Wonkette
OBAMA RESTORES AMERICA’S PROSPERITY: “If you had $100,000 in a basic fund that tracked the Standard & Poor’s benchmark index, you would be up $23,800 today, just six weeks later. That’s probably enough to buy your neighbor’s foreclosed house from the mortgage company!” [AOL Political Machine]
If Capitalism is too rough for you, however, I’ve heard about an island just 90 miles off the coast of Florida that is always looking for new communists to be enslaved by Fidel Castro.
Enslaved? Since when is there enslavement in a worker’s paradise?
BillyClubb:
Good food, health care, and lots of dancing down there, too. After 2008, that sounds pretty good.
Big Sale on Truck Ba’alz & Anat!
“. . .Don’t you get a little tired of trying to fit in with the latest trend all the time? This week Obama, next week you’ll be gay, the week after a vegetarian, etc. At least Sarah Palin has a little class as opposed to a second rate crybaby with a shitty attitude. . .”
I didn’t know that voting for Obama precluded me from liking both meat and girls. I wish I had known that two months ago.
Mazel tov, Kenny boy, mazel tov. That made me twitch.
Can someone recommend a fund that gives exceptional returns on hobo beans? I’d like to invest 20 cans and have 22 by the end of the month. I don’t care if its a Ponzi, as long as I get my 22 cans at the end of the month
Bruno: Have you tried Ponzi Beans? They are delicious if you have a little vinegar to spolsh into the pot over the campfire.
shanemacgowan: the response to it was perfect:
“Yes, Mrs. Palin has so much class, her teenage daughter got knocked up by the son of a hillbilly heroin dealer.”
Haha.
Also, I thought that this is the age when a “political machine” is a water-proof (bathroom friendly) vibrating dildo. Maybe that’s a “political toy”.
Twenty Three Eight doesn’t get you much these days.
Rush Limbaugh, who blamed the crash of the markets on the fear of an Obama Presidency, has got to be doing some real soul-searching about now. However, my payday from the little Nigerian deal I’ve got going is going to make this look like chump change.
BillyClubb:
“And 90 miles away is a co-operative government that understands business”
Wheres the mafia during all this?
Pussies!
“‘5th Tier’ jornalism. . .since Nov. 4th. . . to a second-rate crybaby.”
And don’t you EVEN get me started about third-hand smoke!
WadISay: Limbaugh? Soul Search?
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
~
A new superstition is born! Throwing your shoe at a political figure will bring good luck in the new year.
Servo: This theory must be tested.
A LOT.
Ken Layne, closet Boglehead?
Jeez, you see some fabulous comments on that site:
THE DEMS ARE THE ONES TO BE FAULTED FOR THE HIGH GAS PRICES WHICH TRIGGERED THE BAD ECONOMY WE ARE IN. THEY ARE THE ONES WHO MADE MORTGAGE LOANS TO THOSE WHO COULD NOT MAKE THEIR MONTHLY PAYMENTS AND TRIGGERED FORCLOSURES BY THE THOUSANDS.
I’m pretty sure my mortgage broker and the banker he shilled my loan to are both Republicans
“This is mild for Layne. His hate goes far beyond what you see in this article.”
Show us some of that hate, Ken.
That Crystal7 is so cute. It thinks it’s being sarcastic.
The comments over there are amazing. Ken, if you can stir up reactions like that, you da ma.
I’ve never heard of the term “Turnpike Fatty” used and I even checked that porn terms directory someone posted the other day (to go with Cleveland Steamer). Ideas?
V572625694: Uhh, that comment was actually me. Sorry to confuse you.
V572625694: No, my mistake it wasn’t me. But mine was something along those lines too.
“I just hope Bush keeps bringing down gas prices so much. I don’t know what I would did if them prices keep going up like Nobama wanted them too.
can Bush still pass some laws to make gas cheapest for us & then we wont have to worry when demofarts taken over. plus this will save Ford!”
hahahahahahaha, oh silly, you think the president makes laws….that’s so cute…
CivicHoliday: Now that’s the one I did. Billybobgraham
Bruno: WELL YOU FOOLED ME!!!1! HAHAHA!
CivicHoliday: Well, Chimpy does think he makes the laws, doesn’t he?
I always enjoy your outrage, Ken. And the”economic chaos theory” is the reason I keep coming back to the ole Wonk!
Wow, those comments are just priceless. AOL is the true America!
AOL is the Real America™ part of the internet.
LOL - “Obama Saves Economy with Jedi Mind Power”
The inbreeding among the white “master race” has really taken a toll. When they look as bad on the outside as they do on the inside we will know their gene pool has reached a critical point of dilution from which they will not be able to bounce back. Beat genetic biology you Repukelican fucks!
I’ll be doing my part for the mutts of the Democratic Party by sleeping with every muchacha, jungle mama, red boned sister, and the lovely honeys descended from the original owners of this land. We will crush the trailer scum under millions of beautiful mixed race babies. On your marks, get set… Procreate! (Don’t worry, Asian girls. There’s plenty to go around.)
Purple Kush, bitchez.
I read the comments and want to comment, but I can only keep on bumper sticker in my mind at one time
2druk2phluq: I have to have mixed babies?
DANG! I’m just sitting here thinkin’ about all the ammo, beer and porn that $23,800 could’ve bought… Coulda got a new single-wide with the change too!
2druk2phluq: This is actually the Strategy to Save America, devised by the female half of my local hobo caravan. We even have a theme song: “MUL-ti-CUL-tural BAY-beeeeeees!”
2druk2phluq:
I’ve been imagining that for a long time. I’ve seen quite a few of these multi-racial kids; beautiful and super-intelligent. They truly are humanity’s only hope.
Servo: lovekills: 2druk2phluq: “Mixed race” children may save the world.
But having seen the re-make of “The Day The Earth Stool Still,” my personal opinion is that Will Smith’s obnoxious little actor brat spawn is one more reason to destroy it.
Immediately.
I have a rule that applies to commenting at AOL. Never Go Full Retard.
Thank God I invested all my money in little bottles of Vodka. Once again, the conservative, vodka-heavy portfolio pays off for the drunken investor.
And if you had invested that same $100,000 on January 1, 2008 you would have had $61,500 on December 31, 2008. The missing $38,500 would have gone to bail out Goldman Sachs and made up five percent of the bonus for the analyst who advised keeping your money in the S&P. Since he would be considered one step above living in the gutter by Wall Street standards your money was well spent.
chascates: Strange to think that Ken Layne has a fan club (of sorts) consisting of right wing numbnuts who like to froth at the mouth while rolling on the floor after reading his AOL column.
biged 6:05PMJan 3rd 2009
Barack Obama Saved America’s Economy!Now thats hogwash……….
Emphatic ellipses! What does that sound like? Drool?
lovekills: 2druk2phluq:
How do the fundies react to these mixed race twins born this week? Can you have ‘black blood’ but still look white or are you still black? Is this the ultimate magic negro?
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/01/02/earlyshow/main4695907.shtml
It is so obviously a sign from God beacuse signs from God come in THREES. There was that Mulatto couple that gave birth two Salt & Peppa babies, then the same mixed couple above has given birth to mixed babies TWICE. That’s 3! And, the number of babies equals 6 - that’s a number of the devil! It’s all in THE BOOK OF REVILATIONS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!1!
But what color is Bristol’s Baby? I want DNA tests
donner_froh: Do you think he could be a double-agent?
In other news, famous drunken Hilltard Terry McAuliffe has announced he is running for Governor of Virginia. Hilarity to ensue.
“a biannual journal of economic chaos theory.”
– SO THAT’S WHAT THE KIDS ARE CALLING IT NOWADAYS!!
Ken: Call me next week, when you’re gay.
Ken, I fear all your AOL comments are fake, Wonketteers dropping by and posting imitation, all-cap, logic-deprived wingnut screeds. You have to do something to get the real ones back.
I recommend a glowing, heartfelt, mom-guns-and-apple-pie defense of Sarah Palin getting her daughter’s baby-daddy that apprenticeship without meeting the high-school diploma requirement.
Can you mask the deep-seated bitterness with lifetime-movie-style maudlin? Come on, Ken, you can do it. For the children.
AOL is still around. Who would have thought?
kudzu: It is if your computer has a 3.5 inch floppy and a dialup modem
HuddledMass: I take responsibility for maybe 3 of those comments and many of them are in HuskyMescan’s “Full Retard” mode
Bruno: LOL! Oh man, you made me spit out my espresso, but it felt so good.
On the sunny predictions of AOL, I want to invest in the economy again. Is classy Sarah Palin’s fellow classy granny, the mother of the classy boy that knocked up Sarah’s classy daughter Bristol who gave birth to the already classy Tripp.. dang, the explantion ruins the question.
Anyhow, there are some classy meth customers in Wasilla who are struggling without their dealer, and that’s a good business opportunity. $100,000 invested now will quadruple in value. Then you can get the hell out of Alaska and retire to the sunshine in Cuba.
OT, Bill Richardson has withdrawn his name for Commerce Secretary because of “a pending investigation into a company that has done business with his state.” This statement is strangely, uh, elliptical. Suppose he was boinking some marketing chick for a company that New Mexico fed a lot of business to?
I posted as Knute Z. Trux, but it never appeared. It was a comment about Ken’s genius investment chops and those of his partner, Dirk Ponzi. I guess my satire was too razor-edge lethal to appear on the interwebz. I accept that judgment, with some sadness and no small measure of pride. It’s probably true the posts are all fake: HITLER WAS A COMMUNITY ORGANIZER has that unmistakable Wironic flair, as does the one about gay Obama designing cars, and there are others that are just too brain-dead to be from real unlobotomized humans (I’m looking at you, Jediknight69, with your ‘are contry is doomed… and your taxxes are going to be gone’ screed–pure genius!).
Wonketteers don’t need no stinkin sleep!
We get to keep Richardson, “the big fella”, here in NM now. The state Rethugs will shit themselves over this.
This will be fun.
V572625694: “I’m pretty sure my mortgage broker and the banker he shilled my loan to are both Republicans.”
That, and I doubt that the poor folk the Democrats awarded with MacMansions are the ones bundled the loans then sliced them up and sold them to evil capitalists who secured our future by taking out insurance policies guaranteed by bizarrely optimistic “mathematical” formulae. Also, not so many luxury spa vacations for the hobos having their home foreclosed on.
Everything that ever goes wrong anywhere in the world at any time for any reason will, in the Republican mind, always be Bill Clinton’s fault. Never mind those assholes had the congress, White House and Court for 6 years and the WH and court for the last two. It’s all Bill Clinton’s fault–oh, and FDR’s, too.
And those energy company executives whom Evil Dick secretly met with eight years ago? Democrats.
Poverty = godlessness. If we’ve learned anything in the last 8 years, it is precisely this. Thank you for fleshing out the equation, Ken.
Oh, and Richardson is out? Since there shall be NO commerce in the foreseeable future, this is fitting. However, the search is now full-on to find a suitable Beaner to fill this now vacant slot.
Buena suerte.
OT–But to get myself some sympathy, I want you people to know that I still have Bell’s Palsy. I considered for a split second asking the wonkterrati to start a prayer tree for me then came to half paralyzed senses and realized that I do not want the Lord to know I keep company with this bunch of obscenity-spewing losers.
One happy note is that I had a nukular headache, as our former president (wait–are you tellin’ me he’s still in office? WTF–I thought the WH had gone into escrow) would say and demanded medicinal relief from the doctor’s magic prescription pad.
Now I still look like a freak, but I have a half smile on my face and unicorn visions every time Hopey comes on the teevee.
My only problem is that I just finished the last Twinkie in the box. Is it asking too much for someone to airlift some snack cakes my way?
robanybody:
JediNight69. I couldn’t resist.
Always liked Bill Richardson. I even wanted to vote for him prior to his Meet the Press disaster. I hope that this stuff does not touch him.
HuskyMescan: Knew it; that comment reeked of Wonkette. You East Austinites and your pesky impulse-control problem. Must be a bitch. (In the 80s I lived near 29th and Gwad-Loop, among other prime locations, such as right beneath the airport runway–used to wave at the pilots as their planes shook the shingles off my apartment. These days I have to turn the iPod WAY up to even hear Celine and Barry M.).
As with roaches and Bladder-Control Disorder, we are omnipresent.
Bruno: Magic Negro? Isn’t that the basketball player with HIV?
So Mr. Sanchez of reason fame wrote about rebuildtheparty.org without a single mention of a certain Big $ale on Arstechnica. I think any with an arstechnica account should inform him of the joys of trucknutz and crystal pepsi.
V572625694: The thought of Bill Richardson boinking anyone is far too horrifying to consider - so, no, absolutely not.
DustBowlBlues: I read a study a couple of years ago that showed that medical patients who were prayed for had a higher chance of dying than those who were not. While it might not mean anything, why take the chance? Having said that, I do wish you a speedy recovery. You’re not getting my Twinkies, though.
robanybody: Ah yes, the Mueller flightpath rocked my world too. Now, in suburbia, its hit and run on my laptop on a 3rd shot of espresso (partially explains the impulse).
bago: The nutz will be mentioned. indeed.
V572625694: Man, I was a Richardson supporter back before I caught the Hopey virus. This sounds like another John Edwards fiasco. Why do these blowhards think that their “foibles” will never come out, when they are running for national office?
Argh. The end.
cal: Nah, I don’t think Richardson is guilty of anything. O-man is running this game real tight. No fuck ups, that His rule. But who knows, maybe we’ll get the beard back?
HuskyMescan: I dunno. FBI investigations are never very encouraging.
This just in! Dennis Kucinich has withdrawn his candidacy for Secretary of Fairyland after his campaign became embroiled in a pot o’ gold for pixie dust scandal. When reached for comment, Congressman Kucinich’s spokesman, Tom Thumb, said: “Hickory dickory dock, Patrick Fitzgerald is a giant cock.”
Gas went up 15 cents a gallon while Obama was shooting hoops in his exotic foreign birthplace. I hope that the return of his stern glare of disapproval will correct this.
DustBowlBlues: Perhaps you can get him got glare at your Bell’s Palsy as well, although I doubt he could do it with a straight face. I’ve seen that shit before. It’s SUPER funny. When it happens to other people, of course.
Purple Tide: Damn, I was just about to ask him to launder my lucky charms.
DustBowlBlues: Hope you’ll be OK, I think a good snark will improve your day more than a thousand prayers. Think of it as our best wishes to you.
If they are tapping Blaggo’s phones in IL, they are fer sure tapping Gov. Fat Mess in NM. The feds have begun taking a dim view of “pay to play” arrangements at the state level and are getting pretty aggressive. I’ve lived/worked in NM and while Bill isn’t the worst of the 50 (or in state history) there’s just…something. A little too much hooch now and then, a few too many women who aren’t his wife. That’s an expensive lifestyle. He may be lily white (or may be hit with something else). Everyone who wanted him on the ticket as VP need to be counting their blessings today.
Also, the NYT has taken a poke at the Obama “vetting process”, saying Hopey’s team may have asked too few questions in trying to get this all wrapped up in December. My suggestion for Commerce? Mike Bloomberg or Caroline Kennedy.
smellyal8r: My recommendation for Secretary of Commerce is Ron “Show Me The Money” Brown.
Hell, since we’re bring back most of the Clinton Administration, why not bring back someone who actually is in Hell — roasting?
DustBowlBlues:
Take mega doses of vitamin C and get facial massages; you should be back to at least 90% capacity of facial movement in 4-6 weeks. Also, steroids for the pain management. — Good luck; Bell’s is a bitch. — Truck drivers’ disease.
DustBowlBlues:
Also, this lovely disease is in the herpes family, which means it’s unlikely but you could actually have a reoccurence. Related to chicken pox, etc.
DustBowlBlues: I got Bell’s Palsy when I was about 14. I sympathize because it’s such an odd and seemingly inexplicable condition. And it happens overnight. I didn’t get much treatment at the time, apart from being told to take extra Vitamin C. Today, over 20 years on, my smile is slightly lopsided and I cannot wink with the weak side eye - so no big complaints there . . . and apart from that, I’m doing fine. I hope you recover well and if you are blogging your recovery, be sure to post a link.
(@ Editors, sorry for off-topic.)
Go Jedi Night 2012!
The co-author of the book pictured at the top of the column, “Dow 36,000 : The New Strategy for Profiting from the Coming Rise in the Stock Market” is Kevin Hassett who wrote the Bloomberg piece on
OOPS
“Bush’s Legacy May End Up Better Than You Think” at http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=washingtonstory&sid=acJBjLS7oKAc
donner_froh: You misunderstand the title. It says that if you invested $100k a year ago, you’d have $36k now. Zing!
@smellyal8r: the idiots over at the NYT who showed their collective smarts when they hired mr. william kristol for a bunch of money, can kiss hopey’s presidential ass; they lost all rights to criticize anyone’s hiring practices with that one stroke of genius. bill richardson ALWAYS > bill kristol, even without the awesome beard and potentially covered in all kinds of tainty corruption.
If I don’t hear what Wonkette thinks about the Sad Tale of Tubby Billy Rick, I just won’t know what to agree with!
OK, Fess up, who is behind the “Liberal Conspiracy to Frame and Defame TeamSarah”?
http://www.redstate.com/freedomist/2009/01/02/liberal-conspiracy-to-frame-and-defame-teamsarah-busted/
sarcasticusername: Another entry in the annals of taint.
sarcasticusername: Yes. Agreed. Dr. Kristol is a skunk But, I actually think Hopey got rushed into picking Richardson and either a) took his word for it that things were blown out of proportion and in the last few days it just got worse or b) ignored the warning signs. Just as well…
Neilist: Wow. Other than that how’d you like the play Mrs. Lincoln?
Bruno: The internet.
All of it.
I’m sensing a bit of sarcasm, Ken Layne.
Don’t be going off fucking up my vacation like that. Oh and I just bought all your houses for $12 bucks, total. And you were all made in China.
And you are all full of lead.
Therefore, China is a $12 dollar piece of lead.
SEEEE MY LOGIC?
Bruno: Strangely enough, Redstate has the same dancing girl promoting a college education as Wonkette. What has Blogads done to the interwebs? The answer is “well, at least money doesn’t believe in party politics?” Or maybe “Gee golly we’re all broke as fuck right now. That’s not partisan, right?” I leave it to your discretion.
2druk2phluq: I like your ideas. I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
@smelly8r: that might very well true, he needed a consolation prize to give to richardson and probably just slapped him in the first empty space on the cabinet bracket or whatever, figuring cuddly old bill couldn’t really be covered in the taint (plus the era of blago has given the taint such a bad name). you and i get to say that all we want; the NYT –home of bill kristol– not so much, bill kristol brings a taint more epic than blago.
sarcasticusername: Yes but we must remember the Wall Street Journal’s lovely exception with Peggy Noonington, who is the squire of literal words and phrases, as well as counterdom to the absolute ordilnary bullshittyness that pervades this chance less societal juncture of pure havoc and steam derived from the bullshit of Peggy Noonington.
It’s like a fucking Catholic Mass. Beautiful.
Bruno: Well, I am certainly ashamed by indirect association with the liberal sock puppets who burned down Sarah Palin’s church while posting racist rants on a racist, ranting, right-wing web site.
I think that covers it.
Bruno: You made me click on a RedState link, you bastard!
Having said that, those RedStaters seem like a bunch of sad, sad losers. Did one of the Freedomist guys really have a Fred Thompson quote as his tagline signature? Amazing.
wheelie:
Sorry, OT also—
Erin go braugh! -
It is a weird thing; after swimming in a pool not often cleaned out, then sleeping under an overhead fan (this is in the Black Belt South US) overnight, woke up and face slowly being paralyzed. Dr. said I was more susceptible, having had chicken pox. Friends thought I had a stroke–which I blew off being 21 just barely, and so…. but big loads of vit. C and keeping the facial muscles exercised (& I guess my youth) enabled me to overcome almost all (now maybe 5% less mobility on side of face affected) of my normal facial actions. When I have too much to drink, that eye sorta goes half-mast…
So, DustBowl pal, you are not alone! and again good luck, and better health in the New Year.
(ps — Truckers’ disease: many truck drivers get this (and I’m guessing b’cause they’ve had some form of herpes virus before) on the left side of their face from the window draft….. least, that’s what my Dr. told me when I was young and 21! — )
shortsshortsshorts: Plus she has a pretty mouth.
The website they organized this attack from is called “somethingawful.com.” We must admit, it is aptly named.
HAHA! The Goons from SA got ‘em!
shortsshortsshorts: Ooh, I don’t get that, but I am using the foreign interwebs today.
donner_froh: I heard it was a meth lab expolsion in the basement of Palin’s church?
Bruno: In Wasilla trailer park eschatology, the exploision is called the Rapture.
When will RedState recognize my brilliant plan to destroy Sarah Palin by letting her talk.