Wonkette
Ha ha, the entire journalism/media/publishing industry is collapsing, there are no jobs, more and more of America’s best writers and reporters are permanently unemployed, and there’s not any reason for this typhoon of fiery “creative destruction” to roll back, ever, meaning it’s really just “destruction,” since the American economy does not “create” so much as it does “restructure, hide, and disguise short-term corporate debt.” Where were we going with this again? Oh yeah, Joe the Plumber got a reporter job with Pajamas Media to go cover Israel and the Muslims’ war on a small, shitty landstrip thousands of miles away. Suck on that, you mid-major American newspapers that’ve been forced to shut down your foreign bureaus!
Just like his hero, Al Gore, did in Vietnam:
The Ohio man who became a household name during the presidential campaign says he is heading to Israel as a war correspondent for the conservative Web site pjtv.com.
Samuel J. Wurzelbacher says he’ll spend 10 days covering the fighting.
[...]
He tells WNWO-TV in Toledo that he wants to let Israel’s “‘Average Joes’ share their story.”
Ah, well in that case, fuck him.
Hats off to whichever AP writer was forced to put this story together for this gem of a droll follow-up sentence:
Wurzelbacher gained attention during the final weeks of the campaign when he asked Barack Obama about his tax plan.
Truly, an epochal event.
Joe the Plumber to become war correspondent [AP]
Oh fucking shit asshole cocksucker whores.
Honestly. There are no other words to describe that. STOP. PAYING. ATTENTION.
Actually, on second thought, there are probably a lot of backed up toilets in Gaza right now.
But, Joe, how will I ever know how to install my new digital antenna?
10 days is plenty of time for a borderline retard wing nut to learn all the subtleties of the Israeli conflict. I am certain this will be fair and balanced coverage.
This is going to be a thing of beauty. I imagine Joe’s first segment will be devoted to his discovery that the average Joes whose stories he’s trying to share speak a whole nother language.
…god, I hate this shytbag! Does Hamas have paypal?!
He canz spellz Balfour?
Joe, the collateral damage…
Good job, Joe! Hopefully, he’ll do his part to stop bullets or bomb fragments that might otherwise injure innocent civilians.
I smell gold. Pure.Comedy.Gold.
I am Joe the Steaming Pyle.
We need a Scud Stud style handle for Joe…
Turd Nerd?
Sorry, that’s all I got…somebody help me out.
Katyusha rocket, please find thy mark. Praise Allah.
freakishlystrong:
WIN!!!!
shortsshortsshorts: Can you really think of anyplace you’d like to see Joe more than in the middle of the Gaza strip right now? I think it might even be more entertaining than choices two and three, “dangling over heart of erupting volcano” and “stranded on Mars with leaky oxygen tank.”
Meh. I suppose it beats sending an orange traffic cone, although the traffic cone probably has better on-camera presence.
freakishlystrong: …Joe the hostage?
shortsshortsshorts: Not so fast, even Hamas requires that plumbers have a license.
freakishlystrong: …Joe the unidentifiable?
Why?
God, put your angel-winged hands all over his plane, but not enough to suffocate him and all the passengers inside, thereby retroactively harming in anyway, the bloggers who hired him and sent him there. Also. Amen.
so a guy who probably couldn’t finish “the old man and the sea” in high school is now going to be a war correspondent?? great. just great.
Leave it to joe to lay some pipe in the middle of an epic fight.
I wonder if he’s the one who fucked up all of those Iraqi schools, too?
AWESOME. Let’s send all out half-wits and tax evaders to war zones.
Sadly, I’m sure the Israeli Joes’ are just as fucktarded as ours, so we get to laugh at them now.
Joe the Schlummer.
Oh, the possibilities. How long must we wait to see him get sprayed with AK-47 rounds on YouTube?
Also going to Israel is John Conyers batshit wife Monica. You remember her from getting pwned by a 12-year-old last summer in a discussion about professional decorum. This is how we’re going to turn around the Detroit-Toledo megalopolis…sending our dreck to effing Gaza.
I’m going with Filty Cock Jackal.
IDF friendly fire, please!
Remember Joe - Kevlar is for sissies.
And if Hamas is looking for a target, just aim for the guy who looks like Mr. Clean.
Generation Silly
Generation Silly.
bitchincamaro: I really hope you enjoy gitmo buttsex
Ken Layne: Only one sure way of that, Ken. Send him to the UN compound in Gaza.
What about Gaza’s average Joes?
I think I hate this man with every fiber of my fucking being and it feels good.
Haters. Would you turn down a paying job in this economy?!?
Hopefully he heads to the Serengeti next - Joe the Hyena Whisperer.
I love JTP, I really do. He makes me feel funny in my pants.
…I have a feeling he will have a new found respect for socialized medicine when he is laying in an Israeli hospital, bleeding from multiple gun-shot wounds!
This bald man has no ideas, he doesn’t even have hair!
Let us send him to a war zone post haste. Don’t see what the problem is. After this, he will get a column for WorldNetDaily like Chuck Norris and the homeschooled Oklahoma 10 year old before him, and he will fade out.
N8Ma: For Joe, “Balfour” is a book written by former Yankees pitcher Jim Bouton.
To Charles Johnson and the rest of Pajamas Media: big, wet, sloppy kisses to y’all. We really didn’t need the material, but you can never be too busy.
Ken Layne: My thoughts exactly. Or perhaps the IDF can use the fucker as a human shield.
Gopherit: …or strap him to a Red Crescent ambulance!
You think Joe knows that Israel is not any letting any reporters into Gaza? Maybe they’ll make an exception for The Plumber.
Joe the Body Bag.
He’s probably called Geraldo for some reportin’ tips from a war zone…
Ah, I see belatedly that he’s going to Israel, not Gaza itself. That makes more sense.
On the other hand, God is clearly pissed at his chosen people. Where would you say plague of Joe falls — above or below locusts?
AngryBlakGuy: Joe the Gazan..
Can you say Plumbers’ Tramatic Stress Disorder?
This is absolutely amazing: the guy has no talent, no brains, and absolutely no personality. Does anybody even like this guy or take him seriously? Someone please tell me why this schmuck won’t just go away.
Shep Smith is looking pretty sheepish now. I look forward to his apology when Samuel is the new foreign desk editor at Fox news.
Tell him to call Geraldo for a map.
Ioseph the six pounds of horribly charred unidentified remains.
The Palestinians will rename his head “The Dome of the Cock”
The closest he’s going to get to the fighting will be when he flies into Tel Aviv.
And OT….pumapac <3s Ken Layne:
http://pumapac.org/2009/01/07/the-daily-pig/
threeb: Worked for Tom Cruise.
Well, he does need something to do now that the February date for converting to digital TV is looming and he’ll lose that gig. He has adjusted to the new economy very nicely…you whore yourself out doing whatever anyone will pay you to do.
freakishlystrong: …”Joe the bleeder” or maybe “Joe the bullet riddled”?!
AngryBlakGuy: best terrorist-like remark ever.
Amazing: the guy has no talent, no brains, and absolutely no personality. Does anybody even like this guy or take him seriously? Someone please tell me why this schmuck won’t just go away.
Now they’re just fucking with us - on purpose this time.
Why does some conservative website need to send Joe over there to produce more pro-Israel coverage? The MSM already does a fantastic job of painting Israel as the eternal victim, who is in no way responsible for the shitty lives of Palistinians. Other than Jon Stewart (who, ironically, is a jew), I’m pretty sure all other public media figures are firmly in league with the pro-Israel lobby.
What’s the point of going to school or trying hard? Just become a reality show contestant or pull some dumb stunt to get attention and you can get whatever job you want.
By the way Ken, you’ve been named “Pig Of The Day” by the bitterz. Salute!
http://pumapac.org/2009/01/07/the-daily-pig/
GDTRFB: Joe would the be the first human shield targeted by both sides of a conflict.
Hart88:
I think I love you.
threeb: Blame WNWO-TV in Toledo and Pajama Media er whatever it is. They also apparently have no brains, personality, etc.
If Tzipi Livni finds out about this, she’ll likely send a squadron of her F-15s to “escort” Joe’s plane to the friendly skies over Beirut.
Gopherit: What, they don’t like pigs now? What DO these people like? Tell us, that we may mock it!
Hart88:
That is fucking great! Grats Ken.
american mutt: …it takes a lot of practice my friend!
Theodorick Of York: wrench mensch!
I’d like to think that this is really just a clever plot by closet subversives who’ve infiltrated the staff of “conservative Web site pjtv.com” to (further) expose conservatives for the grasping, insincere, dishonest, intellectually empty, pop-culture/pseudo-celebrity-philic, mediocrity-celebrating whores that they are.
But, you know, it probably isn’t.
myiq2xu: Funny? As in you just crapped them?
Ach, Mein Gott in Himmel! Who will rid us of this troublesome fucknut?
May someone send Joe The Hustler running through a minefield.
grendel: …or knock-up the Governor of Alaska’s daughter!
I got a $50 at Ladbrookes.co.uk says he won’t set foot IN Gaza.
Will this plumber crack…under the pressure? We’re flush with anticipation.
Average Joe’s don’t wear flak jackets.
Truculent: WIN.
myiq2xu: I wish you were funny. I really do.
Hell, the IDF won’t let him anywhere near the fighting. In fact he’ll be so far from any actual combat that by the time he gets back he’ll have earned his membership in the Texas Air Guard.
Trace: Uh-uh. I think it has something to do with Black Muslims and race wars. Put on a yellow pantsuit and listen to “Helter-Skelter.” All will be revealed.
HuskyMescan:
I used to be, until Riverdaughter gave me the crabs.
Joe the Crater.
Perhaps there’s a silver lining: this idiot who’s definition if being ‘informed’ is memorizing the talking point du jour will be radically changed when he actually travels to a foreign place with horrific problems he has probably never ever experienced. (Canada and or Mexico don’t count)
I suspect up to this point he has not been exposed to much graphic war imagery, the smells of actual dead people or the fear of physical harm. Nor has he been exposed to people truly in a state of economic or medical deprivation (America’s poor are fat!)
Hart88: The level of victimhood, selfrighteousness and witlessness at that site could power a small city for weeks. The rest of you, form a human wedge around Ken (uh, does that sound right?)
Remember: there’s lotsa important war reporting which may done while relaxing in a mikveh at the Jerusalem Hilton.
choinski: “he has not been exposed to much graphic war imagery, the smells of actual dead people or the fear of physical harm.” Keep in mind that he’s from Toledo.
How does a plumber who makes $250k per year find the time to waste in some war zone? Shouldn’t he be looking after his bizness? Then again, wartime pay is at a premium, usually in cash, and tax free since the IRS has no idea what you made. Then again, you can announce in the media you’re doing it.
threeb: You wanna know who likes Joe? The people at Team Sarah. Yeah. Not THAT surprising, I guess, but they actually think he’s a hero. Go over there and see if you don’t believe me. It’s the kind of stupid that makes you want to drink bleach.
Oh dear — I just realized this is going to give him more foreign policy experience than Sarah Palin has. So we’ll be hearing from him again once the 2012 race fires up.
Joe the Plumber. Sarah Plain & Clan. Blagojevich and taint. We’ve entered a black hole of absurd comedy and now nothing of any real import will be accomplished. We may not be in the ‘final days’ but merely in a dream-like state of TV-style existence.
And I, for one, welcome this.
Joe the corpse?
SayItWithWookies: I can’t wait to see that debate.
It’s a dodge to get out of the country before Hopey taxes all his fabulous, make-believe wealth.
Please please, walk around in some big GWB t-shirt or American flag clothing without flak jacket in Palestine. It will show them you’re an average Joe, and they’ll appreciate that. Palestinians love being told about real American values and their superiority.
Oh, and be sure to take your brand-spankin’ new passport with a single stamp fro Israel on a fact finding mission to Saudia Arabia. With a couple bottle of Johnny Black and a fistfull of meth.
Oh, God. I hope he doesn’t try to speak Yiddish or something.
shortsshortsshorts: It’s not our fault idiot VCs are dumping a ton into Pyjama TV in some weird “conservatives are discovering the internets!” bubble.
On that note, check out teamsarah.org for your dose of idiot America, the most fun I’ve had watching trashy cryptoracists since HillaryIs44.org!
“The Death of Joe The Plumber,” by Ernie Pyle.
AT THE FRONT LINES IN GAZA, January 7, 2008 - In this war I have known a lot of assholes who were hated by everyone with whom they came into contact. But never have I crossed the trail of any man as hated as Joe the Plumber of Toledo, Ohio.
* * *
The unburdened mules moved off to their olive orchard. The men in the road seemed reluctant to leave. They stood around, and gradually one by one I could sense them moving close to Joe The Plumber’s body. Not so much to look, I think, as to say something in finality to him, and to themselves. I stood close by and I could hear.
One soldier came and looked down, and he said out loud, “God bless them.” That’s all he said, and then he walked away. Another one came. He said, “God bless them, each and every one.” He looked down for a few last moments, and then he turned and left.
Another man came; I think he was an officer. It was hard to tell officers from men in the half light, for all were bearded and grimy dirty. The man looked down into the dead Plumber’s face, and then he spoke directly to him, as though he were alive. He said: “I’m sorry they couldn’t do this over and over.”
Then a soldier came and stood beside the officer, and bent over, and he too spoke to the dead media whore, not in a whisper but awfully tenderly, and he said:
“I sure am sorry they left those PUMAs still breathing, sir.”
Then the first man squatted down, reached down and pulled down his pants, and took an enormous dump on what was left of Joe’s face. He sat there for a full five minutes, looking intently, and he never uttered a sound all the time he sat there.
And finally he stood up, pulled up his pants, gently straightened his fly, and then he sort of rearranged the tattered edges of his uniform. And then he got up and walked away down the road in the moonlight, all alone.
After that the rest of us went back into the cowshed, leaving the giant steaming mass of fly-attracting shit on what was left of Joe the Plumber’s face, in the shadow of the low stone wall. We lay down on the straw in the cowshed, and pretty soon we were all laughing.
[With sincere apologies to the memory of Captain Henry T. Waskow, Ernie Pyle, and the men of the 36th Infantry Division, United States Army.
http://journalism.indiana.edu/resources/erniepyle/wartime-columns/the-death-of-captain-waskow/
Hart88: Oh, shit, that’s good. Ken is, like, all powerful, ‘n’ stuff. Synthesis is the best new blog, even if we’ve never heard of it. W/o mindless unity, we are nothing.
Joe the Plumber. Fixing the world’s problems…one shitter at a time.
is it wrong for me to hope he never comes back? he doesn’t necessarily have to die or anything… oh and please send the whole palin family with him.
I’d pay real money for him to actually wander into Gaza itself, and catch a rocket with his forehead.
But you know he’ll never get out of some comfy hotel if he can help it. This guy’s about as much a “Regular Joe” as I am an ambidextrous quadriplegic trapeeze artist.
Well if anybody knows about being knee deep in shit it’s that guy.
Hart88: Ken Layne: All hail our new porcine overlord, Ken Layne.
sarcasticusername: Oh man, JTP with “Jerusalem Syndrome” would be the funniest thing ever.
Should we start looking at Jew dating sites. No reason for the big stud to fly solo all week.
Joe the Human Shawarma.
Also, he told Pyjama Media that he was currently employed as a reporter for CNN and wanted to know why the Palestineans were avoiding his direct and pressing questions on why they hate freedom.
choinski: “…he has not been exposed to … the smells of actual dead people…” besides Walnuts.
/fixed
myiq2xu is a PUMA, FYI.
AngryBlakGuy: yes they do, see Joe Lieberman for details
Maus: I think PJM should send along one of their ‘old hands’ to guide the new boy. I nominate Michelle Merkin.
bago: I thought the toxoplasmosis made them fling themselves towards cars or did they all fuse to their couches? Perhaps lord cattington and chairman meow are slowly feasting on their limbs as they angrily win AOL political polls.
You know, I am surprised this stupid fuck even has a passport.
Glad to know that pmtv is taking this conflict so seriously.
Why can’t Joe become a celebrity the old fashioned way: getting a reality television show and/or posing outside of clubs with drunk starlets?
Dear Citizens of Israel, a.k.a. Conservative Americans - Joe doesn’t help! He cleans shit pipes and makes Real America laugh. But if Pajamas wants to masturbate him into the war zone, go ahead, waste your “considerable” resources doing so.
Also, Joe always looked antisemitic to *me*. Or antisymmetric or whatevs.
He’ll be able to see Israel from his U-bend. Fuck him, I hope he gets skull-fucked by some israeli citizen draftee’s tampon.
TGY: Love the Israel, hate the Jews.
You people miss the brilliance to this selection.
The Israelis and Hamas agree about nothing. If the Israelis say
‘peace’, Hamas says war — and vice versa. If Hamas says
‘unfair’ the Israelis say ‘fair.’
After a few hours of exposure to JTP, there will finally be
some common ground — they will be able to agree that he’s
a moron.
Peace could break out!
All cynics will be ashamed of themselves when it becomes clear that Joe is the new “Papa Hemingway”.
Who has the damn fork that needs to be put in this clown.
Scottie: “The new ‘Papa Hemingway’”:
You mean, he’s self-lobotomized himself with a 12 gauge shotgun?
WIN!
Well providing he brings some of them digital converter boxes with him, I’m pretty sure he could bring peace to the region.
Haw haw…total gold. This is perfect! A story that has been fucked and corroded for a decade or so is now going to be relayed to us and ANALYZED for us by Joe the Dillweed from nowhere. Why does the US media hate us?
tiger: It’s Pajamas Media dude. Total publicity stunt. I love that Pajamas, Malkin et al. constantly refer to the “Mainstream Media” because that solidifies my belief that their nutty views are, indeed, well outside the mainstream. Which is precisely why I use the phrase “traditional media” or “the shitty newspapers and teevee.”
Joe the Pinhead reminds me of the classic Thurber story “The Greatest Man in the World.” Would that the two stories could have similar endings.
Joe the Pinhead reminds me of the classic Thurber story “The Greatest Man in the World.” Would that the two stories could have similar endings.
I wouldn’t eat a hamburger cooked by not-Joe the not-Plumber’s mother, though.
I’m sure Warhol is spinning in his grave, doing a round of recalculations while asking himself “what the fuck?”
Joe should have taken Levi the Unemployed with him.
Classic morning zoo team over there.
WadISay:
I’m having trouble believing this is a serious blog; are we sure they’re not putting us on? All that’s missing are the burning bras…. voila! The Sixties again..
Words:
Also, Hart88 and WadIsay: someone needs to sic PETA on them–oh wait, they probably are all members of that too.
I will praise Allah, Jeebus, Ganesh, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster if Joe heroically disarms a landmine with his face.
Neilist:
Goddamnit! You beat me to it.
Kev-O-Tron: “that solidifies my belief that their nutty views are, indeed, well outside the mainstream.”
Then why does the MSM cover them so much?
Hey, I’m actually a writer, and damned if I didn’t just get hired by the Food Channel to dredge up the contents of celebrity septic tanks. It’s for some special they’re doing. They sent me a wrench and boots and some kind of breathing thingy. The guy said something about adapting to the New Depression work economy. That was right after he made sure I wasn’t in the plumber’s union or certified or anything. So see, it all balances out in the end (that last bit is an old plumber-gopher joke).
The only thing better than the fact that he’s going to go sit in the middle of a war zone, is that he’s doing it on behalf of the repubtards. It’s all good. Yay!
ChuckWood: Dude, your average “conservative american” and your average Israeli have absolutely nothing in common, except both camps are pretty okay with bombing Arabs, and both camps can point to Bethlehem on a map.
Oh man. We’ve been through every pun but the most obvious one:
Jew Sixpack.
(Side Note: I was going to go as Jew Sixpack — hassid clothing, with 6 bottles of manishevitz hainging on the coat — but I couldn’t figure out a way to get the manishevitz on the coat in a non-awkward way. So fuck it, I went as Hunter S. Thompson.)
Gopherit: Or a to UN school. Damn those kids. Why won’t they learn to renounce Hamas?
Hahaha, OK, but seriously, I thought you all only posted real news. Really? To a war zone? OK.
Maybe he’s there to ask Livni and Barak (no relation to Puff the Magic One), why their tax plans hate Israeli plumbers so much. And then they strafe him with their warm jets. Boom!
AngryBlakGuy: Being a hostage anticipates that someone is willing to pay your ransom.
Stop the misiinformation. Our Joe in a “War Zone”? That is like saying that Bill O’Reilly does reporting.
A. The Israeli military allows no reporters, or other chordates, into the “War Zone”. It has learned well from the US Army’s unfortunate experience with an open press during a certain, late unpleasantness in South East Asia. The public can’t be trusted to be rational when allowed to see collateral damage, aka “civilian casualties [that] could not be avoided“.
B. Joe Roto-Rooter has not said that he is going into the “War Zone”, which is mind might be South Central LA. [Those Pachucos, they hate white men and carry knives.] Rumor has it that he will be reporting from an international leather bar in Geneva.
The fool didn’t read the fine print. He was hired to cover the band “War”. All my friends know a low rider…
the last time I wanted someone to die this bad was Vince Vaughn in 4 Christmases
Probably he’ll discover how much Israelis dislike born-again Xtns.
Zhu Bajie
I take it from this he drew the short straw to be the anti-Pat Tillman?
Tra: Don’t you suppose he’ll piss-off the security at the airport? Let alone the average Israeli.
Zhu Bajie
threeb: Apparently he has chutzpah, though. Maybe he’ll do OK in Israel….
The image of a europhile, refined Israeli “Average Joe” is going to be a bit disillusioning to Truck Nutz America. But this bit of cultural reality surely won’t stop Pat Robertson from waiving plenty o’ Israeli flags at his next, um, revival… while they read stories about god helping them destroy other cultures. Irony ftw.
TGY: Probably he’ll learn to hate Jews even more than before.
Zhu Bajie
The “europhile, refined Israeli ‘Average Joe’” looks and acts like the average Arab because he comes from Morocco or Iraq or somewhere in between. Joe is going to be very surprised to find out how un-Western Israel is. Particularly the Israeli habit of saying exactly what they think, not repeating what Fox News just said.
Zhu Bajie
threeb: “Amazing: the guy has no talent, no brains, and absolutely no personality. Does anybody even like this guy or take him seriously?” You’ve just described the typical Faux News presenter. Maybe that’s where Joeber the Hutt will end up.
I imagine him being interviewed by their Personnel Manager; the big screen on his office wall showing a typical gaggle of Fox talking heads is in full blather mode.
Joeber: “You know, I ain’t really a plumber, or a T.V. expert. Just between you and me, I ain’t even a real journalist.”
Personnel Manager, pointing toward the screen: “I wouldn’t worry too much about that Joe, ‘cause, just between you and me, they ain’t either.”
S.Luggo: Or a UN aid truck with UN flags on it during the “three hour daily ceasefire”.
AngryBlakGuy: Joe the Red Mist?
Anyone know any Hamas or Mossad members who can arraign an accident?
zhubajie:
oh damn,
if he has to fly El Al, he’ll freak out when he meets Israel’s MP5K-toting idea of “Airport Security”.
can you actually DIE from culture shock?
Tra: The IDF isn’t allowing press of ANY kind into Gaza, so where in the “war zone” will this fat fraud go?