OUR VANISHING CRETINS  2:26 pm January 14, 2009

Nate Silver’s Magic Numbers Prove Rednecks Don’t Exist

by Ken Layne

Ay-rab fer preznit?Statistics freak Nate Silver was supposed to go away after the election, which he rigged with algebra or something in order to create the first black president, which is the ultimate political statistic, for masturbating. Now the fivethirtyeight.com sensation has a column in the gay fashion glossy, Esquire. It’s kind of interesting! Basically, Nate has figured out — using his patented number voodoo — that the worst people in America are literally disappearing, leaving a nation of sexy multi-racial city slickers who drive hybrids and do anal on first dates.

The voting numbers show that Karl Rove’s barely successful “focus on the rural dummies” scheme in 2000 and 2004 just don’t work anymore, especially when the Democrats run a good candidate instead of, say, a wooden dildo.

So, while the nasty dirt clown Sarah Palin may have really enjoyed campaigning in the “pro-America parts of America,” actual Americans all live in the towns and the increasingly complex/urbanized suburbs, which Obama won by 10.5 million votes and 2%, respectively.

Obama accumulated a margin of victory of approximately 10.5 million votes in urban areas (see chart), far bettering John Kerry’s 3.6 million. Obama improved his performance not only among black and Latino voters but also among urban whites, with whom he performed 9 points better than Kerry.

Obama also won each of the seventeen most densely populated states, a list that includes such nontraditional battlegrounds as Virginia, North Carolina, and Indiana. (One hidden advantage of urban areas: They’re easier to canvass to get the vote out.) By contrast, for all their bluster about small towns, John McCain and Sarah Palin beat Obama by just 2.4 million votes in rural areas, actually a bit worse than the 4.3-million-vote margin that Bush racked up in 2004.

So, not only is the total number of rural voters down significantly — from 35% of the electorate in 1992 to just 21% today — McCain and Palin only won the diminished pool of mouth-breathing white trash by about half as many votes as Bush did, four years earlier.

Ha, America’s dumb/disappearing hillbillies don’t even know the meaning of “schadenfreude,” which is German, for Fail.

How Obama Really Won the Election [Esquire]

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Come here a minute January 14, 2009 at 2:30 pm

And “schadenfreude gesundheit” means epic fail!!!!@11!

Kev-O-Tron January 14, 2009 at 2:32 pm

Upon this news Truck Nutz futures are taking a huge hit.

you cannot be serious January 14, 2009 at 2:32 pm

I thought abstinence-only teaching causes birthrates to spike? These rednecks can’t do anything right.

Mighty Rex January 14, 2009 at 2:32 pm

You had me at “anal on the first date”.

mdotsota January 14, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Wait, are we supposed to read Sara’s NBC blog today? If only someone could link me to it, in a post perhaps.

freakishlystrong January 14, 2009 at 2:35 pm

“and do anal on first dates.”

You owe me keyboard and possibly a job, Layne…

Theodorick Of York January 14, 2009 at 2:35 pm

[re=218645]Mighty Rex[/re]:
I thought it read “anal on the fist date” sooo, it kinda made sense.

OffTheRecord January 14, 2009 at 2:37 pm

Maybe they are all just too stoned to go vote? That is what I would be if I still had to live in the extra scary part of Kentucky.

Mustang January 14, 2009 at 2:37 pm

Okay, Mr. Nate Silver. Here’s a little geography lesson. White trash does not like anyone who is not white. Check out your states with a small number of minorities, and you will find out where your trash has migrated.

Woodwards Friend January 14, 2009 at 2:37 pm

[re=218643]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Get back out there and SELL! SELL!

Mr Blifil January 14, 2009 at 2:38 pm

I never do anal on the first date. I prefer to hook up anonymously in a public school broom closet wearing my Killer Klowns From Outer Space rubber mask, do the anal, get the phone number, go home, shower, and THEN make the call to set up the first date.

I guess that makes me some kind of redneck. Whatev.

TGY January 14, 2009 at 2:38 pm

I write from Atlanta to inform you that not all the morons are in the woods, nor do they marry their first cousin (without Papal dispensation or a waiver from the Archbishop of Whatsisbury or equivalent).

Doglessliberal January 14, 2009 at 2:38 pm

“Wooden dildo” too complimentary of Kerry. A wooden dildo presumably has uses/provides pleasure.

And judging by the commenters on WaPo and AOL, most of this rapidly-diminishing population DOES have internet access.

dijetlo January 14, 2009 at 2:38 pm

SKS gets a big win on this one…

“Sara K. Smith writes for Wonkette, a scholarly online journal of media and cultural criticism.”

They fucked that part up, but the rest was real good.

Now that I’ve delivered my scholarly criticism of media and culture, time to get back to watching porno before the gas station closes and they cut the power to my refrigerator box. It’s no fun watching pornos turning a hand generator, it’s like patting your head and rubbing your stomach, except with voltage.

Incredulicious January 14, 2009 at 2:40 pm

I should have invited Nate home with me for Christmas if he thinks all the rednecks are dead. A meth house blew up while I was there.

And as far as doing anal on the first date, what are you supposed to do on a first date? Talk? You don’t even know the person.

WadISay January 14, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Yer cousin’s comin’ over to babysit = redneck first date.

sati demise January 14, 2009 at 2:41 pm

Nate fails to take into account all the city folks movin’ to teh country to grow slow foods like arugula, make cheese and wine and who play polo in their spare time.

shortsshortsshorts January 14, 2009 at 2:41 pm

Nate Silver clearly fails to establish the “Muslim” standard whereas rural voters were scared off by the mean Black Panthers and also believed that if Obama didn’t win, he would blow up their local Walmart.

blader January 14, 2009 at 2:43 pm

It’s a real shame not seeing Nate put his obvious talents to better use….like coming up with numbers-based predictions for how the next 24 episode is going to play out.

freakishlystrong January 14, 2009 at 2:43 pm

SKS is almost as good as Ken at rilin’ up the stoopidz..well played Sara!

AngryBlakGuy January 14, 2009 at 2:44 pm

…finally, Darwinism is catching up!!!

Cape Clod January 14, 2009 at 2:44 pm

So Palin didn’t even bring in a reliably large measure of the Hillbilly vote? Are some of them smarter than us suburban elites are giving them credit for being? Also?

Monsieur Grumpe January 14, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Don’t worry Worse People, when your numbers are low enough you’ll be put on an endangered species list and then you’ll be entered into a breeding program. I suspect by that time the gene pool will be so shallow that web toed morons will be the main outcome, which, by current standards, will be an improvement. You’re welcome!

AngryBlakGuy January 14, 2009 at 2:48 pm

…I suspect the cumulative effect of meth, moon-shine, huffing paint and having a gene pool as deep as an inflatable kiddie pool finally caught up to the south!!!

Crow T. Robot January 14, 2009 at 2:55 pm

“leaving a nation of sexy multi-racial city slickers who drive hybrids and do anal on first dates.’

My kind of people.

Servo January 14, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Here in Upstate New York, it’s attrition through stupidity. They ram cars into telephone poles in the summer, and snowmobiles into trees in the winter. The genetic feedback loop amplifies the anomalies and attenuates common sense.

Dildo Baggins January 14, 2009 at 2:59 pm

[re=218686]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I blame the rise of turkey deep-friers. Hey Bubba, don’t drop a frozen bird in there! Whoa!

Plus, if you survive the cooking process, you end up looking like the wheelbarrow dude, and I don’t think you can get your willy out to diddle your cousin when you’re pushing 650.

sezme January 14, 2009 at 3:01 pm

In the future, kids will be doing anal on their first dates during dinner. Statistics don’t lie.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO January 14, 2009 at 3:05 pm

Come on, we need at least a few of these people around so Hollywood can keep making shitty Deliverence rip offs like “Wrong Turn”…


Eliza Dushku….

ladymacbeth January 14, 2009 at 3:06 pm

i wonder if those tracker hillbillies actually survived the election or if their heads ‘sploded.

assistant/atlas January 14, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=218658]Doglessliberal[/re]: I just assumed wooden dildo meant Al Gore, but I suppose it works just as well for either guy. Fun with words!

Mad Farmer Manifest January 14, 2009 at 3:10 pm

As the resident semi-rural farmer, I suppose I should have a well-studied opinion on this. Here goes: Ha ha, you dumb pig fuckers! All those toxic chemicals and the stupidity are finally catching up with you!

Wait, that came out wrong.

How can their numbers be dropping so much? I run into plenty of dipshits daily. I’m guessing the dipshits don’t vote (too busy shooting their AK-47s into the ravine). Even the slow rural voters are figuring out that the GOP has been assfucking them, without permission. Or lube.

Texan Bulldoggette January 14, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Gee, what’s it say about Esquire that they feature Nate Silver (a guy who’s ummmm … SMART) & white trash snowbilly grifter Palin in the same publication??

kudzu January 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Inbreeding can only take you so far, which is good.

Ken Layne January 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

[re=218730]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: I, too, live in America’s rural wonderland. And it sure doesn’t seem like the cretin population is in decline. Then again, most of them don’t vote, or even know what voting involves, as it doesn’t involve Little Caesars’ five-dollar pizzas, Taco Bell, Bud Lite suitcases or dirt bikes.

Jukesgrrl January 14, 2009 at 3:21 pm

[re=218734]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Esquire will live to regret the Palin. Unless they published her comments in her original girly handwriting, complete with hearts and smilies, she will take up two future news cycles complaining that they misconstrued her meaning or called her kid a drop-out or something.

On the other hand, they will not regret Nate, because I will buy anything with him in it I bet you will, too.

Gorillionaire January 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Nate’s probably right (as always). The little hillbilly town that I grew up in is getting so desolated the friggin’ hillbilly hospital is actually laying off nurses. It’s probably the one town in America where a certified RN can’t get a job!

Fivetree January 14, 2009 at 3:37 pm

They were too busy to vote, they were out yonder in the yard, bustin’ up some shifarobes.

Citizen Kang January 14, 2009 at 3:43 pm

OK…who needs a first date?

Lascauxcaveman January 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=218755]Ken Layne[/re]: I think you’re right about the Cretin demographic not voting so much, but dammit, it’s taking the Olds a long time to die off and quit voting wrong. I blame modern medicine!

When I was a youngster; ya got old, ya died. Not all this sitting around listening to Rush Limbaugh on the A.M. “newsradio” all day, then asking for a ride to the polls.

Doglessliberal January 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=218755]Ken Layne[/re]: or, American Idol.

Doglessliberal January 14, 2009 at 3:45 pm

[re=218801]Citizen Kang[/re]: what, you just pull random strangers off the sidewalk for quickies?

Godot January 14, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=218658]Doglessliberal[/re]: I think the context implied that said wooden dildo was unfinished and thus very likely to produce splinters, thus countering its own intended purpose, which I believe fits Kerry quite nicely.

TexasCowGirl January 14, 2009 at 3:58 pm

This does not suprise me. Barry even won the county in Virginia where Palin made her foolish “real America” statement. They told the ignorant bitch to fuck herself too.

Czn939 January 14, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Eliza Dushku. First Date. ‘Nuff said. Also.

Trace January 14, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Well, I’ll be glad if the redneck tards die out, however it happens, but I always sort of hoped they’d be eaten slowly and painfully by something.

Oh, well. Can’t have it all.

larz January 14, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Evolution is sure hard on hillbillies. Maybe that’s why they refuse to believe…

Trace January 14, 2009 at 4:13 pm

[re=218755]Ken Layne[/re]: Oh, and I’m posting again so soon, but damn it, that Little Caesar’s thing was a low blow. Do you know what it’s like to make it through a hard, dismal day and know you’ve got one of those five dollar grease frisbees waiting for you? It’s comforting, that’s what it is. And it hurts me that the rednecks have apparently tainted (lol) this simple, meager joy. One of the few I have left in this American hellscape.

I wonder if I can get a free pizza for waxing all gay about them on the Wonkette.

Mustang January 14, 2009 at 4:17 pm

[re=218860]Trace[/re]: I KNOW! That stuff Ken mentioned sounds like all the fixin’s for a good time.

magic titty January 14, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Ken Layne – this post was the funny. Many thanks.

sevenrepeat January 14, 2009 at 4:47 pm

so mr. trudy owns a row boat and lives 5 miles downstream from town. he goes to town twice a day at 3 miles per hour upstream and warp 7.8 downstream while being tickled by a 3 foot midget. how long will it take for mr. trudy to disappear from rural america?

Citizen Kang January 14, 2009 at 5:38 pm


It’s a brave, new world, my dear.

Dildo Baggins January 14, 2009 at 5:40 pm

You know it seems like rednecks come in only two sizes these days: meth-skank skinny and wheelbarrow dude. Someone needs to put the meth-oxycontin-food distribution chain back into equilibrium.

jagorev January 14, 2009 at 5:47 pm

do anal on first dates.

So this is why I never get a second date?

bitchincamaro January 14, 2009 at 6:44 pm

Come on. The mouthbreathers here in NYC may not sound like Jethro, but last I checked there was no shortage of crimson ’round the collar up in here.

plowman January 14, 2009 at 8:44 pm

What the fuck does being a redneck have to do with living in the country, ever been to Queens?

ZombieRichardFeynman January 14, 2009 at 9:27 pm

[re=218755]Ken Layne[/re]: Bud Lite!? Must be a bunch of elitist white trash where you live down there in Californey. Up here near Hell’s Canyon only the deer hunters from Portland drink that high-class stuff. When I had a general store I sold Keystone Lite by the truckload. The same cooler-shelf of Bud would sit there all summer till deer season started and the cityfolk started arriving.

sati demise January 14, 2009 at 10:13 pm

[re=218790]Fivetree[/re]: so win.

bago January 15, 2009 at 6:47 am

If you aren’t related to the brewer in three degrees or less in the nw they bust your ass.

bitchincamaro January 15, 2009 at 8:58 am

[re=219123]plowman[/re]: See [re=219064]bitchincamaro[/re]

KissassBlaster January 15, 2009 at 9:39 am

glad to see Tim Robbins’s mom is still in the news

DustBowlBlues January 15, 2009 at 11:08 am

How many more decades until Oklahoma gets the memo?

CorkPopper January 15, 2009 at 11:15 am

[re=219123]plowman[/re]: Oh yes. I used to love when my unionized, well compensated, generously benefitted bus driver neighbor used to sit on the stoop smoking cigars listening to AM radio and bitching about the damn liberals. Yes, my neighbor was Archie Bunker. Only not so charming in real life, when the screamed obscenities of their white trash fights reverberated through the building at 1 am.

richardwb1 January 18, 2009 at 12:43 am

[re=219123]plowman[/re]: “You’re from Queens?
I’m from normal parents myself.”
- John Turturro, ‘Desperately Seeking Susan.’

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