Wonkette
Our world’s benevolent Hive-Mind Artificial Intelligence God, “the Google,” keeps giving us special technological treats which actually enslave us — to make it exceptionally simple for “the Google” to lead us all to “data centers” for slaughter once it realizes the consumption of animal protein is a proven evolutionary tactic to grow larger, more complex brains. (Oh shit, probably shouldn’t have typed that! Good thing Google categorizes your Wonkette as satire … for now.)
Anyway, check out the cool new hot softwarez for your countercultural Blackberry!
Look at this incredible surveillance net people are RUSHING TO INSTALL ON THEIR OWN PHONES:
Do you know where your friends are? If not, Google wants to help you find them. Today, Google introduced Latitude, a new opt-in feature that lets smartphone and laptop users share their location with friends and allows those friends to share their locations in return.
Wonkette Prediction: If this becomes half as popular as the inexplicable “Twitter” fad — and there is certainly somebody “alpha testing” an “app” to combine these dastardly tools right now, in Palo Alto, or Budapest — we will get our first “congressman caught fucking hooker/child/staffer” catch by “Latitude” before the summer recess.
Google Latitude Service Lets You Track Your Friends: How It Works [PC World]
First they tell us to get new e-mail addresses, now this? When will the madness stop!
Good thing the mutants living in my attic only have iPhones (they got them from Walmart, don’t worry, they’re poor).
You mean the government planted this microchip in my head for no reason?!
Big brother is watching you.
Dear Google Overlords: You guys seemed so cool in the beginning. What happened? Well, at least I wasn’t the only one who got suckered in.
p.s., thanks for putting Dick Cheney’s house back onto Google Maps.
I don’t think I actually want to know where David Vitter and Larry Craig spend their off hours, do you?
Ken, after the Google-ocalypse, those first up against the wall will be those who failed to capitalize the 2nd B in BlackBerry.
Colander: Who buys iPhones from Wal-Mart? Actual poor people go to the fancy Apple store and put the phone and the contract on their nearly maxed-out Capital One credit card (this also explains why they are poor)
If Barry installs this on his armored Blackberry, we might finally be able to locate the secret Muslim mosque where he goes to pray to his Shark Gods for the destruction of America.
maybe my Paultard housemate is right afterall. yeah, the one who is stockpiling hunting knives & arctic condition sleeping bags, plus who will not touch the railings in the subway and is perfecting building a fire that cannot be seen from the air.
Uh… is it just me, or is this going to lead to more intense versions of computer stalking that people do on social networking sites? This will result in a great deal of domestic violence when people are too stupid to realize their boy/girlfriend knows exactly where they are having butt-sex without them.
http://www.phonetrace.org/
NSFW.
THEY HAVE ALREADY RELEASED THE TECHNOLOGY. BUT I WARN YOU THIS IS NOT SUITABLE FOR A WORK-LIKE ENVIRONMENT. THERE ARE ORBZ AND LIZARDS AT THE HELM.
psilage: When “range of motion” or whatever starts sending me (large) checks, I’ll use that retarded jumble of upper/lowercase.
“We will get our first “congressman caught fucking hooker/child/staffer” catch by “Latitude” before the summer recess.”
And judging by the picture accompanying this frightful bulletin from the future, the news will be delivered by a screaming Christian Bale.
Sounds like a neat gift idea to install on Osama bin Laden’s phone.
Tommmcatt: They are going to have to line the bathrooms at BWI and Ronnie Int’l with tinfoil.
I’ll be damned if I sign up for this. You can, you know, *call* (or *text* if you’re tech savvy) a friend and say, “I am on the streetcorner of Yin and Yang wearing only an overcoat and several balloon-dogs with a small flask of MD 20/20. Wish you were here.” You don’t have to AUTOMATICALLY UPDATE THEM 23-7*. What next, automatic bowel movement reports?
Who cares? Much like Twitter, who cares?
All this communication is a sad mistake.
*Used to be 24-7, but, eh, downtime.
…why don’t they just tattoo a bar code on foreheads and slap tracking collars on us?!
Believe me, Palo Alto is already WAY ahead of simply “testing” an “app.”
jagorev: Unless they’re tourists. Then they purchase their iPhones at the Apple vending machine inside Macy’s.
…I foresee a massive spike in parole/restraining order violations once this service is rolled out.
Norbert: I’m going to say this very quietly, so your roommate doesn’t hear…but you should think of moving. Just tiptoe quietly out the backdoor. Do not go into the basement, to check that one last thing. (plus, Rahm might be down there).
Eggcellent. I have been wondering about the whereabouts of nobody for years. I am sure nobody will be so happy that I am tracking them.
Norbert: I hope he at least grows his own weed, and shares.
AngryBlakGuy: I think this is a form of tracking collar. The bar codes on the forehead are coming — probably as the newest fashion accessory.
Arrrggghhh, the TEETH, make them stop following me !111!!1! They show up at every place I go. My iPhone told me to drive through the flea market, but Jesus told me not to stop for the cops.
Isn’t this the same technology the Pentagon uses for auto-targeting and counter-battery fire?
29A = The number of the beast. Or Larry Craig’s hotel room, either one.
memzilla: Is that what he calls it?
I already new about this, don’t ask me how. I’ve said enough already.
The world’s population will quickly be divided into two harsh categories, the Latties (those who participate), and Privacy Criminals (AKA PC’s) (those who do not participate). This division will cut across race, religion, economic status, and whiskey preference — tearing families, towns, and PTA meetings apart as the newest world order coagulates.
Once the new caste system sets in, Ron Paul will create a new dirigible based internet — where emails, internet searches, and porn viewing will all be done with blimps — to protect our civil rights from invasive non-blimp activities. Crystal Pepsi will rain down from the heavens, and the PCs will slaughter the Latties also. Also.
I’m guessing the most enthusiastic downloaders of this app will be spouses on their honeys’ phones.
shortsshortsshorts: …I have plenty of ex-girlfriends for you to stalk. Since I have begun to split my time between foraging in McDonalds dumpster and begging for money, I haven’t really had time to hide in their bushes and masturbate. But just make sure you tell them I sent you if the discover you spying in their windows; I don’t want them to get too comfortable!
And let SkyNet know where to find me when the t-800s are completed? I don’t think so!
think of the children!! all those poor children who can no longer sneak out of the house at 2am and text their ‘best friend’ to meet in the church parking lot for oral sex and diet coke! (mom and dad will follow you, kids…better leave the cell phone at home and call each other with unambiguous and far-ranging animal calls…)
Doesn’t Boost have an entire ad campaign about this exact thing? This technology is like a year old. Google really is the Microsoft.
Teh Google, are becoming Self-Aware..
hockeymom: dont worry, I would never go in the basement, one of my other roommates is preparing some roadkill pelts down there because it is good and cold (less spoilage). and SHE’S A GIRL. I shit you not.
moving has crossed my mind. but where would I go? and why give up such a gold mine of comedy?
jagorev: HA! funny you should say … he gets his off of me now, because he’s too lazy to call his regular guy. it’s the new economy!
Of oourse, the *real* money will be made by the Russian Business Network (google it) coming out with an application that *spoofs* this service.
RBN will be charging a hefty ransom to *stop* having your cellphone pinging back as being at the local cathouse / dealer / pederastorium / Senate chamber.
shortsshortsshorts: 29A = 1010011010 = 666 (hex - binary - decimal).
memzilla: A business model based on IP infringement, blackmail, and extortion. Sounds like Microsoft!
memzilla: I’ve suspected for some time that my computer was being possessed by a bot-net. It’s actually comforting to have some idea what it will be up to in the future: extorting congressmen.
Norbert: does he watch the knife show? It’s awesome if there’s nothing on TV. It’s a bunch of drunk (seriously drunk) hillbillies selling crappy knives. There’s even a dead deer on the wall behind them. One night, it was the producers, or someone’s, birthday, and he stumbled in with a glass full of whiskey and started yelling about the knives. Pure awesome.
psilage: I have been trying to pronounce Google-ocalypse for at least half a minute and have failed. Shamefully. Butcha don’t know where I am… at least.
I do confess that I capitalize the second “B.” It’s part of my job….. that’s why I make the beeg bucks.
facehead: Ooh, cool. I always wanted to be a stainless steel rat.
lenorecutie: lenorecutie that died so young, all I can say is thank god my roommate doesnt have TV or a credit card.
Why do they all just keep staring off into space like that?
Maybe David Paterson is a Terminator T-1000?! Yeah, I bet that’s it!
I can’t hear you, I have a surveillance camera in my pants.
Has anyone done an “All Your Locations Are Belong To Google” joke? No? Well, there ya go….
Bronkers: word. I had to write a script to change all occurrences, dawg.
Prime use for this thing: Tracking your teenager. Poor kids.
Aw, give it up. I will just keep running. Besides, you can’t kill me; I’m already dead.
hmmmm, maybe I do feel an avatar change coming on…