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MITTENS
February 6, 2009
Ronald Reagan Would Have Posted This Video For The 800th Time Just To Honor Ronald Reagan’s Birthday, Because Ronald Reagan Would Have Loved This Ronald Reagan Video So Much
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Ronald Reagan would say “Who are you people again?”
Ronald Reagan would say, “Mommy! Make the android go away!”
“Most Reagan-like hair”
Oh, and DOUBLE GITMO! Classic.
Is that Ronald Reagan’s ghostly hand I see up the RomneyTek 2000′s butt?
BTW, Ronald Reagan loved spending. Loved it. Ate it with milk and sugar, just like Post Toasties. I mean, you can’t beat the Commies without spending the country into a record setting deficit.
Ronald Reagan would have approved of Super Bowl climax porn if it were PETA-vegetable porn as…..ketchup!!
Ronald Reagan would clone Jack Bauer, at any expense, for the CIA.
Isn’t “conservative” just another word for “outdated”?
I still hate Ronald Reagan.
Ah, Mittens.
Ronald Reagan would have loved to have my head this far up his butt.
I was able to interview Ronald Reagan shortly before he was buried alive. He begged me to take the flag off the coffin because it was covering up his breathing holes. His plot to slide out, faking alzheimers , then his own death, was foiled by the polyethelene, made in China flag. It doesn’t breath like cotton. Reagan had collected enough adrenacrone by digging up the corpses of SS soldiers, slaughtering hundreds of thousands of women and children in Latin America and extracting their pineal glands.
He could have lived another forty or fifty years with his old friends down there in South America.
He always did wrap himself in a cheap plastic imitation american Phlague so there ya go.
I’ll release the tapes after my death.
-s
Mittens dropped 16 Reagans in 1 minute. That’s 23,040 Reagans per day. 8,409,600 Reagans per year. Had Mittens somehow become our President, in a single term he might have said Ronald Reagan 33,638,400 times.
Ronald Reagan would say who are you and where’s my dog? Ronald Reagan would spin around making propeller sounds. Ronald Reagan would throw used diapers at a closed window in the oval office. Ronald Reagan would hold a mock wedding for his pencil sharpener and a copy a vintage copy of hustler.
Someone call the FCC, RomBot was transmitting republican porn on the tee-vees!
Tagged: RonaldReaganRonaldReaganRonaldReaganRonaldReagan*gasp!*splooge*shame spiral*
That was one of the longest and most boring 60 seconds of sound in … a looooong time. Mitt’s looking too much and sounding too much like Regan, but without the Gipper’s sense of humor… Not that I’m being an apologist for Wacky Ronnie.
From a commenter on TampaBay.com
“Why did Ronald Reagan typify the ideal candidate in the 2008 Republican presidential primary? Because he’s dead. “
Ronald Reagan was such a good religious conservative that his own namesake became an atheist Obama-supporting liberal.
Barry, appoint Ron Reagan as your new Health Secretary!
Ronald Reagan would also sell arms to our enemies to finance an illegal war and then swear in court that he believed he didn’t do any of it. Ronald Reagan would have memories of filming the liberation of a concentration camp at the end of World War II when he spent the duration of the conflict in California making movies. Ronald Reagan would appoint Ed Meese as Attorney General. Ronald Reagan would make most raccoon-fucking beagles look like Rhodes scholars.
The trouble with Ronnie was that he was real good at being An American, A Professional Card-Carrying Official American, being American at everyone, but pretty rubbish at being a human. Mittens does not get this flaw.
That’s the essential difference between them and yer Obama guy. He gets it in the right order.
Reagan would endorse anyone who would change his colostomy bag. Peeeeewww
Ronny beat an actual Southern Baptist Sunday schoolteacher and stated that he was a Protestant but wasn’t sure what denomination and to his knowledge had never been baptised. He continually repeated his wrong and made-up statements even after being told they were wrong. His greatest wish for America was that it always remain a place a person could get rich.
I only hope that the great California earthquake-to-come has his library and burial site as it’s epicenter.
heh. My wife just called and asked what vegetables are good for roasting. I now realize I missed a trick.
Q: How long does it take a baby to explode in a microwave?
Ronald Reagan: Gee, I don’t know. How long does it take a baby to explode in a microwave?
A: I couldn’t say, I was too busy climaxing.
[re=238447]LittlePig[/re]: “what vegetables are good for roasting”
Roasted Katsup is awesome if you’ve been thrown out of a mental hospital onto the street.
Ronald Reagan may have been a dick, but he’d still have kicked Willard in the nutsack for being such weaselly scumbag and suck-up.
Romney on Reagan.
And Nancy did not object? So much for the bonds of matrimony.
Sadz.
“After dinner we ran Star Trek III. It wasn’t too good.”
– Ronald Reagan, in his diaries
June 24, 1984
[re=238427]NoWireHangers[/re]: Our nation is not at risk with great mathematicians like you. Romney’s righteously repeated redundant “Ronald Reagan would’ves” just sound like R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R…..
i have always hated ronald reagan, really!
[re=238426]skutre[/re]: “digging up the corpses of SS soldiers”
Reagan always beleived in recyling.
[re=238450]skutre[/re]:
Answer: Boehner, Cornyn, McConnell, Coburn, Cohen and Bush.
Put the Romney-bot back in its crate and drop it into a large tank full of quick setting cement, cuff Joe Lieberman to it and drop it in the ocean, so it comes to rest in the deepest point of the Marianas Trench. Am I being unreasonable?
The best moment of the Presidential Primary shall forever be in my heart
makin’ money for president mittens
and all the friends of president mittens
taxachussetts uber alles
You know, if Wonkette was run by real Americans, it would change its name to Ronnette.
Might as well just burn the American flag.
If Ronald Reagan was alive today, he would be feeding off of Unicorn blood with Dick Cheney.
[re=238426]skutre[/re]: While it would be easy to believe your report, I’m skeptical…, Ronald Reagan doesn’t breath.
I can’t think of Ronald Reagan anymore without thinking of this:
http://www.myconfinedspace.com/wp-content/uploads/tdomf/23166/REAGAN%20SMASH.gif
[re=238468]kinginyellow[/re]: Ronny was unhappy with the Trek flic because he sympathized with the Klingons’ invention of the ultimate weapons against all sub-rich life forms: The Trickle Down Economics Photo Torpedo and the Laffer Curve Neutron Phaser.
Kirk, that Demrat turd.
[re=238487]S.Luggo[/re]: Sorry. Photon Torpedo.
Senators reach deal to cut stimulus bill to $780B!
We’ll all buy TruckNutz!!!!
Democratic hero Sen. Lieberman credits Rep. Senators Collins & Spector for stimulus compromise.
What would we do without Joe?
[re=238489]S.Luggo[/re]: Geek Test!
Didn’t Reagan make it legal to serve Terri Schiavo in school lunches?
Romney Rues Right’s Rejection, Risks Rush’s Wrath, Recalls Ronald Reagan’s Really Righteous Reign Repeatedly. Three times fast and if you fuck up = DRINK mofo!!
Ronnie Raygun
Ronnie Raygun
Where have you gone?
Ronnie Raygun.
It was a remarkable feat for dubya to be worse than Ronnie.
I was once wandering through the city, totally wasted, looking for the nearest subway, so I could get back to the suburbs, y’all. A latino negroid shambled out of an alleyway holding a plastic knife, yet I was utterly terrified because I’m pretty sure he was sick from cocaine aids (he didn’t say no, you guys; I could just tell). He backed me up against I wall to a place called Gorbachovs or something and I wanted nothing more than for someone to suddenly tear that shit down. I was about to pray to gawd or something when I smelled the disrinct and powerful stench of Aqua Velva cologne and the sense of a John Wayne impression. I turned around and there it was. A unicorn with the shriveled, embalmed head of an Alzheimer’d Ronald Reagan, chewing his lower lip. The unicorn took one step forward and my brown crack addicted attacker (you could JUST TELL, ok?) ran away, screaming. I turned to the Reagan Beast and said Thank You. The unicorn with Dead Reagan Head puked at my feet and mewed like a kitten. That’s when I remembered that I had taken acid at the Silver Jews show I’d attended earlier. I laughed at myself and pet the Conservative Hope Monster and it told me a joke:
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.”
And he was right.
[re=238508]Dean Booth[/re]: Close. Reagan declared Teri Schiavo a vegetable, and insisted that every American eat her at lunch so that we may remember her when we eat and drink.
[re=238512]Colander[/re]: A bit spare, but thank you for Countess Noonington’s next column.
I would like to take this opportunity when there are like 5 people reading (BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE BANNED THAT WAY) that I just purchased a domain (www.shortshortsshorts.com) and have WEB DEVELOPMENT people helping me. In about a month I will be sending your editors 1,000 tips a day with the heading CHEK OWT MIE BLAWG. This will be a collaborative effort, so those of you who know my e-mail address (which is far too many of you) contact me for sum hawt blawg action. Actually, fuck it. The email address for the site works, at least, and it’s shortsshortsshorts@shortsshortsshorts.com, so if you have any ideas or want to write “things” for real “people,” please feel free to shoot a note. Thank you five people for listening to me say that. I hate when people do this but it’s not like I’m LINKING you to some blog about what my cat did to my girlfriend or something. So there’s that. Also.
…ahhhhh, Ronald Reagan! The deity of choice for the wealthy and well to do. Well being that I’m slightly tipsy(TRANSLATION: On my 3rd Vodka Tonic) and not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I will take this moment to give my opinion of our 40th president. The ancient Egyptians use to erase the name of pharaohs who were failures from their entire history, because they believed they fell out of favor with the gods. I believe we should take up this tradition and dump this son of a bitches ashes/corpse in the deepest darkest part of the ocean and forget about of him for the rest of eternity. As a matter of fact the same should be done with George Bush and Dick Cheney. During the election Rethuglicans were constantly pushing the “meme” of Barack Obama as “the one”. As if he was some kind of weird and creepy cult leader; the ironic thing is that this is exactly what they have made Ronald Reagan. If you really re-trace this utter failure of president’s track record, then anyone with a 2 braincells would categorize him along with President Hoover! Instead Rethuglican have nailed him to the cross like Jesus Christ! Well the entire group of these fukk ups can ram a rusty iron rod up their asses! On second thought, since they are Republicans they will probably enjoy that, so instead I hope they have sex with their wives instead!
Fuck Ronald Reagan…
Pabst Blue Ribbon!!!
“You ain’t my bitch, Ronald Reagan! Buy your own damn fries!”
[re=238522]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Aww, PURCHASED?? I just purchased a rat sandwich, so clearly someone has gotten their tax return. If you like condescending rants that talk down to people who are not even reading, then expect emailz from me and my cat in the coming weeks.
[re=238523]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I’m on my second vodka and Rockstar and I HAVENT EVEN GONE OUT YET, so my Reagan blowup doll will get quite the drubbing when I return later.
[re=238522]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Can you set up a shortcut such as SSS@SSS.com? That many shorts makes me dizzy.
Even though I know it won’t ever happen, I’d love to see Ron Reagan on a ticket just to watch Republicans go crazy trying to run against him.
Long live the Gipper! The GOP’s one claim to fame. Too bad he’s not around anymore…
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/
[re=238426]skutre[/re]: Win.
[re=238511]MGBYG[/re]: In fact, I think this means that the next repug will be worse than Bush. And that definitely will mean the end of the world. The Obama era will be just the calm before the storm.
True story: The weekend Regan died, I was down in North Carolina and saw the Rebel Flag flying at half-mast in honor of his passing.
When I learned of the reaction of some aphasiacs to a Reagan speech (as documented in)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Who_Mistook_His_Wife_for_a_Hat
I got a little worried, because I had had a similar reaction, though not as strong. Reagan always turned me off; I found him insincere and obnoxious. When he was shot, my first thought was “what good was that?” because by then I thought of him as an animated, embalmed corpse.
[re=238512]Colander[/re]: THAT WAS YOU??!!
small world.
I was the large winged gray rat hissing, ‘don’t eat the brown sewer lids’.
[re=238529]Colander[/re]: As long as your cat doesn’t actually eat the woman, but rather coddles her closely, bangs her and than eats her, then you are welcome to e-mail me more than Barry during the primaries. Good luck with that though.
[re=238531]chascates[/re]: SS? SS? SS? Your Nazi schemes have no place here, but I’ll ask the “others.” Maybe the e-mail should just be a@b.c. I have no idea what I’m doing, but THE INVITATION FOR IDEAS IS STILL STRONG, like this gin.
Ees strong like zees indica canadensis. ZOMG – Canada invented weed.
[re=238546]Uncle Glenny[/re]: Wasted ammo… zombies can only be killed with holy water or sunlight. Or was that werewolves? It was one of those things that Reagan was.
This is a pretty weird thing:
http://www.shortshortshort.com/
[re=238562]chascates[/re]: Hey dood. Not mine. That is some freak with a blog. Cause you know, freaks like blog. THE PROJECT IS LIKE DRUDGE. Lot’s of sirens and such.
And I will buy that fucker out if he keeps posting his goddamn stories.
[re=238564]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Sirens are cool. Also world globes spinning around and such. Lined up Campbell Brown yet?
[re=238566]chascates[/re]: Well I railed her in her cyber tookis, but that was after I got a chance to say the pledge of allegiance with Robert Bennett, who never called back.
Wait, who?
[re=238570]davesnothere[/re]: Tim Duncan.
[re=238522]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Fuck You Penguin!
[re=238575]user-of-owls[/re]: I FIGHT YOU WITH SWORD, and such.
[re=238576]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Yeah, yeah…you probably believe in puffins, peckerhead.
RayGun is in my night terrors
WASHINGTON – Defense contractor KBR Inc., which is under criminal investigation in the electrocution deaths of at least two U.S. soldiers in Iraq, has been awarded a $35 million contract by the Pentagon to build an electrical distribution center and other projects there. haha yay!
[re=238578]user-of-owls[/re]: Alright are we starting a war against each other or not? You have 3 Paultard seconds to respond. The war shall otherwise commence in 5 minutes, after I have called my drunken mother and smoked a cigarette. After that all ONE pathetic fuckhead like yourself or mees can create is fear, which is good for capitalism and all that.
[re=238578]user-of-owls[/re]: I have a lot of respect for what you usually say, man, for you is a dick gone wrong. You eat the slanty unchristian dick. And then, when you are done eating it, it goes where your mommy didn’t want it to the first time. You can be the first person on the cyberwebs to be fucked in the left nostril.
[re=238578]user-of-owls[/re]: You are so smart and awesome too! I forgot about that! Tell me about the first time you did anything, because it is so exciting! Yah! You are awesome! YAY!!!
Well, sir, you had to be a dick didn’t you? You are user_of_priestly_dickness this evening, you witty son of a bitch! HAHAHA AND I AM SO SUCKING ALL THEM “PECKERHEADS” you creative bastard. Show me your ways! Let’s cyber.
[re=238523]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: To Republicans, Reagan is the ultimate fetish.
[re=238589]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: It is sad seeing the great heroes of the blog wars driven slowly insane in these times of peace.
Are you happy Jim Newell? They say that when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.
[re=238593]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I even emailed Alezander the Admin to ask that the comment would be removed, but the heroin has put everyone in a daze. There is truly no hope for humanity. DON’T TOUCH MY SHIT. Also.
[re=238522]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You’re now the master of your own domain?
Ronald Reagan would say, “If we love our blog, we should also love our fellow blogrymen and blogreywomen, and there is no law saying the Negro has to live in Harlem or Watts. “
[re=238546]Uncle Glenny[/re]: Thanks for the link. That was actually quite educational.
[re=238548]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: a@b.c would be the awesomest address ever. Go for it.
[re=238411]Third_Law[/re]: No, it’s another word for “would-be slave-owner.”
Mormotron 6000.
Did Barry do anything special for the RR birthday? I seem to remember him stroking the corpse during the campaign.
Found it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaoYD7iZG9w
“And that, my children, is how the world almost ended that dark and stormy Feb. morning when the Intertubes War beginned by teh two Titans (tits?)raged in cyberspace whilst the fucking GOP wasted everyones time trying to kill us all with death by tax cuts … which are worse than paper cuts and hurt like a sumbitch when vodka spills into them. Also. Now STFU and goes to sleep in your little hobo tent made from all those worthless stock shares I glued together with snot and dream of Hopey days.” The end. Really,.also. and tequila sunrise isn’t what I thought.
Somehow I think Reagan would have those pesky Mormon kid street urchin recruiters kicked in the nutz.
WWRRD
My grandmother works at a funeral home, and for some strange reason, they always play a tape of the Reagan funeral in the lobby.
I’m just waiting for a relative to die (one of the mean ones, I guess. Let’s not be morbid about this) so I can take a few family members aside, point to the footage of sobbing Nancy Reagan and whisper “She’s good. I wonder if we can get her for this funeral?”
[re=238630]Trace[/re]: I think of the Simpson’s episode where the TV channel plays an encore of the Princess Di funeral.
Well, this didn’t take long:
Michael S. Steele, the newly elected chairman of the Republican National Committee, arranged for his 2006 Senate campaign to pay a defunct company run by his sister for services that were never performed, his finance chairman from that campaign has told federal prosecutors.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/06/AR2009020604151.html?hpid=topnews
As Mr. Steele Observed:
Michael Steele said in a telephone interview that Republicans should oppose former Senate Democratic leader Tom Daschle’s nomination to be secretary of Health and Human Services. Daschle is the second Cabinet nominee to acknowledge he didn’t pay thousands of dollars in taxes.
“We’ve already let one cat out of the bag with (Treasury Secretary Timothy) Geithner,” Steele said. “So what’s the standard down to, to be a Cabinet secretary? You don’t have to pay your taxes? Come on.” http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/2009-02-01-Steele_N.htm
But to be GOP chair, you can commit fraud to send money to your family.
You got to love the GOP. Just when you think they might be rising from the grave, they hammer a stake back into their own heart.
shortsshortsshorts: Promise me you will have streaming video of Princess Di’s funeral on your blog. O promise promise promise.
And then you can have a Palin-loop, also, and start a MUSEUM FOR SHOPPING GREATNESS. Imelda Marcos. Also.
Of course Nancy Reagan — another Great Shopper — would be there also.
Jacqueline Kennedy, also: Great Shopping is not limited by party lines.
Found this on crooks and liars (it gave me a funny boner):
http://crooksandliars.com/silentpatriot/george-bush-offered-first-post-presi
Dyam Mitts, Let’s do up 2,000,000 rubber WWRD? bracelets to commemorate the beginning of your campaign for 2012!! But y’know I’ve got a little secret for you. Ronuld was a self centered egotistical, not very bright actor. Sorry.
[re=238648]stopmebeforeitypeagain[/re]: That is actually hilarious. And bipartisan. And therefore it should win eleventy billion dollars in stimulus.
The Cindybot also excels at exchanging monetary units for items of clothing…. does that count? What about Aretha? Her inaugural hat is obviously from outer space. Has Palin ever shopped above the troposphere, HENGHH???
Also…
I actually watched the Mittens video and I am amazed at how saying Raygun’s name over and over is hypnotic and I’m getting sleepy….
[in trance]
Yes, eviscerating public services and giving the money to the rich IS a good idea…trickle…trickle….
[re=238545]Advn2rgirl[/re]: I was in my cabin on a sailboat in Tahiti when I saw he was dead on the TeeVees.
Tropical Paradise, Reagan is dead…
Heaven?
[re=238659]Czn939[/re]: was captaining a converted shrimper [converted to reeferer]
in roatan harbor and heard on voice of america that reagan had been shot.
it, too, was a nice moment.
[re=238427]NoWireHangers[/re]: This is the cautionary mathematics of a terrifying alternate universe America. Brave, unflinching calculations!
And Mittens reminds us yet again of that enduring, inherent appeal of Reagan that La Noonan has surely championed, even unto this very day O my Wonkette:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Why_I_Want_to_Fuck_Ronald_Reagan
Dammit, I just read that Lux Interior died, and now I’m blubbering like an idiot. Damn these feelings — where is my delicious hate for George Bush when I need it!
[re=238522]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Dude, you totally typo’d your own domain.
(www.shortshortsshorts.com) Seriously? THIS CALLS FOR MORE S! Also.
[re=238668]bago[/re]: Hahaha that is referred to as a “fail” for mee.
A mediocre age produces mediocre heroes.
Reagan was the best that the GOPers had
going for ‘em since Eisenhower. Ike
was a mediocre president, but there was
that Supreme Commander of Allied Forces
in Europe thingee that he did during
Archie Bunker’s war.
Who else are the Repubs supposed to
constant genuflect to: Nixon, Ford,
the two damn Bushes? If in the realm
of the blind, the one-eyed man is king,
then in the age of viagra, a genuine
natural semi-hardon can be amazin’.
Raygun had guys like Mitt in his shit…nothing prunes couldn’t help.
[re=238671]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Ain’t that the truth. I think I’ll rant that to my dittohead dad tommorrow when he comes over for espresso. He’ll blow his top.
[re=238647]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: You got to love the GOP. Just when you think they might be rising from the grave, they hammer a stake back into their own heart.
Okay, you win best metaphor of 2009 so far. That is a keeper, and if you don’t mind, I’ll use it with appropriate attribution in future discussion and commentary. Thanks so much for the laugh.
Za Za Za Bing!
Mort
Event: Reagan Resurrection
Place: Simi Valley, California
Date: Some time in 2012
Time: WHEN THE JESUS TELLS US.
Attire: White House interns
[re=238679]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: He’s being cloned out of stem cells.
[re=238692]Darehead[/re]: To save us from ourselves.
[re=238695]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Will you get it up by then? (your domain, of which you are master)
That clip nearly killed me in the drinking game. Srsly.
My sister met Ronald Reagan once, at Shutters, a trendy bar/restaurant on the beach in Santa Monica. It was after his term, of course, and the Alzheimer’s was really gaining steam.
She says he was handsome, gracious, friendly, and fond of signing autographs. He seemed to really be enjoying the attention from folks.
He remembered that he had been a famous actor.
He apparently didn’t remember being president.
Just another role for a none-too-bright guy with great hair and a great voice.
[re=238743]iolanthe[/re]: It was after his term, of course, and the Alzheimer’s was really gaining steam.
So it was between his governorship and presidency?
[re=238743]iolanthe[/re]: He was busy commandeering new legislation, such as laxatives.
And who, except Ron, could forget splattering a teacher all over the Gulf of Mexico, while her family watched from the grand stand? What a great step for education!
[re=238743]iolanthe[/re]: That anecdote is strangely serene and frightful at the same time.
In the good ol’ Eighties The British parody series Spitting Image stated in their story about Reagan that he never was the President. As an old actor he naturally had a stunt double to do the dangerous stuff.
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