Wonkette
After centuries of entrapment in a vaguely humanoid husk, the alien mutant Alan Colmes was finally permitted to slither out through a nostril and return to the elvin sewers from which he was fished so long ago. This left Sean Hannity in a pickle, because he still needed somebody to abuse every night on his television show.
He will now use a rotating panel of left-wing losers to talk over, and the very first one will be Al Sharpton. You know why? Because his first name begins with the same two letters as Alan Colmes’ first name, so it’s FATE.
Al Sharpton Filling Liberal Seat on ‘Hannity’ Premiere [Broadcasting & Cable]
Is Rupert Holmes still alive?
Al Sharpton — a living, breathing straw man, kind of like Alan Colmes. It saves Hannity the trouble of inventing a bogeyman.
They deserve each other
If it doesn’t involve a cage match, I’m not interested.
Bet they don’t have the guts to book Cindy Sheehan.
This pairing gets FIVE AND A HALF stars.
Gov. Paterson could appoint Al as New York’s senator and flip everybody out.
But that’s not the whole story - it says Michelle Bachman, Al Sharpton, Meatloaf AND George W. Bush will be on for the premiere episode. It sounds like the cast list for a VH1 reality show.
Rev. Al seems to have a lot of time on his hands, what with the running for president, appearing on the Tee Vee, and being the spokesman for LL Cool J’s Mama Said I’ll Conk You Out.
So how long before he outs Hannity as a Larry Craig toe-tapper?
This is very nobel (or noble) of Hannity wanting to spread the wealth around to the pinko liberals
Ebony and Ivory
Although Hannity would call it:
Ivory and Ebony
Side by side on my HD LCD, oh lord, why us please?
We all know that morans are the same where ever they show
There is stupid shit in everyone,
We get to shout, we get to yell
At each other so we can abuse each other on Faux/hell.
Ebony and ivory both together on Faux Newz’s Hannity
Side by side on my HD LCD, oh lord why dont we?
Ebony and ivory on Faux Newz’s Hannity
Ebony, ivory, ooh
Its good to see another honest, God fearing man on that show.
Iggy Plop: Meatloaf really will do anything for love.
If ever there was a moment for a meteor strike, this would be it. Nothing major, just one of those basketball sized ones to take out the studio stage while these too bozos squawk at each other.
Sharpton isn’t left wing. He is Sharpton Wing. Or Expediency Wing.
Al Sharpton is not a Mexican, smart guy.
You’re looking pretty dumn right now.
You know, back in the college days, we always feared being drunk and sitting on the toilet, achieving “equilibrium” by vomiting and shitting at the same time.
Kudos, Faux News, you have found the mythical Yeti, the vaunted “equlibrium” of my youth.
They’ll all end with a big man-hug over hating teh gheys.
shanemacgowan: But I heard that he won’t do that. I guess he lied to us through song.
Gallowglass: Tactical astronomy. I like it.
Hallelujah! Al Sharpton was the only warm-blooded candidate for the Democratic nomination. All the others were reptilians, including, as you will soon see, the Wonkette fave, B. Hussein Obama). On behalf of Mammals for Al, which still holds meetings in cozy warm places, I want to take this opportunity to express our joy, with lots of purrs, barks and squeaks.
Is there some significance that they both have variations on the first name Alan?
Does it help Hannity remember his lines?
vis.
“Five and a half years Alan!!!!” will still work just fine with Reverend Sharpton “Five and a half years Al!!!”
But I suspect that if they changed the partners name it would come out as “I suck my thumb Geraldo!!!” or “Daddy like spankies Mika!!!”
That would just be embarrassing for everyone.
Tommy Says Ira G is a Tool: I actually achieved that in college, but unfortunately it was less alcohol and more food poisoning.
oh al, have you no dignity left? wait, what am i talking about, of course not!
This does not make sense – isn’t Sharpton one of the scary Negros Faux News uses to scare real America? This surely messes their scary Negro meme or is Sharpton going to be live example of the bogeyman.
[i]“…the alien mutant Alan Colmes was finally permitted to slither out through a nostril and return to the elvin sewers from which he was fished so long ago.”[/i]
That was genius, Sara. Charles Dickens had better start looking over his shoulder even if he is dead.
You think they’re going to put valium in Sharpton’s coffee? How else will anyone get a word in? Must not see Tee Vee.
Honestly, Hannity won’t last 3 days against Rev. Al.
Unless this is a cage match with the two of them riding Harley Davidsons with spiked wheels: meh.
This will end in gay sex, live on the air.
Some people should have a MUTE button.
Thought he’d be booked with the cops resurgently randomly capping young black men around the country, which is usually Al’s paying gig.
Guess this pays better.
chascates:
I was talking about this possibility just the other day. The good Reverend would be nuts to want a Senate seat. As little as Senators actually work, Sharpton works less and still gets on the TV regularly.
Otto Reimer: Even Al doesn’t want to go to Oakland.
I was so hoping he’d go with Cookie Monster.
magic titty: Fur Realz, this show might be worth watching (Ack!). My only questions are: is Sharpton magical and negro enough?
I always thought equilibrium was drinking a beer while peeing… you know, the “circle of life”.
But what about Alton Maddox and C. Vernon Mason?
Are they paying him in mules?
This is so going to backfire on Hannity, because Sharpton is actually capable of reading a book and absorbing information. Sean’s hiring the track-suited demagogue Sharpton, but he’s going to get the Hugo Boss-suited policy wonk Sharpton, and he is going to look like a moron. CAN’T WAIT!
Iggy Plop: Couldn’t they get the pinhead, the dog faced boy and the bearded lady?
TJBeck: Seeing as how he’s going to be playing the role of Lefty Communist, he’ll be getting 40 hectares.
magic titty: I agree! Al is crazy like a fox and not at all stupid, he’ll tie Hannity up in knots. I voted for him in the Dem NYC mayoral primary in 1997 just because debates between him & Giuliani would have been the most awesomest political theater EVER. Sadly, it was not to be.
magic titty: God, I hope not.
rockstarjoe: That’s the R Kelly variation. I heard Rev. Al say that.
How about a real librul? Invite Rach Maddow on, she’d scare him shitless…
OT, But WTF?
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/4165049/US-porn-industry-seeks-multi-billion-dollar-bailout.html
HERE. GO “PROMOTE” HIM HERE.
http://www.alan.com/
I mean what kind of Colmes has the website http://www.alan.com….
He had it coming.
Couldn’t they pick almost anyone to be Hannity’s “liberal” counterpart?
No one deserves a break like this like Sharpton. He will soon cement his roll as biggest sellout in history, once he moves on to become a spokesperson for the KKK.
Al Sharpton, Michelle Bachmann, and Meatloaf? Moderated by Hannity? It’s like they read my mind. If only they made them do Double Dare style physical challenges for rhetorical points. Now I don’t even feel sorry about Hannity putting Colmes to sleep. I don’t buy that story about him living on a nice farm upstate.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
freakishlystrong: Also the lesbian thing
Iggy Plop: When will Flavor Flav be appearing?
Maybe Hannity decided he wanted to be catcher in alphabetic order now.
Dreamer: He’s contractually limited to five responses:
1: Where all the white womens at?
2: Sho thing, bossman!
3: Kill whitey!
4: Hey buddy, can you spare some change? I ran outta gas over there a ways.
5: *cough* *cough* Your president is a black muslim *cough* *cough*
facehead: Congress will not bow to the wishes of Big Valtrex.
Come back home Facehead. We miss you.
bfstevie: One of Us! One of Us! Gooble gobble!…
Won’t this new pairing at least keep both of these men off the street and (mostly) out of the public eye? This could be a win for America, people.
Al Sharpton: Single-handedly holding back African Americans for over 30 years by handing Republicans the stereotype they constantly seek. Bravo, real man of genius.
I still won’t watch that crap. If I want to watch an interracial shout-off under the pretense of meaningful dialogue, I’ll go stand outside the U street Busboys and Poets.
I Am Not Your Gary Busey: 6. Whachoo talkin’ bout, Hannity?
The Bonfire of the Inanities.
CorkPopper: That would have been great. Al Sharpton wins all debates all the time. I saw him at a conference littered with other “liberal” luminaries last summer, and he brought down the house. He might rub people the wrong way (including me sometimes) but he’s a very intelligent character.
If R. Kelly went on, would he pee on Sean?
More importantly, would Sean “get out da way”?
ella: Lord of the Flies. Guess who’s Piggy?
loudmouthredhead: Hee!
ella: The Wrong Stuff
Hey Sara, it would appear your post was the nicest thing anyone has said to Alan in the last 5 AND A HALF YEARS!!!
http://www.alan.com/2009/01/09/thank-you-wonkette-for-the-beautiful-and-touching-sendoff/
Seriously, this could be like matter and antimatter coming together: Two opposite, polarized bodies being put a bit too closely together. This can only lead to two possible outcomes:
1. Ghey Sex, live on-air.
2. The annihilation of our universe in a manner they thought only the Large Hadron Collider or the rapture could produce.
4tehlulz: But Al could be the new fresh prince of Bellaire in Texas. But I guess he told them all to smell him later, and Al looked at his kingdom he was finally there, to sit with Hannity live of Fox News air.
“return to the elvin sewers from which he was fished so long ago”
We have elvin sewers?
I thought they all left for the Shining Lands ten thousand years ago, we’re still using their sewers?
And Alan Colmes is swimming around in their somewhere?
Hopey’s right, we need some new infrastructure projects right away. Everybody knows the Elves were elitists who had magical powers, we shouldn’t be fucking with their sewers, that’s probably how we ended up electing Bush (that or another fiendish plot by those dopplegangers of the RNC commonly known as “the Lizard People”).
If Al calls Handupme a WHITE DEVIL, my thigh will
tingle.
Also, Al and Handupme are both Moonie shills, so their relationship will be theatre… Unfortunately.
I’m getting ebony and ivory starbursts right now!!!!1!
MattW: I see what you did there. Ha!
magic titty: But upon reviewing the link, I see Al with not be directly debating Hannity after all. HE IZ AFRAID.
loudmouthredhead: Fuck you, now I have McCartney and Stevie Wonder stuck in my head.
Ebony, ivory, bitching and moaning on my TV.
Ebony, ivory, now engaging in pointless sodomy.
loudmouthredhead: I Am Not Your Gary Busey: #7 Whenever Anne Coulter appears: “damn that bitch looks so fine”
Hannity’s next guest will be Tawana Bradley, noted liberal scholar.
magic titty: “That would have been great. Al Sharpton wins all debates all the time. I saw him at a conference littered with other “liberal” luminaries last summer, and he brought down the house. He might rub people the wrong way (including me sometimes) but he’s a very intelligent character.”
I do have to admit, he was damn charming on Louis Theroux’s special on Black Supremacists.
I emailed Alan once and told him his (old) website was a cluttered messy mess — because it was. He actually wrote back and came across as mildly concerned, but mostly confused that someone would point it out. I told him why and he we parted ways. I’ll miss our time together, Alan.
This left Sean Hannity in a pickle, because he still needed somebody to abuse every night on his television show.
I think Sarah’s touched on something important here. Empasis on the words “need” and “to abuse”. Hannity and Colmes went together like abuser and abusee. Which is even creepier when you recall Colmes’ characterization of his relationship to a marriage.
I am most interested in watching how Bachman reacts to Sharpton. The body language will be fabulous and she’ll say at least 12 things that will be “taken out of context” by the liberal press.
This is appointment TV.
CorkPopper: If Sharpton actually is effective in debating Hannity (which I agree is a real possibility), he’ll be gone in days, never to be seen again on Fox until he says something that sounds crazy taken out of context.
shanemacgowan: and we know his standards are: two out of three ain’t bad.
dijetlo: “elvin” from elver “a young eel, esp. one that is migrating up a stream from the ocean” not elves. Geez.
(My avatar is didemnum, an invasive species of seasquirt, because I work in an oceanography lab. Which is why I know what elvin means. Also.)
HuddledMass: Hehe…seasquirt.
Hannity wants only the cartoon liberals.
I’m going to miss Colmes for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN! FIVE AND A HALF YEARS!
HuddledMass: So did the eels design and construct our magical doo doo relocation system? No, it was those damn conservatives elves, Elrond and his foul henchman, Bill Crystal (tell me he doesn’t look like a reject from Santas workshop).
They left George Bush lurking in the deepest most loathsome nether regions their elvin sewer and there he would have stayed if Al Gore hadn’t disturbed him trying to finish wiring up the internet.
DAMN YOU AL GORE!!!!!!!