Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Now that President Obama is at last really the President, we here in the satirical-media community must immediately drop our oppositional attitude to those holding political power in this country and work as hard as we can to become their lapdogs. (The one exception is Mallard Fillmore.) Your Comics Curmudgeon has been looking for a way that he can take on this important task. It occurs to me that now that Obama is busy socializing the crumbling remains of American industry and forming a military alliance with Hamas, he’s probably too busy to update his famous Fight The Smears site, so maybe I should go ahead and start fighting all the NEW smears that have started up now that he’s president!
You can thank me later, Mr. President, however you think most appropriate (HINT: Ambassadorship to someplace warm, unimportant, not too coup-y.)
Click on the TERRIBLE SMEAR CARTOONS to make them bigger and see the TRUTH BEHIND THE LIES!
Smear: President Obama sates his monstrous appetite for carnage by forcing his cabinet members to fight to the death in the arena!
Truth: Obviously our elitist president would blanch at such terrible bloodsport. It is true, however, that he sharpens his advisors’ wits and expands their intellectual horizons by holding Lincoln-Douglas style debates before each cabinet meeting. Topics include “Greatest 18th century British Prime Minister: Pitt the Elder or Robert Walpole?”, “Kant and Schopenhauer: Taking sides” and “What goes best with arugula?” The President himself determines the outcome of these debates, based on broadly accepted judging criteria; the winner gets to have one of his or her pet policies implemented, while the loser is fed to Joe Biden’s vicious dogs.
Smear: As a native of savage Africa, Obama has never actually lived indoors before, and is thus just setting cooking fires at random places within the White House, as he would in his home Kenyan village of “Chicago.”
Truth: President Obama is doing his part to save energy, break out dependence on foreign oil, and fight global warming by setting a series of small fires for the purposes of heating the executive mansion. For fuel, he is using renewable resources like antique White House furniture, and the size and spacing of the fires is supervised by the household staff.
Smear: At many of the inaugural balls, President Obama engaged in a slow, soulful dance with an enormous bear, rather than with his lovely wife Michelle, who could only look on in embarrassment.
Truth: Obama did spend his first night as president fucking the shit out of a bear, in accordance with presidential tradition. However, he informed his wife and the nation that this human-ursine coupling was entirely cheap and physical, and did not imply the sort of emotional connection that he has with his sexy First Lady.
Smear: Obama plans to replace all American religions except Islam with “Obamaism,” a new creed that teaches us that our planet rotates around Obama’s glorious, shining head, and that daylight is the pure and holy radiance beaming off of His face.
Truth: Our intellectual president would find the simplistic theology described above rather naive and childish. In Obamaism, Obama is not a physical presence, but rather a force for good that permeates all living things; it cannot be seen or measured, but only felt, in your heart.
Smear: Obama once totally stabbed some random dude to death with one of those old-timey fountain pens, and then just stood there and watched him bleed out all over the place.
Truth: Actually, Obama really did totally do that once. WHAT’RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT BITCHES? HE’S THE PREZINT NOW! HE’LL STAB YOU WITH HIS STABBY PEN IF YOU GET IN HIS WAY, SO WATCH OUT!
Mallard Fillmore is still publishing?!!
Look, the man has been President for nearly an entire work week. I believe we can confidently say it’s all his fault.
That rising sun one is setting the bar a wee bit high for poor old Barry, don’t you think?
Also, he has big ears.
And the Oscar for Most Condescending Use of Labeling in an Editorial Cartoon goes to Bob Gorrell for putting “red ink” on the huge smudge of red ink. Readers of the Norfolk Star-Whatevertheheckitis, congratulations — your editorial cartoonist thinks you are sub-moronic.
Smear: President Obama sates his monstrous appetite for carnage by forcing his cabinet members to fight to the death in the arena!
THIS! IS! SPARTA!
I am dying to tell some republican to stop insulting the President and show Respect for the Office. After listening to this totalitarian BS for 8 years, I am dying to start calling any dissent unamerican, to its face, right in the middle of dinner, in front of the kids.
Terry: I blame the cartoonists for heightened expectation. This means you, Jeff Danziger!
Actually, you’re still allowed to be cynical as long as you secretly have a heart of gold. What, NO heart of gold? THEN JUST GTFO.
The slander in the first one is that Obama is portrayed as a balding white dude and Michelle as a chubby Mexican gal. Other than that, I rather like the idea of Cabinet Secretaries being forced to fight to the death.
Oh, yeah, and many whore diamonds for the link after the bear fucking comment. Not what I expected.
masterdebater:
Already heard it. The Marine Sergeant in me fired back and caused some pretty amusing back-pedaling, contradicting himself, of course.
According to the third cartoon, our new president is a Vulcan. Live long and prosper, dude.
Red Zeppelin: Mallard Fillmore is “satriical?” I just assumed it was a recording of the fever dreams of Bill O’Reilly.
Red Zeppelin: Not only that, but Mallard Filmore actually tried to revive the whole “Barry threw unfriendly newspapers off the campaign plane!” canard in today’s very paper.
“our planet rotates around Obama’s glorious, shining head”
I like the imagry.
Washington, Washington, 20 stories tall and made of radi-ation!
Win!
Topics include “Greatest 18th century British Prime Minister: Pitt the Elder or Robert Walpole?”
Lord Palmerston!!! *punches Josh*
Obama stabbed Vince Foster with a fountain pen, to help with Hillary’s Campaign Debt.
actor212: No, THIS! IS! KENYA!
Listening to At Last–a tune which I had loved until last Tuesday–a gizillion times was horror enough, thanks.
StrangelyBrown: Red Zeppelin: The local paper (the Strib) dropped Mallard Fillmore about 9 months ago. I thought the foul thing had croaked, or the author was back in detox, but never bothered to check. Now I haz a sad.
That first one is wordier than War and Peace, or at least Watchmen.
Yay! Thanks for mentioning Mallard Filmore! It’s hilarious because it’s a play on words! Millard Fillmore was a president. Isn’t that funny? But it’s intellectual too.
Chuck Asay is the new Mallard Filmore.
Obama did spend his first night as president fucking the shit out of a bear
I hope Tutter and Ojo never hear about this, or see the photos the otters took.
He’ll kick you apart! He’ll kick you apart!!! OOOOH!
I loathe Chuck Asay with the firs of a thousand suns… but he is preferable to Mallard Fillmore
It’s cute that Keshev, the Indian cartoonist, thinks that India/Pakistan is second in importance to the Middle East among the problems that Obama will deal with when everyone knows it is the lack of a college football playoff.
Could I just point out that the Obama sun is apparently rising from the northwest? Alaska, to be specific? Or maybe he decided to nuke the place, just for a laugh.
We broke earth and Barry’s human duct tape. Git r done, mr. stabby potus.
we here in the satirical-media community must immediately drop our oppositional attitude to those holding political power in this country and work as hard as we can to become their lapdogs.
Well, Craig Ferguson for one has certainly received the memo.
I heard that guy had, like, thirty goddamn dicks.
The Boston Globe dropped funny-as-a-crutch-and-not-the-funny-crutches-either “Mallard Fillmore” a few months back and I am seriously telling you that it has improved my life. I LOVE YOU BOSTON GLOBE!
Red Zeppelin: Yes, but no new artwork has been drawn in ten years. Once you have one lame caricature of Ted Kennedy you don’t ever need another one.
That’s not a bear, that’s Andrew Sullivan.
I want to hear more about bear banging in the Lincoln bedroom.
Ok, well they kind of skipped over the bear banging, didn’t they? By God, that is anti-American. Where is that copy of the Constitution I had in eighth grade? Liberals, BAH!
“Greatest 18th century British Prime Minister: Pitt the Elder or Robert Walpole?”
wtf? Jesus people, it was Walpole, obv.
The Indians think Barry is a black Monty Burns? Give us those fucking beads and blankets back then, assholes.