knocked up

Every Teenager Everywhere Is Pregnant

It's the most fun a girl can have with her clothes off!Oh BLAST YOU, Center for Disease Control! You issue these fancy figures about rising teen birth rates, knowing full well that the only thing Americans find more interesting than celebrities getting buried alive in coffins of cow eyeballs is the thought of teenagers fucking each other. So everybody gets excited at all the hot teen sexx happening, right now, furtively, in walk-in closets and wood-paneled basements across the United States, and then it turns out that these exciting statistics are from 2006.

That is not really the CDC’s fault, it’s the most recent data they have, but STILL. It completely ruins our hypothesis that teenagers are getting knocked up because sexytime is the cheapest form of fun a youngster can attain in our New Depression. But along those lines, here is what one Sexpert had to say about the surge in teen birth rates:

Michael Carrera, the director of Adolescent Pregnancy Programs at the Children’s Aid Foundation in New York City, blamed economic stagnation among low-income families, which, he said, led to indifference about contraception.

“It is one thing to know about contraception, but to want to use it, you must also have knowledge of a good life,” he said.

Related video

That is about the saddest thing ever, the end.

After long decline, U.S. teen birth rates rise again [McClatchy Newspapers]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Hola wonkerados.

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97 comments

  1. rmontcal

    “director of Adolescent Pregnancy Programs at the Children’s Aid Foundation in New York City” = sexpert

    HAHAHAHA

  2. Cape Clod

    ‘Janice Crouse, the executive director of the Beverly LaHaye Institute, an alliance of conservative women, faulted an atmosphere of sexual tolerance, especially on campuses, where teens are “under the influence of peers, and under pressure to drink.

    “College counselors see a very close connection between all the sexual activity and alcohol.”‘

    Obviously, the lack of colleges in New England accounts for that region’s low pregancy rate.

  3. Terry

    “It is one thing to know about contraception, but to want to use it, you must also have knowledge of a good life,”

    Good grief, I’m going to have to have a drink at lunch after that one.

  4. jimh

    “right now, furtively, in walk-in closets and wood-paneled basements…”
    AND in cars! Don’t forget cars!

  5. ManchuCandidate

    Judging by what I’ve seen in the brief glimpses I’ve had of the Jerry Springer show, “indifference about contraception” is pretty much the same regardless of the economic situation.

  6. Bruno

    This is simply economics. Who doesn’t want to get pregnant and get a $300k photo deal for your baby. That’s the going rate, right*?
    *I’ve also heard you get paid more if your mom gets busted for having a meth lab or something.

  7. Terry

    [re=211580]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:
    “…geez, poor people should just be like me and re-use condoms!”

    Honest to God, I’ve seen a lady clothes pin washed condoms out on a clothesline to dry.

  8. AngryBlakGuy

    …don’t worry everyone, now that Barry is in office those drive-thru abortion clinics the right-wingers are always talking about are just around the corner!

  9. SayItWithWookies

    It certainly has nothing to do with abstinence (ahem) education — in much the same way that teaching people to drive with their eyes closed would have no correlation to an increase in road accidents.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    [re=211581]Cape Clod[/re]:
    “faulted an atmosphere of sexual tolerance, especially on campuses, where teens are “under the influence of peers, and under pressure to drink.”

    Should be corrected to:

    “faulted an atmosphere of sexual tolerance, especially on campuses governor mansions, where teens are “under the influence of peers, and under pressure to drink.”

  11. Trace

    [re=211579]rmontcal[/re]: No kidding, man. But how cool would you be if you could tell people you were the director of “Adolescent Pregnancy Programs?”

    Probably have to grow a mustache, though.

    Dunno what’s wrong with these razzin’ frazzin’ kids, anyway. Back in my day when we needed to bust one or both nuts, we’d just date rape a cardboard cutout.

  12. Miller

    So I’m unclear….does this mean we increase funding in abstinence only education or do we just start telling kids their naughty bits will rot off if it touches another naughty bit without a special ring on your finger? Or do we just start banishing these girls to a nunnery? Perhaps St. Anne’s Nunnery for Knocked Up Teenage Sluts?

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  13. Tommy Says Soooo

    That’s why you should do it with PUMAs. You need a lotta lube and be near-sighted but there’s no kids. Except the 40 year old ones that live at home already.

  14. friendlynerd

    Maybe the South is so religious because they’re too busy fucking their brains out and they feel they have to make up for it? I can see no other reason for their consistenly baffling hypocrisy.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    [re=211581]Cape Clod[/re]: Beverly LaHaye is Tim (“Left Behind”) LaHaye’s wife — which I guess provides a nice ideological balance, if you’re not interested in actual facts.

  16. PrairiePossum

    Sarah Palin’s abstinence only sex education policies are very popular in “real America.” “Real America” are those areas of the country with the high teen pregnancy rates.

  17. EnBuenOra

    Thank God that our Red State friends have engaged their plan to defeat all them damn librul Yankees and Westerners and whatnot by outbreeding:

    Mississippi has highest teen birth rate, CDC says

    By MIKE STOBBE, AP Medical Writer Mike Stobbe, Ap Medical Writer

    ATLANTA – Mississippi now has the nation’s highest teen pregnancy rate, displacing Texas and New Mexico for that lamentable title, according to a new federal report released Wednesday.

    Mississippi’s rate was more than 60 percent higher than the national average in 2006, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said. The teen pregnancy rate in Texas and New Mexico was more than 50 percent higher…

    …Some experts have blamed the national increase on increased federal funding for abstinence-only health education that does not teach teens how to use condoms and other contraception. They said that would explain why teen birth rate increases have been detected across much of the country and not just in a few spots.

    There is debate about that, however. Some conservative organizations have argued that contraceptive-focused sex education is still common, and that the new teen birth numbers reflect it is failing.

    Yeah, sure, a bunch of Satanic “medical” types thinks it might have to do with contraception and not telling kids enough about Bible stories in which God kills unbelievers.

    But “some conservative organizations” know better, and some of ‘em even took off ‘er belt and snapped it real hard while winking at the interviewer and sayin’ “If’n you know whut I mean.”

  18. shanemacgowan

    The 2006 increase for teens 15-19 was from 40.5 per 1,000 to 41.9. The increases were greatest through the South and Southwest, and lowest in the Northeast.

    Mississippi had the highest birth rate: 68.4 births per 1,000 teens aged 15-19. New Mexico and Texas trailed close behind.

    Maybe the kids in the South are abstaining from the wrong things.

  19. Min

    [re=211596]friendlynerd[/re]: It’s much simpler than that. Southern kids are kept ignorant about a lot of things, including birth control, and that means they’re train wrecks waiting to happen.

    Before Dr. Dobson went completely off the deep end and sold his soul to the Republicans, he made a very cogent observation. There is a difference between raising an innocent child and raising a virtuous child. An innocent child is basically ignorant and therefore lacks the knowledge to make good choices. A virtuous child OTOH has been given the mental and emotional tools to evaluate outcomes.

  20. ph7

    Fingerbanging and blowjobs is never enough, is it? I was hoping all those cellphones in the teen’s pant pocket would be keeping the privates well sterilized, but no such luck.

  21. Robobot

    It’s not about having a good life, it’s about having the common sense to prevent an ever suckier one.

    Box of condoms: $13 (Free at many health centers!)
    Baby: According to some statistics as much as $100,000 up to age 18. (Welfare ain’t gonna cover all that, dipshits.)

  22. shanemacgowan

    [re=211602]EnBuenOra[/re]: Don’t you understand, it’s all those illegal aliens coming here to have anchor babies.

  23. daisy chain

    Whatever, safe sex is boring and elitist. It’s all Priuses, lattes and condoms with you libtards. STFU and go knock up a teenage girl like a Real American. Then name that baby Sarah Palin so it will hate you forever and get knocked up at 13.

  24. XOMuffintop

    I guess kids haven’t figured out how to use all those fancy new birth control methods…like pulling out.

    Back in my day, we were smart enough to either use a rubber or make sure the chick was on the pill. No child left behind in action I guess.

  25. Mad Farmer... of Science!

    [re=211598]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: You’re in Port Angeles. Kev-o-Tron is in Seattle, and I’m in Washougal (but I swear I’m not a cow-fucking ignorant cracker!) We should, like, hangout or something.

  26. pondscum

    [re=211582]Terry[/re]: I don’t get this logic. If they can’t forsee a good life, then why would they want to bring a child into the world?

  27. The Rev. Yevot

    [re=211584]jimh[/re]: No, cars were not forgotten. We simply have no cars anymore. They was repossessed.

  28. Sussemilch

    The wordy things were long and wordy, but I get from the picture that McCain is Bristol’s bady daddy? Bad man, you’re married to a rich gal and your sperm is older than color television!

  29. satyricrash

    When is the Centers for Disease Control going to get off its ass and cure this dreadful disease??? How many more trips to the mall, flights on a plane, or 3pm matinées have to be ruined for me???

  30. glamourdammerung

    [re=211590]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I certainly hope they use those suction tubes like the bank drive-thrus have for dead fetus disposal.

  31. Robobot

    [re=211625]4tehlulz[/re]: And why aren’t we encouraging lesbian three ways on mom’s fold out bed in the trailor? Everybody wins!

  32. sidkrofft

    in the uneven bed of gravel that provides the blanket on which the trailers of our park rested, the neighbor’s pitbulls, Sombitch and Helena, would have rough and surprisingly loud sex antics in the swirling dust. in a palovian square dance of hornedness, cans of pabst were abandoned, and the screen doors were closed.

    there was love, and a whiff of lighter fluid, in the air.

  33. WadISay

    1. More babies for Jeebus;
    2. Population growth in red states;
    3. No hope of material advancement.

    Conservative hat trick.

  34. phillyjagoff

    [re=211619]Mad Farmer… of Science![/re]: Whatever, everybody in Washougal is an ignorant, cow-fucking cracker. You just go to Enumclaw to do your business now.

  35. glamourdammerung

    [re=211632]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: That it is all men’s fault for “keeping great candidates Hillary and Sarah down”.

    The same thing they have to say about everything.

  36. TJBeck

    So these kids have been pregnant since 2006? Jesus H. Fucking Christ, those girls must be the size of a Volkswagen by now. Start squeezing, already.

  37. DCStaffer

    Just need to use the battle tested form of birth control and when finishing just scream “no baby, no baby, no baby” – god its not rocket science!

  38. jbd

    [re=211582]Terry[/re]: Ha ha! I preemptively drank for breakfast. Take that any stupid depressing story that might come along on any given day!

  39. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=211636]glamourdammerung[/re]: Have you looked at that blog today? They’re flipping out. That was sofa king strange yesterday. Who are those people? Boy am I glad I don’t have some nutty aunt or sister or cousin or whatever that acts like that.

  40. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=211628]glamourdammerung[/re]: …I imagine it going something like this:

    Drive-Thru Attendant: How can I help you?

    Female: Ummmmm, yeah can I get a number 3 please?

    Drive-Thru Attendant: Would you like that Partial-Birth or Chemically Induced?

    Female: You know, they all look so good! Which do you suggest?

    Drive-Thru Attendant: If you have the Partial-Birth you get a second for free!

    Female: WOW, I’ll take one! How much?

    Drive-Thru Attendant: Dont worry, taxpayers are paying for it! Drive up to the second window please.

  41. Cape Clod

    [re=211599]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That makes sense. People who are funded off the proceeds of unimaginative fantasy stories for close-minded, superstitious illiterates have a vested interest in slagging higher education.

  42. freakishlystrong

    Of course, per the always affable Ms(r?) Coulter this AM, they’re all libruls and leftys, (brown skinned ones), that are “single mothers”, deftly sidestepping the “Conservative of the Year’s” own unwed mother of a daughter…Oh! The hypocrisy!

  43. glamourdammerung

    [re=211640]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I just glanced over some nonsense about how everyone is sexist for not voting for Palin and Clinton. Of course, they are not sexist for insisting everyone should have voted for horrible candidates for the sole reason of their gender. Apparently, the irony of their stance is completely lost on them.

  44. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=211619]Mad Farmer… of Science![/re]: We do hang out; here on Wonkette.

    But hey, how do I know you’re really from Washougal? QUICK: name the best Mexican restaurant in the Camas/Washougal metro area!

  45. lenorecutie

    Planned Parenthood anyone? They don’t just do abortions. They have all these lovely programs such as free physicals and counseling. Plus they hand out condoms and lube like like it’s going outta style.

  46. glamourdammerung

    [re=211643]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I kind of thought it would be like putting your junk up against the vendor machines all the banks that have not gone out of business yet had and getting little L Camino Meth Binge Palin sucked right up those tubes.

  47. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    “The only thing Americans find more interesting than … the thought of teenagers fucking each other” is illegal in most states.

  48. lenorecutie

    [re=211648]glamourdammerung[/re]: Yeah. I thought being a feminist was all about wanting equality. But apparently a REAL feminist treats men like men treated women 50 years ago.

  49. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=211598]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I was thinking about you when I heard that story last weekend. That’s a huge bummer. The thought of a bunch of cops digging through 60 tons of garbage to find the body is pretty revolting.

  50. Monsieur Grumpe

    Maybe we could bring down the birth rate by distributing some of those realistic love dolls down in Mississippi, Texas and New Mexico. How do you clean those dolls anyway?

  51. ShamWow

    Can someone superimpose a map of the red/blue states on a map of the states with the highest teen preggers rates so we can truly see the ironic correlation between supporting abstinence only and being a douchebag?

  52. PrairiePossum

    [re=211652]lenorecutie[/re]:

    Weren’t they selling gift cards for the holidays? Obama should consider Planned Parenthood gift cards for Mississippi teens as part of his economic stimulus plan.

  53. problemwithcaring

    I heard Wonkette was just a bunch of angry lustful teenaged boys. Anybody down for some NOT abstinence?

  54. lenorecutie

    [re=211663]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I figured you just took it out into the yard and hit it with the hose.

  55. glamourdammerung

    [re=211663]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: My plan for lowering the birth rate in red states involves genetically engineering sheep to have human vaginas.

  56. spontaneousabortion

    [re=211652]lenorecutie[/re]: Free exams? You must use a better funded one. Of all the PPs I’ve known, you’re lucky to access a sliding scale clinic. And even sliding scale prices have had to increase over the past 8 years because of the awful drops in funding. Thanks, Bush administration! They hit us on many sides and left us unprotected.

  57. FreshCliches

    [re=211611]ph7[/re]: All the pants pocket-residing teen cell phones are set to vibrate, The End.

  58. charlesdegoal

    Teenagers having sex is exciting, but here (in France) the minister of justice, who is single and very attractive, just gave birth and she won’t tell who the father is. Needless to say, this is titillating the jornos into a frenzy.

  59. tootsieroll

    [re=211640]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Have you looked at that blog today? They’re flipping out.

    I went over after wasting 3 hours of my morning laughing so hard at yesterday’s 700+300 posts. I had to post something because 1.) One of them asked if anyone knew what a “Speak and Spell” was, and 2) they thought the post with the quote from “Animal House” was a real threat against one of them.

    My husband hates all of you because now none of my domestic work will get done today and dinner wont be on the table at 6.

  60. PrairiePossum

    [re=211672]lenorecutie[/re]:

    Instead of hosing the doll, shouldn’t you hose the horny teenager?

  61. spontaneousabortion

    [re=211668]PrairiePossum[/re]: That would be awesome if there was more than one Planned Parenthood in the state.

  62. totoro

    Why not get your girlfriend preganant, drop out of school, and work in your mom’s drug dealing business? You might have a shot at moving into the White House, where you can walk around shirtless and high at all times while the taxpayers feed your baby.

  63. FreshCliches

    [re=211663]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Thanks! I’m now inspired to “RickRoll” The Effluence PUMA site with links to realdoll.com ….

  64. OffTheRecord

    [re=211678]spontaneousabortion[/re]: Plus Planned Parenthood is like crazy protester central. I used to have to walk by one everyday on my way to work. I wanted to smack somebody upside the head with their Bible. But I resisted the urge.

  65. TeddyS

    Projecting the 2006 figures ahead, the CDC concluded that during 2008, teenagers were still screwing. Ask Bristol and Levi.

  66. commiegirl

    [re=211678]spontaneousabortion[/re]: Unless, like me and the sad teenz, you are totally unemployed. Then PP gives you a nifty card good for a YEAR FREE! Thanks, Planned Parenthood!

  67. lenorecutie

    [re=211678]spontaneousabortion[/re]: that sucks ass. I guess I live in a college town with a high hippie population. Yay California!

  68. lenorecutie

    [re=211712]OffTheRecord[/re]: See, that pisses me off. They help you “plan” your “parenthood” by giving you contraception so you don’t have to have an abortion. Hence the name.

  69. Robobot

    [re=211712]OffTheRecord[/re]: Around here the pro-choice and women’s rights groups send volunteers to escort women into clinics and PP. You know, to protect them from the often violent protesters.

    Mighty fine work those God warriors are doing.

  70. lenorecutie

    [re=211720]lenorecutie[/re]: uh… I meant large hippie population, though I am pretty sure most of them are high.

  71. Godot

    [re=211620]pondscum[/re]: They don’t WANT a child, they want better sex. Condom technology has improved over the years but it still numbs the feeling somewhat. They can’t imagine a better life but they can imagine better sex, so they go for the better sex.

  72. OffTheRecord

    [re=211729]lenorecutie[/re]: But sexing for any reason except to make a baby is a sin douchaknow?

    [re=211730]Robobot[/re]: There is nothing sadder/more amusing than a violent mob armed with Bibles.

  73. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=211662]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Yay, my old neighborhood too. Several times in my youth I’d been in the house where the grisly festivities took place. My friend Jimmy’s older brother, semi-crazy and back from Vietnam with his war bride used to live there, and we’d hang out and ‘help’ older brother work on his project car. I’d probably peed in the murder weapon, so to speak, at one point.

    All the weird murders in my town seem to happen in my old nabe, which is actually one of the best in town. Well kept yards with mature trees, high concentration of churches, etc.

  74. Kev-O-Tron

    [re=211806]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Really, really sad. The whole scenario is just depressing on so many fucked up levels. Dead baby jokes aren’t funny when they’re reality based.

  75. BigDupa

    [re=211581]Cape Clod[/re]: It’s common knowledge that New England chicks love the oral. Ergo they save the five-hole for post nuptials. Dr. Gupta should start a campaign of “Pro Hummer = Pro Life.”

  76. populucious

    First thing, kill all the statisticians. Cuz I’m sick of hearing their misuse/abuse/total incomprehension of how “cause and effect” actually works.

    Study after study comes out showing that where there are teens, there is often also drugs, sex and alcohol. So we get endless conversations about whether it’s the drugs that cause the sex, which leads to alcohol, or is it the alcohol, which leads to sex and drugs?

    Or, is it the fact that all teenagers, as every last one of us can attest from experience, are horny manic depressive little bastards with no impulse control, a natural state which inevitably leads to drugs, sex and alcohol! Teenagers were why all 3 were invented! Heck, they were probably invented BY teenagers! Brave little Homo Erectus teens sacrificing their all so we could someday learn to par-tay!

  77. Mustang

    [re=211595]Tommy Says Soooo[/re]: Wouldn’t it be better to be farsighted? I mean assuming you don’t want to clearly see said PUMA during the act of sex, which is, by definition, intimate? Hey, are you one of those young stupid adolescents who makes fun of sagging tits??

  78. dougbob

    ya missed the part about mississippi having the highest birth rate. gotta be a cracker joke there somewhere.

  79. CivicHoliday

    [re=211620]pondscum[/re]: Misery loves company. I think some teens just don’t give a crap, even though they know on some level that their already wretched lives will simply become more wretched after having a child. Other may even invite the drama, because, like doing drugs, at least it adds a little excitement into their lives and provides a break from the dreary monotony of being poor and stupid.

    Oh, and about a month ago I read a comprehensive study showing that there did appear to be a correlation between increased teen pregnancy rates and decreased funding for comprehensive sex education (in favor of abstinence only ed, or no ed at all). So, any parent who thinks that a promise ring will keep their 16 year old daughter’s vag shut tight, you best invest in a crap load of huggys. Do it soon, while your money is still worth something – otherwise you’ll probably have to sell a kidney for a month’s supply.

  80. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=211924]S.Luggo[/re]: Remember that when Gawd loves you there is no need for the desires of this world. ? ? ?

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