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Wait, what?!It is actually a beautiful, sunny day in Washington D.C., in the freezing winter! The people are hopey, happy, etc. Allah really does want this Barack Obama character to become president, of Earth. Let us now continue the patriotic liveblogging of this Inauguration Day Inaugural Special, from Washington, where somehow another Bush is not becoming president today.

11:20 AM — Previous Inaugural Day liveblogs are here, and also here.
11:20 AM — “Ahm all right,” says mean old Barbara Bush Sr., as she leaves poor hobbling George H.W. Bush Sr. all alone, stuck on the cold metal steps.
11:21 AM — And now a live shot of … a white moving van. Boxes. These boxes, or boxes like them, are American Heroes — because one of these boxes crippled Dick Cheney!
11:21 AM — Here comes Dollar Bill Clinton and the would-be Secretary of State. The crowd loves ’em! And David Vitter — the shit-eating hooker-using Diaperman of the GOP — voted against her, while John Cornyn, the “dildo cowboy,” has blocked the appointment. Great men, both of them.
11:22 AM — HOTNESS BABE ALERT, as the Bush Twins are seated. Jenna looks dazed, as usual, while Young Barbara is so pretty. How is she related to her parents and grandparents? She’s not — like Lauren Bush and Pierce Bush, Young Barbara was grown in the super-secret laboratory at Kennebunkport.
11:24 AM — CUTENESS ALERT omg look at the Obama girls.
11:25 PM — GROSS ALERT good christ Lynne Cheney, you suck the life and joy out of the entire National Mall.
11:26 AM — But just for a moment, because look at that crowd. And look at Aretha Franklin! She will sing the National Anthem. Did you know she is a Civil Rights Icon? It’s true! (She was also very funny in The Blues Brothers.)
11:27 AM — The older Obama girl, Malia, is gorgeous. Look at that purple coat with the faux-fur trim. Jesus, who makes clothes like that for little girls? This entire country is going to start dressing a lot better, isn’t it? (That is your editor’s Hope, for this Nation of Slobs.)
11:28 AM — Wow, Michelle’s dress. That is crazy. Nobody else could pull that off, except, maybe, Audrey Hepburn or something.
11:32 AM — Well, George W. Bush Junior, you sad buffoon, we will be gracious today, and just say HOORAY FOR EARTH, YOU ARE GOING BACK TO TEXAS. If there’s anything good to say about him, this cunt, it’s that we fully expected Washington (and the whole planet) to be a smoking lifeless ruin by now.
11:34 AM — Your editor is now going to take a few minutes to watch this with his young sons, in the living room, because wtf.
11:39 AM — Here comes Mr. Cool, your almost president. But first, Joe Biden needs to come out and tell some jokes about Pakistanis or whatever.
11:41 AM — Can you imagine what’s on the collective Fox News Viewer brain, at this moment?
11:43 AM — Let’s check in again. Ugh, so quiet and joyless and somber. But of course … a black half-muslin.
11:43 AM — “Ladies and gentlemen, the president elect of the United States of America, Barack H. Obama.”
11:44 AM — Hey, what does that H stand for, anyway?
11:44 AM — “OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA!” So that’s what the H stands for, as a couple of million people are chanting this, right now.
11:46 AM — Diane Feinstein is in charge of this whole thing! She apparently is in favor of “ballots over bullets,” which is the usual far-left California moonbattery.
11:48 AM — Oh hey it’s that fat queer Rick Warren.
11:49 AM — Jesus fucking christ, this classy event is now stained by this jackhole mall-church porpoise-driven fake-laugh bullshit.
11:50 AM — And yet, there are hundreds of black people in the CNN crowd shots with eyes closed and hands clasped together. There are even women in half-muslin headcloths in the crowd, seemingly praying to the American God of Malls.
11:52 AM — Rick Warren said “Malia and Sasha” like some Mexican porn narrator.
11:52 AM — Will this country ever be free from this dimbulb religious nuttery? How is this rich, powerful country still crippled by this nonsense? Whatever, let’s listen to Aretha.
11:54 AM — The range isn’t there anymore, 40-plus years since her Motown Atlantic Records classics, but she’s working the limits with a good soul-y growl. And the choir is helping out. Hah, and she gets in some of those high notes anyway. Nice.
11:56 AM — It is too bad how the White House Christmas Tree bow tragically fell on her head, but she still looks great, at what, 75 years old?
11:57 AM — Biden, you nut! Here, now, as he takes his oath, this oaf, we realize the genius of picking Gaffey Joe for vice president. He seems absolutely cuddly compared to the evil wheelchair-bound Bond villain we’ve just said good-bye to, on teevee. Let’s say it again, together: GOOD-BYE DICK CHENEY, YOU EVIL MOTHERFUCKER. THANKS TO ALLAH FOR FORCING YOU TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO SEE A BLACK MAN BECOME PRESIDENT! NOW FUCK OFF AND DIE.
11:59 AM — And now famous Hollywood composer John Williams will conduct the “Imperial March,” as Cheney is wheeled into a vat of cooking oil.
12:00 PM — So, the Constitution says the president must be sworn in by Noon, right? NOBAMA EVER.
12:01 PM — YIKES, what? Wolf Blitzer just talked over Yo Yo Ma to say that, even though the oath has not been given, Barack Obama is now legally, and technically, the president of the United States. No wonder he’s smiling so much at this fruity music. Oh wait, now he’s not. Now his eyes are closed and he looks serious. Michelle just squeezed his shoulder, which is the secret “Uh dude you are president now” fist jab.
12:03 PM — Next up, your own Jim Newell, with the exciting Inaugural Address liveblog, plus the 21-gun salute, and mass craziness. You must stay tuned!
12:04 PM — Ha, now whenever people ask Yo Yo Ma, “What were you doing when Barack Obama became president?”, he can say, “I was cold playing the cello for him.”
12:05 PM — John Roberts just called him “Senator.” So rude!
12:05 PM — “Congratulations, Mr. President.”
12:05 PM — So, that happened.

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303 COMMENTS

  1. The men of FOX news are slobbering over Michelle Obama. They’ve proclaimed her “amazing and beautiful”…
    Britt thinks Jill looks good, too. Cause she’s white.

  2. Pls tell me Obama is wearing a Brooks Brothers suit today, b/c that would signal the new American style resurgence. All that other hopey shit, who cares.

  3. Time now for Khmer Rouge-style new-order resetting of the calendar, I say.

    USA Year Zero, bitches! (uhh, minus the genocide, of course – but the forced work camp retraining sessions would be okay, I suppose).

  4. Chris Matthews just remarked that you can see a lot of white teeth from all the smiles. Chris, go down this road very carefully.

    Sasha and Malia, oh for the cute! ((*clasps hands over chest and swoons*))

  5. Well. I guess the MSM will have a difficult time explaining the spontaneous singing and booing of Dub. Isn’t this what happens when dissent is manipulated and squashed.

  6. [re=222925]pocket Liz[/re]: Yeah…crazy old coot!
    [re=222924]jagorev[/re]: It’s by some Cuban/American designer…let’s call it “inaugural tobacco leaf gold”

  7. How cute to see Bush with that idiot grin, as usual, plastered on his face and Cheney literally turning into a bobblehead as the camera can’t quite get him and bush in the same frame. Oh, how delicious is vengenance.

    How will I stop myself from racing through my corner of Real America and shouting, “Eat it, racists.” Which would have ramifications on my life here–really.

  8. Fuck, this is hard as being president. I’m running from wonkette the one tv with BET, another with BBCA and a third with PBS, then I’m tryingn to keep up with NPR.

    I am too old for this multi-tasking.

  9. wonkette ran out of snark! “11:34 AM — Your editor is now going to take a few minutes to watch this with his young sons, in the living room, because wtf.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Oh, how I dislike the douchy John Cornyn! I can’t believe my state re-elected him.

    Can’t he cling to his religion and guns silently… with a muzzle? Move.on John, just Move.on.

  11. jeez. now it occurs to me. rove or somebody said “dick old boy here’s the thing: we put you out there with your glasses in a wheelchair. You’ll totally steal the FDR-thunder from Obama. George, at exactly 11:59 am, you pull out your stove-pipe hat and fake beard. After that public swearing-in moment, nobody will ever associate Obama with either of those 2 icons again. It will be you guys all the way.”

  12. I love that Bill gave Hillary a little squeeze when Obama shook her hand. That’s a nice husband.
    I also love that step-grandma from keyna is there…smiling her head off!

  13. I took a quick look over at Fox. They’re actually being pretty gracious. Shep managed to sneak in a little snark here and there but overall he’s not being a douche.

  14. [re=223013]The Decider[/re]: Shep is the one actual journalist over there and it’s sort of hilarious to watch him slowly crack with the other folks he works with.

  15. This is an epic fail for Internet 2.0. I can get no stream from any site. CNN/Facebook told me they were putting me in a queue to watch their crappy amateurish coverage. SCREW YOU CNN! You will not succeed in destroying hope and freedom.

  16. I was under the, obviously wrong, impression that this hater of gays was only being given two minutes to pray that the Republicans could have a do-over of the election.

    Wow, this could be known as the alienation prayer. Yikes.

    Amen. He’s finished.

  17. OMG THE CHRISTIAN PASTOR GUY MENTIONED “JESUS”

    The libtards will be outraged. I think I hear Glenn Greenwald starting up a 10,000 word essay right now.

  18. ABC apparently is running old B-roll from their station sign of tapes while Arethra Franklin sings. I fully expect them to go to a test pattern at the end of the song.

  19. It was so much better last time when Ted Nugent sang “America the Beautiful” then shot 10 point buck from across the mall with a compound bow shaped flaming guitar.

  20. Did anyone notice that JR Ewing is standing behind Joe Biden as he’s being sworn in?

    On this solemn, yet joyous occasion all Wonkettes should take a moment and talk smack about Bill Kristol.

  21. Now that Joe Biden’s been sworn in, does he get to be president for a very brief period if Dubya keels over in the next three minutes, perhaps due to the cold?

  22. Since John Williams composed this, I was expecting something along the lines of the Throne Room theme from Star Wars. Instead, it’s more the violin piece from Shindler’s List.

  23. John Williams and Yo Yo Ma? Wasn’t this actually part of an episode of The West Wing? The one where Josh couldn’t listen to music or something?

    Liberals are classy, I’ll give ’em that.

  24. How can that cello sound so flipping good in freezing weather? There must be some magic juju on it. Aretha sounded weak, but she still has some powerful magic juju.

  25. Ken – It was a different part of the country than Motown. Aretha was on the Atlantic label with the great Jerry Wexler producing when she was belting out “Baby, I Love You” and all those other gems.

  26. WOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Shame he fucked up the oath massively, but what the hell.

    Note to Americans: The rest of the world now likes you again. Well done.

  27. [re=223165]teebob2000[/re]: Seriously, about how long will it take the PUMA/bigfoot hunters to insist since he didn’t say it word for word he’s not actually president? I’m serious. Bets?

  28. the pugs up there have to be triply nervous:
    1) fear of hicks who want to attack obama
    2) fear nation/world who want to imprison them
    3) fear of a non-con planet

  29. Wow, that last bit @TheTerrorists was so much more effective than W’s “with or against us” line. Completely called out Mugabe just now for blaming the west for things like Cholera and superhyperinflation.

  30. He’s saying that now that he’s in charge I have to depend on the rest of you for everything. I knew this wasn’t going to go my way. Bring back the free spending Republicans NOW!

  31. Poetry….is….now….prose…..read….haltingly……and…..missing……modifiers……
    occasionally….. Where is now working to achieve so glorious humble exalted discord unicorn butterfly?

  32. [re=223014]lazyb[/re]: I hate Dianne Feinstein. What a worthless Senator. Never met a piece of intrusive bullshit nannystate legislation, especially Drug War crap, that she didn’t love. But she’s just a nannystater for us peasants. Business and LE can do whatever the fuck they want. And, like Lieberman, she’s pretty much Feinstein (D-Israel).

    They say she’s going to run for Cali Governor. Oh please, God, no.

  33. [re=223157]revmod[/re]: Yeah … they said it was a riff on “Simple Gifts”, a lot of versions of which include that “Lord of the Dance” tune, too.

    Itzhak-Baby can really *play* that thing … I got little butterflies …

  34. No snark for me today, just happy tears.

    Okay, here’s some snark: OMG DICK CHENEY I’M SO GLAD YOUR WITHERED BABOON HEART HELD OUT LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO SEE THIS, YOU TWISTED OLD FUCK.

    Now excuse me, I am going to go walk into the nearest bar and buy everybody a round of drinks.

  35. If he was gonna do a rap bit I was kinda hoping for the “Now a word from the President,” bit in the Gheto Boys “Damn it feels Good to Be a Gangsta”. More particularly, the “Now I got the world swingin’ from my nuts, and damn, it feels good to be a gangsta”

    Typed through the tears. Grats, America

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