Eliot Spitzer DEMANDS That Obama Create Army Of Death Robots

  yes we can

Things not to fuck with: Mexican RobotsFilthy cock jackal Eliot Spitzer has written another one of those columns for the online Slate magazine, and he’s already mastering the “Slate Style,” which is to take a widely accepted belief (e.g., “Dogs make good pets”) and write a cool 600 words arguing why its opposite is SECRETLY truer (“Why all dogs should die”). In this column he tackles Obama’s big infrastructure plan, saying that instead of funding immediate road repairs and stuff for short-term stimulus’ sake, we should invest in transforming the foundation of America’s infrastructure. It is a stupid article because, um, Obama’s plans do include all of that, which is kind of the point. This leads us to Spitzer’s ace-in-the-hole, which is of course the massive federal funding of Robot Construction.

Has he never seen a MOVIE, at all? The whole point of robots is to kill humans, idiot!

In education—just as much a part of our infrastructure as bridges and roads—here is a small investment that is one of my favorites: Provide funding for robotics teams at every school. If you ever want to see intellectual competition in the arena that matters today—technological wizardry—visit the robotics competitions that now exist in some schools. Make these competitions as universal as football. Make it cool to design the next cutting-edge video game or iPod.

!!!

Yes, the point of this program should be to make new video games and iPods, rather than your lame-o green hydrogen solar trolleys or whatever the fuck boring, job-producing thing that Al Gore is always crying about. It will be a true sign of the transformed, suddenly productive American economy when, in 10 years, we all have new generation consoles and music players on which to exhaust our last lines of credit.

 
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So who wrote this article again, Christopher Hitchens or Jack Shafer or some such? Oh, right, Eliot Spitzer, so we better make a sex joke. Umm, he only wants to have sex with lady robots, har har har, bwah.

Robots, Not Roads [Slate]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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70 comments

  1. Serolf Divad

    He just wants some high-school kids to create a passable, big tittied fembot that won’t go blathering about how she’s secretly fucking the Governor.

  2. The Neoskeptic

    oh yes, the civilian national security force draft reeducation programs will be starting in exactly 2 weeks!!

    can’t wait [to watch the redstaters and nobamatards go insane with paranoia] !!!

  3. Mr Blifil

    I think what Elliot is trying to get at is that he’d like to see the Government hopping on creating Westworld, where the comfortably well-off man gets to ride across the desert on a hovercraft for the express purpose of nailing slutty robot hookers whose eyes turn oddly opalescent at the moment of penetration.

    I mean it’s been nearly thirty years and we’re no closer to realizing Michael Crichton’s dream than we are to flying to work in jet packs. I’m with Spitzer. Obama needs to get on the fucking stick and make with the robot hookers.

  4. NoWireHangers

    Without Obama’s backing, technology for the DiamondWhore 3000 will be set back DECADES!

  5. Dave J.

    You haven’t truly mastered the Slate style until the title of your piece is a question that contains just the barest hint of the massive paradigm-HaXor’d job you are about to reveal to your conventional wisdom following readership.

  6. quoth teh Raven

    [re=210111]Serolf Divad[/re]: This is the 21st century. We’re way behind on the sexbots and flying cars we were all promised.

  7. NoYou'

    Trashing The Chosen One’s infrastructure plan? That takes an awfully taut scrotum. Where are the PUMAs now???

  8. Tommy Says Soooo

    Wait til Spritzer gets an eyeful of Afrocity on Confluence….now there’s a Spike Lee movie waiting to happen.

  9. runcrash

    I say we program the robots to kill all humans. That way, when they malfunction, we’ll be safe.

  10. AngryBlakGuy

    …yeah, perfect solution Spitzer!!! Have a bunch of hormone crazed teenagers building and programming ED-209 units on their campus! This cant possibly go wrong!!!

  11. Dave J.

    Make it cool to design the next cutting-edge video game or iPod.

    Earth to Spitzer: that iS cool, right now. You get 800 trillion dollars if you do that, and Jonathan Ive, the guy who actually did invent the iPod (or design it, anyway), is worshipped as some sort of higher-plane-dwelling-design-god by tons of people.

  12. DustBowlBlues

    Jim, Ken, Sara: Sweet mother of god, take a break. This crazy shit is coming over the wonkette-wire so fast, my head is exploding. Each morsel of newz is better than the last but, you know, I have to go take a pee once in a while.

  13. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    Can’t we get some sort of court order to stop Eliot Spitzer from trolling high schools.

  14. FreshCliches

    [re=210127]Sassette[/re]: Hell, I didn’t. But now that I do, the phrase “nothing sticks to silicone flesh” is sooooo co-opted.

  15. sarahconnor

    Oh god, three bonus Wonkette posts in a row, I believe it is the first hat trick of 2009. i was seriously starting to wonder if all stupidity would be left behind in 2008. So, thanks for this.

  16. Dave J.

    I suspect this whole piece is just an elaborate plea from Spitzer to RockStar Games to make Grand Theft Auto 5 focus exclusively on whore-fucking. Enough with the stealing cars and shooting, already.

  17. wheelie

    I’ll pass on the Spitzer article but I’d sure like to read the Why All Dogs Should Die thing. Did Mitt Romney write it?

  18. SayItWithWookies

    I wouldn’t fuck with Mexican robots — hell, they’ll do things American robots are totally unwilling to do.

  19. V572625694

    [re=210127]Sassette[/re]: Wow, thanks for the tip on realdoll.com. $6,499.95 is a bit out of my price range, but, like a Ferrari or a house on the beach, it’s nice to know such things exist.

  20. TGY

    [re=210163]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: It’s more like dropping a quarter in a slot of a video game. Slot sluts, you know?

  21. Bruno

    If there is a ‘Slate Style’, what would the ‘Wonkette Style’ be? I’m sure it involves gay truck nutz or something.

  22. user-of-owls

    The evil scientist Dr. Caronte plots to revive the brains of three dead scientists and use them to obtain the formula for the super-powerful neutron bomb. The resulting creation needs blood lots of blood, sending Caronte’s midget assistant Nick and his legion of mutant monsters out to get fresh victims. However, the masked atom-superman Neutron vows to put a stop to Caronte’s deeds.

    Damn. I gave away the plot for “Confluence.”

  23. Serolf Divad

    You can’t seriously try to tell me that Spitzer didn’t know this column would spawn 1000 fembot jokes.

  24. Bruno

    I think Spitzer’s career is going the way of the Roughneck oil workers, their job descriptions seem apt for what he likes to do, just starting with Drill Baby Drill

  25. user-of-owls

    [re=210182]lumpenprole[/re]: Sexbots would have made high school much easier to deal with. Only if they were designed to make fun of old ladies.

  26. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Could it be that Spitzer is so interested in robots because… Spitzer secretly is a robot???… from the future…. sent back to the past to get NoBama to get people to construct him in the past, so that …. wait, how do these time paradox things work again? Nevermind.

  27. randomsausage

    Is the Spitz still with his MILF? She was hot in a foxy-upper-east-side-lady-who-lunches-and-wears-lacy-undies kind of way.

  28. Mustang

    I know! I keep designing all these cutting edge ipods and whatnot and the kids kick sand in my face. If only the popular kids could see me in action at the big robot festival. Then they’d worship me and they would see how football is for uncool dorks and they’d be asking ME how to build neato robots. If only.

  29. magic titty

    You think Silda lurks over his shoulder as he writes these, when you know he just wants to prattle on about pussy and socks.

  30. Dave J.

    [re=210198]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: Hold up. Check that photo in your pocket. If Back to the Future was true, half of your family has already been erased. Way to go, brainiac.

  31. HuskyMescan

    Spitzer should be writing columns for Hustler instead. Write what you know, you “filthy cock jackal”

    At least he’s not f*ckin children like the Right thinkers.

  32. commiegirl

    I have a friend who is an Actual Rocket Scientist, who coaches a Girl Scout robotics team on weekends. She’s beautiful, she’s tall, she doesn’t act smarter than teh rest of us, and she’s made the first cut for the astronaut program. So my friend who wants to marry an Indian girl wanted to meet her and wanted to meet her and wanted to meet her, and then he met her and now he just wants some fucked-up bitchy model girl again, one who’s stupid and mean to him.
    My point is, Spitzer’s right about the robotics teams in school, and men just want Whore Diamonds.

  33. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=210267]bitchincamaro[/re]: I just lost my hobo job because of you.
    DAMN YOU. THE PUMAS WILL FIND YOU.

  34. bitchincamaro

    [re=210190]Gorillionaire[/re]: Yes, and I for one am totes sick. Except I saw them on the last tour in NYC, so there’s that. R.I.P, Ron.

  35. WadISay

    …take a widely accepted belief (e.g., “sophisticated, well-bred, intelligent ladies make wonderful spouses and best friends”) and write a cool 600 words arguing why its opposite is SECRETLY truer (”Get me that slut with the high heels, big tits and and all the tattoos on the train down to DC tooo-nite”).

    I would think that such writing comes pretty naturally to Spitz.

  36. actor212

    Wolf Ruvinskis?

    Who was complaining about the lack of Estonian-Americans in the Obama cabinet? There’s your chief death robot maker right there!

  37. groove

    Spitzer’s dumb ass should realize that tech is the least affected by the economy right now and the people that need jobs are those that never made it past 11th grade. Us nerds are just fine, thank you very fucking much.

  38. bitchincamaro

    [re=210275]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I am in my penthouse hobo bunker; bring them on!!111

  39. qwerty42

    Matt Yglesias, always alert to the robot menace, takes this one. Is it too late to prevent the development of SkyNet?[re=210363]ManchuCandidate[/re]: well, at least i have my Old Glory insurance.

  40. wheelie

    [re=210206]FreshCliches[/re]: Huckabee’s son killed a dog, but I was thinking of the time Mittens strapped an Irish Setter to the roof of his car and drove it around in the hot sun until the dog shat itself. So there are a number of Republicans who could write that piece.

    Dubya’s dog bucks the trend by trying to kill humans.

  41. Mustang

    Filthy cock jackal! That is beautiful Is there some kind of automatic naughty insult generator machine at the Wonkette Towers?

  42. TeddyS

    Eliot: Did we axe for your opinion on anything, you scuzzball? You’re in enough trouble. Don’t disgrace yourself more by hanging around third grade science fairs and helping cute kids construct a fake volcano from used night lights and toilet paper rolls.

  43. assistant/atlas

    [re=210393]Mustang[/re]: Yes, it’s called “whiskey” and it is a wonderful, multipurpose invention.

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