Despite the best (?) efforts of PUMA and the Bigfoot Murderer, Congress counted up Nate Silver’s mysterious 538 electoral votes today and guess what? Barack Obama got a whole lot of those votes — 365 over old what’s-his-name’s 173 — and Dick Cheney says that makes Barack Obama the president of the U.S.A., hooray! Why do we feel so creeped out? [YouTube]
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Today we are all Indonesians. Not metaphorically — I mean that.
Also — nice shiv at about 4:00 there, Nancy.
…3:49!
Cheney is still here?!?! Why hasn’t he fled to Paraguay or been thrown in prison yet?
If they didn’t examine his ORIGNL BRITH CERTIFATE you cannot count the vote!!!!!!!!!!1!
365? Days in a year? A CHRISTIAN year? Oh, I think we’re on to something here.
When does he say klaatu barada nikto?
[re=213460]Bruno[/re]: It’s in the video!!!!111!!1!!! ZOMG, SENATER SHOOMER GAVE CHENEY THE LONG FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!1!!
[re=213464]user-of-owls[/re]: Anita Baker’s Greatest Hits?
[re=213460]Bruno[/re]: SRSLY!!!!1!!11!
I want to just shake those people and say… How the fuck did this man do ANYTHING in life without a valid birth certificate? How did he go to school, get a job, get a driver’s license, GET A FUCKING PASSPORT UM??? Lik omgwtf the MSM! coverup began before anyone even knew who the fuck this man was right?
Oh that’s right! He the MESSIAH! Born to be inserted into the US Presidency to undo our Constitution and ruin the good ol’USofA.
Anyway we all know such nasty conspiracies are ALWAYS organized and perpetrated by the nefarious Rebuplicans, no?
Of course, McCain’s 173 was votes total, not electoral votes.
So what does TexasDarlin’ do for traffic now?
[re=213471]FreshCliches[/re]: Pat Robertson’s 2009 Daily Solicitation Calendar.
I was expecting a bait and switch.
“I HAVE CERTIFIED THE RESULTS OF THIS ELECTION, AND IT IS WITH GREAT HONOR THAT I PROCLAIM MYSELF AS PREMIER KING GOD-ORDAINED DICTATOR OF THE DARK LORDS. My first ruling? Gimme a sammich.”
Didn’t Farenheit 9/11 depict this same grisly ritual of eight years ago? I remember the emotions being a little different.
This vile golem basically wraps up by saying, thems the votes, you figure out who is president. Get ready for four years of the wingnuts saying Cheney successfully prevented Obama from being “declared” president of the US (*pounds head on keyboard fjfghdfkjghfkjd*).
So the dark lord has delivered the presidency to the…. half-dark lord(?). What are we saying now? I need the rules on racial transcendency again.
And Sarah Palin receives 0 votes. there’s an obvious liberal bias in the electoral process.
Good job, Nancy. Dick looked like he just took one Godzilla-sized up the wazoo when she did that. I don’t feel creepy at all about Dick reading the preznit electorted votin’. I feel great watching him choke back bile as he reads the results. Hah!
Nice power grab, Cheney. Now you determine who is president too?
[re=213470]FreshCliches[/re]: Seriously, why on earth does the sheet of paper that Schumer hands Cheney, which really ought to include exactly four names and four numbers, need to be so enormous? Is it written on parchment, in Latin?
I do love the way there’s a little pause between Cheney’s reading of McCain’s total and the applause. “Oh wait, are … are we clapping for him too? Oh, what the hell, why not.”
Your United States Congress. Standing up and clapping, then sitting down, then standing up and clapping again, then sitting down. For America.
This is clearly cheating. Most of Obama’s votes came from small states that don’t really count. Plus Obama was born in a Mosque in Mecca to a jackal while his “mother” was forging the paperwork in Honolulu.
You are all a bunch of fauxgressives!!!!
(penguin noises)..fuck yourself Barack…(penguin noises)
Then again, the video is obviously fake, as it is time stamped at 10:33am, and everyone knows that Cheney cannot emerge during daylight.
Fool me once Wonkette, don’t get fooled again!
[re=213532]Incredulicious[/re]: I Like how the Dems all jumped up right away and the GOP was motionless until they remember: “oh shit he’s black better stand or they might know we’re racist”
[re=213473]tootsieroll[/re]: [re=213492]WadISay[/re]: Look guys, there will be a time when the Republican party gets its act together and starts winning elections again. Around that same time, the PUMA, Freepers and associated weirdos will start to appear relevant again. At least relevant enough for you to get frustrated about.
Until then, just laugh at them because they are useless fucking retards who just constantly splurt out stupid bullshit. Savor the moment, k?
[re=213460]Bruno[/re]: The funniest part about these PUMAs is that most of their commenters are fucking trolls and they have no idea. Gawd. It’s… so beautiful.
taggles1 01.08.09 at 4:41 pm
oink oinks!
So obviously a troll (maybe not), but the 2 people commenting (Murphy and Assbag) on their site that are dignified actual retards are like “HAHAHAHA THAT IS SO FUNNY!!11!!”
[re=213547]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I don’t see any natural light in there….
[re=213525]jfruh[/re]: Exactly; I was expecting a scroll to be stretched out and brass fanfares.
That election had more fraud than the Great Weblog Award Hijacking of ’09.
The streets of Mudville with be littered with Hairballs, tonight.
PUMA-haaa haaa hk haka
dick cheney is brave. he is a very brave man.
[re=213578]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: It’s oneof those ‘special places’ that is so nuts, you can’t tell who, if anybody, is for real.
Over in the Atheist Blogs there is a term known as Poe’s Law concerning fundamentalists. PUMAs represent a rare application of Poe’s Law in a secular setting.
Poe’s Law states:
“Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.”
How quaint. They might as well go whole hog with the historical relic that is the Electoral College and show up to the special joint session wearing knee breeches, powdered wigs, and tricorn hats.
And then Caesar Rodney can burst into the room wearing a veil over his face cancer and cast the deciding vote for Independence… whereupon the Congresscreatures will break out into whimsical songs like “Sit Down, John”, “”The Lees Of Old Virginia”, and “Cool, Cool, Considerate Men”.
Can someone please make a gif using that weird eyeball-popping Mr. Cheney does when Nancy Pelosi starts clapping again when no one expects it? It happens around 3:51 and is just too funny to pass up!
[re=213643]skutre[/re]: hey, that’s so true! There’s a poster here occasionally who calls himself “truechristian” and for the longest time we all thought he was actually a batshit crazy fundie, but it’s all just performance art.
This was actually pretty moving.
What happened in the beginning where Nanay pats John and then whispers something? Did she tell him if he fcked up, she had a stake, a silver bullet and holy water?
[re=213525]jfruh[/re]: “sheet of paper that Schumer hands Cheney, which really ought to include exactly four names and four numbers, need to be so enormous?”
When you enlarge the image, you see that there is some boilerplate, which Cheney recited. Then the requisite names and numbers. All of the rest is the Signing Statement. Provisos, stipulations, wherewithals, exceptions, convenants, codeciles, and so on. It will take the Courts four years to adjudicate.
[re=213480]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: And bring me Harry Potter
[re=213766]villageatrois[/re]: It is actually the “Great and Terrible Scroll of These Here United States” which is taken from the National Archives once every four years just for this exact purpose. Originally enscrolled by Illuminati Freemasons in the days of General Washington, it is the only form used for the “juft and proper declaration of He that fhall be our Prefident”. Robert Byrd keeps in his violin case since he was there the day Washington was elected.
Either that or it’s just a really big piece of paper that says Eat Shit Dick.
Your choice.
Thankf! What’f it have to do with Harry Potter, the Well-known forcerer? Doef it also come out in affaffination fequelae?
(Worried.) Barry should have appointed Hillary farther down the Chain of Succession. At the risk of getting more of that rib-tickling PUMA abuse, I point out that Hillary will be in the Haig Zone.
[re=213794]villageatrois[/re]: Cheney is Voldermort (or so says a bumper sticker I saw in Houston).
And yer right…Hillary will try to seize every opportunity to assert her “I’m in charge here” ways…
wow those bitches in congress can’t even applaud right; useless all of them, completely useless.
[re=213750]jagorev[/re]: I’m with you. After eight fucking years of this nightmare, I can’t even get up the energy to snark. I can’t believe is is almost over. I actually had tears in my eyes when Cheney announced Barack was president – maybe it was the Vicodin talking, but I can’t believe we have Obama coming in with a weak Speaker, a weak Senate Majority leader and a considerable majority in both houses.
[re=213515]The Cold Sea[/re]: “I feel great watching him choke back bile as he reads the results. Hah!”
I watched it on Rachel, to avoid the Orange Bowl.
For the first second, when Nancy starts the standing O, on the Democrats part, anyway, and Cheney looks down and has that creepy embarrassed smile, I think the old guy, just for that first split second, thought they were cheering his last act as Prez of the Senate–and by cheering it, I mean, paying tribute to him and how well he performed his duties as veep. The Republicans are just that delusional. Facts have no place in their world.
And Rachel had an even more bizarre story–the neo-cons’ Richard Perle now says that they never intended to build a democracy in Iraq so they could turn the middle east into a model of western, Jesus-loving values. Huh? Then who the fuck thought up these shitty wars, anyway? Joe the Not-a-Plumber?
That’s what so great about Republicans. Even with the tape of them saying something inane running in the background, they just keep a straight face and deny they ever said it. As Ariana defines them, the modern Republican is someone who believes what they believe, all evidence to the contrary. How do these people sleep at night? And why am I the one with Bell’s Palsy and not them? I just don’t get it.
And, my hand to God, Joe said that he studied up for his new career as a war correspondent by learning how to “pronounciate” the names. True fact. I saw him do it. What plane of reality is this? The end times? If so, will you please rapture these people up and out of our lives? (Joe also says he’ll be safe in Gaza because he’s a Christian. Yeah, that’ll keep the bad people at bay.)
[re=213910]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Jesus fucking Christ what is with you tonight? You DEMON. Kiss me gently, with a condom in your mouth.
[re=213459]Uncle Al[/re]: Don’t worry, Cheney will return to the Void soon enough – I doubt he’ll even attend the Inauguration. Instead, I expect him to flee in the wee hours of Jan 20 to his secure, undisclosed, uncharted, Cayman-Islands-funded tissue-donor-match-slave-staffed techno-crypt on a skull-shaped island near Dubai, while he still has Diplomatic Immunity and a valid passport not yet subject to immediate revocation by the Obama Administration. After that, us Wonketteers will experience him only as a reflexive douche-chill and an occasional blip in the news-feed in the business pages of the International Herald Tribune….
Is Dick Cheney… smiling?
[re=213591]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: True, but I thought he had to be in contact with the dirt he was first buried in during the day.
[re=213910]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Actually, the cheer came because they knew that Cheney had not demanded a blood sacrifice.
Stewart played the clip in which J. the P. stated he was learning how to “pronounciate.” He also played a clip in which J. the P. stated he would be safe in Gaza because he was a Christian.
The scary part is that means he is now in front of Ann Coulter as the leading intellectual of the Republican party.
[re=214540]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I thought he had some of it duct taped to his left ass cheek at all times?
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