Ha ha, we said we’d liveblog this thing but what if the cable news networks don’t even cover sad old George Bush’s last press conference in his whole life? That would surely be embarrassing, for your Wonkette but most particularly for the President. Well, let’s sit tight and fix ourselves some Bailey’s and coffee before whatever the hell is supposed to happen at 9:15. If there’s no George Bush we’ll just liveblog … uh, Roland Burris? Surely he’s about due for one of his thrice-daily press conferences.
9:09 AM — Oh thank god Fox News at least says they’ll carry this live.
9:12 AM — Oooh it’s a LIVE SHOT of the White House podium, with nobody standing behind it and a couple of random dudes shuffling by. Symbolic.
9:13 AM — So who will be the asshole to ask him, “Can you name any mistakes you’ve made, ever in your life?” Actually, who asked that the last time? Seems like it should have been David Gregory, even though it probably wasn’t. Anyway, look for all these fresh new non-David Gregory faces at this press conference.
9:17 AM — Look, it’s Chucky Todd, right there in the first row! George Bush enters, triumphant. He names off a veritable half-dozen reporters whose names he remembers. “I see some new faces,” he said, scornfully.
9:18 AM — “Throughout this all, I have respected you.” A ha ha ha ha. Oh shit, he looks more and more like his father every day. Except his nose, which looks more like his mother’s.
9:19 AM — Yeah whatever, says an AP reporter. Will you be releasing the remainder of the TARP funds before you leave office? Yes, says Bush, if Obama asks me to.
9:20 AM — One thing all those presidents and ex-presidents had in common, at that lunch last week, was that they were all president once.
9:21 AM — Question: Are you bummed you couldn’t achieve peace in the Middle East? Answer: Hamas has to quit beating up on Israel and firing their terrible rockets. Hey is that Helen Thomas sitting a couple seats over from the gal who’s asking the questions? Good gravy she is tiny.
9:24 AM — “Israel understands there needs to be a democracy on their border to achieve lasting peace.” Wasn’t Hamas democratically elected?
9:25 AM — Q: Is there still an axis of evil, and what should the next President be worried about? A: An attack on our homeland. Then some blah about North Korea. George Bush’s suit and tie sort of blend in with the blue-toned background behind him. He looks old and tired.
9:27 AM — Chuck Todd! A question about the Republican Party’s inclusiveness. Bush says, “this party will come back.” But it must be more tolerant, for example of immigrants. He has this way of pursing his lips disapprovingly.
9:29 AM — Jake Tapper, playing it cool. Not shown: his left hand on Helen Thomas’ knee.
9:30 AM — Remember the surge? The surge was so great, and that is what George Bush will be remembered for. That, and tax cuts. Sure, he abandoned his free market principles, but only because his chief economic advisers told him to. Man, he sounds DEFENSIVE. He seems to get very deliberate and defensive and loud when he’s not quite able to reason through what he’s talking about.
9:33 AM — Question: Why do people hate you so much? Answer: You know, umm, most people don’t hate me. Ha ha, your Wonkette suffers from Bush Derangement Syndrome. People didn’t like Abe Lincoln, either, you know!
9:35 AM — He was always wiling to “take on hard tasks,” by delegating them to nameless subordinates who he would then blame for his failures.
9:36 AM — Some Fox guy invites him to speculate about what a terrible failure Barack Obama will be, and he declines. He does repeat that there are evil people out there who want to kill us always. So!
9:38 AM — Any pre-emptive pardons to all the criminals in his administration? Bush says, I won’t answer that. HA she asks the “have you made mistakes” question. Answer: History will determine that. He admits that putting “Mission Accomplished” on an aircraft carrier was not such a great idea. Katrina: Nope, everything went pretty much perfectly there. Timing on Social Security reform was not great, he should have argued for immigration reform instead.
9:42 AM — “One thing about the presidency is you can only make decisions based on the information you have at hand.”
9:44 AM — America’s moral standing in the world. Better or worse, since you? “I strongly disagree that our moral standing has been damaged, except among the terrible snobs, like you.” Africans love Bush, because he gives them money. India and China also tolerate America, apparently. But fuck you, Europe, is George Bush’s opinion.
9:46 AM — He doesn’t care about popularity, he cares about the Constitution! So petulant! It was so mean, when “people were hauled up in Congress” to explain why they didn’t stop 9/11, and then when they tried to stop another 9/11, by spying on Americans, illegally, people got all shirty again.
9:53 AM — OK go over here for more talky talky.