whoa check this out

Liveblogging the Actual Most Historical Thing Ever, Since the Moon Landing

Wait, what?!It is actually a beautiful, sunny day in Washington D.C., in the freezing winter! The people are hopey, happy, etc. Allah really does want this Barack Obama character to become president, of Earth. Let us now continue the patriotic liveblogging of this Inauguration Day Inaugural Special, from Washington, where somehow another Bush is not becoming president today.

11:20 AM — Previous Inaugural Day liveblogs are here, and also here.
11:20 AM — “Ahm all right,” says mean old Barbara Bush Sr., as she leaves poor hobbling George H.W. Bush Sr. all alone, stuck on the cold metal steps.
11:21 AM — And now a live shot of … a white moving van. Boxes. These boxes, or boxes like them, are American Heroes — because one of these boxes crippled Dick Cheney!
11:21 AM — Here comes Dollar Bill Clinton and the would-be Secretary of State. The crowd loves ‘em! And David Vitter — the shit-eating hooker-using Diaperman of the GOP — voted against her, while John Cornyn, the “dildo cowboy,” has blocked the appointment. Great men, both of them.
11:22 AM — HOTNESS BABE ALERT, as the Bush Twins are seated. Jenna looks dazed, as usual, while Young Barbara is so pretty. How is she related to her parents and grandparents? She’s not — like Lauren Bush and Pierce Bush, Young Barbara was grown in the super-secret laboratory at Kennebunkport.
11:24 AM — CUTENESS ALERT omg look at the Obama girls.
11:25 PM — GROSS ALERT good christ Lynne Cheney, you suck the life and joy out of the entire National Mall.
11:26 AM — But just for a moment, because look at that crowd. And look at Aretha Franklin! She will sing the National Anthem. Did you know she is a Civil Rights Icon? It’s true! (She was also very funny in The Blues Brothers.)
11:27 AM — The older Obama girl, Malia, is gorgeous. Look at that purple coat with the faux-fur trim. Jesus, who makes clothes like that for little girls? This entire country is going to start dressing a lot better, isn’t it? (That is your editor’s Hope, for this Nation of Slobs.)
11:28 AM — Wow, Michelle’s dress. That is crazy. Nobody else could pull that off, except, maybe, Audrey Hepburn or something.
11:32 AM — Well, George W. Bush Junior, you sad buffoon, we will be gracious today, and just say HOORAY FOR EARTH, YOU ARE GOING BACK TO TEXAS. If there’s anything good to say about him, this cunt, it’s that we fully expected Washington (and the whole planet) to be a smoking lifeless ruin by now.
11:34 AM — Your editor is now going to take a few minutes to watch this with his young sons, in the living room, because wtf.
11:39 AM — Here comes Mr. Cool, your almost president. But first, Joe Biden needs to come out and tell some jokes about Pakistanis or whatever.
11:41 AM — Can you imagine what’s on the collective Fox News Viewer brain, at this moment?
11:43 AM — Let’s check in again. Ugh, so quiet and joyless and somber. But of course … a black half-muslin.
11:43 AM — “Ladies and gentlemen, the president elect of the United States of America, Barack H. Obama.”
11:44 AM — Hey, what does that H stand for, anyway?
11:44 AM — “OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA!” So that’s what the H stands for, as a couple of million people are chanting this, right now.
11:46 AM — Diane Feinstein is in charge of this whole thing! She apparently is in favor of “ballots over bullets,” which is the usual far-left California moonbattery.
11:48 AM — Oh hey it’s that fat queer Rick Warren.
11:49 AM — Jesus fucking christ, this classy event is now stained by this jackhole mall-church porpoise-driven fake-laugh bullshit.
11:50 AM — And yet, there are hundreds of black people in the CNN crowd shots with eyes closed and hands clasped together. There are even women in half-muslin headcloths in the crowd, seemingly praying to the American God of Malls.
11:52 AM — Rick Warren said “Malia and Sasha” like some Mexican porn narrator.
11:52 AM — Will this country ever be free from this dimbulb religious nuttery? How is this rich, powerful country still crippled by this nonsense? Whatever, let’s listen to Aretha.
11:54 AM — The range isn’t there anymore, 40-plus years since her Motown Atlantic Records classics, but she’s working the limits with a good soul-y growl. And the choir is helping out. Hah, and she gets in some of those high notes anyway. Nice.
11:56 AM — It is too bad how the White House Christmas Tree bow tragically fell on her head, but she still looks great, at what, 75 years old?
11:57 AM — Biden, you nut! Here, now, as he takes his oath, this oaf, we realize the genius of picking Gaffey Joe for vice president. He seems absolutely cuddly compared to the evil wheelchair-bound Bond villain we’ve just said good-bye to, on teevee. Let’s say it again, together: GOOD-BYE DICK CHENEY, YOU EVIL MOTHERFUCKER. THANKS TO ALLAH FOR FORCING YOU TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE A BLACK MAN BECOME PRESIDENT! NOW FUCK OFF AND DIE.
11:59 AM — And now famous Hollywood composer John Williams will conduct the “Imperial March,” as Cheney is wheeled into a vat of cooking oil.
12:00 PM — So, the Constitution says the president must be sworn in by Noon, right? NOBAMA EVER.
12:01 PM — YIKES, what? Wolf Blitzer just talked over Yo Yo Ma to say that, even though the oath has not been given, Barack Obama is now legally, and technically, the president of the United States. No wonder he’s smiling so much at this fruity music. Oh wait, now he’s not. Now his eyes are closed and he looks serious. Michelle just squeezed his shoulder, which is the secret “Uh dude you are president now” fist jab.
12:03 PM — Next up, your own Jim Newell, with the exciting Inaugural Address liveblog, plus the 21-gun salute, and mass craziness. You must stay tuned!
12:04 PM — Ha, now whenever people ask Yo Yo Ma, “What were you doing when Barack Obama became president?”, he can say, “I was cold playing the cello for him.”
12:05 PM — John Roberts just called him “Senator.” So rude!
12:05 PM — “Congratulations, Mr. President.”
12:05 PM — So, that happened.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

303 comments

  1. hockeymom

    The men of FOX news are slobbering over Michelle Obama. They’ve proclaimed her “amazing and beautiful”…
    Britt thinks Jill looks good, too. Cause she’s white.

  2. Mighty Rex

    Pls tell me Obama is wearing a Brooks Brothers suit today, b/c that would signal the new American style resurgence. All that other hopey shit, who cares.

  3. smellyal8r

    [re=222910]DoctorCulturae[/re]: And the NYSE will magickly go up 10,000 points!!! Hooray! Recession ovah!

  4. pocket Liz

    Bush Sr. gave some dude in the military what I like to call a “good game tap?” Did anyone else see/enjoy that?

  5. LuckyJim

    Time now for Khmer Rouge-style new-order resetting of the calendar, I say.

    USA Year Zero, bitches! (uhh, minus the genocide, of course – but the forced work camp retraining sessions would be okay, I suppose).

  6. WadISay

    Chris Matthews just remarked that you can see a lot of white teeth from all the smiles. Chris, go down this road very carefully.

    Sasha and Malia, oh for the cute! ((*clasps hands over chest and swoons*))

  7. hockeymom

    Young Barbara Bush has the fake, sorority girl smile on…you know she’s saying bitter, bitter things to her sister thru gritted teeth.

  8. DoctorCulturae

    Well. I guess the MSM will have a difficult time explaining the spontaneous singing and booing of Dub. Isn’t this what happens when dissent is manipulated and squashed.

  9. lazyb

    O Michelle pretty! Lots of sparkly stuff for mid-day. Can that be the new fashion thing-y? Sparkly all day?

  10. smellyal8r

    [re=222925]pocket Liz[/re]: Yeah…crazy old coot!
    [re=222924]jagorev[/re]: It’s by some Cuban/American designer…let’s call it “inaugural tobacco leaf gold”

  11. DustBowlBlues

    How cute to see Bush with that idiot grin, as usual, plastered on his face and Cheney literally turning into a bobblehead as the camera can’t quite get him and bush in the same frame. Oh, how delicious is vengenance.

    How will I stop myself from racing through my corner of Real America and shouting, “Eat it, racists.” Which would have ramifications on my life here–really.

  12. Lascauxcaveman

    Shit! There’s Old Man Potter in his wheelchair. Screw you, Potter! The Bailey Home & Loan is NOT for sale!

  13. assholette

    Cheney couldn’t look any more like the penguin unless he swapped that cane for a sleeping gas shooting umbrella

  14. DustBowlBlues

    Fuck, this is hard as being president. I’m running from wonkette the one tv with BET, another with BBCA and a third with PBS, then I’m tryingn to keep up with NPR.

    I am too old for this multi-tasking.

  15. pepe

    wonkette ran out of snark! “11:34 AM — Your editor is now going to take a few minutes to watch this with his young sons, in the living room, because wtf.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  16. NoWireHangers

    [re=222951]smellyal8r[/re]: The amount of Love America has for Barack = The amount of Hate America has for W

  17. Colander

    [re=222935]hockeymom[/re]: She’s wondering who’s looking after the ghetto, what with all of ‘them’ here right now.

  18. texette

    Oh, how I dislike the douchy John Cornyn! I can’t believe my state re-elected him.

    Can’t he cling to his religion and guns silently… with a muzzle? Move.on John, just Move.on.

  19. hockeymom

    I can’t decide which is worse…Tweety and Olbermann squabbling or Britt Hume muttering how Bush kept us safe, forever and ever.

  20. DustBowlBlues

    I’ve just added MSNBC. I shall, however, have my butt in front of only one chair for this point—-Bidin in!

  21. smellyal8r

    Gosh darn it, I love Joe Biden. The gaffemeister will give us plenty of yuks for the next four years…

  22. Mighty Rex

    Voldemort in the wheelchair is the Best. Thing. Ever.

    I wonder if he’ll turn to dust at The Moment?

  23. smellyal8r

    Man…it’s finally about to happen. The executive orders spilling off the printer today will totally overwhelm Mrs. Landingham…

  24. Lascauxcaveman

    [crowd shot]

    Look, there’s Kev-o-tron, anonymously crowd-groping a chick and a dude simultaneously! Go for it, Kev!

  25. p-Sludge

    jeez. now it occurs to me. rove or somebody said “dick old boy here’s the thing: we put you out there with your glasses in a wheelchair. You’ll totally steal the FDR-thunder from Obama. George, at exactly 11:59 am, you pull out your stove-pipe hat and fake beard. After that public swearing-in moment, nobody will ever associate Obama with either of those 2 icons again. It will be you guys all the way.”

  26. bluetom00

    CNN needs to boot Bill Bennett’s big ass and get Kathy Griffin to yell at people about their dicks and mouths and whatnot.

  27. 4tehlulz

    >>Can you imagine what’s on the collective Fox News Viewer brain, at this moment?

    Has anyone checked Confluence lately?

  28. smellyal8r

    Dianne: It is my sad duty to report that George Moscone and Harvey Milk have been shot…what? Oh…here’s my script”

  29. hockeymom

    I love that Bill gave Hillary a little squeeze when Obama shook her hand. That’s a nice husband.
    I also love that step-grandma from keyna is there…smiling her head off!

  30. The Decider

    I took a quick look over at Fox. They’re actually being pretty gracious. Shep managed to sneak in a little snark here and there but overall he’s not being a douche.

  31. Scott-san

    Ouch, Dianne. I’m realizing that every speech today about this being “turning point” is a dagger in Dubya’s heart.

    Good.

  32. p-Sludge

    “the ballot over the bullet”. hmm. no mention of suppressing the vote, judicial malfeasance, other things which put in Bush twice.

  33. tunamelt

    [re=223013]The Decider[/re]: Shep is the one actual journalist over there and it’s sort of hilarious to watch him slowly crack with the other folks he works with.

  34. DustBowlBlues

    Warren is so lame. I hope Rev. Lowery–the retired U Methodist, if I haven’t mentioned it yet today–blows them away.

  35. SkimLatteModerate

    Rick Warren is tolerable if you add “except the gays” to the end of each faux-impassioned sentence.

  36. p-Sludge

    “Today the real test of power is not the capacity to make revolution but the capacity to prevent it.”
    – Anne O’Hare McCormick. not.

  37. lazyb

    Begone, you fat fuck pastor. He’s wanting God to forgive people for not respecting others. He better fucking hope so.

  38. El Bombastico

    This is an epic fail for Internet 2.0. I can get no stream from any site. CNN/Facebook told me they were putting me in a queue to watch their crappy amateurish coverage. SCREW YOU CNN! You will not succeed in destroying hope and freedom.

  39. Colander

    Rick Warren: “God, God, Race, America, blood, freedom, justice, no homo, God, respect, forgiveness…”

  40. NoWireHangers

    Everyone loves each other today! Well, at least those freezing their asses off collectively in DC

  41. OffTheRecord

    Don’t you dare speak the name of the Obama children you creep! Ugh. This is a fucking long prayer.

  42. p-Sludge

    and gawd said: “you see me typing; if you don’t see me typing; whatever the f*ck you see me doing, “

  43. Sazerac

    I was under the, obviously wrong, impression that this hater of gays was only being given two minutes to pray that the Republicans could have a do-over of the election.

    Wow, this could be known as the alienation prayer. Yikes.

    Amen. He’s finished.

  44. jagorev

    OMG THE CHRISTIAN PASTOR GUY MENTIONED “JESUS”

    The libtards will be outraged. I think I hear Glenn Greenwald starting up a 10,000 word essay right now.

  45. DustBowlBlues

    BBC says Ric Warren in now our national chaplain. Hold on to your horses, Limey. I’m going back to PBS.

  46. p-Sludge

    and that is why gawd looks out today at the president and his precious fambily and says “GIT R DUNNN!”

  47. Joehoya

    ABC apparently is running old B-roll from their station sign of tapes while Arethra Franklin sings. I fully expect them to go to a test pattern at the end of the song.

  48. Serolf Divad

    It was so much better last time when Ted Nugent sang “America the Beautiful” then shot 10 point buck from across the mall with a compound bow shaped flaming guitar.

  49. smellyal8r

    Now, the playing of Hail Columbia…the vice presidential music…Cheney has dissolved back to mercury to reform himself.

  50. bfstevie@yahoo.com

    Did anyone notice that JR Ewing is standing behind Joe Biden as he’s being sworn in?

    On this solemn, yet joyous occasion all Wonkettes should take a moment and talk smack about Bill Kristol.

  51. Hello Sunshine

    I’m sat in my office in London and am probably still closer to the Capitol than the people at the back of the crowd…

  52. Hello Sunshine

    Now that Joe Biden’s been sworn in, does he get to be president for a very brief period if Dubya keels over in the next three minutes, perhaps due to the cold?

  53. ManchuCandidate

    Damn that is some uber quartet! And Star Wars guy composed it without the Darth Vader inspired riffs.

  54. Colander

    Can I be real, guys? Was kinda hoping the Jonas Brothers would be doing this performance. Kinda sad right now.

  55. AmazingLarry

    “Air in Simple Gifts” originally written for Ewok funeral scene in Return of the Jedi. True story.

  56. smellyal8r

    [re=223104]bfstevie@yahoo.com[/re]: OK. Dr Kristol is a douchebag tool who should be drawn and quartered for the enjoyment of all.

  57. Joehoya

    Since John Williams composed this, I was expecting something along the lines of the Throne Room theme from Star Wars. Instead, it’s more the violin piece from Shindler’s List.

  58. p-Sludge

    They had the righties on their side with Rick Warren. Now the crowd will turn ugly due to the, ahem, “jazz”.

  59. TheMacWonk

    John Williams and Yo Yo Ma? Wasn’t this actually part of an episode of The West Wing? The one where Josh couldn’t listen to music or something?

    Liberals are classy, I’ll give ‘em that.

  60. Mustang

    How can that cello sound so flipping good in freezing weather? There must be some magic juju on it. Aretha sounded weak, but she still has some powerful magic juju.

  61. chascates

    Anyone know if Barbara Jordan is buried in the State Cemetary here in Austin? I’d like to take today’s paper and lay it on her grave.

  62. LuckyJim

    Ken – It was a different part of the country than Motown. Aretha was on the Atlantic label with the great Jerry Wexler producing when she was belting out “Baby, I Love You” and all those other gems.

  63. Mustang

    Remember this time four years ago when we were watching the presidential oaf of office? This is much much better.

  64. Hello Sunshine

    WOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Shame he fucked up the oath massively, but what the hell.

    Note to Americans: The rest of the world now likes you again. Well done.

  65. p-Sludge

    the illuminati just caused my cnn feed to block out his actual “i do”. I presume he did, because of the music and cannons and everything.

  66. Colander

    Guantanamo is being sucked into another universe as we speak!

    I feel like America just won a Grammy, y’all!

  67. smellyal8r

    The oath was kind of a cluster. A nervous President and a jittery Chief Justice. I guess it took, no?

  68. p-Sludge

    … and I thank Bill Kristol for informing me that Bush indeed did serve his nation. I did not know that.

  69. SkimLatteModerate

    [re=223165]teebob2000[/re]: Seriously, about how long will it take the PUMA/bigfoot hunters to insist since he didn’t say it word for word he’s not actually president? I’m serious. Bets?

  70. p-Sludge

    the pugs up there have to be triply nervous:
    1) fear of hicks who want to attack obama
    2) fear nation/world who want to imprison them
    3) fear of a non-con planet

  71. twowheeljunkie

    “The time has come to put aside childish things.”

    Does that mean I can’t read Wonkette anymore?

  72. p-Sludge

    I just hope “science” will engineer nanobots to go after the neocon criminals if the administration won’t do it themselves.

  73. HMS Nerd

    Wow, that last bit @TheTerrorists was so much more effective than W’s “with or against us” line. Completely called out Mugabe just now for blaming the west for things like Cholera and superhyperinflation.

  74. Sazerac

    He’s saying that now that he’s in charge I have to depend on the rest of you for everything. I knew this wasn’t going to go my way. Bring back the free spending Republicans NOW!

  75. AmazingLarry

    Poetry….is….now….prose…..read….haltingly……and…..missing……modifiers……
    occasionally….. Where is now working to achieve so glorious humble exalted discord unicorn butterfly?

  76. iolanthe

    [re=223014]lazyb[/re]: I hate Dianne Feinstein. What a worthless Senator. Never met a piece of intrusive bullshit nannystate legislation, especially Drug War crap, that she didn’t love. But she’s just a nannystater for us peasants. Business and LE can do whatever the fuck they want. And, like Lieberman, she’s pretty much Feinstein (D-Israel).

    They say she’s going to run for Cali Governor. Oh please, God, no.

  77. iolanthe

    [re=223157]revmod[/re]: Yeah … they said it was a riff on “Simple Gifts”, a lot of versions of which include that “Lord of the Dance” tune, too.

    Itzhak-Baby can really *play* that thing … I got little butterflies …

  78. iolanthe

    [re=223171]OffTheRecord[/re]: Do they have an “I SURVIVED THE BUSH/CHENEY ADMINISTRATION” t-shirt yet?

  79. DeLand DeLakes

    No snark for me today, just happy tears.

    Okay, here’s some snark: OMG DICK CHENEY I’M SO GLAD YOUR WITHERED BABOON HEART HELD OUT LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO SEE THIS, YOU TWISTED OLD FUCK.

    Now excuse me, I am going to go walk into the nearest bar and buy everybody a round of drinks.

  80. hobospacejungle

    [re=223140]chascates[/re]: “Anyone know if Barbara Jordan is buried in the State Cemetary here in Austin?”

    YES

  81. Gallowglass

    If he was gonna do a rap bit I was kinda hoping for the “Now a word from the President,” bit in the Gheto Boys “Damn it feels Good to Be a Gangsta”. More particularly, the “Now I got the world swingin’ from my nuts, and damn, it feels good to be a gangsta”

    Typed through the tears. Grats, America

Comments are closed.