SCANDAL!  2:28 pm January 5, 2009

Everyone On Twitter Is Gay

by Jim Newell

We have received a full 956 tips today about various clowns’ Twitter pages being hacked, including those of Barack Obama and Rick Sanchez, the King of Twitter. Someone thinks this official message from the Fox News about Bill “O Riley” indicates hacking, but what’s the excuse for “Turkey Taco Lettuce Wraps?” The more important question here is why anyone on this planet uses Twitter at all. (Except for Wonkette’s Twitter, which is just great.) [Towleroad]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 36 comments }

ManchuCandidate January 5, 2009 at 2:34 pm

What is shocking about that?

I’d be more shocked if the twitter said: “Bill O’Reilly joins US Army.”

Kev-O-Tron January 5, 2009 at 2:36 pm

God this Twitter thing needs to go away. Imagine the absurdity of this statement ten years ago:

I was at home Twittering by myself when I started thinking about Rick Sanchez and Googled him.

actor212 January 5, 2009 at 2:37 pm

[re=208932]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yea, really, this is kind of a dog bites man story…

The Neoskeptic January 5, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Alright, I’ll tweet it and we’ll tweet it live! Tweeting thing, TWEETS!

Serolf Divad January 5, 2009 at 2:40 pm

It’s true: when Bill O came to my apartment the other day to visit, he threw out half the stuff I owned, then we went to William Sonoma, Pottery Barn and the Brookstone and bought color coordinated replacements. Then he went through my wardrobe, declared it “hopeless” and he took me to American Eagle, Banana Republic and Eddie Bauer to shop for something “a little less 90′s grunge.”

Serolf Divad January 5, 2009 at 2:41 pm

Oh, and then he taught me how to prepare a “fabulous puttanesca” for when I bring my next date over.

NoWireHangers January 5, 2009 at 2:43 pm

Dick Bond sounds like a low grade penis glue advertised during Jeopardy!

glamourdammerung January 5, 2009 at 2:43 pm

[re=208932]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I did not think the Army would take you if you talked about having vibrators in your anus while sexually harassing your coworkers.

FMA January 5, 2009 at 2:44 pm

Kind of explains that whole falafel thing. I’ve always wondered what he planned to to with those things.

azw88 January 5, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Oh, I can NOT WAIT until Kieth O tonight!!

This will be interesting to see how he reports the breaking news…

whatever_dc January 5, 2009 at 2:45 pm

ok — as a gay man i’ve had to endure the indignity of prop. 8 in california (even though i live in dc but it’s still been sad to me!) which took rights AWAY from a group of people out of hate. and now this news that bill o’reilly is gay — i don’t care if it’s true or not, this is just a mean slander against teh gays and i want it to stop NOW!!! if it doesn’t i will commence with da bitchslapping that will end all bitchslapping!!! oh the humanity!!!

Chicken Smack January 5, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Which implies that Bill could very well be gay, yet no one will still f*ck him.

glamourdammerung January 5, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=208948]glamourdammerung[/re]: I think I just had an epiphany about why conservatives are so against gays in the military.

Servo January 5, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Well then, isn’t it Jeebus’ commandment to burn him at the stake?

Gorillionaire January 5, 2009 at 2:51 pm

His text book is gonna be “A Bold Fresh Piece of Man, Baby!”

shanemacgowan January 5, 2009 at 2:53 pm

Obviously untrue. A gay man would have much more creative Caribbean shower fantasies.

S.Luggo January 5, 2009 at 2:53 pm

He’s gay? I’ve always considered Bill to be just frolicksome and blithe, and a bit of a coquette.

Theodorick Of York January 5, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Since I hate Twitter and all things FOX I just scanned the link quickly.
I was unaware that Britney Spears is gay, and that Bill O’Riley’s vagina is
4 feet wide and stuffed full of Turkey Taco Lettuce Wraps.
That’s why I rely on Wonkette for hard news stories.
How else would I know that Ann Coulter licks his own taint and that Serolf
and Billo are “setting up shop” as it were.
Now, where can I go to get my dick bonded?

Canmon (the Inadequate) January 5, 2009 at 2:56 pm

[re=208948]glamourdammerung[/re]: Thank you for finding a way for me to believe both this and the falafel story.

Jollity January 5, 2009 at 2:56 pm

If Billy-O was really gay, he’d have insisted on a much more public trial for his sexual harassment thing, instead of giving the prosecution (a known Woman) plenty of money to piss off and not mention it again. Ironically, this would only serve to make him look more gay, but the closet cases never realise this one.

Anyway, as whatever_dc says, we don’t want him in the family. It’s quite bad enough sharing a species with him.

V572625694 January 5, 2009 at 3:06 pm

[re=208933]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Sounds dirty! Win! I’m all a-twitter!

Bruno January 5, 2009 at 3:07 pm

I’ve found that Twitter is most useful for updating people about a forthcoming Backwards-B attack.

WadISay January 5, 2009 at 3:09 pm

[re=208966]shanemacgowan[/re]: Actually, he’s a lesbian.

litdude January 5, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Why didn’t you mention the content of the Sanchez tweets? The dude said he was on crack; that might corroborate some of Wonkette’s earlier statements about his sanity.

rockstarjoe January 5, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Wonkette’s Twitter is actually pretty sad. Looks like an RSS feed to me. Step your game up people!

friendlynerd January 5, 2009 at 3:51 pm

I’m pretty sure Turkey Tacos are code for something. Perhaps O’Reilly’s anus.

bago January 5, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Dick Bond is leaving the company.

Word is bond motherfucker, and that word is Dick!

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 5, 2009 at 4:52 pm

Jim:

Obviously, Turkey Taco Lettuce Wraps are what Bill O likes to rub on his gay lover while in the shower.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 5, 2009 at 4:57 pm

What kind of country are we living in that I guy named Dick Bond wasn’t so humiliated in elementary school that he could never be anything but a janitor, or at best, a porn star.

Further proof that capitalism doesn’t work.

Lionel Hutz Esq. January 5, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Actually, could the gay movement survive an outed Bill O’Reilly?

Jollity January 5, 2009 at 5:32 pm

[re=209127]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: The gay movement has genuinely insane right-wing nut-bags already. Check out the Log Cabin Republicans and GayPatriot for more annoying details.

Kev-O-Tron January 5, 2009 at 6:22 pm

[re=208979]V572625694[/re]: Here’s another one.

So I’m at myspace and looking at my high school girlfriends Hawaii vacation pictures and just twittering away when I wonder what in the hell happened to old Jennifer. I’d been wanting to Google Jennifer for ages so I do and the results were huge!

facehead January 5, 2009 at 6:27 pm

[re=209127]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: They could not. They are currently working on a new category of being gay, “douchegay” , to take care of the problem.

V572625694 January 5, 2009 at 6:31 pm

[re=209198]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Retrolanguage. Excellent! “Retronyms” are words that didn’t used to be necessary, like “acoustic piano.”

rocktonsammy January 5, 2009 at 8:19 pm

So O’Reilly is the first gay asshole?

mylesfromnowhere January 5, 2009 at 10:34 pm

O’Reilly and Sean Hannity…a prick and an asshole…need I say more

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