Awarding himself the consolation prize. When George W. Bush Junior started that goddamned whining during his Last Press Conference, we wanted to crawl through the television screen and throttle him, right there, while he was still technically president. Tragically, current television technology doesn’t allow this type of full-immersion interactive Wii hate — hurry up, digital teevee! — so we’re still pretty annoyed 12 hours later. Hmm, target for late-night rage, where are you? Ah, Fred Barnes! A comical human dildo, wearing eyeglasses! What kind of ludicrous horseshit could the Weekly Standard executive editor deliver for America, in our Hour of Darkness? George W. Bush was actually a great president, that’s what!

Now, in reader-friendly comedy bullet-point style, we bring you Fred Barnes’ 10 Reasons why this stupid preppy bully, this vulgar power-mad imbecile who even failed at drinking, George Bush Junior, was so awesome:

  • Bravely insisted that random Arabs be tortured everywhere.
  • Boldly blocked any attempts to get a handle on Climate Change eight whole years ago, because what’s the rush?
  • Completely fucked over the U.S. Constitution and stacks of federal law, because why not, Nixon was probably a good dude!
  • Always 100% behind Israel, because Israel has never, ever been wrong about anything in History. It’s where Jesus lives!
  • No Child Left Behind: This stupid program of busy-work madrassa-style rote learning, this doofus Big Government federal intrusion into the lives of your five-year-old children as American literacy and math scores have dramatically plunged, is Bush’s “fifth success,” according to this alleged Conservative editor.
  • Bush “promotes democracy” by literally destroying the people and infrastructure of various countries with oil reserves. This is bold!
  • The Medicare prescription drug benefit program, which is a Socialized Medicine congressional program, is also a great victory of the conservative George W. Bush who wanted to take old people’s social security and put it in the stock market.
  • Bush installed two middle-aged wingnuts on the Supreme Court, which is a great victory against those stupid enough to be born poor or black or female. But just imagine if Bush’s real choice, Harriet Miers, had become his favorite fancy judge ever!
  • Barnes: “He strengthened relations with east Asian democracies (Japan, South Korea, Australia) without causing a rift with China. On top of that, he forged strong ties with India.” OMFG, so the Bush Administration managed to not fuck up some of the basic, standard, major relationships with American allies in Asia. GENIUS!
  • THE SURGE. Thanks to George Junior W. Bush bravely ignoring EVERYONE from his own father to every living American diplomat and general, Iraq is now a peaceful, free and prosperous nation and American Troops returned home as Victors during the Victor/Victory Parade of July 4, 2007. Good-bye, Terrorisms! Even Afghanistan is free today!

Bush’s Achievements: Ten things the president got right [Weekly Standard]

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  1. Goddamn you Ken, we are just trying to drink and watch our DVDs of “One Day at a Time”. Now I have to get righteous? Sweet fucking Raptor Jesus.

  2. Yeah but you’ll notice he didn’t bring the Rapture. So suck it Fred.

    I wonder what Fred’s column will be the day after Bush is physically torn apart by ravening throngs numbering in the thousands? I’m imagining reference to “the hem of his garment” or some such.

  3. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I has a sad after reading this. Thanks, my Wonkette.

    I find refuge in the fact I’ll be reading/hearing the words “President Obama” for the next 4 to 8 years.

  4. We should also thank Bush’s shifty demeanor and innate untrustworthiness for keeping us from taking his insane Social Security initiative seriously.

  5. That his only actual achievement, the greater aid provided to the poor in Africa, was completely ignored by Fred Barnes only tell us how completely clueless the modern conservatives are.

  6. [re=217015]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Well his attempt to wield the ninja star seems to be horrifically unsuccessful. But I guess first time tries aren’t counted.

  7. [re=217026]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]:

    Scarily accurate. His greatest achievement is not dying.

    The phrase “President Cheney” causes my balls to retreat into my ribcage. Thank you for staying alive, GW.

    OH GOD does this mean that George Bush is our greatest president ever?

  8. GOOD GOD! I’m getting flashbacks to Reagan! Just as vapid & out of touch, but GOP ‘revisionist history’ has remade him into a hero.

    I remember the Capitol-Steps performers in DC had a great skit called “Working 9 to 10 (AM), whatta way to make a living…” re. Reagan’s notorious lack of work ethic.

    Americans have such short attention spans! Pls don’t let my kids learn in HS that Bush somehow protected us from terrorism or some such crap, Laura Bush is already spewing!

  9. Hey, my little boy had almost that same sash and medal. He made his from an old lawn chair and a pie cutter. He used to say he was Bob the Builder Saves Scoop. He’d say, “I’m Bob the Builder Saves Scoop!” And double amazing, he could never quite get his “medal” on either.

    That’s some nice award stuff you have there, Mr. President of the United States of America. You be sure to take that to Paraguay with you. Laura can help you with the medal; maybe she’ll even be Scoop. The Builder rocks, dude.

  10. I’m still saying that ducking that shoe was his finest moment. Seriously.

    Along with that time he said he was the Decider. Because that made me giggle.

    And the word strategery. Because I have been able to annoyingly interject it into the ongoing strategic planning process at my place of employment approximately 75,389 times. This will probably cause me to lose my job. And that will not be one of George W. Bush’s finest moments.

  11. “The [Kyoto] treaty was a disaster, with India and China exempted and economic decline the certain result.

    Economic decline, huh? Good thing we avoided that, then!

  12. If my movie studio wasn’t going bankrupt, I’d greenlight a political thriller about the Bush administration higher ups escaping to Brazil. Cloning would be a major plot point.

  13. Copies of Barnes’ love letter to Bush can be found here:

    Used & new from $0.02

    “His disdain for newspaper-reading is well-known, but Barnes goes to great lengths to detail the president’s copious book-reading habit (five to every one that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reads), from Michael Crichton’s State of Fear and Margaret MacMillian’s Paris 1919 to Natan Sharansky’s The Case for Democracy and David McCullough’s 1776.”

  14. True Story:

    I live in Houston and I do repair work in grocery stores.
    Today I was at the Whole Foods in the ritzy part of the city. Barbara Bush was in there shopping, with a Secret Service guy in tow. A bit later we were laughing at outakes from W’s farewell, watching TV in the break room.

    It dawned on us that Barbara was shopping when this was happening in real time. So Dubya is giving his farewell press conference after two terms and his own MOTHER didn’t even care enough to sit home and watch it.


  15. Only choking on a pretzel once?
    Not vomiting on foreign heads of state?
    At least remembering to put on his pants before he went out in public?

  16. [re=217041]skutre[/re]: Whole Foods! I can’t see Babs shopping there. Bush claimed (via Suskind’s Price of Loyalty) that his mother pulled everything she cooked out of the freezer. She wouldn’t have any trouble paying their prices, tho.

  17. Man, it could have been so much worse. He could have been a brilliant military thinker who managed to win the loyalty and admiration of our military. Thank the stars Bush was an evil monkey with downs syndrome. There will be no coup d’etat. That was pretty much my biggest fear. At least he’s leaving office.

    I think there’s a good chance there will be few historians left to look back on this period from the distant future. I don’t know, but I’m guessing revisionism will be an epic fail if the historians have to fight with wild animals for scraps of food in the ruins of modern cities. Bush will be the new name of the devil passed down through the post apocalyptic generations.

  18. I thought the South Koreans had started hating us with the same vigor as the rest of the world. Oh well. If Fred Barnes says it, it must be true.

  19. Thoughts on an upcoming memoir

    The Moving Finger writes; and having writ,
    Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit
    Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
    Nor all your Tears wash out a word of it.

    from the Rubber Yacht

  20. He’s gonna retire and become the head of national repo firm. And he’ll break a lots of petty laws in his private life too, all the time, just to piss us off.

  21. ROFL. Bush “strengthened our relationships with the Asian democracies”? We flushed Taiwan down the toilet and worked hard to help re-install the previous authoritarian party while claiming that the pro-democracy team was ‘provoking China’ and were so pro-China that Japan has become alarmed at American stupidity and even US neocons became alarmed at Bush’s policy. Just last week the Japan Institute of International Studies had a piece in which the writer pointed out that the idea that America strengthened its relationship with Japan is a purely American one. I quote from my blogpost on it:

    As for addressing the nation’s traditional allies, the Japanese Institute of International Affairs wrote this week:

    Many American experts argue that the Bush administration had many diplomatic successes in Asia, such as a stronger Japanese-U.S. alliance, a stronger partnership with China, and an improved strategic alignment, if not yet an alliance, with India. But many Japanese, including myself, are inclined to disagree.

    Many Japanese also believe that the United States has become too dependent upon China’s financial and trading power and thus has reduced its strategic options. With its huge dollar reserve, China now has the United States in a bind, as it now would have difficulty confronting China’s military power, helping defend Taiwan, or imposing sanction on Beijing in response to its poor record on human rights and treatment of minorities. Japan, too, is in a similar situation, since China is the largest trading partner. Nonetheless, it would like Washington to have a wider array of strategic options for Japan’s and its own security.

    The US tilt toward China is placing Japan in a very awkward position. The Bush Administration worked assiduously to get Ma Ying-jeou elected, and the KMT is rewarding the administration by putting Taiwan directly into China’s orbit, blowing a hole in 50 years of diplomatic effort.

    There is hardly an aspect of american life in which the Bush Administration has not been an utter train wreck. Worse thing is Obama’s team likes Bush’s Asia policy….

  22. Funny, because I’m making my own list of Bush’s Epic Fails and it overlaps considerably with Fred’s. Glad I don’t live on Bizarro World with him.

  23. …you left out his greatest achievement! Bringing the shear awesomeness of the “Free-Market” cluster fuck to the entire world! Can you imagine what this world be like without successful ideas like credit default swaps, derivatives and other meta-physical based financial concepts?! I for one love the fact that my foreclosed to hell mortgage has been grinded up and repackaged like cheap supermarket hot dogs. Speaking of hot dogs, I have to go and forage through the dumpster behind the mall now. If I wait any longer Shorts will get all the good stuff. Thanks a lot “W”, you will be missed!!!

  24. Frankly, I think the one productive thing he did was grow a tumor in his colon.
    [re=217018]sanantonerose[/re]: He did make progressive blogs a force to be reckoned with, and God knows, forging millions of middle brow, sex crazed drunks into a political movement is something of a miracle.

  25. I think the list is pretty complete – but what is really impressive about Bush was that he accomplished all of this and always was able to project a nice smile.

  26. Wait a minute! Are comments not allowed on that lovely Bush post? I would have loved to offered more achievements that our last and greatest president has, like, achieved. But to not allow comments on a conservative article!? Most unusual!

  27. I never would have imagined in the dark times of the year 2000 that we could one day enjoy friendly relations with Australia. Thank you, George W. Bush.

  28. ifthethunderdontgetya: Not so fast… There are still a few days left for us all to be destroyed by an alien invasion or a rapidly spreading virus.

  29. [re=217084]TheChung[/re]:

    You’re the problem with liberal interventionists in the U.S.. You can’t tell what are really authoritarian governments and what are not. Sometimes you liberals do awesome stuff internationally – about Vietnam, Palestine, Yugoslavia. But sometimes you just don’t think, you call some left-wing governments like China “dictatorships” when they’re probably a lot more democratic than the U.S. For example, a lot of the things the Chinese did in the Cultural Revolution were wrong and caused immense destruction, something that even the PRC admits these days. But no scholar denies that the Cultural Revolution was probably “one of the finest examples of the power of the people in history”. Those are not my words, but the words of an American professor whose name I’ve forgotten.

  30. Ken, how can you read such tripe without your eyeballs melting right out of your skull, like the Nazis at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, not that I’m calling you a Nazi, though I could see you tying Harrison Ford to a stake. Mmmm. What was I saying?

  31. I still have no clue why every pundit in America accepted the idea that “the Surge™ was good and righteous.” Yes, you can clamp down on violence by paying off our erstwhile enemies and by building giant blast walls to separate communities while the skies above them are patrolled 24/7 by helicopters and drones that will fire missiles at any potential threat, but how is that achieving political reconciliation (the original goal of the surge) and who would want to live in that society?

  32. I forgot about Harriet Miers. What is she doing now? She probably took on a job as a high school lunch lady. She’d make a shitty lunch lady.

  33. [re=217153]Neon Trotsky[/re]: Simple. The Surge was simply a propoganda lifeline thrown to the press so they could fulfill their “victory” narrative without having to actually use the word “victory,” knowing that if they used the word “victory” their readers would react to by cancelling their subscriptions.

    Which they’re doing anyway, so HAH!

  34. It’s good to see that some people haven’t been depressed out of their minds for the past eight years. I’m a little bitter at Fred Barnes for not sharing his Kool-Aid, though. Must be nice out there in Lalaland.

    On Point #9: I was in 7th grade when Bush got “elected” and such, but if I remember correctly he did get us into a bit of trouble with the Chinese at the beginning of his first term. The original cause of the conflict escapes me and I don’t remember if it even had a name, but I do remember it involved Bush doing something stupid and machismo. All the talking heads on CNN were positive it would turn into a military conflict. That is definitely a “rift.”

  35. [re=217309]Robobot[/re]: That would be the spy plane that was intercepted by the Chinese. Team Bush couldn’t figure out what to do (no money in it evidently) and nothing productive happened until a certain Mr. Clinton volunteered his services.
    Same deal when the US submarine sank the Japanese school boat and killed those students. Funny how 9/11 completely erased those events from America’s collective memory.

  36. The conservative pundits after the Bush finale were a defining moment, actually: there they were saying the same nonsense that had put food on their tables since Ronnie Reagan, and suddenly it was perceived by all as 100 percent nonsense — “Meet the Press” does “The Emporer’s New Clothes.” Not that the liberal pundits were much better — when will journalists learn that their ridiculous “insider” opinions undermine what is often good journalism done in the newsroom? It’s the same lack of logic that says a pollster can determine the meaning of an election because he can break down the voting demographics. What a great news show PBS would have if it could just cure the pundit cancer! Oh well, I love the first six minutes, which is more hard news than anyone else on t.v. is doing.

  37. What do you expect from The Weekly Standard?

    In years to come, we shall fart fanfares of praise for George W. Bush after consuming large amounts of hobobeans: flatulent fanfares of freedom! Let freedom ring! Or whatever.

  38. [re=217132]Herunar[/re]: I… I’m nearly speechless. Trust me, doll. China is a fucking dictatorship. It doesn’t matter that some examples of the socialist roots of the country are inspirational. It doesn’t matter that they united a warring country under a common government. My Uighur friends and students were regularly disappeared for the crime of owning a Qur’an. Don’t even get my started on “elections” in the Middle Kingdom.

  39. The sheer audacity of Bush’s failures and cronyism lead me to call bullshit on the Africa thing. There is something in it for someone somewhere. Either he is getting kickbacks from the companies that make the medicine or they are being allowed to run experiments on the people they give the drugs to or something.

    Bush et al does not know how to just give anything.

  40. What’s this bullshit about how now nobody believes in global warming and that there is actually global cooling? What? What the fuck what scientists is this guy talking about?

  41. You forgot:

    -turning Regent University into a pipeline university for law students who want to enter the Justice Dept
    -Finally ending all that confusion as to what branch of office the VP belongs to
    -Turning Lousinia into a Republican stronghold thanks to the migration of many democratic leaning minorities
    -Doing great work promoting “My Pet Goat”
    -Giving jobs to poor Afghani farmers by giving them jobs planting poppy plants for heroin dealers
    -Making it possible that he screws things up so much that huge percentage of the population decides to vote for a half black guy with a Muslim name

  42. I remember when Fred Barnes bragged about how frustrated the liberals were over the “stunning success” of Bush’s foreign policy.

    Is Fred Barnes stupider than Douglas Feyth? This is an important question. I want to know who is the Stupidist Fucking Man In The World.

  43. Alright Ken, we get it, you would have liked to have shoe’d ‘W’.
    Not enough to give up a little of teh buttsex to one of Karls boys so you could get the press pass so that you might actually shoe the douchenozzel, but enough that you will whine ferociously that your game console doesn’t have a “Shoe the Commander in Chief” button you can use in times like these.
    What can I tell you Ken but that we’re all…disappointed in you.
    Needless to say, your application for employment with the CIA has been turned down, we’ll contact you if their are any opening in the future….

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