joe the plunger

What Is With All This ‘War Reporting,’ Anyhow?

Ladies and dudes, it’s Joe the Plumber, reporting from Sderot, Israel! And … wow. This miserable slob can’t even bother to put on a collared shirt when he does his “reporting,” which is really just bitching about how he “liked it back in World War I and World War II” when you would get all your war journalism at the movie theater. Is Joe the Plumber truly the world’s largest known example of a human dildo, or is he a brilliant performance artist sent to us by Jesus/The Onion, for laffs? [YouTube]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

149 comments

  1. bitchincamaro

    Inexplicably, this morning, BBC Radio interviewed this asshat in which he referred to his own, “celebrityism”. Arghhhh.

  2. Bruno

    The Israelis guarding him must be really pissed off they can’t go out there and kick some Gazan butt now.

  3. 4tehlulz

    The fact that Hamas hasn’t capped Joe the Plumber shows how antisemitic they are.

    The fact that the IDF hasn’t capped him shows how antiamerican they are.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    All he needs to complete the picture of the stereotypical US American dumbass tourist is a fanny pack.

  5. choinski

    Transcript from KOS: “I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think journalists should be anywhere allowed war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what’s happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I-I think it’s asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you’d go to the theater and you’d see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for’em. Now everyone’s got an opinion and wants to downer–and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers. I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, ‘Well look at this atrocity,’ well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.”

    Joe thinks journalism is too reality-ey.

  6. Bruno

    Of course, he will never understand there is irony in being paid as a ‘reporter’ and then complaining about them.

    If Joe’s crafty, maybe he can get some Palestinian plumbing contracts out of this visit? There’s bound to be some rebuilding required.

  7. norbizness

    “You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say ‘let me tell you something’ and ‘I just wanna say this’. Well, you’re dead now, so shut up!”

  8. Serolf Divad

    And Conservatism as an intellectual enterprise has never been so vibrant as now. This is truly the Right’s golden age.

  9. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=216112]choinski[/re]: I’m sure modern science will eventually find a way to extract Joe’s brain from the inner reaches of his lower intestine.

  10. twingonaut

    I must admit though, JtP looks pretty good for someone who went to the movie thee-ay-ters to see the moving pictures back in the Great War.

  11. Lucas Burch

    JtP is a black hole of stupidity. I can feel my intelligence being sucked away just watching that.

  12. Kev-O-Tron

    I liked back in World War 1 and World War 2 where we took guys like Joe and stuck them in ditches with bayonets and gas masks.

  13. WadISay

    I would go to the mideast as a journalist, too, but mainly to try to get alongside Lara Logan. Next week, Paris Hilton interviews nuclear physicists.

  14. freakishlystrong

    [re=216115]Serolf Divad[/re]: I was thinking that as well, only not as eloquently, here we have a guy who’s not a plumber, not named Joe, not a journalist, in a war zone, reporting that and he is is against journalists in a war zone. You can’t make this shit up! And the righties love him…they’re WORSE than PUMAs….

  15. user-of-owls

    [re=216115]Serolf Divad[/re]: After so many years in the wilderness, at long last the Know-Nothing Party has found its standard bearer. Huzzah!

  16. Gopherit

    I, for one, am happy he can do such a great job of reporting about Gaza without getting within 50 miles of the fighting. You have to hand it to Joe, he’s consistent, even if that means being consistently retarded.

  17. 4tehlulz

    [re=216124]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: How could he be in the theater watching the action if he’s in the theater in the action?

  18. contentsunderpressure

    Impressive. Get him to help mediate the Moscow/Ukraine gas crisis if he can take some time off from his Middle Eastern gig. That T will have to go though, he’ll never get any respect in Moscow with that common man shtick! Kick it up a notch Joe, get classy!

  19. Gopherit

    [re=216124]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Yeah, why isn’t Joe pulling a Steinbeck here? What a punk! Start going in with the Israelis and tell us what it’s like to crush a child’s skull with a boot.

  20. Theodorick Of York

    Maybe somone over there will designate his his skull as a hard target.
    Tomahawk to the dome piece in 3…2…1…phoom!

  21. Serolf Divad

    [re=216127]freakishlystrong[/re]:

    Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber. That’s what contemporary conservatism has been reduced to. It’s a pathetic freakshow now, moreso than an ideology in the conventional sense.

  22. lenorecutie

    Um… wow. First he couldn’t come up with a questions to ask, then goes on to complain about what he is currently doing. He did read the job description before he took the assignment, right?

    It’s like Larry the Cable Guy goes to Israel.

  23. pk

    It’s an awesome tactic… He realizes he has no idea what he’s doing there or what he’s supposed to say, so he attacks the reason he’s there. Logical fallacies brought to life, that’s what JtP is doing for us.

  24. loudmouthredhead

    [re=216107]4tehlulz[/re]: & [re=216124]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: 2*WIN

    [re=216108]ManchuCandidate[/re]: With shorts above his knees, knee-high socks, a baseball cap, and a T-shirt that says “I went to Israel and all I got was this little hat!”

  25. user-of-owls

    Forgive the follow up, but here’s the platform of the original Know-Nothings. Geez, you don’t even need to reprint the thing, just blow the dust off and hand it to this dim bulb and his Alaskan counterpart, et voila, 2012 here we come!

    * Severe limits on immigration, especially from Catholic countries
    * Restricting political office to native-born Americans
    * Mandating a wait of 21 years before an immigrant could gain citizenship
    * Restricting public school teachers to Protestants
    * Mandating daily Bible readings in public schools
    * Restricting the sale of liquor

  26. Carrie_Okie

    If we’re voting, I’d say “human Dildo.” Except that Dildos are useful for some things. So I guess that makes [i]Joe Da PLummrrr jest a pile O shet![/i]

  27. Cape Clod

    Jesus backflipping Christ. Some one give me a Glock and I’ll go over there and frag that bastard before he does anymore damage.

  28. loudmouthredhead

    “I have alot of questions…I, uh, just gotta ask the right one.”

    Thought: Hey, um, what’s a kee-lo-gram?

    “You can’t plan your day, you can’t have a picnic!”

    Damn you, rockets! DAMN YOU!

    Right wing word-vomiting in last 20 sec…Joe is a classic example of a psy-op?

  29. glamourdammerung

    [re=216124]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Actually, in WWI and WWII, guys like “Joe” were shot for cowardice.

  30. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what a half-wit. Make that quarter-wit.

    If nothing else, he lives up to the Joe the Plumber brand here, in that his insights, knowledge base, and question asking ability are on par with that of your average plumber.

  31. saggyboobedhag

    If Wonkette hires me to go report on the imminent Russian invasion of Alaska I’ll say no one should cover the story because when I look at the atrocity of dead children at the targeted Wasilla elementary school, I “won’t know the story behind half of it.”

  32. UNZIPPEDFLY

    So when Joe the Plumber goes on a service call to fix a plugged toilet, does he spend his time complaining that he liked it better back in WWI when everyone used outhouses? Of course he’ll still present the homeowner with a bill for his services…

  33. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Wow. I mean, just, fucking wow. I’m hungover as hell and thinking about changing my ways and then JtP comes up on my desktop.

    Where did I hide that flask?

  34. N8Ma

    [re=216146]Carrie_Okie[/re]: You know your avatar also looks like it could be quite “useful.” Either that or it’s just a parking meter?

  35. Car Ramrod

    I suppose this is all easier for “Joe” then enlisting in the service and fighting, no? Fuck that, way too difficult, much easier to get paid for bitching about people that bitch about the military.

    “Joe” is reaching Cindy Sheehan levels of making my head want to explode.

  36. Nigerian Business Executive

    Favourite moment so far in what I hope will prove to be a trip of comedy and mirth (my mirth):

    “Citizens of Sderot ‘can’t do normal things day to day’ like wash their hair, because of the fear of Hamas’ rockets, the former plumber said.

    “‘I’m sure they’re taking quick showers,’ he said. ‘I know I would.’”

    What’s he so worried about? He has no hair. Plus! He’s as much use as a porcupine in a condom factory. Also.

  37. Dreamer

    Is Israel so desperate for good press that they would treat this piece of shit as a reporter. This asshole is making America look really bad.

  38. V572625694

    [re=216139]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    Dear Sky Jeebus:

    Couldn’t we please have Bill Buckley back? At least he wouldn’t have talked about “the Israel people.”

    Regards,
    An America person

  39. JadedDIssonance

    [re=216146]Carrie_Okie[/re]: sheet is fertilizer, so still has some use. We need something TRULY useless for TJP as Metaphor. Joe-The-Appendix?

    [re=216138]El Pinche[/re]: Please do not wish foreign-’journalist’-wardeath on JtA, it will martyr him. He needs to go up in a trailer-meth-lab explosion.

  40. Serolf Divad

    [re=216167]V572625694[/re]:

    Just wait ’till he starts referring to the Palestinians as “Mexicans.”

  41. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=216145]user-of-owls[/re]: Damn, that’s hilarious. Discriminating against Catholics and Native Americans. Those were the good ol’ days. The more things change…

  42. rev_matt_y

    Man, I hope he makes it out of there alive. Can you *imagine* the martyr/hero worship that will surround the myth of Joe* The Dumbass if he gets killed while ‘reporting’?

    *Not his real name.

  43. loudmouthredhead

    [re=216149]glamourdammerung[/re]: Guys like Joe were the ones sent first into potential minefields.

  44. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    I would be dismayed that we are now getting our news from retarded people, but we’ve had Matt Lauer, Katie Couric, and all the people at Fox for years now.

  45. JadedDIssonance

    [re=216149]glamourdammerung[/re]: Nobody knew half the story behind those dresden or tokyo firebombers.

  46. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=216115]Serolf Divad[/re]: And some of these nuts are so deluded that they’re actually excited about Joe and Sarah being the new public face of conservatism. Stupid, also.

  47. PsycGirl

    Maybe this guy is somehow communing with Milosevic? We would all love to know the other side regarding all those mass graves.

  48. Dientes

    Sometimes, I like to assign pop cultural and political figures lame superpowers in my mind and have them battle. Joe the Plumber’s power is being able to come up with the ultimate logical fallacy that will cause anyone who is listening too intently to have an immediate aneurism. Sarah Palin would have the wink of death that only effects men (causing them to starburst themselves into oblivion), and both of these characters’ sworn enemy is Barry Hussein the Hope monger and his death ray of hope. Which I imagine to be equivalent to the rainbows that shoot out of the stomach of that one care bear, but in this case it enlightens all the little minds it touches.

  49. Dumb Ass

    This is almost as ridiculous as parlaying a stint as mayor of the meth capital of Alaska into the Vice-Presidency of the United States. Wait, can someone make a lifetime movie about this guy too? Opening shot, a small town plumber sweats furiously with his arm elbow deep in excrement, resolved to fix America’s problems one at a time.

  50. Hopey dont play that game

    I’ll bet you $10 he tapped Palin on the campaign trail. Imagine the resulting genetic disaster.

  51. Dreamer

    Do you think old Walnuts biggest regret is that he unleashed this — words fail me — fuckwit on the world?

  52. 4tehlulz

    [re=216192]Dreamer[/re]: The only regret I can imagine WALNUTS having is “I didn’t fuck Sarah Palin.”

  53. donner_froh

    [re=216118]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: The real challenge will be to identify his brain since it will look exactly like the gobs of fecal matter around it.

  54. Origami

    Yeah, they didn’t have war reporting back in “World War 1 and World War 2.” Never heard of such a thing. They didn’t even have these “reporters” that we have now-a-days. Asinine!

    Human dildo is a good description of this dude, but I don’t want to think of him anywhere near a vagina.

  55. populucious

    I think it’s time for a new kind diplomacy, inspired by “reality” teevee. The U.S. should simply tell the Israelies and the Palestinians that whichever one is responsible for permanently ridding us of Joe the Asshat will get our full and undivided support in conquering the other.

    The catch is, they need to do it in such a way that there is no question about what a moronic idiot cheezebag he is. They automatically lose if his “disappearing” leads to right wing martyrdom.

  56. OffTheRecord

    Is Joe sporting a mustache and perhaps the beginnings of a goatee? The circle of doucheness is almost complete.

  57. Car Ramrod

    [re=216194]4tehlulz[/re]: What are you talking about? Are you implying there’s some sort of non-sleeping-with-the-boss scenario in which she got promoted to VP candidate?

  58. Servo

    [re=216197]Origami[/re]: “Human dildo is a good description of this dude, but I don’t want to think of him anywhere near a vagina.”
    Execpt, of course, when it involves yeast removal. Doughy Plumber.

  59. El Pinche

    [re=216173]JadedDIssonance[/re]: Haha, i sounded like a nutcase wingnut douche mongrel (using tank terms!). He works on CNN, giant Campbell Brown will destroy him anyways, in time. ..in time.

  60. glamourdammerung

    I think the most offensive part of this nonsense would be the comments about “Joe” being an “average person”.

  61. bitchincamaro

    O.K. I can appreciate that the US must stand with its middle-east ally, no matter how many women and babies they slaughter; but it is unforgivable that Israel has issued press credentials to this cretin.

  62. lawrenceofthedesert

    Joe sounds no dumber than Griff, which is to say high school dropout stupid, and I guess someone paid for his trip and his “wisdom” and his “coverage,” which probably is some rich guy’s effort to chip away at the credibility of journalism — a cornerstone tactic of the conservative movement. The wingnuts always try to come up with alternatives to professional reporting, because media scrutiny is not kind to their most cherished fantasies. Does this make Joe a bad guy? Yeah.

  63. MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    Well, now Joe has as much foreign policy experience as Sarah Palin.

    The fact that this is even “news” makes me weep for our country.

  64. DoctorCulturae

    With pop culture creating celebrisists (or perhaps celebri-cysts?) like Paris Hilton et al, why should we be surprised to have politically nurtured “stars” too? The more invective he rightly inspires the more he will thrive. Like our pesky Wonkettrian trolls, the best way for these kinds to go away is to ignore them, not give them oxygen which is this case is media attention. Allow him the glory of his vacuity. Example 1: Gov. Saruh, Example 2: Katherine Harris. Compare and contrast.

  65. Cherry Garcia

    My God! Let’s hope he stays there through the Inauguration. Then, as one of his first acts Obama can revoke his passport and Plumber Joe will be doomed to live in airport bathrooms like Tom Hanks in that terrible movie.

  66. Dreamer

    [re=216194]4tehlulz[/re]: I thought he chose her for her brains and executive experience – also Cindy’s potential new toy boy Levi.

  67. twingonaut

    [re=216222]DoctorCulturae[/re]: While my mind says go away, my stupidity-loving heart says more Sam the Plumber.

  68. Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=216220]TGY[/re]:
    Circumcised with a bayonet. And by circumcise, I mean somebody should scalp this worthless mofo, already.

  69. Gurth LongEye

    So he likes the less-reported-on type of war? I got 50 bucks on his ticket to Somalia. They have toilets in Sudan too.

  70. The Regal Seagull

    I’m crossing my fingers that he’ll do just as much for war reporting as what he did for the McCain campaign.

    Or in other words, never show up to anything and instead get a record deal.

  71. Woodwards Friend

    [re=216210]ella[/re]: I’m hoping Ed will crawl out his dirt box, fly to Israel, and punch Joe in the nuts.

  72. PortlandSmartAss

    You all got it wrong. Joe’s not there to report (or be report-ey), or plumb (be plumb-ey), he’s there to help with Gaza’s conversion to digital TV. Dontcha know!

  73. Campbell Brown

    Why this bum even bother to go to Israel? Can’t pj’s media or whatever get its hands on a CNN hologram machine so Joe can just broadcast from a TGIF’s in some shithole Ohio town.

  74. DirkLeisure

    I agree with Joe to a point – the last thing our troops need is some mustached reporter drawing their positions in the sand and beaming that to the world via FoxNews.

  75. j6n

    I like how he says war is hell, and also says journalists should be allowed nowhere near it. I believe this puts him at odds with the Republican party platform.

  76. Maus

    [re=216191]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: “I’ll bet you $10 he tapped Palin on the campaign trail. ”

    I think he already admitted that he can’t lay pipe, hence the chickenhawk masturbathon that is the non-stop proIsrael reporting he’s reduced to in lieu of sexual activity.

  77. OReillysVibrator

    This would all be great if his ultimate goal wasn’t to secure this land for Jewish people because his holy book tells him that will help the world end. At least terrorists just want to destroy the Western World, this guy wants the ENTIRE world destroyed.

  78. Bigfoot

    With his shaved head and porn star goatee, I am sure he is stirring the loins of PUMAs everywhere! Rowr!

  79. Mr Blifil

    [re=216147]Cape Clod[/re]: That would make Joe/Samuel/Schmoyle sort of like the Bizarro Pat Tillman.

  80. abirato

    Maybe Hamas will kidnap Joe and give him an “infidel’s haircut.” Of course they won’t be able to hold his head up by the hair.

  81. Trace

    Can someone make that Ziegler cock interview Joe and force him to read our Wonkette comments? I can just imagine his lower lip puffing out like an angry baby… gross-looking dog thing.

    And that will be my Christmas present from the world, which owes me like twenty something years of missed gifts.

  82. thatonegirlsays

    What a kick in the penis muscle it must be for real journalists to see this twat getting a reporting gig. Or maybe the people who gave him this job are hoping he gets taken out by a stray rocket.

  83. TeddyS

    And you guys should not be allowed anywhere near our politicians either because you report what they say and where they are. Let’s just get rid of that freedom of the press thing in that thing that lets us keep our bazookas.

    The man has now qualified as an expert commentator for the conservative right. His remains a fool.

  84. threeb

    Who in the hell decided that his guy represents the ‘typical’ American? Number one, there is no such thing, and number two, even if there is he sure ain’t it (hopefully!)

  85. hobospacejungle

    [re=216104]bitchincamaro[/re]: “BBC Radio interviewed this asshat in which he referred to his own, “celebrityism”.”

    Did he pronounciate celebrityism correctly?

  86. Neon Trotsky

    Hah, the “Springfield” t-shirt must convince the Israelis once and for all that Americans are really on the whole Homer Simpson-esque doofuses…

  87. Bruno

    [re=216108]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Let me assure you it is optimal to describe you are wearing a “fanny pack” when you are talking to the Brits.

    “fanny: n female genitalia. This is another word which could leave you abroad and in dire straits. In the U.S., your fanny is your posterior and a “fanny pack” is what Brits decided to call a “bum bag” instead. There’s a neoprene belt sold in the U.S. that is designed to stop snow from entering your ski jacket during a fall. It is marketed under the name “Fanny Flaps.” It is not for sale in the U.K.”
    http://septicscompanion.com/dictionary/f.html

    Needless to say, Brits will never by chocolate from Fanny Farmer.

  88. Bruno

    [re=216127]freakishlystrong[/re]:

    “War Zone”?
    Yeah, looking at expended rockets in an underground bunker deserves combat hazard pay.

  89. Bruno

    [re=216148]loudmouthredhead[/re]: I am sure the Palestinians are disappointed with all the canceled picnics they’ve endured over the last 50 years, when they need to resort to eating Grass (and I’m talking about the lawn kind, not the good Kind)

  90. bitchincamaro

    [re=216353]hobospacejungle[/re]: They actually made him promise to grace them with another interiew in 10 days, which he happily agreed to. I only hope it’s from the grave.

  91. Bruno

    Joe seems pretty historical with all these references to previous wars. I say we give a bayonette with the mandate “don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes”

  92. Bruno

    [re=216211]guey de gueyes[/re]: At least he is religated to fake reportin’ under Walnuts, he would be the secretary of Civil Works, or something

  93. WalnutsIsMyCo-Pilot

    You know Joe’s gonna use his newly-laminated press pass to try and get backstage at the next Jars of Clay concert. The stupid, it hurts.

  94. DustBowlBlues

    [re=216148]loudmouthredhead[/re]:
    “You can’t plan your day, you can’t have a picnic!”

    Fuck, yeah. That alone totally justifies killing 900+ Palestinians.

  95. DustBowlBlues

    [re=216184]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: When will we start seeing the Palin/Joe the P bumper stickers on white trash pickup trucks (that cost more than what the WT paid for their trailer house)?

  96. DustBowlBlues

    [re=216194]4tehlulz[/re]: Didn’t fuck Sarah? How do you think she conned Walnuts into choosing her in the first place? I mean, have you looked at the hag of a wife of his?

  97. DustBowlBlues

    [re=216268]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: Dream HBO show: D’ali G interview Joe the Not Plumber. No way that dumbass could possibly be aware of the fact he isn’t real. It would be better than the Newt Gingrich interview, which was awesome.

  98. OReillysVibrator

    The guy struggles to come up with words after having “a lot of questions” in his head and finally, mercifully, pathetically gets out “why are you guys collecting all this?” Good job there, Cronkite; at this point Joe I think you’d have more dignity collecting welfare (again).

  99. pickwickianmom

    “Why did you collect all these bombs that have been hurled into your country and tag them and so forth?”

  100. mat

    So, Joe, the media should be barred from reporting on wars? Really? Then what the hell are you doing in Israel right now? Oh, right, because you’re not “the media,” just an average guy…and an incredibly stupid goddamn hypocrite.

  101. Freelance Minion

    I like that he says that he has a lot of questions, then asks the stupidest one (Why are you collecting these?) and then the army guy goes ahead and answers something else, ignoring what comes out of their guest’s mouth. HE learned fast, unlike Joe. Although I think we all agree the Israel people are incredible.

    It’s so obvious this guy isn’t supposed to be just a reporter. Does he actually believe real reporters stand are watched by all the other reporters when they do their jobs or is he at least a smart Hillbilly who is simply milking this for all he can get before it collapses of its own weight? Because I can’t blame him if he knows its all a sham and he’s just riding that wave. I’d do that too without any principals right now if I had a chance. I mean, Obama stole his plumbing business and sold it to some guy in Gaza, why wouldn’t he do anything he can to earn a simple, wholesome living?

Comments are closed.