Liveblogging President Obama's Gettysburg Address To His Nation Of Slobs

Oh man, he got away with it! He's now president even though he was born in like Kenya or communist Africa or whatever! Enjoy being Muslims, America, because that is exactly what you became when Barry spewed his secret snake code all over Abraham Lincoln's 400-pound brown hellbox, the Bible. Let's liveblog his declaration of jihad against you people, the whites.

12: 06 -- Your associate editor hears the loud cannons very clearly outside his house. The Holy War has begun!

12: 07 -- BTW, he stuttered in that oath and may have mixed up a few words, so that is the new reason why his presidency is illegitimate! Bill's in the mail, PUMAs.

12: 08 -- Obama is taking office among terrible conditions such as... a few weather metaphors. And the lack of money everywhere.

12: 09 -- "Homes have been lost, jobs shed... our schools fail..." Well that has all been your fault for 10 minutes now, Mr. War President. Fuck your Iraq War etc.Why are you not giving me money right now Hussein?

12: 10 -- "We'll fix all that bunk though, chill."

12: 11 -- "The time has come to set aside childish things." Oh this must be the revamped part of the speech where he always yells at us to turn our Xboxes off.

12: 12 -- Ugh he is going to force us to "make things" again, like the white ethnic immigrants. Well screw that. Make your own damn "exportable product," tradey.

12: 13 -- He is literally mandating us all to perform rigorous manual labor by 2:30 p.m.

12: 14 -- He says we'll fix our colleges "to meet the demands of a new age." How did that shit move up the priority list? FIX THE COLLEGES?

12: 15 -- Calls out the cynics for being cynics. Look buddy, we're just trying to make it through the day here.

12: 16 -- Can't let the rich be the massive benefactors of all economic growth. Hmm... Barry, we don't think this was on the script Bilderberg gave you?

12: 17 -- He says that earlier generations shot down "fascism and communism" not just with "weapons and tanks." Well the first one was kinda shot down by weapons and tanks exclusively... but still, yeah, Clinton over there at State, doing the talky with other countries.

12: 19 -- Tuff talk to the enemies: "We will defeat you." Can we just leave instead?

12: 19 -- He calls America a country of Muslims! Get in your bomb shelters!

12: 20 -- Something about a "bitter swill." This speech, like many others, was written in a Boston tavern right around the Stamp Act.

12: 21 -- We shouldn't just bomb random brown countries like this douchebag over here did.

12: 22 -- Dick Cheney is dreaming of a sweet bite of Obama's leg meat, with STEAMED RADISHES.

12: 23 -- Uh yeah, "Be patriots" or whatever.

12: 24 -- "Also, I'm black, so that's like a whole new thing we got goin' on."

12: 25 -- Tells terribly graphic tale of blood-stained carcasses and snow and murder and death boils during the Revolutionary War.

12: 26 -- Still, George Washington won that war.

12: 26 -- I'm the black president, peace out, sluts.

12: 27 -- Oh now we've got this poet. IT BETTER BE PRETTY *fist shake*

12: 28 -- First line: "Each day we go about our business." SNOOZE -- BOO THE FRAUD.

12: 29 -- This is just like the third or fourth paragraph in the first chapter of a fake-good book. You know, it's "prose."

12: 30 -- She is totally wearing a Snuggie. 

12: 31 -- Sara is angry that they didn't pick another poet, because Sara knows all poets, because she went to Harvard. She literally never shuts up about how she went to Harvard.

12: 32 -- Poem over.

12: 32 -- Rich Lowry is giving the benediction! Go get 'em, Starburst!

12: 32 -- So... this thing kinda cooled off after the big speech, eh?

12: 34 -- No, this is not Rich Lowry. It's his older brother, Charlie Rangel. OH this is the dude who was picked because he loves the gays, as the counter to fat queer Rick Warren. Can we just have our soap operas back, plz?

12: 35 -- There is a shit-ton of "God" at this thing, no?

12: 36 -- Obama looks terrified, ha. OMG he actually has to be president now. Didn't ever think THAT would happen, did you , n00bama?

12: 37 -- Starburst's brother says something about the "yellow" people and everyone laughs. Ha ha, it's acceptable to be racist to Asians in this country still, so at least we've got that.

12: 38 -- End of prayer! A Navy chorus sings "God Save The Queen." That is the end of this liveblog, we think. Someone else should do one soonish. Congrats, Barry!