The Pyongyang Pork Airlift

  • The pilot who safely landed a US Airways jet in the Hudson River is amazing and awesome in a dozen different ways. Bold prediction: he gets one of those balcony seats next to Michelle for Barack Obama’s first State of the Union address. [New York Daily News]
  • Congress agreed to release the second half of the original bailout funds, so that Barack Obama won’t look like an ineffectual loser. [New York Times]
  • Eric Holder’s confirmation hearing testimony suggests the next administration will have a different approach to the media, in that they will not withhold information from the public just to be dicks. [San Francisco Chronicle]
  • South Korea is sending a bunch of adorable pigs to North Korea, so that they can be eaten there. [AFP]
  • Rural voters feel all left out and baffled about whether they still belong to America, now that a half-Muslin city slicker is running the show. (Answer: Yes, alas.) [Washington Post]
  • Israel killed some Hamas muckety-muck, and it also bombed the UN headquarters in the north of Gaza City, WHOOPS. [Wall Street Journal]
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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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67 comments

  1. bitchincamaro

    Those U.N. guys are all like, “We even gave them our GPS coordinates, why would the Israelis bomb us?”

    Because you gave them your GPS coordinates, dummies!

  2. Dientes

    I thought Nate Silver told us there was no longer a “Real Amerika”. How did the WaPo find these people?

  3. 2druk2phluq

    Editor:
    “I smell a photo op… Miracle on the Hudson. C’mon people. We need blingees of the bridge. We need a graphic of a plane on fire skipping lightly over the garbage filled water. We need women holding babies and smiling. And fer god’s sake get a shot of President-elect Obama with the pilot. Time’s a wastin’.

    Oh my God. CBS beat everyone to the punch on the graphic. Ours needs to be bigger, longer, uncut. Get Steve Tyler and Aerosmith on the phone. We’re gonna need a band down there by the river.”

  4. Tommy Says Ira G is a Tool

    From http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123206567998588075.html

    Let me the first to post Peggy Noonington’s imperishable prose (in which she asks us to Suspend Our Disbelief):

    “Mr. Obama is a writer, and he sees himself as a writer. It is an important part of his self-perception. He is the author of two books, the first of considerable literary merit. He loves words. It is in writing that he absorbs, organizes data, thinks his way through to views and decisions, all of which adds to the expectations for his speech.”

    Oh, that cagey Nooner. She asks us to suspend our belief whilst (!) believing that Mr. Obama wants nothing else but to BE Peggy Nooner. A writer. Like she, in her Jane Austen ringlet and diaphanous gown.

    I shed a tear. I have suspended my disbelief. And yet I wet my pants.

  5. heroinmule

    Look at this horseshit:

    He has noticed that blacks around Brinkley — many whose families originally came to this region to pick cotton — have a newly emboldened attitude. He’s heard about people cutting in line at the grocery store or “doing a little victory dance at the Kwik Shop.”

    My God it’s an uprising! Hide the white women.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    I’m sure that any NKs of a certain age (read bitter and old) who didn’t get turned into Khalbi/Bulkogi by their younger relations and served in the People’s Krazy Army and were captured by US America Army Hero Squad will appreciate the gift of pigs and tangerines from the island that was their prison almost 60 years ago. Be like a former detainee getting Cigars and Rum from a less waterboarding-ish and non urine soaked Koran having Gitmo.

  7. mookworthjwilson

    [re=220641]ManchuCandidate[/re]: After reading that story I really think we need to consider selling Arkansas, or at least the people who live there, to Mexico.

  8. Dientes

    [re=220639]heroinmule[/re]: Really? Did you see this, too? Do they think Obama is homosexual or are they mad about his policies?

    “Robert Serio, chairman of the local Democratic Party for 30 years, says Obama was viewed as too liberal in Monroe County. “We don’t look at national Democrats as being family-oriented,” says Serio, a lawyer. “The multicultural thing would be something we are opposed to. The homosexual question would have an impact.”

  9. gurukalehuru

    So, it took 5 pages to inform us that the bible-thumping, cousin humping, gun-totin, trucknutz sportin’, cotton pickin’ rednecks of rural Arkansas don’t trust Barack Obama. A quick glance at the comments section almost anywhere but here could have told us that.

  10. Servo

    Christ, here we go again! United States of Losers quickly bestowing “HERO!” on someone simply doing exactly what they were trained to do. Are we so pathetic that we must severely blur the difference between victims and heroes? Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger, like the crew and passengers, was a victim of an unfortunate circumstance. He didn’t suddenly jump into the cockpit of a doomed airliner to save the day. His piloting was a textbook example of crisis management. I’m willing to bet he even took the time to shut down the engines immediately after the bird strikes as per written procedures. I salute his coolness and pilot skills. HERO? No.

  11. Vewol Mevemont

    If I hear one more goddamn thing about that fucking plane… 24 hour coverage… every person on board interviewed at least 19 times… every living pilot interviewed and asked for his “expert opinion”… every police officer in NYC interviewed…

    Jesus, please make it stop.

  12. Mahousu

    [re=220643]Dientes[/re]: ““The multicultural thing would be something we are opposed to.”
    Translation: “What’s the deal with him being, you know, black? What made him think that would be a good idea?”

  13. ManchuCandidate

    [re=220647]Vewol Mevemont[/re]:
    Would you rather hear about W’s farewell speech then?

    I’d rather hear endless chatter about someone who did their job vs the farewell speech of someone who fucked up.

  14. freakishlystrong

    [re=220647]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: DITTO! We had a motherfucking loser come out and loserly lie again last night, and the MSM went right back to the stoopid plane! They survived, MOVE ON!!!11!

  15. Vewol Mevemont

    [re=220650]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I get the impression that news networks would probably prefer to cover local cat rescues over the W speech, so we’re hardly at risk on that front.

    Maybe I should just switch to bbc permantently. Wait, wait, oh for the love of good saint Mohammed. Et tu, bbc? (http://news.bbc.co.uk/).

  16. Vewol Mevemont

    [re=220653]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: Permantent is kind of like permanent, except it only applies to tents.

  17. RobPetrified

    Sully, AKA “that pilot” stole all the thunder from Dumbias swan song performance last night.

    Today, He’s a hero for TWO reasons.

  18. Bruno

    From the American article about rural bitterz worried about Barry:
    “Wayne Loewer’s truck reveals a lot about his life…”

    BUT NOTHING mentioned about about TruckNutz – I therefore doubt this guy is a Real, Authentic, Natural Born American

  19. queeraselvis v 2.0

    There used to be an ad that ran locally that had the tagline, “Located in the serenity of the Brinkley Delta.” It was for a psych hospital. And that, my friends, is all you need to know about Brinkley, Arkansas.

  20. Lord Licorice

    “BRINKLEY, Ark. — Wayne Loewer’s truck reveals a lot about his life. A 12-gauge shotgun for duck hunting rests on the floorboard. A blue thermal lunch bag containing elk meat is shoved under the seat, left in haste that morning by his teenage son rushing to catch the school bus.”

    Well Mr. Loewer if you hadn’t shot that elk your teenage son wouldn’t have had to rush to catch the bus as he could’ve ridden the elk. No foresight! Also you need to import a homersecksual from Little Rock to come re-do your creepy den full of dead dear heads.

  21. Hallux Valgus

    Let’s see- good at crashing planes? Absolutely no other qualifications? Open seat? I predict- Senator Pilot Guy!

  22. queeraselvis v 2.0

    NPR did a story this morning on the new $825B bailout package and highlighted John Boehner stammering over the way the Repubs were completely shut out of the process. Such drama from someone who obviously missed his bag o’dicks for breakfast.

  23. Serolf Divad

    The 52-year-old farmer is a conservative Democrat who bet on Republican John McCain and lost, a description that would apply to many in the white South. Now Loewer wonders about his place in Obama’s America.

    “I’m worried that he’s not gonna understand the rural way of life,” he says.

    Jesus Christ: you’re fucking bitter as Hell and cling to guns and your religion. You don’t like the colored folk running things. You like trucks. At any given time there are four or five empty beer cans rattling around the foot-wells of your F-150. You like boats. There are no beer cans in your boats because when you’re done with them you just toss the cans into the water. You think a rusting 76 Camaro makes a perfectly lovely lawn ornament. You think that the preposition “at” is a punctuation mark used for closing a sentence (“Where’s Jimbo at?”). You like killing things in the woods. You think an AK47 makes an excellent weapon for home defense (especially when modified for full-auto). You think the UN is scheeming to invade America and impose Islam on us all (because that’s what the crazy ass preacher you listen to on the radio discovered last time he interpreted Revelations). You put up drywall for a living.

    What the Hell is there not to understand?

  24. Theodorick Of York

    [re=220662]magic titty[/re]:
    Simple, but hilarious!
    Coffee sprayed inside my glasses.
    WIN!

  25. ella

    Locals say the recession hitting the nation is felt less here because there was no housing or job boom to begin with.

    So living in Arkansas isn’t all bad. They can stop whining now.

  26. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=220669]Serolf Divad[/re]: Oh, but according to the WaPo, he wasn’t bitter. Deluded, racist, and a pathological nutcase, maybe. But not bitter.

  27. dannygutters

    [re=220646]Servo[/re]: Dorothy Day says “Don’t call me a saint. I don’t want to be dismissed that easily”

    We salute competance to make ourselves look passable.

  28. Mr Blifil

    Admittedly that pilot did a good job by gently landing his plane in the river and making the rest of us feel “less than.” But the irony is that the only reason he became a pilot in the first place, peripatetically touching down every few days at different exotic locales all around the globe, was because that lifestyle made it much easier for him to spend his down time hunting for children to fuck.

  29. WadISay

    “When Obama got elected, I went out and bought a rifle and pistol shells for every weapon I own,” he says. “I bought $400 worth of ammo.”

    This guy is living at a subsistence level. All right, I admit it, I don’t understand rural America.

  30. Servo

    [re=220669]Serolf Divad[/re]:
    You forgot to mention that they like to watch cars turn left for 500 miles and that they have an allergy for reading anything more than a sportsman’s catalog.

  31. DoctorCulturae

    Tommy: Mmm, yum! Me’ums loves me Friday Noonington! “Oh Heathcliff, dear Heathcliff! My underpants are soiled!”

  32. Mr Blifil

    [re=220646]Servo[/re]: He won’t be after they release the real “black box” transcripts:

    “Air Control: US Air 1549 you are clear to ascend to 10,000 ft…

    US Air 1549: HOLY MOTHERFUCK! DID YOU FUCKING FEEL THAT??? It felt like we just flew through a flock of motherFUCKING GEESE! JESUS FUCK!!

    Air Control: US Air 1549, please repeat…

    US Air 1549: Repeat, REPEAT??? OH JESUS GOD, THE MOTHERFUCKING ENGINES ARE ON FIRE!!! Look at the FUCKING DIALS!!! We are falling out of the GODDAMN SKY like a ROCK! Oh fuck fuck fuck fuckety-fuck !!!1!!!1!!!

    Air Control: US Air recommend you circle around to Teterboro Airport.

    US Air 1549: That’s in MOTHERFUCKING JERSEY you ASSHOLE!! What part of HIT BY MOTHERFUCKING GEESE do you NOT understand!! Ahhh…Ahh…Shit my stomach is flipping, tell those fucking faggots in the back to stop whimpering and puking I GOTTA THINK….

    US Air 1549: What the FUCK is that in front of us? The FUCKING GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE??? Oh what a FUCKING FINE MORNING this is turning out to be. HEY WHO WANTS TO BE THE GUY WHO TOOK OUT THE GWB WITH A PASSENGER PLANE CARRYING A MOTHERFUCKING BABY, KILLING MOTHERFUCKING THOUSANDS AND CRIPPLING A MAJOR CITY FOR MONTHS??? I know you assholes can’t see me BUT I’M RAISING MY MOTHERFUCKING HAND!!! OH…sweet lord we are FUCKING LOW!! PUT IT IN THE RIVER??? OH YEAH, GREAT IDEA THAT’LL SAVE EVERYBODY’S ASS LANDING AN AIRBUS IN A FREEZING FUCKING RIVER IN JANUARY. LET IT BE KNOWN FOR THE RECORD MY CO-PILOT IS A MOTHERFUCKING GENIUS…Ahh…Ah..AHHH!!! Keep the fucking nose UP!! I CAN’T LOOK!!! I DON’T WANNA DIE LIKE THIS!!! I HAVE TO CONFESS!! I FUCK CHILDREN!!!

    Oh..OHHHHH…HELL…ATTENTION CABIN: WE’RE GONNA HIT THE WATER AND SINK SO MAKE IT RIGHT WITH YOUR HOLY CREATOR YOU MISERABLE UNLUCKY FUCKS…oh.. OWWWWWW….Owweeeeee…AHHHHHHHHHHH…OWeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! THAT FUCKIN HURT, YOU ARE A SUCKY CO-PILOT SHIT FOR BRAINS!!!

    Air Control: US AIR 1549 do you read…

    US AIR 1549: Um…actually…we seem to be good for the time being…there’s boats advancing and somehow this steel can is fucking floating…people are filing out onto the wings, jesus that seems stupid…uh..we’ll get back to you…oh GREAT, my motherfucking shoes are RUINED. FUCK that water is cold

    Transcript ended”

  33. Colander

    [re=220646]Servo[/re]: Dude, it’s a recession. They needs to sell newspapers. My local news called it a “plan landing in the Hudson.” CNN called it “PLANE CRASHES IN HUDSON RIVER.” Whatever works…

  34. HedonismBot

    The 52-year-old farmer is a conservative Democrat who bet on Republican John McCain and lost, a description that would apply to many in the white South. Now Loewer wonders about his place in Obama’s America.

    “I’m worried that he’s not gonna understand the rural way of life,” he says.

    END QUOTE
    So says some trucknutz in Arkansas. What none of these Joe-the-Rednecks ever stop to think about is the fact that McCain – a twice-married Navy brat who has never lived on a farm or ranch and has probably not done a lot of hunting either – would understand rural “folks” even less.
    As a lifelong resident of Red State Murka, I just want to tell all these dumb schlubs to STFU. Seriously, we’ve all heard enough of your bullshit, so suck it, bitterz. You don’t like it, move to France.

  35. Serolf Divad

    [re=220708]Mr Blifil[/re]:

    …and, oh yeah… I was totally just talking out my ass when I said that I fuck kids. I don’t. When I’m in Thailand I mostly look at the temples and ruins and stuff, you know… whatever the fuck your average non-sex-tourist does when he’s in Thailand.

  36. Servo

    Sully walked through the aircraft twice before egressing, scrounging peanuts and miniature scotch bottles from the galley.

  37. Davidwatts

    “You earn your wealth,” Batchelor says. “We’ve had enough handouts from the government. We have second- and third-generation blacks who are living in the projects; they’ll never get out of it. They are taught to live in it.”
    ad_icon

    Batchelor says one has to understand the local mind-set. “How can we expect somebody like Obama to do a good job when they can’t even handle things around here?” he asks.

    And finally: “I think he’s a bright guy.”

    Back in the truck, Loewer says he disagrees with some of the comments. “I’ve had white guys work for me who couldn’t read or write,” he says.

    Yes. Not a racist or anything, tho. BARRY IS BRIGHT AND SOME WHITES CAN’T EVEN READ! FAIR AND BALANCED!!

  38. groove

    [re=220646]Servo[/re]: If a pilot put my ass safely down after suffering simultaneous engine failures, “hero” would be a starting point. Just sayin’.

  39. Wonks Adventure

    [re=220708]Mr Blifil[/re]: nice. well played, sir.

    in other news … anyone else think “The DC Gossip” is getting a little tired? may i suggest: “Where Libelous Accusations of Pedophilia Run Rampant.” that’s just got a lot more pizazz to it.

  40. Vewol Mevemont

    [re=220780]groove[/re]: I think excellent pilot would be a starting point. Given its constant use in the media recently, I doubt hero has any meaning anymore, but I always understood it to mean someone who voluntary puts themselves at a disadvantage or danger to help others. A pilot who steers a plane after an unexpectedly colliding with a bird is doing his job — quite well, certainly, but he isn’t voluntarily putting himself in danger to help others.

  41. Nanks

    This morning a friend e-mailed me: “What better way to boost your consulting company than landing on the Hudson…COME ON!” (Chesley runs his own safety consulting firm on the side.)

  42. CorkPopper

    But oh noes! Kathleen Parker says Snark is Out, so I guess our Wonkette will be shutting down now. So long, it’s been fun…

  43. Min

    The pilot who safely landed a US Airways jet in the Hudson River is amazing and awesome in a dozen different ways.

    I say we send him a “free sex with any Wonkette poster” gift certificate.

  44. S.Luggo

    … Col. Herzi, commander of the Paratrooper Brigade, stood in a field in the farming village of Al Atatra, north of Gaza City. Smoke billowed into the sky behind him where the U.N. headquarters was burning to the ground. “Fuck them if they can’t take a joke,” he says.

  45. Odd Ass City

    Between Sullenberger and Obama, competence might become fashionable. Damn I wish I were good at something.

  46. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=220708]Mr Blifil[/re]: Wow. COTD.

    [re=220811]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: Nah, the ‘hero’ part is where he made sure everyone got off the plane safely before leaving himself, on the first boat to come along. That’s why they’re dropping the H word. That part, too, is right out of the pilot training manual, but he’s a ‘hero’ for following the procedure here in a stressful situation. Sorta like the bus driver who helps push all the kids out the window after he tips the bus over.

  47. momus

    Wait, the bottom of the WaPo webpage lists The Onion as a partner. I thought it was a hack until I read the article…. The Onion had to have contributed its “unique” point of view to it.

  48. chascates

    Unfortunately, the Sons of the Soil in Arkansas won’t be reading the NY Times, Wash. Post, or other news sources that report what Obama actually wants to do. They gets their newz From Alex Jones so all they hear is to load up on freeze-dried foods, guns and ammo, and keep their eyes out for the buses coming to pick them up for the trip to the internment camp.
    I grew up in the rock stupid panhandle of Texas and people there are hoarding supplies for the inevitable confluence of Zionist/Muslimist/Gayist Jeebus-haters.

  49. hobospacejungle

    [re=220780]groove[/re]: “If a pilot put my ass safely down after suffering simultaneous engine failures, “hero” would be a starting point. Just sayin’.”

    Word. Also. I would kiss this man until he politely asked me to stop. Hero may be an overused word these days (what with W handing out Congressional Medal of Honors to every fuckup in his admin,) but just because you’re following procedure doesn’t mean it’s an easy thing to do when both your engines just ate Thanksgiving dinner.

    Give him his seat next to Michelle. He deserves it.

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