that guy

Kwame Kilpatrick Released From Jail, Makes Bee-Line To Benz Chili Bowl

Sometimes comical ex-Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, was released from Detroit prison after 99 days of memorable anal sex (and a possible conversion to Muslin!) He was picked up by a private driver (remember to pay taxes on that!) and emerged to the screams of a full dozen insane “fans.” He remains on probation, duh, but this will not deter him from fulfilling the American dream: homesteading, and starting anew, in the West. Hooray for the “safety valve” theory of American expansion! Now let’s all go shoot people hmm?

Texas! He will go to Texas, dig a hole in the ground, start drilling oil, and then get arrested for fucking someone in a sack of hamburgers:

Kilpatrick was expected to meet with state probation officials before heading to a job interview Wednesday with an unnamed company at an undisclosed location in Texas. His wife, Carlita, and three young sons, already have left Michigan.

A judge has ordered that he return by Feb. 9.

“The job prospect is very, very, very favorable,” Gary told reporters. “We want to make sure he can get, and land, the job. That’s his first thing. He wants a job. That’s what he is concerned about now. He wants to get with his family, get with his kids so he can start his life again.”

Let’s hope that George W. Bush hires him for this job, which is to dance in a clown costume from inside an ice castle, for 16 hours a day. It’s a good fucking job motherfuckers!

Former Detroit mayor Kilpatrick released from jail [AP]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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34 comments

  1. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    My office mate got sent to take pics. I’ll try to get some to send in! Woo, Benz Chili!

  2. Red Zeppelin

    I hear they’re doing a remake of the A-Team, consisting entirely of disgraced politicians. I pity the fool!

  3. shortsshortsshorts

    Well at least there’s one black convict who is still able to find work. THE SYSTEM REALLY WORKS!

  4. chascates

    And we in Texas welcome him with open arms. If he wants a job in politics he’ll need to ‘find Jesus’ though. Maybe the Dallas Cowboys need an assistant coach? There is an auto plant in San Antonio and he’s qualified to ruin that as well.

  5. BillyClubb

    Kwame Kilpatrick is coming to Texas? That’s it, I’m packing my hobo knapsack and hopping the next train out of here.

  6. Monsieur Grumpe

    “The 38-year-old Kilpatrick, about 25 pounds lighter than when he entered jail…”

    What he really should do is write a diet book.

  7. bitchincamaro

    Good for Michigan, bad for Texas. This asswipe is poison. Imagine the looks he gets from his wife and kids everytime they see him working the little keys on his BB. What a twunt.

  8. V572625694

    [re=235335]BillyClubb[/re]: Hobos carry their belongings in “bindles” and are therefore known as “bindlestiffs.” Every trade has its patois.

  9. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=235343]magic titty[/re]: On that note: my friend Anthony (black) mistook a picture of Memphis Slim for Seal yesterday. I was giddy with delight when I got to ask him if “all black people look the same.”

  10. magic titty

    [re=235349]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Haha. You were biding your time. And he gave you an easy one. Well done.

  11. Woodwards Friend

    His new lawyer is a total slob as well. This guy is accused of raping one of his secretaries and as evidence that he didn’t do it, he submitted a video of his adult son and the secretary having hot sex. Why would anyone rape a chick that easy?

  12. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=235343]magic titty[/re]: “I know he can do the job. But can he get the job? I’m not arguing with you about that! I know he can do the job. I know he can do the job. But can he get the job?”

  13. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    and a possible conversion to Muslin!

    Nope. He still feels like meat, smells like meat, and tastes like meat. Lean, dark meat.

  14. expatinOz

    [re=235369]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: DAMN! That’s sooooooooooo where I was going…I’m a flibberdegibbet…

  15. donner_froh

    [re=235343]magic titty[/re]: Tree Rollins who is still known for biting Danny Ainge (Rollins lucky he didn’t get rabbies) which sparked the headline “Tree Bites Man”.

  16. Joey Ratz

    At least it was memorable assfucking. How jaded do you have to be to have 99 days in a row of forgettable anal sex?

    [re=235362]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Um, what? For realz? That sounds almost as effective as the Chewbacca Defense employed by Johnny Cochran in an early South Park episode (“If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit!”). More importantly, did it work? This is, after all, Detroit.

  17. hobospacejungle

    Who lets Kwame dress like that? Shirt buttoned up to the neck, pants hiked way up, sleeves to the elbows — FAIL Kwame. Let your mother dress you next time.

  18. assistant/atlas

    [re=235479]Joey Ratz[/re]: How jaded do you have to be to have 99 days in a row of forgettable anal sex?

    A year or two in LA should do it.

  19. DustBowlBlues

    Homesteading? Does that mean they gave him forty acres and a mule?

    Send him to go integrate Midland, TX.

  20. Warren Terror

    Ha ha, fucking someone in a bag of hamburgers is similar to being sewn into a bag of unpleasant animals and being thrown into the Tiber.

    So, in closing, Carthage must be destroyed.

  21. MGBYG

    ‘Kwame’ is short in the 313 for “kleen ^ ur wtf txt Hboi”

    Or at least that’s what my nine year old tells me….

  22. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=235585]sanantonerose[/re]: Bindlesticks are making a mad comeback on the internets. Larry Craig is very happy about this. They are also referred to as fags, but we can blame Mariam-Webster for that definition.

  23. Crazybroad

    I TOLD you Detroit would get its revenge for all that southern state bad-mouthing of the Big Three!!

    Molly Ivins is totally clawing to get out of her grave to write about this new(?) era of Texas politics. We miss you and your delicious snark, Molly.

  24. Woodwards Friend

    [re=235479]Joey Ratz[/re]: If I could make something like that up, I would write for The Onion instead of scribbling comments on the bottome of Wonkette stuff. There are links to all Gary’s shenangigans at my blog: http://tinyurl.com/dj2bvo.

Comments are closed.