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Things not to fuck with: Mexican RobotsFilthy cock jackal Eliot Spitzer has written another one of those columns for the online Slate magazine, and he’s already mastering the “Slate Style,” which is to take a widely accepted belief (e.g., “Dogs make good pets”) and write a cool 600 words arguing why its opposite is SECRETLY truer (“Why all dogs should die”). In this column he tackles Obama’s big infrastructure plan, saying that instead of funding immediate road repairs and stuff for short-term stimulus’ sake, we should invest in transforming the foundation of America’s infrastructure. It is a stupid article because, um, Obama’s plans do include all of that, which is kind of the point. This leads us to Spitzer’s ace-in-the-hole, which is of course the massive federal funding of Robot Construction.

Has he never seen a MOVIE, at all? The whole point of robots is to kill humans, idiot!

In education—just as much a part of our infrastructure as bridges and roads—here is a small investment that is one of my favorites: Provide funding for robotics teams at every school. If you ever want to see intellectual competition in the arena that matters today—technological wizardry—visit the robotics competitions that now exist in some schools. Make these competitions as universal as football. Make it cool to design the next cutting-edge video game or iPod.

!!!

Yes, the point of this program should be to make new video games and iPods, rather than your lame-o green hydrogen solar trolleys or whatever the fuck boring, job-producing thing that Al Gore is always crying about. It will be a true sign of the transformed, suddenly productive American economy when, in 10 years, we all have new generation consoles and music players on which to exhaust our last lines of credit.

So who wrote this article again, Christopher Hitchens or Jack Shafer or some such? Oh, right, Eliot Spitzer, so we better make a sex joke. Umm, he only wants to have sex with lady robots, har har har, bwah.

Robots, Not Roads [Slate]

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70 COMMENTS

  1. oh yes, the civilian national security force draft reeducation programs will be starting in exactly 2 weeks!!

    can’t wait [to watch the redstaters and nobamatards go insane with paranoia] !!!

  2. I think what Elliot is trying to get at is that he’d like to see the Government hopping on creating Westworld, where the comfortably well-off man gets to ride across the desert on a hovercraft for the express purpose of nailing slutty robot hookers whose eyes turn oddly opalescent at the moment of penetration.

    I mean it’s been nearly thirty years and we’re no closer to realizing Michael Crichton’s dream than we are to flying to work in jet packs. I’m with Spitzer. Obama needs to get on the fucking stick and make with the robot hookers.

  3. You haven’t truly mastered the Slate style until the title of your piece is a question that contains just the barest hint of the massive paradigm-HaXor’d job you are about to reveal to your conventional wisdom following readership.

  4. Make it cool to design the next cutting-edge video game or iPod.

    Earth to Spitzer: that iS cool, right now. You get 800 trillion dollars if you do that, and Jonathan Ive, the guy who actually did invent the iPod (or design it, anyway), is worshipped as some sort of higher-plane-dwelling-design-god by tons of people.

  5. Jim, Ken, Sara: Sweet mother of god, take a break. This crazy shit is coming over the wonkette-wire so fast, my head is exploding. Each morsel of newz is better than the last but, you know, I have to go take a pee once in a while.

  6. Oh god, three bonus Wonkette posts in a row, I believe it is the first hat trick of 2009. i was seriously starting to wonder if all stupidity would be left behind in 2008. So, thanks for this.

  7. I suspect this whole piece is just an elaborate plea from Spitzer to RockStar Games to make Grand Theft Auto 5 focus exclusively on whore-fucking. Enough with the stealing cars and shooting, already.

  8. [re=210127]Sassette[/re]: Wow, thanks for the tip on realdoll.com. $6,499.95 is a bit out of my price range, but, like a Ferrari or a house on the beach, it’s nice to know such things exist.

  9. The evil scientist Dr. Caronte plots to revive the brains of three dead scientists and use them to obtain the formula for the super-powerful neutron bomb. The resulting creation needs blood lots of blood, sending Caronte’s midget assistant Nick and his legion of mutant monsters out to get fresh victims. However, the masked atom-superman Neutron vows to put a stop to Caronte’s deeds.

    Damn. I gave away the plot for “Confluence.”

  10. I think Spitzer’s career is going the way of the Roughneck oil workers, their job descriptions seem apt for what he likes to do, just starting with Drill Baby Drill

  11. [re=210182]lumpenprole[/re]: Sexbots would have made high school much easier to deal with. Only if they were designed to make fun of old ladies.

  12. Could it be that Spitzer is so interested in robots because… Spitzer secretly is a robot???… from the future…. sent back to the past to get NoBama to get people to construct him in the past, so that …. wait, how do these time paradox things work again? Nevermind.

  13. I know! I keep designing all these cutting edge ipods and whatnot and the kids kick sand in my face. If only the popular kids could see me in action at the big robot festival. Then they’d worship me and they would see how football is for uncool dorks and they’d be asking ME how to build neato robots. If only.

  14. [re=210198]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Hold up. Check that photo in your pocket. If Back to the Future was true, half of your family has already been erased. Way to go, brainiac.

  15. Spitzer should be writing columns for Hustler instead. Write what you know, you “filthy cock jackal”

    At least he’s not f*ckin children like the Right thinkers.

  16. I have a friend who is an Actual Rocket Scientist, who coaches a Girl Scout robotics team on weekends. She’s beautiful, she’s tall, she doesn’t act smarter than teh rest of us, and she’s made the first cut for the astronaut program. So my friend who wants to marry an Indian girl wanted to meet her and wanted to meet her and wanted to meet her, and then he met her and now he just wants some fucked-up bitchy model girl again, one who’s stupid and mean to him.
    My point is, Spitzer’s right about the robotics teams in school, and men just want Whore Diamonds.

  17. [re=210190]Gorillionaire[/re]: Yes, and I for one am totes sick. Except I saw them on the last tour in NYC, so there’s that. R.I.P, Ron.

  18. …take a widely accepted belief (e.g., “sophisticated, well-bred, intelligent ladies make wonderful spouses and best friends”) and write a cool 600 words arguing why its opposite is SECRETLY truer (”Get me that slut with the high heels, big tits and and all the tattoos on the train down to DC tooo-nite”).

    I would think that such writing comes pretty naturally to Spitz.

  19. Wolf Ruvinskis?

    Who was complaining about the lack of Estonian-Americans in the Obama cabinet? There’s your chief death robot maker right there!

  20. Spitzer’s dumb ass should realize that tech is the least affected by the economy right now and the people that need jobs are those that never made it past 11th grade. Us nerds are just fine, thank you very fucking much.

  21. [re=210206]FreshCliches[/re]: Huckabee’s son killed a dog, but I was thinking of the time Mittens strapped an Irish Setter to the roof of his car and drove it around in the hot sun until the dog shat itself. So there are a number of Republicans who could write that piece.

    Dubya’s dog bucks the trend by trying to kill humans.

  22. Eliot: Did we axe for your opinion on anything, you scuzzball? You’re in enough trouble. Don’t disgrace yourself more by hanging around third grade science fairs and helping cute kids construct a fake volcano from used night lights and toilet paper rolls.

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