WASHINGTON, DC, 06:41 PM, MON NOVEMBER 23 | Advertise on Wonkette | tips@wonkette.com | SUBMIT A TIP | RSS
« next »
NOT SYMBOLISM

Dick Cheney Cripples Himself Packing Boxes

Here’s left-wing liberal Keith Olbermann gleefully delivering the breaking news that Dick Cheney has somehow destroyed his entire body moving boxes into his new CIA-gazing home. Cheney’s so massively dead right now that he will have to attend tomorrow’s Inauguration in a wheelchair. There is nothing — NOTHING — funny about this. It is SERIOUS. [YouTube]


8:28 PM on Mon January 19 2009
By Jim Newell
4385 Views

  1. smellyal8r says at 8:31 pm, January 19th, 2009

    It was trying to lift that freezer full of Rummy that did it (either that or all the remainders of every book Lynne’s ever written). Srsly? In a wheelchair? Why not just say home and watch it on teevee…

  2. ForTheTurnstiles says at 8:32 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Meanwhile, we find out that the mayor of Portland is sort of a perv. But in a free-trade shade-grown pervy kind of way. Also vegan.

    http://www.kgw.com/news-local/stories/kgw_011909_news_adams_breedlove_relationship.e142c06.html

  3. G. Friday says at 8:32 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Mein Fuhrer! I can’t walk!

  4. Crow T. Robot says at 8:33 pm, January 19th, 2009

    (Please forgive if I posted a few letters of random asshattery above. Was trying to post something clever & lost control. Also, there is the drinking)

    PS: You suck, Dick.

  5. ManchuCandidate says at 8:34 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Dr Evil or Darth Vader, my ass. More like Ernst Stavro Blofeld from the James Bond flick, For Your Eyes Only.

    However, I do suggest that if they fly Dick in via chopper that they transport him like they did in the movie:

    http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j223/s96024/May30261.jpg

  6. Dashboard_Buddha says at 8:36 pm, January 19th, 2009

    What you folks don’t realize is that Dick’s ride is no ordinary wheelchair…it got a fuckin’ laser turret on it.

  7. sati demise says at 8:37 pm, January 19th, 2009

    hahah cheap basta*d hurts himself trying to save some money on moving expenses.
    The cold outside tomorrow will finish him off.

  8. Surprising. I thought Rove had figured out how to prop him up, Weekend at Bernies style, for the last several years now. I always thought he was in the same clinic with Kim Jong Il in Havana.

  9. Everett_dIRKSEN says at 8:40 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Did he shoot anybody?

    Is this thing working?

  10. Scandalabra says at 8:41 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Wheelchair? I want that fucker rolled out on a stretcher in a straight jacket and buttless chaps. Goodbye, dickwad. I think he should have to run the gauntlet to Helicopter 2 between boy scouts, power bottom twinks and senate pages with big hockers ready to spit as he ceremoniously passes. Hail to the chief, asshole! Oh…did I get a little testy?

  11. Tommy Says Soooo says at 8:41 pm, January 19th, 2009

    What a crap cover-up. Liz Glover has shaken off the mind control, sweetly smiled her way past the Secret Service (after all she’s the MEDIA, even Moonie types are especially waved through) and put her size nine steel toe pump up his arse to pay him back for the mind meld evil trickery. Does Liz have a solid alibi? Oh, yeahhhhhhhhhh, she was with some Korean brides…..what, no photo evidence from a video journo, eh?

  12. Are you moving a man-size safe? There are some things you should leave up to the professionals. You can find your local man-size-safe moving company in the Yellow Pages.

  13. ioksotot23 says at 8:42 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Hopey withdrew all funding for the Dick Exo-Skeleton. That technology will now go to helping amputees at Walter Reed. Fuck you, Dick. The pace maker’s next.

  14. FlipOffResearch says at 8:43 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Why, why why?! Do bad things happen to good people!?

  15. Atheist Nun says at 8:45 pm, January 19th, 2009

    I wonder if the injuries were incurred moving the barrel of oil he kept in the basement, or the barrel with the body in it?

  16. smellyal8r says at 8:46 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Scandalabra: How about on a two-wheeler Dr. Lecter style? With the mask and the straps and the whatnot…

  17. Kim_Jong_IL says at 8:46 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Havanna’s not what it used to be :(

  18. Cuthbert J Twillie says at 8:47 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Brad!

    Janet!

    Rocky!

    Dr Scott!

  19. Just fire up another Robo-Cheney. Aren’t we on about #5 by now?

  20. Darehead says at 8:53 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Chicken hawks are known for being spineless weak tickers. As long as we can elongate him enough for the hanging block, the noose will soon put him out of his misery.

  21. OffTheRecord says at 8:58 pm, January 19th, 2009

    smellyal8r: Nothing on earth would bring me more joy than for this to happen. Right before he is shipped off the the Hague.

  22. Darehead says at 8:59 pm, January 19th, 2009

    cal: Hey, you broke the rules. Jim said this wasn’t supposed to be funny. SEE-WEE-ously.

  23. Footage here

  24. For “boxes” read “coffins”. He was decorating his bedroom.

    P.S. Cheney, you vile bastard, who never shouldered the BOXES that carried home the remains of the honest boys and girls you sent to war for you, the words of Elvis Costello:

    And when they finally
    Put you in the ground
    I’ll stand on your grave and
    Tramp. The. Dirt. Down.

  25. twoeightnine says at 9:04 pm, January 19th, 2009

    This thing has a spine?

    http://i25.tinypic.com/dcdn3s.jpg

  26. G. Friday: I expect him to stand at the crucial moment:

    http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Shire/3566/clock/dr.jpeg

  27. G. Friday says at 9:07 pm, January 19th, 2009

    I hope his wheelchair gets the mirrors-on-poles treatment, in search of hard drives.

  28. wheelie: Dylan said pretty much the same:


    And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
    Down to your deathbed
    And I’ll stand o’er your grave
    ‘Til I’m sure that you’re dead

  29. SayItWithWookies says at 9:09 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Another failed exit strategy.

  30. Kim_Jong_IL says at 9:12 pm, January 19th, 2009

    You know what? This has been fun but before I go
    I just wanted to mention something a little off topic
    and I hope that’s ok. I looked for the rules and couldn’t find
    them but I’m sure you have plenty.

    Anyway. I just figured out who Michelle Obama has been reminding
    me of.

    Doris Day. I just watched her on You Tube on her second
    What’s My Line appearance. Their smiles are exactly the same.

  31. Texan Bulldoggette says at 9:12 pm, January 19th, 2009

    I think it’s just a ruse so Dick won’t have to stand when the band plays Hail to the [new] Chief or stand up & applaud after Barry’s oath-swearing or inauguration speech. I suspect W would have done the same thing if he’d thought of it first; I mean they can’t both be in a wheelchair!

  32. Kim_Jong_IL says at 9:13 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Texan Bulldoggette: I have no idea why I thought this was funny.

  33. WagTehGod says at 9:14 pm, January 19th, 2009
  34. Nerdalicious says at 9:21 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Karma’s A Box.

  35. Here, also.

  36. druranium says at 9:28 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Texan Bulldoggette: I have every idea why I know this is funny. and true. that conniving smarmy bastard!

  37. bitchincamaro says at 9:29 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Yeah, boxes, right. YOU CANNOT THROW YOUR BACK OUT GUTTING NEWBORNZ!!!11

    I knew, seeing it on KO, it was destined for the Wonkettes. You did not let ‘camaro down, Newell.

  38. comradepaulson says at 9:38 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Maybe, as Obama takes the oath, one gloved hand will come up towards his throat and he’ll have to use the other hand to stop it from strangling him…

  39. memzilla says at 9:41 pm, January 19th, 2009

    When Stalin had his final stroke, everyone in the room looked at him lying unconscious on the couch, and looked at each other, and nobody did anything. Oh sure they moved plenty when he stirred briefly, but in the end, nobody called the doctor until they were sure he was dead.

  40. bitchincamaro says at 9:42 pm, January 19th, 2009

    wheelie: WIN+1

  41. DoctorCulturae says at 9:42 pm, January 19th, 2009

    I call BS.

    Darth Smirky is just trying one more powerplay. Same as the falling asleep act in Dub’s last press conference.

  42. S. Cullen Bonz says at 9:43 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Looks like draft deferment #6 is in the bag.

  43. Broke Dick Movin?

  44. wickedlittledoll says at 9:47 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Hmmm wonder what was in the box. Stacey Peterson’s remains, perhaps? Yeah, Drew probably had em shipped to his old buddy Dick. He knows how to get rid of evidence.
    http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/

  45. mylesfromnowhere says at 9:55 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Tomorrow ole Dick will roll out and Bro.Rick will step forward and lay hands upon him and call upon the power of Jebus to heal his Dick, and Dick will rise up and then fall on his ass. Jebus won’t heal him for havin teh gay daughter. And there will be a world-wide Amen. also.

  46. Darehead says at 9:55 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Now that Jill is sucking on her toes, let’s reflect on Lynne a bit.
    That bitch fundie church-slut tried to show her heroism after 9/11 by getting all American educators to stop teaching frivolous courses on any kind of global or intercultural studies, and teach only “real” American history and values. Yes, that’s her legacy. Save some rope and shoes for her too.

  47. GreenLoser5 says at 9:58 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Well, just being honest here, I think Dick just has a no standing for blacks policy. I mean, why would he want to stand up for one of the staff?

  48. Welshman says at 10:06 pm, January 19th, 2009

    I swear that Cheney is morphing back into a Dalek before the Time Lord Obama strikes him down (and if you Yanks don’t get to see episodes of Dr Who, then your uncultured souls will just have to accept the perfection of the analogy. If you have seen it but think the analogy is crap, then you are even more uncultured)

  49. you cannot be serious says at 10:08 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Oh sweet, delicious karma.

  50. sarcasticusername says at 10:11 pm, January 19th, 2009

    moving boxes? more like moving bodies.

  51. Either he is hoping for sympathy, thinking that pissed off Americans (or Iraqis) wouldn’t dare shoot a cripple…

    Or he is going for a sympathy fuck.. a one last fuck you to America..

  52. frieswidat says at 10:16 pm, January 19th, 2009

    No big deal, as long as Lee Federal Prison is handicapped-accessible.

  53. otisfatboy says at 10:22 pm, January 19th, 2009

    “Strangelove”, no one has thought “Strangelove”? I am way old.

  54. Nerdalicious says at 10:26 pm, January 19th, 2009

    This is satire Ha Ha….Anyway…

    The TRUE story of the Box (or Holy Grail) incident on the last night the evil doers have their Skull & Bones Society Double Secret Last Ceremony:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmuSck6uoZI&feature=related

  55. Darehead: do you remember where you saw that?

  56. Colander says at 10:33 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Who’s Dick Cheney, and why does he want sympathy points?

  57. Mr Blifil says at 10:33 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Wheelchair for Cheney? Does this mean at the moment the oath of office is about to be given he will rise and start screaming “My Führer! I can WALK!” or what?

  58. Mr Blifil says at 10:34 pm, January 19th, 2009

    ph7: Damn. I owe you a toe-tapping session I guess. Sorry to poach.

  59. Darehead says at 10:36 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Norbert: An infamous document called, “Defending Civilization: How Our Universities Are Failing America,” published right after 9/11 and this site will help you navigate,

    http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=American_Council_of_Trustees_and_Alumni

  60. frieswidat says at 10:38 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Hey, please keep it down, I’m counting minutes here. Now where was I? Oh yeah, 921…

  61. p-Sludge says at 10:39 pm, January 19th, 2009

    otisfatboy: “mein fuhrer” comment above much?

  62. Colander says at 10:39 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Also, I bet his ‘wheelchair’ has eight mechanical spider legs and rocket launchers.

  63. He’s going full Lebowski?
    Shut the fuck up.

  64. Canmon (the Inadequate) says at 10:39 pm, January 19th, 2009

    He is morphing into old man Potter.

  65. slavojzizek says at 10:42 pm, January 19th, 2009

    I thought the big news–Can’t remember if it was Olberman or Jonathan Adler who mentioned this–was that Andrew Sullivan now greets people ‘Happy America’–has Wonkette covered this yet?

  66. Packing fudge again, Dick?

  67. p-Sludge says at 10:45 pm, January 19th, 2009

    He will be transported to the inaugural festivities in a sedan chair carried by 8 Emperor penguins.

  68. facehead says at 10:47 pm, January 19th, 2009

    You’d think he’d be quite limber (from dodging military service so much in his youth).

  69. Scandalabra says at 10:49 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Tomorrow Bush will be out of office. Don’t need no junk. Just love.

  70. Spunkmeyer says at 10:51 pm, January 19th, 2009

    20 bucks says he wears the parka and snow cap like he did at that Holocaust ceremony a few years ago.

  71. lumpenprole says at 10:52 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Welshman:
    If Obama’s the Doctor, does he get a delicious sidekick like Billie Piper or classic Leela? Maybe Obama Girl gets promoted to full companion?

  72. Nerdalicious says at 10:53 pm, January 19th, 2009

    p-Sludge:
    Obama=Batman Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

  73. The Cheneys’ taxable income last year was $2,528,068. Why was Dick lifting boxes? Why didn’t he have one of his slaves do it?

  74. Sunlight must not strike the Vice President.

  75. FreshCliches says at 10:57 pm, January 19th, 2009

    SayItWithWookies: Nuthin’ but nuthin’ but WIN.

  76. Paul Tardy says at 11:00 pm, January 19th, 2009

    I heard he hurt his back trying to un-jam a paper shredder. Those lousy defence contractors got him a 50 lb MIL spec shredder that can only handle 3 pages at a time (staples removed) without jamming. The shredder does do cross cut and then for security crosses those cuts.

    Dick, just keep hitting the back and then foward buttons over and over until it clears, pulling on the paper just makes it worse.

    – Luv ya, Pauli

  77. Dildo Baggins says at 11:06 pm, January 19th, 2009

    HA HA HA, If I had been moving I would have had graduate students to help me. But Dick–I guess you can’t really ask those dudes at Gitmo to help shift your massive collection of BDSM literature!

  78. Fuck you dick cheney, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, and so on a so forth. You are a poor example of anything, except for a heart attack.

  79. Darehead: thanks for the link. I’ll be sorry to see such a fine First Vice Lady go. Unless they have no actual plans to go. Tonight could be the night Lynne and Dick sit in a pentagram and launch a pre-emptive nuclear strike against, oh, let’s say Venezuela and Beijing. Sleep tight, wonketteers!

  80. Scandalabra says at 11:10 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck bwa! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Has the asscrack also moved out of the White House? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

  81. He probably just wants to use the good parking spaces when he’s finally a private citizen again.

  82. Dildo Baggins says at 11:16 pm, January 19th, 2009

    I think the problem really was that he was outside during daylight hours. He got confused, what with the Negro and everything.

  83. Dildo Baggins: There ya go. That must be it. I was thinking maybe it was some stuff from his walk- in safe. But of course. That’s what he keeps there. His BDSM porn collection from Abu Ghraib and elsewhere. There may also be some sensitive Halliburton material in there. Gotta move that himself.

  84. Dildo Baggins says at 11:31 pm, January 19th, 2009

    This represents my final post–I am going into rehab first thing tomorrow. The Bush years were a massive waste of this nation’s energies and talents. Even those of us who tried to remain as far from the disaster as possible are much worse for the eight years lost. So, while I am eagerly awaiting midnight (I think power transfers to Obama even before the oath of office), I am also thinking what a fucking piece of loose stool was GW Bush. I am SO in favor of war crimes trials that it clouds my thinking of everything else. If that gob of bloody diaorhea is allowed to retire peacefully to Dallas (’We assassinate libruls’) TX, then we are all the worse for it. Srsly.

  85. Dick Cheney throws out his back. America throws out Dick Cheney.

    Dick:1000
    America:1

  86. KristaJulieva says at 11:47 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Yeah. At some point you have to just dispense with the pretense that you don’t want the major figures behind the Bush administration to meet with serious bodily harm. I hope this leads to Cheney’s eventual complete paralysis and death! Shit, that’s liberating!

  87. Toomush Infermashun says at 11:48 pm, January 19th, 2009

    Oh be nice - did you ever try to carry yourself out in a box…? It’s not easy…

  88. I say we dunk the summina bastages in Haliburton oil and set them ablaze.

  89. Toomush Infermashun says at 11:51 pm, January 19th, 2009

    But seriously - what must have been in these boxes that he couldn’t trust his own staff or even the secret service with…. bodies? New treasury bills? The original, recently edited Constitution?…

  90. Mr Blifil says at 11:58 pm, January 19th, 2009

    “No Drama Obama” meet “Dick the Decrepit Impotent Wheelchair-Bound Pity Party Queen”

  92. Say goodnight Dick.

  93. SpikeyDog says at 12:54 am, January 20th, 2009

    The Dr. Strangelove connection is just too creepy.

  94. OKLAHOMAjesus? says at 12:55 am, January 20th, 2009

    End of an “error” huh? I see what you’re doing there…

  95. DangerousLiberal says at 1:08 am, January 20th, 2009

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ow, fuck.

    I just threw out my back. Can I haz Dr. Strangelove wheelchair now please. Jawohl, mien fuerher…I mean, Mr. President.

    SpikeyDog: You are correct sir.

  96. God damn cheap-ass voodoo doll!
    It was supposed to be inoperable testicular cancer.

  97. Gallowglass says at 1:38 am, January 20th, 2009

    I’m pretty amused that a man worth a bazillion-gillion dollars lifts his own goddamn boxes. Doesn’t he have mercenaries or slaves to do that sort of thing?

  98. lada_sue says at 1:42 am, January 20th, 2009

    comradepaulson: A muslin voodoo death oath. Neat!

  99. Dr Tobias Funke says at 2:28 am, January 20th, 2009

    Everyone is missing the obvious- gasp….how else is Dark Cheney going to sneak in those long lost wmds from iraq? just saying- either way gets him out of having to stand and salute B.Hussein

  100. ghardcastle says at 3:47 am, January 20th, 2009

    Touche Karma, touche!

  101. Mr. Cheney:
    An injury caused by falling over the coffins of embalmed small mammals and wayward servants is beyond the scope of the federal employees disability fund. Claim rejected. Ha-ha.

  102. thejames says at 6:54 am, January 20th, 2009

    I just realized that another one of my songs is totally past its shelf life with the passing of the Bush stool era. It’s this ditty about that Cheney shotgun incident being a botched murder-suicide. Now maybe he’ll try again! It’s called Dick Pussies Out. Ah well, it was topical a few years ago.

  103. pat robertsons personal trainer says at 7:06 am, January 20th, 2009

    The worst excuse since the pretzel that didn’t keep its charge, i.e. when George got pissy because Uncle Dick was making him invade dark countries and Uncle Dick had to introduce him to Mr. Jack Johnson.

  104. friendlynerd says at 7:44 am, January 20th, 2009

    Lies. This is all legacy shit since it’s harder to hate a man in a wheelchair.

    I’m completely up to the challenge though.

  105. kinky-neo-con says at 8:08 am, January 20th, 2009

    Keith Olbermann is a complete asshole… He’s an arrogant, blowhard, pyschopath who has really lost touch with reality…. Its because of him (and many others) that ‘MSNBC’ has become such a joke & propaganda machine.

  106. zhubajie says at 8:21 am, January 20th, 2009

    He was doing manual labor? He didn’t have someone else doing it?

  107. iolanthe says at 8:51 am, January 20th, 2009

    zhubajie: I find it absolutely unbelievable that Dick Cheney was doing manual labor, too. You’d think he could’ve gotten Lynne (or Mary … or Heather Poe, with her buff linebacker build) to do it for him!

    This story has a strong whiff — nay, stench! — of bullshit.

    My theory: he injured himself playing with his S&M gear with some hooker. Poor hideous bloated sack of crap was probably trying to make himself feel better with some restraints and beatings, given and received.

  108. iolanthe says at 8:55 am, January 20th, 2009

    And, of course, there’s *this* understandable reaction:

    Dick Cheney injured himself?
    SO???

  109. It’s probably nothing worse than a bit of indigestion from eating partially cooked muslims

  110. He just couldn’t bring himself to stand for That One.

  111. And somewhere in heaven, God chuckles and says, “Oops. My bad.”

  112. p-Sludge says at 10:44 am, January 20th, 2009

    kinky-neo-con: Must be true, kink. I heard it on Fox.

  113. Luke Warm says at 10:45 am, January 20th, 2009

    Faker. Does anyone remember when Scooter Libby showed up yo court in crutches.

  114. LazloHollyfeld says at 2:08 pm, January 20th, 2009

    I’ve seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy is a fake. A fucking goldbricker. This guy fucking walks.

  115. Movingboxes says at 3:51 pm, November 22nd, 2009

    I have been moving boxes for decades and have never heard of this kind of thing.
    Dickie must not understand you need to use the legs not the back.
    Matt
    http://www.movingdayboxes.com

Leave a Reply