AMBITIOUS BLOG FEATURES  2:18 pm February 11, 2009

OH SWEET JESUS YES: National Review Chronicles ‘The Best Conservative Movies of the Last 25 Years’

by Jim Newell

What the headline said! We’ll give the Corner credit for the unrolling of this special feature — it’s posted #25 – #13 only as of this minute — which makes us wait patiently for the full list UNLESS we purchase a National Review subscription. In other words, they managed to make us consider seriously subscribing to the National Review for a full three seconds. Such teases! Well, whatever, let’s discuss the first half of this historic list.

The most recent entry happens to be the best:

# 13: The Best Conservative Movies of the Last 25 Years [Arthur Herman]

Braveheart (1995): Forget the travesty this soaring action film makes of the historical record. Braveheart raised its hero, medieval Scottish warrior William Wallace, to the level of myth and won five Oscars, including best director for Mel Gibson, who played Wallace as he led a spirited revolt against English tyranny. Braveheart taught that freedom is not just worth dying for, but also worth killing for, in defense of hearth and homeland. Six years later, amid the ruins of the Twin Towers, Gibson’s message resonated with a generation of American youth who signed up to fight terrorists, instead of inviting them to join a “constructive dialogue.” Liberals have never forgiven Gibson since.

— Arthur Herman is the author of How the Scots Invented the Modern World.

All completely accurate except for the last sentence there; the “Liberals” were more or less fine with Mel Gibson until a few years ago, when he encouraged church youth group leaders to take their masses of children to his Jesus movie — the most disturbingly violent (and just kinda flat, right?) film ever made. Also, it was around this time that Gibson became Adolf Eichmann.

As for the noble intellectual pursuit of determining where to place fictional action-driven blockbuster Braveheart on the modern American political spectrum, well, it’s obviously a very liberal movie, duh. Mel Gibson and his poor, kilt-clad buddies led an Uncivilised peasant’s revolt against their delightful English overlords. At best, this is Maoism.

But — and this can’t just be us — isn’t it a little too reminiscent of HMM THE INSURGENCY? In Iraq? And Gibson approves! If this were a “real American” conservative film, William Wallace would suspend his rebellion about two-thirds of the way through after accepting a monthly bribe stipend from English military leaders.

All of these entries are great, though. The Chronicles of Narnia entry is another extra special one. Does it mention “Kim Jong Il” within the first two sentences? Take a guess.

#13: The Best Conservative Movies of the Last 25 Years [The Corner]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 174 comments }

facehead February 11, 2009 at 2:24 pm

#1 My Pet Goat: The Movie.

Servo February 11, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Uh, Brokeback Mountain.

Schadenfried February 11, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Did “An American Carol” make the list?

shortsshortsshorts February 11, 2009 at 2:25 pm

The holocaust didn’t happen, also.

NoWireHangers February 11, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Is Deliverance on there?

user-of-owls February 11, 2009 at 2:29 pm

At best, this is Maoism. Little Red Kilt.

Dientes February 11, 2009 at 2:29 pm

That Jesus lion is HAWT! And Prince Caspian, too ( he’s right up the republican back ally if ya know what I mean).

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Fluff is all they have. Where can they go now that their ideology has run counter to their ideals?

Sussemilch February 11, 2009 at 2:29 pm

#22 on their list is Brazil. That’s funny as hell. I don’t suppose they realized that a central theme of the movie is that the terrorists didn’t exist and were invented as an issue to control the people?

Fucking morons. Maybe they meant The Boys from Brazil instead…

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm

“Dumb and Dumber”

tiny mexican February 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm

How did Red Dawn only get #15? Isn’t that every keyboard kommando’s spank bank in cinematographicalian form?

MathewBrooks February 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm

[re=241246]NoWireHangers[/re]: EPIC WIN AS ALWAYS!!!!

norbizness February 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm

I love that Brazil is on there. Only Ben Stein and Jerry Zucker are further right in Hollywood than TERRY GILLIAM. Or perhaps Terry himself should tell it:

City Pages: You’re often described as a fabulist, but isn’t Tideland a political movie for the No More Mr. Nice Guy age?

Terry Gilliam: Have people forgotten I made Brazil? George W. [Bush], [Dick] Cheney, and company haven’t. I’m thinking of suing them for the illegal and unauthorized remake of Brazil.

P.S. When I saw the video of the Twin Towers falling back in 2001, my first thought was definitely “If only we had painted our faces, donned kilts, and overacted, this could have been prevented.”

P.P.S. The Battle for Algiers isn’t on there, is it?

Fivetree February 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Apparently this is a list in the making or something because the only other ones I could find are #14 A Simple Plan and that great stinking pile of poo that is #15 Red Dawn. If they try to appropriate LOTR I am going to be pissed, they don’t get to own the gay wizard and the hot elf with the tight buns movies. They are precioussssss and they are mine.

demtard February 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

[re=241240]facehead[/re]: Win.

tiny mexican February 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

“Brazil” is #22. There are no words.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

Talladega Nights?

One Yield Regular February 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

Funny – that’s *exactly* the message I came away with from Gibson’s Jesus movie: that freedom is worth killing for.

I can’t resist repeating the best line written about that Jesus film, from a reviewer for Le Canard Enchaine in France:

“By the end of the film, Gibson’s Jesus is reduced to little more than an ambulatory steak tartare.”

Colander February 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

I love how they claim A Simple Plan because it’s a sort of morality play, and obviously libruls are amoral assholes. I’m thinking Speed Racer is at least #2.

Iggy Plop February 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm

So I’m going to take a wild guess, the 25 most conservative movies are probably some of the most pointless, irrelevant movies ever?

Anonymous Office Zombie February 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm

I was hoping Wonkette would pick up this story.

Red Dawn at #15? Is that it’s ranking status? C’mon, what kind of Conservative site ranks Red Dawn anywhere other than in the top 10?

nietzscheprojectile February 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Dr. Strangelove. Because conservatives take it literally.

Lascauxcaveman February 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Like Mel Gibson, I blame the Jews.

norbizness February 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Paths of Glory should be on there because it shows the heroic older general with the scar prevailing against communist sympathizer Kirk Douglas in order to kill his own troops to cover up his own incompetence.

One could do this all day if so inclined, or all one’s life if they had the same organic brain damage that NRO contributors do.

Crazybroad February 11, 2009 at 2:33 pm

OMG, have scrolled through the list!! Damn you, Wonkette, I was trying to be productive today!

Ideology aside, the GOP has TERRIBLE taste in films (well, maybe with the exception of “Brazil”). SOOO looking forward to see what sludge made #1!!

Cape Clod February 11, 2009 at 2:33 pm

“American Psycho” has got to be at least #3 or #4.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:33 pm

All pilots for “24″?

Mr Blifil February 11, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Wait a minute. Do the dweebs at Big Hollywood know that NRO pulled this fucking stunt?

Servo February 11, 2009 at 2:34 pm

You can hear the shattering of conservative hearts that ‘To Wong Fu, Thanks for the memories -Julie Newmar’ didn’t make it.

Jim Newell February 11, 2009 at 2:35 pm

[re=241276]Mr Blifil[/re]: I think it’s a cross-promotion. Breitbart wrote the first entry.

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Here is the list for those who don’t want to surf thru the postings:

25 Gran Torino
What fucking politics?

24 Team America
Scat pr0n!

23 Flight 93
No shit.

22 Brazil
WTF?

21 Heartbreak Ridge
Seriously? Major Powers would make a pretty good Rummie.

20 Gattaca
It sucked as SF.

19 We Were Soldiers
Again, what politics?

18 The Edge
Lousy flick.

17 The Chronicles of Narnia
Kids!

16 Master and Commander
Sodomy and the lash!

15 Red Dawn
Again, no shit.

14 A Simple Plan
Never saw it. Don’t give a shit.

13 Braveheart
Oppressed folks invaded by prissy dipshit oppressors who rape and pillage everything and they decide they have enough. Doesn’t sound like Iraq… Nope not one fucking

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:36 pm

“Triumph of Will”

Terry February 11, 2009 at 2:37 pm

Gibson has always been an iffy actor, but one who appeared in some trashily entertaining movies. Then came the Jesus movie and Gibson became a preachy iffy actor in violent movie that wasn’t entertaining. That was the end of that.

Honestly, I think Braveheart was a big old liberal movie. The King of England in that film was Dubya’s intellectual ancestor and the sexual hijinks were more of the GOP variety.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:37 pm

I think the Top 10 will be just a link:

http://www.epinions.com/content_4567834756

El Pinche February 11, 2009 at 2:37 pm

how could this be?? I thought all movies that conservatives love have Jeff Stryker or Jeff Gannon in them?

seriously, though..I bet every single movie on the list has war in it. conservatives own war and filthy jackal buttsekks.

qwerty42 February 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Well, these being conservatives, wouldn’t they have My Private Idaho?

Capitol Hillbilly February 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Sweet Jesus, indeed. Can’t wait to read their rapturous insights about Leni Riefenstahl at No. 1.

Hooray For Anything February 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=241250]Sussemilch[/re]: I think Andrew Sullivan had the best take down on the listing of “Brazil”.

And there might be a point about “Braveheart” being a conservative movie in that it fetishizes torture and makes fun of gay people.

Woodwards Friend February 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=241267]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: And let’s not forget that Red Dawn was written by the real-life inspiration for Walter Sobchak. Dick Cheney too dabbled in pacifism.

Crapola February 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm

I heard the RNC was planning on buying the movie rights to Roots to show it backwards so it has a happy ending…

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:40 pm

[re=241286]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Beat you to it…too obvious I guess.

Mr Blifil February 11, 2009 at 2:41 pm

[re=241279]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Seriously, Gran Torino? Where Clint lays down his life so the immigrant family he lives next door to can get ahead? Jesus God, where do these people come from?

WadISay February 11, 2009 at 2:41 pm

I thought Mel Gibson sort of redeemed himself with Apocalypto. The forest people were the liberals/hippies who sat around in pigshit and Incans who rolled heads down the pyramid were all some verson of Cheney.

I assume Red Dawn and all those Charles Bronson movies made the list.

saridout February 11, 2009 at 2:42 pm

oh, pleeeease offer commentary on the other film reviews…

Mr Blifil February 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

No sign of “Schindler’s Donor List?”

One Yield Regular February 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

This list convinces me more than anything that conservatism is little more than a tumor of repressed homosexuality.

Monsieur Grumpe February 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

What? No Eraser Head?

ronaldpagan February 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

United 93 is a classic conservative film because it was brave enough to make the liberal terrorists look like the bad guys.

FMA February 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

[re=241288]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Big Lebowski has to be on the list. When Walter draws a line in the sand, he draws a line in the sand, even if it means beating the shit out of a Corvette with a baseball bat.

Bearbloke February 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

#2 “Salo: 120 Days of Sodom – not only a right-wing Fantasia, but the exact length of the Congressional calendar in 2006…

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:44 pm

Dirty Harry et al and Star Chamber…oh, and Tombstone.

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2009 at 2:45 pm

[re=241292]Mr Blifil[/re]:
EXACTLY.

Some of these flicks are real head scratchers like the inclusion of “Sympathy for the Devil” was in the 50 top Con Rock songs…

Crazybroad February 11, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=241289]Crapola[/re]: Win.

Sussemilch February 11, 2009 at 2:47 pm

Just for reference:
25 Gran Torino
24 Team America: World Police
23 United 93
22 Brazil
21 Heartbreak Ridge
20 Gattaca
19 We Were Soldiers
18 The Edge
17 The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
16 Master and Commander
15 Red Dawn
14 A Simple Plan
13 Braveheart

Kev-O-Tron February 11, 2009 at 2:47 pm

[re=241269]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I think the Jews should blame Mel Gibson for this atrocity:
http://www.utilikilts.com/

This list is almost as pathetic as that list of conservative rock songs. I think they actually had a Dead Kennedy’s song on that list…

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2009 at 2:47 pm

[re=241306]AfghanVet[/re]:
Star Wars?

Taps?

TheMac February 11, 2009 at 2:48 pm

[re=241289]Crapola[/re]: Awesome.

I resent “Serenity” being on this list. Everyone knows Whedon’s a big ole feminazi liberal, and that Serenity was more about radicalism and libertarianism than classic conservatism. It seems more like a list of “kinda cool movies that involve an anti-hero going up against a status quo.”

Kev-O-Tron February 11, 2009 at 2:48 pm

[re=241307]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Ahh… I think it was you and I that chatted about this before. I’ll give them Sympathy for the Devil and Bodies by the Sex Pistols but the rest? Reeeeaachinnggg.

ronaldpagan February 11, 2009 at 2:48 pm

[re=241304]FMA[/re]: Nah, it doesn’t cast fucking a stranger in the ass in a good enough light.

Capitol Hillbilly February 11, 2009 at 2:49 pm

I guess they’ll call “Idiocracy” a “cautionary tale about what happens when a Negro becomes President.”

Kev-O-Tron February 11, 2009 at 2:49 pm

[re=241289]Crapola[/re]: where have you been all my life? I’m going to happy hour today just so I can tell that joke.

Canuck13652 February 11, 2009 at 2:49 pm

Mel Gibson really needs to get over his anti-English thing. Honestly. I mean, The Patriot was the biggest sack of shit every written that anyone who didn’t get an education that consisted of “every last briton was a stuffy pompous cruel asshole and every last american was a noble self sacrificing hero” would think laughable. Same with Braveheart. I can think of at least three former British colonies that turned out just a-okay (you know, not torturing people, starting random wars, shredding their constitutions, etc) without having a nasty rebellion. . .

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2009 at 2:49 pm

[re=241309]Sussemilch[/re]:
Jinx!

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=241312]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Taps…DAMMMMMMMN Straight. That will be a Top 5 for sure. Also, anything with John Wayne, also.

norbizness February 11, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=241309]Sussemilch[/re]: Apparently no movies were made before the PG-13 era. Maybe they think that anything black and white were documentaries filmed in real-time.

Vanity Smurf February 11, 2009 at 2:50 pm

I can explain why “Brazil” is on the list — it’s the TUBEZ!!! Do you people not remember the fucking TUBEZ?

shanemacgowan February 11, 2009 at 2:50 pm

“Birth of a Nation” has got to be #1

Servo February 11, 2009 at 2:52 pm

[re=241293]WadISay[/re]: They don’t like freaky little girls prophesizing their imminent doom.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:53 pm

They are going to have to lay claim to every great WWII movie as they see that as their best moment even though most of the modern “conservative intellectuals” run from the word draft and have never failed to cross a street to avoid a recruiting station.

WadISay February 11, 2009 at 2:53 pm

A while back, local wingnut radio played Jack Nicholson’s “you can’t handle the truth” speech from A Few Good Men, oblivious to the irony that it was spoken by a psycho head case.

Joey Ratz February 11, 2009 at 2:53 pm

For fuck’s sake… These are the same idiots who did that “Best Conservative rock songs” list some time back, right? If I remember correctly, Aerosmith’s “Jamie’s got a gun” was somewhere in the top 5 because it was about responsible private ownership of firearms.

And the most conservative song ever? This one:

We’ll be fighting in the streets
With our children at our feet
And the morals that they worship will be gone
And the men who spurred us on
Sit in judgement of all wrong
They decide and the shotgun sings the song

I’ll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I’ll get on my knees and pray
We don’t get fooled again

The change, it had to come
We knew it all along
We were liberated from the fold, that’s all
And the world looks just the same
And history ain’t changed
‘Cause the banners, they are flown in the next war

I’ll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I’ll get on my knees and pray
We don’t get fooled again
No, no!

I’ll move myself and my family aside
If we happen to be left half alive
I’ll get all my papers and smile at the sky
Though I know that the hypnotized never lie
Do ya?

There’s nothing in the streets
Looks any different to me
And the slogans are replaced, by-the-bye
And the parting on the left
Are now parting on the right
And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I’ll tip my hat to the new constitution
Take a bow for the new revolution
Smile and grin at the change all around
Pick up my guitar and play
Just like yesterday
Then I’ll get on my knees and pray
We don’t get fooled again
Don’t get fooled again
No, no!

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Meet the new boss
Same as the old boss

The logic was that the whole “new boss/old boss” thing obviously refers to machine politics, which = corrupt Democrats. So there you have it: Pete Townshend wrote this song to denounce Richad Daley and probably Barack Obama too. If The Who ever wrote a song about Republicans, it was probably “Behind Blue Eyes”.

Cape Clod February 11, 2009 at 2:54 pm

[re=241287]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Not only that but ‘Braveheart’ completely ignores history, and invents fictions to fit a specific narrative. That speaks to the core of wingnuttery.

And most of them probably think ‘Starship Troopers’ is a documentary from the future.

Anonymous Office Zombie February 11, 2009 at 2:54 pm

[re=241279]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
The explanations and justifications as to why they these movies are supposedly Conservative are beyond ridiculous.

Gattica is described as being “a cautionary tale about the progressive fantasy of a eugenically correct world—the road… paved by the abortion of Down babies, research into human cloning, and “transhumanist” dreams of fabricating a “post-human species.’ Biotechnology is a force for good, but without adherence to the ideal of universal human equality it opens the door to the soft tyranny of Gattaca and, ultimately, the dystopian nightmare of Brave New World.”

Yeah, that’s exactly the dystopian progressive dream in a nutshell. I can’t even begin to count all those progressive folk songs about a world of clones and synthetic post-human engineering.

Also, did they imply that that progressives hate human equality or did I read this wrong?

Min February 11, 2009 at 2:55 pm

I hope “Tootsie” makes the top ten.

El Pinche February 11, 2009 at 2:56 pm

[re=241306]AfghanVet[/re]: Oh hells yeah.. Star Chamber.
Don’t forget Starship Troopers…militaristic wet dream glorifying right-wing fascism. I think that’s going to be #1.

Vanity Smurf February 11, 2009 at 2:56 pm

OT… Oh Jesus, Susan Collins is on my teevee right now warbling about something… all I can hear is, “I’m not a Eunice Banks, I am the Eunice Banks. Howard Banister, tell them who I am.”

norbizness February 11, 2009 at 2:56 pm

[re=241324]shanemacgowan[/re]: They’d at least like the title of D.W. Griffith’s follow-up (Intolerance).

ronaldpagan February 11, 2009 at 2:56 pm

[re=241310]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Was it “Kill The Poor”?

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 2:57 pm

[re=241313]TheMac[/re]: I agree. The assassin in Serenity at least had the understanding that he was a monster who served at the whims of his beliefs.

I think they (conservatives) have this image of themselves as rugged individuals who can stand on their own without any government. Right. I’ve been to a few countries like that. They would last a week before they were raped by the village chief, caught some disease or were shot for being a useless feed burner.

PopeyesPipe February 11, 2009 at 2:57 pm

“Satyricon,” for all of its off screen anal.

Satyricon-servatism?

Iggy Plop February 11, 2009 at 2:57 pm

I’ll give them Master and Commander. Patrick O’Brian novels are awesome. But definitely pretty conservative, as much as that might make sense for novels about 1800 and the Napoleonic Wars. And sympathetic about the bhutt secks also.

xavan February 11, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Master and Commander at #16? I think the conservatives are coming out of the closet… That movie is just a big gay love story with occasional sea battles.

Hooray For Anything February 11, 2009 at 2:58 pm

[re=241317]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: I don’t think “Idiocracy” will be on the list as they wouldn’t want to insult their base. And doesn’t “Team America” also kinda make fun of neo-conservatism in that it calls them a bunch of dicks?

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2009 at 2:59 pm

[re=241321]AfghanVet[/re]:
I’d bet it’s RIO BRAVO and the Green Berets.

Also. My guess for Numba 1.

TOP GUN: Flag waving. Homo erotica. Kenny Loggins music.

Servo February 11, 2009 at 2:59 pm

I think the conservative base can connect with “Nell”.

Min February 11, 2009 at 3:00 pm

[re=241343]xavan[/re]: You say that as though it was a bad thing.

Suddenly, I feel a verse of “A British tar is a soaring soul” coming on.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 3:01 pm

[re=241335]El Pinche[/re]: Robert Heinlein wrote a lot of books that would be a wet dream for these guys…all of which expose the hypocrisy of their ideologies. Heinlein was a bit of a right winger, but I think he understood that like all ideologies the ideal required human behavior beyond the realm of its capacity.

Michael Valentine was a Martian after all.

Gorillionaire February 11, 2009 at 3:01 pm

#1 is a DVD only release titled “Heavy Into Jeff”.

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2009 at 3:01 pm

[re=241315]Kev-O-Tron[/re]:
It’s always reaching…

accidental_tourist February 11, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Michael Douglas will no doubt figure prominently – Fatal Attraction, Wall Street, et al

Vanity Smurf February 11, 2009 at 3:04 pm

[re=241347]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I think you are correct about Top Gun. Being the gayest movie ever produced in the history of Hollywood, there really is no competition for number one on this list.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 3:05 pm

[re=241347]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

Sid: You want subversion on a massive level. You know what one of the greatest fucking scripts ever written in the history of Hollywood is? Top Gun.
Duane: Oh, come on.
Sid: Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it’s a story about a bunch of fighter pilots.
Duane: It’s about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around.
Sid: It is a story about a man’s struggle with his own homosexuality. It is! That is what Top Gun is about, man. You’ve got Maverick, all right? He’s on the edge, man. He’s right on the fucking line, all right? And you’ve got Iceman, and all his crew. They’re gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they’re saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways.
Duane: What about Kelly McGillis?
Sid: Kelly McGillis, she’s heterosexuality. She’s saying: no, no, no, no, no, no, go the normal way, play by the rules, go the normal way. They’re saying no, go the gay way, be the gay way, go for the gay way, all right? That is what’s going on throughout that whole movie… He goes to her house, all right? It looks like they’re going to have sex, you know, they’re just kind of sitting back, he’s takin’ a shower and everything. They don’t have sex. He gets on the motorcycle, drives away. She’s like, “What the fuck, what the fuck is going on here?” Next scene, next scene you see her, she’s in the elevator, she is dressed like a guy. She’s got the cap on, she’s got the aviator glasses, she’s wearing the same jacket that the Iceman wears. She is, okay, this is how I gotta get this guy, this guy’s going towards the gay way, I gotta bring him back, I gotta bring him back from the gay way, so I’ll do that through subterfuge, I’m gonna dress like a man. All right? That is how she approaches it. Okay, now let me just ask you – I’m gonna digress for two seconds here. I met this girl Amy here, she’s like floating around here and everything. Now, she just got divorced, right? All right, but the REAL ending of the movie is when they fight the MIGs at the end, all right? Because he has passed over into the gay way. They are this gay fighting fucking force, all right? And they’re beating the Russians, the gays are beating the Russians. And it’s over, and they fucking land, and Iceman’s been trying to get Maverick the entire time, and finally, he’s got him, all right? And what is the last fucking line that they have together? They’re all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, “Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!” And what does Maverick say? “You can ride mine!” Swordfight! Swordfight! Fuckin’ A, man!

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 3:06 pm

[re=241356]accidental_tourist[/re]: Wall Street…definitely. Well, except for the last 20 minutes.

Breakfast Bourbon February 11, 2009 at 3:07 pm

So is the NRO turning into VH1 where their future content will be dominated by nothing but “top X conservative” things?
http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NzZkNDU5MmViNzVjNzkzMDE3NzNlN2MyZjRjYTk4YjE=

Red Zeppelin February 11, 2009 at 3:07 pm

I’m wondering about that classic piece of conservative cinema Who’s Nailin Palin? On second thought, it’s probably way too hetero for the NRO crowd.

Marlowe February 11, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Too bad it’s just the past 25 years.
If we could go back 40 years, we could include “Cool Hand Luke” and “Dirty Harry”. (I remember watching Dirty Harry on WTTG-5 instead of the election results back in Nov 1984).

Under that scenario, the hands down winner would be the Robert Frank/Rolling Stones delight “Cocksucker Blues.”

Hot_Carl February 11, 2009 at 3:09 pm

Team America??? Really? Just overlooking the fact that the whole “America, Fuck Yea!” refrain is a complete mock of the NRO-type crowd. Wow.

Capitol Hillbilly February 11, 2009 at 3:10 pm

Hooray For Anything: Team America obviously isn’t a conservative movie. These idjits can’t comprehend a story, which is why their analysis of history is so fucked. If a movie says “America, Fuck Yeah!” that’s all they need to know.

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2009 at 3:11 pm

[re=241361]AfghanVet[/re]:
ROTLMAO.

I saw TOP GUN!!! when I was 15 (yes I haz old). Loved it. Like a 15 year old boy would. I so wanted to be a fighter jock. Damn I waz seriouz back then.

Now? Greatest fucking gay comedy of all time.

DangerousLiberal February 11, 2009 at 3:14 pm

[re=241280]AfghanVet[/re]: FTW. Olympia, also. You know, G. Gordon Liddy (total douche) wrote in his book Will that this movie was shown to the CREEP folks (Nixon’s reelection brownshirts for you kids) and their reaction after the movie was over was something like “wow, who did his advance work.” And, “Hey, Henry, the holocaust is bullshit, right?” also.

Canmon (the Inadequate) February 11, 2009 at 3:14 pm

# 12: The Best Conservative Movies of the Last 25 Years [Andrew Klavan]

The Dark Knight (2008): This film gives us a portrait of the hero as a man reviled. In his fight against the terrorist Joker, Batman has to devise new means of surveillance, push the limits of the law, and accept the hatred of the press and public. If that sounds reminiscent of a certain former president—whose stubborn integrity kept the nation safe and turned the tide of war—don’t mention it to the mainstream media. Our journalists know that good men are often despised by the mob; it just never seems to occur to them that they might be the mob themselves.

— Andrew Klavan is the author of Empire of Lies.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 3:14 pm

[re=241373]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Some of the best lines ever spoken by Quentin Tarantino in a movie. From the movie “Sleep with Me”.

ACatIsFineToo February 11, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Number one: Rodney King’s police beating.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 3:16 pm

“Last King of Scotland” Their kind of guy…except for being black and all.

ella February 11, 2009 at 3:17 pm

There must be a special Conservatives’ version of Braveheart with the rape scene edited out. Either that or rape’s a conservative value now.

Crapola February 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=241356]accidental_tourist[/re]: *cough, cough* Falling Down.

lumpenprole February 11, 2009 at 3:21 pm

What about Salo?

Servo February 11, 2009 at 3:22 pm

[re=241343]xavan[/re]:
Actually, O’Brian was somewhat ambiguous about the relationship between Aubrey and Maturin. One minute you swear one was going to bend the other over the gunwale, next minute they’re cock-blocking frat boys around the ladies.

[re=241361]AfghanVet[/re]:
LOL. Encore! Encore!

bitchincamaro February 11, 2009 at 3:24 pm

What about the eight year long horror movie starring W. Chimpy McFail that I just sat through?

Hooray For Anything February 11, 2009 at 3:24 pm

[re=241379]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: I hate when conservatives call “the Dark Knight” a conservative movie because Batman knows that surveillance is wrong and destroys it after he uses it. And the movie pretty much says that blowing shit up is wrong and there’s nothing conservatives like more than blowing shit up.

lumpenprole February 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Wait, didn’t Tom Delay have something to do with making a movie about what a swell guy Jonas Savimbi was? That should be on the list.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 3:30 pm

[re=241403]Hooray For Anything[/re]:

“there’s nothing conservatives like more than blowing shit up.”

Conservatives like nothing more than getting someone else to blow shit up for them.”

Sorry, fixy.

One Yield Regular February 11, 2009 at 3:33 pm

[re=241361]AfghanVet[/re]: By far the best review of “Top Gun” ever written!

lumpenprole February 11, 2009 at 3:33 pm

[re=241394]lumpenprole[/re]:
Oh. The last 25 years – so no Salo.

Because of the sheer flag count, Armageddon ought to be on the list despite Ben Affleck being in it.

One Yield Regular February 11, 2009 at 3:35 pm

[re=241331]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: They’re like those absurd film “synopses” provided on the sleeves of Netflix DVD’s, but as though written by Michelle Malkin.

Terry February 11, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=241342]Iggy Plop[/re]:

Yeah, but O’Brien got all hippie liberal in the later novels and acknowledged that women were present on board ships. That acknowledgement would ruin the whole “straight but with a same sex addiction” that fires the GOP engines so frequently.

I read ALL of the Aubry/Maturin novels except that last partial one, took me two years. By the last one, I had a strong desire to scrub down my kitchen floor with sand and a holy stone each day. Don’t get me started on the whole spotted dick thing.

Johnetic February 11, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Holy shit, Batman! The Dark Night, where our caped crusader takes on corrupt cops, the mob, and anarchists, is #12!!!! The Rich will save us all with their surveillance and rubber costumes, I think was the message of that movie.

magic titty February 11, 2009 at 3:37 pm

The first ten minutes of Mississippi Burning has GOT to be on there.

wickedlittledoll February 11, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Grindhouse. A true Republican flick. ‘Cept Rose McGowan’s would never qualify for disability insurance. Gun-legs aren’t included under their coverage.
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/

poptarts ' February 11, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=241397]Servo[/re]: Thanks for bringing up the slashy-ness of the Aubrey-Maturin series. Plus “Master and Commander” was chock full o’ Darwinism what with marine iguanas and all.

SwamTheRiver February 11, 2009 at 3:46 pm

#1: Debbie Does Dallas because Dallas is in Texas and Conservatives love Texas. Although DDD deals with sex with women…

arewethereyet February 11, 2009 at 3:47 pm

#1 if it isn’t “Deep Throat” it should be!

Reefpilot February 11, 2009 at 3:49 pm

My first thought was, why the fuck is the gipper’s classic about monkeys and bedtimes not on the list. But then I realized they’ve yet to publish the top ten.

Do mini-series count? I bet Stephen King’s “The Stand” will make an appearance. Just because of the torturous scene where they all sing the national anthem… no kidding, all the “good” characters sing the entire fucking song, including the deaf guy played by Rob Lowe. Oh, and because they kill the old black lady. That’s conservative too.

The King of Spoons February 11, 2009 at 3:52 pm

I actually really liked “A Simple Plan.” And the write-up was correct in that it does have strong messages related to personal morality and consequences… but what does that have to do with conservatism as practiced over the last 8(0) years? “Hey, destroy the economy, destroy the wealth and means of support for thousands of regular people, keep your bonuses! Sweet!”

And a lot of the messages presented here are really fucking contradictory. Braveheart: Kill the oppressors! Master and Commander: Know your role! WTF?

hrhkingfriday February 11, 2009 at 3:59 pm

“Heartbreak Ridge (1986): Clint Eastwood’s foul-mouthed Marine sergeant Tom Highway makes quick work of kicking Communist Cubans out of Grenada. And, boy, does “Gunny” hate Commies. Not only does he kill quite a few, he also refuses a bribe of a Cuban cigar, saying: “Get that contraband stogie out of my face before I shove it so far up your a** you’ll have to set fire to your nose to light it.” A welcome glorification of Reagan’s decision to liberate Grenada in 1983, the film also notes how after a tie in Korea and a loss in Vietnam, America can finally celebrate a military victory. Eastwood, the old war horse, walks off into retirement pleased that he’s not “0–1–1 anymore.” Semper Fi. Oo-rah!”

Crazybroad February 11, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=241368]Hot_Carl[/re]: Absolutely no appreciation for irony or satire whatsoever. Hence the Dead Kennedys making their list of favorites…[re=241310]Kev-O-Tron[/re]

cal February 11, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Pure comedy:

“The Dark Knight (2008): This film gives us a portrait of the hero as a man reviled. In his fight against the terrorist Joker, Batman has to devise new means of surveillance, push the limits of the law, and accept the hatred of the press and public. If that sounds reminiscent of a certain former president—whose stubborn integrity kept the nation safe and turned the tide of war—don’t mention it to the mainstream media. Our journalists know that good men are often despised by the mob; it just never seems to occur to them that they might be the mob themselves.”

BUSH = BATMAN!!!1!

AnnieGetYourFun February 11, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Remember the part of Braveheart where Wallace had premarital sex with that pretty lady that got killed later? Freedoms!

Capitol Hillbilly February 11, 2009 at 4:21 pm

It helps if you read these reviews aloud in a Robert Osborne voice.

AfghanVet February 11, 2009 at 4:23 pm

[re=241481]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: The only problem with the Republican Party is its full of Republicans.

actor212 February 11, 2009 at 4:24 pm

Look, I’m impressed that conservatives can *name* 25 movies…

freakishlystrong February 11, 2009 at 4:30 pm

What, no Brokeback Party?

Joey Ratz February 11, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=241442]arewethereyet[/re]: Nope. The ultimate conservative movie is Caligula. Think about it – it has sodomy, toga orgies, rich people behaving badly and a obviously insane emperor. Also, Peter Sellers was apparently unaware that he was roped in to be the respectable face what was essentially a porn flick. If that doesn’t parallel Colin Powell’s role in the first W. administration, I don’t know what does.

AWOcoholic February 11, 2009 at 4:50 pm

[re=241283]AfghanVet[/re]: LOL. That caught me off guard. Thank you.

Thegreatbacon February 11, 2009 at 4:55 pm

#1 — Forest Gump. He ignored the changes of the sixties and seventies, then in the end the hot hippie girl realized she made a mistake and comes to him for rescue. I think this is every fat middle-aged, wealthy republican’s wet dream.

DustBowlBlues February 11, 2009 at 5:18 pm

[re=241289]Crapola[/re]: This fucking threat is so long I don’t even have time to read it, but I don’t have to before I decide you in. Roots backwards. Excellent as the bunkered veep would say.

102415 February 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Independence Day. Top 10 at least.Also.
Band of Brothers.

I did love Master and Commander and how it showed that we don’t need a lot of fancy hospitals and health insurance when you can operate on yer self with a friend and a small mirror. I just did a couple of stents while laying here on the couch and saved my insurance company thousands. You’re welcome!

DustBowlBlues February 11, 2009 at 5:23 pm

[re=241264]One Yield Regular[/re]: For what it’s worth, my pastor dislikes Mel’s Jesus movie, when the old people say, But it shows how bad it was for him, pastor responds, we don’t really know that. that part isn’t talked about in the Bible very much.

then I say he got it from a 19th. century mystic nun and they all know that I lie, because I’m a know liberal.

I have never, will never, see Mel’s shitty Jesus movie. Did anyone notice the Carnivale guy, or whoever played the tortured guy, did an anti-choice ad against the Democrats?

Mel’s a freak and he hasn’t aged well, either. His one good film was Gallipoli (all the guys are yelling Mad Max). It shows the insanity of old men making war (are you listening, dick?) and as boy, Mel was as heartbreakingly beautiful as Montgomery Clift was when he made Red River.

chascates February 11, 2009 at 5:25 pm

1. Monty Python’s Life of Brian
2. Elmer Gantry
3. A Face in the Crowd
4. All the King’s Men
5. Meet John Doe

S. Cullen Bonz February 11, 2009 at 5:33 pm

What about “A Fistful of Dollars”? Two for one special, since they like both up the a$$, preferably in a lobbyists fist.

Mahousu February 11, 2009 at 5:59 pm

I was going to make a joke about the Fight Club, until I realized it probably is on the list.

loquaciousmusic February 11, 2009 at 6:03 pm

I’ve never seen Brazil. I guess I should, eh?

whiskey tango foxtrot February 11, 2009 at 6:10 pm

[re=241287]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Makes fun of? He totally threw that stupid homo out the window! OK well Gibson himself didn’t do it but he really wanted you to feel like you were doing it. Am I right or am I right?

thefrontpage February 11, 2009 at 6:14 pm

Best Conservative Movies of All Time:

–”Midnight Cowboy”

–”The Exorcist”

–”The Devil and Mrs. Jones”

–”Misty Beethoven”

–”Behind the Green Door”

–”Last Tango In Paris”

–”The Wild Bunch”

–”Milk”

–”Brokeback Mountain”

–”Capote”

–”American Psycho”

–”Psycho”

–”Silence of the Lambs”

–”10″

–”The American President”

–”Dave”

–”Animal House”

–”The Kentucky Fried Movie”

MarieDeGournay February 11, 2009 at 6:27 pm

[re=241279]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Tolkien hated Narnia because hit despised its simplistic allegory and views on evil. Tolkien may have been a conservative Catholic, but he had intelligence enough to know that evil comes from within not without.

chascates February 11, 2009 at 6:27 pm

There has to be some John Wayne movies on the list. Just ’cause.

jbd February 11, 2009 at 6:41 pm

Nobody has even mentioned Omega Man yet? Come on, people.

But yeah. Top Gun pretty much has to win.

Dioneo20 February 11, 2009 at 6:57 pm

Did they limit to 25 years just so they wouldn’t get complaints about leaving out Birth of a Nation?

Monkster February 11, 2009 at 7:16 pm

Snakes on a Plane.

jilly February 11, 2009 at 7:31 pm

Maybe I’m missing something, but not even ONE gay pedophile porno? And where are the snuff films? Or will I see those in the top ten?

bathalax February 11, 2009 at 7:47 pm

Radford’s 1984, Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove

SuperMudVST February 11, 2009 at 8:26 pm

No, Brazil makes sense when you read the other reviews. “A coherent society in which stability is underwritten by custom and every man knows his duty and his place,” “treats soldiers not as wretched losers or pathological killers, but as regular citizens. They are men willing to sacrifice everything to do their duty—to their country, to their unit, and to their fellow soldiers. As the movie makes clear, they also had families.”

They just thought Michael Palin was the hero!

lumpenprole February 11, 2009 at 8:56 pm

[re=241740]SuperMudVST[/re]:
That’s great. Palin is absolutely macabre as a white collar torturer.

They are men willing to sacrifice everything to do their duty—to their country, to their unit, and to their fellow soldiers. As the movie makes clear, they also had families.

“Confess quickly, son. You might jeopardize your credit rating!”

Bearbloke February 11, 2009 at 9:14 pm

[re=241356]accidental_tourist[/re]: Michael Douglas in “Falling Down” (1993) – mandatory viewing for Gingrich-era ReThug congresscritters.

Bearbloke February 11, 2009 at 9:18 pm

[re=241609]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Like, 4 years ago….

Mr Blifil February 11, 2009 at 10:22 pm

[re=241609]loquaciousmusic[/re]: It’s a pretty long plane ride. You’d have to really be into trannie hookers to want to see Brazil that bad. Oh wait, the movie? Yeah, good movie. But be a good liberal and plunder it off some Chineses pirate site instead of satisfying the greed of our corporate overlords at Netflix.

dball213 February 11, 2009 at 10:23 pm

I bet they watch Caddyshack and root for Ted Knight.

PsycGirl February 11, 2009 at 10:36 pm

So they’re saving “Freddy Got Fingered” for the top ten, then?

S.Luggo February 11, 2009 at 11:24 pm

Vas? I thought that it would be Pillow Talk, starring Steven Hadley and Doris Day.
http://www.iheartcleveland.com/ihc/blog/uploaded_images/pillowtalk_poster-719635.jpg
“Uggo. Do not stick your moist, female tongue into my manly, manly mouth, Miss PUMA, or I shall be forced to call my president.”

S.Luggo February 11, 2009 at 11:39 pm

[re=241242]Schadenfried[/re]: Non-English films in the cartoon category are often overlooked.

S.Luggo February 11, 2009 at 11:51 pm

“BRAVEFART.” After an extended rehab among the bungalows of Fire Island, Rush faces the oppressive libtards of the DEA.

S.Luggo February 12, 2009 at 12:42 am

[re=241283]AfghanVet[/re]: Omitted was: “Sarah: Bondage Governess of Alaska, Also.”

elburrito February 12, 2009 at 2:34 am

Whose throat would Jesus cut?

Trick question. The answer is Teddy Kennedy.

bathalax February 12, 2009 at 3:10 am

DEEP THROAT

Crapola February 12, 2009 at 6:59 am

[re=241623]thefrontpage[/re]: Kentucky Fried Movie = Win! Particularly ‘Catholic High School Girls in Trouble’ and ‘Rex Kramer: Danger Seeker’ should be making the list.

proudcitizen February 12, 2009 at 9:15 am

[re=241242]Schadenfried[/re]: It would have if the movie had stopped just before the redemption.

vkladchik February 12, 2009 at 9:43 am

Whose throat WOULDN’T Jesus cut?

Wedge February 12, 2009 at 12:00 pm

What no 300?! What Republican doesn’t identify with a culture of blood lust and thinly veiled homoeroticism. Yay Sparta! I mean a bunch of rugged, washboard ab’d, white dudes slaughtering thousands of chinamen, a-rabs and negros in the name of FREEDOM! And don’t forget the all the hot Spartan on Spartan butt fucking, which while not highlighted in the movie was sooo obviously happening in the shadows. Kinda like a house GOP retreat!

Scarab February 12, 2009 at 2:28 pm

Those conservatives, they’re such daring, non-conformist rebels. Always fighting against the establishment liberals and their stuffy, elitist ways.
I’m guessing #1 will be Animal House or Caddy Shack because those conservative films were always big hits at the ‘Skull and Bones’ movie night.

ProfessorJukes February 12, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Braveheart is such a totally Republican movie. It kills lots of people and throws a gay guy out a window. AND – it completely lies about everything. Gibson’s whole motive in the movie is the alleged forced-marriage to nobles or whatever… but of course that didn’t happen during William Wallace’s time. The movie is one of the most historically inaccurate things ever put on screen, and what’s more Republican than re-writing history to your own specifications, especially military history?
It’s basically “kill gays and protestants and praise Catholics, (like the crazy Irish guy), and kill everybody else in a really gory way, and also have lots of killing. Also.”

TheIdeologicalDyslexic February 13, 2009 at 10:01 am

Now Red Dawn was an easy one to predict would be on any conservatives top 25 movie list- Go Wolverines!- Heck an episode of American Dad was based on Red Dawn, only it was poking fun at the ridiculous premise of the film itself as well as at why conservatives love that movie. But Juno? What, did Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and Ted Haggard get to vote on their favorite movies with the rest of the closet homosexuals- oops- I mean ‘rugged individualists’….

The Dark Knight, Braveheart, I get; but The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and The Pursuit of Happyness? Two fantasy films which were each barely concealed tales justifying man on man love and one has Will Smith, the most bankable male actor in Hollywood today, and a decent black man that doesn’t scare the shit out of conservatives, so they included Smith’s most recent film to score some cheap “We’re not racists” points. Too bad that’s one of Will Smith’s worst films, but I guess Hancock had to much drunken hooliganism and adultery between Gods for conservatives to get behind…

heathenish February 13, 2009 at 10:47 pm

ManchuCandidate: WIN with Top Gun, unless they pick some John Wayne.

heathenish February 13, 2009 at 10:52 pm

oh wait, how long has John Wayne been dead?… if more than 25 years, #1 has to be Top Gun

heathenish February 13, 2009 at 10:53 pm

can we make a list of liberal films? I vote for Fight Club no.1

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