During his tenure in office, George Bush created more than a housing bubble: he also fostered an “employment bubble” for high-functioning idiots, who were awarded fancy jobs in his administration and have since departed in shame and ignominy. Exhibit A: the hapless cretin, unemployed loser, and only Bush administration toady not to get a zillion dollars for his tell-all autobiography, Alberto Gonzales.
In a SHOCKING INTERVIEW, Gonzales revealed that he is, in fact, capable of human emotions such as remorse and pity, so long as they’re for himself.
During a lunch meeting two blocks from the White House, where he served under his longtime friend, President George W. Bush, Mr. Gonzales said that “for some reason, I am portrayed as the one who is evil in formulating policies that people disagree with. I consider myself a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror.”
Truly, no mortal has suffered more than Al Gonzales, the human bag of dicks. He had to testify, before Congress, and they were so mean to him. Then he had to resign from his office and he didn’t get even get a Medal of Freedom like all the other criminals. And now he is writing a book about his life as Handjobber in Chief, a book that absolutely zero people will ever read.
Alberto Gonzales … said he is writing a book to set the record straight about his controversial tenure as a senior official in the Bush administration. [...] Mr. Gonzales, 53 years old, doesn’t have a publisher for his book. He said he is writing it if only “for my sons, so at least they know the story.”
Too bad there aren’t any sexy parts, except for the bit where he and Andy Card went to the hospital to rape John Ashcroft while he was under sedation, wearing a paper dress. Nobody wants to read that, except Lynne Cheney.
Gonzales Defends Role in Antiterror Policies [Wall Street Journal]
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Drop Gonzo into downtown Baghdad and watch the hilarity ensue.
Y’know, a quick Photoshop could turn AG Gonzalez into Dr. Evil in no time…
He’s writing the book for his sons????? Hahaha, motherfucker.
I didn’t think there was anything that could make me want to kick Alberto in the crotch more than that stupid picture in which he flashes his million dollar “I Don’t Recall” smile. Apparently there is.
“Nobody wants to read that, except Lynne Cheney.”
Especially at lunch.
Oh poor Gonzo. Who wants to hire a lawyer who makes Barry Zuckercorn look good? I’d rather defend myself in court even if he were the only lawyer available.
I feel good knowing that smary little shit is wallowing in his “self-pity.” His pain pleases me.
At least some good has come from the War on Terror.
I feel so sorry for him. Maybe he can be my paralegal….
I still want to drag his face through a bag of hammers. Is that so wrong?
Blingee?
Sara, you have a generous definition of high-functioning.
Also, I love this sad query:
“What is it that I did that is so fundamentally wrong, that deserves this kind of response to my service?” he said during an interview Tuesday…
Gee, Mr. Gonzales — after your service, you definitely don’t deserve a lifetime of unemployment and ignominy. I’m thinking more along the lines of a PBS special where you’re torn apart by rabid badgers. Two hours, with an option to go three if absolutely necessary.
Haha – he will write it for his sons. Right.
Why don’t you just talk to them and tell ‘em yourself, you doomed fuckstick?
What a douchetip. I’m so happy he’s miserable, or at least feigning misery. I think he’s a barely-human prostitue like most of Washington, and it gives me joy to see him swimming in self-loathing regreat. Fart-sac.
He can write?
[re=207514]forgracie[/re]: Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have a qualified paralegal?
The report said he didn’t have a publisher lined up so it may just end up being a Big Chief tablet with a bunch of random scribbling on it.
Can we please make him a real, actual casualty of The War on Terror by actually ending his life… in the spirit of the holidays. Please. He soooo wants to be the martyr, and I soooo want to make that wish of his come true.
Gonzales isn’t the most intellectually sharp man, you think he might be tricked into accepting an invitation for a “book signing” at the Hague?
[re=207517]cal[/re]: PLEASE GOD someone make a blingee of that pic. I lack the proper skills and it would just come off as half-assed, kind of like his work product.
What does one have to do to become a ‘longtime friend of Bush’?
I’m guessing there are various perversions that can be inserted there.
I’m sure that the Fox affiliate in West Buttfuckenberg needs a legal analyst. After all, Dick Morris, Oliver North et al. got jobs.
In that pic, Gonzo has the “I positively can’t wait until I’m assfucked to oblivion by my cellmate Tiny” look down pat.
Waterboard the oily little fuckmoid
Gonzo is a complete fuckneck, an assslurping buttboy. He deserves nothing less than to choke on a bag of dicks. I’d like to queef on him and then throw him from a great height, and then have Sarah Palin hunt him aerially while he runs, naked and pissing himself, and then when Sarah fills his sorry poopshute full of buckshot, I’d like Todd Palin to give him a set of Arabian Goggles and then a Cleveland Steamer.
I absolutely hate that fucking nerd, I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire. Cocksucker!
/end small rant
He can always go back to picking strawberries in the central valley.
m So Ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone
There’s no one
Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work rearry hard and make up great prans
But nobody ristens, no one understands
Seems like no one takes me serirousry
And so I’m ronery
A rittle ronery
Poor rittle me
[re=207525]chascates[/re]:
All work and no play makes Alberto a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Alberto a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Alberto a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Alberto a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Alberto a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Alberto a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Alberto a dull boy.
I don’t know what’s worse, the Bush Administration or the aftermath of the Bush Administration where we have to endure all manner of self-serving books from whiny ass titty babies complaining that we’re all too stupid to understand how awesome Bush was and that they totally aren’t going to be friends with us anymore.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
I think a OJ style “If I did it…” theme would sell a lot more books
He’s not a casualty of the war on terrer, he still has all his arms and legs!
sissy.
Hey you guys! All you people care about is snarky readers and making money off of him. He’s a human! LEAVE POOR ERIK ESTRADA ALONNNNNNNNNNNNE! Hasn’t he suffered enough?????
Hmmmmmmmmmmm…that might make a great YouTube video….
In unrelated Criminal/Terroristic news, Matt Dillion was arrested in Vermont for going 106 mph. In a rented Impala.
His mugshot is hot.
I totally wanted him to be my first, just like Kristy McNicol.
(sorry to go Jezebel on you, but it’s MATT DILLION).
[re=207543]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Exerrrent!
[re=207517]cal[/re]: Gah! Don’t tempt me!
In one of his final acts before leaving office, Mr. Gonzales denied he was planning to quit, even though he had told the president of his intention to resign. Asked about the misleading comment Tuesday, he said: “At that point, I didn’t care.”
Wait — so his default position, when there’s absolutely nothing at stake, is to lie? Can’t see why he’s having such a hard time finding a job.
It’s about time that someone recognized Gonzo’s victimization by the war on terror, even if it was only the man himself. Now it’s time to finally recognize that Adolf Hitler was ultimately a victim of the Nazi bid to rule the world.
[re=207528]Lemur[/re]: in lieu of blingee:
http://mnftiu.cc/blog/images/gywo.cheezburger.gif
Epic fail. Without an outlet for his lies, the bullshit inside Gonzo is building up. If he waits much longer he is going to become a giant shit bomb. KABOOM—UCKY!
He’s not a casualty of war until he has been raped at gunpoint by Sean Penn and then greased with an assault weapon – while Michael J. Fox looks on in horror.
And raping John Ashcroft in a paper dress? Please! It’s way too early on New Year’s Eve to start worrying about projectile vomiting.
[re=207543]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: VF: I’m so ronery, I want to just crawl away and die. Yeah I’m so ronery, I want to hack hack hack hack it apart. I want to hack hack hack hack it apart.
I’m beginning to think there’s a little negativity here toward the outgoing administration and Republicans as a whole. It’s almost like Wonketteers don’t like them. Go figure. I just love the dirty motherfuckers, me.
Such language, Ms. Smith. You made me blush. I do that when the talk gets really dirty.
“…he also fostered an “employment bubble” for high-functioning idiots, who were awarded fancy jobs in his administration and have since departed in shame and ignominy.”
That part of the post made me wet.
Alberto shows up in East Austin, he’s going to have a mouthful of bloody chicklets and a shank up in his asscheek.
[re=207540]Merry Christen[/re]: You made me google Arabian Goggles. Damn you.
he’s perfect shorthand for the criminal idiocy of the bush nightmare:
brownie … gonzales … bremer ….
[re=207540]Merry Christen[/re]: Total win. I love you!
[re=207540]Merry Christen[/re]: And thanks for the tutorial on “queefing” and the “Cleveland Steamer” as well. My, we are getting quite an education in this thread.
Personally, I think he should be felched by John Ashcroft and then smeared from head to toe with a bucket of santorum.
Gonzo has a sad! This is the best New Year’s Gift EVAR!!1!
[re=207574]pattycake[/re]: And damn you, pattycake, because your googling made me want to google, too, and when I did… damn you. Although I did happen onto the delightfully rendered Sexy Lexy Sex Dictionary, which will come in handy when I’m trying to describe a move and all the words just get in the way. But then, I guess we’d have to keep a copy by the bed, and we’d have to stop to find an unfamiliar term, which could result in detumescence and a renewed desire on my partner’s part to return to that raging- fem paperback manifesto reissue she’d been reading before I jumped onto the foot of the bed, stripped down to my Spongebob crotchhuggers, and began crooning that Manilow song that always gets her so…
You made me tell. Damn you twice.
“hapless cretin, unemployed loser…”,
It always warms my heart when folks launch invective at this smug defiler of the Constitution.
“The Texacutioner”. If I’m remembering correctly, Amnesty Interenational cited W and Gonzo’s Texas administration as having the highest execution rate ever. What a couple a’ bags of shit! So self-satisfied in their murderous thievery.
I always assumed gonzo lawyering would involve more S&M and drug usage. Or maybe it did…
I’m guessing this guy doesn’t have SS protection. Meanwhile, Tripp’s jailed drug dealer granma has.
*Googling Arabian goggles*
*waiting*
Ohmy. Well, it probably beat an eyeshade.
[re=207600]bago[/re]: Maybe you’re not so far off the mark:
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=54861
Well, there is some good news:
“…he remains under investigation regarding allegations of political meddling at the Justice Department.”
Merry Fitzmas!
[re=207574]pattycake[/re]: This whole Arabian Goggles and Cleveland Steamer experience opened me up to a new side of the intertubes. It seems like there’s some pretty sexy stuff out there – is there any ladyboy stuff too?
What did he do that was so wrong? I’m afraid I can’t recollect.
Okay, Blingeed. My first one.
http://s293.photobucket.com/albums/mm48/SayItWithWookies/?action=view¤t=340569256_298643.gif
4tehlulz, Gonzo would fit right in down at the Baghdad bazzar (loose the suit and get with the PJs and flip-flops look), until he opened his mouth that is…
[re=207563]2druk2phluq[/re]: Oh please. Everyone loves the President! I mean he’s the most highly respected figure in the world, right? RIGHT?
[re=207621]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Very nicely orchestrated. I nominate it for best picture. Certainly not best actor though. That guy sweat bullets in front of the Senate.
[re=207609]robanybody[/re]: How could we guess. Young boys & the GOP. Its not yet on republicansexoffenders.com .
[re=207559]chascates[/re]: Luls, I luffs it! NO ALBERTO, YOU CANNOT HAZ IT!
Gonzales heard that Huckabee is a compassionate conservative, so this self-pity party is probably an audition to be Huck’s sidekick on his FOX show. He-e-e-e-re’s Huck-a-beeeee!!!
[re=207590]Fivetree[/re]: “Personally, I think he should be felched by John Ashcroft and then smeared from head to toe with a bucket of santorum.” Oh, he probably does that every New Year’s Eve.
[re=207621]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Bwahahahaha Love it!!!!
Good work!
Kinko’s wouldn’t publish his shit. What an anal fistule.
For being a casualty of the GWAT, he sure seems to have all his limbs and extremities intact.
But, in some sense, aren’t we all casualties?
BTW: Now I see where Blago got his smile.
Gonzo better hurry up and finish his book before a Hopey military tribunal puts him in Gitmo, elicits some adequate responses with aggressive interrogation, finds him guilty of unannounced charges during a secret Star Chamber proceeding and marches his fat ass in front of a firing squad. His kids can then be charged for the bullets. Just another victim … what utter, whiny horse shit!
I’m sorry, I’m going to completely enjoy the tell-all books that will certainly come out over the next four or five years as every douche and douchette who worked for the administration tries to publically defend themselves for the mess of the past eight years and reveal secrets that we can only guess. It’ll probably be the only amusement we’ll have over the next few years while we all look for work and bail out the water in our basements from the ever-shrinking ice caps.
http://www.nlpoa.org/Miami2004-09-09.jpg
[re=207621]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That’s some funny business you did there. Wish I had a Church Sign Generator, but I’d probably have to learn, like, html alien space code or something. Maybe I’ll just buy some plastic letters and start sneaking over the fence of the local fundie church and alter his signs for real–something I’ve fantasized about for years. He always has stuff like “He Took a Nail for You” and other psychotic crap that pisses me off because my kids see it and ask questions like, “Why was Jesus tortured and mutilated?” and I have to tell them it’s just a fairy tale, and then they say “Well, that’s not at all like Goldilocks, why do people want to believe stuff like that?” and I have to say, “Because they’re terrified, and they feel guilty for being human,” and god, it just goes on and on. Wish I had me a Church Sign Generator.
How in the fuck is this douche going to write a book to set the record straight when he apparently can’t remember a fucking thing!?
And if George W. Bush (MBA 1975)
weren’t ENOUGH proof
that every Harvard grad
isn’t some effin’ GENIUS,
this little shit Alberto (JD 1982)
put the lie to that theory
PERMANENTLY — dumbasses
apparently walk those hallowed
grounds too.
[re=207732]robanybody[/re]: Ain’t that hard — go to http://churchsigngenerator.com and check it out.
[re=207732]robanybody[/re]: http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/sign01.php, Dur, no html space alien codes needed
[re=207744]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Although, sneaking over the fence to the REAL church sign would be wayyyyyy more fun.
[re=207729]Clancy_Pants[/re]: Jesus fucking Christ! I thought Jabba the Hut was killed…and now we see him in public service. Thank you Jebus and Great Bog for the two-fer. Gonzo having a sad and my seeing another mammal fatter than me.
[re=207748]Lemur[/re]: Yeah, but take a picture right away because those don’t stay up very long. Or so I hear.
[re=207744]SayItWithWookies[/re]: [re=207745]Lemur[/re]: Very cool site, great for printing out custom jobs and putting them on the fridge. Thanks. I’ll use this to instruct my children on the true nature of God, Nature, Science, Scientology, Fundamentalism, and other pertinent topics (as if I have a clue). Maybe I’ll make little signs with non-psychotic messages and paste them to popsicle sticks, so when we pass the local fundy church the kids can hold them up in front of the real sign… No, wait, that’s too much like what they do.
But I still might hop that fence, and when they reach a certain age, bring the kids, too. After all, isn’t that what dads are for?
[re=207540]Merry Christen[/re]: You came in just under the wire to post one of the best comments of the year. So many new words! Now please follow with some videos of your sex life.
The best part is that Al can’t get a job ANYWHERE. He’s so radioactive that no law firm, no lobbing firm, no US based (or foreign government owned) business will touch him with a 100-foot pole. Not since Nixon has a pariah like this fallen out of the bum of an administration. And, I couldn’t be happier. The reason no one has bid on his book is that no one wants to read it (amazingly, people wanted to read what Scott McClellan had to say).
AG the AG stood idly by (or abetted) one of the most corrupt administrations of the last 30 years. Go away!
[re=207526]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: I was sooo going to object to the explicit call for this guy to off himself, but then I realized that 9-11 made notions of decency “quaint”.
[re=207786]smellyal8r[/re]: Nonsense – Walmart always needs temp, non-union workers.
ha! another crap book from this administration. if no one caught it ages back when it aired, Faith Salie’s fair game carried a hilarious interview with the lawyer then representing Gonzalez…who…is the son of good ol’ Judge Bork. You can still find it under “jobs for gonzo” on the fair game archive page from PRI.
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