MY RIDE'S HERE  10:41 pm January 14, 2009

Barack Obama’s Monster Limo

by Ken Layne

'My baby drove up in a brand new Cadillac ...  '
America, meet your new presidential limousine, this scary-ass legoland 100-foot-long bumper boat. It is a General Motors Cadillac!

The vehicle, referred to by the Secret Service as “the beast,” will reportedly feature heavy armor that is at least 5 inches thick and comes complete with run-flat tires, bulletproof glass and a completely sealed interior to ward off a chemical attack, among many other high-tech security features.

That’s swell and all, but it better come with a Prius or something in the trunk, so President Obama can drive home after this monstrosity breaks down, probably somewhere on Pennsylvania Avenue, next Tuesday.

As weird as it sounds to actually buy a new Cadillac, Barack Obama isn’t really making a bold move to symbolically save the Detroit car industry. Presidential limos are always Caddies, and have been since Woodrow Wilson’s inauguration.

Still, what a great chance to market your gas-guzzling faux-luxury brand. America’s handsome young president rolls in a new Cadillac! You just know the whole Cadillac website would be all about the Obama limo, right? Right? Wait, there’s nothing? Nope. Because GM is all about the Fail.

Speaking of Detroit, Obama’s shitty old Chrysler is being sold on eBay. Buy It Now, for just $1 million dollars. What a steal.

Cadillac Unveils Images of New Presidential Limo [Fox News]
Cadillac Limo to drive Obama in style [Detroit Free Press]

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imatter January 14, 2009 at 10:44 pm

Those windows are solar panels, right?

bhosp January 14, 2009 at 10:44 pm

The nation is crying out for spinning rims, with diamond-encrusted presidential seals on them.

Dildo Baggins January 14, 2009 at 10:45 pm

I’m so glad I am not the president, and can buy German cars. So much less geezerish than that Seinfeld Caddy.

President Beeblebrox January 14, 2009 at 10:45 pm

How long before the FReeptards crack lame jokes about bling and Escalades?

Mahousu January 14, 2009 at 10:46 pm

Please tell me it has spinners.

WagTehGod January 14, 2009 at 10:47 pm

I don’t have my glasses on, but that doesn’t look like a unicorn at all.

Although I can’t wait to see the hydraulics on that baby.

bhosp January 14, 2009 at 10:48 pm

[re=219159]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Who you callin a freeptard?

bhosp January 14, 2009 at 10:49 pm


[re=219159]President Beeblebrox[/re]: You’re outnumbered

jagorev January 14, 2009 at 10:50 pm

At this rate, President Malia will have her very own Death Star.

President Beeblebrox January 14, 2009 at 10:57 pm

[re=219163]bhosp[/re]: Spinnas, ftw.

Pop Socket January 14, 2009 at 11:01 pm

[re=219155]bhosp[/re]: Took until the second comment for the spinners call-out. I was gonna go for curb feelers, but then I’m old school like that.

WagTehGod January 14, 2009 at 11:02 pm

Well at least it looks like those 2.5, um, 3, um, 4 million green collar jobs won’t be created designing Obama’s ride.

j6n January 14, 2009 at 11:03 pm

I don’t get it. He could’ve just got an Escalade.

Mr Blifil January 14, 2009 at 11:07 pm

Nice. He pimped his ride. I am however a little disappointed it doesn’t sprout wings and mini-rocket boosters. I guess he’s got seven years to work on that.

cyskokid January 14, 2009 at 11:23 pm

Kennedy was assassinated in a Lincoln.

pepe January 14, 2009 at 11:24 pm

if the interior is completely sealed, how does it get air?

agitpropster January 14, 2009 at 11:26 pm

My Cadillac killin’ em, I’m Sprewell wheelin’ em
If they less than ten G’s, then the Boss ain’t feelin’ em
I’m keepin’ it real in the Caddy Deville
Turning corners wood wheel, with the Big Daddy grill
Looking like I’m worth a mil, backin’ out the garage
Rollin’ hard, for the competition on the ‘vard

mylesfromnowhere January 14, 2009 at 11:28 pm

comes with Secret Service TrunkMonkey?

Monsieur Grumpe January 14, 2009 at 11:30 pm

It could use some flames on the side. Stickers, not the real thing. Cactus on the antenna? How is it in snow?

jagorev January 14, 2009 at 11:31 pm

[re=219189]cyskokid[/re]: Thanks, that made me laugh, “out loud”.

mylesfromnowhere January 14, 2009 at 11:31 pm

[re=219191]pepe[/re]: what if Hopey farts?

Wonks Adventure January 14, 2009 at 11:38 pm

[re=219203]mylesfromnowhere[/re]: … …

shit! someone get the secret service on the line, renegade’s in trouble! DO IT NOW!

(cue scary music from 24)

11:34:21 … 11:34:22 … 11:34:23 … 11:34:24 …

Pop Socket January 14, 2009 at 11:42 pm

[re=219189]cyskokid[/re]: And Lincoln was assassinated in Ford’s Theater. Oooooh!

chascates January 14, 2009 at 11:53 pm

If you can’t hear the bass from the stereo a block away it’s all been a waste of money.

Vipper of Vipp January 14, 2009 at 11:56 pm

Ha ha! Fox News calls it “sleek”. Like Karl Rove!

As an aside, neither story notes that among the limo’s features will be a couple
of pints of Barry’s own blood in the glove box. Seriously.

Mr Blifil January 14, 2009 at 11:58 pm

Where the fuck are the child safety seats?

j6n January 14, 2009 at 11:59 pm

[re=219189]cyskokid[/re]: Yes, but by who?

turboslut January 15, 2009 at 12:00 am

have Truck Nutz really not been mentioned yet?

Pat Pending January 15, 2009 at 12:05 am

They need to replace the flag finials with Jack-In-The-Box antenna balls.

DangerousLiberal January 15, 2009 at 12:10 am

[re=219168]Pop Socket[/re]: Niiice. And how about a vinyl top. Wire wheels. Oh, and the cool spare tire thing on the back. Sweeet.

chascates January 15, 2009 at 12:16 am

A motor home would have been a better choice. You’ve got a kitchen for munchies, a shitter, stand-up room. Plus with the slide-out part of it it’s freakier than a low-rider. He’s just going to use it for short hops anyway. I give you:

Suds McKenzie January 15, 2009 at 12:17 am

[re=219226]turboslut[/re]: Truck Nutz … yw

lawrenceofthedesert January 15, 2009 at 12:18 am

Purple low-rider lights and a steering knob on the wheel — it has to be 25 years since I’ve seen a steering knob, so it’s time they came back. A horn that broadcasts a cumbia arrangement of “Michelle, ma belle” completes the kit. Oh, and when the glass one-way rises between Barry and his driver, it has “Yes, I Can” etched on it.

sanantonerose January 15, 2009 at 12:20 am

[re=219157]Dildo Baggins[/re]: Ha! Seinfeld.

sanantonerose January 15, 2009 at 12:22 am

[re=219168]Pop Socket[/re]: Curb feelers? I want to see those razor sharp hubcap thingees that jab tires and passersby like in the car race in Grease.

NotthatLC January 15, 2009 at 12:33 am

I can’t believe Cadillac hasn’t put it on their website. I guess they’re enjoying the Fail as long as they’re still getting paid. Beyond stupid.

peorgietirebiter January 15, 2009 at 12:35 am

[re=219236]DangerousLiberal[/re]: that cool spare tire thing is called a Continental Kit. Kennedy’s Continental rolled sans the kit since Jackie was known to go trunk surfing unannounced and the kit would have been pretty hazardous.

Jukesgrrl January 15, 2009 at 12:37 am

Can the Blingee people make a Pimp My Presidential Limo game for us?

Puma720 January 15, 2009 at 12:47 am

[re=219250]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Forget about the Blingee people; I want an [b]EcoDriving[/b] limo simulator. With spinners. Also.

bob zimway January 15, 2009 at 12:59 am

As I was motavatin over the hill, I saw 44 in his Coupe de Ville.

gjdodger January 15, 2009 at 1:00 am

Bumper sticker: “My other car is

Lascauxcaveman January 15, 2009 at 1:01 am

Kennedy’s Lincoln convertible wasn’t his ‘official’ limousine, it was a parade car. I didn’t know all prexies had Caddies since Wilson, however. Interesting (to a car buff), if true.

Lascauxcaveman January 15, 2009 at 1:05 am

Ah a closer reading: The image of an American president greeting crowds from a Cadillac limousine dates to President Woodrow Wilson and the early days of the automobile…

Nowhere does it explicitly state or even imply that every presidential limo since Wilson has been a Cadillac. Just says that the incidence of Caddies-as-prexy-limos goes back that far.

joementum January 15, 2009 at 1:13 am

Doesn’t show teh Truck Nutz or the Hennessy.

Keram2 January 15, 2009 at 1:35 am

[re=219241]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Most people would’ve just gone for the lazy “playing reggaton” reference, but you went all out for the cumbia reference. Well played, Lawrence. Well played.

Oh and fuck this Caddy shit, Obama needs the Batmobile… with whistle tips.

shortsshortsshorts January 15, 2009 at 1:35 am

Who would have thought it would be a Cadillac? GEE.

Davidwatts January 15, 2009 at 1:37 am

That pic you always use says Superman, but the car is pure Batman.

joementum January 15, 2009 at 1:45 am

[re=219241]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Sammy sez “No” to steering knobs!

Darehead January 15, 2009 at 1:59 am

Appropriately, “The One” rides in the Beast, and he that has wisdom count the number of the Beast that is visible on the Hood, for it is the number of The One, and his number is 666.

Darehead January 15, 2009 at 2:08 am

[re=219275]Darehead[/re]: Furthermore on the front of the Beast there are 3 rows of squares, 6 squares each. 666.

Mojopo January 15, 2009 at 2:18 am

Far be it from me to dicker over girth. But I heard the Unicorn limo doors are at least 18″ thick and can withstand a mortar attack. Do you really want me to look up 18 inches on the Obama limo on Google? I don’t have the time. Make someone else.

Vanity Smurf January 15, 2009 at 2:20 am

I love how in the pic the the thing is such a behemoth that one of the front wheels is on the grass instead of the pavement. You can’t just dock a Detroit land yacht like that in any harbor. And it’s not just granny who can’t park her Caddy straight. Also.

Mojopo January 15, 2009 at 2:24 am

I found this tidbit on teh interwebz about black folks and Caddies. How very weird.

“1932- The year it could have ended

In 1932, after Cadillac suffered from record low sales and charges of discrimination against black customers, Alfred Sloan created a committee to consider the discontinuation of the Cadillac line. At a fateful board meeting, Cadillac president Nicholas Dreystadt heard that legendary boxer Joe Louis could not go into a dealership to buy a car, because he was black, and resorted to having a white friend make the purchase for him. Dreystadt gave the GM Board of Directors a 10 minute speech in which he advocated advertising to black consumers so as to increase sales. The Board agreed to give Dreystadt 18 months to produce results. By 1934, Cadillac had regained profitability. It is significant to note that after this decision, Cadillac was the only American automobile manufacturer to remain profitable during the Great Depression. By 1940, Cadillac sales had risen 1000% compared to 1934, thus saving Cadillac from extinction.”

Mojopo January 15, 2009 at 2:25 am

[re=219280]Vanity Smurf[/re]: So true. And such as.

Mojopo January 15, 2009 at 2:29 am

[re=219268]Keram2[/re]: I have deer whistles on my Sentra, dude. They are so high pitched that I can’t hear them, but they’re supposed to scare dogs and deer. So far, I have not had any altercations with domesticated animals and wildlife. Maybe they work? I say yes.

Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul January 15, 2009 at 2:34 am

[re=219226]turboslut[/re]: Bulletproof Truck Nutz!

lumpenprole January 15, 2009 at 3:09 am

Making the Obamamobile would be a cool challenge for an episode of Top Gear.

Sabre_Justice January 15, 2009 at 4:10 am


Lionel Hutz Esq. January 15, 2009 at 4:36 am

They never tell you about the important stuff in the description. Is the Sound System Xtreme? Is the ride pimping? Wonketeers want to know!

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 15, 2009 at 4:40 am
Lionel Hutz Esq. January 15, 2009 at 4:42 am
Lionel Hutz Esq. January 15, 2009 at 4:44 am

Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting
Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion
I was glad everything had worked out
Dropped her ass off, then I chirped out
Today was like one of those fly dreams
Didn’t even see a berry flashing those high beams
No helicopter looking for a murder
Two in the morning got the Fatburger
Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp
And it read Obama’s a pimp
Drunk as hell but no throwing up
Half way home and my pager still blowing up
Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.
I got to say it was a good day.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 15, 2009 at 5:30 am
schvitzatura January 15, 2009 at 6:18 am

It’s a “donk” for POTUS Fo’tee Fo!

Come here a minute January 15, 2009 at 6:36 am

Balls to you, daddy, she ain’t never coming back

AngryBlakGuy January 15, 2009 at 7:01 am

…I’m sure with a name like “the Beast” all those sweaty, bible thumping, inbreds who think Barry is the Anti-Christ will feel perfectly at rest. Why don’t they just have Barry sworn in with “666″ tattooed across his forehead!

Servo January 15, 2009 at 7:11 am

Why didn’t he get the Wingnut Plow option?

dkissam January 15, 2009 at 7:11 am

What a shamefully ostentatious display to make during times as difficult as these. Next thing you’ll tell me is that he’s going to insist on living in some gigantic drafty 19th century mansion and having his own plane.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 15, 2009 at 7:24 am
BobLoblawLawBlog January 15, 2009 at 7:31 am

Well, now we know where the rest of the bailout’s going. That thing looks like it gets -20 miles per gallon.

Servo January 15, 2009 at 7:32 am

What can be more presidential than a Big Boy? Good for going tear-ass through the Bible belt.

slavojzizek January 15, 2009 at 7:35 am

[re=219191]pepe[/re]: Who needs air? Not Indonesianians!

bago January 15, 2009 at 7:39 am

Needs JATO.

dannygutters January 15, 2009 at 7:59 am

This is just what dave chappelle said would happen!

TGY January 15, 2009 at 7:59 am

[re=219161]WagTehGod[/re]: It’s the Cadillac of unicorns.

Johnny Zhivago January 15, 2009 at 8:04 am

Not sure I’d call it “The Beast”. How about “ugly as shit”.

Looks like the “Family Truckster” from National Lampoon’s Vacation.

Bruno January 15, 2009 at 8:08 am

But can it park itself? Or did GM forget to give Barry this valuable new feature?

Johnny Zhivago January 15, 2009 at 8:09 am

Here you go – the design inspiration for this Obama’s sleek new Detroit beauty:

Cape Clod January 15, 2009 at 8:30 am

They don’t always have a Caddy. Taft need a semi to haul his fat ass around.

4tehlulz January 15, 2009 at 8:50 am

They see me rollin’
They hatin’

AliBabaInBA January 15, 2009 at 8:55 am

Don’t look at all like the Caddies the “Daddies” used to cruise on the OLD Westside of Manhattan. They were always orange, green or red, with an appropriately clashing door-to-door shag.
This one looks kinda… I don’t know… uppity.

ladymacbeth January 15, 2009 at 8:56 am

jimmy jazz indeed.

XOMuffintop January 15, 2009 at 9:23 am

Needs more Killdozer.

SwamTheRiver January 15, 2009 at 9:55 am

I have it in good authority that under the hood, you will
find the Little Engine That Could. And it runs on Hope!

Hostile Michigander January 15, 2009 at 9:59 am

Just think: Someday, this limo will will sit in the Henry Ford Museum with all of the other historical automobiles. It will be labeled “The last Cadillac ever sold.”

NewAlgier January 15, 2009 at 9:59 am

I drive a Honda Fit because I’m a hobo and socialist Canadian besides. But the Caddy STS is the sweetest, sweetest ride I can remember. East coast Yankee liberals can lease their overpriced BMWs, but for my money, Cadillac offers unbelievable value. Just my little plug.

The rest of GM, on the other hand….

Servo January 15, 2009 at 10:14 am

I think the CTS is currently GM’s best vehicle.

rocktonsammy January 15, 2009 at 10:23 am

This is sure as hell going to alienate the coloreds.

pondscum January 15, 2009 at 10:25 am

The least they could have done was added the gold package and some white walls.

robanybody January 15, 2009 at 10:38 am

GM? I hope they bought the extended warranty.

Servo January 15, 2009 at 11:08 am

Can I play as Barry in Grand Theft Limo?

tootsieroll January 15, 2009 at 11:14 am

Pickem up, setem up, watch it all go down
Oh yeah
Driving in my cadillac rock box
Stickem up, getem up, drop it and throw down
Oh yeah
Hangin in my cadillac rock box
Pickem up, setem up, watch it all go down
Oh yeah
Driving in my cadillac rock box
Fillem up, shootem, sit before you fall down
Oh yeah
Bury me in my cadillac rock box

Lascauxcaveman January 15, 2009 at 11:25 am

[re=219288]lumpenprole[/re]: Yes, The Stig taking a fast lap on their test track in this beast would be pretty cool. With Jeremy, the Hamster, Captain Slow and their immediate families, and several open magnums of Dom in the passenger compartment.

Kev-O-Tron January 15, 2009 at 11:36 am

Whoa! Is that the Blackmobile?

frabjous snark January 15, 2009 at 11:38 am

If this were a real Detroit Caddy, it would have a fucking crown in the back, a gun under the seat and some purple lights underneath. God I miss Detroit.

problemwithcaring January 15, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=219281]Mojopo[/re]: Intro to Black American History: Keeping Amerikka Kool Long Past Her Prime

thefrontpage January 15, 2009 at 12:10 pm

And there’s a video screen in the back, with a full library of “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs, and the complete works of Jenna Jameson.

S.Luggo January 15, 2009 at 12:16 pm

[re=219263]joementum[/re]: Is that showing a remake of “Driving Miss Daisy”?

S.Luggo January 15, 2009 at 12:20 pm

The Secret Service says that the limo will be parked always facing Mecca, Allah willing.

tiger January 15, 2009 at 2:01 pm

As all things American go-christ, it’s just SO ugly.

sossajes January 15, 2009 at 2:21 pm

[re=219223]Vipper of Vipp[/re]: I’m glad someone else noticed that. Keeping your own blood stashed in your car is amazing. You can drop a bomb on that thing* and Barry will rise like a phoenix from its ashes.

*but don’t.

Paco January 15, 2009 at 3:27 pm

See, it’s already starting: they parked that Caddy on the *lawn*.

Czn939 January 15, 2009 at 3:40 pm

one step closer to the Maibatsu Monstrosity!

agitpropster January 15, 2009 at 3:40 pm

I cannot fackin’ believe nobody name-checked the coolest bladdy Caddytrack ever written – by two blokes from West London, Messrs. Strummer and Jones.


My baby drove up in a brand new Cadillac
Yes she did!
My baby drove up in a brand new Cadillac
She said, hey, come here, daddy!
I ain’t never comin back!

Baby, baby, wont you hear my plea?
Cmon, sugar, just come on back to me
She said, balls to you, big daddy.
She ain’t never coming back!

Baby, baby, wont you hear my plea?
Oh c’mon, just hear my plea
She said, balls to you, daddy
She ain.t coming back to me

My baby drove up in a brand-new Cadillac
I said, “Jesus Christ! Where’d you get that Cadillac?”
She said, balls to you, daddy.
She ain’t never coming back!

-The Clash

the cold war makes me hot January 15, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Chet Kincaid January 15, 2009 at 5:40 pm

[re=219830]agitpropster[/re]: Great cover, but the Clash did not write “Brand New Cadillac.” Check it:
It was apparently one of the first British rock’n’roll records, from 1958, by Vince Taylor.

SpikeyDog January 15, 2009 at 7:17 pm

Come on…seriously, it should be Pink, with those Super Fly headlights.
Now that’s a bad ride..

agitpropster January 16, 2009 at 12:57 am

[re=220131]Chet Kincaid[/re]: Chet – I am truly mortified. Joe was a good friend (he LOVED Austin) and I still meet with some of the old crew for a few fizzies down the Blind Beggar in Whitechapel when I’m in town. Thanks for the correction…and with as many copies of London Calling as I’ve bought over the years, there’s just no excuse. Cheers. ; (

eekahil January 16, 2009 at 2:45 pm

[re=219268]Keram2[/re]: “..and whistle tips”

Transportation Secretary = Bubb Rubb & Lil Sis

Gayer Than Thou January 17, 2009 at 6:09 pm

[re=219241]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: “[A]nd when the glass one-way rises between Barry and his driver, it has “Yes, I Can” etched on it.” In Old English letters.

DangerousLiberal January 18, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=219249]peorgietirebiter[/re]: Damn. I learn more here than I did getting my pee haitch dee. Big ups.

DangerousLiberal January 18, 2009 at 3:53 pm

[re=219263]joementum[/re]: I’m thinking gin and juice. Laaaid back.

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