Wonkette
THE BEST CONSERVATIVE MOVIES OF THE LAST 25 YEARS: “#12. The Dark Knight (2008): This film gives us a portrait of the hero as a man reviled. In his fight against the terrorist Joker, Batman has to devise new means of surveillance, push the limits of the law, and accept the hatred of the press and public. If that sounds reminiscent of a certain former president—whose stubborn integrity kept the nation safe and turned the tide of war—don’t mention it to the mainstream media.”
Imagine having to wake up every morning as the guy who wrote this blurb. When this guy watches the latest fucking Batman summer blockbuster movie — one set in a fantasized, intentionally dumbed-down, black-and-white world of rich superhero vigilantes who tangle with nihilistic clowns, actual sociopath clowns — he immediately thinks, “I fucking love George W. Bush because of this movie,” and then whines about how the MSM won’t print such truths.
The guy who starts an earnest sentence with, “In his fight against the terrorist Joker…” is criticizing other journalists.
Osama bin Liden isn’t living a very high-profile lifestyle of daily crime in Manhattan! And he’s not in Iraq, either! [The Corner]
“whose stubborn integrity kept the nation safe and turned the tide of war”
Riiiiiight…doesn’t ANYONE remember a little memo entitled “Osama Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States” that Bush apparently couldn’t read because it was more complicated than My Pet Goat???
I get that they were trying to do the whole war on terror thing with Dark Knight, but it’s kind of cute how he immediately jumps to “Well, obviously Batman is Bush!” Then who is Lucius Fox, who thought the whole cell phone thing was a pretty damn creepy idea and whose dissenting opinion Batman actually LISTENED to, after becoming convinced that he shouldn’t have that much power?
Oh, wait… you mean this guy DIDN’T think this all the way through? Well.. golly. Now what?
Really? Limitless surveillance into our private lives is a real conservative value?
The only common thread I could find among these conservative favorites was the implausability of the fictional films and the complete historical inaccuracy of the allegedly non-fictional ones. We Were Soldiers was especially egregious. I read the book when it came out and made an exception to my no Mel Gibson rule only to find that, unlike the Ia Drang battle documented in the book, where the soldiers slog out of the valley right into an ambush in which over a hundred die, Col. Mel leads an old-fashioned bayonet charge up the massif and obliterates the NVA headquarters.
Conservative value: Complete detachment from reality.
I can’t wait for their ode to 300, the 2nd most unintentionally homoerotic movie in history.
Oh my Gawd. They absolutely must have a special ocean cruise where they screen each and every one of these classics, with commentary by these esteemed critics, emceed by Rex Reed and Ann Coulter.
If Osama put on white pancake makeup, big black smears under his eyes and huge red lips, the truth of this would be plain to you.
SayItWithWookies: We’re gonna try, try, try again (but only in movies with “heroes” like Sly Stallone and Mel Gibson) to win that goddamn Vietnam War if it’s the last thing we do.
There it is.
ManchuCandidate: Oh, please. They digitally enhanced the abs into mutant washboards. There was nothing unintentional about it.
Bush doesn’t remind me of Batman so much as Hank Venture from “The Venture Bros,” where he dresses in a Batman costume and runs around complaining because his tongue keeps getting stuck in the mouth slit.
Also.
I’m totally re-ordering my netflix queue right now! Idiot-safe movies please! You should try watching Braveheart while listening to Lee Greenwood, it will blow your mind! …as in you will have immediate aneurysm.
Well if Batman is George Bush, then that means Maggie Gyllenhall is Laura. At least we know now why Maggie’s acting was so flat and boring.
I’m tellin’ ya, Caligula is number one. You heard it here first.
Does this mean that we can count on finding W naked on the floor of his apartment dead of an overdose?
Why does this list remind me of a pair of Physics undergrads trying to argue that the novels of Robert Heinlein are at least as meritorious, from a literary perspective, as the novels of Garcia Marquez or Flaubert.
Kev-O-Tron: Wow I totally fucked up that metaphor!
Does this mean we can count on W to go absolutely apeshit on a cameraman and have said outburst go viral on YouTube? Cause that’s something I can get behind.
And also, after stopping the Joker, Batman’s next move wasn’t to force Congress to pass a bill that shielded people from suing him for violating their constitutional rights, jesus… JESUS…
Would someone please sack up already and subscribe with their company credit card. I really want the rest of this list. I’m thinking Mall Cop is in the top 5.
I heard that if you play an enhanced, director’s cut DVD of Wizard of Oz at half speed, but turn the sound off, and instead blast Boston’s THIRD STAGE at full throttle, on one of those Bose nightstand clock thingys, the interference pattern will influence the aphitocenomynifin receptors in your cephalic lobe and you’ll see Carl Rove in a jedi robe, smoking a bong with a big caterpiller from the Disney ALICE IN WORNDERLAND. I heard that. Never seed it tho.
This reminds me of an article in the Spectator some time back where a conservative was trying to argue, with cites to songs like the Beatles’ “taxman,” that the best rock and roll was at heart conservative.
It’s true: Bush “lived long enough to see himself become the villain.” The goal of all true conservatives.
OK, #11 is out. And you’ll never guess what it is… yeah, The Lord of The Rings.
Here’s my favorite part:
“Largely filmed before 9/11, they seemed perfectly pitched for the post-9/11 world. The debates over what to do about Sauron and Saruman echoed our own disputes over the Iraq War.”
Wait ’till someone tells Andrew Leigh that the movies were based on books that were totally and completely written before 9/11!!! That’s surely blow his fucking mind! How could Tolkien Have been so prescient in understanding the threat posed by Barak Obama and the Communist Democrats!
This countdown is going slow. Are they stuggling with finalizing the list?
If you can’t wait for the full list, you can see it here:
http://www.thesamedame.com/2009/02/national-review-movie-geniuses.html
I expect (hopefully) that NRO will follow this up with the top 25 worst liberal films. It would be far more entertaining than this list.
What, no Twinkie Schoolboy Orgy or Little Big League: Beyond Second Base?
#10 Gremlins
The cute and cuddly Gizmo is a reference to the deceptive attractiveness of “bleeding-heart” liberalism. Only when splashed with water does the liberal fascist herd emerge from Gizmo’s fuzzy flanks. The evil horde soon takes over and trashes main street America, only to be defeated by the heroic “Joe Six-Pack”, Billy Peltzer.
You can do this with ANY movie!
nsps:
Holy fuck.
A lot of WTF in the top ten except the 300.
But does Dubya’s batsuit have nipples?
I’m I the only human who thinks that movie sucked? It did. And blew, also.
nsps: Groundhog Day? Excuse me, but in that movie, doesn’t Bill Murray keep doing things differently until he gets it right? They must have seen a version where he does the same damn thing every day for eight years, then throws up his hands and lets another reporter handle the situation.
The Incredibles was #2? I don’t remember any Man/Boy love scenes in that movie.
ManchuCandidate: 300 is number 5!
I am just surprised that Meet the Spartans is not number 4.
What? No STARSHIP TROOPERS?
What about DELTA FORCE?
LADYHAWKE? Where that guy is like constantly talking to God?
THE FAMILY MAN, where that chick turns down Nicholas Cage because he asks her to talk naughty to him?
I could be a better conservative than these guys, seriously.
Also, I blame furries.
Monsieur Grumpe: The Hentai tentacle sex scene with Dash was deleted. I’m sure you can find it on the DVD.
SayItWithWookies: Damn straight! Mind if I add that comment on the blog as well?
I’ve actually had people seriously try to argue the Batman-as-Dubya analogy to me, all I can say to which is BATMAN ACTUALLY MANAGED TO CATCH THE FUCKING JOKER.
Cicada:
#7 300
By Clyde Manly Manlinson The Man’s Man
This movie made me feel great about US America. The Spartans, who are the Republicans, are the epitome of Hetrosexual Maleness with their bronzed skin and fake abs. I loved how King Leonides (Our greatest leader evah W) waxed poetic about freedom and love with women while those weakling boy luving Demrat Libruls from Athens waited on their asses and diddle themselves. Uh, wow. Did anyone else get tight in the pants when Spartans strutted their stuff? No one? I really mean that I got hard watching Leonides’ wife. Really, I swear. I got caught up in the sweeping battle scenes as oiled bronzed muscle men in armor grappled with each other in a
orgythroes of combat. Is it getting hot in here? Wow, look at the size of their, uh, swords… Fap fap fap fap fap fap fap.I am too lazy to look - but there is not a single Heston flick either, is there?
nsps: Wait, fucking Brazil? The movie where a shadowy terrorist campaign is completely overshadowed by the government’s response to it, which transforms the nation into a terrifying police state, complete with torture sessions for which you are charged? Are you fucking kidding me?
Hmm…Gran Torino…so they’re cool with old-school white guys giving immigrants a hand and a chance to make it in this great country of ours? I’m so glad to hear it! Let’s see it in real life!
Josh Fruhlinger: I wish I were kidding you, but that’s the list. You’d think that while writing the blurb, they would’ve realized what a stupid choice it was and nixed it.
So yeah, I didn’t finish reading the comments in the earlier post. Apologies for the redundancy.
Cicada: Oh! I wanna try! With some gay ass movies!
Hustler White: Legendary Conservative Film-maker, Bruce LaBruce turns in a scathing inditement of “San Francisco Morals”.
Hedwig and the Angry Inch: Communism falls and everybody gets a wig!
Short Bus: Lots of buttfucking. Republicans love buttfucking. The most stirring rendition of the Star Spangled Banner you will ever see, also.
Skin Flick: Cumshot onto Mien Kampf. Conserveatism in one scene.
nsps: It’s all yours.
UNFORGIVEN?
FIGHT CLUB?
SOMETHING WILD?
THE INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPET?
#4 Forrest Gump
Some idiot man-child retard stumbles through his life and accidentally causes historical shit to happen despite his obvious total incompetence. That sounds like a good conservative flick to moi!
#8 Juno
Oh, because she decides not to get an abortion. Whoop de shit. Since when does not getting an abortion make you a conservative? Since when does getting teen-pregnant make you not a liberal? Since when does hiding a gerbil up your ass make you a Conservative Movie Critic for NRO?
Cicada: you’re right!
#6 Weekend at Bernie’s
Larry and Richard, two young businessmen, represent American liberty and enterprise, respectively. No wait, they are Bush and Cheney. Their boss, Bernie, represents moribund governmental regulation, and is dead. The two heros have to prop up the increasingly bloated liberal state in order to convince the populace that they did not kill America themselves. A number of wacky antics ensue. Meanwhile, a mobster (terrorist, obv, or maybe Obama) is actually trying to kill America, and only our heroes liberty and enterprise can save the world.
This stuff writes itself.
#25 Gran Torino - haven’t seen it yet, but the promos have Eastwood standing locked and loaded, ready to shoot some kids while snarling, “Get off my lawn.” And wasn’t that McCain’s mantra? So yeah, I can see that one.
snideinplainsight:
Unforgiven - hung out with black guy, torturing authority figure and his friends all die
Fight Club - not enough Brad Pitt topless scenes
Something Wild - too many women
And where’s The Ruling Class? Starring Peter O’Toole as an inbred/insane heir to a lordship. Slightly long, but creepy and hilarious all the same.
Or that movie about the conservative health-care plan, 28 Days Later.
blah blah blah. what we all want to know is: what’s the best conservative PORN flick of the last 25 years?
hint: the best conservative porn flick of the preceding 25 years was “Debbie Does Dallas”. discuss!
Hey just out of curiosity–those of you who know the gay porn scene like, well, the back of your hand–has anyone had the brainwave to make “Who’s Bonin’ Boehner,” a la “Who’s Nailin Pailin”? Just a thought…
GaragePunkNYC:
I’m not gay so I don’t know.
No Independence Day?
Fail.
Josh Fruhlinger: The subtlety of this point completely escapes the conservative mind.
So…Heath Ledger was a Muslin?
nsps: spoiler.
Seriously, though- shouldn’t “Falling Down” be somewhere in the Top 5? White dude, defense contractor, makes his way through crumbling America and Mexican LA with the help of firearms? I thought this was basically the film adaptation of the GOP platform.
GaragePunkNYC: But Debbie is a vagina. What self-loating pretend-hetero Republican would want to see *that*?” Now, if it was “Derek Does Dallas”…
nsps: I had been planning on making a Lives of Others joke but gave up to do real work. I don’t think they have actually seen that movie.
AxmZ: you have a point but all those scenes of employees “servicing” their employers gives a whole new meaning to “trickle down” !
Obviously they missed the pro-environmental subtext of “The Lord of The Rings”, not to mention the cautionary tale about lust for absolute power and all of that. Or the fact that it is the gay elves who have all the really nice castles ‘n shit.
Where’s “Dirty Harry” in this list? Don’t they feel lucky? Don’t they?
I know I’m late to the party on this but as long time DC I’m angry beyond words. The thing they don’t get. The Batman doesn’t kill. Period.
What? No Fountainhead by the quintessential narcissist pinhead Ayn Rand?
No Two Girls, One Cup? Isn’t that all about conserving?
I realize that Wonkette goes to NRO so that I don’t have to, but if you keep dragging their shit HERE, then doesn’t that mean I don’t have to come here anymore either? ‘Coz if I want full-blown economy sized retarded, I can just go straight to RNC.com with no stops in between.
GaragePunkNYC: pretty sure Debbie Does Dallas was more than 25 years ago. but of course we know now, thanks to Congressman Austria, that silly things like the passage of time don’t actually mean much to the conservative mindset.
WindbagCity:
Absolutely! I’m disappointed there aren’t more Michael Douglas films on the list in general.
Any love for Krull?
Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb.
No Tarantino?
-Kill Bill (Clinton, of course)
-Death Proof (A heroic and immortal young marine puts himself into harm’s way in Basra)
I just saw this great movie. It’s called “Reality”. There is this group of Republicans in it that couldn’t reason, analyze, or write their way out of a wet paper bag. At the end, they all have to eat a big bag of dicks.
I predict: #2 will be “The NAMBLA Chronicles: If He’s Old Enough To Pee, He’s Old Enough For Me”
As far as Lord of the Rings goes, Bush tried to say that same nonsense when Return of the King came out. He was rebuffed and compared to Sauron by pretty much everyone involved in the film. I’m sure that there is some footage of Viggo Mortensen’s ultra-polite smackdown somewhere on the intertubes.
And what about Ice Pirates? Or Dune? I mean come on, Dune takes place in a fucking desert. What more do they want?
No, he’s quite right. I think we all remember the part where the Joker said he could do a magic trick to make whole buildings disappear, did so on national television, then Batman read a book to children and went after the Toyman (who’s really more of a retro-Superman villain anyway). Yep, that was a great movie.
The reason soooo many of you like this movie is because the lead character, the guy that runs like a girl in the caped uniform, is George W. Bush himself. The great one, Mr. Bologna, all lips and butt. Just look at him carry that obvious weapon of extreme mass destruction, he is the mane. Had he not made that epic, he would have had no experience at all for a governator and higher up super heroes.
Where is “Passion of the Christ” on the list? Weren’t all the wingnuts orgasmic over that one? Also what about “The Green Berets”? It was such a “realistic” portrayal of the Vietnam war.
This guy has revolutionized film theory with his recognition of the protagonist as anti-hero. Which I’m sure every film school in the country would teach were it not for their liberal biases.
I’d love to see Chris Nolan respond. Anyone have his email?
Canuckledragger:
No Two Girls, One Cup? Isn’t that all about conserving?
Win.
Please don’t compare Batman to that ratfucker.
Batman is effective! He’s also a little busy drawing on cave walls while his children cry right now, but when he comes back - he will make you all pay. You will note he catches his criminals, and he blew up the surveillance system that was put in place to catch a legitimate threat that was right in front of his city actively causing problems.
Stop comparing him to Cowboy George-Bob.