Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the far-off futuristic year 2009! Though the rapidly aging 21st century has repeatedly failed to deliver on its promises — flying cars, domed cities on the moon and ocean floor, universal peace supervised by a one-world government, shiny jumpsuit-based couture, sex robots — we still begin each new year with a big dose of Hope! Except this one, obviously, because we’re all fucked. So, in our grand tradition of doing Christmas-themed Cartoon Violences a day after Christmas, enjoy this January 2nd meditation on how the new year will kill us all.
If you click on the images, they get bigger. Try it, won’t you?
Americans began 2009 the same way they begin every year: watching the first sunrise of the new year with the alcohol that fueled the previous evening’s celebration still running through their brains and clouding their senses. But this year, some things were a little different: instead of overindulging at Zach and Shannon’s now-foreclosed starter McMansion, Americans did their celebrating in a fetid alley somewhere, and were forced to get blotto on the cheapest of generic hooch. Fortunately, they maintained enough of their dignity to don proper party attire (i.e., bow ties and stupid hats).
But darker doings were afoot that night. Beloved American patriot-king/logo/mascot Uncle Sam drove his beat-up old junker (representing AMERICA) onto the train tracks, then just decided to walk away, whistling. Such a blatant bit of property-destruction won’t even earn him an insurance payout — not that he’d been able to afford insurance for the last six months or so anyway. The helpless America-car must just sit uneasily on the tracks, waiting for the oncoming train to wipe it off the map.
But what about that traditional symbol of Hope, the Baby New Year? Little-known fact: Each year, one woman is selected by lot as the “New Year Host,” into whose womb the parasitic time-baby is implanted. For most of the previous year, the tiny top-hat-wearing fetus enjoys nutrients and warmth from the host at no cost and no effort on his part. Naturally, what with 2009 being inevitably terrible, Baby New Year 2009 was reluctant to terminate this arrangement.
Eventually, Baby New Year 2009 was shoved unwillingly out of its host’s lady parts and into the world. Because the new year will only accelerate our world’s transformation into a cold, unfeeling computerized deathscape actively hostile towards human life, the symbol of the new year turned out to be a terrifying cyborg-thing, with a connection cable for directly accessing the Internet and doing the Facebook or the blogs or the whatever the hell it is the kids do today with the computers and Internets and the hey hey.
After being wiped off, Baby New Year was thrust onto the stage before all of humanity to do his one job: to serve as a cute little metaphor for the promise and hope of the new year, to represent plans just made and good things still in their opening stages. Needless to say, it was impossible. The little time-baby, all too aware of the horror 2009 would bring to so many, could only stand dumbly before the expectant masses, eyes huge and welling up tears — not the unthinking tears of a real infant, but the heavy, soul-crushing tears of infinite disappointment and helpless sadness.
Then he thought of something that could cheer him up: Cocaine! Lots and lots of cocaine! WHEEE HORSEY RIDE WHEE WHEE WHEE FUN FUN WHEE! YAY 2009! WHEE! HORSEY RIDE! COCAINE! WHEE!
Screw the jetpacks, I’m still waiting for purple wigged babes in Mylar Miniskirts working on the moon.
Everyone’s picking on Poor Baby New Year 2009. The editorial cartoonists should have been shitting on the now retired motherfucker 2008. I’d have imagined him looking like today’s DeNiro as 1976’s Travis Bickle. Old, wrinkly, flabby and shirtless with pants way too tight for his waistline while waving a Glock and Uzi then shooting the finance industry in the kneecaps and screaming “You Looking at ME?”
Thanks, Wonkette, for making me want to slit my wrists before I even leave work…
That can’t be the real Uncle Sam! The real Uncle Sam doesn’t leave cars on train tracks and then walk away, mumbling incoherently about who the fuck knows what other than a punchline, also Uncle Sam could probably spell “breathe” correctly
Merry Christen: It’s the prospect of going to work that makes me want to slit my wrists.
Hey J.Fruh, if your site gets the Best Humor Blog and Wonkette gets the Best Liberal Blog at the Bloggies or whatever the fuck that made-up award is called, who wins? Is it more prestigious to be the most liberal funny guy or the most funny secret-liberal guy? Also will you burn the award for warmth in 3 months when we’re all shivering hobos in a gutter eating bugs and huffing gas?
Fruhlinger, if I weren’t so hopped up on goofballs and MD 20/20 I’d be crying right now. Horsies! Weeeee!
The folks in the first cartoon look like deflated Boteros. Which is entirely appropriate.
coincidentally, my new years resolution is to track down Chuck Asay and empty the contents of a septic tank onto him. just my little way of repaying him for doing the editorial-reading world the same favor throughout 2008.
So long as we can still make fun of impending calamity, there is hope. Not much, but any port in a storm, sez I.
I hope that one day all children will be born iPod ready.
And then Blizz borked PvP and the last good part of 2008 died.
Yay! Only one more year until 2010, the year Roy Scheider makes contact!
That short, squat guy sitting down drawing a cartoon creeps me out bigtime. I hope he’s not under my bed tonight.
Don’t forget to throw in the impending cataclysmic Yellowstone earthquake. After which we’ll be eating that New Year’s baby.
Volcano, dammit. Do one thing at a time, dude.
MadMangosteen: Asay’s upset because his righteous elephants, who of course had nothing to do with bringing us to these various impasses, are now relegated to morgue duty. I say we should be so lucky — if Republicans were forced to clean up the messes they made, maybe we wouldn’t have so many of them.
robanybody:
Earthquakes are just the tip of that iceberg.
http://www.solcomhouse.com/yellowstone.htm
Is it just me or do all those cartoons suck donkey balls? I thought cartoons were supposed to be funny. And funny ha ha not funny strange. Seems any ol’ moran who can’t draw or spell can be a political cartoonist these days.
At least some pirates were captured in the Gulf of Aden or somewhere. CNN says so. 2009 is saved!
I, for one, welcome our new financially depressed market overlords. It’s supposed to hurt less if you just relax and try to enjoy it, right?
Haha. Just got a $ 400 prop tax refund in the mail today from old gazillionaire skinflint Bloomberg! So far, I love this year.
*dividing 400 by 365…*
hobospacejungle: If I was a cartoonist, I’d be drawing the shit out of Blagodicks and his exploding hair device, or Caroline Kennedy and her half-teeth, before they both disappear from the radar screen in O-niner.
Jr’s National Science Foundation allocated millions for research into sex robots. Unfortunately, since the Republicans have been in control of the Executive Branch, the specs call for the robots to resemble 12 year old boys.
Gee, Josh, if it’s gonna be all about teh cocaine, can we snort it off Campbell Brown’s ass, with Billy Kristol?
what’s the holdup on those sex robots, anyway? i’ve been over here drumming my fingers.
Oh course, I meant BILL Kristol. Only his mom calls him Billy.
hobospacejungle: Thought cartoons were supposed to be funny? You obviously don’t read Mallard Fillmore.
shanemacgowan: Hey, no jokes about my job! I need the paycheck.
“The hey hey” is going to be my newest favorite expression ever. I LOLZ my pants just thinking about its myriad uses.
bitchincamaro: “Caroline Kennedy and her half-teeth”
Indeed. While she looks OK for a gal of 50+ from the front, the profile on that woman is frightening.
Trying to decide what’s most terrifying: Yellowstone volcano, economic meltdown, climate change/mad-dog environmental refugees, bird flu, horndog pedo Repugs… I’d have to say the sex-robot delay has me fretting most… well, next to the recent Reuters survey naming Sarah Palin as “most desirable celebrity neighbor.”
Considering the Palin numbers, I think it’s time to look carefully at pitbulls, a good shotgun, and extra plywood for the windows.
SayItWithWookies: Asay’s a dipshit, but at least he’s not Glenn McCoy. that guy makes Bruce Tinsley look like Thomas Nast.
Is Jeff Danziger trying to make a point in the cartoon with Uncle Sam walking away from the burning 1957 Plymouth Fury? If so he has made it in a very oblique way since it doesn’t make sense from any point of view.
Monsieur Grumpe: Cool. Once it erupts, all of those Great Plains red states will have to relocate to Hounduras.
highway234: Are you sure you didn’t mean to write “gumming my fingers”? Just askin.
hobospacejungle: Try to catch a shot of her walk. John Wayne drunk comes to mind.
bfstevie: The Austin paper dropped Mallard Fillmore. Does that idiot still draw the thing or is he just a drunk now?
chascates: Sadly, that nasty duck is still permeating the comix page with its fetid reek. I read it every day as my atonement for unknown sins.
hobospacejungle: I dunno, man. Every time I look at photos of Caroline, all I can think is, ‘Sheez, those people have money and connections, couldn’t they at least have fixed her teeth when she was a teenager?’ Or is this one of those patrician we-have-so-much-money-we’re-above-all-trends-including-the-removal-of-benign-moles sorta thing?
I guess we could go with Perfect Teeth and Hair Vampire of Utah Mittens, but I tend to prefer Kennedys, except maybe the (alleged) rapist ones (insert legalese here). Ming Dynasty porcelain teeth and all. As long as she can say “global warming is real and we’re going to do something about it,” I’ll follow her anywhere. I also have no problem with dynasty politics, as long as they’re OUR dynasties and the only Clinton in the mansion is the poodle.
bitchincamaro: hobospacejungle: Pat Pending: Hey guys. Easy. Easy. Different strokes for different folks.
I wouldn’t kick Caroline the K. out of bed. (At least not if I’ve knocked down a half bottle of Old Pegleg first.)
Which is more than I can say about Hilz. Nancy Pelosi. Olivia Snowe. Or Ruth Ginsburg.
Oh. Since you asked. Palin would be like doing a pencil sharpener. I think she has teeth issues.
Pat Pending: “couldn’t they at least have fixed her teeth”
I’m guessing old man Schlossberg’s got a thing for chicks with massive overbites. It takes all kinds.
robanybody: “I’ll follow her anywhere.”
I kind of agree. If she’s gonna be a lefty-ish liberal that’s all I care about. Just so long as she doesn’t take direction from the spineless Democratic leadership who don’t seem to understand that they are in the majority now.
Joe the Plumber is in the digital baby delivery business now? He’s such a Renaissance man, when does he have time to do the Plumbin’?
By the way, any estimates on what his income in 2008 would be since he didn’t get around to buyin’ that plumbin’ business? I’m guessin’ a few infomercials + sellin’ a couple hundred books don’ come close to the $300k BristolBilly got.
Horsey ride, my ass. That’s a donkey show, because America is now Tijuana (Tijuana, meanwhile, is Haiti). The Aristocrats!
Only communists spell highway “hiway.”
Those Baby New Year cartoons are pure science fiction. Mitch McConnell has already had his meet-and-greet Republican way with the little tot. Bend over, me little laddie this won’t hurt. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1355530/kentuckys_mitch_mcconnell_main_foe.html?cat=62
WTF–Bill Moyers is doing a piece on political humorists and saluting them and, you know, Bill Moyer-ish stuff and he didn’t do a shoutout to the wonkette editors and, of course, the wonkerrati. He started with The Onion and they say fuck every bit as much as we do, so, again, What the Fuck?
bfstevie: “can we snort it off Campbell Brown?
Where is Campbell, anyway? It’s seem wrong, reading wonkette without her smilingly delivered vigilance.
hobospacejungle: “I kind of agree. If she’s gonna be a lefty-ish liberal that’s all I care about. Just so long as she doesn’t take direction from the spineless Democratic leadership who don’t seem to understand that they are in the majority now.”
No snark. I just had to take time out to say I totally agree. What will make me crazy is when perpetually deer-in-headlights eyed zombie Mitch McConnell whips them into submission. Or John Boner–hell, he smokes so much, couldn’t they just make up some excuse to force him to stay in the whatever they call it where they meet until he’s so crazed he agrees to anything?
I mean, how tough can it be? We won, you wimps. Go kick some sand in some Repuptard face.
And I think Caroline K would be very good in the senate–hard working, liberal, smart and not a grandstanding egomaniac.
Just don’t let her make all the speeches.
bfstevie: uh…that’s not campbell’s ass….and that’s prolly not a straw in Bill’s hand…..
Image: the comics curmudgeon guy
Caption: this doesn’t have the same kick as last year’s.
Image: couple in Alley
Caption: and so we bid farewell to 2008, etc.
Image: uncle Sam walks away from smoking car.
Caption: baby new year refuses to come out.
Interpretation: if only the baby would come out of the car, he would live. Unfortunately, he stays in the 2008 car and will be killed. Ironic & new-agey.
Image: pregnant woman with death 2008
Caption: congratulations! he’s digital-ready.
Interpretation: too deep and complex for me.
Image: nurse brings baby
Caption: Hope we make it through the new year
Interpretation: um … very lynchian …
Image: unhappy baby on stage
Caption: out with the old. in with the new
Image: guy on stretcher; baby on donkey.
Caption: (none)
Yay for happy endings!
So where’s the dozen or so cartoons of people throwing shoes at Baby New Year/ Old Man 2008? My paper ran one seemingly every day this week.
my paper just had old man 2008 screaming at Baby New Year 2009 to “get teh fuck off my lawn, and out of my white house”. Old times are not forgotten.
Ah, the blogs. Remember those days of old when we DIDN’T have a national–actually an international–audience in front of which to semi-anonymously make crude, brazen jokes about a prominent news reporter’s ass? How did we ever amuse ourselves in those antidiluvean times?
This has been another Moment of Reflection from the good folks at Hallmark.
chascates: I am quite sure he still draws that thing. He could be drunk while he’s doing it.
robanybody: Ah, yes, before the unwashed masses knew there were people writing on the Internet all the time. I criticized the Republican fuckwits on my little shit-hole of a blog in 2005 and got like 160 hate responses. That was when I realized there were a huge number of people paying attention. When I got sitemeter the numbers made me paranoid out of my mind. I jus’ knew I was goin’ to Gitmo for ragging on the Boosh.
We just borrow a couple more trillion and we’re back in business. Why worry? Obama to the rescue.2druk2phluq: Yea you really had ‘em sweatin.
hobospacejungle: He’s sharpening his wooden stick to poke your eyes out while you sleep.
Just sayin’!
2druk2phluq: “the unwashed masses”
There’s a small business thought.
A masses redi-wash walk through.
Profit.
Actually, I loved the Danziger one. Expressed my feelings perfectly.
Worst year ever? I live in Chicago. I’ve got Blago and Burris up my ass, without lube or dinner. So I blogged about it and it doesn’t suck:
http://mojopo.blogspot.com/2009/01/fisting-burris.html
2druk2phluq: ’sok. No jury in the country would convict you. Oh, right. Gitmo.
Kim Jong Il wears jumpsuit-based couture, and China wants a one-world government. Maybe the future is bright after all.
robanybody: Yeah, some still live in the past. Like this guy, he fucked Mann Coulter in the ass real hard and created a blog about it. It’s a great Saturday morning read.
Pat Pending: ‘Sheez, those people have money and connections, couldn’t they at least have fixed her teeth when she was a teenager?’
Are you kidding!? Why pay for orthodontics when she’s destined for public service and the ‘free’ healthcare.
Darehead:
Funny how the US and China are slowly becoming what was the other.
HuskyMescan:
‘…like a hot dinner roll’ had me rollin’ on the floor in laughter!
HuskyMescan: God, that’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Beautifully done–he must have been taking notes. The amazing thing is, it makes me a pinch sweaty for the vile, anorexic skelatoconservative.
Anyway, what was that, something about Campbell? Soup? Whu?
Servo: robanybody: Yeah, I like his dialogue for Mann. It’s very convincing. But I wouldn’t fuck that with JJ walker’s cock.
HuskyMescan: The National Review’s been worrying about their circulation numbers lately. This kind of thing would be killer for them. They could call it FreedomPorn.
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2009/01/hello-2009-2008-is-so-last-year.html
MadMangosteen: Word; I’m down to go halvsies on the septic tank.
HuskyMescan: Oooh, Mann knows black people! And all this time I thought she was racist!
donner_froh: Danzinger cannot possibly have a point. Ever. The guy is completely incoherent. And I say that as someone who can usually understand other incoherent people.
AnnieGetYourFun: Danziger. Like it matters if I spell it right.
Of course baby new year doesn’t want to come out. Virgin birth is not a pleasant experience. Especially when wearing a top hat.