my ride's here

Barack Obama’s Monster Limo

'My baby drove up in a brand new Cadillac ...  '
America, meet your new presidential limousine, this scary-ass legoland 100-foot-long bumper boat. It is a General Motors Cadillac!

The vehicle, referred to by the Secret Service as “the beast,” will reportedly feature heavy armor that is at least 5 inches thick and comes complete with run-flat tires, bulletproof glass and a completely sealed interior to ward off a chemical attack, among many other high-tech security features.

That’s swell and all, but it better come with a Prius or something in the trunk, so President Obama can drive home after this monstrosity breaks down, probably somewhere on Pennsylvania Avenue, next Tuesday.

As weird as it sounds to actually buy a new Cadillac, Barack Obama isn’t really making a bold move to symbolically save the Detroit car industry. Presidential limos are always Caddies, and have been since Woodrow Wilson’s inauguration.

Still, what a great chance to market your gas-guzzling faux-luxury brand. America’s handsome young president rolls in a new Cadillac! You just know the whole Cadillac website would be all about the Obama limo, right? Right? Wait, there’s nothing? Nope. Because GM is all about the Fail.

Speaking of Detroit, Obama’s shitty old Chrysler is being sold on eBay. Buy It Now, for just $1 million dollars. What a steal.

Cadillac Unveils Images of New Presidential Limo [Fox News]
Cadillac Limo to drive Obama in style [Detroit Free Press]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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112 comments

  1. Dildo Baggins

    I’m so glad I am not the president, and can buy German cars. So much less geezerish than that Seinfeld Caddy.

  2. WagTehGod

    I don’t have my glasses on, but that doesn’t look like a unicorn at all.

    Although I can’t wait to see the hydraulics on that baby.

  3. bhosp

    [re=219155]bhosp[/re]
    [re=219160]Mahousu[/re]
    [re=219161]WagTehGod[/re]

    [re=219159]President Beeblebrox[/re]: You’re outnumbered

  4. Pop Socket

    [re=219155]bhosp[/re]: Took until the second comment for the spinners call-out. I was gonna go for curb feelers, but then I’m old school like that.

  5. WagTehGod

    Well at least it looks like those 2.5, um, 3, um, 4 million green collar jobs won’t be created designing Obama’s ride.

  6. Mr Blifil

    Nice. He pimped his ride. I am however a little disappointed it doesn’t sprout wings and mini-rocket boosters. I guess he’s got seven years to work on that.

  7. agitpropster

    My Cadillac killin’ em, I’m Sprewell wheelin’ em
    If they less than ten G’s, then the Boss ain’t feelin’ em
    I’m keepin’ it real in the Caddy Deville
    Turning corners wood wheel, with the Big Daddy grill
    Looking like I’m worth a mil, backin’ out the garage
    Rollin’ hard, for the competition on the ‘vard

  8. Monsieur Grumpe

    It could use some flames on the side. Stickers, not the real thing. Cactus on the antenna? How is it in snow?

  9. Wonks Adventure

    [re=219203]mylesfromnowhere[/re]: … …

    shit! someone get the secret service on the line, renegade’s in trouble! DO IT NOW!

    (cue scary music from 24)

    11:34:21 … 11:34:22 … 11:34:23 … 11:34:24 …

  10. Vipper of Vipp

    Ha ha! Fox News calls it “sleek”. Like Karl Rove!

    As an aside, neither story notes that among the limo’s features will be a couple
    of pints of Barry’s own blood in the glove box. Seriously.

  11. DangerousLiberal

    [re=219168]Pop Socket[/re]: Niiice. And how about a vinyl top. Wire wheels. Oh, and the cool spare tire thing on the back. Sweeet.

  12. lawrenceofthedesert

    Purple low-rider lights and a steering knob on the wheel — it has to be 25 years since I’ve seen a steering knob, so it’s time they came back. A horn that broadcasts a cumbia arrangement of “Michelle, ma belle” completes the kit. Oh, and when the glass one-way rises between Barry and his driver, it has “Yes, I Can” etched on it.

  13. sanantonerose

    [re=219168]Pop Socket[/re]: Curb feelers? I want to see those razor sharp hubcap thingees that jab tires and passersby like in the car race in Grease.

  14. NotthatLC

    I can’t believe Cadillac hasn’t put it on their website. I guess they’re enjoying the Fail as long as they’re still getting paid. Beyond stupid.

  15. peorgietirebiter

    [re=219236]DangerousLiberal[/re]: that cool spare tire thing is called a Continental Kit. Kennedy’s Continental rolled sans the kit since Jackie was known to go trunk surfing unannounced and the kit would have been pretty hazardous.

  16. Puma720

    [re=219250]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Forget about the Blingee people; I want an [b]EcoDriving[/b] limo simulator. With spinners. Also.

  17. Lascauxcaveman

    Kennedy’s Lincoln convertible wasn’t his ‘official’ limousine, it was a parade car. I didn’t know all prexies had Caddies since Wilson, however. Interesting (to a car buff), if true.

  18. Lascauxcaveman

    Ah a closer reading: The image of an American president greeting crowds from a Cadillac limousine dates to President Woodrow Wilson and the early days of the automobile…

    Nowhere does it explicitly state or even imply that every presidential limo since Wilson has been a Cadillac. Just says that the incidence of Caddies-as-prexy-limos goes back that far.

  19. Keram2

    [re=219241]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Most people would’ve just gone for the lazy “playing reggaton” reference, but you went all out for the cumbia reference. Well played, Lawrence. Well played.

    Oh and fuck this Caddy shit, Obama needs the Batmobile… with whistle tips.

  20. Darehead

    Appropriately, “The One” rides in the Beast, and he that has wisdom count the number of the Beast that is visible on the Hood, for it is the number of The One, and his number is 666.

  21. Darehead

    [re=219275]Darehead[/re]: Furthermore on the front of the Beast there are 3 rows of squares, 6 squares each. 666.

  22. Mojopo

    Far be it from me to dicker over girth. But I heard the Unicorn limo doors are at least 18″ thick and can withstand a mortar attack. Do you really want me to look up 18 inches on the Obama limo on Google? I don’t have the time. Make someone else.

  23. Vanity Smurf

    I love how in the pic the the thing is such a behemoth that one of the front wheels is on the grass instead of the pavement. You can’t just dock a Detroit land yacht like that in any harbor. And it’s not just granny who can’t park her Caddy straight. Also.

  24. Mojopo

    I found this tidbit on teh interwebz about black folks and Caddies. How very weird.http://www.speedace.info/automotive_directory/cadillac.htm

    “1932- The year it could have ended

    In 1932, after Cadillac suffered from record low sales and charges of discrimination against black customers, Alfred Sloan created a committee to consider the discontinuation of the Cadillac line. At a fateful board meeting, Cadillac president Nicholas Dreystadt heard that legendary boxer Joe Louis could not go into a dealership to buy a car, because he was black, and resorted to having a white friend make the purchase for him. Dreystadt gave the GM Board of Directors a 10 minute speech in which he advocated advertising to black consumers so as to increase sales. The Board agreed to give Dreystadt 18 months to produce results. By 1934, Cadillac had regained profitability. It is significant to note that after this decision, Cadillac was the only American automobile manufacturer to remain profitable during the Great Depression. By 1940, Cadillac sales had risen 1000% compared to 1934, thus saving Cadillac from extinction.”

  25. Mojopo

    [re=219268]Keram2[/re]: I have deer whistles on my Sentra, dude. They are so high pitched that I can’t hear them, but they’re supposed to scare dogs and deer. So far, I have not had any altercations with domesticated animals and wildlife. Maybe they work? I say yes.

  26. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    They never tell you about the important stuff in the description. Is the Sound System Xtreme? Is the ride pimping? Wonketeers want to know!

  27. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting
    Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion
    I was glad everything had worked out
    Dropped her ass off, then I chirped out
    Today was like one of those fly dreams
    Didn’t even see a berry flashing those high beams
    No helicopter looking for a murder
    Two in the morning got the Fatburger
    Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp
    And it read Obama’s a pimp
    Drunk as hell but no throwing up
    Half way home and my pager still blowing up
    Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.
    I got to say it was a good day.

  28. AngryBlakGuy

    …I’m sure with a name like “the Beast” all those sweaty, bible thumping, inbreds who think Barry is the Anti-Christ will feel perfectly at rest. Why don’t they just have Barry sworn in with “666″ tattooed across his forehead!

  29. dkissam

    What a shamefully ostentatious display to make during times as difficult as these. Next thing you’ll tell me is that he’s going to insist on living in some gigantic drafty 19th century mansion and having his own plane.

  30. BobLoblawLawBlog

    Well, now we know where the rest of the bailout’s going. That thing looks like it gets -20 miles per gallon.

  31. Johnny Zhivago

    Not sure I’d call it “The Beast”. How about “ugly as shit”.

    Looks like the “Family Truckster” from National Lampoon’s Vacation.

  32. AliBabaInBA

    Don’t look at all like the Caddies the “Daddies” used to cruise on the OLD Westside of Manhattan. They were always orange, green or red, with an appropriately clashing door-to-door shag.
    This one looks kinda… I don’t know… uppity.

  33. SwamTheRiver

    I have it in good authority that under the hood, you will
    find the Little Engine That Could. And it runs on Hope!
    YES WE CAN, YES WE CAN, YES WE CAN…choo! choo!

  34. NewAlgier

    I drive a Honda Fit because I’m a hobo and socialist Canadian besides. But the Caddy STS is the sweetest, sweetest ride I can remember. East coast Yankee liberals can lease their overpriced BMWs, but for my money, Cadillac offers unbelievable value. Just my little plug.

    The rest of GM, on the other hand….

  35. tootsieroll

    Pickem up, setem up, watch it all go down
    Oh yeah
    Driving in my cadillac rock box
    Stickem up, getem up, drop it and throw down
    Oh yeah
    Hangin in my cadillac rock box
    Pickem up, setem up, watch it all go down
    Oh yeah
    Driving in my cadillac rock box
    Fillem up, shootem, sit before you fall down
    Oh yeah
    Bury me in my cadillac rock box

  36. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=219288]lumpenprole[/re]: Yes, The Stig taking a fast lap on their test track in this beast would be pretty cool. With Jeremy, the Hamster, Captain Slow and their immediate families, and several open magnums of Dom in the passenger compartment.

  37. frabjous snark

    If this were a real Detroit Caddy, it would have a fucking crown in the back, a gun under the seat and some purple lights underneath. God I miss Detroit.

  38. problemwithcaring

    [re=219281]Mojopo[/re]: Intro to Black American History: Keeping Amerikka Kool Long Past Her Prime

  39. thefrontpage

    And there’s a video screen in the back, with a full library of “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs, and the complete works of Jenna Jameson.

  40. sossajes

    [re=219223]Vipper of Vipp[/re]: I’m glad someone else noticed that. Keeping your own blood stashed in your car is amazing. You can drop a bomb on that thing* and Barry will rise like a phoenix from its ashes.

    *but don’t.

  41. agitpropster

    I cannot fackin’ believe nobody name-checked the coolest bladdy Caddytrack ever written – by two blokes from West London, Messrs. Strummer and Jones.

    Driiiiiiiive!!!
    Driiiiiiiive!!!

    My baby drove up in a brand new Cadillac
    Yes she did!
    My baby drove up in a brand new Cadillac
    She said, hey, come here, daddy!
    I ain’t never comin back!

    Baby, baby, wont you hear my plea?
    Cmon, sugar, just come on back to me
    She said, balls to you, big daddy.
    She ain’t never coming back!

    Baby, baby, wont you hear my plea?
    Oh c’mon, just hear my plea
    She said, balls to you, daddy
    She ain.t coming back to me

    My baby drove up in a brand-new Cadillac
    I said, “Jesus Christ! Where’d you get that Cadillac?”
    She said, balls to you, daddy.
    She ain’t never coming back!

    -The Clash

  42. SpikeyDog

    Come on…seriously, it should be Pink, with those Super Fly headlights.
    Now that’s a bad ride..

  43. agitpropster

    [re=220131]Chet Kincaid[/re]: Chet – I am truly mortified. Joe was a good friend (he LOVED Austin) and I still meet with some of the old crew for a few fizzies down the Blind Beggar in Whitechapel when I’m in town. Thanks for the correction…and with as many copies of London Calling as I’ve bought over the years, there’s just no excuse. Cheers. ; (

  44. Gayer Than Thou

    [re=219241]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: “[A]nd when the glass one-way rises between Barry and his driver, it has “Yes, I Can” etched on it.” In Old English letters.

  45. DangerousLiberal

    [re=219249]peorgietirebiter[/re]: Damn. I learn more here than I did getting my pee haitch dee. Big ups.

Comments are closed.