AND NOW SHE'S OLD  1:01 pm February 11, 2009

Happy 45th Birthday To Middle-Aged Anger Bear Sarah Palin!

by Ken Layne

Let Sarah be Sarah!Just a couple of years ago, Sarah Palin was a fresh young political personality. For battered and depressed Republicans who had just lost the House and Senate in an incredible pileup of corruption and perversion, it seemed like an impossible dream to have a happy, heterosexual family girl win a governorship — even if it was in some shoddy backwater like Juneau. Why, this Sarah Palin might just go all the way to the White House! Except she didn’t, and now she’s washed up.

Thanks to national idiot Bill Kristol, Palin was plucked from obscurity just 18 months after winning the Alaska governor’s race. And then she proceeded to make a fool out of John McCain, while simultaneously guaranteeing the election of America’s first black socialist president. God, she sucked!

And now she’s back home in the snowbilly trailer-trash burg of Wasilla, with her loser husband riding in circles around the house on a snowmobile, all night long, and her unmarried teen-aged daughter raising the grandchild of some random oxycontin dealer, and Trig dressed up like Shrek or something, who knows.

Oh and her top legal adviser resigned in disgrace today. Troopergate, etc. Her outrageous outfits, all $175,000 of ‘em, still rot in garbage bags at RNC headquarters in D.C.

Happy 45th birthday, Sarah Palin! Middle-aged people sometimes say “life begins at 40, or maybe 50,” or whatever, but not in your case. You’re done.

 
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{ 71 comments }

4tehlulz February 11, 2009 at 1:07 pm

She also bailed on CPAC to allegedly “govern” or something.

But hey, Ron Paul will be there, so there’s still something in it for Wonkette.

Min February 11, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Her outrageous outfits, all $175,000 of ‘em, still rot in garbage bags at RNC headquarters in D.C.

And again I ask, can I have them?

TJBeck February 11, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Now maybe Alaska can dump her on eBay.

shortsshortsshorts February 11, 2009 at 1:13 pm

I want to snark all over her. I want to snark her all night long. I want to snark her in my living room. I want to bring my laptop into the kitchen and snark her their, also. Also.

loquaciousmusic February 11, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Anonymous Office Zombie February 11, 2009 at 1:14 pm

Never say die, Palin. You’re 45 years young, and you’ve got your best years of fucking-up the GOP in to oblivion ahead of you. Yes, you can.

SayItWithWookies February 11, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Kathleen Parker thought she was stupid and divisive. That’s condemnation enough.

MegsOfMegs February 11, 2009 at 1:15 pm

I know it’s her birthday and all, but it’s like she was our very own hilarious gag gift, but the wrapping cost $175,000.

Mild Midwesterner February 11, 2009 at 1:16 pm

But she’s still the nation’s hottest GILF!

twowheeljunkie February 11, 2009 at 1:19 pm

[re=241149]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: Amen. I’d tap that conservative digbat.

Vanity Smurf February 11, 2009 at 1:20 pm

Wow. Grandmother at 44…. that means great-grandmother at about 60 and great-great-grandmother by 75, which is basically how old McNasty is now. This lipsticked bitch is gonna be with us for a long time. Hooray. Also.

Mr Blifil February 11, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Life does begin at 40, for many people. Of course then the problem is that it ends pretty much right smack on top of where it began. None of this applies if you have died prior to reaching 40. And contrary to popular belief my fellow Wonkette ladies, the scrotal folds do not become more taut or flush with vigor. They still pretty much just hang a little lower with each passing day.

bitchincamaro February 11, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Happy b’day, Miss Piggy.

TGY February 11, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Chocolate moose cake. Or mousse cake. Whatever.

GlennBecksFelch February 11, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Anita Bryant had a long career. We’ll see plenty more of Secessionist Sarah in the future.

Mustang February 11, 2009 at 1:26 pm

[re=241152]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Once that little baby gets old enough to get it up and ejaculate, the Palins can have a 5 generations picture in the Wasila Times! Cute!

rev_matt_y February 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm

When you put it that way, I guess I’m grateful to Palin for her hard work and sacrifice to get Obama elected.

Gorillionaire February 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm

[re=241152]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Pretty much the same life arc followed by Loretta Lynn.

Doglessliberal February 11, 2009 at 1:28 pm

[re=241149]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: nah, I’d have to go with O’Malley on that one:

the arms:

http://www.showbizireland.com/images/stars2/gigs-9-mayorbaltimore.jpg

and a nice headshot

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f5/Maryland_Gov_Martin_O'Malley_in_2006.jpg

ManchuCandidate February 11, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Happy Birthday To You Betcha

SayItWithWookies February 11, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Happy birthday, Sarah! Can you see obscurity from your house?

hobospacejungle February 11, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
You talk like a retard
And gave birth to one, too…

Sussemilch February 11, 2009 at 1:32 pm

O.J. Simpson, Tanya Harding, and Sarah Palin walk into a bar…

Cape Clod February 11, 2009 at 1:41 pm

The Sarah Palin Blog asks the question:

“Is it any coincidence that Sarah Palin shares the same birthday month as Ronald Reagan, Abraham Lincoln and George Washington? I think not. :)”

She also shares the February birthday month with Ayn Rand, Jimmy Hoffa, George Romero and Lon Chaney Jr., also.

http://hockey2k5susa.blogspot.com/2009/02/happy-birthday-governor-palin.html

Lascauxcaveman February 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Heh, I’m just like John McCain. Purty girls make me look stupid, too.

Plus, I go HEHNNNGH a lot.

nmmagayar February 11, 2009 at 1:43 pm

[re=241170]hobospacejungle[/re]: win!!!!

Mustang February 11, 2009 at 1:44 pm

[re=241171]Sussemilch[/re]: OJ asks, Do you serve whores? Bartender says, “Sure we serve anybody.”

Iggy Plop February 11, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=241164]Gorillionaire[/re]: Comeback album produced by Jack White?

user-of-owls February 11, 2009 at 1:45 pm

[re=241171]Sussemilch[/re]: …and Joe the Bartender asks, “What’ll ya have?”

tdehr February 11, 2009 at 1:47 pm

That picture is of her family, pushing her ice floe out into the Arctic, where she will then be shot from a helicopter.

donner_froh February 11, 2009 at 1:47 pm

From the LAT article: “In an interview with the Anchorage Daily News, Palin blamed the resignation on the “harsh political environment” in Alaska.”

Alaska has a harsh political environment? She really didn’t learn anything during the campaign–if she runs again she will see what harsh actually is.

Sara Benincasa February 11, 2009 at 1:47 pm

We owe her so much. She is awesome, much like Our God.

user-of-owls February 11, 2009 at 1:47 pm

[re=241175]Cape Clod[/re]: And, alas, with user-of-owls also as well. Can I change to the lunar calendar? Or the muslim-y one? Hell, even the Mayan doomsday one would be preferable.

chascates February 11, 2009 at 1:48 pm

We’ll see if she turns down any of the economic stimulus package in favor of less government expansion.

user-of-owls February 11, 2009 at 1:48 pm

[re=241182]tdehr[/re]: Tease.

shortsshortsshorts February 11, 2009 at 1:48 pm

[re=241182]tdehr[/re]: I totally agree in reducing the predator population of Palins.

Sara Benincasa February 11, 2009 at 1:49 pm

Every little thing she does is magic!

CrunchyKnee February 11, 2009 at 1:50 pm

[re=241170]hobospacejungle[/re]: Fucking brilliant!!!!!!

snideinplainsight February 11, 2009 at 1:51 pm

She looks constipated to me.

Mara47 February 11, 2009 at 1:52 pm

[re=241178]Mustang[/re]: Tanya Harding says, “Well then, clear me some space on this bar so I can get comfy for a while, and line ‘em up. Sarah, be sure you count the money twice before The Juice gets his cut.”

Or did you mean something a little less snarky?

slavojzizek February 11, 2009 at 1:54 pm

You librals won’t be laughing when your Muslin President guarantees another terrorist attack!

(aren’t posts like this more fun on AOL, with the excellent commenters?)

OReillysVibrator February 11, 2009 at 1:56 pm

I guarantee you (1) she thinks she just needs to come off a little more informed to win the next election she disgraces us in, (2) she thinks she will become more informed by watching Fox News, and that she will learn nothing new, (3) she will learn nothing above the wingnut stuff she feasts on already and (4) won’t be aware of it.

Servo February 11, 2009 at 1:56 pm

Hey, Sarah
Did ya ever wonder why Todd goes on those long snowmobile races? Perhaps he has an Inuit teenage queen or king on the side. He may also prefer the solitude and explosive vapors of a meth lab over the screaming children and shitty diapers. Honestly, I think that he can’t stomache one more minute with a certain wrinkly-assed 45-year-old egotistical dingbat with droopy boobs, hairy nipples, a worn-out pelvis, and an obnoxious voice that can drown the noise of a steel mill.
Just FYI.
Happy B-Day and Happy Valentines Day.
Cheers.

Rush February 11, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Happy birthday Ms. Gov
Baby Jesus she does love
Cake and ice cream with Trig
Smear more lipstick on the pig

norbizness February 11, 2009 at 1:58 pm

Steps to GOP governorship in Alaska:

1. Accept large checks from oil company
2. Distribute a portion of these checks to the populace
3. Ban gay marriage again
4. Take remainder of money to finance junkets where you shoot Eskimos via remote controlled gunship helicopter not unlike that one Roy Scheider was flying around. Firefox? It’s not just a browser, right?

Sussemilch February 11, 2009 at 2:00 pm

[re=241197]Mara47[/re]: A: juice, loose, moose.

Monsieur Grumpe February 11, 2009 at 2:05 pm

Sarah, happy birthday. I hear the ice fishin’ on Lake Erie is really great right now, take a break, you earned it.

MarSF February 11, 2009 at 2:05 pm

[re=241184]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Is this THE Sara Benincasa of the Fabulous Palin Vlogs?? Are we being visited by a superstar?

Gayer Than Thou February 11, 2009 at 2:14 pm

[re=241164]Gorillionaire[/re]: “Pretty much the same life arc followed by Loretta Lynn.”

With the critical difference that Loretta Lynn had a) talent and b) a talent you can lip sync to.

TeddyS February 11, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Happy Birthday to Sarah. May her highly visible leadership, mushmouth vocabulary and ever more tangled professional and personal lives be with the Republicans for many happy years to come.

lawrenceofthedesert February 11, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Photo is of a Palin rapture: “Just think, only 5,000 years ago, our Inuit ancestors hunted dinosaurs on this exact spot, you betcha.”

Mustang February 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

[re=241197]Mara47[/re]: Actually, it was sort of a lame-o parody of the classic “Do you serve crabs” joke. OJ indicates that he would like to purchase a whore. The bartender then looks at the group and assumes Oj is asking if whores are welcome in the establishment.

Crazybroad February 11, 2009 at 2:43 pm

She is so generous, giving US the tremendous gift of herself on HER birthday. She’s practically Jesus, you betcha.

Crazybroad February 11, 2009 at 2:47 pm

And lookee here, she’s sprouted her little advertisement over here on the left (hahaha) side of the screen! Now I feel bad that I didn’t get her anything…

WadISay February 11, 2009 at 3:07 pm

[re=241205]Servo[/re]: Cheers in what respect, Servo?

[re=241149]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: I dunno, a lot of people would like to tap Charlie Crist.

twowheeljunkie February 11, 2009 at 3:11 pm

[re=241205]Servo[/re]: You just ruined my fantasy.

Darkness February 11, 2009 at 3:22 pm

That picture scares me. Has she been kidnapped to superman’s home planet?

Brendan M. February 11, 2009 at 3:27 pm

[re=241175]Cape Clod[/re]: She also shares her birth month with Jimmy Hoffa, Lauren Conrad, Pauly Shore, Boris Yeltsin, Farrah Fawcett, Paris Hilton, Leslie Nielson, Jerry Springer, and Dan Quayle. Coincidence?

Brendan M. February 11, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=241396]Darkness[/re]: Isn’t Superman’s Fortress of Solitude in Alaska? I’m pretty sure that Newt Gingrich and Bobby Jindal are trying to banish her there, wherever that is…

DeLand DeLakes February 11, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=241175]Cape Clod[/re]: Sigh. Honest Abe’s 200th birthday is TOMORROW. Honestly, these people are so stupid, you would think that they were pinning all of their hopes for the future on a brain-dead Bible beater hellbent on breeding her own indentured servants. Oh wait.

I have the same birthday as W. It’s not fun.

Doglessliberal February 11, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=241457]DeLand DeLakes[/re]: Darwin’s b’day is tomorrow, too. It would have been depressingly ironic if she’d shared a b’day with him. How far we have slid back since his book…

Wellstones Ghost February 11, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Happy Birthday Sarah, Don’t stop. John McCain’s gifts just keep on giving like something he might have caught in college.

Palin/Bachmann 2012
Because the Raped Must Birth

Mahousu February 11, 2009 at 5:41 pm

What the … ? Today’s my birthday, too! No, really, it is. So it’s no wonder Sarah Palin and I are just alike. At least in that neither of us have a prayer of ever being elected president.

marmaloot February 11, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Darkness: Palin has clearly gone to the Fortress of Solitude to steal Obama’s powers. Let’s hope she can’t work the crystal.

Bruno February 11, 2009 at 5:58 pm

Is there any online bettin’ about how many more nippers she’s going to pop out?

Any gamble involving this should include bonus cash for if she attempts to hide one of her kin’s nippers

Jukesgrrl February 11, 2009 at 6:41 pm

[re=241170]hobospacejungle[/re]: Thanks for handing Denby his next book.

rocktonsammy February 11, 2009 at 7:42 pm

How many animals had to die to keep her dumb ass warm?

Datsun510 February 11, 2009 at 9:57 pm

[re=241170]hobospacejungle[/re]: Ken,please ban this. Also.

Datsun510 February 11, 2009 at 10:06 pm

[re=241213]Sussemilch[/re]: Win

Mama Grizzly February 11, 2009 at 11:17 pm

Oh thank you! It’s sooooo good to hear from you!

Sara Benincasa February 11, 2009 at 11:24 pm

[re=241219]MarSF[/re]: Totes. I owe this woman so, so much. And sadly, I’m only a superstar if superstars enjoy hanging around at 11:30 p.m. reading their favorite humorous liberal WAR BLOG web-sites and chortling like a monkey while frightening the other employees of Sirius XM.

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