CARTOON VIOLENCE  12:00 pm January 16, 2009

Cartoon Violence Is Some Kind Of Cartoon Dominatrix-For-Hire Now, Apparently?

by Josh Fruhlinger

Cartoon ViolenceBy the Comics Curmudgeon
Being a political cartoonist has got to be kind of rough. They’re all getting fired as newspapers downsize, and those that still manage to have a job drawing cartoons, for money, inevitably make political points that alienate at least half of their readers. So you’d think that they might find it enraging that some asshole on the Internet has a whole weekly venue just to make fun of their work, despite the fact that said asshole has no artistic talent himself whatsoever? And yet sometimes these sad souls actually send us their own cartoons, in hope of us mocking them! After the jump, it’s a very special Cartoon Violence, starring the vilest cartoon you can possibly imagine.

OK, so every once in a while, the Wonkette tips line gets an email from nationally syndicated cartoonist Jeff Danziger, which generally consists of just an attached image file with no accompanying text. I generally end up not using these, because I can’t fit them into whatever half-assed theme I come up with for the week at the last minute, so with his latest submission Mr. Danziger has apparently decided to up the ante. Since he sent it to me, I suppose nobody can object if I reproduce it here full-size:

WHY GOD WHY

So, uh, yeah, that’s pretty much a naked Dick Cheney, his flabby ass cheeks on full display, preparing to drop a semen-filled condom bearing the slightly befuddled face of George W. Bush into the toilet. (Question: Is the Bush-condom “ribbed” for “her pleasure”?) Now, Mr. Danziger might think that this sort of thing is “hip” and “cool,” but I have to ask: What about the children? See, my wife is a professional sex educator, which means she goes to schools and talks to the youth of today about sex diseases and baby-making and whatnot, and she always emphasizes that you should never flush condoms down the toilet, because you’ll block up the plumbing and then your parents will have to call the plumbers and they’ll find the condoms and you’ll have some ‘splaining to do.

Anyway, I have not been able to find this cartoon anywhere on the Internet, not even on Danziger’s own site. This makes sense, because obviously no reputable newspaper would print it. It is repugnant and offensive, and we at Wonkette are proud to present it here. And let’s wrap up the last Cartoon Violence column of the Bush-Cheney era with a few parting shots at the second half of that dynamic duo!

(Remember, as always, clicking the comic makes it bigger.)

Dick Cheney is an angry, somewhat confused old man who tries to shoot and torture everyone around him. “Yeah, we know that,” you say, “But what about the cartoon?” Oh, ha ha, you’re very droll. See, the cartoon posits that he will continue to do this after he retires, in an old folk’s home! It’s funny when it happens to comical old people, you see.

Dick Cheney is a glowering hunchback who uses ancient, crumbling, ink-stained parchment when he needs to wipe poop off of his butthole. He also wears his suit jacket while taking a dump. Who does that? For some reason that gives me the creeps more than anything else in this cartoon.

Dick Cheney is blatantly infringing on the Grinch™, a licensed piece of intellectual property wholly owned by Dr. Seuss Enterprises LP. Unfortunately, if anyone complains, he’ll have them tortured and killed.

SPECIAL INAUGURATION DAY MESSAGE FROM YOUR COMICS CURMUDGEON! Because Ken and Sara live in balmier climes far from the cesspool of our nation’s capital, and Jim will be cowering in his DC apartment with his XBox and his malt liquor like a pathetic coward, I will be the only member of Team Wonkette actually out on the streets of Washington for the inauguration of Our Barry! I will attempt to “report” on the scene on the ground, which reporting will mostly consist of photos and short, badly misspelled notes sent from my elitist iPhone, assuming that cell phones even work down there Tuesday, and some thing I’ll write that evening when I return to Baltimore, assuming I am not trampled to death. I will also attempt to interview people, assuming I can figure out how to do voice-recording thingies with my phone. So, Wonkette readers, keep an eye out for me! I will be the guy wearing a blue coat, and probably a hat.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 50 comments }

Monsieur Grumpe January 16, 2009 at 12:03 pm

Yes,it is repugnant and offensive. Well done, well done.

Trace January 16, 2009 at 12:07 pm

I’m not even going to comment on those comics because then I’ll have to remember that nake– ah, shit. There it is.

But anyway, while not as glamorous as malt liquor and Xbox, I plan to spend my inauguration day with my Wii and a Dr. Pepper, because I’m a delicate, rosey fag. Or whatever that says about me. I don’t know.

Maybe get one of those five dollar pizzas that I can’t stop thinking about now.

Well, I stopped thinking about them for a few seconds earlier, but only because of that naked Dick Che– DAMN IT!

The Neoskeptic January 16, 2009 at 12:07 pm

someone forgot the fullpost tag.

Min January 16, 2009 at 12:08 pm

It is repugnant and offensive, and we at Wonkette are proud to present it here.

Damn straight.

Gopherit January 16, 2009 at 12:10 pm

TY Josh. That Cheney spooge cartoon is helping with my diet.

queeraselvis v 2.0 January 16, 2009 at 12:14 pm

Two cartoons featuring Dick and a toilet. Yea, that about sums up the past eight years for me. *applause*

SayItWithWookies January 16, 2009 at 12:16 pm

There is nothing about that Danziger cartoon that is not horrifying and repugnant. Also, it’s my new desktop background.

shanemacgowan January 16, 2009 at 12:17 pm

So Jr. kept Cheney from giving America his STD?

lenorecutie January 16, 2009 at 12:19 pm

Man in blue coat and hat. That should be easy to spot in a city with half the country squeezed in it.

Damn you all. I have to work that day. All of you are bastards.

Lascauxcaveman January 16, 2009 at 12:22 pm

JESUS GOD! DANZIGER, THAT WAS HORRIBLY GROSS AND OFFENSIVE.

And about the most astute metaphor you could come (cum? heh heh) up with at the end of this Bush/Cheney reign of terror.

KristaJulieva January 16, 2009 at 12:23 pm

I smell Pulitzer!

bhosp January 16, 2009 at 12:27 pm

The most horrifying part is imagining what acts of unspeakable evil MAKE Dick Cheney come.

Vercingatorix January 16, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Thanks for nothing. It’ll take me all day to disinter those images from my mind.

Mr Blifil January 16, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Sorry but it’s obvious to everyone in the world that Cheney only rides bareback.

CrunchyKnee January 16, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Thankfully we don’t have to view the bottom half of the Cheney toilet cartoon. The wide-stance would be too much to take.

Tommy Says Ira G is a Tool January 16, 2009 at 12:35 pm

The funny thing is that the closest place Cheney can go to without an extradition treaty is either Cuba or Venezuela. How’s that for irony?

El Bombastico January 16, 2009 at 12:38 pm

You owe me a new keyboard. No, not because I spit up laughing. But rather because it is coated in the blood and viscera pouring from my eye sockets after I scratched my retinas out.

shortsshortsshorts January 16, 2009 at 12:42 pm

I’M STREAKING THE INAUGURATION. WHOSE COMIN’ WID ME?

rich bachelor January 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm

What we don’t see in Danziger’s cartoon is Who the lucky victim is. I posit; Us! Thank You!

Tommy Says Ira G is a Tool January 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm

[re=220849]Min[/re]: Are we talking about Conflatulence again?

pattycake January 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Thank you, Josh, for braving the Inaugurolypse so that we don’t have to.

Luke Warm January 16, 2009 at 12:49 pm

[re=220874]KristaJulieva[/re]: Is Pulitzer new slang for semen?

Carlo Wildwood January 16, 2009 at 12:51 pm

The Bush administration doesn’t approve of funding for condoms, unless it’s W’s salary.

Obamaton January 16, 2009 at 1:04 pm

[re=220888]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I prefer myself on the OUTSIDE of the hypothermia unit.

But thanks.

Also, all that cold air is not good for the reputation.

TGY January 16, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Happy inaugurating! You go! Come back with your iPhone or on it or somesuch.

The reputation of Wonkette, such as it is, rests upon your shoulders. Carry it with pride! Or tongs.

coolcatdaddy January 16, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Flushing the scary looking Bush-condom thing down the toilet will give Joe the Plumber something to fix.

Assuming, of course, that he actually plumbs in between being Joe the Not Reporter in the Middle East.

Terry January 16, 2009 at 1:38 pm

“I will be the guy wearing a blue coat, and probably a hat.”

Gloves, too, and a discreet bottle of hooch in your pocket.

Sassette January 16, 2009 at 1:40 pm

I’m disappointed that main cartoon didn’t feature Lady Liberty looking unsatisfied. I mean, if you’re going to go, you may as well go all the way, right?

Green Soda January 16, 2009 at 1:41 pm

My arshole hurts.
So does every living human being’s on earth. (Plus many dead, many animals and many dead animals.)
I’m sure this administration considers itself phenomenally successful, They have raped, robbed, pillaged and tortured and are getting away with it. This explains Dick’s smirk, the most repugnant sight of all.

Harvey Birdman January 16, 2009 at 1:51 pm

W. is an enormous load. I’m impressed.

Bruno January 16, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Josh, I’m afraid I had to go against you on the whole weblog awards thing because of my love affair with Jon Swift, but that first cartoon is the best thing I’ve every seen, evar. Please, please forgive me.

nosnikreplliw January 16, 2009 at 2:34 pm

1. why is dick cheney masturbatin into a condom?
2. why is he flushing it down the toilet?

loislane1939 January 16, 2009 at 2:40 pm

[re=220866]shanemacgowan[/re]: That sound you heard was my soul throwing up.

chascates January 16, 2009 at 2:42 pm

I just hope that condom didn’t have a leak. I still the taint of Dick Cheney.

Bruno January 16, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=220888]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You’re spending $800 on airfare for streaking? I was under the impression you had some obsession with socks, or pants or something.

cal January 16, 2009 at 2:55 pm

I like the air freshener in the White House bathroom. Nice touch.

Bruno January 16, 2009 at 2:55 pm

[re=220958]Sassette[/re]: Cum on, Lady Liberty would have nothing to do with that demon. I think its gonna be someone else (who likes somethin wickid), but who?

My top choices would be Barb Bush (Senior), Kim Jong Il, or Ahmadinejad.

Thegreatbacon January 16, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Kudos. I pushed the “jump” button, think that no matter how vile the image was, it would still be “cartoon vile” and not at all repulsive. Then I saw the first image and was truly horrified. It’s good to know that old “gag reflex” still works. I haven’t had to use it in a while.

Thegreatbacon January 16, 2009 at 3:15 pm

think = thinking

Sassette January 16, 2009 at 3:15 pm

[re=221013]Bruno[/re]: Well, I mean… visual symbolism and all. He fucked Liberty pretty good. And I doubt he’s above the judicious application of roofies.

Toomush Infermashun January 16, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Josh, I really think you ought not to go out without a bottle of Peach Schnapps – you could be the toast of the town…

wicked-witch-west January 16, 2009 at 3:54 pm

So how long until Danziger cracks up, you think?

Numbat Dundee January 16, 2009 at 4:34 pm

You’re right btw – about condoms. I once blocked our plumbing with one. Funnily enough what was most embarassing was that, when the plumber removed it, it still had traces of bush on it.

trondant January 16, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Ha ha! Any condom Cheney used would be ribbed for his pleasure.

assistant/atlas January 16, 2009 at 6:40 pm

Note to self: Never, EVER read Wonkette while eating lunch again. Assuming I can eat lunch again at some point.

katrina January 16, 2009 at 9:08 pm

Danziger’s cartoon has a butt and alludes to teh seks.
Where else would he, in good conscience, send it?!

ladymacbeth January 16, 2009 at 10:38 pm

if cartoon #2 intentionally referred to ‘endgame’ i’m impressed.

iburl January 17, 2009 at 3:51 am

Your Iphone is never going to work for data… the relays will never be able to keep up with that much 3G traffic. Don’t Count on it.

Brendan M. September 19, 2009 at 1:54 am

If I hadn’t followed Mr. Fruhlinger’s recent link, I’d have missed that horrid, magnificent cartoon. The moral of that story, I guess, is don’t click the clicky-clicky if you are not fortified by either a strong stomach or a reasonable amount of alcohol. I do not have a strong stomach.

Dolmance October 16, 2009 at 4:33 pm

The only ass I’ve been remotely familiar with in the last ten years belongs to my girlfriend. And I have to say, I think it’s probably the best place I’ve ever lived.

I just thought you should know that.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: