Also it will not eat children anymoreDick Cheney, merchant of Doom, moved into the Naval Observatory eight years ago and made it disappear, magically, from Google Earth. A vague hologram of the mansion lingered aboveground while the actual dwelling burrowed 666 fathoms below the earth’s crust, coming at last to rest in a den of snakes. All you could see in aerial photos on Google Earth was a bunch of squares and nothingness in the midst of a normal neighborhood of houses and trees.

But now the Naval Observatory has returned to earthling maps, thanks to the installation of a living human presence (Jill Biden) in the house, huzzah!

Google says this has nothing to do with who’s in office, but rather periodic updates to their image database. What sorts of vicious threats and hexes did Cheney heap upon Google spokespeople to make them say such silly things?

Cheney’s Veil Lifted on Vice President’s Residence

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  1. It was just difficult to photograph from high in the atmosphere. Penetrating that cloak of malignant, festering evil is worse than taking pictures of your friends through a lead barrier.

  2. Only Walter Wick could capture the unholy terror that is the lair of He Who Shall Not Be Named.
    Or Salvador Dali, what with all the flaccid clocks hanging from the trees.

    He-he, I said flaccid clocks. Also.

  3. When mysterious doors start appearing out of nowhere, leading into horrific hellscapes that defy the physical layout of the house, Google’s gonna wish they kept that place hidden. You wait…

  4. You think Cheney bothers trying to co-opt those pony-tailed hippie freaks at Google? He knows if sets foot in the lobby og Google HQ he’ll be captured forever in the pentagram hidden in those clever rings inlaid in the floor! He got his natural constituency to do it, the NRO.

  5. Since the Bidens have dogs, you figure Cheney’s Soulsucker Minions had to have spent a lot of time prior to the Biden move-in removing the corpses buried around the grounds. Dogs will always dig those things up, and it would have been awkward for Cheney to try to cover it up (MORE people ti kill, sheesh) when a dog showed up on the front porch with a rotting limb.

  6. 666 fathoms is only 0.756818 miles from the earth’s surface. That’s not deep enough to get to the earth’s molten center. Something is wrong with this picture.

  7. Little spoken fact about the Naval Observatory- it is close to a Whole Foods and Good Guys strip club. So if Biden is in the mood for an organic smoothie followed by a rub and tug (I’m sure he has pre-approved access to the Champagne Room) , he just has to put on his walking shoes.

  8. I visited my boyfriend at some summer Harvard Classics nonsense in DC (quite lame, I know), and the building was right next to ol’ HRC’s house and Cheney’s death layar. To get to the bus stop we had to pass through the woods adjacent to Cheney’s house. I’m no longer visible in photographs.

  9. All you could see in aerial photos on Google Earth was a bunch of squares and nothingness in the midst of a normal neighborhood of houses and trees.

    Bloody hell, I thought this was because the house kept wandering in and out of a wormhole to hell.

  10. Who ya gonna call? Obama needs to bestow the Freedom Medal on Ray, Venkman and Egon for successfully driving Staypuft from his evil lair and sending Gozer back to Texas and restoring peace on earth. also.

  11. Built in 1893 on a hilltop in northwest Washington, the Naval Observatory has been the official home to vice presidents since 1977, when Walter F. Mondale was in office.

    The observatory still operates, providing astronomical data and the official time for the Defense Department.

    So the VP lives with a bunch of DD spooks? This whole thing just keeps getting creepier. Witch Mountain, DC.

  12. [re=229318]JadedDIssonance[/re]: You didn’t know that? It’s not DD spooks–the VP lives in a house with THE PURE ESSENCE OF TIME.

    Someone tell Sarah Palin; maybe next time someone asks her what the VP does she’ll say he’s in charge of time or some shit.

  13. [re=229289]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Visiting family, no doubt, and plotting his return: when the world has passed into the next age, and he has become nothing more than legend and bedtime tale used to frighten children, he’ll suddenly reappear, his army of mutant W. clones and cyborg helldogs marching across the land, laying all to waste with their plasma rifles and unresolved father issues.

    No, really. I read it in Mother Jones.

  14. Not only that but you can now see Cheney’s shit stains all over the backyard. Along with partially buried human remains. But Biden is probably responsible for those.

  15. There was mysterious blasting under the observatory a few years back, but nobody would say what “remodeling” was being done. Sure would be cool if Jill Biden gave us a Jackie Kennedy style tour of the new “digs”. (har har)

  16. I remember that two days before the 2000 “election,” Lord Azothoth* was spotted at the downtown Austin Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, chowing down on an aged $90 18 oz. Porterhouse, washed down with cocktails made from Halliburton drilling mud, cordite and John Yoo’s drool. One day later, he had the coronary and had his Lockheed-Martin Marietta pacemaker installed.

    Just think how many lives would have been saved had he ordered the goddamned 26 oz!

    * In H.P. Lovecraft’s The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath, The Dark Lord Azothoth was described as “the blind idiot God who bubbles and blasphemes at the center of chaos.”

    How fucking prescient.

  17. [re=229356]El Pinche[/re]: if you are gonna paraphrase Saint Bill, ya gotta do it right:

    “Anyway, you know that when Jesse Helms finally dies, first of all, he’s going to commit suicide in a metal tub out back beneath the pecan tree. He’s going to slash his wrists and write in blood, “I’ve been a bad boy.” But you know they’re going to find the skins of young children drying in his attic…swarms of horseflies going in and out of the eves, and on CNN over and over his wife goin, “I always wondered about Jesse’s collection of little shoes.”

    -From Rant in E Minor

  18. WTF. This is nonsense. There are no pixels in hell. Everything is one continuous monochrome of morbidity. I know. I have lived in hell for the last 8 years.

  19. …while we are on the Bill Hicks tip and with his most despised target – the porcine, now-irrelevant junkie Rush Limbaugh – back in the news again, now would be very appropriate to dust off what is perhaps the most utterly nasty (and hysterically funny) rant Bill ever did – the infamous Rush Limbaugh/Reagan/Barbara Bush riff from Rant In E Minor.

    A mere transcription of this piece doesn’t convey the reaction of his adoring hometown audience when it was recorded live at The Laff Stop in Austin. The first mention of Rush brings jeers and laughter. But as Bill rapidly out-grosses each stream-of-consciousness, filthy mental picture with one twice as nauseating, the crowd reaches a shrieking paroxysm of hysterical laughter, palpable disgust and disbelief at the sheer weight of Hick’s contempt and hatred. It was, as he was fond of saying, “a hoot.”

    “…speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. Doesn’t Rush Limbaugh remind you of one of those gay guys who likes to lay in a tub while other men pee on him? Am I the only one? Can’t you see his fat body in a tub while Reagan, Quayle and Bush just stand around pissing on him? His little piggly wiggly dick can’t get hard, ‘Uhh… uhh…I can’t get hard. Reagan, pee in my mouth!’ He still can’t get hard, so Barbara Bush comes in. She takes off her pearls, and undoes her girdle. Her wrinkled, flaccid labia unfurls half way to her knees, like some ball-less scrotum. Barbara walks over, squats over his face, and squeezes out a link into his mouth. Finally, his tiny dick gets half-way hard. ‘Oooh!’ A little bubble forms on the end of his dick, with a little demon maggot inside. The demon maggot pops the bubble, and goes off to join a pro-life group somewhere…”

    Oh thatThe Wonkettes should ever attain such lofty heights of sickness, wrongness and sterling snarkiness.

  20. Thank you Google for protecting us with your pixels. Who wanted to see whatever effed up lemon party shit he had going on down there anways? His daughter caught a glimpse, AND IT TURNED HER GAY.

  21. [re=229317]mylesfromnowhere[/re]: I’m thinking they don’t need the Ghostbusters for this, but more like that lady from Poltergeist who can go in and cleanse the house from evil spirits.

  22. Actually, with clear images, Biden can finally get [the best] directions out of the compound so he hang out at JP’s.

    Whew! And he thought it was going to be boring living up in the G.P.!

  23. What sorts of vicious threats and hexes did Cheney heap upon Google spokespeople to make them say such silly things?

    No hexes or threats. Let’s just say the tendrils of the Dark Lord run deep.

  24. So, we know where the abominable stench is located, and why, but where is the pie shop that the tunnels connect to? I figure there may be a few “VP specials” still on the shelves, and I’ve always been curious about how long pig tastes.

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