Wonkette
Back in the day, people would ring in the New Year the old fashioned way: by scoring an eight ball, buying a $5,000 VIP table at a Miami Beach party hosted by a fancy young rap impresario, and having sex in a jacuzzi with a half-dozen hot Brazilian models while smoking cigars made out of hundred-dollar bills. But this year, with everybody impoverished and starving, festivities were looking a little slimmer.
Over at Wonkette headquarters, we roasted a half-eaten hot dog over a coal fire and then enjoyed a few of what funny drinks-writer David Wondrich once called “The Hoboken Speedball” (a coffee chased with a can of Bud).
In other parts of the world, the scene was even more tragic. Forget about the rappers — not even that “soulful crooner” guy or the naked lesbian Lindsay Lohan could find anyone to hang out with them:
Tickets to see [John] Legend perform at Prive in Miami Beach have not all been sold, and down the street at Mansion, where Lohan and gal pal Samantha Ronson will be hosting an event, organizers are still hustling to sell VIP tables, ranging from $1,500 to $5,000.
People are negotiating more over what they are willing to pay for these gala events, and are more interested in affordable parties, said Michael Galluppo, general manager at Newyears.com, a national Web site started in 1998 that gives party information and sell event tickets in major cities.
[...] Hundreds of the events listed on the site are still available. One event in New York City and in San Francisco each are marked as sold out, and two events are sold out in Chicago and in Miami. But in Las Vegas, headliners like Kid Rock, the Kardashian sisters, and singer Ashlee Simpson and her husband Pete Wentz can’t seem to draw in sold-out crowds to their own events.
Jesus, Las Vegas is really going down the drain, isn’t it? Was anybody else enough of a loser to watch the tragic Vegas Spectacular on FOX last night, complete with the mopey motorcycle stunt and the incredibly awkward exchanges between that Spike guy and the ventriloquist with the turtle, and worst of all, the relentless promotion of Cirque de Soleil, a freak show of spangled idiots bouncing on trampolines to Beatles music? 2009 will be the year America died, and it will all be Barack Obama’s fault.
NYE minus VIP equals partying at home for many [AP]
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say Kid Rock’s failure to sell tickets has nothing to do with the economy. Maybe he could have Joe the Plumber as an opener and do a Our-15-Minutes-Of-Fame-Is-Over-But-We-Refuse-To-Accept-It tour.
Incredibly, ABC missed the ball drop in NYC. They showed Billary about to magically cause the ball to drop. Then they cut away to Dick Clark, who looks virtually the same on the outside as he did when he hosted American Bandstand, 5000 years ago, but whose brain seems to have finally achieved its natural 5000 year age, due to clean living and multiple sad ischemic neurological events. ABC then gave us complete coverage of Dick senilely smooching his missus over and over again, while, unbeknownst and unbeseen by viewers, the ball made its way down the pole from heaven to the nasty vagina of Times Square. Whadda disappointment, the end.
you are so cynical about the motorcycle event. although, it would a been
better if the guy had flipped over backwards,
fallen six stories, and broken every bone in his body.
i’d a liked to have started my year by seeing that.
maybe the PE will do some kinda stunt on jan. 20…like…
BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA WILL FIX THE ECONOMY AND KNOCK-UP MICHELLE IN ONE DAY!!!!!!!!!
i’d like to see that, too.
tsunami: I just watched Kneival’s jump on YouTube (screw you, Fox!). Yawn…. it looked about 50 feet total. 2009 will be as sucky as 20088 if even our daredevils have become giant pussies!
El Bombastico:
attack of the giant pussies!
i’d like to see that, too.
Did NYC taxi drivers revert to their home-world customs this year or has even that slowed down this year? I.e., no meters and price is negotiated before hand?
tsunami: Our leader must have a male heir to fulfill the desires of the prophit Mohammed and/or Osama.
Thanks for the Hoboken speedball recipe.
I may have to resort to it in the year ahead.
Slainte!
The motorcycle guy broke his hand or something, right? It was weird how they moved in for an interview while he’s sitting there going, “Jesus I think my hand is broken!”
Grazni: His hand?!!? Christ, his father broke every single everlovin’ bone in his body trying jump over the Caesars’ fountains! And this nancy-boy is crying because he broke two metatarsals?!? We are all doomed.
Losers, all of them. My party was totes sold out last night, in that I didn’t sell tickets.
My wife and roommates and I played trivial pursuit, got drunk on cheap wine and danced to bad 80’s music videos we found on the YouTube. If our country had any economies, that would sound kind of pathetic, huh?
My friends all went back to Mexico for New Years, where they ate to excess and drank god-knows-what mixed with enough lime juice to keep from noticing that it all tastes like rubbing alcohol. How I envy them. I’m so broke, I can’t even afford a holiday trip to the Guadalajara slums. How pathetic is that?
So there WAS a turtle puppet. I thought it was a side effect of all this wood alky.
The motorcycle jump didn’t look all that hard. I enjoyed the computer simulations of his fiery death a lot more. And I was sort of secretly rooting for the fiery death to totally happen so we could get a weeklong tribute on a Very Special Hannity & Colmes.
Back in the day, people would ring in the New Year the old fashioned way: by scoring an eight ball, buying a $5,000 VIP table at a Miami Beach party hosted by a fancy young rap impresario, and having sex in a jacuzzi with a half-dozen hot Brazilian models while smoking cigars made out of hundred-dollar bills.
Yeeeeeahhhhh… um… I tried that once. Found out a couple of weeks later that three of those Brazilian models were actually trannys. Kinda disconcerting. Had to adjust my scoring of the day from a 9.5/10 down to an 8/10. All in all good times, though. Good times.
…take it from me, the majority of people in Miami last night were getting wasted at their parents house and drunk driving! When you are to busy worrying about how you are going to get the pawn shop guy to give an extra $100 for your grandmothers ashes you don’t have time to haggle with some bouncer(most likely named “Surge”) over a $500 bottle of piss and a table!
Fly-over Correspondent: …actually sound appealing!
Economy, shmeeconomy. I got drunk on two (YES TWO, BITCHES) bottles of $7.99 “champagne” and watched Snatch with a few friends who are also hung over like me at this moment. I think we paused the movie to see some sparkly ball go down to some numbers that were also sparkly, but I can’t be sure.
Looking at the long history of Goode vs. Evel: Evel managed to make big jumps while Wilson Goode was only able to burn down three residential blocks in West Philly while trying to roust out a “back to nature” group who were going Sarah palin on stray dogs, killing and dressing them. Yuck.
Was it worth burning down Fat Albert’s house to get them?
If you’re concerned about Goode vs. Evel, Evel wins hands down - (busted meta-carpals, ribs, vertebrae and meta-tarsals included).
And if you can’t clap your hands, try clapping your feet. It’s tough times. Tote that barge, lift that bale; put your nose to the grindstone, and your shoulder to the wheel and keep your eye on the ball.
Now try working in this position.
WalnutsIsMyCo-Pilot: …hangovers are for people(pronounced: pussies) who are dumb enough to stop drinking! *Drunk posting*
Oh, I thoroughly enjoyed the Vegas truck/motorcycle event. The truck guy looked like a total pussy after that motorcycle guy rode off the top of the arc. I was hoping the motorcycle guy would just like, totally fucking clear the whole thing. Now THAT would be cool.
AngryBlakGuy: One time I snuck in my own table. And the guy who threw me out was named “Pump”. I assumed he meant for his penis, but I can’t be sure. Maybe he threw me out because I accidentally called him “Douche”. What? It was an honest mistake…
It really is a pity about Dick Clark, though. Some genius Asian neurotech company should sneak up behind him and spike him in the anterior fontanel area with a big vial of stem cells.
I am truly shocked that parties “headlined” by such respected celebrities as Kid Rock and the sisters Kardashian failed to sell out. The dwindling economy has cut deeper into the heart of America than I had previously imagined.
AngryBlakGuy: Well, I guess this hangovers for you, economy
Note to self: don’t purchase bottles of sparkling alcohol that have quotes around the word “champagne”, regardless of their non-expensiveness. The stupid, it hurts… “literally”
WalnutsIsMyCo-Pilot: …in Miami its customary to call bouncers by there politically correct names, which are: Douche Bag, Shit Bucket, Fukk Face, Jizz Head and “I wish your mother swallowed”!
Origami: Wait, wait, wait… the Kardoucheian sisters’ party didn’t sell out?! Well color me shocked, awed, and in a state of depression with which I will never recover. Heh, sort of like our economy. HIYO!
AngryBlakGuy: In Los Angeles, it is customary to call bouncers by their Christian names, which are: Asshat, Cameltoe, Taintless, Pee Pants, Salad Tosser and Pete Wentz. So if you’re ever in LA, make damn sure you use those names, or else Jeebus won’t love you anymore. True story.
I wasn’t anxious about getting older until I saw the Dick Clark zombie last night in “Night of the Living Nip/Tuck.” Whoa, Nelly!
Ok, explain to me why the Kardashians(I know they are on TV- but what do they do?) and Ashlee Simpson are called headliners? I mean besides the obvious sexual references?
I learned today that one of the chains going out of business is National Wholesale Liquidators- where am I and the entire population of Langley Park, Md supposed to shop now?
WalnutsIsMyCo-Pilot:
Taintless… hmmmm… is that sorta like those guys with no discernible neck? Except… you know… on the other end?
So does this mean that the tanking economy is going to spell doom to C and D-list talents who have inexplicably made money for themselves for no other reason than the bottom feeding media shoved them down the throat of stupid American?
I guess there’s silver lining to every disaster.
Serolf Divad: “Taintless” is slang for the biological term “monotreme”
Via the all-knowing Wikipedia:
“The key physiological difference between monotremes and other mammals is the one that gave them their name; Monotreme means ’single opening’ in Greek, and comes from the fact that their urinary, defecatory, and reproductive systems all open into a single duct, the cloaca. This structure is very similar to the one found in reptiles. Monotremes and marsupials have a single cloaca (though marsupials also have a separate genital tract) while placental mammal females have separate openings for reproduction, urination and defecation: the vagina, the urethra, and the anus.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monotreme
If the Kardashian sisters are headliners who is the opening act? JoJo the pig-faced boy?
Well, I have ALWAYS cooked my beans in the can over a sterno cocktail. Nothing changed this year.
I haz an ouch in my head.
toomush alceehaul.
Fly-over Correspondent: How’s this for pathetic? I’m in a Tully’s in downtown Seattle using the free wireless network so I can check in with wonkette. (ha ha i’m lonely).
Serolf Divad: I’m gonna have to say “yes”. Wait- did I just create a new entry for urban dictionary?!? Dayum, my 2009 IS gonna be awesome!
I fell asleep before midnight
I got tickets to my New Year’s Eve event just a day or two before, and it was far from sold out. To be fair, the event I went to was a Bach concert and organ recital.
Worked a concert last night, and by the time it ended in the wee hours I was too dispirited by the drunken fratboy twats around me to have even one drink. My first alcohol-free New Years Eve since age 14 — why do I feel so hungover?
The two bars near my house were nearly empty.
The only way to go is up!
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2009/01/hello-2009-2008-is-so-last-year.html
ahprahran: johnbpt: ellie: The only way to fix these problems is with a good old-fashioned bender. Get thee to a liquor store.
First 9-11, and now nobody wants to party with Kid Rock. How much more can America take?
“two events are sold out in Chicago”
Lemme guess. The Blago/Burris “Pay to Play, You Fucking Fuckers” celebrations.
Lest old times be forgot.
“Hobo beans a la squirrel roadkill” all around, with a flaming Sterno chaser.
Me, I did a Collected Works of the Coen Brothers DVD festival, supported by two cans of paint thinner. Thereafter anxious friends discovered me with my head out the window, baying at passing drunkards.
Got no problem with 2009.
Of course I can’t see too good. And mi touche typeng sems to B getttting wurss.
Obama ruined a few things before 2009 ever started, as detailed here: http://www.buster-get-my-pills.com/2008/11/07/guest-cat-blog-barack-obama-killed-my-buzz/
Ah, new years at McNemamin’s. I totally spaced on building my lamp.
Spouse and I watched AbFab reruns until midnight, switched over to local programming, said Happy Fucking New Year and passed out by 12:05 without either of us getting laid. Whoo Hoo, 2009.
Sara, I love you, but don’t you evah denounce anything remotely related to the Beatles……maybe Ringo….and Heather Mills….and that terrible song that Paul wrote about 9/11…..but that is it!