‘Blam!’

by Jim Newell

HA HA, god bless the Boston Phoenix for posting these snippets from the book-on-tape version of Dreams From My Father, in which Barack Obama impersonates the voice of his vulgar friend, “Ray.” Our favorite is “You ain’t my bitch, nigga! Buy your own damn fries!” The clearest proof so far that he is a muslin. [Boston Phoenix via Alex Balk]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 79 comments }

Josh Fruhlinger February 5, 2009 at 7:40 pm

NEERRRRRRRDDDDDDDD

Purple Tide February 5, 2009 at 7:41 pm

Is Ray busy? Cos we need a new Secretary of Health and Human Services, and I’m pretty sure pimps don’t have to pay taxes.

Colander February 5, 2009 at 7:43 pm

Ah, you brought back the ‘primaries photo.’

Also I dunno if the link is down, or if Google Chrome dropped out of high school, but only the Balk link works for me.

NoWireHangers February 5, 2009 at 7:48 pm

Oh man…There are gonna be some horrific mash-ups of this on YouTube real soon.

magic titty February 5, 2009 at 7:48 pm

Haha. Hardcore Barry. Good God this was depressing.

kingofnothing February 5, 2009 at 7:51 pm

This won’t do. The grand ayatollah of the Islamic Republic of America can’t be a smoker.

shortsshortsshorts February 5, 2009 at 7:54 pm

Now things should get interesting. It seemed so hopey before.
Welcome back partisan violence! How we missed you?

Lionel Hutz Esq. February 5, 2009 at 7:57 pm

My favorite part is where he discusses what he would do on his first day as president:

From this day on, the official language of America will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now… 16 years old!

Violenza February 5, 2009 at 7:57 pm

That link crashed my internet explorer, but it was kind of worth it. I was hoping that he would emote more, though.

Origami February 5, 2009 at 8:01 pm

OMG!!!! HE SAID “B” AND “N”!!!

1. I can’t wait for the Republicans to use this in the 2012 campaign.
2. I love how even when he is trying to talk sassy he still sounds like the head knight of the Math Club (aka: A NERD).

Purple Tide February 5, 2009 at 8:07 pm

He totally Baracks it at the end. He’s about to go off into southside Chicago streetspeak and then totally pulls back into reassuring Presidential baritone on “your own damn fries.”

daisy chain February 5, 2009 at 8:07 pm

Oh dear God, Barry is never whiter than when he’s pretending to be black.

AxmxZ February 5, 2009 at 8:11 pm

[re=237550]daisy chain[/re]: Story of his life.

regisgoat February 5, 2009 at 8:16 pm

Not since Urquel. But I love his non-threatening ass anyway.

Min February 5, 2009 at 8:20 pm

Has Ray ever considered a stint as White House Press Secretary? It would make C-SPAN a helluva lot more interesting.

tallulah February 5, 2009 at 8:21 pm

[re=237534]Violenza[/re]: what is this “internet explorer” you speak of?

AngryBlakGuy February 5, 2009 at 8:24 pm

…wait a second! Bitches are dogs, some dogs are Pit-Bulls, some Pit-Bulls wear lipstick and Sarah Palin is a Pit-bull with lipstick! Why is Barack Obama calling Sarah Palin a Bitch?

Just a little forecast of the Sean Hannity show tomorrow.

skutre February 5, 2009 at 8:24 pm

His Black dialect impersonation is about as good as mine. However, if that’s a Kool he’s smoking, he’s black enough to be my president.

AngryBlakGuy February 5, 2009 at 8:26 pm

…has Ray paid his taxes?

Purple Tide February 5, 2009 at 8:26 pm

[re=237534]Violenza[/re]: Did you miss the audiobook because they didn’t release it on 8-track?

SayItWithWookies February 5, 2009 at 8:26 pm

[re=237564]regisgoat[/re]: Someone should tell Barry that Pilsner + Urquel is not a mixed marriage.

secretagentgirl February 5, 2009 at 8:28 pm

Next question: Can I make this a ringtone for my phone or will it get me into trouble and/or my ass kicked?

wheelie February 5, 2009 at 8:28 pm

First-time memoirist Mr. Obama deftly captures the nuances of the negro “street” argot in this engaging audio-book, essaying the vernacular of the roguish character “Ray” so menacingly that this reviewer leapt from her divan upon first hearing and drew her living room curtains, before mixing herself a strong drink to calm her frayed nerves. 4 stars.

Purple Tide February 5, 2009 at 8:29 pm

[re=237575]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I beat you to it, but made a (racist!?) joke about Ray’s current line of work.

twoeightnine February 5, 2009 at 8:29 pm

So tempted to turn that into a ringtone.

jagorev February 5, 2009 at 8:36 pm

[re=237580]wheelie[/re]: I give you 5 stars for the Peggy impression.

Links February 5, 2009 at 8:36 pm

I want my Hopey v. Bale mash-up right now.

shortsshortsshorts February 5, 2009 at 8:38 pm

[re=237580]wheelie[/re]: Win. Brilliant.

marioninnyc February 5, 2009 at 8:41 pm

My new mantra: This shit is getting way too complicated for me. At least a reason to keep on living. Thanks you Wonkette.

SayItWithWookies February 5, 2009 at 8:45 pm
NoNewKidontheBlock February 5, 2009 at 8:45 pm

We need to move swiftly and sign stimulus plan…. GOSHHHHH, dont you hear the best economist say that we need to stimulate the economy or another 500 million fellow American are going to loose their Jobs….. (ps ps … Mr. Barry is not 500 million … is only another 500) oh oh .. I mean 500 fellow American are going to loose their Jobs. Anyhow we need to start to do sacrifices and think BIG…. lets put people to work.

All I’m saying this plan need to ….???? what I was saying ????

stew February 5, 2009 at 8:49 pm

“Cheney should leave country!,” Olberman.

Yeah, but who would take this devil dog?

SayItWithWookies February 5, 2009 at 8:54 pm

[re=237598]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Over. And apparently they’re not streaming his Q & A.

Purple Tide February 5, 2009 at 8:54 pm

[re=237600]stew[/re]: Alaska!

Cicada February 5, 2009 at 8:56 pm

[re=237599]NoNewKidontheBlock[/re]: Wha? Also.

stew February 5, 2009 at 8:57 pm

[re=237604]Purple Tide[/re]: Nah, Turkish prison. Reportedly, Satan now refuses to take him.

blackdontcrack February 5, 2009 at 9:10 pm

thats my new ringtone! thanks wonkest

Purple Tide February 5, 2009 at 9:20 pm

[re=237599]NoNewKidontheBlock[/re]: I’ll have what you’re having. ‘Loose’n me up a li’l bit.

Lionel Hutz Esq. February 5, 2009 at 9:26 pm

[re=237603]SayItWithWookies[/re]: In this case, “Q&A” stands for “Qur’an and Arabic studies.”

skutre February 5, 2009 at 9:26 pm

[re=237589]Links[/re]: “I want my Hopey v. Bale mash-up right now.”

Here ya go, in Stereo:

http://acksisofevil.org/audio/Barack-Bale.mp3

shortsshortsshorts February 5, 2009 at 9:30 pm

[re=237624]skutre[/re]: I fucking love the end of that. Awesome.

Purple Tide February 5, 2009 at 9:32 pm

[re=237624]skutre[/re]: I’d rather see Bale vs. Rahm Emanuel. Now that the Joker’s dead, maybe Rahm could pop up as the villain in the next Batman flick. “9-Fingered Ned” or something. His powers would include kicking Harry Reid in the ass and being a basement goblin.

shortsshortsshorts February 5, 2009 at 9:56 pm

[re=237628]Purple Tide[/re]: Tony?

SayItWithWookies February 5, 2009 at 10:21 pm

[re=237623]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Damn. I guessed Queer and Atheist.

magic titty February 5, 2009 at 10:52 pm

[re=237624]skutre[/re]: Jesus H. Christ. That was bloody absurd. And heroic. Thank you.

Uncommon Nonsense February 5, 2009 at 10:54 pm

[re=237624]skutre[/re]: DOUBLE-YOU. EYE. ENN.

Uncommon Nonsense February 5, 2009 at 10:55 pm

Is it just me, or is Barry kind of a slightly cleaned-up, lighter Frank Pembleton?

dollywould February 5, 2009 at 11:01 pm

[re=237624]skutre[/re]: I just giggled like a teenager. Thank you.

dollywould February 5, 2009 at 11:16 pm

[re=237598]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I love that he ended the speech with “I love you guys.” Awww!

Lionel Hutz Esq. February 5, 2009 at 11:46 pm

[re=237660]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That’s when Hillary is speaking.

CuntryFirst February 6, 2009 at 12:23 am

[re=237574]skutre[/re]: I like the way the word motherfucker rolled off his tongue with an almost Bernie Mac-esque ease. The rest of his performance, however, left a lot to be desired.

It seems the vetting over whether Obama was “black enough” was inadequate.

RetardoMonteblan February 6, 2009 at 12:30 am

REALLY? He’s a “muslin.” A cotton fabric that designers use to drape for making dresses, etc. Wow. That’s genius. So is our president going to be on Project Runway? Gah.

Jim Newell February 6, 2009 at 12:33 am

[re=237709]RetardoMonteblan[/re]: Someone remind me to ban this retard tomorrow, if it’s not done by 3 p.m.?

Aquannissiwamissoo February 6, 2009 at 12:48 am

Barack does black a lot better when he’s not doing black.

Aquannissiwamissoo February 6, 2009 at 12:52 am

Barack’s reading is to authentic spade jargon as David Hasselhoff is to gay jazz fusion opera.

gurukalehuru February 6, 2009 at 1:02 am

Are we not following the Andrew Card White House dress code bullshit story, which just totally blew up in his face cause he was stone cold lying his ass off, as usual? Photos of guys in shirts on Huffpo.

Also, buy your own goddamned trucknutz. Also.

jilly February 6, 2009 at 1:03 am

Fuck you, Barry. I’m out of smokes and my husband took the car. So thank you very much, I have no way to get to the store to get smokes, so again, fuck you Barry and all of you at Wonkette. The End.

Lionel Hutz Esq. February 6, 2009 at 1:09 am

[re=237710]Jim Newell[/re]: First give him some buttsex and then hang some Truck Nutz (TM) on him.

Vanity Smurf February 6, 2009 at 1:24 am

[re=237624]skutre[/re]: Motherfucking WIN

bhosp February 6, 2009 at 1:25 am

I really need him to say, “As-salaamu ‘alaykum, motherfucker.”

shortsshortsshorts February 6, 2009 at 1:46 am

[re=237715]jilly[/re]: For that you should receive 3 whore diamonds and a Space Oscar.

[re=237710]Jim Newell[/re]:
Heal The World

Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

ddukbokki February 6, 2009 at 2:14 am

sorry everyone, but ray is a homeless bum wandering the streets of los angeles.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3045281&page=1

hobospacejungle February 6, 2009 at 3:22 am

[re=237624]skutre[/re]: Fucking awesome WIN.

KristaJulieva February 6, 2009 at 4:04 am

[re=237726]ddukbokki[/re]: Hey, that would be depressing. Except he’s achieved a modicum of fame vicariously through President Obama! Therefore he’s more successful than me or you, despite living the life of what might be euphamistically called an involuntary freegan.

“You ain’t my bitch, nigga; buy yo’ own damn fries!” Lulz!

Bearbloke February 6, 2009 at 4:12 am

…and who said having a Black president wouldn’t be any fun?…

Bearbloke February 6, 2009 at 4:13 am

I think I’m gonna cut some ringtones outta this…

Sweetpiece February 6, 2009 at 4:31 am

Obama is hot!
.

TGY February 6, 2009 at 4:40 am

Today, we are all Barry’s bitches.

TGY February 6, 2009 at 5:10 am

…or maybe his father. Yeah. Today, we are all Barry’s father. Hm.

NoNewKidontheBlock February 6, 2009 at 7:13 am

Typical Chicago Mob…. “say hello to my lil’ friend!!
Where is Chuck N. when we most need him !!!!

NoNewKidontheBlock February 6, 2009 at 7:18 am

[re=237724]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: is that his new MANTRA ?

InsidiousTuna February 6, 2009 at 8:14 am

Today, we are all Barry’s bitches, and he is buying us french fries.

Campbell Brown February 6, 2009 at 8:20 am

Dudes on YouTube have been making Obama soundboard calls using Dreams From My Father clips before he was even elected. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_-_klsHgsw

Mitchbailey February 6, 2009 at 9:32 am

Obama has attitude; he is not angry. That’s his game face. Change is serious business. I think you’ll see it again, bitch.

Godot February 6, 2009 at 11:11 am

This is change I can believe in!

d4g33z February 6, 2009 at 12:39 pm

[re=237710]Jim Newell[/re]: But the pathos is so refreshing!

stink, but February 6, 2009 at 4:25 pm

I think that “Ray” is actually a just code-name for Joe “The Big Gaffer” Biden.

the cold war makes me hot February 6, 2009 at 8:44 pm

“You ain’t my bitch, nigga; buy yo’ own damn fries!” is the new ringtone for when my man calls me. I’m saving “Sorry-ass motherfucker” for Moms.

SporkyIIe February 6, 2009 at 11:15 pm

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