getting off

Who Will George Bush Pardon Today?

Besides the turkey, that isThe clock is ticking! George Bush has just a few short hours to issue blanket retroactive/pre-emptive pardons for all of the criminal leather queens and torture fetishists in his administration. But what about the other crooks who would also like a pardon?

We got, let’s see …

  • Ted Stevens! Lisa Murkowski would like to see the former Alaska senator pardoned, presumably on account of oldness.
  • Maybe this guy, Conrad Black? He’s very wealthy! He got arrested for some thing or another after being a newspaper tycoon for a while. Bush will probably pass on this one, since he hates the media so much.
  • Or Michael Milken. He was the “junk bond king” who inflated America’s securities industry with empty calories and sugary snacks. He only served two years in prison but now he is a philanthropist who spends obscene amounts of money trying to get pardoned by George Bush.

All of these people sound very worthy! But what about the saddest sack of all, Scooter Libby?

  • “Scooter Libby is the most notable casualty of the domestic war that ran alongside the global war on terror.”

Indeed, no one in America has suffered more than Scooter Libby, who did not even have to go to jail after he was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice.

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  • Bruno

    I would like to see a blanket pardon to all Wonkette commenters for our crimes against humanity.

  • Dreadful Gate

    Maybe he can pardon Joke The Plumber for douchebaggery

  • Mr Blifil

    I’m not sure about anybody else but I could sure use a preemptive pardon from prosecution of public groping. Why don’t these bitches relax?

  • Tommy Says Ira G is a Tool

    I hope he pardons me for what I did to my ceiling after I saw Shakira in the leather pants yesterday.

  • Darehead

    Free Leonard Peltier!
    Why:
    Bush loves waterboarding.
    The CIA does waterboarding.
    The CIA hates the FBI.
    Leonard allegedly killed 2 FBI agents.
    Therefore, Bush loves Leonard.

  • WadISay

    I wouldn’t bother pardoning Stevens, because, look, at age 84 he’s not going to be spending a lot of time in jail anyway.

    Also, this is my last day to stock up on guns and ammo. Unless those places close for MLK day…naw.

  • Aurelio

    Laurel and Hardy could also use a pardon.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Any day you can whip out the turkey-fellating photo is gonna be a bright, sunshiny day.

  • jbd

    Best NPR moment in the past two years:

    host: so you live on the north side of chicago.
    patrick fitzgerald: yes.
    host: and you work downtown.
    patrick fitzgerald: that’s right.
    host: so how do you feel about commuting?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Libby shouldn’t be pardoned for crimes against books for writing about bears raping little Japanese girls in medieval Japan.

    I’m sure that Connie is oblivious to the comical irony of dumping his Canada City citizenship (no extradition treaty for economic criminals) for Brit Cit (who does have an extradition treaty) and his 2000 lamentation on how Canada City should just merge with US America. Suck it, Black!

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    How about some preemptive pardoning for the whole administration?

  • Kev-O-Tron

    OJ. The juice will be unsqueezed.

  • Hart88

    I wouldn’t be surprised if Darth Cheney has engineered a pre-emptive pardon.

  • imarmcandy

    Haha, The last time I read an opinion in the WSJ (2004) some clown was explaining how John Kerry had not learned the lessons of Vietnam. And now 4.5 years later I learn that “Scooter Libby was demolished” from those same pages. I’ll try again in 4 years, maybe they’ll explain how Bush set up the economic recovery that Obama lucked into.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=221887]Aurelio[/re]: Ha! Dig Cheney at 3:10.

  • Internally valid

    How to get W to laugh for 5 straight minutes: walk up to him and say “howdy pardoner.” Do that enough and we might just be able to keep him occupied until the inauguration.

  • bitchincamaro

    Bernie Maddof, cuz next to klowns in the Bush kleptocracy, he looks like Mother Theresa.

    http://www.nysscpa.org/blog/2009/1/6/jokes-you-bernie

  • Scarab

    I say he’ll pardon no one.
    Like everyone else during their last day of work he’ll be jacking around and stealing office supplies. Finally he’ll walk out with a cardboard box filled with picture frames and that Boba Fett action figure that’s been sitting on his monitor for the last eight years.

  • Lord Licorice

    I would like 3 pardons, one for each of my DUI’s. I must keep at LEAST .08% of alcohol in my body, at all times, to, well, avoid sobriety.

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    He could pardon Jim and Ken from being Confluence Pigs of the Day.

  • Terry

    Can he pardon himself and Cheney in advance of charges being filed against them?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    [re=221909]Terry[/re]: Yeah, though I think it’s called “amnesty” then, like when Carter pardoned draft dodgers, like Bush and Cheney.

  • MrAgro

    Ashley Todd–the G. Gordon Liddy of the McCain campaign.

  • DustBowlBlues

    MSNBC reports that George Bush says he “can’t wait to get away from Washington”. For the first time Americans share his vision.

  • Lee

    The second Bush is gone I want this headline, not that it is original in any way:

    “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!”

  • Darehead

    Moving on to Barry: pardon all war resisters in Canada. Seriously. And never pardon Bush.

  • Rush

    Pardon Oprah – just because….

  • DustBowlBlues

    I don’t want anyone pardoned, but could he banish all the fascitards around here to the Holy Land theme park?

    Of course, Okrahoma’s population would be diminished by about 2/3, but I won’t miss them. Oh, and they have to take their trailer houses with them. The empty MacMansions left the rich ones can be given away to hobo liberals as incentive to get them to move here.

    I will now go take a legal drug and fantasize about the above scenario.

  • Darehead

    And Swedish asylum for the shoe thrower!

  • Gorillionaire

    He’ll pardon Judas Priest for “Breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law…”

  • satyricrash

    Take a page out of Truman’s book and pardon anyone looking for the Chattanooga Choo-Choo

  • chascates

    Too bad he can’t pardon the deaths of 4,200 GIs & 100s of thousands of Iraqis. History may prove their deaths worthwhile. If not, just another disappointment.

  • Darehead

    Pardon Tian Tian who had no hard-on.

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=221917]DustBowlBlues[/re]: The Bush-Cheney un-parade/exodus escape route (is it published somewhere?) should be lined with shoe throwers. And a couple of flame-throwers. Who’s with me?

  • Kev-O-Tron

    OT- but I need some advice. I’m heading up to the Arlington from Richmond in about two hours. I hear traffic’s a mess. Can any locals offer me advice.

    I think dubya should pardon McCain for the sins of Sarah Palin and Joe the War Correspondent.

  • Scandalabra

    He could pardon his mother for the crime of not getting an abortion.

  • S.Luggo

    Pardon Tom Friedman for sophistry with intent to commit assholery.
    http://www.fair.org/index.php?page=3679

  • actor212

    Hang on…Libby wasn’t pardoned already???

    OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=221925]Gorillionaire[/re]: Or anybody who ever promised someone a rose garden.

  • Internally valid

    [re=221927]chascates[/re]: “History may prove their deaths worthwhile.”

    No.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=221943]S.Luggo[/re]: Friedman’s argument is perverse, but not completely illogical. If you live in a neighborhood of tough, mean bastards who love to pick fights, you won’t likely get any respect unless you’re the toughest, meanest, fightingest bastard in the neighborhood.

    Also, he’s Jewish, so he’s probably going to side with Israel in any case.

  • undermedicated

    [re=221896]Hart88[/re]: Presumably Cheney’s legal team has been busy devising “treat as classified” pardon that is only revealed in the instance of Cheney’s indictment.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=221956]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: If you live in a neighborhood of tough, mean bastards who love to pick fights, … beat up those whom they are seeking protection money from. That works.

  • shanemacgowan

    [re=221896]Hart88[/re]: For his two DWI’s back in the 1970’s?

    [re=221925]Gorillionaire[/re]: Thank you. However, he would then have to issue a posthumous pardon to Bobby Fuller. He should pardon Steve Earle as well, just cuz he’s cool.

  • Anita Cocktail

    I have been saying for weeks that Bush will try to pardon himself. Himself, Cheney, Gonzalez, Rummy, Rice, Wolfowitz and everone else who was part of this bullshit Iraq war.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=221929]Darehead[/re]: I’d say pardon the semen collector, unless it turns out to be Larry Craig. In which case I support his new career path 1000%.

  • CARCUNTZ!(tm)-R-Us

    I’m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike Bar. Can I haz pardon, too, Meester Boosh?

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=221908]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: but that’s an HONOR

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=221931]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: get off o Rte 1 North around Lorton. Take Rte 1 North to GW Parkway right up to Arlington. Check out a map–it is easy as pie and you avoid the hell that is 95 farther north.

  • lapinot

    You make it sound as if that’s all he has on his mind. Au contraire: he’s also been planning a parting shot at the French:

    http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1872241,00.html

    “Even from this administration, I was astounded by such a grotesque, petty and inefficient gesture in its last hours in office” – Jacques Mistral

  • OffTheRecord

    [re=221930]bitchincamaro[/re]: Bush is exiting the Capitol via helicopter. You will need a pretty serious shoe launcher. I am assuming Cheney will just slither away into a sewer somewhere.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    [re=221981]Doglessliberal[/re]: Thanks! I think that’s what we’ll do.

  • Neon Trotsky

    “Scooter Libby is the most notable casualty of the…global war on terror.”

    Even when you reinsert the “domestic war that ran alongside the [GWOT]” caveat this is one of the most angering things I’ve read in a while. I await the giant statue that this, our Great National Purple-Hearted Hero, deserves erected in his honor in Arlington National Cemetary…

  • gjdodger

    Pardon Saddam. “Wayl, podnuh, there warn’t no WMD’s after all so, sorry Ah got you kilt. A-hehn!”

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=221991]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: plus, GW Parkway is lovely

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=221961]S.Luggo[/re]: Hence, “perverse.” The goal, (probably unattainable) seems to be to convince the general populace that Hamas is the cause of their problems, rather than the answer to them. Which is a point one could argue with a straight face. I’m not an expert by any means, so it seems fitting to be able to consider both sides of the issue.

    But yeah, terrorism is tactic on both sides; this much appears obvious.

  • Styrofoam Boots

    Maybe! Bush should pardon himself because after Cheney slips his cock outta GeeDub’s ass every single lawyer in the Universe is gonna want sloppy seconds.

  • Red Zeppelin

    He should pardon Walnuts for running such a shitty campaign. Oh, and OJ too.

  • Maya_Angelou

    http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090119/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush_pardons

    Wow. He did something right.

    Too bad it was on his last day.

  • chascates

    WASHINGTON (AP) — In his final acts of clemency, President George W. Bush on Monday commuted the prison sentences of two former U.S. Border Patrol agents whose convictions for shooting a Mexican drug dealer ignited fierce debate about illegal immigration.

    Bush’s decision to commute the sentences of Ignacio Ramos and Jose Compean, who tried to cover up the shooting, was welcomed by both Republican and Democratic members of Congress. They had long argued that the agents were merely doing their jobs, defending the American border against criminals. They also maintained that the more than 10-year prison sentences the pair was given were too harsh.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=221956]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: There was a time when the Israeli-Palestinian conflict used to tie up 90% of my mental capacity. I debated, I protested, I wrote letters to both sides, I analyzed articles, I chided the media… and then one day, after having spoken to a couple of Israelis and a bunch of Palestinians, I finally realized that I was dealing with people who had zero resolve to live as equals. And so now, 90% of my mental capacity is being used by vodka, as it is more worthy.

  • Maya_Angelou

    Do I get some kind of reward for posting that first?

  • chascates

    [re=222021]Maya_Angelou[/re]: Yes. Your choice of Truck Nutz or Sarah Palin bobblehead doll.

  • Atheist Nun

    I’m voting for either Charlie Manson… or one of the 30 Republican child molesters arrested this past year.

  • hobospacejungle

    If Bush pardons himself & his buddies that’s as much as an admission of war crimes and crimes against humanity guilt. If we can entice him to somewhere like Belgium or Spain or wherever, with a promise of keys to some city with free pretzels and brush clearing, they can grab him off the street and try him there. All signatories to some treaty or other (details, details) are obligated to prosecute, so if we don’t then some other country will be glad to. The trick is enticing them to that country. A promise of a buffet of dead puppies should smoke out Cheney, some fake military award should do for Vanity Rumsfeld, and a promise of a job should do the trick for Gonzo.

  • Cape Clod

    He should pardon Charles Barkley. After all, the man just really, really needed a blow job.

  • Maya_Angeloop

    Could I have both since I’ve been saving bandwidth for the last couple of years
    just for a day like today?

  • lumpenprole

    I wonder if Fredo is waiting by the phone, hoping for good news.

  • Red Zeppelin

    Ya gotta wonder, too, what it is with Repubs and unfortunate turkey photo-ops?

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    The Miltary Commissions Act of 2006 gives them all immunity from prosecution for their freedom torture which John Woo has sworn that Baby Jeebus approves of. But maybe he’ll pardon my french.

  • V572625694

    [re=221890]jbd[/re]: God dontcha love NPR? They can find the boring in any topic.

  • Howard_The_Baker

    God I miss Bush already.

  • Min

    Pardon me. I just burped.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=221883]Tommy Says Ira G is a Tool[/re]: all that was missing was “sexy time” and she done brought it. … for the kids

  • sati demise

    [re=222082]Howard_The_Baker[/re]: I hope you are talkin’ ’bout pusssaay, camel toe, snatch.

    ‘Cause no one is gonna miss Bushco.

  • Everett_dIRKSEN

    God how I miss Bush already.

  • TGY

    [re=221880]Bruno[/re]: Crimes against inanity? Yes.

  • BreakRoomLive

    Two final pardons from GWB, one expected the other not so much:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXIINvdQUng

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgoFJIpx4ik