Usually as we’re going through our “All New Items” tab on Google Reader and come to a batch of HuffPo articles, we scroll down as fast as possible for about 10 seconds while closing our eyes and clutching our loved ones, hoping that afterwards we may have finally broken through the hurling asteroid cluster of things like, “Alec Baldwin: UN Trade Envoy Could Talk Up Long-Term Interest Rates” or “Arianna Huffington: This Is Actually Another Publication’s Article That We’ve Copied Wholesale Onto Our Website So As To Get Top Google News Placement.” But today we came across this one called “Terrance Heath: America’s Mountaintop Moment,” and we’ve been trying to scroll through it for seven hours with no end in sight! It is about HMM GUESS WHO, and it’s generative enough for a fun game!

Here’s the initial conceit: black person Barack Obama was made President of America last week.

And then it’s ALL TERRANCE HEATH, baby:

It is an America where, at a school for the deaf, a black student was held against his will as “KKK” and swastikas were drawn on him with magic markers.

It is an America where four teenagers beat and attempted to drown a black college student, after calling him “nigger” earlier.

It is an America where a Latino teenage boy was beaten and tortured for five hours by four white teen boys. He was knocked unconscious, dragged outside, stripped, kicked with steel-toed boots, burned with cigarettes, and brutally sodomized with a plastic patio umbrella pole that was kicked several inches into his rectum, and a swastika was carved into his chest — after the sister of one of the boys said the Latino boy had tried to kiss her.

It is an America where many suffered anti-gay violence in 2008.

It is an America where Ecuadorian immigrant Jose Sucuzhanay was beaten with a bottle and a baseball bat by four men yelling anti-gay and anti-hispanic slurs, while on his way home from a bar and walking arm in arm with his brother.

It is an America where Lawrence King, a gay teenager who sometimes feminine attire and identified as “Leticia” was shot to death by a classmate.

It is an America where a lesbian in California was brutally gang-raped by four men, who saw her getting out of her car, which had a rainbow sticker on the bumper, and who later commented about the victim’s sexual orientation.

There are a full 700 million trillion of these little anecdotes, each of them linked out like the dickens (as though readers wouldn’t know how to use Google News for themselves, which, again, is how they all got there in the first place! This Terrance Heath article itself is probably from Gizmodo or something), and each of them creating a wacky juxtaposition with the initial conceit! They don’t teach hot-shit writing like this in school, everyone.

Now we all can play! Ahem:

It is an America where this guy, whatsisname, Bob, killed a black person in Mississippi because the black person was an electrical engineer and he built a robot version of this same Bob, with artificial intelligence, and nobody could tell which was the real Bob, because the programming was so good, right?, and then one day Bob’s wife went into the bathroom of their house to take a piss and Bob was in there — he had forgotten to lock the door, whoops — reprogramming his robot face with the latest “real Bob” memory codecs and lasers, and Bob’s wife was like “Hey now where’s my husband you damn robot??” and robot Bob said back “It has been me all along, mortal, now cook me Robot Eggs,” and Bob’s wife had no idea how long she’d been with the robot instead of her husband, or if they were both robots, it was very postmodern, a copy without an original, and then the other Bob showed up and challenged the robot to a duel, but during the duel it was impossible to tell which Bob was which, but one of them definitely killed the other, and then he went to the black electrical engineer’s place and killed him too for causing all of this tomfoolery. The national news eventually picked up this story and called it “The Jena Six.”

Terrance Heath: America’s Mountaintop Moment [HuffPo]

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  1. It is a country where not so long ago black men were forced to push white boys who tricked people into doing his fence painting work up large rivers on handmade wooden rafts.

  2. It is an America where after consuming 8 beers I needed to take a leak, but they wanted to take money from me before I went to the toilet, so I pee’d in the street and probably hit someone’s BMW.

    Oh, sorry, that was Berlin, not America

  3. When Newell gets booze in his mouth and a keyboard at his fingertips he manifests foul, unearthly wizardry to create works of blood-drenched awesome.

  4. He could have just said that this is America, where stupid ignorant people still do stupid ignorant things, especially to people who don’t look like them. If you actually made it thru that article, Newell, my hat’s off to you.

  5. It is a desk with a computer on it.
    It is a desk with a water bottle on it
    It is a desk with a phone on it
    It is a desk with a with a calculator on it.
    It is a desk with a folder on it.
    It is a desk with a box of kleenex on it
    It is a desk with a a pack of cigarettes on it
    It is a desk with a speaker on it.
    It is a desk with a stapler on it.
    It is a desk with a DVD on it.
    It is a desk with a post-it note on it.
    It is a desk with a copy of the California Code of Civil Procedure on it.
    It is a desk with a staple remover on.
    It is a desk with a paper clip on it.
    It is a desk with a rubber band on it.
    It is a desk with a Dictaphone on it.

    That’s not change we can believe in.

  6. [re=229916]Special Agent Jack Mehoff[/re]: And then everyone wanted to ban the book, the end.

    Although I think you mixed up Tom and Huck, there. But I wouldn’t know. I have never really read it. Because it is banned.

  7. [re=229916]Special Agent Jack Mehoff[/re]: Tom Sawyer tricked the kids into painting his fence. Jim rafted up the Mississippi with Huck Finn.

    Lrn2Mark Twain.

  8. Content aggregation does not equal journalism. Unless it’s filled with snark and libtard cultural touchstones.

    Of course, just like most people here, *I’m* filled with snark and libtard cultural touchstones.

    Because we need more schooling… for more students… for Morescience High School! Also.

  9. [re=229926]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Oooh. Oooh.

    I wanna play.

    It is a desk with a computer on it.
    It is a desk with a copy of the LA Times on it.
    It is a desk with a broken tape dispenser on it.
    It is a desk with a cup of herbal tea on it.
    It is a desk with my head banging on it repeatedly.

  10. [re=229929]tunamelt[/re]: Political drinking games were ruined for me after what will come to be known as the Great “Maverick” Debate Debacle of ’08

  11. It is an America where I can go to any Craigslist posting I want and, just for the hell of it, flag for inappropriateness just because, &c.

    It is an America where I can hoard deadly munitions thereby threatening my life as well as those all around me and call it “a rite to bare something army.”

    It is an America where a man can get insurance to cover his floppy dick but a woman can’t get coverage to prevent babies.

    It is an America where a black man can kill a black man and nobody cares but if a brown guy kills anyone, people notice and then they build memorials and turn it into campaign slogans and start profiling from police cars and following them around in libraries and forcing them to take the train and spelling their names like light, breezy cloth.

  12. [re=229926]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: It will be a cardboard box with a half-eaten can of beans on it.

    There should be a new Debbie Downer where she just reads the finance section during public gatherings.

  13. It is an American where when the news gets pretentious I can go to Youtube and watch old episodes of MST3K and feel the world really is alright.

  14. It is an America where a Republican hostess and fund-raiser can see which way the wind is blowing and say,”Oops! I’m a librul now!” and get friends to write for free.

  15. It is an America where John Wesley Hardin shot a man just for snorin’ too loud.

    A black man.

    I am saddened. But at least the Texas Rangers caught up with him. They probably offered him a multi-year contract to play shortstop.

  16. It’s an America where hugely endowed black men kill innocent girls with their enormous appurtenances for sport, and then become elected the 44th President of the United States.

  17. It is an American where many public bathroom stalls don’t have doors that really close because the male and female parts of the door lock don’t line up.
    Think about this, people. We sent people to the moon almost 40 years ago but we can’t get bathroom stall door locks installed properly.

  18. It is an America where I can be gainfully unemployed for nine years now while my wife slaves away 70 hours a week because I’m just that sexy.

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