Wonkette
Shut up shut up shut up shhut shut shut up shup shut ut shup shut up. SHHH. What the hell. Jason Bateman why are you talking about your poop. Here’s our “Obama pledge,” you queers, and that’s simply to let people die when they get death diseases rather than watch the U.S. go bankrupt over a health care problem, which seems to be your ultimate goal. This pledge requires much less effort than Demi Moore’s pledge, which is “to free one million slaves in the next five years.” Like, WHAT? Does she even have a plan for that? C’mon. C’MON. Bwah bwah bwah. [via Andrew Sullivan]
Why didn’t Michael Strahan just beat the poop out of Mr. Demi Moore?
I pledge to support right-wing wack jobs who want to make your lives miserable, Hollywood fucktards.
The highschool junior look really works for Demi Moore.
Seriously… how can one human being continue to look like the most gorgeous 17 year-old you’ve ever laid eyes on for 30 friggin’ years!
Jaime Pressley should also pledge to come over to my place tonight for some party liquor.
Whatever, whatever, whatever. I can has sexy-time, now?
I pledge to never watch a comic book based movie.
Did George Lopez put his face into an operating kiln? Jeebus!
so, demi wants us to end slavery for a million people but then ends by telling us to be servants of the president? i haz confused.
…aren’t all the Hollywood types suppose to go back into hibernation until the next election by now?!
I was thinking, well, yes, it’s good to promote good causes and… Wait, are they saying their big heroic effort for our new age is to SMILE at people?
Why Eva? Why didn’t you pledge to have sexy fun with me?
Just looking at that screenshot makes me mad. I’m not watching it.
Serolf Divad:
A great surgeon and a personal trainer? Give her ten years and she’ll have the Madonna hag look, though.
words cannot describe how disgusted i am with that “commercial.” Everyone in it must die. Except maybe Anthony Kiedis cause i think he got stoned and just accidentally wandered in, and maybe Peter Krause because he only had one little line and i will always love Nate Fisher. Jason Bateman just broke my heart and Will.i.am needs to just go away and die somewhere.
I pledge to get laid this year. Even if I have to pay for it.
Well, that was at least ten times better than Benjamin Button, but I do have a few questions:
1 - who’s the pledge allegiance to funk guy whose going to go help the old folks?
2 - the guy who’s going to sell a more positive culture… haven’t we pretty much wiped them all out?
3 - wouldn’t a better hollywood pledge go something like, “I pledge to shut up and go away, good bye.”?
Serolf Divad: Many artificial parts.
That makes me want to pledge to become a republican.
JamesMichaelCurley:
…and schutpping teenagers.
OK, I watched it. Ugh, you men get a bunch of hot women (plus Asshat Simpson) and what do the ladies get? David Arquette? Will.i.am?! A Scientologist toddler? Seriously. I guess technically we get Barry too, so it all evens out in the end.
I pledge, President Obama, to download only porn involving consenting adults.
I didn’t hear any of these socialist revolutionaries pledging to support
the Dixie Chicks when they chose to give Dubbya a good serve years ago.
Shut up shut up shut up…
Demi’s definition of “slave” may differ somewhat from yours or mine.
That said, the dungeons of New York and LA are full of very obedient “slaves” who would probably be overjoyed to know that celebrities want their accustomed rate adjusted to “free.” Still I’m not sure they number in the millions. Maybe if you throw in Austin.
I pledge to make America think that being overpaid for producing shitty movies/TV/music provides profound insight on this core needs of this country and the world.
I saw this shit on Oprah on Monday when Demi and Ashton were on. Celebrities are going to save the world by making tons of YouTube videos instead of rolling up their sleeves and shoveling dog shit, which would actually really save the world.
WadISay: Presumably applying the Jewish definition, wherin adulthood begins at 13.
I didn’t make it to the celebrity crap, I had to turn it off right away when they started turning Hopey’s words into one of those goddamn Ford F-150 ads.
If we’re pledging allegiance to funk, I’m all over this service stuff.
Did you fall face-first in to a pile of nose talc this morning, Jim? Or did the video do that to your brain?
No pledge from Lynyrd Skynryd? Charlie Daniels? Larry the Cable Guy? Hmm.
Can we get ashton and mr. kiedis to pledge to stop acting like retarded dickbags?
I pledge to never watch any of these asshats do any of their idiotic acting ever again. I pledge to crap all over their graves. I pledge to drink only bottled water. I pledge to set a hybrid on fire.
I pledge.
Why isn’t there a big zoo in Hollywood with Plexiglass walls, like the soundproof lion enclosure at MGM Grand in Las Vegas, where they could keep celebrities between movies and other performances? They clearly can’t be trusted out on the streets.
I pledge to raise my kids to have an attention span that is longer than four seconds so they can get their ideas from reading actual books…
I pledge to kiss my biceps more often.
I pledge to continue to offer my services to the Obama administration, as Minister of Proscriptions and Pogroms, and to devise clever methods of carrying out death sentences and inhumane means of mortal punishments, especially for use against the terminally incorrigible, especially that crybaby Gonzo. And Harriet Myers. I hated that bitch.
Funk tattoo guy was totally sniffing his pits–not that there’s anything wrong with that. Superstar!
Anthony Kiedis? David Arquette? Is this from a fucking history class or something?
I pledge to bring back the slogans, “Stop the War,” “Keep America Beautiful.” “Flower Power,” “Black is Beautiful,” and “Free Love.”
I pledge to kick one of you pledgers in the shin, for America.
I pledge to go Guy Fawkes in whatever legislative chamber any of these vacuous miscreants gets elected to in some dystopian near-future. Except for the girl who appears in the still when the video isn’t playing.
I Pledge my table, but not my chifforobe.
I pledge to eat lunch today.
Violenza: You were smart not to watch it. I watched the first 20 seconds and threw up in my mouth.
I PLEDGE TO MAKE COMMENTS ON THE INTERNETX IN ALL CAPS
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFF. Do they not get it that this is the kind of crapola that makes people hate liberals? We are movie stars, and we are so awesome that people will want to be just like us, because they are stupid to know we are really egocentric whiney spoiled pampered babies. Did I mentions BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFF?
Godot: Haha! That the part I actually liked. I’m real hard of hearing and it was like having those helpful closed captions on screen.
I liked Demi too, of course. Because I couldn’t hear what she was saying. Deafness does have some advantages.
Mustang:
Dude, I totally hate me after watching that. I voted for the black guy that wants to close Gitmo and not a personality cult cult driven by narcissists with $8 bottled water. Fuck this crap, keep Gitmo open and shove everyone on this video in there. COUNTRY FIRST!
Thank goodness they made this. Awareness of self-important, shit-mouthed, ill-educated Hollywood shit stains was nearing an all time low.
I pledge to support efforts to expose the vacuous nature, not of Hollydull libtards, but Hollymeh retards.
This is pornography, plain and simple. Sexy-time all the time. Personal exposure first and foremost.
This is worse than Palin and her witchdoctor.
My fantasy: buckets of cold water dousing each pledger from above. Gag. Meh. Also.
Backshop: I like it! Make the zoo a state AND national park. We’ll pay to watch them eat, bathe and mate. California’s deficit is gone in a month. The US is solvent in a year. LA is the new Dubai and Backshop is Time’s Commenter of the Year.
DoctorCulturae: You are totally NOT watching the right porn.
OMG there was SO much douchebaggery in that video, I couldn’t even finish watching. And now this whole place stinks of vinegar.
Unfortunately, there were even people in that video I previously sort of liked ok. Pshh. Not anymore.
It’s amazing how much that pissed me off. Fuck off.
You should have seen the sanctimonious version of the ad.
peachgirl: Aware of the discrepancy, but find the hooring similarities too plentiful to ignore.
medievalist: Indeed. They seem to confuse, though not surprisingly, dedicated volunteer work with “being positive” and “looking pretty.”
Awww…celebs are so cut when they pretend to care.
Who do they think we are? Their minions? All they have to do is show up to do some lame commercial,
and then WE…their beloved followers go out to do all the hard work of volunteering
Eff them. I’ve been volunteering before any stupid ass celebrity told me to do so.
The smugness of this kind of crap makes me pledge to never spend another dime on any of their movies of CD’s.
I pledge to contribute to movie piracy.
Are these people even famous? Where was Joe the Plumber? What’s his pledge. Will he also ludicrously kiss his own biceps? These people are history’s greatest monsters.
I was asking myself the same thing.
So, I’m watching the video. ok, there’s Demi, and Eva… Who the hell are the rest of those people. Celebs? Huh? Where’s Hillary, Bill, Nancy, Anderson, Blitzer and the Fox crew?
In summary: Oprah lost her 200, and found a solution to healthcare (well her production company at least). 2009: Year of Oprahism!
sezme: Joe the Plumber is a self-hating war correspondent, you dolt! He has pledged to build Eretz Yisrael with his own hands. He is in charge of implementing the basic principle of plumbing throughout the Holy Land: Hot Is On The Left.
Personally, I find all the pledges for mentoring awe-inspiring.
Everyone needs help learning how to be a self-absorbed irrelevant dweeb.
Is this like a True Love Waits pledge card that you sign and get pregnant anyway? If so, I’m totally pledging.
I mean, I like the plan of everyone participating in public service, but did that seem creepy to anyone else?
Wait, Dawn from Buffy? Couldn’t she just ask the army of Slayers that Willow manufactured at the last series to kick the worlds problems in the face.
I can’t get down on this. Actors appear before the camera for big bucks; here they are doing it for free (presumably). I did not write anything for President Obama for free, and I’m guessing that only a few of us donated what we do. Of course, Oprah Winfrey didn’t ask us to, but that’s because we are not famous, with lots to risk.
Actors just deliver, they don’t write, so I can’t be angry at these actors for either not being writers or having to deliver cutesy poo lines written for them. Best of all, I wouldn’t know who to blame in any case; I’m not a big movie fan, so I haven’t a clue who 2/3 of these people are and really don’t care. But I respect that to support our new President, they are doing for free what they normally do for many dollars. Let’s get snarky on the wingnut actors and leave our side unscathed. Yeah, I know, no fun — well, be a bit more gentle anyway.
I think Ashton’s pledge is more difficult than Demi’s. Represent our country with dignity? Really? Dignity, you say?
What the fuck is this shit?
Seriously?
Stop it.
I pledge to love myself even more. I pledge to allow myself to take all that I need, want and desire, so that other people can be happy for how happy I am. I pledge to allow other people to feel good about how good I feel about myself. I pledge to earn exorbitant amounts of money for displaying my “talents” in public, but preferably through licensing arrangements that don’t entail actual work on my part. I pledge to give others the opportunity to turn off the lights behind me and to offset my Hummer’s carbon footprint by driving dinky hybrids. I pledge to require top-name hair and makeup people so that I look my best for the people who are looking at me.
I pledge.
Um, hey everybody - didn’t Parker & Stone identify the “party” these people really represent, the Film Actors Guild (F.A.G.)’s?
The time for true patriotism calls for Team America (F&%# Yeah!), and as true supporters of the real Team America, it is our obligation as Wonketeers to take the F.A.G’s out -
right? right?
(F&%# Yeah!)
Is Anthony Keidis trying to stay relevant by looking like Dave Grohl? Someone should really tell him Dave Grohl’s not particulaly relevant either.
“I pledge to serve the president”
uh, what?
I pledge to send a bag of dicks to each and every one of these people. Mmmm, that’s a lot of dicks (donations needed please, Hopey would want you to help out). Then the aforementioned Hollywood libtards can eat the dicks, re-use the bags and save the world. Or something.
I pledge allegiance to the fags of the united rapes-a-big-hairy-guy.
I’m Tiger Woods.
Huh? Too late for what?
I pledge to only let SBD’s, only in grocery stores and only near an old person that will then take the blame.
was that Nicole ritchie near the end? its hard to believe they even let her into the building… and the girl from Friends, it looks like one of her eyelids could drop off at any second– poor gal has the face of a lava lizzard. what the hell?
Did I see Punky Brewster in there? And I would totally stick it to the pale chubby girl. You know, as long as she’s legal. And Michael Strahan.
do you think there was a moment sometime after Courtny Cox’s plastic surgery when she looked into a mirror and just said to herself: Holy… .. fucking .. . Balls
lawrenceofthedesert: Sorry, snark is non-partisan.
Especially when you have a whole bag of doorknobs to mock.
I understand why A. Keides is worrying about the old folks, since that’s his listening constituency, but who gave that big AA man the scary line about making more love to strangers? And why do they make him renounce his African-ness?
Giant Robot: Not funny but WIN anyway.
Hobgobbler: “I pledge to serve the president.” Isn’t that what Monica Goodling, former Justice Department White House Liaison, testified to Congress about when she was serving that other president, you know, the one who did so much for Regent “University” Law “School”?
insert_namehere: Can’t say that I disagree; I seem to be in a highly contrarian mode of thinking today, is all. Don’t mind me (as if anyone would), carry on…
I pledge, to blow every one of these narcisssitic assholes off the face of the earth with a submachine gun. That’s change I can believe in.
This commercial should have pledged to be two minutes shorter, so that my eyes wouldn’t have pledged to glaze over.
Serolf Divad: By not even doing that at all is how she does (doesn’t) actually do that ever.
Are these people deep cover conservatives? My eye is still twitching.
I pledge to pop dakota’s fanning cherry while blowing diddy and getting fucked by bateman. demi pledged to clean up afterwards.