and now she's old

Happy 45th Birthday To Middle-Aged Anger Bear Sarah Palin!

Let Sarah be Sarah!Just a couple of years ago, Sarah Palin was a fresh young political personality. For battered and depressed Republicans who had just lost the House and Senate in an incredible pileup of corruption and perversion, it seemed like an impossible dream to have a happy, heterosexual family girl win a governorship — even if it was in some shoddy backwater like Juneau. Why, this Sarah Palin might just go all the way to the White House! Except she didn’t, and now she’s washed up.

Thanks to national idiot Bill Kristol, Palin was plucked from obscurity just 18 months after winning the Alaska governor’s race. And then she proceeded to make a fool out of John McCain, while simultaneously guaranteeing the election of America’s first black socialist president. God, she sucked!

And now she’s back home in the snowbilly trailer-trash burg of Wasilla, with her loser husband riding in circles around the house on a snowmobile, all night long, and her unmarried teen-aged daughter raising the grandchild of some random oxycontin dealer, and Trig dressed up like Shrek or something, who knows.

Oh and her top legal adviser resigned in disgrace today. Troopergate, etc. Her outrageous outfits, all $175,000 of ‘em, still rot in garbage bags at RNC headquarters in D.C.

Happy 45th birthday, Sarah Palin! Middle-aged people sometimes say “life begins at 40, or maybe 50,” or whatever, but not in your case. You’re done.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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71 comments

  1. 4tehlulz

    She also bailed on CPAC to allegedly “govern” or something.

    But hey, Ron Paul will be there, so there’s still something in it for Wonkette.

  2. Min

    Her outrageous outfits, all $175,000 of ‘em, still rot in garbage bags at RNC headquarters in D.C.

    And again I ask, can I have them?

  3. shortsshortsshorts

    I want to snark all over her. I want to snark her all night long. I want to snark her in my living room. I want to bring my laptop into the kitchen and snark her their, also. Also.

  4. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Never say die, Palin. You’re 45 years young, and you’ve got your best years of fucking-up the GOP in to oblivion ahead of you. Yes, you can.

  5. MegsOfMegs

    I know it’s her birthday and all, but it’s like she was our very own hilarious gag gift, but the wrapping cost $175,000.

  6. Vanity Smurf

    Wow. Grandmother at 44…. that means great-grandmother at about 60 and great-great-grandmother by 75, which is basically how old McNasty is now. This lipsticked bitch is gonna be with us for a long time. Hooray. Also.

  7. Mr Blifil

    Life does begin at 40, for many people. Of course then the problem is that it ends pretty much right smack on top of where it began. None of this applies if you have died prior to reaching 40. And contrary to popular belief my fellow Wonkette ladies, the scrotal folds do not become more taut or flush with vigor. They still pretty much just hang a little lower with each passing day.

  8. Mustang

    [re=241152]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Once that little baby gets old enough to get it up and ejaculate, the Palins can have a 5 generations picture in the Wasila Times! Cute!

  9. rev_matt_y

    When you put it that way, I guess I’m grateful to Palin for her hard work and sacrifice to get Obama elected.

  10. hobospacejungle

    Happy Birthday to you
    Happy Birthday to you
    You talk like a retard
    And gave birth to one, too…

  11. Lascauxcaveman

    Heh, I’m just like John McCain. Purty girls make me look stupid, too.

    Plus, I go HEHNNNGH a lot.

  12. Mustang

    [re=241171]Sussemilch[/re]: OJ asks, Do you serve whores? Bartender says, “Sure we serve anybody.”

  13. tdehr

    That picture is of her family, pushing her ice floe out into the Arctic, where she will then be shot from a helicopter.

  14. donner_froh

    From the LAT article: “In an interview with the Anchorage Daily News, Palin blamed the resignation on the “harsh political environment” in Alaska.”

    Alaska has a harsh political environment? She really didn’t learn anything during the campaign–if she runs again she will see what harsh actually is.

  15. user-of-owls

    [re=241175]Cape Clod[/re]: And, alas, with user-of-owls also as well. Can I change to the lunar calendar? Or the muslim-y one? Hell, even the Mayan doomsday one would be preferable.

  16. chascates

    We’ll see if she turns down any of the economic stimulus package in favor of less government expansion.

  17. Mara47

    [re=241178]Mustang[/re]: Tanya Harding says, “Well then, clear me some space on this bar so I can get comfy for a while, and line ‘em up. Sarah, be sure you count the money twice before The Juice gets his cut.”

    Or did you mean something a little less snarky?

  18. slavojzizek

    You librals won’t be laughing when your Muslin President guarantees another terrorist attack!

    (aren’t posts like this more fun on AOL, with the excellent commenters?)

  19. OReillysVibrator

    I guarantee you (1) she thinks she just needs to come off a little more informed to win the next election she disgraces us in, (2) she thinks she will become more informed by watching Fox News, and that she will learn nothing new, (3) she will learn nothing above the wingnut stuff she feasts on already and (4) won’t be aware of it.

  20. Servo

    Hey, Sarah
    Did ya ever wonder why Todd goes on those long snowmobile races? Perhaps he has an Inuit teenage queen or king on the side. He may also prefer the solitude and explosive vapors of a meth lab over the screaming children and shitty diapers. Honestly, I think that he can’t stomache one more minute with a certain wrinkly-assed 45-year-old egotistical dingbat with droopy boobs, hairy nipples, a worn-out pelvis, and an obnoxious voice that can drown the noise of a steel mill.
    Just FYI.
    Happy B-Day and Happy Valentines Day.
    Cheers.

  21. Rush

    Happy birthday Ms. Gov
    Baby Jesus she does love
    Cake and ice cream with Trig
    Smear more lipstick on the pig

  22. norbizness

    Steps to GOP governorship in Alaska:

    1. Accept large checks from oil company
    2. Distribute a portion of these checks to the populace
    3. Ban gay marriage again
    4. Take remainder of money to finance junkets where you shoot Eskimos via remote controlled gunship helicopter not unlike that one Roy Scheider was flying around. Firefox? It’s not just a browser, right?

  23. Monsieur Grumpe

    Sarah, happy birthday. I hear the ice fishin’ on Lake Erie is really great right now, take a break, you earned it.

  24. MarSF

    [re=241184]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Is this THE Sara Benincasa of the Fabulous Palin Vlogs?? Are we being visited by a superstar?

  25. Gayer Than Thou

    [re=241164]Gorillionaire[/re]: “Pretty much the same life arc followed by Loretta Lynn.”

    With the critical difference that Loretta Lynn had a) talent and b) a talent you can lip sync to.

  26. TeddyS

    Happy Birthday to Sarah. May her highly visible leadership, mushmouth vocabulary and ever more tangled professional and personal lives be with the Republicans for many happy years to come.

  27. lawrenceofthedesert

    Photo is of a Palin rapture: “Just think, only 5,000 years ago, our Inuit ancestors hunted dinosaurs on this exact spot, you betcha.”

  28. Mustang

    [re=241197]Mara47[/re]: Actually, it was sort of a lame-o parody of the classic “Do you serve crabs” joke. OJ indicates that he would like to purchase a whore. The bartender then looks at the group and assumes Oj is asking if whores are welcome in the establishment.

  29. Crazybroad

    She is so generous, giving US the tremendous gift of herself on HER birthday. She’s practically Jesus, you betcha.

  30. Crazybroad

    And lookee here, she’s sprouted her little advertisement over here on the left (hahaha) side of the screen! Now I feel bad that I didn’t get her anything…

  31. WadISay

    [re=241205]Servo[/re]: Cheers in what respect, Servo?

    [re=241149]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: I dunno, a lot of people would like to tap Charlie Crist.

  32. Brendan M.

    [re=241175]Cape Clod[/re]: She also shares her birth month with Jimmy Hoffa, Lauren Conrad, Pauly Shore, Boris Yeltsin, Farrah Fawcett, Paris Hilton, Leslie Nielson, Jerry Springer, and Dan Quayle. Coincidence?

  33. Brendan M.

    [re=241396]Darkness[/re]: Isn’t Superman’s Fortress of Solitude in Alaska? I’m pretty sure that Newt Gingrich and Bobby Jindal are trying to banish her there, wherever that is…

  34. DeLand DeLakes

    [re=241175]Cape Clod[/re]: Sigh. Honest Abe’s 200th birthday is TOMORROW. Honestly, these people are so stupid, you would think that they were pinning all of their hopes for the future on a brain-dead Bible beater hellbent on breeding her own indentured servants. Oh wait.

    I have the same birthday as W. It’s not fun.

  35. Doglessliberal

    [re=241457]DeLand DeLakes[/re]: Darwin’s b’day is tomorrow, too. It would have been depressingly ironic if she’d shared a b’day with him. How far we have slid back since his book…

  36. Wellstones Ghost

    Happy Birthday Sarah, Don’t stop. John McCain’s gifts just keep on giving like something he might have caught in college.

    Palin/Bachmann 2012
    Because the Raped Must Birth

  37. Mahousu

    What the … ? Today’s my birthday, too! No, really, it is. So it’s no wonder Sarah Palin and I are just alike. At least in that neither of us have a prayer of ever being elected president.

  38. marmaloot

    Darkness: Palin has clearly gone to the Fortress of Solitude to steal Obama’s powers. Let’s hope she can’t work the crystal.

  39. Bruno

    Is there any online bettin’ about how many more nippers she’s going to pop out?

    Any gamble involving this should include bonus cash for if she attempts to hide one of her kin’s nippers

  40. Sara Benincasa

    [re=241219]MarSF[/re]: Totes. I owe this woman so, so much. And sadly, I’m only a superstar if superstars enjoy hanging around at 11:30 p.m. reading their favorite humorous liberal WAR BLOG web-sites and chortling like a monkey while frightening the other employees of Sirius XM.

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