We last heard of “Iceland” in the fall during those first exciting weeks of the Global Great Depression, when our proudly “interconnected” global economy did what it ultimately was designed to do: self-implode all at once. Since most/all of Iceland’s prosperity in the last decade was derived from a burgeoning financial sector, all of its banks immediately defaulted and were nationalized; the government raised interests rates to 18% or so to secure a do-or-die loan from the evil IMF, leading other European countries to call them losers and de-friend them, and voila: welcome to the THIRD WORLD, Iceland! Hope you remembered to pack a lunch! This was the backdrop for this week’s developments, in which every government official got cancer and resigned, and then the government *itself* resigned, and now they’re just going to let some lesbian run everything.

Everyone in Iceland hated the Prime Minister, this “Geir Haarde,” who led the Independence party, which is like Iceland’s version of the Republican party that ruined everything. (By European standards, this would make them slightly to the right of, say, Paul Krugman). Icelanders lost all of their money in the fall and have been throwing eggs at his limousine ever since. No one ever said these people were kind.

Fortunately for Haarde, Jesus gave him an excuse to finally quit last week: throat cancer. Hooray! On Friday he announced that he would resign because of this godsend terrible cancer, and new elections would be held in May.

Haarde’s Independence party is in an alliance with Iceland’s second largest party, the Social Democrats, so hey, maybe for these next few months their leader — who’s also the Foreign Minister — could pick up the some of the workload, until the elections? Oh, nevermind, because she also has cancer. Small world!

So the Prime Minister has cancer… Foreign Minister has cancer… well maybe they have some Domestic or Economic Minister to run things for a few months? Ahhhh, here we go: a Commerce Minister! He can be pretend leader for a little while!

Or… he could just pussy out.

REYKJAVIK, Iceland (AP) – Iceland’s commerce minister quit Sunday citing the pressures of the nation’s economic collapse, as the country’s political leaders failed to agree on how to lead country out of its financial crisis.

Crap crap crap! OK, OK, uhh… really scraping the bottom of the barrel here but… maybe this commerce pussy had a deputy, or a second-in-command, or some other mid-level government executive??

… [He] also fired the head of the Iceland’s financial supervisory authority.

Screw it. Time for the Hobo Jungle!

The “President” of Iceland accepted this hilarious declaration of failure and let the Social Democrats lead the effort to create a new government with the help of a group of angry hippies called the “Left-Greens.”

Obviously, the gays will now run everything.

Foreign Minister and chairwoman of the Social Democrats Ingibjörg Sólrún Gísladóttir proposed that Sigurdardóttir replace Geir H. Haarde, chairman of the Independence Party, as prime minister yesterday, Fréttabladid reports.

Sigurdardóttir said the idea had only been discussed with her yesterday morning.

If Sigurdardóttir does become prime minister, she will be the first woman to serve as prime minister in the country’s history and also the first openly gay prime minister in the world.

And all it took for the gays to reach this special moment in history was for literally every straight person in Iceland to turn down the job.

Iceland’s center-left party to lead new government [AP]

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  1. UK is only minutes behind Iceland in declaring bankruptcy. But do they have enough lesbians to run a Depression government?

    Well, maybe, if they count Irish folksingers. But is it really that desperate?

  2. ok from now on, nobody should be allowed to say the words “prosperity” and “financial sector” in the same sentence. kinda like “nest” and “egg.”

  3. Who the Icelanders really want the head of the asshole who was their PM who initiated this mess, their Greenspan if you will, and is currently their Top Banker.

  4. Twenty years after the death of Communism, laissez-faire capitalism has finally stumbled upon a way to turn a pristine corner of the world into a dismal slum. This is what you can do when you really believe in an idea.

  5. from my extensive knowledge of foreign affairs (having once nearly finished a game of “Risk”) I know that Iceland, like Middle East and historic Kamchatka, is at the center of it all.

    situated at the crossroads of the North Atlantic, it’s necessary to any plans for world domination.

    so how could this have happened? either too few vied for this strategic linchpin. or too many.

  6. Oh well for banking and finance in Iceland. And what did they base their economy on before that? Fishing. I see. Well, enjoy your hobo beans in fish soup with a side of fish paste, Iceland!

  7. [re=230254]NebraskashireGentry[/re]: “and historic Kamchatka,” which Sarah Palin can see from her house. She’s keeping an eye on it so we can focus on the Iceland etc. Also.

  8. [re=230254]NebraskashireGentry[/re]: Well, if things keep going badly, Icelanders can just walk along those dotted lines to get to Great Britain, Scandinavia, or Greenland…

  9. [re=230255]Neon Trotsky[/re]: Which they would be totally fine with, except that the cod fishery has collapsed. So for the next four years or so it’s lichen soup with a side of famine.

  10. They can start a prison business for the terrorists. Try swimming your way out of Iceland Elian Gonzales! Not willing to talk, Abdul? How ’bout a little iceboarding?

  11. [re=230256]Aurelio[/re]: such a critical loss to Blue means Red (who until now held only Greenland, Scandinavia, Siam and Egypt) has an opportunity to secure some contiguous territories and gain a bit of momentum.

    yes, it’s terrible for the inhabitants of Iceland. they must learn to live under the rule of their new, conveniently color-coded, overlords. but this is a game of world domination; local populations aren’t really a consideration.

  12. [re=230269]elcapitan[/re]: with so many battalions stationed in Eastern United States and Ontario to replenish Quebec’s ranks after each unlucky roll of the dice, it was only a matter of time…

  13. Also: Iceland has about 300,000 people, or about as many people, and lesbians, as Minneapolis. Except Iceland has better weather, and hot springs, and stout ponies. And people who will have to return to eating fish and living in sod houses. Anyway, if Minneapolis were about to go broke, would it get this much coverage? St. Paul, on the other hand….

  14. When Bjork was with The Sugarcubes they put on some fantastic and outlandish sadomasochistic fetish shows. They were very ahead of their time. The only thing shocking about what I just learned from Jim is that Bjork was not made queen of Iceland for life. Maybe there was too much jealousy from Sigur Ros. If I had known there was an opening I would have applied to be their scapegoat, as long as they kept quiet about the guhyay uffstay.

  15. Who names their country Iceland anyway? Hopefully after the struggle for power is over, they will come up with a more creative name. May I suggest FrozenWaterLand?

  16. What about the possibility of family-themed luge parks? For the tourism. Or the feeding of former finance ministers to polar bears at every local soccer stadium, daily?

  17. Woe unto Iceland! This is EXACTLY what happens when a sinful nation turns its back on Traditional Religion and Family Values – turns its back on Odin and the Gods who created and sustained them… REPENT! REPENT YE GENERATION OF MONOTHEISTS!! RAGNARÖK IS NIGH!…

  18. Iceland is suffering! Let’s divert more funding from Alaska. They can see Russia. They are too close.

    [re=230276]2druk2phluq[/re]: Also. I like Bjork, also.

  19. [re=230289]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Not once it gets names “Bjorkistan”, the capital of which will be “Bjorkville”. As the only person vaguely related to Bjorkistan with a pronounceable name, Matthew Barney will be named King for Eternity.

  20. The real Icelandic stabilization plan consists of Bjork slamming bankers’ heads against the pavement. And then feeding them to her swan dress. All of this plus the works of Goldie and Tricky playing at a soulbreaking volume.

  21. [re=230298]jarais[/re]: Goldie is just fine, other than his desire to destroy Iceland. He was held as an informant, until Ron Paul disclosed the truth.

  22. Magnús Örn Scheving (aka Sportacus 10) for Iceland’s PM…national salvation through sports candy and compulsory activity!

    Vinna frjáls!

  23. This is very clever of the Vikings. Now all the gays will travel to Iceland for a long weekend and pump their hard currency into the economy. Icelandic circuit party to commence soon.

  24. Laugh all you want, but just wait until the day that a horde of Icelanders come down from the North and take over the East Coast.

    You will come to cry out for the return of Dick Cheney to protect you, but you will only get his cold laugh from his mountain redoubt in the West.

  25. The scary thing is that Sarah Palin is right now thinking that she didn’t know the field outside her kitchen window was a country, and that she should have mentioned that she can see it much better than she can see Russia.

  26. [re=230326]jaba the slut[/re]: Umm. I thought the only one was Bjork. And they exported her?

    (And I should add that, like others, I also like Bjork, also. Her Volta stop at Red Rocks totally rocked my sox off and whatnot.)

  27. [re=230328]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I have faith that the great province of Newfoundland will protect us, simply because they have nothing else to do these days. Just not worried.

  28. [re=230299]jarais[/re]: You’ve hit the nail on the head. Put those 300,000 to work as extras in Matthew Barney’s next 12-hour long video.

  29. These Icelandic Hobos are still too frivolous. Throwing eggs? That’s more expensive than Hobo beans.

    Can someone tell me when they kill all the chickens for food, then I can show up with a stack of crisp $1 bills and get laid and eat caviar for a month, like Russia in the early 90s?

  30. This is the perfect opportunity for all of the Real Americans to leave America and set up a new idealistic world forged on their own ideals. Rush/Rove – why don’t you get right on this – how hard could it be to overthrow a lesbian government? I’m sure you guys still have the connections to arrange to have what’s left of the government flown off to a secret Romanian waterboarding prison.

  31. Isn’t ‘Left-Green Party’ somewhat redundant? Or is there a ‘Middle-Green Party’ and this is a radical offshoot? Do they hold party conventions in a yurt, or something?

  32. We in Australia have launched a pre-emptive strike. We have a lesbian Chinese minister for climate change. Her name is Penny Wong and she’s very popular with the folks. If anything should happen to our glorious leader Tintin, she’s ready to take up the reins and reign.
    You Septics should try something like this. Is nice.
    Maybe the Canadians can lend you a lesbian Inuit to standby in case hopey is kidnapped by aliens or burned at the stake by crazed pumas.

  33. Bjork should just buy Iceland and declare herself queen; since she’s the only one left with any money, she should be able to get a good price for it.

  34. This financial crisis isn’t that big of a deal. All they need to do is start a PR campaign to popularize the Iceladic delicacy Hákarl (fermented rotten shark meat). Once fat Americans start scarfing up huge amounts of the rotted ammonia-reeking fish at their Superbowl parties Iceland will once again be the rich, powerful nation it was always meant to be.

    Hákarl Hot Pocket, anyone? Yummo!

  35. Ok, the stench of Icelandic desperation has made it so that I feel kinda of petty complaining about Rick “donkey-dick lips” Warren or whatever. It could be worse, y’all. I’l be listening to Medulla in solidarity with my brothers and sisters of Icelandia.

  36. …well I wish Iceland good luck on their new “Butt-Sex” based economy! And I would like to suggest they rename their currency the “fister”.

  37. Given that there are only about 200 times as many Icelanders as there are people living in my BUILDING, if my husband and I visit them this summer, we’ll probably keep their whole economy afloat with our dollars. That is, if there is still an Iceland, an Icelandic economy, and dollars.

  38. Her stimulus plan will include big dollars for golf, auto repair, and folk singing. And a long term investment to promote the world’s first fashionable clothing line for lesbians.

  39. Here’s what I learned about Iceland from my son’s 2nd grade report.

    The country was named “Iceland” to make it seem nasty and cold and discourage other folks from moving there. The country is really quite beautiful. Greenland, on the other hand, actually IS nasty and cold…so haha all you people who booked a trip to Greenland based on its name. The Vikings fooled you.

  40. [re=230370]hockeymom[/re]: My wife lived there as a kid. Here’s what I learned:

    1. Everybody is always drunk
    2. Everybody drives a Range Rover
    3. Women sunbathe in their skivvies in public parks
    4. Public baths everywhere

  41. [re=230340]Bruno[/re]: Here’s the plan: all Paultards will immediately relocate to Iceland, lead a rEVOLution and create an island uotpia called Paulistan. Of course, Dr. Paul will be installed as benevolent dictator and Emperor for Life.

  42. There was once a suggestion that – as the population of Iceland is relatively small – they could just move to mainland (either Europe or America) and rent their former home island for tourists and religious sects as Hell on Earth.

  43. Lets see:
    Remote volcanic island…check.
    No government…check.
    Hordes of eerily-similar-looking unemployed minions desperate for leadership…check.
    Strategic location within missile range of major world capitals…check.

    I think we’re looking at a Bond villain in the very near future.

    Maybe me!

    Probably Cheney.

  44. Ingibjörg Sólrún Gísladóttir

    That’s not a name two people outside of Iceland are likely to have.

    Bless their hearts, the Icelanders are going back to eating nothing but cod. Wait, the cod population has sort of kind of failed. I guess they’re stuck with that shark meat that they bury on the beach for a few months to break down the toxins in it and make it semi-edible. That, or as a previous commenter suggested, they will have to go back to pillaging. The monastaries of Ireland and Scotland are currently boarding up their doors and windows and putting out “Go away, you stole everything centuries ago!” signs.

  45. [re=230275]DangerousLiberal[/re]:
    Do you think they would like our Governor Timmy Pawlenty? After all, we’re only 5 billion in the hole.

  46. I recommend that we build a chain of stone towers all along the U.S. coastline. Clearly, the Icelanders have no recourse but to resume pirate raids in their dragon ships again.

  47. The gays are VERY good for a neighborhood. I’d start buying in Iceland NOW. That’s because of gentrification. And, because your money will not buy anything in several months.

  48. Get the PUMAs. Sexist naming conventions. All the ladies last names end in “dottir” which means, all the last names are daughter of (dad’s name). I think that’s why most of them go by their middle names as last, or else the phone book is filled with the same couple of last names…

  49. I used to visit Iceland a lot before I got to be too poor (although now, perhaps, I can buy it). They have several things going for them that the US cannot hope to match – everyone (except Bjork) there is tall, blond, ludicrously attractive and literate. Who needs an economy when everyone is hot and can read?

  50. [re=230414]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Now that I know the Dutch word for “hobo,” my education is complete. Dankuwel. NB: Google translate returns this as “The beans of the stray” which is going to be the name of my band, or perhaps Bjork’s new concert tour.

  51. [re=230480]saradc[/re]: Not necessarily. The daughter’s last name is based on the father’s FIRST name, so if my name was Fred Siggurson, my daughter’s name would be something like Sigrid Fredsdottir.

    So long as the supply of first names is changing, there are not that many crossovers.

    You’ll also note the son’s name in this example ends in “son”. Yup. Same naming convention for the male child too. My son’s name would be something like Roger Fredsson.

  52. [re=230480]saradc[/re]: Actually, there is something of a trend to use the mother’s name lately – so Gudrid’s kids might be Snorri Gudrisson and Bjork Gudrisdottir – everyone goes by their first name in the phone book there simply because few people have real surnames.

  53. “This was the backdrop for this week’s developments, in which every government official got cancer and resigned, and then the government *itself* resigned, and now they’re just going to let some lesbian run everything.”

    Hot lesbian government action. Sweet!

  54. [re=230247]Serolf Divad[/re]: does this mean Iceland has now joined Somalia as a “failed state” and all the people there will get jobs in the growing “piracy” sector? These folks are descended from the Vikings so they may have some experience. This could make transatlantic crossings very exciting. assuming there is enough money left in the world to send a ship across the Atlantic.

  55. At this point, there is no alternative for Iceland but to declare war on the U.S.A. for starting this whole economic melt-down. Then the monies will start flowing into Iceland and Haliburton will rebuild the entire country.

    The Mouse that roared.

  56. They have dansk-style modern houses and furiture. Also hot public baths. If they were to make their own vodka and energy drinks, they could become the world capitol of teh gayz. Problem solved.

  57. “and then the government *itself* resigned, and now they’re just going to let some lesbian run everything”

    Huh. That’s actually sort of the story of my life. If by “the government” you mean “my will to live” and by “lesbian” you mean “lesbian”.

  58. Actually, Iceland should sell itself to Ikea, for $12.01. Its citizen-slaves will make “Cheap Attractive Lousy Furniture That You Can’t Put Together”(tm). With names like “Sigurdardóttir” the slaves all sound like Ikea brands anyway.

  59. Ingibjörg Sólrún Gísladóttir … Fréttabladid …

    Iceland’s problems surely must stem from the fact that they employ too many diacritical marks on their letters…

  60. The Independence Party has won every election for like 50 years. Now they’re running in third place in the polls behind the Social Democrats and Green Left Alliance (an alliance of the Green Party and the former Communist Party). The Green Leftest are right behind the Social Democrats too. They probably won’t win but it’s not totally unpossible.

  61. “Icelanders lost all of their money in the fall and have been throwing eggs at his limousine ever since. No one ever said these people were kind.”

    I believe anyone who has ever watched the very informative D2: The Mighty Ducks would know that Icelandic people are not good (except for the children – the children will morally triumph over Wolf Stansson aka “society” in the end).

  62. Cluck a Duck they just gave up. They are an example to us all. Let the nations of the world slide into the PIT. Strike a blow against the scoundrel cowering behind patriotism. Do nothing.

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