Nice Lady To Take Caroline Kennedy’s Hillary Clinton Seat!

by Jim Newell

The Albany Times Union is pretty sure that Congresswoman Kirsten Gillibrand of New York will get David Paterson’s Senate appointment tomorrow after several painful months of catastrophe, ruin and embarrassment involving most of the Democratic party’s major dynasties. We are looking forward to never posting about this bullshit ever again, thank you. Sooo… Gillibrand, eh? Let’s see what we’ve got in the ol’ Wonkette Archives for “Gillibrand, Kirsten”….

AHA, she’s the one who unseated the drunkest Congressman ever in 2006! And then last year she popped out a lil’ baby!

Oh she seems like a nice lady. Too bad for her that this report will be declared false within hours, when Caroline Kennedy leads a military coup. [Times Union]

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Hola wonkerados.

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tallulah January 22, 2009 at 9:04 pm


Dreadful Gate January 22, 2009 at 9:06 pm

Yes, but can she field dress a Republican?

Texan Bulldoggette January 22, 2009 at 9:10 pm

Is her baby retarded, too? Is she the Democrat Palin-ator?

rambone January 22, 2009 at 9:11 pm

[re=226347]tallulah[/re]: Indeed! I look forward to rubbing one out more often than usual while watching the C-SPAN.

Rush January 22, 2009 at 9:13 pm

What time is her joint press conference with Al Sharpton – isn’t that a right of passage in NY?

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 22, 2009 at 9:13 pm

Has anyone called her at 3:00 A.M. yet?

shortsshortsshorts January 22, 2009 at 9:13 pm

And all this time I thought Patterson would just parachute him in there.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 22, 2009 at 9:16 pm

Is she at least a secret Muslim?

Monsieur Grumpe January 22, 2009 at 9:22 pm

Oh oh. I think I see an adams apple.

Rush January 22, 2009 at 9:23 pm

[re=226355]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:

Aren’t we all secret muslims now anyway?

AngryBlakGuy January 22, 2009 at 9:24 pm

…ummmmm, can someone please tell me why the Dems are taking a page from the (failed)Republican handbook. Particularly the chapter on all women are interchangeable? Geez, it doesn’t necessarily have to be woman guys!

Lascauxcaveman January 22, 2009 at 9:24 pm

[re=226351]rambone[/re]: Actually, Google image shows she’s a tad on Meghan side of the sveltness scale, but hey, she’s a mom.

j6n January 22, 2009 at 9:25 pm

Are we sure this isn’t just Caroline Kennedy wearing stuff from Hillary’s wardrobe?

IceCreamEmpress January 22, 2009 at 9:30 pm

She is button-cute.

Geez, it doesn’t necessarily have to be woman guys!

Who’s your candidate? Gillibrand has a reputation for being squeaky-clean (good after the Spitzer shenans) and won in a hitherto solidly Republican district (even though she was running against Representative Drunky McChokesHisWife).

I don’t think it’s just that she is a female woman type, but that she is one of the few elected pols in New York who is unlikely to be at all scandal-prone.

Iggy Plop January 22, 2009 at 9:32 pm

Thanks for linking all those warm, happy memories of John Sweeney’s drunken squalor. Good times.

Rush January 22, 2009 at 9:32 pm


Can’t be. Dick Morris took all of Hillary’s warbrodes from 25 pounds ago. I read it on the internet.

IceCreamEmpress January 22, 2009 at 9:35 pm

she is one of the few elected pols in New York who is unlikely to be at all scandal-prone

Of course, now that I say this, she will probably be discovered doing blow off the ass of a Chippendale in the Dirksen Building, because I suck at the predicitionizing.

chascates January 22, 2009 at 9:36 pm

Even before Gillibrand is announced she may have a challenger for 2010:

ALBANY — Representative Carolyn McCarthy of Long Island, a staunch supporter of gun-control laws, said in an interview Thursday that she would challenge a fellow Democrat, Representative Kirsten E. Gillibrand, if Gov. David A. Paterson names Ms. Gillibrand to the Senate.
“Obviously, I’m very upset,” Ms. McCarthy said. “I came to Congress to reduce gun violence in this country, and Mayor Bloomberg has been working diligently to get mayors across this country to help reduce gun violence.”
“To have a senator representing the N.R.A. for New York, that would be wrong,” she added. “If it comes down to that, I will primary in 2010.”

Geez, New Yorkers play rough!

Rodney Badger January 22, 2009 at 9:37 pm

I am happy Paterson picked someone from upstate.

[re=226358]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: We need more women in power. Less wars, more SCHIP.

jagorev January 22, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Wait, no scandals and no dynastic name? How the hell is she qualified for the Senate? Does Paterson not realize that the Senate is the designated retirement home for all of our inbred aristocrats with freaky sex fetishes?

jagorev January 22, 2009 at 9:39 pm

[re=226347]tallulah[/re]: Meh. She’s no Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, the reigning queen of CILFs.

bhosp January 22, 2009 at 9:39 pm

You know.

Bypartizoa January 22, 2009 at 9:42 pm

Is there anyone in New York who isn’t fighting with someone else in New York?

jagorev January 22, 2009 at 9:42 pm

[re=226369]Rodney Badger[/re]: You know, in a real Democracy, upstate would get about 1 Senator while New York City would get about 20. Damn the founders and their hatred of big cities.

rambone January 22, 2009 at 9:46 pm


She seems to always be wearing the same jewelry in all of her PR pics. She ought to talk to Blago about maximizing her income opportunities.

Aurelio January 22, 2009 at 9:47 pm

She’s healthy looking. I approve.

Rodney Badger January 22, 2009 at 9:50 pm

[re=226373]jagorev[/re]: Would it help if I told you that she has the voice of an angelic 13 year old girl? Listen as she dictates her term paper:

jagorev January 22, 2009 at 9:50 pm

MILFs are a fucking valuable thing, you don’t just give ‘em away for nothing.

Rodney Badger January 22, 2009 at 9:51 pm

[re=226377]jagorev[/re]: Your’e right. What the fuck was I thinking?

sarcasticusername January 22, 2009 at 9:53 pm

i live in upstate ny and i think patterson is an idiot for picking a pretty darn conservative congresswoman to fill some sort of “upstate senator” quota. as far as i’m concerned if that’s the kind of representation that upstate is gonna get then, we don’t deserve representation. jeebus why can’t patterson have the kind of balls that blago has? that was a senate appointment with real panache.

AngryBlakGuy January 22, 2009 at 9:55 pm

[re=226369]Rodney Badger[/re]: …actually that is a fairly compelling arguement!

jagorev January 22, 2009 at 9:55 pm

[re=226383]Rodney Badger[/re]: OMG it’s future Renee Zellweger!

Delicious January 22, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Aw. Sweet. What’s her favorite Journey song?

facehead January 22, 2009 at 10:04 pm

I wanna blingee dat ass!

denver_80203 January 22, 2009 at 10:04 pm

Still nothing on Drudge… I think eggman is depressed

cal January 22, 2009 at 10:06 pm

I bet she bakes a mean batch of cookies.

Jewdishoowary Square January 22, 2009 at 10:10 pm

[re=226376]Bypartizoa[/re]: You have obviously never been to New York.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 22, 2009 at 10:12 pm


(Yeah, so maybe I’ve seen one too many womynz in bars cradling a bottle of horsepiss light and beltin’ out that song like they were auditioning for America Idol. No, I won’t divulge how many I went home with)

Scandalabra January 22, 2009 at 10:15 pm

This woman lives literally four blocks from me. I can vouch for her realness. Frank Capra approves this message.

Squiggyfm January 22, 2009 at 10:15 pm

Yay! A new SLIF.

Squiggyfm January 22, 2009 at 10:16 pm

I mean SILF.

Squiggyfm January 22, 2009 at 10:16 pm

Butchered that one.

wickedlittledoll January 22, 2009 at 10:18 pm

Gillibrand? Never heard of her. Caroline would have been the best, you know?

persiflage January 22, 2009 at 10:24 pm

Her last name sounds like a brand of smoked sausage links.

Larry McAwful January 22, 2009 at 10:34 pm

I’ve been looking for pictures that show off her whole body. Kirsten Gillibrand is the CILFiest CILF there is. And that includes Gabrielle Giffords. I have nothing against skinny women, but man, women with an actual figure are loads better.

If this holds up, she’ll be the hottest senator, edging out… um… Amy Klobuchar, I guess.

Welcome, SILF Gillibrand!

Squiggyfm January 22, 2009 at 10:37 pm

I haven’t wanted to do a Senator more since Obama resigned. OH!

magic titty January 22, 2009 at 10:39 pm

[re=226352]Rush[/re]: Yes.

Mr Blifil January 22, 2009 at 11:04 pm

I look forward to her co-chairing a Senate subcommittee with David Vitter on the issue of the environmental impact of soiled diapers. They’re both steeped in the subject in a very personal way at present.

President Beeblebrox January 22, 2009 at 11:12 pm

I believe I would hit it like the fist of an irritated deity.

Rodney Badger January 22, 2009 at 11:21 pm

Also, I don’t know anyone over 25 named Kirsten. She must be the first. A real trendsetter, that one.

Pop Socket January 22, 2009 at 11:23 pm

[re=226373]jagorev[/re]: Sandlin has too much cleaned-up Deadhead in her look for me. Give me the MILFy goodness of Gillibrand anyday.

Portugal (The Man) January 22, 2009 at 11:24 pm

Rodney Badger:

Why don’t you have a seat right over there?

satyricrash January 22, 2009 at 11:26 pm

Did someone just spray PAM in her face? Why is she so shiny???

gliberal January 22, 2009 at 11:29 pm

She has a penis.

Dreadful Gate January 22, 2009 at 11:30 pm

But does she have TruckNutz™ on her pickup? We want to know.

rambone January 22, 2009 at 11:39 pm

[re=226421]gliberal[/re]: Yes, and it is located in my pants. She can borrow it any time she wants.

jagorev January 22, 2009 at 11:40 pm

I sense an upstate-downstate split coming in the NY Dem party. Seriously, this woman is a Blue Dog Democrat with right-wing stances on immigration, gay rights, and gun ownership. This is going to piss off a lot of liberals in NYC and Long Island, not to mention giving Hispanic voters a great reason to vote GOP next time.

She has absolutely no appeal to NYCers and suburbanites. Our last two Republican mayors have been more liberal than this lady.

I’m calling for the 5 boroughs, Westchester, Suffolk, and Nassau to secede. Who’s with me?

melvin January 22, 2009 at 11:41 pm

In order of CILFiness:
1. Gabrielle Giffords
2. Kirsten Gillibrand
3. Stephanie Herseth
4. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

jagorev January 22, 2009 at 11:43 pm

[re=226427]melvin[/re]: Gabrielle Giffords has a forehead that is freaking the hell out of me, and Debbie Wasserman Schultz has crazy eyes, like my ex girlfriend, which is actually kind of hot.

Rumproast January 22, 2009 at 11:57 pm

“I’m calling for the 5 boroughs, Westchester, Suffolk, and Nassau to secede. Who’s with me?

I’m in as long as we drop Staten Island.

tallulah January 22, 2009 at 11:59 pm

[re=226427]melvin[/re]: ugh with that rats nest of pubes on her head Debbie W-S doesn’t belong anywhere near the dewy Kirsten Gillbrand!

jagorev January 23, 2009 at 12:05 am

[re=226441]Rumproast[/re]: Staten Island is already part of upstate, or possibly New Jersey. I think the 5th borough is now Washington DC (see Juli’s post from earlier), which is another city that gets totally disenfranchised and shafted all the time…

Wonks Adventure January 23, 2009 at 12:22 am

[re=226427]melvin[/re]: oh, why stop there? now you gotta do all 535 members of congress. that’s ok, we’ll wait.

there’s about 90 women total, so i think #80 – #100 should be interesting.

Edywin January 23, 2009 at 1:12 am

I kissed a Senator, and I liked it, the taste of her cherry Chapstick!
-Sen. Larry Craig

wickedlittledoll January 23, 2009 at 2:36 am

And the winner of the battle for the big apple is…Rep. Kirsten Gillibrand!?

saggyboobedhag January 23, 2009 at 2:53 am

Why is her face so shiny? Doesn’t she spend most of her time with her make-up specialist I mean personal assistant? How can she become a prominent female politician without a personal shopper and hair dresser? Although her hair looks pretty good and her clothes don’t look too bad, but still: What the fuck is her problem?

melvin January 23, 2009 at 3:22 am

I was hoping that Kirsten would be taking Hillz seat, pretty much from the get go. I was also hoping for Lisa Madigan getting the shot in Illinois. And also, lastly, I wouldn’t mind being in a threesome.

facehead January 23, 2009 at 4:01 am

[re=226398]Squiggyfm[/re]: Don’t you mean NKILF? Non-Kennedy …

villageatrois January 23, 2009 at 4:11 am

A lawyer married to a lawyer, appointed to succeed a lawyer married to a lawyer, during the administration of a lawyer married to a lawyer. If there are two or three thousand more of these, people will begin to catch on.

davesnothere January 23, 2009 at 4:43 am

[re=226373]jagorev[/re]: Get serious! She’s just ok.

davesnothere January 23, 2009 at 4:45 am

[re=226421]gliberal[/re]: Everything’s gotta be perfect, for you?

Oh hell to the no January 23, 2009 at 5:23 am

My college town picked up Albany TV stations and I remember the Gillibrand/Sweeney House race in ’06 almost entirely consisting of attack ads. It was quite amazing, in fact, IIRC, the AARP refused to endorse either candidate for that reason.

gurukalehuru January 23, 2009 at 7:09 am

[re=226383]Rodney Badger[/re]: Congresswoman Zellweiger.

Servo January 23, 2009 at 7:10 am

Given the limits of his choices, and that he wants to balance upstate/downstate representation, I think Paterson made a decent choice.

gurukalehuru January 23, 2009 at 7:20 am

I suspect it went down something like this:
Paterson: How about Caroline Kennedy?
Smithersish aide: Too many people hate her, sir.
Paterson: How about that Cuomo fella?
Smithersish aide: Too many people hate him, sir.
Paterson: All right, find me somebody nobody knows. It’ll take the bloggers a week, at least, to work up a hate, and the general public will accept pretty much anybody who’s not actually in jail.
Smithersish aide: Yes, Sir!
Paterson: Oh, yeah, and it wouldn’t hurt if she has big tits.

Diahni January 23, 2009 at 8:02 am

Why so snarky, folks?
This woman is squeaky clean, and has a very good reputation in my neck of the woods, aka Siberia.
Best of all, she can’t see Russia from Upstate. Good pick, I say. Kennedy didn’t come off very well, and worse, she gives the impression she didn’t actually want the job, you know? With all the douchebags we’ve seen getting nominated for high offices these days, it’s good to see a hard working politician get nominiated on her own merit. Paterson did good.

sowbelly January 23, 2009 at 8:26 am

So does Caroline get to keep her slave maid?

sowbelly January 23, 2009 at 8:27 am

[re=226545]Servo[/re]: Plus in this case being blind helped

kenskids January 23, 2009 at 8:34 am

[re=226430]jagorev[/re]: Wikipedia’s full-sized photos of all four kinda deflate the excitement. Exhibit A: the giant alien hairs growing out of Kirsten Gillibrand’s forehead and chin:,_official_photo_portrait,_2006.jpg

golliwog January 23, 2009 at 8:42 am

I hope Albany media does an interview with Mcslappy. I imagine him these days a lot like Mulder in the new x-files movie. Living the pseudo unibomber life bearded, conspiratorial, and most imporantly mad at The Man.

" January 23, 2009 at 9:13 am

Blonds have more fun–damental credibility as senators.

TGY January 23, 2009 at 9:44 am

Oh, good. Somebody who’s actually won an election.

LazloHollyfeld January 23, 2009 at 9:48 am

This is great news for upstate. Let’s get shitty at the Boulevard Bowl in Schenectady while we toast the questionable validity of our political signifigance. Then it’s hotdogs at Mike’s, a dance at Nite Moves, and four days of shotgun snowmobiling and crack smoking in Amsterdam. That’s how we upstate dems do.

S.Luggo January 23, 2009 at 10:31 am

She had her illegal nanny murdered last week.

Condiments-Only Diet January 23, 2009 at 11:03 am

Gillibrand <3s guns. And the NRA <3s her right back.

norbizness January 23, 2009 at 11:19 am

Re: Shininess. See this video for a possible explanation. If you have come back here after completing the video, you now have had your RDA of Kraftwerk for the next 11 years.

mcfrady January 23, 2009 at 11:50 am
On the front page of this morning’s online edition of the NY Times, there’s a photo of Rep Gillibrand, standing next to Sen Clinton. Taken in 2006. Once you see the photo, you’ll know everything there is to know about Gov Patterson’s pick of Rep Gillibrand above all other NY State contenders.

DustBowlBlues January 23, 2009 at 11:52 am

[re=226554]Diahni[/re]: Who am I to judge a conservative New York Democrat? If she were In OK with her politics, she’d be a marxist feminazi secret muslim. Unless you believe the world is 10,000 years old, Jesus carried a sidearm, life begins at the moment the potential parent gets turned on, and global warming means the End Times, Baby! you cannot be a R. down here.

So I’m all for the squeaky clean lady, even if she hasn’t provided medical records showing she’s had at least one abortion.

mcfrady January 23, 2009 at 11:58 am

[re=226562]kenskids[/re]: I repudiate your criticism of Rep Gillibrand, I think she’s one hell of a good looking women. And she doesn’t need a one hundred thousand dollar wardrobe to prove it either!
Plus she’s a mommy.

mcfrady January 23, 2009 at 12:00 pm

[re=226562]kenskids[/re]: She’s a SILF and a MILF!

bitchincamaro January 23, 2009 at 12:19 pm

[re=226368]chascates[/re]: You meant “Maloney”. Them harps all sound the same.

JadedDIssonance January 23, 2009 at 12:57 pm

[re=226347]tallulah[/re]: I love your name.

Shmucky DeFukhed January 23, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Teddy will be gone by the end of the year. CK can have his seat in Mass.

Hagar77 January 23, 2009 at 7:00 pm

Downstate ain’t too thrilled about her (and that matters — 18 million of NY’s 19.4 million people live in New York City, so this shit about upstate having its very own U.S. Senator is absurd to begin with). Her immigration and gay rights stances alone would have ensured that she’d never have won the Senate seat in an honest race against a more progressive Democrat, so she’ll just get challenged and knocked out in 2010. Not a super-savvy choice by Paterson.

NunnaTheSOBs January 23, 2009 at 7:11 pm

Damn — she’ll bump the Senate’s “foxy”
index up several points — DOUBLE it

Lemming Caution January 23, 2009 at 7:54 pm

[re=226698]Condiments-Only Diet[/re]: yeah, but she also <3s serious background-check legislation, so she <3s responsible gun ownership. And, while she has a 100% from the NRA, she also has a 100% score from the ACLU.

[re=227608]Hagar77[/re]: I thought she supported same-sex marriage?

DangerousLiberal January 23, 2009 at 8:19 pm

[re=226347]tallulah[/re]: Christ, the first comment. I thought I’d have to go at least a page. You can take Sarah Palin out of Wonkette, but you can’t take….aw, to hell with it. She is cute.

the bf January 23, 2009 at 10:34 pm

“…she seems like a nice lady” Isn’t that EXACTLY what you guys said about a certain chillbilly governor back in 2007? …actually, my bad. I just looked through the wonkette archives, and although every editor at wonkette professed a boy and/or girl crush on her, no one actually said Sarah seemed like a nice lady.

Now just wait until Kirsten shoots someone in the face on an NRA sponsored quail hunt.

graceless January 24, 2009 at 8:40 am

Seems the NY gov’s open marriage has served both him and the new senator well. You know they’re screwing. And by that, I mean each other…

bitchincamaro January 24, 2009 at 11:49 am

[re=226368]chascates[/re]: I stand corrected. On the first sentence, at least.

getoffmylawn January 24, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Pro guns, pro gay marriage, pro choice and a blue dog dem to boot. I heard she put Prez O-man on hold while she finished her acceptance speech. Betting window opens on steel cage match between Kirsten and Sarah in 5…4…3…2…

upstate and main January 25, 2009 at 1:57 am

[re=227608]Hagar77[/re]: Wait, where did you get your numbers from, Wikipedia? This week’s 30 Rock showed that Wikipedia conclusively proved that Janis Joplin speed-walked everywhere and ate cats as a snack, just like ALF.

Seriously, NYC’s planning department has the city population at around 8.3 million. You can up that to around 12 million people for the five boroughs plus Nassau, Suffolk, Westchester and Rockland counties. That’s out of a statewide population of about 19 million. The 7 million people (give or take) remaining in upstate would put it between Virginia and Washington in population rank.

WTFaretheWMDs January 25, 2009 at 11:55 am

And she can see Canada from her kitchen window.

Seriously, she deserves whatever good things we can give her after unseating the one of worst thugs ever to serve in Congress. Sweeney was recruited by the Bush campaign team to be among those shipped to Florida in 2000 to terrify ballot counters by pounding on the glass doors and making personal threats until democracy threw up its hands and gave up on the recount, to give the presidency to W. Sweeney’s later highly-publicized drunkenness and wife beating was just character consistency.

upstate and main: Thanks for correcting Hagar77′s misinformation. I think it’s a little dangerous to lump the NYC suburbs with the city politically, and Hagar77′s certainly doing some tiny-thinking if he thinks upstate is monolithically conservative – the upstate urban areas contain a lot of those 7-million-plus upstate voters, and they’re clearly more left-leaning than their more rural and suburban fellow apple-knockers.

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