Wonkette
Here, once again from our Wonkette operative “Danielle,” is a frightening truckload of Jesus corpses, being delivered to the FCC headquarters. Send your scenes from the office window to tips@wonkette.com, subject line THE HORROR I’VE WITNESSED.
THE HORROR YOU'VE WITNESSED
Jesus Christ is WHAT?
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There is an entire parking lot of these in San Diego, just off the 8. There are literally like 50 of them.
Jesus Christ condones saddlebacking. Yessiree.
I can’t wait for the Rupture. Jesus to trucker: You put my name on the side a motherfucking semi?!
StephanieInCA: I see one on the 5 near DeAnza Cove sometimes. It says, “Jesus is Lord” in huge type, and below it: “Not a Swear Word.” WTF is this supposed to mean? — I thought Jack Lord was the star of Hawaii Five-O.
You assume I have a window. False. I have no window.
“Cooze” even in its Frenchified form as “j’accoze” is not socially acceptable. I learned that today. Also.
Don’t we have to stone them to death now?
i once saw a sign on a church in McAllen Texas, it said ‘Go to church For Christ’s Sake’. I thought ‘damn those guys are getting pushy’.
Just thought I’d share.
Holy rolling billboards. God sure works in mysterious ways.
But why does she have to work through idiots?
Jeebus is Tracy Lords?
Christianity stays on #1 because they spend the most $$ on adz.
Imagine the Trucknutz on that baby. Fondle them with scented oils and you have your ticket to heaven when the rig backs up on you and crushes you like a character from Hanna Barbara.
I’ve always willfully misread that slogan as “Jesus Is Loud.” And then I’m all like, sure is, needs to shut the fuck up.
See, that’s one of those tandem trailers only it’s missing its back half.
Which reads “Voldemort”
Funny, because the first thing I thought when I saw that was “Jesus Fucking Christ.”
But seriously, do some people think Ba’al is Lord? What does that even mean?
ManchuCandidate: That would be cool, if it were the old, young Tracy Lords.
V572625694: Ba’al is Lord! (It’s just an ancient Semitic name meaning “Lord.”)
They’re just trying to get out of paying taxes. Probably has a bumper sticker on the back that says “My Other Church is a Harley”
V572625694: Yep, “Not a Swear Word” is the smaller text in this photo too. FYI. Also.
Ken Layne: “Honorific” is the technical name for such a term.
StephanieInCA: Off the 8 where? Must be El Cajon or ….
V572625694: She’s forever 15 if you come over to my house.
You know that is not the real Jesus trailer, because if it was, all of the heathens in DC would be bursting into flames in the picture.
magic titty: Lord Vishnu’s advertising budget was slashed this year.
Surely some graffiti artist somewhere has changed the o in Lord to an a?
If not, get after it.
Jesus Christ is kitsch.
And by LORD, they mean Left Over Roman Deity.
StephanieInCA: Oh. I figured the smaller text was “Shoot ‘em all, and let God sort ‘em out.”
I was driving a rented moving van filled with my belongings down the 14 near Palmdale when I saw this huge sign, painted in 5-foot letters on the side of a big freeway-facing pink cinderblock church:
JESUS
I COME QUICKLY
Punctuated (or not) just like that. My brain first read it as some TMI; then the laughter started. I tried to squelch it, but then my b/f, riding shotgun, let out one snicker. Just one. Then we both erupted into laughter so hysterical the loaded truck began careening all over the freeway. We had to pull over until the fits had passed … about 15 minutes.
That was 20 years a-gone, and we still laugh about it.
I know what Scripture they were trying to quote. It ain’t punctuated like *that*! And it’s hard to believe that *NO ONE* in that church had the nuts to tell Pastor, “Um … it’s possible the godless unbelievers and spiritually bereft mockers out there might take that in an unclean way. You know how hopeless sinners can be! Perhaps we should choose another verse, or bust out the Strunk & White and figure out better punctuation?”
Ken Layne: That would look way cooler on the semi: Ba’al is Lord!
Mr Blifil: I know where you got those glasses. Does it work?
Holy shit! Jebus has a ginourmous carbon footprint…
Now if there was a giant Campbell Brown on that truck . . .
i just wish he’d hurry up and come already. I’m getting sore and I have to work in the morning.
And yes, I am aware that I’m going to hell.
V572625694: Yeah but not on that legacy shit. For that you have to squeeze one out the old fashioned way. In your mom’s monogrammed hanky. I’m talking old school.
I want a truck to say “This is your God”.
If only it said “Jesus Christ is Lard”. I prefer my transubstantiation to be finger-lickin’ good.
Finally, proof that HD broadcasts run off of the burned corpses of messiahs. I must get this up on my blog immediately!
Iggy Plop: WIN
Ken Layne: Actually, there’s a trucking firm right behind the San Diego sports arena with a dozen or so of these Jesus-trailers.
No- I want to be driving my car and then Kevin McCarthy comes up to my window and screams frantically “Jesus Christ is Lord!! You’re Next!!!” and then stumbles on to the next car. And yet, it is probably too late.
?
Tatooed on the Lord’s ass: What would Peterbilt do?
Fivetree: WIN. Also, probably true.
Ken Layne: no, freakishly enough, in Point Loma/Sports Arena area. Right by OB, where the hippies and Witches and Satanists are. Talk about taking the fight to the enemy…
Dr. Spaceman: It’s kind of fitting that they’re stored by the Swap Meet.
so are they just keeping the corpses here until they rise from the dead in three days or what?
I thought that said Jesus CRUST is Lord. Sounds like tasty pizza.
does the view from my cubicle qualify? I don’t remember what windows look like.
Ken Layne: Right here: http://urbzen.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/jesus-christ.jpg
God I love google earth. Being a stalker used to be so HARD.
Jesus is Lord what? Lord of the Dance? Lord of the Flies?
magic titty: actually the muslins are #1, christians just think they are, kinda like the Dallas Cowboys.
Thats one of those NAFTA trucks over from Mexico. I think it refers to a Mexican rock star, their version of Bono or something. Nothing to get all reverent about.
jesus christ, is lord byron brining that cursed animal in here again?!
Jesus Christ is LARP.
… geeze, but this is hell on my productivity. And office decorum.
Does the “How’s my driving?” phone number go to… Rev. Rick?
NoWireHangers: win; Iolanthe: win; bitchincamaro: win
In my godless, non-believing, ‘umble opinion.
NoWireHangers: He is risen indeed!
Bronkers: “How’s My Driving?” is 1-800-UR-SUKRS
chascates: WORD, chascates. More word than The Word.
I always appreciate the overall Jesusy-ness of truckers, because there’s a very large truckstop near my house and whenever I drive past it at night I seem some very unholy-looking ladies(?) in need of spiritual guidance.
Ya know, back when that “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain” thing was written, they didn’t *just* mean you couldn’t bust out with God’s name when you dropped an anvil on your toe, or found out your MIL was coming to live with you.
It probably also applied to stuff like, oh, *NOT WRITING HIS HOLY NAME ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING *TRUCK* AT YOUR FUCKING *WORKPLACE*, YA CLASSLESS SMUG PHONY-SPIRITUAL SPIRITUALLY PROUD THROBBING ASSBAG HYPOCRITE!!!* You don’t need it on your plumbing supplies business card. You don’t need it on your automobile bumpers. You don’t need it on your stationery or your baby’s little pink t-shirt. Etcetera.
I’ll bet the “name in vain” thing also applies to “Prayer Circles” (as bad as Hippie Drum Circles, only a billion times worse). As a member of the Francis Schaeffer Ex Fundie Club, I’ve witnessed this many times:
Christian in Prayer Circle: “And, Lord, we just want to come before you Jesus this beautiful day, Jesus to thank you Lord for bringing us together Lord Jesus and we just want to ask you Jesus to smite our enemies today Lord. And Jesus we ask Jesus that you give us the strength Jesus to …” etc. etc. etc. I’m not exaggerating.
If I were God I’d zap those jackasses with a lightning bolt, while thundering from the heavens, “That’s my name! Don’t wear it out!”
Jesus Christ is LOAD. Like Ken said, they’re offloading Jesi (probably transubstantiated, unleavened versions). Signage mystery solved.
Maybe he’s delivering some new SuperBowl halftime wardrobes for Ms. Jackson.
Well, on one side it says Jesus is Lord, but the other side says “but my truck is bigger than your civic”
Here in Texas (and I’m sure all of the south) we have a lot of these signs on trucks to spread the Go$pel. It also pretty much wipes away any sins such as speeding, taking speed, whoring, etc. that truck drivers tend to get into as well.
Your mileage may very.
chascates: Yeah … what’s important is just throwing that name around. That’s “Lifting Up Christ”.
You can *act* like as much of a douchebag as you want to … ’cause you’re Saved. Behaving yourself? At all? Ever? Not being a snake-mean shitbag every chance you get? That’s just for unsaved pussies and faggitz.
God how I hate those people. And after spending nearly a decade in one of their churches (I was young and stupid, OK?) I hate ‘em even more.
iolanthe: NOT WRITING HIS HOLY NAME ALL OVER YOUR FUCKING *TRUCK* AT YOUR FUCKING *WORKPLACE*, YA CLASSLESS SMUG PHONY-SPIRITUAL SPIRITUALLY PROUD THROBBING ASSBAG HYPOCRITE!!!
is my new bumper sticker.
I just never got the thing about putting one’s religious preference on a motor vehicle. Like that little chrome fish symbols with the cross in it. Is it supposed to be a secret message to thwart the Roman constables or something? Do you want everyone to pull over and congradulate you or something? I just don’t get it. Ditto those bumper stickers that say “I (heart) my Wife”. No shit? Really? Good for you! What a special guy you must be! I want a bumper sticker that looks like that but says instead “I Fuck My Wife”. Or maybe even “I Fuck Your Wife”. Whatever.
Iolanthe: Thanks a LOT for reminging me of prayer circle speak. Just what I needed. The only antidote is beer and porn.
jilly: Ah. A fellow sufferer!
Glad you made it out.
And amazed I could make all that Come Alive for you once more. Remember the sweaty hands in yours? The gentle hypnotic group swaying? The creepy murmurs of “Yeeesss Loooord… ohhhhh yeeeessss loooord …” all through it, as if everyone was having very slow-motion group butt-secks?
I’ve been Jewish for all of my life, but if some sign on a truck says Jesus is Lord, well, then, I guess it’s true. I’m converting
iolanthe: When my grandfather got remarried, his new wife was a superfundie and her son-in-law the Baptist minister did the ceremony. My mother kept having to kick my brothers and me because he was one of those who doesn’t just say “Jesus” all the time, he says “JEEEsus” and we kept giggling.
Gorillionaire: I actually like the stores that advertise with the little fish symbol. I won’t do businesses with fish places and so I don’t have to be subjected to their ‘Christian’ attitudes.
Gandhi said it best:
“I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ.”
Hooray For Anything: Yeah. That’s right. The very sight of those beautiful words will just strike people Christian, I guess!
Sigh …
I used to be a member of a door-knocking (aka “soulwinning”) crew. We’d loom up out of the twilight, ring peoples’ doorbells, and basically imply to them that they’d be going to Hell unless they decided to join us in the Sinner’s Prayer that very night. Surprisingly few people sicced their dogs on us. Once every few weeks, some sucker would cave, right there. Then there would be much rejoicing over the “new babe in Christ”, and he/she’d be invited to our church. Once in awhile, one would show up, attend a meeting or two, and then disappear forever. Hard to believe that a person wouldn’t forge a deep lasting spiritual commitment on the strength of a two-minute fear-based doorstep convo with three creepy self-righteous strangers, isn’t it?
My unfavorite truckvangelism are the trucks that say “It’s a CHILD not a CHOICE.”
I get stuck behind one of those fuckers on the highway and start fuming until I want to do a 144th-trimester abortion on his stupid cracker ass.
CorkPopper: “JEEEEEEEzusss” is the correct Prayer Circle pronunciation, it’s true.
That decent kid, that precocious social activist young rabbi from Nazareth, would be so fucking *embarrassed* by these people. Actually, he was pretty embarrassed by their ilk last time he was here. I delight in remembering that the only people he ever chased with a whip were those folks who conflated spirituality and commerce. The ones who just showed off with plenty of loud public prayer and shrieking and swaying and specially fancy Spiritual Garments, he merely called “generation of vipers” and “whited sepulchres”.
I added this guy to my Facething friends that I knew years ago. First status update - and I’ll quote this verbatum - “XXX is thinking and rejoicing about being known by God through Jesus Christ.”
I don’t think this is gonna work out. My status thingy usually contains foul language that might be considered offensive by guys like that.
It’s worse than you all think. The poor bugger has been rendered into a new product by Crisco. That’s just a typo on the truck; it meant to say “Jesus Christ is Lard”.
iolanthe: Holy shit, I think I’m in love!!
iolanthe: Praise thee for sharing. You are a brave person. I have no snark. Most people like you I imagine would not admit this to anybody. But you did and made me laugh. Thank you.
Jesus Hussein Christ.
Return to sender.
Say, is that the ATF building on that street? Snowman and Bandit prolly got that thing packed full of bootlegged Coors.
Som’bitch.
Is that the “Two Infidels And A Truck” moving company?
Is “Jesus Christ is Lord Not A Swear Word” a failed attempt at rhyming?
It’s bustin’ out all over. Someone put a Star of David on the box of salt in my kitchen, my hotdogs, sauerkraut, even the damned stale noodles. I’m afraid to undress for bed.
Gorillionaire: Years ago, National Lampoon sold peel off stickers picturing a screw, which you could stick over the heart on those irritating bumper stickers, turning “I heart my wife” into “I screw my wife”. Or my personal favorites - “I heart my schnauzer” and “I heart my grandchildren”… Every time I see on heart bumper sticker, I kick myself for not ordering a couple of hundred rolls!
$40 says it’s filled to the brim with ammonium nitrate fertilizer and thousands of little shrapnel Crucifixes.
Naked Bunny with a Whip:
http://www.stainer.co.uk/lotd.html