HILARITY  2:03 pm January 20, 2009

A Full Minute And Seven Seconds Of Dick Cheney In His Wheelchair, Without Commentary

by Jim Newell

C-SPAN was made for these moments. We don’t need any play-by-play, we don’t need quick cut shots, we don’t need pundits — all we need is extended raw footage of Dick Cheney being pushed around in his wheelchair, clutching his panda-fur-coated cane, and eventually being thrown into a car destined for a steep ditch in Wyoming. [YouTube]

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mookworthjwilson January 20, 2009 at 2:06 pm

And now he’s off to close down the Bailey Building & Loan Association

crikey_booya January 20, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Cheney should have opted for a Rascal(tm) over a wheelchair!

N8Ma January 20, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Misty eyes over at Free Republic…

Niagara Falls…

Joehoya January 20, 2009 at 2:08 pm

How quickly he loses his strength without his government-provided supply of innocent babies to eat.

Purple Tide January 20, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Who, Rollerpig?

N8Ma January 20, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Whoah Al Roker is losing it!!!!!!!

crikey_booya January 20, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Cheney should have opted for a Rascal(tm) over a wheelchair!!!

LazloHollyfeld January 20, 2009 at 2:10 pm

I’ve seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy is a fake.

SayItWithWookies January 20, 2009 at 2:11 pm

Aren’t the Marines supposed to lay out a carpet of puppies for him to roll over?

4tehlulz January 20, 2009 at 2:12 pm

Hey, what did that ditch do to deserve Dick Cheney?

Mighty Rex January 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm

I am really truly curious as to what Dick’s history of support is concerning the Americans with Disabilities Act, but I just can’t get up the Google right now. I sure hope they didn’t add those ramps special for him.

Put him on a Segway(tm) for the troo laffs!

Advocatus_Diaboli January 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm

As Dick hobbles is wheeled off …

What a beautiful video.

BigDupa January 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm

Wasn’t he working at the time? If he has a phone, he has a lawyer! Look for a sweet workman’s comp line item stuffed into the stimulus plan.

Purple Tide January 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm

I think we can coin a phrase: Cheney just went “the Full Strangelove.”

donner_froh January 20, 2009 at 2:14 pm

He is surrounded by what looks like retired football players in topcoats but the person doing the real work of wheeling his fat as is a 110 lb woman.

Maybe she was the only one who really needed to keep her job and therefore wouldn’t dump him on the pavement to be kicked to death.

Wonks Adventure January 20, 2009 at 2:15 pm

[re=223595]LazloHollyfeld[/re]: dick cheney looked like the big lebowski *before* this happened. now? it’s uncanny.

NoWireHangers January 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Satan on wheels!

OffTheRecord January 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm

At first I felt kind of bad because I enjoyed seeing Cheney hurt and dependent on others. But then I decided it is okay to wish awful things on this man. He is an evil motherfucker who has devoted his life to torturing, maiming, shooting people in the face, and generally just ruining America. I hope he lives at least eight more and is fucking miserable for all of them because he has made me pretty damn miserable for the previous eight.

Purple Tide January 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Pat Buchanan is looking down at his withered junk as he ponders Obama’s “burial job.”

iolanthe January 20, 2009 at 2:17 pm

That’s no pulled muscle.

He looks weak and frail as shit. His body language signals total humiliation.

A girl can hope, anyway, can’t she?

CuntryFirst January 20, 2009 at 2:18 pm

[re=223607]Purple Tide[/re]: WIN

chascates January 20, 2009 at 2:18 pm

If only a bumper sticker on the back of his chair said ‘My other vehicle is a paddy wagon.’

Scarab January 20, 2009 at 2:21 pm

This is because as a secret grand wizard he once swore an oath to the burning cross that he’d “never walk into a black man’s inauguration.”

Pat Pending January 20, 2009 at 2:23 pm

I was hoping to see him ride into the Wyoming sunset, strapped to a runaway shetland pony, toes dragging through the dirt, listing side to side, until he finally breaks loose, hitting his temple on a sharp rock. vaya con dios!

Scarab January 20, 2009 at 2:24 pm

What would have made this video perfect was a steaming colostomy bag flopping onto the sidewalk as he was helped into the limo.

crikey_booya January 20, 2009 at 2:24 pm

All that ceremonial stuff, free car, free house, people singing your praises. Looks like fun. I call dibs on the next presidency!!!

Min January 20, 2009 at 2:24 pm

It’s all a clever ruse to keep the peasants from heaving rotten vegetables at him.

shortsshortsshorts January 20, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Fuck you, ABC. And fuck you, Cheney.

Capt. Renault January 20, 2009 at 2:26 pm


riffin1 January 20, 2009 at 2:27 pm

It’s a wonderful life. That’s Mr. Potter, right?

Dientes January 20, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Impotent Dick

BadKitty January 20, 2009 at 2:29 pm

[re=223613]OffTheRecord[/re]: I’m torn. I know I should feel empathy for the man because he is a fellow human being (maybe) and probably in pain (if he can even feel pain, who knows?). But I also want to wire his wheelchair w/ electrodes and turn into a portable electric chair and zap his ass while he flies down the stairs of the Capital and crashes and turns into a smoldering hunk of twisted metal and burning flesh.

wheelie January 20, 2009 at 2:29 pm

[re=223589]Joehoya[/re]: For sure. “My evil powers are receding . . . But know this, Earthlings, you have not seen the last of Richard Bruce Cheney. I will some day feast again on the marrow of your orphans, mwhahahaa.”

Fuck off and die, Dick.

choinski January 20, 2009 at 2:29 pm

I expect Dick to to his best Burgess Merideth while lavender smoke shoots out of his can. HEENGH HENNGH HENNGH.

Incredulicious January 20, 2009 at 2:30 pm

And FDR rolls in his grave.

superfecta January 20, 2009 at 2:30 pm


SwanSwanH January 20, 2009 at 2:30 pm


choinski January 20, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=223646]choinski[/re]: Fuck. “Shoots out of his Cane”.

shortsshortsshorts January 20, 2009 at 2:34 pm

[re=223646]choinski[/re]: [re=223653]choinski[/re]: I like “can” better. That was awesome.

Scandalabra January 20, 2009 at 2:34 pm

During the ceremony I kept hoping for a Battleship Potemkin moment on the stairs.

Ran January 20, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Mr Blifil January 20, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Manly Dick moves his own boxes but forces his bitch to push his saggy ass around when he’s out of commission. What a moran.

President X January 20, 2009 at 2:42 pm

Yay!!! THROW that Dick in a ditch! Drunk on Champagne here in Cali…….urp

blader January 20, 2009 at 2:47 pm

If you look carefully, you can see the needle marks in his neck, where they had to inject the horse sedative so they’d be able to restrain him before dragging him out of the west wing.

Keram2 January 20, 2009 at 2:52 pm

Strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete.

Larry McAwful January 20, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=223638]riffin1[/re]: “And a happy new year to you, George—in jail!”

(That’s exactly what I thought, too, as soon as I saw him wheeled out!)

TGY January 20, 2009 at 3:10 pm

Well, Dick always wanted to be a big wheel. Likewise, he gets to prod people in the ass with that cane. *jab* “Ex-VP comin’ through, so go fuck yourself.”

schvitzatura January 20, 2009 at 3:20 pm

Remo Gaggi and the Kansas City crew pulled the same stunt in Scorsese’s Casino, oxygen masks and canes…

Mr.Sazerac January 20, 2009 at 3:30 pm

A steep ditch in Wyoming? How about a jail cell in The Hague?

iolanthe January 20, 2009 at 3:35 pm


I’ve thought of an even more heinous punishment than a trial at the Hague:


Put ‘em out on the streets of an urban US downtown in the middle of the night, with $20, a used sleeping bag, no cash, and no ID. Or make them take a job as a sales associate at Wal-Mart. You get the idea …

blinky_twinkie January 20, 2009 at 3:45 pm

[re=223653]choinski[/re]: I’m with Shorts: I love the image of Emperor Palpatine laughing his Burgess Meredith cackle with lavender smoke shooting out of his ass.

pat robertsons personal trainer January 20, 2009 at 3:47 pm

the carpet pissers did this.

but, yeah, that guy didn’t even move his own stuff when he dodging the draft. no reason to think he suddenly felt the urge to brush his own teeth. that’s what smithers is for. this is just a pretext to getting some lighter treatment from those fine ladies and gentlemen at the Hague.

norbizness January 20, 2009 at 4:18 pm

Scandal: Or, for the pop culture literate, the Untouchables moment where Andy Garcia catches Dick Cheney and then shoots him. Damn, I don’t think Brian de Palma has ever had an original idea.

Fivetree January 20, 2009 at 5:14 pm

Second only to seeing Barry become #44 was seeing Dick Cheney in a wheelchair – reenacting Lionel Barrymore’s portrayal of Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life” with an eerie, pitch perfect performance. What would have been even better would be seeing the wheelchair, with occupant, hurled down the steps of the Capitol for the edification of the multitude.

Fivetree January 20, 2009 at 5:18 pm

[re=223648]Incredulicious[/re]: No, FDR would have managed to walk in this situation (or to do something that appeared to be walking) which makes Dick Cheney a total pussy. He was never filmed being wheeled about. Dick Cheney is not fit to even be the dirt on FDR’s shoes.

Toomush Infermashun January 20, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Coming out of the doorway, it’s like he suddenly realised he was a sad asswipe, raising his stupid hobo cane in acknowledgment of what most others have known for years…it’s probably not true, but lovely, lovely, anyway…

The Station Manager January 20, 2009 at 5:25 pm

This image from The Foggy Monocle is just about the best take on Wheelie McDickpants:

Bearbloke January 20, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Cheney’s human legs were prematurely packed-off to his new secure, undisclosed, tissue-matched-slave-staffed techno-crypt on his barren, uncharted, skull-shaped island near Dubai…


DangerousLiberal January 20, 2009 at 5:52 pm

[re=223617]iolanthe[/re]: Weak, frail and humiliated is the look he’s sportin’ for his new home–in Den Haag, as our Dutch friends call it. He might be cellie with Rado, as far as we know. Anyway, the new frail and unhardy Cheney will be just an old man who knew nothing of the camps and torture and mass graves and—oh, shit, I got him confused with one of those 90 year old former SS guys we deport once a year. Ooops, no, double checking, maybe I’m not.

I was hoping that Hopey’s inauguration would cause me to be less snarky and to become an all around better person. That lasted about seven hours, like all my New Year’s resolutions….

Norbert January 20, 2009 at 6:42 pm

steep ditch in Wyoming? how about the pit of Sarlacc? which may also be in Wyoming, not sure.

Pinto January 20, 2009 at 7:10 pm

Your revolution’s over! The bums lost!

Buffalodavid January 20, 2009 at 8:05 pm

Metaphor, metaphor. All is metaphor.

MrHacks January 20, 2009 at 8:08 pm

FDR would FROWN upon Cheney. At least FDR made people NOT know about his disability.

Reguardless, I think Cheney needs some much needed rehabilitation at Guantanamo Bay where they have an excellent program called “Getting Over Your Disability in 40 Steps”

heathenish January 20, 2009 at 8:56 pm

that image just brings so much to mind. first – I figured he hurt himself trying to move his man safe, but then figured he was scammin’ for some workman’s comp. (cause he didn’t get enough money from the whole halliburton thing) but then I thought he was trying to get the sympathy vote of the American public, “aaahhhh poor dick is hurt”, (which who the fuck cares? NO ONE!) and then I thought you know how on a sports team sometimes the best player will fake an injury so that the opposition is fooled into thinking that player is out of the game? well what ever… at least he’s not in control of the country any more. Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we’re free at last!

kierabs January 20, 2009 at 9:27 pm

[re=223649]superfecta[/re]: If this is an allusion to Avenue Q, the musical, then you are an amazing person.

Also I can’t help but imagine that the gigantic bag slung over the shoulder of the woman pushing Cheney’s chair is full of diapers and catheters.

Chautauqua January 20, 2009 at 10:32 pm

maybe the pardon in his pocket prevents im from walking!

otto January 20, 2009 at 11:36 pm

[re=223585]mookworthjwilson[/re]: Thanks for the Potter reference, that was my first thought too: “Look at you. You used to be so cocky. You were going to go out and conquer the world. You once called me a warped, frustrated, old man! What are you but a warped, frustrated young man?”

museum of folly January 21, 2009 at 12:51 am
villageatrois January 21, 2009 at 6:21 am

This is an all-time, perfect video. Cheney has his Penguin cane, and Penguin monocle (plus a spare Penguin monocle for the other eye). And he is being wheeled out of the Capitol, feet first. And due to extremely graceful sound editing, you can’t tell whether he said “Rose Bud”, or “pooped pants”.

Could be deception, sure, but it’s very satisfying at face value. If he turns up next week in Paraguay in a man-kini, let’s nuke ‘em.

Stovernsky January 21, 2009 at 11:08 am

Hey the clip ended too soon.
As the limo was pulling away you could clearly see Cheney pulling out all kinds of manilla envelopes or file folders and shuffling through papers. Perhaps his wheelchairboundness was a ruse for rustling out some damning evidence tucked under his rumpus.

otisfatboy January 21, 2009 at 1:10 pm

Bet he voted against those ramps.

TheRabbleRouser January 21, 2009 at 3:16 pm

YOU THINK THIS IS GOOD, CHECK OUT DICK CHENEY PARTING GIFT. There’s a petition to push Congress to investigate the evil bastard. Very funny video of people telling Cheney off: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmdQSnnh5UY

BuckfullerMincedher January 23, 2009 at 5:13 am

unfortunately, just minutes after this footage was shot, there was a terrible accident ………


eve murphy January 25, 2009 at 11:19 am

Cheney in that wheelchair with his cane and sour face–he could now become a character actor–maybe do the old 40′s play “The Man Who Came to Dinner”–a curmudgeon type

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