Wonkette
Tim “TurboTax” Geithner revealed his magic plan to save the economy and the banks and the Toxic Assets, and the Senate approved the Stimulated Package, and … the markets collapsed! Again. The Dow plunged 340+ points, which is basically what happens every time the government makes some big move to try to stop the collapse, going back to October 2007, when all this shit began to spill. What, exactly, are these traders expecting?
Is Geithner, or Obama, or Allah, supposed to wave a lightsaber in the general direction of Wall Street and repeat three times, “I now pronounce the Dow at 15,000,” in German, and everybody gets a “bank error in your favor” box of gold doubloons and busloads of actual zombies from the Fort Detrick voodoo laboratory start banging on the doors of every stucco shitbox from the Florida panhandle to the San Diego suburbs with signed cash offers of $575,000?
Shares tumble on TARP II [Marketwatch]
36,000 in Mexican Pesos
Larry Kudlow foresaw this collapse and called for Geithner’s resignation last week:
http://kudlow.nationalreview.com/
The man is a veritable prophet.
This is a temporary blip caused by every executive on Wall Street ditching their stocks as a prelude to finding a job that pays more than a measly five hundred grand.
America government should let Bernie Madoff invest their money. He made a profit every year.
Maybe it has nothing to do with the plan but more because the serfs are growing restless and throwing barca loungers at them and so a lot of the people who run the financial institions are selling their money as fast as they can so they can stock it away and ride out the financial mess in their emergency bunker vacation homes on the Cayman Islands?
Fuck them. “Why won’t you give us the magic gold we once had?” Fucking dickbag investors. HATE. HATE.
This is promising: “Administration officials were greeted with sarcasm and laughter Monday night when they briefed lawmakers and congressional staff on Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner’s new financial-sector bailout project, according to people who were in the room.”
http://politicalwire.com/archives/2009/02/10/how_close_we_came_to_total_meltdown.html
It’s obviously the “thumbplay” Barack Obama speech excerpt ringtone ads which have are distracting all the traders, who have stopped trading and started reading Wonkette. This ad is only rivaled in ridiculousness by the life-size porn-statue wallpaper ad of Campbell Brown which ran a couple months back.
jagorev:
More yucks from the greatest Ekonomast of our time:
http://townhall.com/columnists/LawrenceKudlow/2006/04/27/the_greatest_story_never_told
I’m guessing crow is going to be served to Kraplow for a long time.
It’s getting harder and harder to make hobo jokes. The humor is disappearing faster than my available credit and grocery budget.
Scratch that - I need to be honest - it’s not a “grocery” budget as much as a “bar tab.” I have switched to cheaper beer and fewer shots though. Tough times. Tough times.
elfranko: Serolf Divad posted that earlier. Scares the living shit out of ya, doesn’t it, even in retrospect. Where where all the fierce, crusading business journalists September 16?
This is what we get for letting meth-addled squirrels run the stock market.
But the Wall Street people don’t know what’s going on either so when they panic and the Dow plunges does it even mean anything anymore? What would have to happen for them to feel confident again? Their dicks magically grow 5 inches and start jizzing cash money?
@norbizness: but congress people & their staffs also laughed and cracked jokes while bush crapped out this economic shit cake to begin with, and then gave him whatever he wanted; i’m confused as to how this congressional laughter gauge of doom works…
TARP II: Cruise Control
Meh, on the Dow. Sucker’s been bouncing around in the general neighborhood of 7900-8200 for what, a couple of months now? I think we’ll see a slow slide to low sevens over the next year.
I ain’t in a buying mood yet.
King of Pants: Word. Also.
Wasn’t the Market Collapse the cause the fucking Economic Rescue? Meth dogs, chasing their tails…
Ok, I’ll remain cautiously optimistic like Krugman. After that, I start breaking out the “Geithner looks like that little ratfaced Peter MacNicol” jokes. And by jokes, I mean I start calling him Peter MacNicol and mine the internet for Ghostbusters II quotes.
Lascauxcaveman: I sneezed and the DOW dropped 200 points.
freakishlystrong: Can we hunt the meth dogs for sustenance?
queeraselvis v 2.0: I wonder if, at this point, the banks are just holding the Dow hostage until they get what they want.
King of Pants: Which is, presumably, 30,000 ameros, 1,000 whore diamonds, and a one-way ticket to Barbados.
Gee, the news has been swell today. Can we just go straight to the story about how women can’t get pregnant anymore and no more babies will be born?
Cape Clod: With all these new fertility drugs out there, I don’t think that’s going to happen. The rest of us might not be able to have babies, but crazy women on food stamps will be able to have octuplets, thus saving society. But even if that won’t be true in the future and no babies will be born, what will Angelina Jolie do?
I used to have a 401(k). Now, I just have a 4.
Cape Clod: Cheer up will ya? Wanna’ see a banker cry?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/7880292.stm
Min: Lucky you. I just have a parenthetical k.
I’m glad Wallstreet is exhibiting its usual nerves of steel.
Pretty easy. In the middle of winter when the snow piles up and the roof caves in, no one cares. What, you live in the attic? Who gives a shit about you! But we quick bring in lots of beams and trusses to hold up the ceiling, because no one wants snow and plaster in their oatmeal, and if the slanted roof couldn’t hold it back, the ceiling is in trouble! Some people start running for the basement. They’d run for the neighbors, but it’s snowing everywhere. So there’s more beams, more trusses, more jury-rigged supports, until it stops snowing and starts melting.
So there’s survival, and then there’s water damage. Right now we’re working on survival and I think we’ve got it. But we’ll be cleaning up the water damage and rebuilding the roof all summer. And if you ran to the basement we’re fucking locking you down there for good.
bitchincamaro: Wait, what? Heads of banks apologizing for what they did and admit the whole bonus culture was wrong? That’s crazy.
Hooray For Anything: Those are British bankers, hence they don’t count.
“We’re sorry
So sorry
Please accept our apology”
Paul Krugman has the best analysis of the plan so far:
An old joke from my younger days: What do you get when you cross a Godfather with a deconstructionist? Someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand. I found myself remembering that joke when trying to make sense of the Geithner financial rescue plan.
http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/
Christ 1999 was so much cooler than 2009. I was all graduated from high school and still taking acid and having sex with virgins. The markets were still pretty solid, gas was cheap and we still lived with the delusion that other countries liked us.
Fast forward ten years and I haven’t taken acid since 2002, sex has all but disappeared from life and I don’t know how much gas is cuz I can’t afford a fucking car let alone the gas and insurance. There are no delusions - other countries really don’t like us.
bitchincamaro: Thank you. It’s even sweeter given that one of the bankers is called ‘Sir Fred’.
Looks like we have another Hank Paulson on our hands. Brace yourself people!
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2008/12/paulson-doesnt-expect-another-major.html
Kev-O-Tron: I can’t wait to watch VH-1’s new show “I Really Fucking Hated the ’00’s”
Dear Government:
I still have two pennies that I found this morning in an old pair of loafers. To whom do I send them?
Cape Clod: These are kind of cathartic but they don’t writhe in pain or shed real tears:
http://squeezethebanker.com/
TeddyS: You have loafers? Elitist!
WTF … BARRY…. SUPER TURBOMAX JUST BLOW IT !!! I GUESS WALL-STREET RESULTED TO BE SMARTER (FOR CHANGE) !!!
ALL - I ALMOST FORGOT, DON’T TRY TO CASH YOUR WELL FARE CHECK ANYMORE …. THE GOVMT ACCOUNT IS CLEAN AND YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE $20 DLLS RETURNED-CHECK CHARGE. ALSO MAKE SURE TO BRING ENOUGH FOOD STAMPS TO THE NEXT TOWN-HALL MEETING WITH BARRY.
NoNewKidontheBlock: DAMNIT you totally fucked up my shopping plans. Another $2000 to the President? This coke habit of his is getting out of hand.