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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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109 comments

  1. Dildo Baggins

    Man, I am really stuck trying to decide which of the guys looks like the biggest douchebag. Originally I thought “Steve,” but I am gravitating more towards “Winston” now (being named after a dead p.m./cigarette brand certainly helps). “Reed” looks like he can puke the most, though.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    * Not included in the event are panicked midnight runs to CVS for Plan B when Tuesday Night becomes than just Underskirt finger banging.

  3. freakishlystrong

    [re=216541]Dildo Baggins[/re]: And you have to kinda wonder, how big a cock sucker is “Fletcher” anyway?

  4. Doglessliberal

    [re=216541]Dildo Baggins[/re]: I think Trenholm gets major points just for the name. Grant clearly wants to be on a soap opera (or in a gay porno).

  5. Mr Blifil

    $75/person? I was under the assumption this is what a pack of gum will be selling for on Inauguration Day.

  6. nrkeyqueer@gmail.com

    OMFG! Brooke looks like shes about to fold her head back, ram her ovipositer down your throat and lay her eggs in your chest cavity.

    And I think I fucked Trenholm in an alley once.

  7. Doglessliberal

    [re=216549]PrairiePossum[/re]: as a home-owner/resident, you mean. They are always happy to find a good live-in (in the dank basement) gardener.

  8. Deepthroat

    Dildo Baggins: Don’t let the angelic backlighting fool you. The answer is Fletcher. Fletcher is the biggest douche.

  9. Trace

    Let’s see here. Fletcher, Trenholm, Reed.. Ok, good, good. Everything seems to be in order.

    Grant, Brooke, Da… DAS!?

    SECURITY!

  10. JadedDIssonance

    [re=216546]ManchuCandidate[/re]: uncanny, that.

    Das is actually white, he just had some work done to piss off his old man.

  11. IceCreamEmpress

    You know, if you’re trying to be snooty, it helps to spell “hors d’oeuvres” correctly. I’m just saying that Lovey Howell (Mrs. Thurston Howell III) wouldn’t have made that kind of mistake.

    Also, Das is like the Bobby Jindal of this little WASPs’ nest. I bet they invite that one Indian girl from the Law Review to be his date, just so he doesn’t pollute any Presbyterian poon.

  12. Vewol Mevemont

    Sorry for being a dick, but the unattractiveness of the LNS girls always astounds me. Aren’t socialite goldiggers supposed to be hot? WTF?

  13. Jerri

    Trenholm and Fletcher? Really? What horrible, horrible names.

    Trenholm?? Was “Baron von Douchebag” already taken?

  14. lampadadog

    Any idea why the Parkinson’s Disease Society sponsors the event? I know that at one time alcohol consumption was thought to decrease odds of developing Parkinson’s, but I think that research has been supplanted by studies showing that drinking offers no such protection.

  15. nrkeyqueer

    Krista: Slutty McSlutSlut
    Keith: Knob-Gobbler
    Sam: Uglystick
    Trenholm: Party Bottom!
    Tara: Firecrotch
    Winston: 4ChanFapper
    Bill: Goatrapist
    Steve: Secret Joo/Muslin

    Reed: Eat a bag of poison dicks.
    Grant: Treasure Island Media Exclusive Talent.
    Sarah: Meth kills.
    Fletcher: Feltcher
    Das: Token(?)!
    Brooke: DSL
    Jeff: DoucheTard St.Fuckstick
    Pat: Srsly…thats jizz in his hair.

  16. Hart88

    Eight more days for these insufferable little pricks. Eight more days until we can throw garbage at them without fear of reprisal from Uncle Dick.

    Of course, they’ll be replaced by (only slightly) less insufferable little pricks from the Obama administration, but still…

  17. lampadadog

    [re=216612]IceCreamEmpress[/re]: I’m afraid you’re mistaken. They are not advertising hors d’oeuvres, but complimentary passed whored overs. I assume that implies a free early floor show involving Sarah and Tara, who will be abandoned later in the night for the superior face and charms of some imported indie girls.

  18. The Cold Sea

    Fletcher and Reed are just dreamy.

    Everyone’s going Dem, you know. Everyone who’s anyone, that is.

  19. JadedDIssonance

    [re=216612]IceCreamEmpress[/re]: “pollute any Presbyterian poon.”
    Nice Alliterative work there!

    [re=216610]SeminoleInDior[/re]: Sounds like what Palin would name her kids if she understood words longer than 1 syllable.

  20. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Since this is LNS sponsored, what is the over/under for number of black people/number of people in black face to attend?

  21. lazyb

    I think Kristen and Tara are doing some sort of slutty glamor shot head-pose thingy, like they’re posing for an ad for an escort service. Trashy, trashy.

  22. WalnutsIsMyCo-Pilot

    Open bar and buttseks for all… HOORAY! Hey man, can I bum (pun intended) $75 off ya?

  23. chascates

    Don’t these Late Night Snots shindigs always end up as vomit fests? And how many will show up in black face rather than black tie?

  24. The Cold Sea

    You get enough jello shots going and all these bitches would be girls gone wild. Fletcher, Winston, Reed, all of them.

  25. Nerdalicious

    And I thought THIS is what the Obama Cabinet would look like. Instead we get a bunch of white haired dudes who know what they are talkin’ about. Yeah!

    Jeff? Tanning Beds kill. My friend fried her cornea to smithereens. Just sayin’

  26. S.Luggo

    [re=216643]lazyb[/re]: Then what’s Brooke? An advertisement for nitrous oxide?

    BTW: Notice how her head is on stick. Pat too. I think this means that they’re the “Will and Grace” of LNS.

  27. Tommmcatt

    Not being from D.C., I will refrain from comment except to say that in Los Angeles we have the decency to keep our minor douchebags out of sight in little gulags called “low- level-studio management jobs”, where they work 14 hours a day and you don’t have to look at them unless somebody accidently puts them on a list an Oscar party or something.

    The major douchebags, of course, run everything and you have to look at them all the time, but at least they don’t tell fag jokes and vomit on your girlfriend.

  28. JadedDIssonance

    I’m surprised they didn’t spell out what black-tie means on the invite page…I mean, Passed Hor D’oeurves?

  29. Trace

    [re=216618]nrkeyqueer[/re]: “4chanfapper”

    Is that.. I mean.. is it really so wrong? I mean, I don’t, but a friend of mine, you know.

    [re=216627]4tehlulz[/re]: So’m I AND I’m a gigantic monster douchebag. Why aren’t I invited to this super awesome party that I totally want to go to, no joke, because I totally wouldn’t rather watch Survivorman and fap to 4chan that night, seriously?

  30. lazyb

    [re=216652]S.Luggo[/re]: Brooke is a terrifying, enormous-mouthed creature but she hasn’t perfected the Heidi Montag head tilt as her friends in the top row have. Poor Sarah just looks drunk.

  31. Bruno

    “Reed”, that is a clever use of your name, or shall I say Levi. How much xxxtra for the meth that night?

  32. Nerdalicious

    This bunch looks like “The Apprentice”. As in, I worship you Mr. Trump.

    The winner is………..
    Grant.
    The only one without a Meth crazy smile, & is serious about being Mr. Trump’s asswipe for a year, building a megalopolis golf resort on Mars.

  33. lazyb

    [re=216663]heroinmule[/re]: I know! I’m trying to decide which would be more fun—flinging poo at each of them, or really really hurting one douche of my choosing.

  34. lazyb

    [re=216672]heroinmule[/re]: I’m pretty sure if you bought her some drinks she’d let you do it for free. I think Wonkette should take up a collection for you should you perform such a noble service. Perhaps a plaque.

  35. Trace

    [re=216698]4tehlulz[/re]: Everyone who has tits and has been to /b/ has posted them in /b/ at some point or another.

    I.. assume.

  36. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=216560]Mr Blifil[/re]: [re=216623]Pat Pending[/re]: [re=216560]Mr Blifil[/re]: “Das” is their token. Token Paki that is. He totally in because he’s a good friend of Prince Harry, doncha know.

  37. IceCreamEmpress

    Das is Pakitastic! (Or Hinduriffic, whichever.)

    He was voted “Boy Most Likely to Become Dinesh D’Souza” at his military school, where his nickname was “Wog”.

  38. memzilla

    I love the “ticket prices may increase at amy time based on demand.” WTF, LNS-tards? That’s not change I can believe in!

    Also, why no BMW sponsorship? “Trenholm” was a Kriegsmarine pocket battleship, nicht wahr?

  39. Maus

    Wonkette should give the PUMAs the telephone number of LNS and LNS the telephone number of the PUMAs.

    It’d be great, the pre-drunk guys can tell the crones about their dad’s dealership and the PUMAs can learn (afterschool special-like) about actual sexual harrassment and possibly after a few drinks and oh so many years where their genitals are.

  40. Lascauxcaveman

    Waitasec… I think I remember Kev-o-tron mention that he’s sorta young and bisexual, and I know for sure he’s said he’s goin’ to DC for some innauguratin.’

    I think us Wonketeers should donate to get him a ticket to this thing and offer a bounty of $50/per for how many of the pictured above he can get photographed with his junk in their mouth.

    Whatdaya say, Kev? it could pay for your trip. I kick in a tenner.

  41. thefrontpage

    First dibs on Krista, guys! I called it! I’m guessing, oh, about midnight.

    Then it’s everyone else’s turn!

    I might come back about 3 a.m. to see how things are going!!!

  42. Dildo Baggins

    [re=216752]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: That’s an idea. But come to think of it, I’d like to go too. I’ll drive my Mercedes and scream at the valet parking guy when he brings it back with a scratch that was already there. Then I’ll make him sign a piece of paper saying he damaged it, then I’ll throw up on him, before getting in the car and running over a pedestrian.

  43. thefrontpage

    At 4 a.m. all the LNS members will turn into liberal hippie Democrats who wear tie-dyed shirts, sandals and old jeans, and they will all change their names to Sunflower, Moon, Blue, Meadow, Raine (with an “e”), and River, and they will all go to work for Greenpeace, Common Cause, Ralph Nader, and the newly-liberal Energy Department, where they will work on wind farming, ethanol production, soy milk energy devices, organic vegetable energy projects, and hundreds of recycling projects.

    So it shall be written, so it shall be done.

  44. President Beeblebrox

    [re=216661]JadedDIssonance[/re]: That’s right. Either you get what the other inauguration parties passed over, or you get what the guests, um, passed.

  45. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=216779]thefrontpage[/re]: Christ, you make them sound almost as annoying as they are now.

  46. windupbird

    Hors d’ouevres

    I don’t know……..Steve looks a little too smug. Trenholm, Winston and Fletcher are butler names=bad sex.

  47. freeradical

    [re=216639]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Well, I need the facts before I can make that bet. Do LNSers count Das as a “magic negro”, or just some poly-ethnic towel head?

  48. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=216594]Deepthroat[/re]: Huh, and Pat is the only one, out of all of them, that I’d do. Then again, always had a thing for kd lang.

  49. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    FLETCHER: I’m Fletcher,
    president of Late Night Shots.

    Meet my friends, Krista…

    WONKETEER: We already met.

    FLETCHER: …and Trenholm.
    Trenholm: How are you?

    WOKNETEER: How are you?

    FLETCHER: Over there is Winston,
    captain of the swim team.

    That’s Brooke,
    editor of the Daily LNSian.

    And…

    Jeff.

    Reed.

    Das, Mohammet, Lonny–

    WONKETTER: We already met.

    FLETCHER: Super!

    Then you’ll have lots to talk about.

  50. OffTheRecord

    I will expect a full report on all the Tuesday night take downs that occur as a result of this little douchefest.

  51. Hagar77

    [re=216541]Dildo Baggins[/re]: My money’s ALWAYS on the guy of color who joins groups like this, so Das, fo sho.

  52. Senator Bateman

    [re=216541]Dildo Baggins[/re]: I’m gonna go with Trenholm….It was close between him, Bill and Grant, but Trenholm looks like the guy who would do coke in the bathroom stall and then go home and have sex with the corpse of that hooker he murdered last week.

  53. PsycGirl

    [re=216613]Vewol Mevemont[/re]:
    “Sorry for being a dick, but the unattractiveness of the LNS girls always astounds me. Aren’t socialite goldiggers supposed to be hot? WTF?”

    Beauty to the he-toad is the she-toad.

  54. hobospacejungle

    We know the truth, Newell. Calling yourself Reed doesn’t fool anyone. Enjoy the party. Careful where you put your finger!

  55. girlandagun

    Doesn’t the 3:1 ratio of girls to guys do something negative for their promos?
    Also, hasn’t anyone told any of those douches that Sam is a fucking dog?

  56. schvitzatura

    Trenholm. Probably some Virginia tidewater planter surname-as-given-name bullshit; just another case of ancestry worship writ large.

    Anyway:

    Recorded as Trenholm and Trenholme, this is an English surname. It is locational from the village of Trenholme near Stokesley in North Yorkshire, which according to the Oxford Dictionary of English place names, translates as the “the flat lands (holm) where the cranes gather”, from the pre 7th century Old Norse word “trani”, meaning the crane bird.

    Not to be confused with Denholm (“dweller by the holly in the valley”)…

    Now, Trenholm, from the flatlands of Union Circle, where the trannys gather.

    When is a Tarquin going to come out the LNS woodwork, huh? Now that’s a name I’m sure LNS could get behind:

    The boy’s name Tarquin \t(a)-rquin, tar-quin\ is of Latin origin. Roman clan name: the name of two Etruscan kings of early pre-republican Rome (about fifth century BCE). The son of the last king caused the famous Rape of Lucretia, the Roman matron who killed herself rather than live in shame.

    Who knew they had TNTs clear back to 456 BCE! Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditiones habes!

  57. Schadenfried

    Feh, the guys look like Bromance contestants, and the women look like Rock of Love rejects, next.

  58. Schadenfried

    [re=216564]MathewBrooks[/re]: Forgot to add, I doubt that even Black Republicans would ride with cats.

  59. Deepthroat

    AnnieGetYourFun: Yay! You’re back! (or maybe i’m just back from my holiday break and just not noticing that you are back from yours?)

  60. JoyZeeBoy

    Jeebus H. Keerist, you inside-the-bloatway types really do take this 3-ring bread and circuses shit seriously, after all.

    I’m appalled.

    Get jobs. Real ones.

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