Wonkette
All of the fit youngsters in America have already been sent off to War, so the only people left on the home front are pre-teens, very old people, and the obese. Various military/first responder spokespeople in this tragic AP article blame an epidemic of fat volunteers on “a lack of physical education in the high schools” and “a hard time understanding a healthy diet and the importance of daily exercise.” Jesus, you know we are doomed when fucking Army recruiters sound like a pack of sissypants liberals. You also know we are doomed when the Army has literally run out of non-obese people to recruit. [AP]
All Yanks would be svelte if they worked as hard as SKS.
Pardon me, but I must rub my nose. There seems to be something brown on it.
Making them wear yellow uniforms will be the easy part. Convincing our enemies to dress up as blue ghosts will be a tougher sell, but it will be SO worth it.
You also know we are doomed when the Army has literally run out of non-obese people to recruit.
What, is it necessary to recruit more saps to fight wars for oil?
So this is how the Republic ends. Not with a bang, but a Twinkie.
Everyone knows they’re fat because they don’t know Jesus. When you let Jesus into your heart all your problems are solved. Just look at Mike Huckabee: he let Jesus into his heart and lost, like, 280 lbs or something.
Harder to abduct.
Why are the pumas joining the army?
“Hey Stewardess, is there a movie on this flight?!”
“Sergeant Hulka is always gonna be here to be that big toe for us.”
Enemy bullets will bounce off their plump bodies.
I liked it better back in World War 1 and World War 2, when the press didn’t tell you how fat your soldiers were.
The only in shape military men are the gay ones.
Well if you’re trying to find a group that meets all the criteria:
1) Within recruitment age
2) Non-obese
3) Stupid enough to enlist
Then, yeah, it’s bound to be a pretty small group.
Well, my name’s Dewey Oxburger. My friends call me Ox. I dont know if you’ve noticed, but I got a slight weight problem.
I’m betting the DIs are itching to use Sgt Hartman lines from Full Metal Jacket on these guys:
“Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke piece o’ shit, Private FILL-IN-THE_BLANK, or did you have to work on it?”
“Oh that’s right, Private FILL-IN-THE_BLANK, don’t make any fucking effort to get to the top of the fucking obstacle. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn’t he?”
We not fat. We just likes gravities.
An army marches on its stomach after all. We’re #1!
bitchincamaro:
Or gravies. MMMMMM gravy!
Jeez, SKS, another article about “Joe” the Pajama Pooping Journo? Wait, what?
Gomer Pyle meets Divine
John Waters next movie
The fatties will be a welcome addition.
While in formation they will give the impression that there are more soldiers than there really are.
The enemy will retreat like the pussies they are.
Further ramifications of not allowing gays to openly serve. Atleast gay men. Sgt. Hulka does kinda look like a couple lesbians I know.
Lascauxcaveman: What about meth heads, like Sarah’s kid Transaxle or whatever? They do a terrific job of keeping their weight down.
shanemacgowan: That is comedy!
bitchincamaro: And graveys.
John Belushi, John Candy and Chris Farley walked into a recruitment office…
The New Fangled US of A “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Army!
http://members.home.nl/mww/covers/Divine%20-%20The%20Best%20Of%20(front).jpg
SKS, you’re not going to lure me in to comment on the fatties!
In other news, stocks soared for Soap Makers today…
space stout:
MEATballs hehe
chascates: sheer genius there, my dear chas!
So this means the 101st Fighting Keyboardists from Red State to Townhall.com have finally decided to heed their own blogging call to military service, this is most excellent. I do hope they release there is no respawn like in their precious Team Fortress.
And let’s save teh gay fatties for the coming rematch with Russia, that’ll be some hot Bear on Bear action.
Don’t worry, kids — you only have to be healthy through boot camp. After that, when you go to Iraq they’ll feed you all the sausage biscuits, greasy pizza and waffles you can stuff in your face. So after you’re healthy enough to get in, you’ll be able to eat like you’re in a high school cafeteria in Omaha.
It’s the Idiocracy. Someone, please take the time machine back to 1970 and tell people to read books and put away the Doritos and Big Gulps.
ISO: Person to protect the country.
Must love guns, chicks, shooting guns, and showering with dudes who love chicks.
No Fatties!
BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!! Ronald Burris seated to replace Obama in Illinois Senate. CNN broke it.
Nerdalicious: Aww fuck. Another bright day for American Democracy.
Darehead:
Here Here Darehead!
WadISay: Well, if they’re looking to kick (and I can’t think of any other reason they’d join up) then the six weeks of basic training while going through meth withdrawal would be awesome fun!
Nerdalicious: I’ll believe it when I see it carved in the mausoleum.
Otto Reimer: Ready to do my part against the Red menace. I guess I should stop shaving.
Luckily, I’m both middle-aged *and* fat.
Blago wins with his annoying chess playing before he gets impeached! I feel a Shakespearean Sonnet coming on or another Blago Press Conference.
Jon Stewart will be chisling another accomplishment on Burris’s mausoleum tonight.
Serolf Divad: That must be my problem. Instead of letting Jesus into my heart, I let in cheese and bacon.
Darehead:
Haaaaaaaaaaaaa! I wrote the following blog before I read your post! Our minds think as one
So the chubbies, who have spent most of their childhood sucking down malomars, pizza and fried chicken and scratching their massive butts while sitting on the couch to watch reruns of That 70s Show or play video games, getting their mother to drive them 4 fucking blocks to the 7-11 to stock-up on corn chips, and developing Type 2 goddam diabetes, want to join an organization where you have to march, run around and carry stuff? Logical. Are these kids really that dense?
S.Luggo:
Americans: Fat & Lazy
The Japanese said it!
Is Cnn turning into the National Enquirer. They spend 2 seconds on Burris getting seated then 10 min on that fake plane crash & 10 min on Prince Harry’s flub. WTF?
Sarah, Bristol, Willow and (in about 10 years) Piper Palin will provide the mens for our Armed Forces. Problem solved.
On Burris. I bet they did the 2 yr deal. What do you think?
They won’t need pockets. They can just hide their extra weapons in the fat rolls.
I’m so high & mighty. I am sittin’ here eating an apple. Then it’s carrot cake at 7pm!
You mean if I eat a lot of cheeseburgers and fries, I can’t get into the Army? Supersize it, please.
Stephen Colbert had the answer to this problem and the immigration problem last year. Capture these lean, hungry, aggressive Mexicans as the come across the border, and tell them they have two choices. Go back home, or join the army, and if they survive four years in Afghanistan and/or Iraq, they get to be citizens. What’s not to like?
I’m assuming Wonkette will live blog Bush’s ‘farewell and thanks for all the fish’ speech on Thursday night?
Nerdalicious: Naw. He get’s the full six, a new Cadillac and a lifetime supply of Applebees gift cards.
Yet another problem that could be solved simply by revoking “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.
Fat people can cover more ground.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Looks like residents of “Middle America” or “Real America” haven’t been boycotting faggy McDonalds like their conservative watchdog blogs insisted.
shortsshortsshorts: The people of Illinois must be so proud!
Well, and fat, like the rest of us…nom nom nom.
Just think of it as a cost-saving measure. The army is getting more cannon fodder pounds for its buck.
shortsshortsshorts:
And a book of “Blago’s Sonnet’s For The Impeached”
Read aloud by Mrs. Blago with “F” words inserted wherever she wants
Chisle this on your F****** mausoleum! ~Mrs. Blago
Yeah you’re right Burris probably got a sweet deal after that fiasco.
I think that about ten percent of the population is openly gay, and probably about ten percent of that(maybe, but probably less as they are most likely smarter than the rest of us) would actually want to join the military. So, though I do believe it should be repealed, I really don’t see how getting rid of don’t ask don’t tell will help. Fuck it. Lets just kill off those nasty fat genes and start over without all the diabetes. Also.
Serolf Divad: I think Huck just let a tapeworm into his life.
I sense a couple new startups in the works:
1. The Best Weight Loss METHod
2. Tapey the Weight Loss Worm: He grows so you don’t!
Nerdalicious: “Het opgevraagde bestand/pagina is niet bekend.”
Is this Dutch for “Teh gheys p\/\/n j00r 4rmy”?
The Haliburton clothing company got the new uniform contract.
In 2000, it says in this month’s Atlantic, there were 28 states with obesity rates below 20%. Guess how many there were seven years after.
I also read in Harper’s (better read ‘em while you can) that 11 of the 16 southern states have obesity rates of 24% or above. You know how many other states of the remaining 34 are in that shape?
Answers below.
One. Five.
Hound: well, the military did have to ‘let go’ 30 or so gays who could translate Arabic languages.
The anti gay factions and the corn-corn fed beef-corn syrup-high fructose corn syrup lobby will be responsible for the next terrorist attack.
Fuckin army, always behind the curve. With half the population unemployed and eating nothing but hobo beans and condiments, I’m thinking it won’t be long until they’ve got a svelte and willing demographic from which to recruit.
Nerdalicious: That last (doncha hope) poem Blago did for us was about Ulysses dreaming of a comeback after his long retirement to the nursing home. It may well be Blago’s theme while up at Sing Sing, if they still have a Sing Sing.
No way! Not my country !
i luvs me a good looking man in uniform but really, is there anything a donut can’t do?
nutcracker: It’s been done. However, from the Filipino experience ever since WWII, they don’t put too much stock in Uncle Sam’s promises.
you cannot be serious: “We OWE it to Sgt. Hulka to wind up face down in the gutter tonight!”
Do these fatigues make my ass look fat?
Hound: Nope on the ten percent. Here’s the way it went in the MSM.
A poll by Newsweek told us 1% of the population was gay.
The gays protested loudly and longly. Oh, no, it’s been shown and known, it’s 10%!
Okay, says Newsweek, we’ll run a correction. “90% OF GAYS ARE LIARS!”
Hound:
Do you know any gay people? Just FYI, not many of us are fat because we skinny gayz hunt them down and kill them with our withering scorn. So, see, that was the joke…but, ah, here I am explaining it so…well…must not have been much of one…
Never mind.
Bowdoin:
there once was a gov from nantucket
whose wife says “fugetabouit, f**** it”
Sing Sing was a drag
In Alcatraz I’m a Hag
If you can write the last line, I’ll sell ya a political post in pawtucket
Fat sloppy soldiers
Killing all the terrorists
Eating a Twinkie
Nerdalicious: and I carry my twat in this bucket?
Tyrone Biggums:
Bravo,Will First Assemblyman do?
“I’ve got something golden & I’m not letting go of this thing yarrrrrrrrraaaaaaaahhhhhhgggg!(Dean Scream)”
Nerdalicious:
…Don’t like it? Well then, you can suck it!
Tyrone Biggums:
You can pay me in twinkies, I’m joinin’ the Army! ~Blago
We can drop them from the sky. They will crush the terrorist scum.
Tie between Tyrone Biggums & Tommmmcatt!
We must have a last line off & then vote!
You can then be the First Assemblyman & pay me in Twinkies mmmmk?
shortsshortsshorts: Or set them on fire and roll them down a hill into the enemy’s camp like they did in Troy.
Hu, the Navy turned me away for being fat. Or maybe it was because I refuse to wear pants. And am fat.
So now it isn’t just the straight white male being oppressed, its the FATASS straight white male. Nice.
ManchuCandidate:
Riposte:
Five-six-two millimeter. Full. Metal. Jacket.
Love,
America’s CoD Playin’ Fatties
ManchuCandidate: Yeah, Private Pile didn’t end so well.
We must call War on KFC Bowls before it’s too late.
El Pinche: Did you say “bowls” or “bowels” because it’s hard to tell from the picture.
A bunch of fatties is better than a bunch of homos (gasp)!
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/
We’re now killing Al Qaeda with kielbasa burps?
Introducing Bleachy
And I always thought “massing of troops” meant a gathering of combat units.
G. Friday: Bleachy is good with guns. The Big Buford may stun a man. But it still dont top the deadly weaved bacon roll.
Our boys are just big boned. Besides, the Army has an excellent diet plan called Basic Training. I saw some guys drop about 40 pounds in basic and got way too skinny myself. (Hey, if being fat could have kept us out of the draft, Dunkin’ Donuts would have been bigger than Microsoft.) You had to be about 400 pounds before they’d even consider it. Sounds like the recruiters have gotten even more whiney over the years, if in fact “whiney” were a word.
Larry Fine: All of The Gayz that I know are in great shape. Maybe it’s time to rethink that don’t ask/don’t tell thing?
Stinkin’ short sighted unimaginative Army shitheads. They shouldn’t look at it as fat, but rather a “Strategic Reserve”
Serolf Divad: Jesus = Subway? I’ll take Subway, kthxbai