famous lasts

Liveblogging George W. Bush’s Last Press Conference Ever

Right back at you!Ha ha, we said we’d liveblog this thing but what if the cable news networks don’t even cover sad old George Bush’s last press conference in his whole life? That would surely be embarrassing, for your Wonkette but most particularly for the President. Well, let’s sit tight and fix ourselves some Bailey’s and coffee before whatever the hell is supposed to happen at 9:15. If there’s no George Bush we’ll just liveblog … uh, Roland Burris? Surely he’s about due for one of his thrice-daily press conferences.

9:09 AM — Oh thank god Fox News at least says they’ll carry this live.
9:12 AM — Oooh it’s a LIVE SHOT of the White House podium, with nobody standing behind it and a couple of random dudes shuffling by. Symbolic.
9:13 AM — So who will be the asshole to ask him, “Can you name any mistakes you’ve made, ever in your life?” Actually, who asked that the last time? Seems like it should have been David Gregory, even though it probably wasn’t. Anyway, look for all these fresh new non-David Gregory faces at this press conference.
9:17 AM — Look, it’s Chucky Todd, right there in the first row! George Bush enters, triumphant. He names off a veritable half-dozen reporters whose names he remembers. “I see some new faces,” he said, scornfully.
9:18 AM — “Throughout this all, I have respected you.” A ha ha ha ha. Oh shit, he looks more and more like his father every day. Except his nose, which looks more like his mother’s.
9:19 AM — Yeah whatever, says an AP reporter. Will you be releasing the remainder of the TARP funds before you leave office? Yes, says Bush, if Obama asks me to.
9:20 AM — One thing all those presidents and ex-presidents had in common, at that lunch last week, was that they were all president once.
9:21 AM — Question: Are you bummed you couldn’t achieve peace in the Middle East? Answer: Hamas has to quit beating up on Israel and firing their terrible rockets. Hey is that Helen Thomas sitting a couple seats over from the gal who’s asking the questions? Good gravy she is tiny.
9:24 AM — “Israel understands there needs to be a democracy on their border to achieve lasting peace.” Wasn’t Hamas democratically elected?
9:25 AM — Q: Is there still an axis of evil, and what should the next President be worried about? A: An attack on our homeland. Then some blah about North Korea. George Bush’s suit and tie sort of blend in with the blue-toned background behind him. He looks old and tired.
9:27 AM — Chuck Todd! A question about the Republican Party’s inclusiveness. Bush says, “this party will come back.” But it must be more tolerant, for example of immigrants. He has this way of pursing his lips disapprovingly.
9:29 AM — Jake Tapper, playing it cool. Not shown: his left hand on Helen Thomas’ knee.
9:30 AM — Remember the surge? The surge was so great, and that is what George Bush will be remembered for. That, and tax cuts. Sure, he abandoned his free market principles, but only because his chief economic advisers told him to. Man, he sounds DEFENSIVE. He seems to get very deliberate and defensive and loud when he’s not quite able to reason through what he’s talking about.
9:33 AM — Question: Why do people hate you so much? Answer: You know, umm, most people don’t hate me. Ha ha, your Wonkette suffers from Bush Derangement Syndrome. People didn’t like Abe Lincoln, either, you know!
9:35 AM — He was always wiling to “take on hard tasks,” by delegating them to nameless subordinates who he would then blame for his failures.
9:36 AM — Some Fox guy invites him to speculate about what a terrible failure Barack Obama will be, and he declines. He does repeat that there are evil people out there who want to kill us always. So!
9:38 AM — Any pre-emptive pardons to all the criminals in his administration? Bush says, I won’t answer that. HA she asks the “have you made mistakes” question. Answer: History will determine that. He admits that putting “Mission Accomplished” on an aircraft carrier was not such a great idea. Katrina: Nope, everything went pretty much perfectly there. Timing on Social Security reform was not great, he should have argued for immigration reform instead.
9:42 AM — “One thing about the presidency is you can only make decisions based on the information you have at hand.”
9:44 AM — America’s moral standing in the world. Better or worse, since you? “I strongly disagree that our moral standing has been damaged, except among the terrible snobs, like you.” Africans love Bush, because he gives them money. India and China also tolerate America, apparently. But fuck you, Europe, is George Bush’s opinion.
9:46 AM — He doesn’t care about popularity, he cares about the Constitution! So petulant! It was so mean, when “people were hauled up in Congress” to explain why they didn’t stop 9/11, and then when they tried to stop another 9/11, by spying on Americans, illegally, people got all shirty again.
9:53 AM — OK go over here for more talky talky.

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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41 comments

  1. ifthethunderdontgetya"

    9:09 AM — Oh thank god Fox News at least says they’ll carry this live.
    Surprise!
    Be careful what you wish for.
    ~

  2. Colander

    I think he equates ‘respect’ with ‘fear’. He has feared them, therefore he has respected them.

  3. 4tehlulz

    >>Wasn’t Hamas democratically elected?

    Maybe he was talking about Jordan. Israel is attacking the wrong place, just like America!

  4. GDTRFB

    The only thing that would make this presser interesting is if George informs America that his best efforts at sobriety and responsibility have failed, and he’s returning to what he knows best: being a drunk idiot living off his Dad’s fame and fortune.

  5. 4tehlulz

    [re=215969]BigDupa[/re]: He’s a Republican; he’s supposed to blame Clinton*.

    *Note: To be superceded 1/20/09 by “Barack Obama”.

  6. ManchuCandidate

    “Man, he sounds DEFENSIVE. He seems to get very deliberate and defensive and loud when he’s not quite able to reason through what he’s talking about.”

    Explains why he’s so pissy most of the time.

  7. ifthethunderdontgetya"

    [re=215965]GDTRFB[/re]: I don’t know…if everyone took their shoes off at the end and flung them at Bush, that would be pretty nifty.
    ~

  8. Tommy Says Ira G is a Tool

    I want to hear W. answer a question from truthseeker77, since, after all, he is a truthseeker. Plus it would be nice to answer a question from a libtard who is 14. Nom nom nom.

  9. Colander

    I’m getting kind of teary-eyed. You guys, this is the LAST TIME we’ll have Bush there to condescend to us, on teevee. Savor this.

  10. BigDupa

    Misspeaking to the end. “Legislative branches tend to be risk adverse.” The term, Mr. Harvard grad, is “risk averse.”

    Wow- he’s really unloading on his mistakes. Matt Lauer really got screwed when he asked.

  11. TGY

    He looks old and tired.

    He’s had a long eight years ass-fucking America without the benefit of Viagra.

    most people don’t hate me

    The polls beg to diffah.

  12. Josh Fruhlinger

    Wasn’t the “what were your biggest mistakes” question from one of the 2004 debates? I seem to remember it eliciting one of the most spectacularly petulant responses in nationally televised presidential history, along the lines of “you want me to say a mistake, but I won’t.”

    Come to think of it, it was up there with Palin’s “I’m going to give the answer I want to give” in her debate.

  13. BigDupa

    [re=215979]Bramlet Abercrombie[/re]: True that. He’s confusing 9/11 and Katrina. His problem with Katrina was not sending more resources right away, not visiting earlier. It was 9/11 where he played “Where’s Waldo?” with Air Force One.

  14. Doglessliberal

    9:42 AM — “One thing about the presidency is you can only make decisions based on the information you have at hand.”

    And it is SO much easier when you tell people (like, say, intelligence agencies) what that information has to be and filter all information through fellow ideologues who are kissing your ass. I bet the information might have been a tad different had it come from, say, people who didn’t think invading Iraq without a reason or a plan was a great idea.

  15. Meags

    The best was when Wills over at Morning Joe said, “It’s not clear if President Bush was joking when he said the press had ‘misunderstimated’ him.” Oh, dear Willie. No.

  16. TGY

    Dear George, how we’ve misunderestimated your capacity for totally screwing things up. We thought that perhaps you were just a stupid, ham-handed idealogue; but the cards of the tableau, when they’re finally revealed, might indicate actual malignity.

  17. Tommy Says Ira G is a Tool

    [re=215988]Doglessliberal[/re]: Is your second paragraph about Confluence? FTW!!11!!!

  18. Sassette

    He just said that there were moments they could be “lighthearted” even while he was reading reports about lives lost in Iraq.

    I really hope he’s drunk.

  19. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Wasn’t Hamas democratically elected?

    It’s only a democratic election if the people we want win. See Iraq, for instance, or Red China for examples of America/Israel-style democracy.

  20. timeoutofmind

    IS THERE ONE JOURNALIST IN THAT ROOM … ? ONE ????? JESUS CHRIST …. HOW IN THE FUCK CAN THEY SIT THEIR LIKE THE ZOMBIE TYPISTS THEY ARE, AND LISTEN TO THIS CATASTROPHIC ILLOGICAL LIE:

    “I WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT THERE WERE NO WMD IN IRAQ !!!!!! WHAT ???? WHY ???

    I THOUGHT THE IDEA WAS —- WMD ARE A THREAT ? THE WORLD IS A SAFER PLACE WITH NO WMD … ?

    SO WHY THE FUCK IS HE DISAPPOINTED HE DIDN’T FIND ANY ???? (the answer, of course, is entirely personal, and sociopathic. so he wouldn’t look bad, starting a murderous war for no reason.)

  21. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    He does repeat that there are evil people out there who want to kill us always.

    He was thinking of Dick Cheney, probably.

  22. TGY

    [re=215997]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: If America had but one face, Dick Cheney would shoot it with bird-shot.

  23. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Is there not one journalist in this country with the balls to throw a shoe at this bastard?

    oh, wait. that’s right, this is the U.S. America.

  24. mylesfromnowhere

    now I understand how a poor orphan child feels after going to a fostor home, being abused for eight years, then suddenly being taken and adopted by someone who will treat me with some degree of respect and treat me at least like a human being, or at least like one of the lizard people.

  25. timeoutofmind

    lying like a puke till the end.

    let this be an epitaph on the white house corps, as well.

    a bunch of mutant stenographers — see them fade into the irrelevant sunset along with W.

  26. Trace

    It’s entirely possible to care about the Constitution while resenting it and wishing it would change itself to meet your standards, like a girl with small breasts.

  27. WIDTAP

    [re=216022]timeoutofmind[/re]: lying like a puke till the end.

    Is it still a lie if Bush has his head so far up his keester that he can not longer tell the difference?

    Never blame on malice what stupidity adequately explains.

  28. Mr Blifil

    Did they sign a consent form before being admitted to the press room that any kind of provocative follow-up question, one that might probe the President’s logic and command of the facts, would result in summary execution of all in the room?

  29. hobospacejungle

    “He has this way of pursing his lips disapprovingly.”

    That’s just W trying to keep down his daily dose of Cheney jizz. After 8 years of W blowing his boss every morning, Cheney’s mutant alien semen doesn’t taste so yummy any more.

  30. Anita Cocktail

    “He was always willing to “take on hard tasks,” by delegating them to nameless subordinates who he would then blame for his failures.”

    Shouldn’t that be “whom he would then blame”?
    Regardless, it is a succinct and perfect summary of the Bush presidency.

Comments are closed.