Wonkette
Once upon a time there was an organization called the Republican National Committee, which was run by competent people like Ed Gillespie and Ken Mehlman. They helped win elections and stuff, until 2006, when Republicans suddenly stopped winning anything. Since then, a succession of nobodies at the RNC have helped make the party into the obscure Southern fringe group it is today. So which of six brave men will get to lead the party into further irrelevance in the future?
Here are the candidates:
- Current RNC chair and Jim Lehrer doppelganger Mike Duncan
- Ken Blackwell, perennial Ohio douchebag
- Michael Steele, John McCain’s version of Barack Obama
- Chip Saltsman, George Allen lookalike and distributor of wonderful Christmas songs
- Saul Anuzis, some guy
- Katon Dawson, some other guy
A consultant who has worked with the RNC says that “everybody is basically pissed” because the anti-tax people want one guy, and the social conservatives want another guy, and nobody wants Ken Blackwell, that loser. Six people are clamoring for the most thankless job in America short of changing David Vitter’s poopy diapers. (Mehlman already called that one.)
Anyway, all the candidates will square off at various forums this week, which should provide some clarity into the race, unless it doesn’t. Then Sarah Palin will commit a coup.
RNC chair race: ‘Everyone is … pissed’ [Politico]
Mr Blackwell? I thought he died?
Oh well, at least the RNC will dress better. So will Sarah Palin.
I assume these debates will be covered by Fox News. Must see TV indeed.
There is a typo in some guy #1’s name. It’s actually “Saul U Nazis”
…rock, paper, scissors?!
Pleeze, pleeze, pleeeeeze let it be Michael Steele. I want there to be a chance to actually throw Oreos at that dude, so he doesn’t get to live off that totally made up story about hecklers throwing Oreos at him, an event where not a single corroborative eyewitness account backs up his story.
Imagine every public event at which Steele appears featuring a ritual hail of Oreos from snot-nose protestors, incensed over the color of his skin or somesuch. Plus I like thinking of him being asked in every interview to defend “Barack the Magic Negro.” At some point he’ll have laughed it off so many times, all he’ll be able to do is hold his belly and fall to the floor writhing in the agony of his soul. That’s an interview I would watch.
The GOP needs to get on with it and just appoint the corpse of Ronald Reagan already.
I figure the various RNC factions can turn it into grand finale of 300 where they carry “swords”, dress up in Gladiator outfits and rub themselves up in olive oil and “stab” each other until someone wins.
Just another Friday night in Gooper land.
I sort of hope Sparkly Sarah does try something, because then more delightful stories like these will get national play instead of just in Anchorage.
http://www.adn.com/front/story/641997.html
Can’t Caribou Barbie just pick somebody from her high school yearbook to do the job and be done with it?
All right, Chip Saltsman is the made up name. Now what do I win?
As for the RNC chair, I always go with the closeted homosexual, especially if he has some sort of kinky fetish.
Kev-O-Tron: Agreed. I actually read a piece by Saul Anuzis that was surprisingly well thought out, so I’m sure the R’s will never give him a chance. I am supporting his candidacy, but only because I’m encouraged by the thought of spell-checking software all across the country “correcting” the spelling of his name to either “Anus” or “Nazi.”
Lionel Hutz Esq.: So you’re saying they should bring back Mehlman?
If Anuzis or Dawson want to distinguish themselves a bit, may I suggest wearing hoods, carrying burning crosses and bellowing “Me displeased with Democrat ascendency! Me crush!”.
O/T, but did anyone ever find out who was occupying Blair House, so the Obamas could not presumptuously move in and send their uppity kids to elitist Friends School?
Come now, Chip already handed out a racist song and pissed the liberals off, so unless someone comes out with the N-Bomb remix of Barack the Magic Negro and pisses even more liberals off, this RNC thing is in the bag. Competency or plans for the future will never enter into it.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
Let them play Russian roulette for the post.
Sarah Palin wouldn’t even know how to pronounce “coup.”
Mr Blifil: …and don’t forget the chants of “Negro”, since he is apparently the only “black-man”(and I use that term loosely) who doesn’t find it insulting!
Which one is a Magic White Guy?
Off topic, but does anyone else have the urge to send 2 dozen Obama cookies to all the most rabid Republicans you know? The “Lil Blago” cookies are very nice, too, but not sure who the appropriate recipient of those would be. So, good ad, but I know some Wonketteers will never get over the loss of Slim Slacks Girl.
If Steele or Blackwell get it, there will only be one other black person in the Republican party. At least this way, they have 2 token black folk!
Wait there is a job opening? Shouldn’t like 534 million people a week (or whatever the unemployment numbers mean, maybe 7.5% people per week??) be applying for this? Like, who is not totally qualified to lead this organisation—can it be any harder than running a Big Three automaker in to the ground?
Texan Bulldoggette:
Alan Keyes would like to remind you that he is a Repub. He might not be relevant, but he exists.
Kev-O-Tron: I thought they just nominated him to run for President, didn’t they? Well, some corpse, anyway.
Kev-O-Tron: Methinks that even St. Ronnie isn’t rabid, unstable or stupid enough to run or want to run the RNC, dead or alive (Ronnie, not the RNC).
run by competent, known homosexuals like Ed Gillespie and Ken Mehlman.
there, i fixed that for you.
tiny mexican: Or, if it wasn’t for the Republicans’ hatred of the press, go with Jeff Gannon.
ManchuCandidate: Oh yes, good old Alan. He is so easily forgettable. Sorry, Alan!
I vote for Saltman because he’s the perfect Quagmire:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-chalupa/chip-saltsman-as-glenn-qu_b_153883.html
I lol’d:
>>PERUVIANMAN: Jan. 4, 2009 - 6:19 PM EST
>>as a black conservative myself
LOL
Lionel Hutz Esq.: As for the RNC chair, I always go with the closeted homosexual, especially if he has some sort of kinky fetish.
OK, so that narrows it down to … crap!
Still a six-way tie!
God, I would rather spend three days driving across the icy high desert in a car full of dog farts than lead the RNC. Oh wait, I’m already doing that.
Ha, the dude on CNN just said there might be a “back door deal.” Oh yes, I bet there will.
It’s just like the Highlander movie, but more closet gay.
ManchuCandidate: I thought of Keyes, too. But then I remembered, isn’t he “Constitution” Party, or “Freedom” Party or “Crazy Self Loathing Talk Radio Hosts” Party or something?
“Anuzis” sounds like prescription topical cream to treat hemorrhoids…
AngryBlakGuy: Oh Steele is black through and through. Hence his reaction to the painful term “Oreo,” even when nobody calls him that outright, they just pelt him with imaginary cookies as part of a story he completely made up. I’d go so far as to surmise that he inwardly considers himself a target of “lynching.”
The former Jets coach, Eric Mangini might be a good choice. He used to pandering to the wish fulfillment of aging, southern good old boys who refuse to admit that it’s not the 1990’s anymore and need to move on with their lives.
Guppy06:
I DO TOO!
I have two Chicken Coups in my yard. (Facing Russia, also.)
-SP
Kev-O-Tron: Um, the corpse of Reagan is kind of busy campaigning for Mitt Romney. This isn’t a fantasy world where the corpses of past Presidents can be everywhere at the same time!
Min: A reverse version of Musical Chairs should decide that winner. Five chairs, six contestants.
http://www.beekmanhistory.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/img656.jpg.w300h379.jpg
How about a Stroke-Off?
Carson: Don’t you mean “Magic Cracker”?
Also: teh win on the pic for this post. I bet those are Ral Partha.
rev_matt_y: “Magic Cracker” is offensive. Whereas “Magic Caucasian” is family friendly and has the advantage of being innately hilarious. Because, as we all know, all Republicans want to do is spread “the comedy” as Ricky Gervais character from The Office would say…
Servo:
That would be best since it’s also the job description.
So fascinating. These men are heroically embroiled over the leadership of the Republican party, the loser having to take it.
What, Joe the Plumber isn’t in the running? I thought his common-folk wisdom would be the salvation of the GOP. Too butch, maybe?
Mr Blifil: I’m confused. Are we throwing shoes or cookies at people now? How about a pair of those Doc Marten’s faux work boots, filled with Oreos?
A weenie-eating contest! That’ll take months, though.
Saltsman! Oh please! Oh please!
Gorillionaire: Wouldn’t she have had to graduate from high school to do that?
Dear DNRC:
I’m not a Republican, but, if I may, it seems the GOP would want to consider the following qualifications:
1. Secretly would rather have sex with children than anyone else.
2. Is fakey religious (fakey Christian, of course)
3. Is really really homely and looks to be carved from a wax blob.
4. Hates minorities of all kinds and doesn’t even know how to pretend otherwise.
5. Is greedy for money and power.
6. Has no interest in actually doing jack shit for the United States.
Respectfully Submitted,
Mustang
Maybe Newt ‘Lizard’ Gingrich could find some free hours after his part time job at the FOX ‘news’ channel to build the party up again.
I do miss that whiny voice and smug smile so much.
Michael Steele sounds
good to me. Anyone who
has surfed his/her favorite
porn sites and downloaded
photos of some she-spib
giving a hummer to a
smirking cracker wearing
nothing but a confederate
flag t-shirt knows that
damn splibs have no notion
of DIGNITY — SO WHY
shouldn’t this he-bitch get
bent over for the GOPers ?
After Clarence Thomas
denounced his own sister
for once having received
welfare, who in the hell
believes that notion of
HONOR has any part in
a fucking splib’s makeup.
Carson: Magic White Guy. racist. That’s Magic Caucasian Guy to you.
Doglessliberal: I suspect many Republicans secretly desire eating Obama (cookies), but only if he were 15.
Give each of the five candidates loaded weapons and let them shoot it out. Last one standing gets to be the new grand wizard of the Republican National Committee.
Bruno: Too true. And they will be perpetually miffed that they never got the chance to “bring him along” as it were.
I think the RNC needs a born diplomat who can resolve internal differences, encourage dialogue and reinvigorate the party by example; I suggest Ann Coulter.
award it to whichever one has given sexytime to the most passed out drunken college boys.
Michelle Malkin.