Wonkette
Some guy who was college buddies with Barbara Bush (the young one) went to the White House for dinner a couple times during George W. Bush’s first term, and now he feels icky about it because of the war, and because he is gay. Is this just a completely banal retelling of a fairly boring bunch of stories, or is it the most fascinating thing ever…OR BOTH?
Here are some nifty things we learn from our intrepid essayist, C. Brian Smith:
- He had half a “marijuana cigarette” (that’s “joint” in ghetto parlance, yes?) in his pack of Camel Lights the first time he went to the White House.
- Barney the dog farts a lot.
- Laura Bush is “impossibly delightful.”
- The President insisted on giving this guy the dumbest nickname you can ever hope to give a Smith (trust your editor on this one!), which is “Smitty.”
- The President drinks a lot of “non-beer.”
- This guy Brian eventually felt bad that he had dinner, like a civilized person, with his college friend’s dad because his college friend’s dad turned out to be a warmongering creep.
Dude lighten up, there is nothing wrong with a couple free dinners, especially when you’re 22! It’s not like you chaired his re-election campaign or led his stupid war into a ditch. YOU ATE CHICKEN POT PIE WITH THE MAN, YOU DO NOT GO TO HELL FOR THAT.
My Dinners with Dubya [Vanity Fair]
He had half a “marijuana cigarette” (that’s “joint” in ghetto parlance, yes?) in his pack of Camel Lights the first time he went to the White House.
Dude, that’s not even enough to get G.W. started. And he was invited back?
…YOU ATE CHICKEN POT PIE WITH THE MAN, YOU DO NOT GO TO HELL FOR THAT.
Yeah, but you do burn in hell for having the “Gayz”!
Everything named Barney farts a lot.
Also, this kid is a douche.
“YOU ATE CHICKEN POT PIE WITH THE MAN, YOU DO NOT GO TO HELL FOR THAT.”
This would indeed be true, except that in this White House, the chicken pot pies are made out of bits of Iraqi prisoners. Enjoy eternity with Dick Cheney.
I take it by “impossibly delightful” he means drunk-off-her-ass-all-the-freakin’-time.
Bush didn’t notice this kid’s horns and cloven hooves?
Serolf Divad: I mean really. This is the same security detail that did not even require man-whore Jeff Gannon to sign in when wandering the halls of the White House unescorted. By that token this kid could have brought a brick of hashish stuffed into his crotch and nobody would have looked askance.
I know nothing about drug jargon as you can tell.
I haven’t read the piece — does the President also drink a lot of “non-whiskey?”
Oh God, Bush drinks O’Douls. I didn’t think it would be possible to have less respect for the man, but there you go. I mean shit, I thought that’s why we have iced tea, so alcoholics don’t have to drink that near-beer crap.
“impossibly delightful” brought to you by Pfizer.
wow, he watched Ally McBeal with Ken Blackwell? Case closed.
I’m sorry. I couldn’t get past the fact that a fucking GAY YALIE would “tap the breaks” and put on the “emergency break.” GAH!
That’s the old age saying: When you eat dinner with Bushes, you get taint.
“Last month I graduated from Yale and moved to Washington, D.C., to start a band with my best friend, Jeff.”
Gannon?
The President drinks a lot of “non-beer.”
Which he chases the whiskey with….
I can’t bring myself to read all that crap. How does it end? Does W let him press the Red Button?
…there are only 2 types of people that should ever be nicknamed “Smitty”.
1) You are a 1940’s mobster underling.
2) You are a frat kid that can chug a liter of Jack Daniels.
Since when did Eli Manning go to college with Barbara Bush???
magic titty: what do purple dinosaur farts smell like?
I think the real story here is that the hot Bush twin is a fag hag.
queeraselvis v 2.0:
Bah, you beat me to it. I guess that’s what happens when you substitute spellcheck for an editor.
Now if he had sparked that doob in the oval office and had his college friend’s dad go down on him there; then he’d have a story.
Otherwise, this is just more of the “I’ve had dinner at the White House and you haven’t” type of thing youngsters wave in each others’ faces to feel important.
And did he still have said joint when he left the White House? It would be a shame if some seed fell out and burned a presidential carpet.
Serolf Divad: agree, Bush needs the real stuff, not college shit
He and Barbara made play dates to enjoy “karaoke and sake”. That’s almost as sad as Bush drinking NA beer.
queeraselvis v 2.0: This troubled me too.
Also, this guy is “currently working on a Family Guy spin-off, and has been writing for the political comedy blog 236.com”. Could he not have brought some more humor to this earnest hand-wringing thing?
Only half a spliff? (How’s that for jargon? I just went international on your ass) I bet he didn’t smoke the other half before he went in. I bet he didn’t, ’cause GW would have spotted that in a second. His elitist ass did go to the Phillips Academy and Yale, after all. The man knows a stoned douche when he is one, I mean sees one.
Any man using the phrase “impossibly delightful” doesn’t require any further announcement of his gayness.
Potential book titles:
1. I Ate Bush’s Pot-Pie
2. What Happened: Dog Farts From The Oval Orifice
Lascauxcaveman: It’s worse than that; it’s “I’ve had dinner so many goddam times in The White House, I actually feel bad about it” dick-waving.
Holden Caufield returns.
More Bono.
Since near beer contains from .1-.5% alcohol (verus 3-4% for real beer), it is possible, if he chugged steadily, Bush has been buzzed for the past 8 years. I wish that excused anything he has done, but alas, no, he is just an evil moron.
AngryBlakGuy: I think there is also a guy-who-works-in-construction-can-be-called-Smitty exception.
mookworthjwilson: I was going to say Tom Brady!
ella: Any man using the phrase “impossibly delightful” doesn’t require any further announcement of his gayness.
Yeah, that kinda screamed out at me as well.
Also bizarre is that he finds “Xanaxed-to-the-freakin-gills” to be “impossibly delightful”
What if it was Gitmo prisoner pot pie, would that bother you, Sara K. Smitty?
I think he needs a date to the Texas Inaugural Ball. Also.
Doglessliberal: http://www.giantsfootballblog.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/07/eli_manning.jpg They are like twins…they even have the same bad haircut.
A couple of months ago, I found half a joint on the floor at my post office.
Sorry to any NY Giants fans but that kid looks an awful lot like Eli Manning. Can an NFL player have teh gay & not get his jock strap ummmm…..placed tightly around his neck?
I guess all that drinking back in the 70s must have shot Dubya’s gaydar, as well as liver. This dude is a flamer.
“The President drinks a lot of “non-beer.””
Homos help me out here (my gay’s a little rusty) but I believe that’s code-speak for “he swallows”. Am I wrong?
All that non-beer goes straight to his non-brain.
Kev-O-Tron: Spot on.
mookworthjwilson: my god. Do we know where papa Manning was 22 years ago…?
You’re going to be seeing a lot more cars in a condition similar to his, in the next few years.
As usual, the Wonkette Comment Squad makes me pee soup. Soooo funny BWAAHAHAHA!
Is there an reason to have read this article once you saw it was authored by somone called C. Brian Smith? People who goes by the first letter of their first name should be immediately junkpunched.
Doglessliberal: I knew a recovering alcoholic who drank upwards of 25 cans of near-beer a day, just to get that little buzz. He was not a happy man. But just happy enough.
AngryBlakGuy: a bartender. also.
Funny how C. Brian Smith’s disillusionment with Dubya happened the month of the inauguration.
Six months ago: Dude, I was so at the White House! The Prez gave me a nickname and everything!
Clicking on the link does bring back happy memories….of Christopher Hitchens being waterboarded….Thanks Vanity Fair. Yay, kthanxbai.
S.Luggo: Really. As if the world needs more literature from anguished preppies who, having been handed every imaginable advantage in life, whine about it.
There are definitely more gayz in the white house than straightz. This much is known.
space stout: You drink at Morton’s in Tyson’s also?
Sorry to all teh gayz, but I’m kind of disappointed that Barbara (the young one) is a fag-hag.
Not exactly a ’stop the presses’ story, is it? Besides, it’s hard to stop the (virtual) presses of teh intarwebs.
Doglessliberal: …agreed!
This angst-ridden gay kid is fascinating and all.
But I’m waiting for our Wonkette overlords to start talking about Diaperman Vitter moving to block the TARP funds. Douchetastic.
space stout: …agreed x2!
Rove probably fought to sit directly across from him at the dinners.
So, Barbara Jr. is a fag hag?
Thank you for posting the bullet points. I tried reading the story but, God, I’ve seen more interesting prose on the back of Nyquil bottle.
“Laura Bush is “impossibly delightful.”” == next gay icon
Memo to Obama: watch out when Sasha and Malia bring their friends back from Sidwell Friends for a play-date. Those little fuckers (not Sasha and Malia, natch) will rat you out 8 years from now, perhaps sooner, and you and your Muslin ways will be finally exposed.
Texan Bulldoggette: I hear Eli does the “greased lightening” dance at weddings and is basically a huge dork. Doesn’t that automatically bar him from being gay?
randomsausage: “I’m telling ya, I got all freaked out when he motioned us into a room right off the dining room and offered us cigarettes and a swig from his bumper of Bull. He said he had to sneak it when he could cause the press is always looking for something. It was really strange.”
What a dick. Blew his opportunity to do the world a favor by opening his magic, Catherine De Medeci ring, and slipping poison into Ws O’Douls. What a twit. Is it me or am i actually happy that i didn’t go to an Ivy League School? Dude’s a nitwit.
You know, Smitty, if you really feel bad about enjoying the pleasures of dining with a war criminal, you could always sign up with the Army as penitence.
Pat Pending: Slow Neanderthals.
Is “Eating Chicken Pot Pie” a new gayz slang for tossing the salad??
Re: Barbara Jr.’s ‘fruit fly’ nature…if every small-dicked Repub douchebag in the world saw your vagina as a ticket to the inner sanctum of the White House, you’d only hang out with the gheyz, too.
Handsome chefs delivering chicken pot pie? Who wrote this, Benny Hill?
“non-beer.” (that’s “Mad Dog” in ghetto parlance, yes?)
I’m going to imagine that “non-beer” means towering glasses of straight bourbon and Tennessee whiskey, drunk from the good White House crystal. Besides being a cool mental picture, its the only thing that could explain the last eight years.
So let’s say I’m going to eat with my friend’s parents… um, anywhere. I leave my pack of cigarettes (w/ or w/o pot) in my car. The use and mention of the pot makes it seem like a literary tool and him like an ordinary tool.
Doglessliberal:…or a pirate. ARRGG!!!
Barbara might like the pop cultural stylings of teh gays, but she is no hag.
Jenna, hell, she is the ice on the witch’s tit as it were, but Barbara is so nice you can throw her up in the air and she will turn into sunshine.
And under full disclosure, I have had to personally throw both these fine ladies out of my parties back in Texas due to the rock and roll decadence occuring, mostly out of fear of their grandfather, and definitely not due their near-beer dad. I’ve been known to call pizzas on him.
BTW, Alcohol/alcohol-free beer: not more than 0.05% ABV. May take a case, or two, or three, but you can still get drunk off that shit.
An Outhouse: No. Not even as a joke.
This reminds me of those glorious times at Stanford when we “friends of Chelsea” would use the thinnest of openings to bring up in conversation stories about the White House or how we had met one or both of the Clintons.
See what I did there?
Must have been a long movie. At the beginning of the piece it’s June; by the time the flick is over it’s “One month after the worst attack in U.S. history.”
Ironic that you write a column entitled “ETIQUETTE”.
Get Some.
Ironic that you write a column called “ETIQUETTE”
Get some.