FILM AND STAGE  4:58 pm January 23, 2009

Banned in Tehran and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

by Malaka Gharib

Mr. Grumpy McGrumpsterSay “hi” to our fancy new intern, Malaka Gharib. She writes a crazy restaurant thing for the D.C. Examiner, and also does production at Al Jazeera in Washington, and has this crazy food blog too. And she will be writing about all of those types of things, and also music and movies and etc. Hooray!

  • Friday, Jan. 23: What happens when Iranians use the internet? Nothing much, cuz they’re censored out of everything. Find out why at the screening of documentary Head Wind at the Freer Gallery, 7PM. And of course, the film is banned in Tehran. [Eventful]
  • Friday, Jan. 23-Sunday, Jan. 25: The Jameson Comedy Tour is in town, featuring Danny Bevins, Michael Loftus, Pete Correale and Billy Gardell. You may have never heard of them, but Correale has a comedy show on Sirius Radio that’s rated second to Howard Stern, who owns Sirius Radio. At the DC Improv Comedy Club, show times vary. [DC Improv Comedy Club]
  • Sunday, Jan. 25: Freak yourself out by attending the premiere of The Warning, a documentary about how Bush screwed up real bad and now it’s Obama’s problem. 8PM at Busboys and Poets. [Busboys and Poets]
  • Thursday, Jan. 29: Irving Berlin’s I Love a Piano opens Thursday at 7:30 PM at the Lincoln Theatre. If you were really into “Mary Poppins” and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” as a kid, you might like this, but watch this video montage first so you know what you’re getting yourself into. [Lincoln Theatre]
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Hola wonkerados.

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PeteJayhawk v2.0 January 23, 2009 at 5:02 pm

And Malaka Gharib to you, too.

shortsshortsshorts January 23, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Where did Malaka come from? What does he/she/it/Ken Layne want from us?

tunamelt January 23, 2009 at 5:04 pm

Who is Malaka Gharib?

masterdebater January 23, 2009 at 5:05 pm

They will never be free until we give them internet cafes with really expensive coffee! Don’t worry. I think this is on Obama’s “things to do in my first 100 days” list.

shortsshortsshorts January 23, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Welcome Malaka. LEAD US.

AngryBlakGuy January 23, 2009 at 5:07 pm

…wait a second, I thought Ronald Reagan killed all the Iranian with his bare hands and used their skin to make his personal condoms! Who will the Republicans worship now?!?!

tunamelt January 23, 2009 at 5:08 pm

Oh. Writes for Examiner. Okay.

I was hoping for something more scandalous and sexy, and less here is $2.50 per 1,000 page views, but okay.

AngryBlakGuy January 23, 2009 at 5:08 pm

[re=227396]tunamelt[/re]: [re=227393]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: …Malaka Gharib is Malia Obama’s Mooslim name!

tunamelt January 23, 2009 at 5:09 pm

[re=227399]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: So is she replacing Juli(e)?

InsidiousTuna January 23, 2009 at 5:11 pm

When I hit someone else’s car in Grand Theft Auto, they call me a “Malaka”. This isn;t the same thing, is it?

Roger Williams hates your ways January 23, 2009 at 5:13 pm


Ken Layne January 23, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Nobody is replacing Juli! Malaka is an *addition* to the Wonkette staff box, not a replacement.

TGY January 23, 2009 at 5:14 pm


Tra January 23, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Hiya. I like food, too. Welcome!

(You’re wrong about Papa Beard though. Those cream puffs rocked, at least at the location where I ate ‘em.)

tunamelt January 23, 2009 at 5:18 pm

[re=227415]Ken Layne[/re]: Despite our protests to the contrary, apparently we all fear the fuck out of CHANGE!

The Real JR Revisted January 23, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Wait- wait… what is this? Change?

Ok, three days in and Obama is really overstepping. Now he’s meddling in Wonkette?

bitchincamaro January 23, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Suddenly, I have an *addition* in my staff box. Also.

Oh, yeah. Pix, please.

OffTheRecord January 23, 2009 at 5:21 pm

I’m very interested to hear your fancy hobo bean recipes.

sevenrepeat January 23, 2009 at 5:21 pm

i don’t think it would be banned if they let yo yo ma write the score and kanye west gets to sing all of the songs.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl January 23, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=227422]kinky-neo-con[/re]: You know we can verify such claims nowadays

SayItWithWookies January 23, 2009 at 5:22 pm

I don’t know if I want to see The Warning now or just wait until the whole George W. Bush Fuckuppery Film Festival goes on tour and I can watch all 3,000 hours of documentaries about what an awful, hellish parade of incompetence, greed and toxic sludge the last eight years have been. Or I could just chisel out the part of my brain that — you know — remembers stuff.

Oh, and welcome to Wonkette, Malaka!

facehead January 23, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Idk about this one. I went to her blog, did a search for “anal” and got zero hits.


BillyClubb January 23, 2009 at 5:26 pm

[re=227415]Ken Layne[/re]: What the fug?! You’re hiring at Wonkette? That is so un-American.

facehead January 23, 2009 at 5:27 pm

[re=227435]Rodney Badger[/re]: With a name like “Malaka Gharib” she’ll be our next president.

chascates January 23, 2009 at 5:28 pm

Welcome Malaka! The Christmas Eve dinner looks fantastic! I’m hoping you drink alcohol, so as to fit in here?

WagTehGod January 23, 2009 at 5:30 pm

I fear we are headed toward an international incident. And by “fear” I mean “hope.” That’s all the rage now anyway, right?

JeffGoldblum January 23, 2009 at 5:33 pm

So am I to understand that I didn’t get tapped for the Head Writer In Charge of Gittin’ Er Done job? This is bullshit piled upon more bullshit and I am LIVID, also.

Min January 23, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Welcome to the Dark Side. We have cookies.

MARCdMan January 23, 2009 at 5:34 pm


Monsieur Grumpe January 23, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Hello Malaka Gharib, if that is your real, we need to chat about your alt texting.

MisterLoki January 23, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Well, the alfredo sauce recipe sounds good, so welcome aboard.

Rodney Badger January 23, 2009 at 5:36 pm

HA HA! I just went to one of Malaka’s 5,000 blogs. The first post was tips on how best to show off your tits. She’ll do just fine. . .

tunamelt January 23, 2009 at 5:36 pm

[re=227451]JeffGoldblum[/re]: It’s not Ken Layne’s fault you are fail encased in pork sausage casing.

Jukesgrrl January 23, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Welcome, Malaka, now give us your hummus recipe or you’re fired.

Delicious January 23, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Wasn’t she one of the Mary Jane Girls?

chascates January 23, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Blago just said that ‘they’ want to impeach him so they can raise taxes! BASTARDS! Plus if he knew people were listening when he was trying to sell that senate seat he wouldn’t have cussed.

This guy is a bulldog.

Monsieur Grumpe January 23, 2009 at 5:40 pm

[re=227456]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:
real name… more beer please.

JeffGoldblum January 23, 2009 at 5:41 pm

[re=227460]tunamelt[/re]: Make me dinner now, plz.

shortsshortsshorts January 23, 2009 at 5:41 pm

[re=227465]Joe the Truck Nutz[/re]: WIN.

lawrenceofthedesert January 23, 2009 at 5:41 pm

Berlin would have hated the cutesy renditions of his excellent songs, except perhaps at the end of his life when he lost all his marbles and fell in love with Nixon. Who but Irving would have thought to end a Western with “There’s No Business Like Show Business”? Remember that he wrote for the Marx Brothers and penned some of the most memorable Fred Astaire songs. Despite the sometimes ham-handed sentiment (“God Bless America”), he was capable of some pretty droll lyrics, and there have been very few successful composers on Broadway and Hollywood who wrote lyrics — Berlin, Coward, Steven’s Schwartz and Sondheim, Cole Porter and Frank Loesser are the others. If “I Love a Piano” stinks — and it looks just brainless on video — it’s not the fault of the composer. Watch “Top Hat” with Fred and Ginger the next time it comes around on TMC and tell me he wasn’t great.

Giant Robot January 23, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Can she explain the difference between the Oscars and the Razzberries because I’m very confused…

pattycake January 23, 2009 at 5:45 pm

Hi Malaka. Don’t listen to these people as they behave like swine. They did the same thing to Sara K. on her first shout out, and now they are her abject slaves, and hang on her every word. They’re really all nice people (except for shorts) and are only like this because it’s Friday and they’re drunk.

Also, thanks for the tips on your blog re: tit enhancing through high fashion. You’re the best, and on my blog reader.

2druk2phluq January 23, 2009 at 5:46 pm

We elect one man President with a patronym that doesn’t appear on Yale’s skull and bones legacy list and now Wonkette has an intern with a name that the D.A.R. will not be able to pronounce. This is clear evidence that there is a liberal plot to complicate everyone’s names before forcing them to marry teh gay way, join unions and herd hapless old white invalids into concentration camps.

Hi, Malaka. I be da druk wun.

hockeymom January 23, 2009 at 5:46 pm

Malaka is a cutie!
And, she writes about fashion as well as food.

I believe we are one step closer to becoming Jezebellette or Wonkettebell.
Either way, more estrogen, so yay.

naveed January 23, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Let us mock the newcomer.

cal January 23, 2009 at 5:54 pm

[re=227415]Ken Layne[/re]: the Wonkette staff box = the Ken Layne harem

We know what’s going on here.

Mahousu January 23, 2009 at 5:56 pm

I’m not quite sure how to take this:

I think she might be toying with us.

blader January 23, 2009 at 5:57 pm

wtf is up with all these cultural plans? It sounds just a bit too damn earnest. How’ bout just getting shitfaced? The thing is, nobody will ever want to get into a nuke fight with someone they bonded with by puking in the alley behind a bar. That’s why we’ve never even thought about nuking Ireland. Puke the Nuke!!!

rocktonsammy January 23, 2009 at 5:59 pm

Whats Wonkette’s next hire?

How about a sports guy?

anabellum January 23, 2009 at 6:00 pm

geeze, what a bunch of rude bastards…i am, of course, so very very nice that i’m not in the least bit funny..

so what ya say Malaka…wanna be my friend?…pretty please?…nobody else here likes me and i’m getting very tired of eating my lunch by myself…

Vewol Mevemont January 23, 2009 at 6:03 pm

I feel like I can’t say that name without jeopardizing my shot at a Virginia senate seat.

Pop Socket January 23, 2009 at 6:03 pm

[re=227483]pattycake[/re]: And she wasn’t expecting a little hazing? She has read the blog before, hasn’t she?

sk1win January 23, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Are these entertainment suggestions for people who need to come down from the happiness of the inauguration? If so, well crafted.

undermedicated January 23, 2009 at 6:04 pm

I think the tit advice for the ladies is certainly what the world needs. But Malaka’s shoelace rules for d00ds have me frightened and confused. Not sure of the distinction between thin and thick or Converse and sneakers, I think I’ll have to stick to my Star Trek boots from here on out. Plus, they go with everything, even my furry costume. Also,

Mahousu January 23, 2009 at 6:04 pm

[re=227501]cal[/re]: So Ken Layne has become one of those Fundamentalist Mormons? That would explain the whole moving-to-a-trailer-in-the-desert thing.

nestor January 23, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Her new job will be ILLEGITIMATE AND ILLEGAL until she produces a birth certificate!

IceCreamEmpress January 23, 2009 at 6:09 pm

Hi, Malaka! Don’t worry, the dorkbots are just doing that little thing they like to call “freaking the mundanes.”

So how many people did you have to kill during the Abu Ghraib scandal for saying to you “Hey, Malaka, are you related to that prison? HA HA HA HA HA” or “Did you notice that that prison is almost like your last name? HA HA HA HA HA”?

You can tell us. No jury in the world would ever convict you. They needed killing.

Lazy Media January 23, 2009 at 6:11 pm

Um, if she’s really Iranian, why doesn’t she refer to herself as Persian, HENGHH?

pattycake January 23, 2009 at 6:12 pm

[re=227514]Pop Socket[/re]: don’t interrupt my ass-kissing. I lose my place.

The Unfairman January 23, 2009 at 6:15 pm

New staff?! Does this mean we have to put up with more Campbell Brown staring at us and pink Wonkettes to “pay” for her “services”?

Damn you capitalizmz!

you cannot be serious January 23, 2009 at 6:15 pm

I wish I could hear Rick Warren pronounce Malaka(!)

Min January 23, 2009 at 6:19 pm

I am so making that vegetable soup recipe.

Mustang January 23, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Malaka! Malaka! Today I had an English muffin, a chicken ceasar Pita Pit, and some birthday cake. I love food. This is so cool. We are bff!

Lascauxcaveman January 23, 2009 at 6:36 pm

[re=227504]Mahousu[/re]: I just assumed it was a humorous pen name even w/o knowing the slang definition of Malalka. Sort of like a Briton who writes detective novels about mental asylums and prisons using the name Chelsea Bedlam or somesuch.

Come here a minute January 23, 2009 at 6:39 pm

What do gay Iranians see on the internet? Ha! Trick question!

sezme January 23, 2009 at 6:43 pm

Oh, Malaka! Being a typical Wonkette commentard, I immediately checked out your Art Portfolio and the accompanying snapshot of Yerself. Anyway, thumbs up to both! Please write about food here in a snarky, political way.

Aurelio January 23, 2009 at 6:48 pm

Welcome, new Wonkette slave-girl, Malaka. I hope you haz funny to tell us.

sezme January 23, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Wait, I just read your blog article about Ethiopian food. Dissing injera? You are dead to me.

Scandalabra January 23, 2009 at 6:51 pm

I had a shitty shitty bang bang that I’d just rather forget about.

CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us January 23, 2009 at 6:57 pm

Malaka Gharib? Isn’t that an Iraqi prison? Are you in trouble, Mr. Layne?

Dreamer January 23, 2009 at 7:01 pm

[re=227393]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Since I have a muslin terrorist heritage – I have an obligation to educate my fellow soon to be hobos at wonkette. So when a name ends with an “a’, i.e Asha, Malaka, Amina, it is always a female.

ZombieRichardFeynman January 23, 2009 at 7:09 pm

Hi Malaka. Looking at your portfolio I fancy I see some Linda Barry and maybe even R. Crumb influences; perhaps a few unknown artists from Filmore/Winterland posters. This “grew up in the 60′s” zombie approves. Keep that Stoner Art coming!

shortsshortsshorts January 23, 2009 at 7:21 pm

[re=227610]Dreamer[/re]: Wait wait they let MUSLINs onto this website?

sk1win January 23, 2009 at 7:27 pm

I’d hit it!

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 23, 2009 at 7:40 pm

Cool, Malaka Gharib is my favorite Obama daughter.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 23, 2009 at 7:42 pm

[re=227415]Ken Layne[/re]: And that is how we are going to get out of this recession, one unpaid internship at a time!

facehead January 23, 2009 at 7:47 pm

[re=227610]Dreamer[/re]: I knew Obama was a chick.

Lascauxcaveman January 23, 2009 at 7:53 pm

[re=227618]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: Yeah, cool. Thanks for pointing that out, I missed it. It reminds me of the the stuff I’ve got doodled in all those old coupon notebooks they handed out in college. ( I mean that in a good way, Malaka. )

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 23, 2009 at 7:56 pm

[re=227590]Aurelio[/re]: I found a picture of our new Wonketter finally on the web:×240.jpg

V572625694 January 23, 2009 at 8:04 pm

[re=227660]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I remember that episode — it was really the pilot before they signed up Shatner, and they spliced him in to stretch it over two hours. That slave girl was hot, in a pudgy, 60′s sort of way.

KittyDiva January 23, 2009 at 8:53 pm

Hi Malaka, this is my time too.
was it good for you?

KittyDiva January 23, 2009 at 8:56 pm

Oops, my first time and a typo. wow, that’s lame.
let me try again

Hi Malak, this is my first time too.
Was it good for you?

President Beeblebrox January 23, 2009 at 9:39 pm

OK, that’s weird. Someone baleeted my /b/-inspired comment. I guess even the Wonkettes has its limits…

gradgrind January 23, 2009 at 9:57 pm

[re=227477]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Are you another of the 10 or 20 Americans who caught Obama’s inauguration tribute to Fred Astaire and Dorothy Fields? You know, “pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off . . . ” Because you write like you should be.

Hi, Malaka!

Hairy Reed January 23, 2009 at 10:17 pm

[re=227423]tunamelt[/re]: I haven’t said anything here for a while, because for some [lame] reason I have had actual work (!) to do, but thank you, tunamelt, because that made my day.

donner_froh January 23, 2009 at 10:31 pm

Malaka Gharib is a recent graduate of Syracuse University. We all remember who also attended Syracuse, although not, I think, a grad.

The original Ms. Buttsecks; The Washingtonienne; Jessica Butler.

Rush January 23, 2009 at 10:42 pm

Allah Akbar Malaka

S.Luggo January 23, 2009 at 10:50 pm

So, le Wonkette has decided to compete with the al-Jezeera Jezebel.
1. The veil: deep indigo or coal black? Readers’ response, with husband‘s permission.
2. Open-toed sandals, what was old is new again.
3. Raw dates, not for the Ramadan anymore.
4. Britney Spears: Western whore or cheap prostitute? Commentary.
5. Secret Sin: I once sat in the driver’s seat of a car in Yemen. (Posthumous.)

I guess that means that I am banned.

donner_froh January 23, 2009 at 11:04 pm

[re=227735]donner_froh[/re]: Jessica Cutler, of course

PoliticalGraffiti January 24, 2009 at 12:19 am

hey malaka. ur cute.

Iggy Plop January 24, 2009 at 12:58 am

She doesn’t like soup. Who doesn’t like soup? Hmm. Suspicious.

hobospacejungle January 24, 2009 at 3:03 am

[re=227610]Dreamer[/re]: “So when a name ends with an “a’, i.e Asha, Malaka, Amina, it is always a female.”

Osama is a girl! I knew it. Way too thin to be a dood.

Malaka my dear, first things first: What are you, 25? 30 tops? And you got 3 blogs, plus an Examiner column and the Al Jazeera thingy on the side? Slow the fuck down already! Some of us here are unemployed, lazy and good for nothing and we don’t cotton to overachievers making us look bad.

On the other hand, if you bring the funny we’ll probably forget all about your 18 jobs and that third definition of Malaka in the urban dictionary.

Finally, where is all this Iranian/Persian bunkum coming from? Malaka is Egytian/Filipino/Americano. Last I checked (actually I never really checked) they don’t speak much Farsi in any of the above. So lay off our dear Malaka!

Oh wait, you were talking about that Iranian documentary. Never mind…

kinky-neo-con January 24, 2009 at 4:01 pm

Everyone, SHUT UP!!! -Im just looking for some hottie PERSIAN porn; Im really drunk & lonely and need to jerk-off to something after all those CJSOTF-A deployments…

102415 January 24, 2009 at 7:15 pm

[re=227720]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Me too and mine was pretty mild. This is just showing us what it’s like to comment in Iran.

Sarjo January 25, 2009 at 9:24 pm

MACACA!!!! Hahahaha!!!!!!

Nyarlathotep January 26, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Just checked out the new slave’s Portfolio Blog…

WOW!!! So much I don’t care about, and it’s all in one place now!

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