Wonkette
We promised you that Barack Obama would be on the teevee today, threatening dire peril unless Congress approves a multi-billion-dollar Economy Stimulation Scheme that includes donating 500 Truck Nutz to every American household. Now the moment has almost arrived! Join us in watching our President-elect lay out how hosed we all are, economically. Do not be afraid to drink — after all, it’s almost noon on the East Coast!
He’ll be talking from George Mason University in front of SIX American flags. CNN’s $$ commentators are complaining that Obama’s being “overly honest,” all telling people about the double-digit unemployment that’s around the corner. Oh look, various people are lining up on the stage! Maybe something will happen soon. No, wait. That was old footage.
11:06 AM — President Obama is tardy. Dang, the dude just said we’re 8 to 10 minutes away from the speech. Sit tight, peoples, and remember: liquor before beer, never fear.
11:08 AM — Ali Velshi: Back in the day, politicians didn’t want to talk down the economy because they didn’t want to spook consumers. “Now, that fear is gone,” he says, so Obama is free to paint as grisly and disastrous a portrait as he likes. No matter how awful he makes it sound, it will be a thousand times worse in reality. Ugh, we’re going to go watch this little clip of Rachel Maddow on the Daily Show.
11:14 AM — It’s the dude, Obama! Wild applause and cheers. Do the people in this audience know what they’re in for?
11:15 AM — Nearly 2 million jobs lost; more jobs lost last year than at any time since World War II. Manufacturing at a 28-year low. NO MONEY, ANYWHERE. Whatever, Pollyanna!
11:16 AM — People may have to drop out of school in seventh grade to go work in the coal mines instead of going to college. We will live like our grandparents.
11:17 AM — Ha ha, “an era of profound irresponsibility.” He is talking about you, George Bush.
11:18 AM — But! We can fix it all, because we have Potential. Now, on to the Plan.
11:20 AM — 1. Give more people $$ and jobs. 2. Restart the flow of credit.
11:21 AM — This metric of jobs “saved or created”, how do they arrive at this? How do they know if they have saved a job? Will he just look at the number of Americans employed next year and be like, “I saved all those jobs, because obviously they have not been lost”?
11:23 AM — Let’s see, what else. “Green-collar jobs,” electronic medical records, huge giveaways to tech companies so that they can equip classrooms with “21st century technology,” etc. We will also fix our nation’s crumbling bridges, which is to say, every bridge in the nation.
11:24 AM — Also: More broadband, and also a middle-class tax cut. Extended unemployment insurance. Federal aid to states. Sorry dudes, that this is so boring and unfunny! It is just such a very long list.
11:26 AM — Transparency will save our economy! Our decisions will be on the Internets!
11:27 AM — And none of you Congressional goons better to try to slip in none of them dadgum EARMARKS. They are unpatriotic.
11:28 AM — Hmm, something about “addressing the foreclosure crisis”! A novel idea, quickly discarded for other topics. Railing against Wall Street, etc.
11:29 AM — Haste! Haste is urged, lest dreams be deferred and denied.
11:30 AM — Sorry Congress, you will probably have to work weekends on this one.
11:31 AM — Brief hat-tip to the other famous smoking president, FDR.
11: 32 AM — Well, that was brief! Did Obama satisfy CNN’s money commentariat? Ali Velshi: Hang on, let me grab some Wet Wipes. Yes, it was very satisfying.
11:34 AM — Christine Romans: “It’s very eloquent, but this is a Christmas tree of spending.”
So, to sum up: Obama has vomited up this laundry list/Christmas tree of spending requests, people still want details, but details are boring, we are all poor. America!!!
He could save the economy by selling sexy Hawaiian beach vacation calendars of himself. Think about it, Barry. We need to see more Presidential skin.
How do you fasten those shoulder straps to a barrel, anyway?
Go Barry! Go Barry! Go!
500 trucknutz? Is that 500 sets or 250 pairs? If he had sent them out last month, I could have used them to decorate my Christmas tree. Now, they would just take up space.
…unless “Truck Nutz” will be used as currency under an Obama administration, I would prefer WHORE DIAMONDS!!!
Sara, I believe the saying is: beer before liquor, never been better.
shanemacgowan: You beat me to it. I was going to ask if we get to pick the color, because I could have done a tasteful Christmas-themed display in my home with green and red TruckNutz(TM), and, with that many, could have used them as gifts for my co-workers (always tough to buy for).
…I managed to snag a copy of his speech:
My fellow Americans
WE ARE FUKKED!!!That is all.
The rhyme is “Acid before liveblog, hallucinating penis-jackals.”
elburrito: They’re selling pre-fastened ones at the Walmart, half off, due to the plunging economiez, you just have to get past the “greeter”…
Boy, that Truck Nutz gag never fails to fail to begin to be remotely amusing. I don’t think that the lesson from Ricky Gervais’ Extras was “everybody loves catchphrases!”
This is a great day for GMU. Not since Jerry Brown spoke in SUB II, circa 1994 has Goerge Mason been such a focus of national attention!
Here is my plan to revive the economy:
-Go to war with everybody.
-Steal everybody’s shit.
-Issue glowing First 100 Days report.
Problem solved, bitches.
norbizness: I must be a moran, because I find the concept of rubberized testicles that one buys and affixes to one’s trailer hitch, rear view mirror, etc to be endlessly hysterical. People purchase TESTICLES for their CARS. There is so much there to be mined, it is endlessly fascinating and amusing.
…and here to tell you about it is our new Master, China!
…he should end his speech with “…but there is good news! I saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!”
I am for the policy of moving America five miles down the road and not telling our creditors the address. Also: free balloons.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Delicious: Of course, it is important to ask whose economy we are talking about. Becuase, hey, that plan worked well for Bush and his friends. They are all doing well enough to donate $500K for Laura to buy dishes she will never use.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/01/07/AR2009010702829.html
norbizness: wah wah wah baby doesn’t like Truck Nutz
Delicious: …or we could conquor Switzerland. Doesn’t everybody want to see what’s in those old Nazi accounts? Oh, look! It’s Hitler’s brain in a savings deposit box!
There is nothing wrong with America that can’t be fixed with what’s half-white with America.
Free shit for everybody! Just cuz it’s a depression doesn’t mean it has to be so depressing.
AngryBlakGuy: Or ‘Life takes Visa’. Of course, nobody has one anymore, hence the lack of life.
Delicious: …I say we go the Zimbabwe route:
-Print a METRIC SHYT LOAD of money!
-Tell the Chinese fukk you and dump a trillion dollars on their doorstep!
-Re-value all your money by chopping off the last 2 zero on your currency.
-Legalize prostitution and get drunk.
And everyone lives happily ever after!
TGY: ‘conquer’. Whatevs.
Delicious:
Japan and Germany both tried that about 60 years back and it didn’t work out so well.
Doglessliberal:
I agree. Truck Nutz are just like farts in that they will always be funny.
Today we are all Nigerian businessmen.
You know, maybe the new Surgeon General could help with the public education aspect of how to hunker down during a recession. For instance, giving and receiving blow jobs costs next to nothing (depending on which garbage dump you hang out at) and they take up a fair amount of unstructured time, especially when they happen repeatedly and in rapid succession.
No no, not God Bless America…
Terry: Yes, but they didn’t have our secret weapon, which is to get George W elected leader of whomever we’re going to invade next. By the time we’re ready, they’ll be in a shambles! MOO HA HA!..oh wait.
Mr Blifil: “giving and receiving blow jobs costs next to nothing (depending on which garbage dump you hang out at)”
Stop talking about Confluence, you will anger SK Smith.
>>“It’s very eloquent, but this is a Christmas tree of spending.”
Ms. Romans is just pissy because the money’s being spent on average Americans, not Wall Street crooks or viagra for the Taliban.
AngryBlakGuy:
Yes, I only want whore diamonds too! And the more the better!
Whore diamonds are the ‘franca of Hope’.
I’m down with more broadband. I live in the middle of B.F. Egypt and it takes forever to see teh pron, or watch Jen Beegle, on my slow connection. Maybe that last one has to do with my screen size?
Sara, I can’t drink at work. I’m already in trouble for hanging out at Wonkette all day.
rmontcal: Anyone who gambled on the 2006 NCAA Basketball Tournament respectfully disagrees.
Smack before blow, down you go.
4tehlulz: Personally, I am SOOOo in favor of viagra for the Taliban. I never understood our foreign policy: we’re America, we’re rich, let’s just buy all these fuckers off. Cheaper than spending blood and treasure on invasions. Get them hooked on vitamin V, then when they act up… “Oh, I’m so sorry. You’re shipment is stuck at the port. Maybe you could free some political prisoners and they could help unload it?”
Car Ramrod: Liqor before beer, let’s do Jaegerbombs
shanemacgowan: your christmas tree of spending? that’s what we need. christmas tree of spending tree farms. i’ll want to get started right away. send money.
AngryBlakGuy: Don’t forget the millions you can save on health care by providing none while an epidemic sweeps across your drought-plagued, famine-stricken country. And all you have to do is not lift a finger! Money in the bank.
Six Flags over Mason?
The method to figuring jobs “saved or created”:
All the bureaucratic economic development agencies submit numbers of collected data from the client businesses’ signed forms stating capital aquired (since there is no loan monies, Barry left that part out), and jobs saved or created. Since the data is confidential (ie: not passed along to the IRS), and if a business works with multiple economic development agencies, then the data is counted for each agency equally in whole, and pooled. So if Joe the Plummer worked with both SBDC and SCORE and created 1 part-time toilet plunger assistant, he therefore saved 2 jobs (himself) + 2 created jobs (toilet plunger guy). Voila! 4 jobs total.
Beer? You can afford beer? I’m here brewing moonshine in my toilet out of moldy bread and Kool-Aid.
norbizness: That dog won’t hunt, Monsignor!
Nigerian Business Executive: …all Barry has to do is grow a stupid little pencil mustache!
Actually, Spiderman is Obama’s favorite super hero.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/news/2009-01-07-obama-spiderman-comic_N.htm?csp=34
Trapped here at work, it was impossible to listen. Did Barry mention fiber to the desktop? Cause we need it to stream pr0n at the office.
Buddy, can you spare a dime? ‘Cause damn.
AngryBlakGuy: Damn, Gary Coleman has not aged well…
Not one word about the porn bailout?
“It’s very eloquent, but this is a Christmas tree of spending.”
YAA EVERYDAY ES CHRISTMAS. Jesus would be so proud.
shanemacgowan: Waiting for recommendations from the FBI porn squad to see which production companies are most deserving. If they specialize in Cincinnatti Hot Plate vidz, they have a leg up.
As far as whether a job is “saved” or not - it’s basically like Calvinism: some jobs are predestined to be saved, some lost.
Unfortunately, you won’t know which is which until you die, but here’s a hint: In the end, there will only be 144,000 of them (jobs, that is). I’d say the chances for yours aren’t good.
Is Barry promising to give a job to Levi Johnson? That is the only thing that would make me support his plan.
I see where this is going. Obama Memorial Bridge, Hopey Memorial Highway, and, for our military-worshipping red states, the USS Magical Negro.
Servo: You forgot his face on the $3 bill…
Sassette: You can afford bread?
AngryBlakGuy: Best comment of the day
And W will be forced to live out his disgraced final years on his ranchette in Crawford and not move into the Laura “It’s my turn” McMansion in Dallas in order to save taxpayers bales of worthless dollar bills.
Hope to hell it’s not a 2008 Christmas tree of spending, because if it is, the entire funding will consist of a redeemed $10 Walmart gift card and whatever Obama can find under the Oval Office sofa cushions.
I feel a national malaise coming on…
@norbizness: I agree with everything you say because your avatar is so hawt. Mrawr!
I had to start using $1 bills as rolling paper - its far cheaper than real Rizlas.
Was he wearing his empty suit and pampers?
Sorry, been spending too many hours at night reading Puma blogs. I need a recharge brain on synthesis
Strongy O: but blow before smack is better than crack
I definitely vote for whore diamonds over truck nutz, because it’s whores and diamonds over truckz and nuts. Except for the fact that you can put a lot of shit in the back, even if you usually don’t, most trucks are just big, uncomfortable cars.
Plus, I’ve never really seen the humor in changing an s to a z.
freakishlystrong: WIN
Obama blah blah… What the FUCK is with Maddow’s glasses? does she need to scream LESBIAN everywhere she goes? What is she, rosie the riveter in that get up? Needs to keep some slag out of her eye? what? You can’t even see her face. I could understand if she was trying to keep jizz out of her eye, but 1)she doesn’t like that, and 2) it’s unlikely that Stewart is going to do it on teevee…..I’m not saying nothing, I’m just saying.