Wonkette
Everyone in Washington is stuffing their faces with acids and toxic poisons in order to be beautiful for the inauguration! This is a good thing, because maybe it will save our faltering cosmetic surgery industry, at least for a little while.
Remember just a few weeks ago we were reading about the death of Botox because everybody is too poor to care about their horrible wrinkled foreheads anymore? Well, scratch that. People are very concerned about their naturally aging faces, and are pulling out all the stops to ensure that they look paralytic waxen cat-robots for our new President.
“We have been absolutely swamped since the election with people desiring rejuvenation procedures for the upcoming inauguration,” says Washington, D.C., cosmetic dermatologist Tina Alster.
“My normal load for cosmetic procedures has doubled, except for hyaluronic acid fillers — Perlane and Restylane — which have almost tripled,” reports cosmetic and laser surgeon Hema Sundaram, who runs two offices in the Washington, D.C., area.
This is why Barack Obama’s inauguration will cost $170 million: a full $169 million of that amount will go into squirting poisonous gels into people’s faces. (The remaining $1 million has been dedicated to outdoor toilets.)
Cosmetic procedures pick up prior to Obama inauguration [USA Today]
Poor Ms. Kidman!
She’ll just have to wait her turn.
~
I might put on a fresh pair of undies for Barry tomorrow. We’ll see.
I have seen many R’s in doctor’s waiting rooms seeking to have their faces altered to make them look like half breed muslins. They think it will help their job prospects.
This is beginning to sound like that bit in The Hitchhiker’s Guide when Arthur Dent lands on the planet of hairdressers and office managers…
Greenspan could use a little…
rejuvenation procedures? is this what they mean?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginal_rejuvenation#.22Vaginal_rejuvenation.22
I am just going to see how the whole deadly peanut butter thing turns out. Does Salmonella do anything like botulism?
But Biden has hoarded all the tooth whitener in the DC area, so forget about shinin’ up the choppers, for those, that is, who still have them. Joe’s are so porcelain ya feel like you could just set yer butt down over ‘em and let your sphincter do its business.
MathewBrooks: That’s soooo 20th cen. Totooed vages are state of the art.
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/86/239927359_71b1e4b25c.jpg?v=0
Joe Biden may need a little tensioning up, too, to restore that face-hung-out-the-cockpit-of-a-747-in-flight look.
I was shining my whip for the inauguration until someone told me that was tasteless. Weird.
Darehead: +1 for extremely twisted analogy.
I’m getting hair implants because Joe Biden is my copilot. My balding pattern is such that a yarmulke could cover up my bald spot easily, but I’m not Jewish right now and I figure implants would take less time than converting.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: Well….its Mid-Atlantic Leather weekend too so you’d better shine it up anyway.
Look, I only have 20 hours or so to smooth out the wrinkles on my scrotal sac, and if I don’t really require your permission to inject myself every 15 minutes, if that’s what has to happen to gain results. It’s the first AA POTUS. “My boyz” need to look their very best. I mean for weeks every Inauguration story has been about balls, balls, balls. By the time Barry gives his speech I want them to shine like the Hope Diamond, AND I wan’t to be able to bounce a nickel off of them.
Thank you.
What?! Almost 30 minutes and not one Vinegar Joe reference? Also.
MathewBrooks: Designerginas, eh?
Mr Blifil: No, George W. Bush was the first AA president.
Wait… you mean “African-American,” don’t you? Never mind…
In celebration, the bums in Lafayette Park will be shining up their Sterno cans. As for me, I’m puting a new coat of Glade on my bindlestick.
heehee! Sara said “annals”!
Obama states “we can’t allow any idle hands…” Dude. I’m on it. Mouse hand? Check. Other hand? Check.
No worries.
Ohh, the ODU physics professor quoted in the article about statistical Port-a-potty line length distributions is one of my old professors!
A story like mine is only possible in America friends. YES WE CAN!
shanemacgowan: Actually, I think that’s just the classic R woman’s response to a new person in power coming on the scene.
“Hey fella, you can be the John to my Cindy anyday…I’ve got a trust fund…”
WadISay: Joe was pretty Botoxed up for his debate with Palin, so much so that he looked like William Shatner, i.e., embalmed.
bitchincamaro: Are you sure that guy’s not just a fan of Videodrome?
SayItWithWookies: “… Long live the new flesh! ” Yesh!
o/t, but Newell had best be preparing a kick-ass slideshow, cuz so far he ain’t said nutttin.
We are all Baron Harkonnen.
toastandlove: Doesn’t the do that himself yet?
But anyway, if you’re the guy who helps him get dressed
I don’t think you should be posting here.
There must be a rule about that somewheres!
THE=he
Most of the allocation for botox actually went to Biden.
bitchincamaro: MOM!!!
actor212: Iz in ur offiz, sanitizin ur tallafon.
After all, what is beautiful, really? A toxically rigid forehead? Breasts so large and firm you want to plant a flag? Skin so tight your djembe gets jealous? Teeth so sparkling they blind the driven snow?
I say yes, YES! Do me! Dremel off the sharp edges and do me NOW!
We are the world.
Has Maya Angelou dropped by yet?
Soooo…?….can I haz complimentary abortion with botox or no?
Does this mean I should reconsider my last-minute butt implants?
Instead of Botox, I got Bell’s Palsy. Cheaper way to freeze my face, well, one half of it.
I wonder about reporters who write those “no longer viable because of the economy” pieces. First of all, Botox isn’t that expensive. I had read somewhere that women would no longer be getting Brazilian waxes, too, because of the economeez. Then I tried booking an appointment for one and had to get put on a waiting list. Money might be tight, but women are still freezing their faces and denuding their vaginal forests.
2 Hours without a new post on Inauguration EVE!!?! MOAR POSTS!!!!!!!!!1!
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/Story?id=6676907&page=2
I love this with the misspelling of inauguration.
At least they changed their spelling of Arlinton to Arlington.
Atheist Nun: No, not really.
God I’m tired of hearing about Abraham Lincoln.
Enhance all you want, you’ll still look like a lard-ass on the television. HD should really highlight those needle and/or pluck marks, too.
I’d also just like to say that
Obama isn’t the 44th guy to be President.
Grover Cleveland was president twice in non consecutive
things. So it’s the 44th Presidency but he’s not the
44th guy.
This is extremely important for so many different reasons.
Atheist Nun: Ew, thanks. Made my day. Now I have to sing, “Oh, Mandy, you came and you gave…” over and over to make the visual nightmare go away.
So once they remove the plastic-watermelon rind, does her butt skin flap against the back of her knees or what?
“AT THE COPAAAAA… COPACABANNNAAA…”
kneebob: “I say yes, YES! Do me! Dremel off the sharp edges and do me NOW”
What do I do with the plastic spindle you came from????
Atheist Nun: Yes. Butt implants are the equivalent of a rubber stone. They do not address the problem, either. If a woman is unsatisfied with her moneymaker the solution is hip-widening surgery, so that the the butt are is wider. Making it stick out like in that lovely picture you linked to only brings to mind the Hottentot lady. And we all know how that turned out.
And if anyone’s ever had hip replacement surgery (or, similarly, knee replacement surgery) then they know the hip-widening procedure is easy and painless, with recovery time measured in minutes.
Maya_Angeloop: You say “inaguration” is a misspelling — maybe not. Maybe Hopey’s gonna nag us all into prosperity. Pick up that paintbrush and get to work!
Who has that kind of money? I get mt botox the old-fashioned way: a box of old and improperly canned salmon and a dirty needle I “borrowed” from the diabetic guy at work. Recycling!
Maus: In this scenario all is consumed at the altar of beauty. Thus, there is no spindle, only the sad drone of the empty lathe.
Lathe always looks like it should have a “r” on the end doesn’t it?
Doesn’t anyone rub their faces with bee sting venom anymore?
Min: No, but since some anonymous person on the interwebz suggested it, I’ll have to get some bees and try it right away. By the way, what does it do?
Howard_The_Baker: You might be thinking of “blathe.” Which is mostly what goes on around here.
kneebob: Bob. You probably shouldn’t try to read my mind.
You probably won’t like it in there.
But thanks for the tip!:)
kneebob:
http://www.heavenskincare.com/beauty.asp#P720
Min: Wow. Sounds scary, in a refreshing sort of way.
commiegirl: Haow menee leeves well dat coss me?
Hey, I washed my hair this morning. Don’t expect me to do it again tomorrow.
Outdoor toilets full of poisonous gels squeezed from the faces of zombielike creatures - that’s an image to inspire!
kneebob: Yep, that is one of those images that is burned into my brain, cannot be unseen, etc. I refer to her as either “Rubber Butt Girl” or “Fucking Idiot.”
hobospacejungle: The non-surgical procedure is known as “eating lots of pie.”
Faces are a doddle compared to tits and ass. No hairline.