Maybe This Celebrity Guy Will Lead Commerce!

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He looks like a kindly gent, but he has the soul of an insect.Barack Obama has completely exhausted his list of passingly competent government nobodies to fill the remaining positions in his upper-level administration, so now he is reaching out to people he has heard about on the teevee. Today we hear that Richard Parsons is under consideration for Secretary of Commerce now that Bill Richardson has returned to beard-farming. You remember Dick Parsons, yes? Former chairman of Time Warner, one of a select handful of black people to run a Fortune 500 company, etc? He also apparently “ran a Social Security study group in [the] Bush era,” which should send a cold chill of fear down your spine. Dick Parsons is obviously Beelzebub. [The Page]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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  • the doctor

    Fun fact: Washington governor Christine Gregoire, recently re-elected Princess of Mediocrity, disappeared the other night and her press secretary wouldn’t answer whether or not she was going to continue being the governor. So for a whole night people reading Seattle blogs wondered if maybe their boring mediocre governor might be Commerce secretary maybe! But nope, she was just visiting Iraq.

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    Is this the black David Denby? Smoochies!

  • BillyClubb

    Why would Barack Obama pick a Do-Wop singer from the 60’s for Secretary of Commerce?

  • shanemacgowan

    Can you get subsidies for beard farming?

  • Cookie Guggelman

    He’s a friend of a friend and I’ve only heard really great things about him over the years. Well, that’s all I’ve got.

  • rockstarjoe

    I wish we were still talking about PUMAs.

  • Bruno

    [re=211473]the doctor[/re]: Did she really visit Iraq, or did she just go to Kuwait and look over the border to Iraq?

    This, plus being able to look over the border to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, ‘looking across’ the Gulf in the direction of Iran, and the possiblity experience with the foreigns at airports during refuelling stops, is a certain way to expand any governor’s foreign policy experience to make a run for Washington.

  • Otto Reimer

    So, the token from the board of Citigroup is going to run our token economy now?

    On special note, for those who can’t even remember last weeks Rock of Love, years ago Parson was also given a key to the Big House by Nelson Rockefeller, and had a big heavy iron fisted hand in the fucked up Rockefeller laws here in NY, leading the jailing of countless brothers, which if confronted with Parson will just claim he is a monkey’s uncle tom on the issue.

    I’ll stop, but this dude is just a stool pigeon, but heavy on the stool side.

    So what’s been up Wonkette, glad to see you survived the maniacs of Denton.

  • Hamster

    Morgan Freeman fully endorses this appointment. Total job security.

  • WadISay

    Another CD opportunity for the RNC, something about “Got a Black Magic Negro (in my Commerce Department)”.

  • Serolf Divad

    Wait… aren’t parsons the same thing as preachers? Quick, somsone go tell the PUMA from yesterday’s video so she can add him to that interminable list of evil pro-Obama preachers that no one’s ever heard of.

  • ph7

    Dude, if you get the job, I’d check the plane very carefully before your next trade mission.

  • Vewol Mevemont

    Wow, people are coming up with extremely creative euphemisms for “rehab” these days. “Taking time off,” and “being with the family” just don’t cut it anymore. “Visiting Iraq,” “giving birth to a child with Down Syndrome,” and “being vetted for Secretary of Commerce” are the hot new ways of describing two weeks in a methadone clinic.

  • golliwog

    I live so far out in the sticks that I still don’t have cable access. Rural Broadband for a better tomorrow! Pay up city slickers!

  • XOMuffintop

    Will he have to shave to get the job? We all know Barry likes his secretaries cleanly shaved and smooth.

  • Mahousu

    [re=211473]the doctor[/re]: Is “visiting Iraq” the new euphemism for having an affair?
    “Where were you last night??”
    “Oh, honey, you know, I was just visiting Iraq.”

  • the doctor

    [re=211496]Mahousu[/re]: Yes please.

  • p-Sludge

    univ hawaii grad natch

  • slavojzizek

    If he’s going to give jobs to TeeVee stars, can’t he find a position for Stephen Colbert or Joel McHale or… That is about it for people I respect who I see on television.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I don’t see why not — if he was a Fortune 500 CEO, he should be rewarded for bringing us all this prosperity. And privatizing Social Security.

  • daisy chain

    I want Simon Cowell to be a Supreme Court Justice. He can make those birth certificate wingnuts think they have a chance and let them humiliate themselves by actually trying to make their case before slamming them for being total assfaces.

  • slavojzizek

    [re=211519]slavojzizek[/re]: Mariska Hartigay for Attorney General. Rowrrr.

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=211473]the doctor[/re]: WTF purpose would Washington’s boring governor have for touring Iraq? Does Bush offer these people some kind of junket where they get to play the slots in the Green Zone and drink all their hooch they want, for free, if they say how swell the war is going? And how we’re going to win this thing, just as soon as someone can figure out what winning that fiasco would be?

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=211491]golliwog[/re]:Psss….(Cupping hand in front of mouth) Do you have satellite access–mostly, I think, a clear view of the southern sky? I couldn’t get broadband until, like the commercial, I got hughes net.

    Ugh, sorry–what were you guys talking about?

  • Miller

    Uh, Bill Richardson is a Latino. I’m pretty sure he has to be replaced by a Latino to make sure enough Democrat constituencies are placated by the racial/gender makeup of the Cabinet. Preferably a gay, female, Latino. This man is clearly a black.

  • DustBowlBlues

    If he’s picking teevee people for slots, how about Dominic West at the FBI? Let ol’ Jimmy McNutty kick up some shit. And I saw Idris Elba on an HBO movie about Rwanda and know that he can totally be a good guy, so I say we give Stringer Bell the Commerce Department. He can get those mofo bankers who think all hot stuff workin’ on the side of the people.

    Plus, of course, the hotness factor of the Obama WH would be scorching.

    Except, wtf–aren’t both those guys English? There you go again–going on constitutional on my ass.

  • jfruh

    Wait, was Parsons from Time-Warner, and helped make the totally disastrous decision to be acquired by AOL? Or was he at AOL, and help make the totally unethical decision to launder AOL’s pretend Internet stock price by buying a real company? I’m not sure which would be preferable.

  • Min

    It’s all about the beard, people.

  • Vewol Mevemont

    [re=211606]jfruh[/re]: No, that was engineered by Gerald Levin (Time Warner) and Steve Case (AOL). As far as I know, Parsons either wasn’t on board at that time or had no role in that fiasco. On the contrary, the merger was undone during his watch.

    Speaking of AOL, does it even still exist? I wonder if Prodigy still exists. I’ve got to get a Prodigy e-mail address. That would be hot.

  • dzymzlzy

    I think they should get Matthew “GET FREE MONEY TO PAY YOUR BILLS” Lesko to head up commerce.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=211633]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: They’re still selling keyboards with Caps Lock keys on them, so I’m pretty sure AOL is still around.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=211561]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I will attempt to answer for Gov Chris. I think its the old when-things-get-to-hot-at-home-time-to-do-something-statesmenlike-howzabout-a-visit-to-the-old-troops?

    Washington State, like many others, is facing mind-boggling deficits and as Gov, naturally she’s getting some heat. I personally like her (a two time voter) though she is an exceptionally mediocre Governor. She only won because her competition was a creepy Repub robot wholly owned by the land rapers and that fact was completely transparent.

  • jagorev

    [re=211606]jfruh[/re]: The decision on AOL’s part may have been unethical under some namby-pamby communist version of ethics, but it was brilliant for AOL’s shareholders. Steve Case should have been made Secretary of State.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=211667]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You always know just how to make my morning.

  • Vewol Mevemont

    [re=211676]jagorev[/re]: And ultimately aweful for Time Warner’s shareholders. Gerald Levin should be made secretary of getting forcibly sodomized by Ted Turner, who I’m guessing hates him.

  • assistant/atlas

    I thought we already filled the “respectable black dudes (and ladies)” in the Cabinet quota. The Latins and teh geyz and the beard-o-philes (bears?) will be pissed.

    Also. I want Mad Money’s Jim Cramer. After all, Commerce is the Cabinet equivalent of the trained seal–just clapping and flapping and flopping around for teh bidness.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=211606]jfruh[/re]: Parsons, a lawyer turned banker, was appointed president of Time Warner in 1995 and was thereafter described as Levin’s right-hand man. In May 2002 he became CEO of the clusterfuck known as AOL-Time Warner, which had just reported a record quaterly loss of $54 billion. He resigned as CEO in 2007.

    In 2004, Time Warner gave $250,000 (the maximum allowed) to the Bush inauguration.

    Heck of a job, Barry.

  • Vewol Mevemont

    [re=211746]S.Luggo[/re]: Yes, we all know that you’d rather all of Barry’s appointees be green-gilled uber libs who know everything about the economy and business but have never participated in it. Yawn. Wake me up when your utopia starts — I hope it involves Liz Kucinich, and if not, it should.

  • thefrontpage

    If anyone on the planet should NOT be in the current government, it’s this guy. And he should NOT be in an Obama administration. This is the guy who ruined Time Warner, AOL, CNN, and other entities. He should just enjoy his retirement—-and apologize profusely to Ted Turner.

  • eyesfriedopen

    Parsons was the public face of the AOL-Time Warner merger, so he takes the brunt of the criticism. If it was Jobs’ and Case’s baby, they chose him as the fall guy and he willingly participated. If it was his baby, he caused a lot of Time Warner stockholder grief. Either way, not the kind of guy I would want ramrodding the economy in the near term.

    Oh yeah, snark. umm… if he was Hispanic, that’d be different, ’cause he’d me making quota.