Wonkette
Hey so like half an hour before our very first black president EVER was sworn in, which is to say, when there wasn’t a whole lot going on, anywhere, CNN decided to notify various press outlets that they had released a rush transcript of Wolf Blitzer explaining the techmologies behind their new space alien spybot in the sky. It was very informative! Press release after the jump.
On today’s special coverage, The Inauguration of Barack Obama, Wolf Blitzer explained the satellite CNN is using to capture the crowds gathered on the National Mall. A full transcript follows.
The image will be part of the photosynth CNN is creating in partnership with Microsoft. Learn more at www.cnn.com/themoment.
Please credit all usage to CNN
Full Transcript
THIS IS A RUSH FDCH TRANSCRIPT. THIS COPY MAY NOT BE IN ITS FINAL FORM AND MAY BE UPDATED.
WOLF BLITZER, CNN ANCHOR: I also want to let our viewers know we’re going to be doing something rather extraordinary in the next few minutes. We’ve ordered an exterior shot of the Mall from way up in space. A satellite image will take a picture of what’s happening here in Washington, D.C. GeoEye 6 satellite, to be precise. We’re going to get the view from space. We’re going to turn that picture around as quickly as we can, and you’re going to see what this would look like if you were flying overhead from space, from a satellite. It’s going to be, Anderson, a pretty amazing shot. I don’t think –
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN ANCHOR: How do you work up a satellite?
BLITZER: David Bohrman, our Washington bureau chief…
COOPER: If anyone knows how to call up a satellite, it’s David Bohrman.
BLITZER: … does that. He just makes a phone call. He says, get me the picture from that satellite. And we’re going to show it to our viewers in the United States and around the world. We try, as all of our viewers by now know, to do some unusual, extraordinary technological –
COOPER: Hopefully, there won’t be clouds.
—-END—-
David Bohrman is the most powerful man in the world.
I vote CNN sends Anderson & Wolf back to Gaza.
Now Campbell Brown’s hologram can go anywhere in the world.
CNN will combine this with their crappy hologram technology to deliver Star Trek beamificationz. Let’s hope the first one through the portal is Wolf Blitzer, and the result is what happened to the monkey in “The Fly” remake.
Ron Paul has just issued the following press release:
IN ORDER TO PROTECT OUR CIVIL LIBERTARIAN PRIVACIES ON PAGE 1 OF THE CONSTITUTION OF INDEPENDENCE I HAVE ORDERED THE PROPOGATION AND INFLATION OF 5 MILLION BLIMPS TO PROTECT PATRIOTS FROM BEING PHOTOGRAPHED FROM SPACE DANCIN AND ANAL. ALSO.
CRYSTAL PEPSI REVOLUTION!!1111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, great. Now I’m going to have to make a tin-foil hat to jam CNN mind-broadcast technology otherwise LIFE-SIZED CAMPBELL BROWNS IN MY FRONTAL LOBE!
I’m just happy fucking Sea Ehn Ehn didn’t go all Princess Leia Cheezie 70s Hologram on us.
Can CNN now see what I was doing while I was looking at the monster sized picture of Campbell Brown?
The alt-text is so good it is worth posting one thousand crappy CNN press releases.
How about giving Wolfy a view of the events from roughly the heliopause.
“Say ‘Hi’ to Mr. Sagan for us.”
Ding Dong the Witch is dead. So long W!
Note to CNN, I don’t care what’s on the fucking menu as I’m having Pre Hope Campbell’s soup from a tin and some PB sandwiches for Lunch.
If anyone knows how to call up a satellite, it’s David Bohrman.
Is that so Anderson, is that so?
Television is like religion.
If CNN has this technology, why did they wait to use it until now?
They should have beamed the Boy King up into the vast vacuum of space, where his brain would have felt much more at home.
ManchuCandidate: You’re having soup AND sammiches? Wealthy elitist.
What the fuck?! Enough with the spybots and holograms… how about they try hiring, I don’t know, a reporter? Maybe?
But then again, they’re the professionals.
Lascauxcaveman:
Special day calls for a special meal. Be back to Hobo beans tomorrow.
Hmmm, Bohrman? So it’s a Nazi satellite?
That fancy satellite is a big fat queer.
bitchincamaro: Yup. GOI6. It was built to deep-six the goyim.
What now? I got distracted by Anne Francis’s legs.
villageatrois: Oops. That’s “Nope”, though the difference between Yup and Nope is just splitting hairs.
CNN, Ted way down in ole confederate Gogah! Right after President Obama’s oath and speech they had a big ole picture of W waving bye bye, up forever on their interweb tubepage, not our new president but some loser on a helicopter. WTF? They are totally onboard with this change thing.
TGY: You mean the guy in the tinfoil hat on by the capitol? That would be the pride of Oklahoma, Sen. James Inhofe (of the total douche party).
He’ll believe in global warming when they roast his sorry ass in hell. That would be change I would actively believe in.
IT GOOD TO SEE THE FIRST BLACK RULLING AMERICA I LOVE US.