Look. These new PUMAs are really annoying. They’re as reactionary as the Paultards circa late 2007, but at least the Paultards had ideas, man, they had a fuckin’ ethos. These PUMAs, on the other hand, are thoughtless, easily manipulable and selfish to the extent that when they don’t get what they want, they blame everyone else for stealing something and offending them, when really no significant events in the real world could affect them in any meaningful way. These are the people who get personally offended, for some reason, when they hear that Britney Spears went driving with a baby on her lap, or, more pertinently, when Hillary Clinton didn’t get as many delegates as her contender. Grow up.

We considered warring with them for hilarity’s sake, but they’re just too pathetic and besides, frigid January is a poor time of the year to commence warring.

So enough with the Confluence bloggers, who will not shut the fuck up about how we’re cheating simply because we have many, many votes in the Weblog Awards. Well, guess what, Confluence, some blogs get 100,000 visitors a day, and some blogs are Confluence. Goodbye forever.

A couple of other things you can do, though, to fuck with these PUMAs from the privacy of your own home.

  • In “Best Small Blog,” we wholeheartedly endorse the excellent Rumproast blog, and you should vote for them daily. They have bravely been messing with the PUMAs since this summer, consistently, and with hilarious results. The PUMAs noticed that they’d been nominated in this category and are mobilizing their entire Internet loser base to prevent Rumproast from winning. Make Rumproast win.
  • Another “major” nominated PUMA blog this year in the category of “Best New Blog” is one called “Uppity Woman” (jesus christ) and it cannot be allowed to win. So we arbitrarily endorse another one called “~ synthesis ~” because it has a fun-lookin’ name. Vote “~ synthesis ~”, the best new blog in America.
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • shortsshortsshorts

    Does this mean you’re banning all the PUMA’s from the earlier blog? Because I like their ideas…. perhaps this WAS a STOLEN election after all.

  • cal

    Jim, you have the patience of a saint to have lasted this long.

  • FreshCliches

    Because nothing says “we have class, and we’re above all you frat boyz” like fart soundboards and ASCII flip-offs.

    PUMA:Irony :: Oil:Water

  • Joey Ratz

    Gotta check out that fart-sound website. That’s the best idea since Fred Thompson’s candidacy, easily.

  • Jim Newell

    [re=210764]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: What? Did something happen while I was typing this post?

  • SeminoleInDior

    Thy will be done, Newell.

  • JeffGoldblum

    Jim, until Nancy Grace starts a really sweet blog, the PUMAs will be all up in our shit.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    Gawd this is fun. And I like that I’m now a frat boy even though my college never had a Greek society. Can anyone tell me what kind of frat admits bisexual, peaceniks who don’t understand sports and enjoy things like yoga, painting and folk music? Maybe the Wonka house?

  • Scandalabra

    So I shouldn’t bother registering at godaddy?

  • Arthur B. Ablabab

    I saw some awful things in ‘Nam, but you really have to wonder at the mentality that would desecrate a helpless PUMA.

  • cal

    Oh yes, and now Ms. Riverdaughter is claiming that PUMAs are “weak and powerless” and being cruelly abused by Mean Wonktards.

    What happened to PUMAs and POWERFUL and ROAR!?!?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=210781]Jim Newell[/re]: It MAY or MAY not have been PUMAgedden, 2009.
    Horribly Stubborn and Impossible to Defeat Edition.

  • HopeyDope
  • FreshCliches

    [re=210777]Joey Ratz[/re]: Now you’re on to something. I’m off to make a Fred Thompson phlegm-clearing soundboard, with a background image of his wife’s cleavage.

    Gotcher’ frat boyz right heeeeeeeah, Effluvians/Conflucians/Whateverians.

  • mattbolt

    Well, Newell? How did the online fart soundboard smell?

    Whoever registered in the early days of the dot-com boom was sitting on a goldmine.

  • MisterLoki

    But they followed us home! Why can’t we keep them? I promise to pick up after them and feed them. And I will walk them every day!

  • NoWireHangers

    I don’t know, Jim. That post earlier today has gotten pretty twisted in the last hour. I don’t know if we can turn back now. You better bring the ban hammer down hard. We were threatened with the dreaded “enchirito”. I nearly didn’t make it out of that post alive. There may be other commenters that are still there…we’ve…got to go back for them…some are badly wounded…I don’t have the strength…

  • V572625694

    With only 97 votes for ~ Tildathys ~ we’ve got our work cut out for us. Uppity PUMA’s got about 800 votes.

  • Gopherit

    so wait, the PUMAs are fucking nihilists? Where the fuck do they get off whining?!!

  • justlen

    I’m convinced that the people on the PUMA sites that post as guys are really bitter old lesbians with Peter North sized clenises.

  • WendyK

    Wonkette, I do your bidding.

  • hockeymom

    Don’t forget to vote for everyone’s favorite boyfriend, Nate Silver.
    AND if you are in DC, you can go to a little party he’s hosting on the 19th. It’s 90 bucks…which is a lot, but there’s also four free drink tickets…so if you don’t eat all day before the party you could get drunk fairly quickly.

    And PUMA People, go away.

  • WendyK

    FYI “synthesis” was a good choice, because it’s author’s name is Shafeen Charania, which I’m pretty sure means his middle name is “Hussein” or “Osama” or “Mustafa” or some such thing, which I’m pretty sure means he’s Ay-Rab. Merry Christmas PUMA!

  • Voyou Charmant

    I’m starting to sympathize with them. I remember this one time at the end of 5th grade when we all got to go out side and compete for different colored ribbons, and, well… I was chubby, and not athletic, so I didn’t win and I think I should have won because I wanted to and clearly everyone stole the re #1 ribbon from the rightful winner: Hilary Clinton.

  • Mustang

    Hey! The wimmin at Confluence just turned me on to a humorlicious site called Cake Wrecks. Har har HAr. Oh ladies, these cakes are some kinda wacky. Check it out Jeanketeers!

  • Kev-O-Tron

    [re=210777]Joey Ratz[/re]: I like this one too.

  • Sassette

    [re=210770]FreshCliches[/re]: I did like that little ASCII guy, though.

  • Hart88

    Jim – I don’t vote on the first date, and I’m pretty sure my ballot box is closed.

  • ManchuCandidate

    You saw how big they can get. If you can afford to feed them then you can keep’em.

  • slavojzizek

    Who the hell are these people? Weren’t PUMAs basically just a creation of the McCain campaign? It’s like one of those science fiction novels where the robot escapes to fuck with someone’s blog.

  • loquaciousmusic

    I wrote this whole long post on the other thread and it didn’t post and I HAZ A SAD. What I had posted, long-ly, was that you all need to go to this section of the PUMA PAC website and read everything there, ever and ever, AMEN.

    There are .jpg and .pdf files, people. Get on it.

    Also, the lead PUMA, the one who has been commenting? This song is so totally about her. Because PUMAs get what they want. In this song, us Wonkette commenters? WE ARE HUEY, MAN.

  • XOMuffintop

    Please don’t end the war, Jim! Please! DON’T! Do! IT!

    I have only been able to make one sexist joke, one cheese smelling vagina joke and only been able to tell the bitter to masturbate to Hopey on one occasion.

    I know you are powerful and all mighty leader of this group and I am a moderately funny poster at best. But I need this, man.

  • Trace

    These PUMA people are seriously the most fun I’ve had all day, but I’ve had kind of a stomach ache, so the competition wasn’t exactly stiff.

    Thanks to PUMA, I discovered that I’m the “average Wonkette poster” even though I just started posting here, I’m a frat boy even though I’m a transgendered homofag, and I’m mean to people simply because they’re women even though I’m mean to people who are idiots, regardless of gender.

    They have so much to teach us. And since none of it is based in reality, it’s all new to me!

  • sk1win

    Did anyone else watch that video on Riverdaughter ( Too say it was hot is an understatement. MMMM, objectification.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    We must come together with the “Wonkette Bump” and destroy these hairy-armed cretinous villain people. Vote early, vote often, for anything non-associated with “Confluence Death Hell Self Misery Husbands Left Living on Alimony Forum Dung.”

  • chascates

    OT big time but please vote for Serious Eats as best food blog if you have time:
    They sustain me with food porn such as:

  • XOMuffintop

    Oh and by popular request, here is my previous post.

    But, here, I will entitle it an open letter to the PUMA community.

    Dear bitter hags,

    You are such a potent combination of bawwww and fail I think my heart has grown three sizes in pity for you and the rest of the sad pot roast burners in the PUMA tribe. May I suggest taking a moment, pushing past all the Arby’s roast beef folds between your fat, gouda smelling thighs and consider scrolling the old mouse once or twice to our boy Hopey? Rubbing a few out may make you feel better over the fact that you are a bitter, old hag with more cats than Andrew Lloyd Webber.

    Oh, and do PUMAs also talk about how the south will rise again, beta is better than VHS and the 8-track will make a comeback? All those other causes are about a valid as Monday morning quaterbacking the primaries.

  • aristoggle

    I’ve grown tired of the PUMAs … and now I can’t get Helen Reddy out of my head.

    Whatever happened to Late Night Shots?

  • Min

    I have my doubts that the “puma” who posted that response is really a woman. The post has the nuance and refinement generally only seen in eleven- or twelve-year-old boys.

  • Homo Motors

    Go Go Gadget Fascism! Done and done.

  • chascates

    [re=210819]slavojzizek[/re]: Apparently Hillary is the One True Messiah and, hence, Obama the AntiChrist. Better McCain/Palin because it’s ALL ABOUT COUNTRY OVER PARTY.

  • Gopherit

    Awesome! TY Jim, I was the annoying sheep guy over thee. I’ve never been offered the internet version of “Pull my finger” before. I am touched! Sniff!

  • pdiddycornchips

    I am a proud soldier in the PUMA infrantry and Tina Fey is our Commanding Officer. We will follow her to the gates of hell.

  • justlen

    I just shot off an email to McNiel Pharmaceuticals. PUMA’s are such a perfect demographic for their new Monistat 365 I suggested that they sponsor their site.

    “Yesterday I was at a PUMA protest at Old Country Buffet, because they changed the flavor of their Jello. I went all day without having to scratch my cooter by rubbing it against a fireplug. Thanks, Monistat 365!”

  • Bruno

    done and done. Besides that Synthesis guy Shaheen is H-O-T.

    For humor, I still have to go Jon Swift (sorry Josh, I like you too, they just put this guy in the wrong category). Maybe you can invite him to be Wonkette’s own “Lightning Rod Conservative”?

  • Gopherit

    I wholeheartedly endorse voting for wonkette, but if we can make sure they come in dead last? That would sting.

  • loquaciousmusic

    Holy shit, Ken. Look what one of the RIVERFIREWATEREARTHGIRLWOMANVAGINA commenters left as a treat for you!

    You know darlin Puma sisters and brothers … sometimes being an internet radio station owner is a blessing , and sometimes it is a curse . Today for instance , when the server is being migrated to a new ip and we are silent , it is not any fun .
    Your ears bleeding from listening to bad music is another disadvantage .

    We play music from some great independent artists , but not everyone out there that fancies themselves a rock star or even a musican have what my good friend Carol , mother of Clint Lowery of Sevendust, and everyone else in the music biz call SKILLS .
    Lots of people, even blog owners , try their hand at making their own CD and seeling on CD BABY , and even when have all their blog world friends give glowing reviews… does it disguise flat notes and music that sounds like it is being played by someone dragging a truck .

    Ladies and Gentlemen of the Confluence … I give you

    Corvid is the latin word for the bird family which includes crows, ravens, rooks, jackdaws, jays, magpies, treepies, choughs and nutcrackers; more commonly the CROW family . Perhaps this name was chosen to appear erudite, ( don’t you hate that in a rock star? ) but as fate would have it , it seems to apply more to the sound produced by the lead singer and the band .

    This IS the guy from the Wonkette

  • cal

    Newsflash: Rumproast at #2 and closing on #1!

  • grevillea

    OMFG! Barry’s election will greenlight the wholesale objectification of wimmins… that already exists in magazines purchased mainly by wimmins…

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=210787]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: My women’s college didn’t have any frat houses, either, although you COULD argue that, since we were all a bunch of raging dykes with didos and cheap beer, we weren’t that far off.

  • Vewol Mevemont

    The war on puma cannot end until one of them carves a backwards “B” into their face or until the corpse of Andrea Dworkin publicly endorses Barry Hoperton Unicorn Osama Hussein.

  • Gopherit

    [re=210855]loquaciousmusic[/re]: yes, they’ll totes buy your music, and you can leave us behind.


  • Kev-O-Tron

    [re=210864]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Oh Annie. What a day you’ve missed. Or have you been reading? I highly suggest reading some of these karazee threads all the way through.

    I wish I went to your college. I would fit in better than the half-rate Hawaii Pacific University where all the students showed up in swimwear. But shit, if I went someplace else I wouldn’t be able to say that SARAH PALIN WENT TO MY COLLEGE!!!!11!

    I guess that’s kind of a PUMA reference so this comment is officially OT.

  • Gopherit

    Yay!!! Annie, you’re back!!!!

  • Dreadful Gate

    Jim, I’ve got a vote here, and it’s fucking golden, and I’m not giving it away for fucking nothing, see!

  • Dildo Baggins

    Yeah, they’re really ones to talk about taste and sensitivities. Have you seen their ad for “Scamalot,” featuring BHO as Stepin Fetchit. Plus, they seem to like Palin. Yes, I think the war must continue.

  • lenorecutie

    [re=210787]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: And apparently I’m a frat-boy, even though I’m a woman. Who knew

  • Mad Farmer… of Science!

    [re=210803]Gopherit[/re]: Lebowski? Nice. First they are badass. Once they are losing–commence whining! Jesus-Christ-on-a-stick, even my tool of an ex isn’t that bad.

  • Gopherit

    tonight, we go on the offensive. Some of us may not come back, but we ride for glory and WONKETTE!!!!

  • Neilist

    This WAR isn’t OVER until it’s OVER.

    And it’s not OVER until we’ve gone NUCLEAR.

    “General Bogan, Group 6 has gone past its Fail-Safe Point . . . .”

  • Mad Farmer… of Science!

    [re=210848]justlen[/re]: Win! I almost disturbed my workplace laughing.

  • Maus

    “blame everyone else for stealing something”

    Everything but their virginity OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH snap.

  • facehead

    I’m just getting on board here.

    I took a look at this “Confluence” internet site with words thing, and I’m pretty sure it has become the “Wonkette is The Evil Bad Thing” blog.

    Who are these cougars? Do they know we have shortsshortsshorts on our side?

  • justlen

    [re=210899]Mad Farmer… of Science![/re]:

    I’m honored considering this is my first day on Wonkette.


  • Raumfahrer

    Jesus Christ, these bitter hags still exist? What the fuck is their damage? They should be making me a sandwich so I don’t have to listen to their bitching anymore. And bring me a beer, too.

  • turboslut

    man, I really miss the Paultards. Oh, for another primary season

  • Colander

    Ok, I did it, but I feel so diirty. Don’t tell Father Daniels, ok?

  • ladymacbeth

    There comes a time when we need a certain call
    When the world must come together as one
    There are people dying
    Oh, and it’s time to lend a hand to life
    The greatest gift of all

    We can’t go on pretending day by day
    That someone, somehow will soon make a change
    We’re all a part of God’s great big family
    And the truth – you know love is all we need

    We are the world, we are the children
    We are the ones who make a brighter day
    so let’s start giving
    There’s a choice we’re making
    We’re saving our own lives
    It’s true we’ll make a better day
    Just you and me

    that is all.

  • american mutt

    [re=210903]facehead[/re]: i like reading their attempts at humor. like watching a strange scared woman try to explain why’s she’s scared of a man they call “o’bambie” — makes no sense.

  • unprotoize

    [re=210814]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: is also useful in these situations.

  • JGB

    Congratulations! is available

    You can get your domain name only, choose a solution or add individual services below.

  • Canuckledragger

    What part of “s/he who gets the most votes, wins” don’t they get?

    You’da thought the primary season mighta taught ’em something.

    Re: Ken Layne & the Corvids – clearly he chose the name because he likes feeding ice cream to crows. He ain’t in the Mojave because he doesn’t like Beefheart. Speaking of which, this is your Captain speaking, albeit as a ventriloquist using Canuckistani dummies:

  • Kev-O-Tron

    [re=210848]justlen[/re]: Epic fucking WIN!!! Please get an avatar and stick around.

  • justlen

    The mods are asleep at the switch at riverdaughter. Enjoy.

  • Neilist

    This is really sick.

    I watched the video re advertising and the sexual objectification of women, etc. I agreed with a lot of the points made, but then I read this little gem:

    “This is what the victory of Barack Obama means for women: We are all fair game. It’s fine to advocate violence against Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin, over and over and over. You can win a national election by doing that, no matter how unqualified and corrupt you are. It’s also fine for Obama’s chief speechwriter to feign date rape against Hillary Clinton and not only keep his privileged position in the Administration, but to write the inaugural speech.”

    I immediately decided that rape is a Good Thing.

    For some people, that is.

    (PUMAs: Word to the wise: Cows don’t get raped.

    Even if they ask politely.

    Moooooooo . . . . )

  • NoWireHangers

    Okay. I think that other Puma post finally isn’t funny anymore so I’ll stop this and go back to my paying job. It was good while it lasted. Great way to spend a Tuesday. God bless us all.

  • tunamelt

    [re=210941]Neilist[/re]: What? Do they even know what date rape is? Because screwing with a cardboard cutout is not date rape, and basically trivializes the experience for anyone who *has* been date raped.

    Way to fuck up their own arguments.


  • finallyhappy

    I voted as ordered- and will do so each and every day. I am the perfect demographic for Confluence- well, if added to my womenthings and age, I was mental, bitter and pathetic.

  • johnnypantalones

    Yeah, when did Obama’s campaign ever incite violence against Hilary or Palin? Last time I checked it was Palin rallies that looked like deleted scenes from Triumph Of The Will. What planet do these retards live on?

  • comradepaulson

    Hopey “advocated” violence against Hilz and Palin? WTF? Seriously, it was fun with the Paultards and the Late Night Shots, but this conflict could spin out of control. I’m taking waist deep in the Big Muddy PUMA here. We’ll all be grabbing onto helicopters fleeing our embassy before 11:00 PM, mark my words.

  • mdotsota

    I miss the old days when the PUMA was just the logo of Josta. Remember Josta?

  • american mutt

    [re=210949]tunamelt[/re]: Yeah, since is when is drinking and feeling up a girl date rape? I mean how lazy is that.

  • ioksotot23

    [re=210928]Canuckledragger[/re]: any fan of the captain can mock PUMA w/out mercy, free of charge,

  • american mutt

    [re=210954]johnnypantalones[/re]: drinking with cardboard cut outs is also rape to them… i think they’re just projecting.

  • tunamelt

    [re=210967]american mutt[/re]: A cardboard cutout =/= not a girl.

  • tunamelt

    [re=210967]american mutt[/re]: Also, every time I drink, I end up feeling up girls, and I’m a girl. I’ve just discovered that I am a date rapist. I need to be alone now, I think.

  • Origami

    [re=210920]american mutt[/re]: That’s what really irks me, to be honest. They are just plain unfunny. At least the Paultards were occasionally self-aware and made some funny jokes now and then. These lasses try SO HARD to be funny and they just end up sounding horrible. This might explain why 98% of Jezebel commenters are unfunny. I dunno. As a vagina-haver, this disturbs me.

  • bago

    That’s not even a valid regex.

  • grevillea

    [re=210941]Neilist[/re]: ‘Cos Barry = Anna Wintour. Or something.

  • finallyhappy

    [re=210967]american mutt[/re]: So does that tell you what they know about rape? or being felt up(or second base as we used to call it). Plus I am pretty sure date rape or any other sort of rape cannot be accomplished with a cardboard cut-out. I mean, if you took a cardboard cut out and tore it to pieces- do you get arrested for murder?

  • justlen

    I was thinking of buying the domain myself.

  • tunamelt

    [re=210978]tunamelt[/re]: This was never the way I planned
    Not my intention
    I got so brave, drink in hand
    Lost my discretion
    It’s not what, I’m used to
    Just wanna try you on
    I’m curious for you
    Caught my attention

    I kissed a girl and I liked it
    The taste of her cherry chapstick
    I kissed a girl just to try it
    I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it
    It felt so wrong
    It felt so right
    Don’t mean I’m in love tonight
    I kissed a girl and I liked it
    I liked it

  • ifthethunderdontgetya”

    So we arbitrarily endorse another one called “~ synthesis ~” because it has a fun-lookin’ name. Vote “~ synthesis ~”, the best new blog in America.

    Vote for Blue Girl in a Red State!

    You know you want to.

  • Lord BEEF

    ~*~*~ synthesis only needs about 300 more votes to take the lead! ~*~*~

  • Trace

    [re=210987]finallyhappy[/re]: Would a paper cut be like an STD in that situation?

  • tunamelt

    [re=210979]Origami[/re]: The last time my vagina tried to tell a joke…

  • justlen

    I kissed a girl and I liked it
    I liked it

    I’ll be in my bunk
    /fap fap fap

  • johnnypantalones

    [re=210979]Origami[/re]: Eh, it’s just that zealots of any stripe are almost always the most unfunny mother or fatherfuckers imaginable. Zealotry and a sense of humor do not mix.

    We believe in nuzzingk, Lebowski (fuck, is this IOZ’s comment section?)

  • Dkat

    you want discourse, you got discourse. exactly what do you what to discourse about?

  • Wonks Adventure

    [re=210949]tunamelt[/re]: agreed. they start throwing terms like “date rape” around, they better know what the fuck you’re talking about. they’ve stepped out of the arena of silly and entertaining (but ultimately harmless) blog wars, and into some serious shit.

  • Dkat

    you want discourse, you got discourse right here, what is it you want to discourse about?

  • ElectricZen


  • justlen

    [re=211009]Wonks Adventure[/re]:

    I got accused of “verbal rape” by them once. I laughed my ass off.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya”

    [re=210994]ifthethunderdontgetya”³²®©[/re]: I see what I did there.

    Best New Blog, Best Diarist. Almost the same thing, rilly!

    So vote Blue Girl!

  • american mutt

    I don’t understand how they paint Obama as both a pampered effete and leader of the knuckle dragging rapist man-pigs. i mean, making rape jokes just isn’t funny and they shouldn’t get wonkette started on such dangerous territory.

    shame, shame, shame on them.

  • american mutt

    Also, can I call them racist for suggesting that all black men like to do is rape desperate white women? ’cause i’d be offended if i weren’t somewhat desperate myself.

  • ioksotot23

    turned them in to the sheriff of hong kong for lack of sense of humor, then sicced abba zabba on them for the monkey fear, and then apes-ma shit in his cage in disgust….

  • tunamelt

    [re=211038]american mutt[/re]: Everything they learned about black men came from The Birth of a Nation.

  • hrhkingfriday

    [re=211020]justlen[/re]: So thats, what, telling something they don’t want to hear? Sounds about right.

  • cal

    [re=210995]Lord BEEF[/re]: Synthesis is actually a very cool little blog, I like it. Share some love?

  • johnnypantalones

    “Well OF COURSE Hopey’s a rapist, he’s a negro! Duh, guys. Only women are an oppressed minority, no one has ever oppressed a man, regardless of his color, and also Hilary having the nomination stolen from her was worse than MLK getting shot.”

    These statements are only *slightly* stupider than the date-rape thing they actually said. How much more poking them with a stick will get them to lapse into self-parody and actually say something like what I just wrote?

  • Kev-O-Tron

    I’m taking one last peek at that other crazy ass thread and I’m off to do some boozin. I vote this as one of the top five best days on this site. I’m interested to hear how many hits you guys got today. Just for fun will you post it in the morning round up? It’s been fun waging jihad on the PUMAs.

    You are all warriors today.

  • MrHacks

    Why do I get the distict feeling that the intellegence in this thread is eroding to the level of a 4chan /b/ discussion?

  • Words

    Lord, I thought this breed died out w/Bella Abzug… self-righteous boring people with no sense of humor, much less irony, satire, or snark (apologies to Denton). Can’t believe she takes on Molly Ivins as being in her corner, so to speak. These people truly are best ignored. Hopefully, some day, they will learn to laugh at themselves; I bet even God doesnet take Himself that seriously–look at all his creation: He has to have a sense of humor!

  • Dkat

    Why do I get the distict feeling that the intellegence in this thread is eroding to the level of a 4chan /b/ discussion?

    MrHacks: I’m personally waiting for some signs of intelligent conversation.

  • american mutt


    > Our next letter is from GoldJeffBlum:

    > Mr. GoldJeffBlum has us confused with Ana Maria Cox who as I recall wrote odes to the art of ASSF$^&king. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

    Is this true???!!11!

  • tunamelt

    [re=211054]MrHacks[/re]: There are no pictures, so you are obviously incorrect.

  • johnnypantalones

    By the way I am supremely disappointed that none of you have done some sort of “THIS…IS…WONKEEETTTEEEEE!” post or gif or something. Shame. Shame.

  • Maus

    [re=211054]MrHacks[/re]: We’re always one step away from an ED entry, at least.

  • Jim Newell

    [re=211060]Words[/re]: Yeah I like the Molly Ivins defense, when one of her most famous lines right before her death in 2006 was, “I’d like to make it clear to the people who run the Democratic Party that I will not support Hillary Clinton for president.”

  • tunamelt

    [re=211066]american mutt[/re]: Did they really censor assfucking with punctuation?

  • Tommmcatt


    Wait a second. Consciously funny AND self-aware? Are we thinking of the same Paultards?

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=210967]american mutt[/re]: [re=210978]tunamelt[/re]:
    I always thought feeling up girls after drinking was just another common sense, time honored custom. It’s not like guys and gals are getting wasted at the bar/club scene to enhance their experience of the fine culture to be had.

  • american mutt

    [re=211073]tunamelt[/re]: yessir.

  • Keram2

    [re=211054]MrHacks[/re]: Hey! There’s no gratuitous porn… yet. Hmmm… *scratches beard*

  • XOMuffintop

    I need help. I am addicted to trolling the troll on the other article and don’t think I can stop. It’s becomming an addiction. Like smack or masturbating to the Rachel Maddow show. I know, I am a sick person.

    Also, I regret voting for the black, muslim, cheating, rape loving fauxgressive since I saw that video.

  • Canuckledragger

    [re=211060]Words[/re]: ” I bet even God doesnet take Himself that seriously–look at all his creation: He has to have a sense of humor!”

    True dat. S/He gave man two heads, but only enough blood to run one at a time. Hey now!

  • Wonks Adventure

    [re=211020]justlen[/re]: hmm, i don’t even know how that would work. you probably handled it better than i would.

  • MisterLoki

    [re=211054]MrHacks[/re]: ITT MOAR PUMA SAUCE

  • Keram2

    [re=210892]Gopherit[/re]: We shall go on to the end,
    we shall fight on the web,
    we shall fight on the blogs and weblogs,
    we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the intarwebs,
    we shall defend our Wonkette, whatever the cost may be,
    we shall fight on the message boards,
    we shall fight on the comment sections,
    we shall fight in the comment fields and in the blogrolls,
    we shall fight in the series of tubes;
    we shall never surrender,
    we shall figh— OH. Wait. This is the internet, and none of this shit matters at all. It is fun though.

  • american mutt

    [re=211078]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: actually i often hang out at dirty bars and strip clubs reading books of poetry but honestly i’m hoping to feel a up a girl the entire time so i agree.

  • tunamelt

    [re=211089]Keram2[/re]: I feel like standing up and waving a flag.

  • smellyal8r

    [re=210807]hockeymom[/re]: For a hunnert bucks, could I make out a bit with Nate Silver?

  • Servo

    I get enough satisfaction knowing that the PUMAs’ bottled rage is slowly killing them.

  • slinkimalinki

    “Uppitywoman08” is already fail. you woulda thought someone woulda cottoned on to the whole not-putting-the-year-in-your-blog-name thing by now.

  • The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

    Your PUMA has no regard for human life, not even of her own. For this reason men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme watchfulness. The enemy may come individually, or in strength. She may even appear in the form of our own commenters. But however we must stop her. We must not allow her to gain entrance to this site. Now, I’m going to give you THREE SIMPLE rules: First, trust NO one, whatever her username or avatar, unless he is known to you personally; Second, anyone or anything that approaches within 200 yards of the perimeter is to be FIRED UPON; Third, if in doubt, shoot first then ask questions later. I would sooner accept a few casualties through accidents rather losing the entire site and its personnel through carelessness. Any variation of these rules must come from me personally. Any variation on these rules must come from me personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that, in the two years it has been my privilege to be your commenter, I have always expected the best from you, and you have never given me anything less than that. Today, the blogosphere is counting on us. We’re not going to let them down. Good luck to you all.

  • myheadsexploding

    This just in. Roland Burris is a PUMA.

  • johnnypantalones

    [re=211110]The Frogurt Is Also Cursed[/re]: Christ I wish I could place this without consulting the Google. You have made me feel pop-culturally impotent, my friend, and that is not a feat that is easily accomplished.

  • Mr. Todd

    you people aren’t voting hard enough

  • busybusybusy

    Fuck the Confluence. Fuck Crooks and Liars. Fuck WSJ Law Blog. AND FUCK PUMAS. WONKETTE 4 LIFE

  • Sean O

    I’m with the editors on this, these people are sick freaks who aren’t worth Wonkette’s time. Our time is better served with pedo GOPers and Blago hair jokes.

    Plus, these fat weirdos stand no hope of reproducing, so it’ll die off once they see something shiny.

  • Keram2

    [re=211128]johnnypantalones[/re]: Full Metal Jacket. Done by the Mail Call guy.

  • The Frogurt Is Also Cursed


    I shoulda signed it Jack D. Ripper.

  • Keram2

    [re=211143]Keram2[/re]: Oh fuck. I meant Dr. Strangelove, done by Buck Turgidson. FUCK.

  • The Frogurt Is Also Cursed


    Untrue. But that is also a classic.

  • bago

    I thought it was tits or GTFO?

  • Bruno

    [re=210903]facehead[/re]: Can you seed their site with a Redtube-like idea as you did on Rebuild the Party, PLEEEZZEE…

  • Origami

    [re=211075]Tommmcatt[/re]: Heh. OK, maybe not all (or any) of them, most of the time. But there were at least a little bit funnier. Or at least some of their attempts lawls were readable because most of them had a basic grasp of how the interwebs worked.

    MY MAIN POINT was that the PUMAs are even less intentionally funny than the Paultards.

  • ALIVE!

    [re=210879]Dreadful Gate[/re]: All kinds of awesome.

  • OffTheRecord

    I swore I was going to let it go, but I cannot. These people make me so freaking angry. Like blood boiling, steam coming out of ears angry. Did it ever occur to them, for even one millisecond, that elevating someone to a very high office even if they are not the best person for the job (Hillary) or are mind numbingly unqualified (Sarah Palin), might do more to hurt women than to help them? Or are they really so fucking dumb to think anyone with a vagina is a win because of their lady-parts? I give up. I need a drink and perhaps drugs of some kind.

  • dollywould

    I just voted for Wonkette for my third time in the last two days – YOU’RE WELCOME.

    I also voted for Britney Spears out of pity, but Wil Wheaton fans are a rabid bunch.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya”

    riverdaughter, on January 6th, 2009 at 8:31 pm Said:

    nicedeb: Hail fellow! Well met. Don’t worry about the cheating. kevin assures me that it isn’t possible. They really *are* getting more votes than we are. They’re probably getting help from the cheeto. Not much we can do about it except keep trying- and voting from every computer you can get your hands on. That makes it 5 for me.

    See, people. The PUMAs have honor and dignity and stuff.

    They cheat FAIRLY!

  • Chesterfields

    “I’d like to thank Wonkette for boosting our blog stats today. Things got a little slow during the holidays and post election but we’re doing pretty good today for an itty bitty liberal blog. {{Snarf!}} Wonkette’s writers committed the cardinal sin of blogging. One *never* acknowledges one’s rivals. They have just realized that they have made this strategic error and are trying to call it back but it’s TOO LATE! We never considered Wonkette to be rivals so it’s fine and dandy for us to ride this baby for awhile.”

    Mommy, I’ve just been verbally gang banged by a sewing circle. *sad face*

  • wickedlittledoll

    PUMA. Is that like a cougar?

  • american mutt


    The PUMAs were against counting Michigan and Florida before they were for it.

  • TeddyS

    Everyone should remember that PUMA is AMUP spelled backward. It is a Navajo code talker term for “My brain fell out.” If the emphasis is on the second syllable, it means “I haven’t been laid in a thousand years.”

  • heroinmule

    I got sucked into that PUMA blog hole for 30 minutes, and not even the stickiest bag of Gainesville Green could pull me from this dark place. These Boomer bitches be cold! I think PUMA rage is about them being excited by ol’ Barry and wishing they had lived in a time when it was socially acceptable to nail a black dude. They’re jealous of all the interracial sex we young people have.

  • Wonks Adventure

    normally i’d say the PUMAs were bringing a knife to a gun fight by trying to out-funny, out-think, out-maneuver, out-whatever wonkette, but that’s not exactly right. it’s more like bringing a knife to a “yo momma’s so fat” contest. i mean, i suppose you *could* … but what’s the point?

  • badmuthagoose

    OffTheRecord: amen, amen, amen a MILLIONTRILLION TIMES.

  • wheelie

    This enraged PUMA rebellion is like the four year old who shot his babysitter with shotgun pellets for accidentally stepping on his foot, only not as funny or as pointed, as ripostes go.

  • PsycGirl

    That confluence blog reminded me of a fellow female college student years ago. I was working in a lab run by a man who treated the women and men the same, and she (who knew nothing of my work situation) SWORE I was somehow being discriminated against and didn’t know it. You mean blogging has allowed such people to congregate? Can’t they take on the freepers or something?
    Perhaps I should post for them the heartwarming tale in which a 3rd grade teacher surveyed the class about who was the prettiest girl in the class…I got one vote and was thrilled that someone voted for me.

  • Mad Farmer… of Science!

    Hi folks. I’ve dated chicks like these PUMAs, and let me tell you: if you give them attention, they just get crazier. They just want attention, and they are pathologically unable to tell the difference between good attention and bad attention. The only thing to do is hang up when they call. Let them think they won the flame war and let’s move on to what’s really important: alternately mocking/praising Barry and giving Republicans the Pedo Bear Seal of Approval. Also.

  • cal

    [re=211193]Chesterfields[/re]: {{Snarf!}} must be the sound of inhaling a whole bag of Oreos in one breath.

  • Barrett808

    [re=211156]Keram2[/re]: My friend, you’ve confused your insane generals.

  • Rodney Badger

    Hi everybody. That synthesis blog thing is starting to catch up. It is going to be awesome when Wonkette’s merry gaggle of gay drunk frat boy stoners make it so all PUMA blogs lose. Double radness if they all come in second. LOOK AT THE LIFE YOU LEAD!!!

  • Rodney Badger

    [re=211226]Mad Farmer… of Science![/re]: Call one of them at 3 in the morning when you are drunk and tell them you love them and will take them back if they apologize for threatening to kill you. Everything that happens after that is comedy gold, promise.

  • heroinmule

    Excuse me! I’m a libertarian ecofeminist stoner lady!

  • Mad Farmer… of Science!

    [re=211233]Rodney Badger[/re]: You complete me.

  • Servo

    Has everybody finally finished arguing with the teenager on the other post? Christ!

    R. Lee Ermey played a Gunnery Sergeant in Full Metal Jacket. He was really hired to provide military advice for the film.

  • ManchuCandidate

    As of 9:08pm after I voted.

    Wonk is head and shoulders above everyone else, but TPM is catching up to Effluence. Heh.

    Tildy blog is now second and closing fast on the PUMA blog

    Rumproast is way ahead in the lead.

  • Trace

    [re=211230]Rodney Badger[/re]: Yeah, but when they lose, the award automatically has no meaning. Or someone cheated. Or we.. played the race card and raped them. I don’t know. I just know I’m already this weary and queasy toward them, so I can’t imagine how much of a downer it’d have to be to actually think like they do all the time. Obviously using the word “think” loosely, but you get the idea.

  • Rodney Badger

    Wonkette should set up a series of PUMA blog weblog awards. It will be a competition among PUMA blogs only. It can include categories like “Most likely to be bloging exclusively about cats a year from now,” and “Most eerily similar to Stormfront.”

  • EjectGoose

    oh bollocks, I’m not a liberal but Wonkette has to win this. when it does, i’ll bring the mission accomplished banner.

  • XOMuffintop

    Since I have been in the war with the PUMA longer than most can I get some kind of Wonkette medal or a whore diamond? I never gor a whore diamond before.

  • The Frogurt Is Also Cursed


    +2 whore diamonds for you. Use one to drive the PUMAs from your sight, the other to feast in triumph.

  • lampadadog

    The PUMAs may not have an ethos but they do have a CREDO. In short, they believe in everything Obama stands for, except that the word Hussein is terrifying.

    They also refuse to allow anyone to post on their site for any reason, no matter how harmless a comment, no matter how pertinent to womyn’s issues, no matter how unrelated to Wonketteering. So maybe they do have an ethos: no dissenting opinion, however trivial or polite, will be tolerated!

  • wheelie

    Over 650 comments in the Puma Blubber thread. Wow! It’s like someone got sacked, except more bitter.

  • Rodney Badger

    [re=211252]Trace[/re]: Weary of the PUMA? Nonsense. I can’t decide if I love them or Ashley Todd more.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=211092]american mutt[/re]:
    You, too?! I thought I was the only one. Nothing makes reading a book of verse so enjoyable and meaningful as a plastic cup of shitty tap beer in hand and 120 decibels of random hip-hop.

    Alas, for some strange reason, all the drunk, bethong-ed maidens are more interested in having me feel them up than poetry. It’s so bewildering.

  • grevillea

    [re=211260]XOMuffintop[/re]: Aw honey, I’ll send you the genuine diamond ring I got in a Christmas cracker. But no pawning it off for meth!

  • wheelie

    [re=211270]wheelie[/re]: Sorry for broken link. I meant this:

  • The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

    ok, one more movie reference before I get too drunk to type:

    What is best in life?

    To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their PUMAs.

  • GuyOnTheWing

    Is that vote tabulation a time lapse?

    If so, PUMAs are really a fourth quarter team.

  • Servo

    Frankly, Seminole and you should’ve simply ignored Ms. Rachel Tension. She has an impenetrable teenage skull.
    Anybody get a tally of how many times she wrote ‘stupid’?

  • persiflage

    I say we buy them a round of Progesterone cocktails as a peace offering.

  • Barrett808

    Do we still disrupt the Libertarian paradise over at Rebuild the Party? I’m seeing a disturbing paucity of trucknutz comments over there.

  • RobPetrified

    Maybe I’m the only one, but when it comes to catty women, I like cougars better than pumas.

  • OzoneTom

    In the “Best Food” category the Serions Eats site isn’t doing too well against Cake Wrecks, but at least I was vote #666 in that direction…

  • shortsshortsshorts

    This happened by design. Your editors deceive you, and with grace.
    They should get the stupid blog award on that basis alone.

    This has been going on for 9 hours, and I spent time fucking with the bastards, but they were playing both sides. There. I said it. That’s what happened. Editor Win.
    If not, then these people surely are retarded.

  • trondant

    So the Library of Congress archived their wonderful site too, did they?

    I can’t stand trying to reason with people like them – you’d have a better shot at getting an orangutan to write a cogent thesis on Gravity’s Rainbow. If the orang did pull it off, though, I doubt it would argue that it’s just potty-mouthed scat-obsessed male adolescence with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

  • Canuckledragger

    [re=211254]Rodney Badger[/re]: “Wonkette should set up a series of PUMA blog weblog awards. It will be a competition among PUMA blogs only.”

    Oooh.Oooh.OOOOH! Cannonfire!

    Dude voted for Hopey in the primes and hasn’t been able to sleep [or think or write well] ever since. “Hopey ran the most foul, vicious, despicable, deplorable campaign in all of human history.” He and JJJr. are the most foul, etc., RACISTS of all time. Everyone who backed Hopey has Clinton Derangement Syndrome and the PUMAS will STILL prevail.

    Or some such shit. I can’t be bothered reading it. No matter how many times he gets a point wrong, or how many times one corrects that point, he pretends like he’s never been told otherwise and continues to spew the same tripe, ad nauseam, ad infinitum.

    WIN! Really….

  • Bruno

    [re=211289]Barrett808[/re]: Those bores at Rebuild the Party put in too many constraints and just started censoring ideas they don’t like. My personal fav was of course facehead’s Redtube idea.

    For some reason my Republican Gay Bootcamp idea persists. Give it a vote if you’re bored, I’ve kinda stopped caring

  • Mr Blifil

    Wonkette seems to have turned a corner. The Great White Whale was surely an epic moment. Highly enjoyable.

  • MisterLoki

    I think the PUMAs just need a new cause to rally behind. I suggest this:

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wow — I skip out for part of an evening and look what I missed. I’m reading some of the comments on Confluence and all I can think is that those PUMAs are Operation Chaos’ equivalent of the Japanese pilot who hid out in the Phillippine jungle for ten years thinking the war was still going on.
    Get used to it, ladies — politics is a series of disappointments made bearable by the occasional flicker of progress. I’ve been politically active since before most of you knew what a bicameral legislature is. And does that mean we’re any closer to my paradisiacal vision of an atheist vegetarian sex farm with government-subsidized Delta blues musicians playing nightly in every town at the weed bar? No. And am I bitter? No — just disappointed and slightly resigned. So get over it, it happens to everybody.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=211310]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Bicameral Legislature” sounds totally hot.

  • ifthethunderdontgetya”

    [re=211310]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

  • HuskyMescan

    Holy shiite, i went to Sullivan’s site to get some more trig conspiratorial action. But instead I see a horrifying picture of a decapitated child’s head for one of his posts “reality of war”. thanks sully for ruining my night.

  • facehead

    [re=211066]american mutt[/re]: inside sources tell me Jeff Goldblum is indeed hungry for a sandwich. Furthermore, though I am male, my feminine intuition confirms that Anne Maria Cox invented anal sex in the late 14th century.

  • BrandonMills

    The Paultards had ideas. Nobody said they were *good* ideas.

  • Darthhippy

    50.9% to 12% I think they will lose and become Wonkettes’ Secretary of State.

  • shortsshortsshorts


  • shortsshortsshorts

    Nothing like a good day at Wonkette. Fuck all of us.

  • Hominidx

    You are totally missing the opportunity to endorse that anti-Muslin blog, Woman Whore Thyself.

  • Rodney Badger

    [re=211303]Canuckledragger[/re]: That’s an awesome blog. I think it would be a strong contender in my “Most eerily similar to Stormfront” category.

  • Barrett808

    [re=211310]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Word.

  • Rodney Badger

    GUYS! ~ synthesis ~ is only 13 behind Uppity Woman! GO GO GO!!!!!!

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211331]Darthhippy[/re]: Cool. When can we start sending them to foreign embassies?

  • nrelement

    The PUMAs are headed for extinction, they are the last of a noxious breed. They actually are cheering Feinstein for wanting to seat Burris. All they care about is embarrassing Obama, that’s their reason for being. They don’t care about the country or women’s rights or whatever. They are upset that Obama beat Clinton and they are never going to get over it. They don’t offer any solutions nor discuss anything of relevance. They throw these “Confluencian” cocktail parties where they discuss whatever false outrage they can up with that day.

    It’s not a blog, it’s a sewing circle cesspool. This past summer three pro-Clinton blogs were so horrified by what was being published on the Confluence that they asked to be remove from their blogroll. Alegre said this:

    While possibly progressive at one point in time, the Confluence has turned down a path of delusion, hatred, and overt racism from which it cannot return.

    While the overwhelming majority of democrats recognized the victor in a hard fought primary battle, a small percentage, so wrapped up in identity politics and hysteria, could not let go of their candidate and accept reality. It was as if Hillary’s loss was one more failure in their life which they could not accept. Worse, an even smaller fraction of these people, perhaps out of narcissism and anger, decided to start a war against the nominee. That would almost be fair, but anger turned to hatred, and the point of no return was passed by.

    Never again can the opinion of the Confluence be taken with any credibility, nor can a smiple apology some how return their progressive credibility.

    Anglachel called them “rat-fuckers.” By The Fault simply said they were “vile and hateful.” Those were their allies over the Summer. And their support of Sarah Palin was beyond the pale. They are not liberals. They’re just obsessed Clinton lunatics.

  • trondant

    [re=211331]Darthhippy[/re]: FUCKING WIN!!!1!!

  • nrelement

    Yeah, here’s the liberalism of the Confluence

    bostonboomer, on January 6th, 2009 at 11:44 pm Said:

    I heard Ann Coulter on a local Boston rw radio show, and she almost sounded sane.

  • mothermaven

    Just in case they delete it…here is my cathartic post on the Puma site:
    “Here is the deal. I have worked for progressive feminist causes all my adult life. I defended clinics, Defended birthmothers against exploitation. i canvassed for Mondale-Ferraro and withstood verbal assaults standing up for feminism and liberalism. I read this site and I am ashamed of you ladies. This is not what I thought feminism would lead to. I used to look up to your generation of females, I used to defend you as trailblazers, but you are now just whiners. I worked for Ferraro, but If I knew back when I was 18 who Ferraro would turn into I would have been ashamed as I am now.

    Clinton lost because she didn’t run a good campaign and she was up against the best campaign run in modern history. She wasted money thinking she was a shoe-in. She couldn’t get enough progressives to forgive for her war vote and her unwillingness to admit she made a mistake.
    Wanna a tough loss? Try working for the Mondale campaign and living through Reagan-Bush. Grow some callouses and join a cause that is positive. You are doing squat for women on this site. You are just embarrassing us.
    Wonkette may be a bunch of profane drunkard political junkies but believe it or not they have far more humanity and wit than you all have in your whole collective. You suck oxygen out anywhere you are noticed. I could hardly look at you.

    Wonkette at least has fun at what it does and never takes itself seriously. They make me laugh and often. This site is only poison and ugliness. Get over yourselves and figure out how you can actually do something positive in the world. This isn’t it ladies. The world is passing you by because it refuses to revolve around you.

    You are not womanhood, you don’t represent me or feminism or any kind of progress for women if this site or any Puma site is your resume.

    Grow up and be real women. “

  • nrelement

    [re=211310]SayItWithWookies[/re]: brilliant comment. that’s them to a tee.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=211313]Mr Blifil[/re]: It turns out that most Bicameral Legislature are that way during college, and never want to do a threesome again once they settle down with you in their twenties.

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: Brava. Bravissima.

    And of course, it’ll be a “Cleanup On Aisle {insert post time here}” once some whiner realizes you don’t fit into their myopic world view.

  • nrelement

    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: Well said but I am afraid it’s beyond their comprehension. They are an embarrassment plain and simple.

  • ladymacbeth

    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: mmadam, i bow to you.

  • Rodney Badger

    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: You take them too seriously. Just point and laugh.

    My wife and I are both newly minted professionals. But she makes a lot more money than me. We were hanging out with family over the holidays and the topic came up somehow. An uncle asked if it bothered me. I literally did not understand what he was talking about. When I caught on, I thought he was joking. He wasn’t, but meh.

    My point is that all the hard work you crazy old bags put in back in the day paid off. I guess there is more to do, but the idea that women can make more money than their husband and be bosses is pretty much in my generations DNA. And these PUMA idiots are incapable off doing fuck all about it. Unintentionally or otherwise.

  • EjectGoose

    so, er, taking the PUMAs seriously might be as bat-feces-crazy as taking everything posted on Wonkette seriously. IRONY OF IRONIES.

  • Rodney Badger

    GUYS GUYS GUYS!!! ~ synthesis ~ pulled into the lead! HA HA!!!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    You’ve all been had, and that is, after acceptance, awesome and stuff, but,
    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: The mature male response:
    *fapfapfapfapfap* if divorced.
    Shhhh don’t tell my wife (if married) *fapfapfapfapfapfap*
    Single immature not yet lost lack of regular person balls? *fapfapfapfapfapfap* Amen. The end.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    AnyHOOOS, you’ve all been so beautifully had. That is why you should pray to Jeebus, you heathens. Perhaps you would understand the wonderfulness of what was happening in the magical kingdom of the earlier post thing.
    We must beat the Conluence people, out of pure force and destiny er something. USE YOUR HIGHEST MANA AND CHALLENGE THEM TO A REAL GAME OF MAGIC. Yes that will ween.

  • johnbpt

    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: Nothing to add…except I think I’m in love.

  • jagorev

    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: Brilliant. You make us Wonketteers sound like real human beings, almost. Very touching.

    Wanna bone?

  • Stupid Wonkette

    The Wonkette smells like whores and stupid people.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=211374]Stupid Wonkette[/re]: Oh hello. Shouldn’t you be tending to old naked woman who aren’t getting enough cyber or something? Jesus Stupid Wonkette, if you aren’t an editor of a PRESTIGIOUS magazine you should at least be striving for buttsecks.

  • robanybody

    No thankee.

  • Harvey Birdman


  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Jim Newell:

    Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Republicans got rid of TruckNutz? Hell no!

    And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough…

    … the tough get goin’! Who’s with me? Let’s go!

    What the fuck happened to the Wonkette I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? This could be the greatest blog of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst. “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Lionel, we might get in trouble.” Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this. Riverdaughter, he’s a dead man! angienc2, dead! myiq2xu…

  • dougbob

    geeze, i hate to digress from all the lovin’ goin’ on here, but…i gotta say….i just visited and really liked the site. anybody who puts old elvis costello videos on their site AND runs trashy sh*t about ann coulter is OKAY with me!

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=211374]Stupid Wonkette[/re]: Actually, that is stale scotch and whores. Glad you like it, as we got half of it from your mother.

  • Neilist

    [re=211380]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: “When the Nazis bombed Pearl Harbor?”

  • champagnehore

    Seems like there should be some sort of snark index, where intersecting ovals of PUMAs, Coulter verbal spoutings, and Tom Waits Christmas song videos could give us some sort of relative position on how to feel about any of these issues at any given time. Just saying…

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211383]Neilist[/re]: Forget it, he’s rolling.

  • Stupid Wonkette

    I’ve got a couple of minutes to kill. Why not tell me everything you know Wonkettes.

  • Steeevyo


    Funny. It’s the centerpiece of my political vision to finally launch
    The War On Delta Blues ©

  • pants of doom

    I liked my life better when I had never heard of PUMA’s or their shitty blogs, HORRIFIC videos, unfunny trolls. OMG, Barry won and now Wymyn hafta get back in the kitchen and get raped!

    Seriously, WT-flying-F.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=211388]Stupid Wonkette[/re]: Well, it started in August of 1961, when a young white girl faked a pregnancy in Honolulu, so that a black man born of a she-wolf in a mosque in Mecca could become the first secret Muslim president of the United States. But first he had to emasculate Hillary Clinton, who was obviously qualified to be the President because she supported a war of choice based upon lies and incompetence and because she stood by her husband when he shoved cigars up the vagina of an intern. He then went on to defeat a very old man by pointing out that the women he selected to be his Vice President was corrupt and blantantly unqualified to be anywhere near the White House, therefore condemning all women (or is that wymyn) in the United States to circumcisions.

    But surely you know all of this all ready if you are PUMA.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    Woah, anybody seen their latest post yet?

    What the hell does this even mean in any way, shape or form? A Wonkette tyranny of… having an opinion? Existing? Have we somehow been overthrown? Liberated from a dictator? ???

    New topic of discussion – which group rates most insane: Paultards, PUMA’s, Freepers, or 9-11 inside job conspiracy nuts?

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=211389]Steeevyo[/re]: Excellent. The blues are always better when The Man’s trying to keep it down.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=211393]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Sick, Slumping Trannies — what’s to explain?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    The disturbing part is that Wonkette is only up to 50%. As this pile of immature crap was hitting 57% yesterday at some point, we have to motivate the base. AND THAT MEANS ALL OF US FOR RON PAUL NOW. THIS IS NOT FOR HUMOR, BUT FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYBODY AND STUFF. THESE CAPS ARE SERIES BUZNIZ.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=211398]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: WE NEED A BLIMP!

  • Dkat

    I would just like to say I am not stupid wonkette … i don’t hide behind monikers

  • Worlds End

    [re=211400]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: SUPER BLIMP AWAY!!!!!!!!!

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211393]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: We’re going to need a Venn Diagram on this one; there’s too much overlap between Paultards and 9/11 Troofers.

    Freepers are “outliers”. PUMAs are mere wannabes.

  • lampadadog

    The puma myiq2xu has discovered, probably because her IQ is 2x yours, that:

    “We need to add “blingee” to the spam trigger words, it seems to be a wanktard term”

    Thankfully I had my depends on already when I saw that!

  • I_P

    [re=211393]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: New topic of discussion – which group rates most insane: Paultards, PUMA’s, Freepers, or 9-11 inside job conspiracy nuts?

    All of the above?

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211402]Dkat[/re]: Um, “Dkat” would be a moniker.

    I believe you’re referring to a “sock puppet”; ironically, “Dkat” would be a sock puppet for a screen name/moniker like, say, Dikinicat.

    Pop Quiz: You suck at a) The Internet, b) Basic English usage, c) All of the above.

  • Dkat

    freshecliches: I had to use Dkat because my spam filter for my public email hates this site for some reason. And I prefer nom de plume … only one I use. I don’t troll under alias monikers.

  • Dkat

    and it’s Dakini

    Pop Quiz: You suck at a) spelling b) All of the abvoe

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211403]Worlds End[/re]: The perfect PUMA dirigible! It even has cankles!

  • Dkat

    per wiki: Moniker” (or “monicker”) is a slang expression for “nickname”, “pseudonym”, or “cognomen”.

    nom de plum per wiki: A pen name, nom de plume, or literary double

    It’s not a nick name. It’s a pen name. There’s a subtle difference.

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211414]Dkat[/re]: And if you’d see my original response, the word “moniker” is of a different color; this would indicate what we on the Interwebs call a “link” or “hyperlink”. Go ahead – click on it.

    You see, not everything in the world is answered “per wiki”. When a dictionary definition refers to a moniker as an “alias”, your subtle difference is rendered irrelevant.

    As a PUMA, you should be used to this.

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211412]Dkat[/re]: “and it’s Dakini

    Pop Quiz: You suck at a) spelling b) All of the abvoe

    Yes, your intellect is so far abvoe mine.

  • Canuckledragger

    [re=211393]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]:

    Sweet baby Jeebus on a crossbow, there’s only a half dozen PUMAs posting, and half seem to be mods.

    They’ve degenerated to swapping recipes to keep the mundane thread alive.

    Fredster sez Afrocity’s creative use of nutmeg has him “curious.”

    That is all.


  • villageatrois

    [re=211419]Canuckledragger[/re]: “degenerated to swapping recipes” I haz a recipe for a FACIAL, but they doesn’t haz the ingredients to catalyze its awesome tumescence. What’s we gonna do?

  • bago

    shorts: I believe the quote is “God fuck you all” from the Hillary downfall video.

  • Bathroom Goblin

    That backwards B isnt going to cut itself with that attitude.

  • snowg00n

    i propose we catapult a flaming barrel of truck nutz at these crazies.

  • facehead

    [re=211383]Neilist[/re]: You are definitely being put on double secret probation for that reference.

    Triple even.

    [re=211422]Bathroom Goblin[/re]:
    This just in: some crazed wonketteer attacked an editor of Confluence and carved a “W” into her face (despite mirror symmetry, the “W” seems suspiciously backwards).

    [re=211398]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You are such a blimp pimp.

  • bago
  • ChuckWood

    I was out of the loop because I couldn’t even take political LAUGHS anymore, so I either forgot or never knew what a PUMA was. So I went to Urban Dictionary and found out!

    Pubaconda: A pube of monsterous (sic) longevity. “Paqui has a huge pubaconda bush.”
    Pubesfish: A land dwelling mammal which can spend limited times underwater in tropical conditions. Some times known as McConnelieux. Feeble vegan. “Lo, behold the Pubesfish!”
    Pud Knucker: A pud knucker is someone who never leaves their house. They bearly (sic) get any social interaction and the internet is their only friend. “Bob never goes out to party, he’s turning into a real pud knucker”.

    Based on context, I don’t really think I needed to get all the way to “PUMA” to figure this out.

  • facehead

    [re=211434]bago[/re]: I’m giving you a facehead certified no snark LOL (H) for that.

  • phillyjagoff

    Vote for The Pajama Pundit as best hidden gem. It’s only 20 or so votes behind Confluence-endorsed PUMA blog Deadenders. Oh, and I took a quick look at Pajama Pundit, and it’s not awful, so that’s a plus.

  • Colander

    I haven’t checked– can someone verify that synthesis isn’t another name for HitlerBlog?

  • MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    Well, guess what, Confluence, some blogs get 100,000 visitors a day, and some blogs are Confluence.

    Haha, burn!

    Rumproast and ~synthesis~ have both taken the lead, hooray!

    Also, it is never too cold or too warm for warring, Jim. Haven’t you learned anything from W.?

  • loquaciousmusic

    [re=211412]Dkat[/re]: The title of your blog sounds like a Tori Amos B-side, honey.

  • phillyjagoff

    Whoa, TPM has pulled ahead of confluence by one vote and bumped them down to 3rd. And Wesley Crusher is winning best celeb blog. Pajama Pundit still needs some help to pull ahead of deadender.

  • PsycGirl

    [re=211357]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I believe the term is “BUG”: Bicameral Until Graduation. And surely you were referring in another post to the first secret MUSLIN president?

    As for PUMAs: Freud has almost been completely relegated to purely historical significance! If you want to restore credibility to the concept of penis envy you need to act NOW!

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    [re=211448]loquaciousmusic[/re]: +2, an extra point for going the distance and skipping the Indigo Girls slam dunk.

  • Obamaton

    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: Well Said. What the heck are you doing here?

  • glamourdammerung

    [re=211392]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: You forgot to mention the Bosnian snipers.

  • phillyjagoff

    Pajama Pundit is now down by just 5 VOTES to gross PUMA blog Deadender for “Best Hidden Jem.” Please don’t forget the down ticket races! Oh, and Deadender has a “Palin 2012” thingy on their front page. They must be stopped!

  • Rodney Badger

    [re=211481]glamourdammerung[/re]: I am sort of surprised there are not more PUMA posting on Wonkette. And disappointed.

    Also, ~ synthesis ~ is now 300 votes ahead of Uppity Woman. Amazing. It was down a few hundred when this thing started.

  • Edywin

    I voted twice. Who is the president now?

  • Mad Farmer… of Science!

    [re=211354]mothermaven[/re]: Clap, clap. Very well spoken.

  • loquaciousmusic

    Guys, we really have to remain vigilant with our voting. I’ve received an anonymous tip that The Confluence votes are grossly underrepresented. Up until this morning, the ladies were all voting using a Speak ‘n’ Spell until one of their husbands lent them a laptop.


  • phillyjagoff

    Pajama Pundit is now TIED with smelly PUMA blog Deadender for “Best Hidden Gem!” Now we can deny the PUMAs any victory, which, actually, they may like because it seems that sore losing is the very reason for their existence. Whatever.

  • Schadenfried

    [re=210903]facehead[/re]: True, but if shortsshortsshorts tells them to eat dicks, it won’t have an effect on them.

  • Gerhalt11

    “Say what you will about the tenants of national socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.”

  • Tommy Says Soooo

    Thanks to Conflatulence, there are now 18 millions cracks in the blogosphere. Ironically, they are all directed at them for being losers, but there you go.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=211516]Schadenfried[/re]: That’s true. “eat Carpet” doesn’t seem to have the same effect either.

  • Mad Farmer… of Science!

    Just in case anyone still cares, “Looky, Daddy” deserves some votes for Best Parenting Blog. He’s funny and addresses important issues like “what if the crazies are right and Obama summons an army of zombies?” Very tongue-in-cheek, very fun for us parents.

  • Woodwards Friend

    Oh great now Ken, Jim, and Sarah will be leaving a bowling ally and like four PUMAS will be in the parking lot and Ken’s is torched. They’ll be all like “We want the money Layne.” And then he’ll be like “You lost the election man and there never was any money.” Eventually Sarah will throw a bowling ball at one of those unfuckable hedgehogs and Jim will have a heart attack.

    Newell was a good bowler, and a good man. He was…He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors, and bowling, and as a surfer explored the beaches of southern California from La Jolla to Pismo. He died — he died as so many of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom you took him, Lord. As you took so many birght flowering young men, at Khe San and Lan Doc AND HILL 364! These young men gave their lives. And Newell too. Newell…who…who loved bowling. And so, Theodore — James — Newell, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Goodnight, sweet prince.

  • facehead

    [re=211541]Woodwards Friend[/re]: Will you be my own personal magic negro?

  • phillyjagoff

    Alright, Pajama Pundit was briefly in the lead for “Best Hidden Gem” over filthy, rancid pro-Palin PUMA blog Deadenders, but now it’s tied again. Keep voting for Pajama Pundit, or Mitt Romney gets to be Prez and the Obama girls will have to attend public school.

  • The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

    I think I finally realized what’s bothering me about the PUMAs. Now that the convention (and election) is in the rearview mirror, Party Unity My Ass no longer holds any actual meaning. I would like to propose they update to reflect the current status and adopt the more apropos Country Unity, No Thanks!

    And where are my fucking nachos? I ordered those things like 12 hours ago!

  • Anonymous Office Zombie

    That same thought about overlap hit me when I was in bed right after posting. The great thing is that while at first I imagined you could only get a possible maximum overlap of 3 out of 4 groups. But then I realized that PUMAs are so nuts a complete 4 out of 4 group overlap was totally possible for them, given their aversion to anything resembling logic or consistency.

  • Woodwards Friend

    [re=211550]facehead[/re]: You had me at hello.

  • gimmeabreak1

    Fuck you, Frogurt. I’m still working on the pot pie.

  • sidkrofft

    i saw my grandma naked once. her boobs were like two oranges dropped into a pair of pantyhose.

    i don’t know if i like puma.

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211507]loquaciousmusic[/re]: They still won’t catch up. It’s my understanding that The Internet has a 2 week backlog in URL orders.

  • The Unfairman

    I’m too lazy to read all the comments to see if this is a repeat, but if we all do whatever Jim, Ken and Sarah…does that mean we really ARE sheep?

    Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I voted for those ones.

  • FreshCliches

    It’s been a while since I’ve developed an affinity for ass-based slabs of meat – hey, I was in college and I needed the money – but this short piece alone is why Rumproast gets my vote, my endorsement, and my TruckNutz.

    Why No Quarter Deserves To Win The Weblog Award For Best Political Coverage.

    Larry Johnson: Feeding Batshit to the Batshit Crazies since just after the Iowa caucus.

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211578]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Actually, I find PUMAs to be somewhat consistent – at least in their ability to not have a clue.

  • problemwithcaring

    [re=211495]Rodney Badger[/re]: On: being surprised disappointed that there are not more PUMA posting on Wonkette.

    For some, commenting on Wonkette may seem a little intimidating. And by some, I mean deranged, sexually maladjusted retards.

  • hobospacejungle

    I get it now. The Confluence refers to the mixing of anal leakage and vaginal discharge festering in their nether regions which they can only reach with a rag on a stick. It all makes sense now — the bitter, the mental, the stench.

  • Anonymous Office Zombie


  • freeradical

    The PUMAs are still twirling in their conflu comments (well, at least the 6 moderators posting). One thinks that Lionel Hutz, Esq was using death threats when quoting “Animal House”, and another is currently contemplating if Our Leader Ken really does live in the desert:

    “myiq2xu, on January 7th, 2009 at 11:57 am Said:
    Why would a Wonkette moderator be living in Sun Valley California?
    Wonkette is a DC based blog.”

    Their brilliance hurts my retinas.

  • The Church of Realism

    Here is my new recipe, please try it

    Take 1 cup of Bitter PUMA tears
    Mix with a 1 lb of yummy butter
    add a dash of retardation
    a pinch of insignificance
    A hint of racial hysteria

    and viola, Confluence!

  • The Frogurt Is Also Cursed

    [re=211742]The Church of Realism[/re]:

    Needs moar insignificance

  • N8Ma

    Their newest post attacks MotherMaven for her reasonable critique. She’s no longer a feminist. PUMA defines who’s a feminist and who isn’t. If you aren’t PUMA, you hate womyn.

    I’m sorry but PUMA are the same as Pol Pot in the 1990s. Except he once actually had power. They’re in some horrible jungle, they will never have any real power, nothing, absolutely nothing will happen in the 2012 Democratic primaries to derail Obama’s renomination, no Republican will successfully challenge him for reelection, and they will continue to make silly photoshops of Obambi and endlessly post Barry Manilow YouTube clips to somehow make some point about their POLITICAL OUTRAGE.

    Meanwhile Riverdaughter’s “highly gifted daughter” will end up hating her once she realizes her mother drove her father away. This will occur some time during Obama’s second term.

  • FreshCliches

    From The Effluence:

    “afrocity, on January 7th, 2009 at 11:00 am Said:

    The assault on Afrocity.

    [response from someone else edited out…then….]

    “Dear Afrocity:

    Anything you can do, we can do better.

    Be it drink, loathe, vote, annoy other blogs, play worthless online driving games for worthless online awards, what-EV-uh….we can do anything better than you.

    Yes we can.

    (I’ve heard that before.)

    Yours, etc.,
    The Wonketteers”

    Dear Afrocity:

    Let’s review, shall we?

    From the “Restoring Perky Tautness” Thread:

    “afrocity, on January 6th, 2009 at 2:13 pm Said:

    Wonkette just declared war on PUMAS.

    Someone should tell them not to bring their brain dead dull knives to an Annie Get Your Gun Fight!!!”

    So, in referencing “Annie Get Your Gun”, I respond with “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better”.

    If responding with a reference to a delightful, if dated, Broadway musical with a reference from the same show is taken as an “assault”, you’re either delusional or cognitively/culturally challenged. Which would that be?

    Me: kitten. You: ball of yarn. Proceed.

  • N8Ma

    Oh and Riverdaughter once tried to use the musical term “hemiola” in a blog post. When I, a professional musician, tried to correct her misusage, even that criticism was banned.

    Like a few others on here, my war with them has been going on for months. They are funnyz to the end!

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211731]freeradical[/re]: Yes, we’re dealing with some gems. Another example:

    “myiq2xu, on January 7th, 2009 at 11:54 am Said:

    Only a site moderator at a blog can see IP addresses.”

    Riiiiight. What this moron needs to realize is that anyone with a technical knowledge of the hypertext transfer protocol and a decent set of network tools can determine an IP address, be they lurker, commenter, author, or moderator.

    Once they get their head out of their collective keesters, maybe, just maybe, they’ll realize that one of the reasons that B. HUSSEIN OBAMA will be “44” is due to a cogent, thoughtful, and comprehensive use of networking technology.

    His/her IQ != 2x(rock).

  • HuskyMescan

    [re=211826]FreshCliches[/re]: myiq2xu has “issues.”
    It trolls Crooks and Liars and gets banned on a regular basis. It’s sad , really.

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211766]N8Ma[/re]: Here’s a sample comment from the thread you cite:

    “angienc2, on January 7th, 2009 at 1:19 pm Said:

    I do have to say it is true Hillary “wasted” money — she should have spent it on buying delegates like Obama did. Nonetheless, she still won — I will never accept the DNC decision to GIVE Obama delegates he did not earn plus 4 of Hillary’s for good measure.
    That “woman” who wrote that letter is a pathetic liar who is projecting unto us all the characteristics of wonkette: “[a] site [that] is only poison and ugliness.”
    Furthermore, no real feminist would use the word “ladies” anyway. I’m not going to explain why for the dumbass wonkettees.”

    You’re not going to explain, because you can’t explain. Welcome to the self-sealing fallacy, fool.

  • Schadenfried

    [re=211535]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Either way, keep doing God’s work.

  • Mista Eko

    Another “major” nominated PUMA blog this year in the category of “Best New Blog” is one called “Uppity Woman” (jesus christ)

    Whoa, they relaunched Jezebel?

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=211731]freeradical[/re]: Dear God, I’ve made their radar? Thank God I didn’t go with my cunning satire of Caddyshack or we would have a blood war on our hands.

    [re=211661]problemwithcaring[/re]: Why is anybody surprised that there are so few PUMAs? Outside of FOX News personnel and Ann Coulter, there are, what, four others?

  • N8Ma

    [re=211852]FreshCliches[/re]: WIN.

    We are all Scotsmen now.

    Mel Gibson is crying.

  • FreshCliches

    [re=211919]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Gimme time, but I’ll construct a gender-free, Hillary-supporting, non-misogynistic, “Whitey Tape” believing, Larry Sinclair respecting “Bark Like A Dog” reference that will be both my Magnum Opus of the interwebz, AND respectful of all myn and wymyn.

    Conversely, I could go with a lipstick-shaped dog dick joke.

    Whatever the market will bear.

  • mothermaven

    Geez! These LADIES have the nerve to judge my feminist credentials? Poof! I will call them women when they deserve the designation.

    I am not above being the patron saint of lost causes — my wet-dream is still Dennis Kucinich as president — with or without the space aliens…but I digress. Where was I? I have been known to take on lost causes, but I know better to think that I could ever get through to the PUMAS. If I can, for just a moment, have one lone PUMA think, “Crap! WTH am I doing here? What has become of Me? WTF! Who is in charge of changing the kitty litter around here?!?” My job was accomplished. Yeah, I am not holding my breath or anything.

    I am on their radar, but alas only one has mustered an anonymous, “Shame on You”. How ladylike.

  • FreshCliches

    [re=212529]mothermaven[/re]: You could retort with “No real feminist would cower under the cloak of anonymity, but the irony would be lost on them.

    And what a coincidence! My wet dream is still Mrs. Kucinich. Does that render me a misogynist?

  • pfft..nah

    Confluence put up the granny gangs bit from Monty Python as… something? Funny, that’s exactly what i picture the PUMAs as; horrible old ladies. These guys are either on some meta-type shit, or completely retarded.

  • Blue Gal

    I wish you would throw some of your wonderful charity towards Driftglass as best individual blogger. He’s currently running third behind a really insane Bush-loving Nun wannabee and a Texas dog blogger. He’s progressive and the best writer in the blogosphere except for you and me.

    This post makes me almost glad I’m losing to you by 300-1 in the best liberal blogger category. xo

  • shafeen

    My thanks to Jim and all the Wonkettes for putting my blog on the map! You are quite the community!

    shafeen (~synthesis~)

Previous articlePerson Who Answers To Wolf Blitzer Will Run America’s Doctors
Next articlePresident Bush Loves The (Underwater) Environment