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OH GOOD HEAVENS

The Secret To Barack And Michelle’s Love Life…

… Is fisting. Yeah, so? [YouTube]


4:22 PM on Wed January 21 2009
By Jim Newell
7237 Views

  1. actor212 says at 4:26 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Yes, but which one is the top

    *crossing fingers for Michelle*

  2. InsidiousTuna says at 4:26 pm, January 21st, 2009

    I heard on weekends, Barry likes to carry her around like a six-pack.

  3. barrysislamicrepublic says at 4:27 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Terrorist fisting is a threat to this nation’s way of life.

  4. Who gives and who receives? Michelle’s got pretty big hands, that’s gotta be uncomfortable for Hopey. I feel bad for this woman. She obviously meant the “terrorist fist bump”. Plus she hasn’t been exposed to all the hardcore pornography the rest of us have. Or maybe that’s just me.

  5. Mr. Herpes says at 4:29 pm, January 21st, 2009

    It’s important to be kind here. Fox News watchers, after 8 years of shrilly defending torture and water-boarding, need a remedial lesson in basic human contact. You know, how to kiss without holding the other person’s nose shut until he/she gags and agrees to tell their secrets. Getting naked can be fun without being locked in a meat freezer or stacked in a pyramid. That fists, gently bumped together, actually means “I like you” as opposed to fists breaking a cheek bone.

  6. bitchincamaro says at 4:30 pm, January 21st, 2009

    A new low in Newell captioning. Sheesh.

  7. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:31 pm, January 21st, 2009

    …and lots of lubricant!

  8. freakishlystrong says at 4:32 pm, January 21st, 2009

    HAHAHAHHAHHHAHHHHAAAAAAAAAHAH! Fist you Wonkette, another goddammed outburst at work!

  9. actor212 says at 4:32 pm, January 21st, 2009

    InsidiousTuna: I heard he liked to use her as a bowling ball on the highly polished dungeon floot.

  10. actor212 says at 4:33 pm, January 21st, 2009

    secrets. Getting naked can be fun without being locked in a meat freezer or stacked in a pyramid

    You make these sound like they’re bad things…

  11. WendyK: Fox News? Puh-leeze. She meant to say, assist in mutual grooming and take each other’s side during interclan fights, when everyone starts flinging pellets of excrement.

  12. Where is Barry’s other hand in that picture, anyway?

  13. Mr. Herpes: Win +1

  14. Bearbloke says at 4:36 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Pure fantasy projection on this woman’s part - however, she should already know that she can look into the eyes of her partner while fisting each other, but kissing on the lips is another trick altogether…

  15. Serolf Divad says at 4:36 pm, January 21st, 2009

    And don’t forget the sex-swing and Michelle’s strap-on.

  16. pat robertsons personal trainer says at 4:36 pm, January 21st, 2009

    fisting . . . one another. Barry’s super secure. Like would take Michelle to see Milk with four of her best girlfriends and a gay dude secure. clearly a 21st century arrangement. Dubs would just pummel the shit of Crazy Eyez and make her sit through Paul Blart: Mall Cop for the 14th time.

  17. chascates says at 4:37 pm, January 21st, 2009

    And the DOW closes up 279 because it knows Junior is gone and the New Man has a Plan.

  18. AngryBlakGuy says at 4:37 pm, January 21st, 2009

    …geez, I really hope they remember to take off their rings and watches. Trust me explaining something like that in emergency room can be very embarrassing!

  19. Merry Christen says at 4:37 pm, January 21st, 2009

    I’m also praying to my Dark Goddess that the Obamas also enjoy Baby Jesus Butt Plugs ™…
    Oh, don’t believe me?
    http://www.divine-interventions.com/baby.php

  20. BillyClubb says at 4:43 pm, January 21st, 2009

    chascates: Yeah, the New Man has a Plan that involves ass lube.

  21. Texan Bulldoggette says at 4:46 pm, January 21st, 2009

    I remember watching Taxi Cab Confessions a few years ago & a gay guy was going on about how strong & resilient the rectum was. He did say, & I’ll never forget it, that ‘once you’ve been fisted, the rectum doesn’t slap back in shape so easy, though’ & then he mentioned something about adult diapers. Hope Barry & Michelle have small hands or it may be a good time to invest in Depends.

  22. Craptaculous says at 4:46 pm, January 21st, 2009

    You owe my employer a new keyboard. And my employer is Hillary Clinton, so, you know, pay up. And stuff.

  23. Jukesgrrl says at 4:46 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Dear FOX: Please investigate Biden and Dr. Jill’s play-plans for the man-sized safe. Is it too much to ask for photos?

  24. sevenrepeat says at 4:49 pm, January 21st, 2009

    it looks like he’s biting her ear. Maybe he thought it was a boxing ring, not a fisting ring.

  25. BillyClubb says at 4:50 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Texan Bulldoggette: Yeah, I’ve heard the same thing about fisting down at Mary’s in the Montrose area — not that I was there for any other reason than I mistakenly wandered in there…

  26. NoWireHangers says at 4:50 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Fox News:

    Celebratory Fist Bump –> Terrorist Fist Jab –> Anal Fisting –> ???

    What’s coming next, folks…

  27. I just went to a dark and terrible place in my brain. I may not make it back.

  28. Woodwards Friend says at 5:00 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Is that Fox2 Detroit? So. Very. Embarassed.

  29. El Pinche says at 5:05 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Texan Bulldoggette: Yup, just like murikas’ butthole after eight years of boooooosh.
    Barry will be our proctologist and chief until 2017.

  30. Well, now that Hopey is officially the Fuehrer, FOX can no longer keep it in the pouch. Future broadcasts might well degenerate into on-air orgies.

  31. ushutyurmouthwhenurtalkintome says at 5:06 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Did that bitch really just say ‘fisting’?! OOOOOh Fox News - someone ’bout to lose they job! Lordy lord!

  32. NoWireHangers: Terrorist anal fisting, obvs. That’s where you use an American flag to clean up the santorum afterwards.

  33. actor212 says at 5:11 pm, January 21st, 2009

    AngryBlakGuy: BAH! I’d trade five rings for the time I had to explain the cucumber…

  34. Pat Pending says at 5:31 pm, January 21st, 2009

    whoever has the shortest nails is doing the… delivering…

  35. If she doesn’t know what fisting means she’s the stupidest cunt I’ve ever seen. If she does, she’s pretty clever for just casually dropping it into the conversation and my hat’s off to her for that. Fisting… oh holly crap.

  36. Kev-O-Tron says at 5:52 pm, January 21st, 2009

    I….ummm…uh….wow?

    I thought they looked comfortable in their sexuality but I never knew Barry was so “progressive.”

  37. SpikeyDog says at 5:59 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Call to the White House kitchen. “I thought I told you to leave a large can of Crisco up here. What’s with this Pam spray?”

  38. idrankthekoolaid says at 6:00 pm, January 21st, 2009

    BillyClubb: EW Mary’s in Montrose. Just driving by there makes me have to take a trip to the terrorist free clinic.

  39. grevillea says at 6:09 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Texan Bulldoggette: Sooooo, resilient in a kinda unresilient way?

  40. bitchincamaro says at 6:19 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Merry Christen: And I thought my Christmas gift “Jesus Shaves” mug was kinda kinky!

  41. Texan Bulldoggette says at 6:25 pm, January 21st, 2009

    grevillea: Resilient in the way that it can handle shit-sized objects being inserted into it (dildos, big dicks, cucumbers, etc.). Not resilient in the way that it can absorb large objects not meant to be inserted in there (here is where fists come in, I’d wager).

  42. Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul says at 6:46 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Texan Bulldoggette: An Internet Classic from the 1.0 era: http://www.well.com/user/cynsa/newbutt.html

  43. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, my!

  44. Lord Licorice says at 7:05 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Fisting, slings, cock-rings, tina … all part of my typical hump day.

  45. Texan Bulldoggette says at 7:20 pm, January 21st, 2009

    @Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul: I let out a Chris Matthews-esue “Ha” when I read ‘parsnips’. As for the dude who inserted the ice pick, whoa.

  46. Scandalabra says at 7:37 pm, January 21st, 2009

    That brought up memories of Folsom Street circa ‘79 and the smell of Crisco which are so out of sync with the hopey zeitgeist.

  47. June Cleaver 2.0 says at 7:41 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Michelle is my sexy June Cleaver, and Obama is my sexy Ward.

  48. If you use a 56k connection, the audio is broken up into very small bursts. The result is true Klingon, annoying, girly-girl Klingon, but still fucking Klingon. So, welcome, our new PUMA OverLordettes, welcome. (Clasps weenie pouch.) Earth is yours. Do no hurting to me, plz. I promise to read only romance novels and The Confluence.

  49. facehead says at 7:46 pm, January 21st, 2009

    All this time I thought it was the rusty trombone.

    My bad.

  50. Chuckie Jesus says at 8:08 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Whips chains and cockrings and showers of yella
    Short haired bulldaggers and tall hippie fellas
    Fifteen inch dildoes you tie on with strings
    These are a few of my favorite things

  51. Gayer Than Thou says at 9:26 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Now that they’re in the White House, I assume they’ll be able to re-install the Monroe sling in the Red Dungeon.

  52. facehead:

    Me thinks Mayor Fenty needs to teach them the “Washington Surprise” when in Rome…

  53. Monsieur Grumpe says at 9:57 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Country Fist!

  54. CuntryFirst says at 11:07 pm, January 21st, 2009

    Fisting or DOUBLE fisting? Michelle seems like the kind of lady that not only could handle two, but would demand two.

  55. bitchincamaro: By your abject disgust, you’ve merely encouraged Newell to exceed the final limits of bad taste.
    Instead, counter with praise, e.g.:
    1. Congratulations on finding a new frontier for onanism.
    2. Fisted? You have an excellent memory for how you earned lunch money in second grade.
    3. A “sit down” dinner, unlike for us all, for you must be a magic, unique, tingly experience.
    See? Easy.

  56. PeteJayhawk v2.0 says at 3:58 am, January 22nd, 2009

    Goddamn I’m late to this party.

    Would you friendly friends mind Digging this?

    http://digg.com/politics/Barack_and_Michelle_Who_DOESN_T_Like_A_Little_Fisting

  57. Dairy Queen says at 8:49 am, January 22nd, 2009

    Didnt Hopey have a meet and greet at Mary’s?…naturally

  58. GlennBecksFelch says at 2:30 pm, January 22nd, 2009

    I’m Ann Coulter and I approve this message.

  59. Purple Tide says at 2:42 pm, January 22nd, 2009

    All hail America’s Fist Black President!

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