REAL ESTATE SECTION  11:10 am December 31, 2008

Bush Will Abandon Hippie Crawford Enclave For Dallas Palace

by Sara K. Smith

'I wish I knew how to quit you.'One of the only nifty things about our soon-to-be-former President George W. Bush was his ranch house in Crawford, Texas. It was environmentally awesome, you see! Geothermal heat, underground rainwater collection tanks, native plants all over the place, built out of cheap local limestone — Prairie Chapel Ranch was Bush’s secret hippie paradise. Sometimes when he acted like a real jerk, all lying us into war and bombing places and extraditing terror suspects to scary Polish prisons and using the Constitution as a snot rag, we would think, “Well, he can’t be one hundred percent awful, because look at that tastefully decorated (ignore the old-lady chairs in that photo) and relatively small house he spends all his time in.” Now that he no longer has to keep up even an appearance of normalcy or sanity, he’ll be moving to Dallas.

It’s still not as stunningly vulgar as John Edwards’ dirt palace/masturbatorium, but George Bush’s new mansion does heat and cool itself using a special kind of fuel made from distilling the tears of orphans. CRIPPLED ORPHANS. CRIPPLED ORPHANS WHO WERE ABANDONED BY THEIR PARENTS BECAUSE THEY “WEREN’T PRETTY ENOUGH.”

He’ll hold onto the Crawford Ranch, but never visit it again, until his stocks tank and he gets a margin call and has to sell the thing for $400.

For Bush, Happy Trails to Crawford [Washington Post]

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donner_froh December 31, 2008 at 11:18 am

“because look at that tastefully decorated (ignore the old-lady chairs in that photo)”

Fat guys shouldn’t try to use lap desks.

Mr Blifil December 31, 2008 at 11:19 am

It bears comment that his whole “brush clearing” kabuki show was nothing but a scheme to punish reporters covering him by forcing them to stand out in the hot sun while he did something boring. In this way they hoped to discourage the best and brightest from desiring the gig and asking questions that he might find discomfiting. Worked pretty well, when one looks back on it all. In other words he’s a sick fucking sadist. I’m sure I’m the first to point that out.

shanemcgowan December 31, 2008 at 11:21 am

Snot rags are of use to people. Jr. treated the Constitution like a speed bump, something mildly annoying that is to be avoided at all cost.

Mr Blifil December 31, 2008 at 11:21 am

I thought he was going to convert the house to a refrigerated repository for discarded embryos taken from fertility clinics nationwide, to be used to fuel a Snowflake Baby factory, which will be built on the site he formerly used to “clear brush.”

actor212 December 31, 2008 at 11:22 am

Can we pool our money and buy the Crawford Ranch?

I was hoping to shoot some porn there.

Merry Christen December 31, 2008 at 11:24 am

Don’t forget about the suite they built for when Uncle Cheney or the Bush Daughters come to visit, complete with medical lab a la Dr. Mengele, Tibetan pleasure swings, baptismal pool (for waterboarding), extensive butt plug collection, whips, chains, restraints, and of course, sound proofing.
Let’s all hope this shrine to shitasticness was built atop a portal to the Other World, whence comes the Great Cthulu, the Eater of Souls, to be Laura’s new masseur and pool being.

magic titty December 31, 2008 at 11:25 am

Nice boots in that Wiki photo, Dubya.
Now go bye bye.

EnBuenOra December 31, 2008 at 11:25 am

Retitle: “For Bush, It’s Finally ‘Fuck Crawford, Fucking Shithole’.”

Monsieur Grumpe December 31, 2008 at 11:26 am

[re=207438]Mr Blifil[/re]:
So what is Bush going to do with himself without any brush to clear? Probably take up painting those plywood cutouts of fat ladies bending over for his front lawn. The neighbors are going to love that.

hobospacejungle December 31, 2008 at 11:26 am

And when he wants to read My Pet Goat cover-to-cover (not just selected chapters which undermine his understanding of the whole piece) it’s a short jaunt over to his personal library, which will be empty even during office hours because dick cheney will have shredded or magnetized all the paper and hard drive records of the last eight years.

problemwithcaring December 31, 2008 at 11:26 am

This story gives me a little nagging feeling that Bush hasn’t been completely honest with us, the American people for the past eight years, though I am probably just paranoid.

ManchuCandidate December 31, 2008 at 11:27 am

This probably won’t be the last we hear about the Crawford Ranch. Some GOoPer with more money than sense will buy it with the same logic Todd MacFarlane used to buy the Barry Bonds “73″ baseball.

Then stories will come out about how it was used as a “relaxation” ranch by NAMBLA, er, GOP operatives and all the ranch hands were prepubescent young boys.

queeraselvis v 2.0 December 31, 2008 at 11:28 am

I’m not so much disturbed by the 4,000 square foot house in Crawford as much as I am the jaw-dropping almost SIXTEEN HUNDRED ACRES surrounding it. Mind you, that’s probably where Cheney buried all the bodies of those who hath offended.

mylesfromnowhere December 31, 2008 at 11:37 am

I’m bettin Britol can wrangle a downpayment from photos of new baby Tripe and Trix the placenta.

mylesfromnowhere December 31, 2008 at 11:38 am

uhh…Bristol…rhymes with Kristol crap. nevermind

wheelie December 31, 2008 at 11:39 am

The stepladder for Bush’s bookcase can’t have gotten much use, unless he stashes his porn mags on the top shelf.

Mild Midwesterner December 31, 2008 at 11:41 am

Just another reason not to go to Texas.

Bruno December 31, 2008 at 11:43 am

[re=207449]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: 1600 acres. Tejas. Drill Baby Drill.

I think manually drilling for oil would be a productive use of his twilight years

Mr Blifil December 31, 2008 at 11:45 am

[re=207445]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: One thing’s for sure, he won’t be “brushing” up his Shakespeare

momus December 31, 2008 at 11:47 am

If he put his flight suit on, he would resemble my avatar, aka, Slim Pickins.

actor212 December 31, 2008 at 11:49 am

[re=207453]wheelie[/re]: “Heh heh, wash thes, Dick…Hey, Condi? Cud y’all climb up th’ ladder an git mah Bible?”

memzilla December 31, 2008 at 11:51 am

Crawford will be the future site of the Bush Presuhdenchul Liberry, complete with the largest Crayola collection in the world. Cheney will dedicate the Cthulu Wing, Rumsfeld will dedicate the Shub-Niggurath Annex.

choinski December 31, 2008 at 11:51 am

Looks like the photo that has that weird boxy like object attached to his back – like the one during the Kerry debate. What was up with that? I forget.

chascates December 31, 2008 at 11:52 am

The picture really shows his life is another version of ‘The Last Picture Show.’ He’s the ignorant asshole whose family gets him out of scrapes and into the big time. But he knows deep down that he’s just an asshole and hates everyone else for knowing it too.

Doglessliberal December 31, 2008 at 11:54 am

[re=207449]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: 1600 ac. is a small place in Texas, seriously.

Doglessliberal December 31, 2008 at 11:55 am

[re=207462]chascates[/re]: except I don’t think he does know. I think he is the least self-aware human on earth.

ph7 December 31, 2008 at 11:55 am

[re=207441]actor212[/re]: Scene One: Josh Brolin clears Cindy Sheehan “brush” with a Mach III razor in the W. bedroom

regisgoat December 31, 2008 at 11:56 am

We really have to ask ourselves what the hell this is about. Is the place indefensible from intruders? Is the secret service saying “we cannot be responsible for your safety if you’re there”? Or is it Pickles who said “fuck it, I’ve had it, the place is too remote”? Or is W. in some kind of frail health and has been forbidden to uproot trees and torment animals by his doctors? Or does Barney need dialysis 3 times a week and they have to be in Dallas so it can happen?
I do like the idea of the place as being designed as a boot camp for reporters, or a place to roast foreign dignitaries in the blazing sun until they’re ready to give in to the Iraq invasion (as seen in the movie W.).

WadISay December 31, 2008 at 12:05 pm

[re=207445]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:

…those plywood cutouts of fat ladies bending over for his front lawn.

If you are hunting fat guys, these are referred to as “decoys”.

SayItWithWookies December 31, 2008 at 12:05 pm

It’s not too much of a move — he’s just going from “all hat and no cattle” to “all Dallas and no Texas.”

Min December 31, 2008 at 12:10 pm

Oh, no! All that brush isn’t going to clear itself, you know.

queeraselvis v 2.0 December 31, 2008 at 12:15 pm

[re=207463]Doglessliberal[/re]: I hear ya. I used to live in Austin and worked in the Hill Country, so I know of those big-ass ranches. It just about killed me when Georgie said that he and Laura liked to have neighbors “drop by” when they were in residence at Prairie Chapel. Doubtless “dropping by” entailed use of a helicopter or private jet.

sevenrepeat December 31, 2008 at 12:16 pm

The “old lady” chairs make it look like Laura Ashley took a dump in that beautiful oasis.

Uncle Al December 31, 2008 at 12:19 pm

[re=207453]wheelie[/re]: “The stepladder for Bush’s bookcase can’t have gotten much use, unless he stashes his porn mags on the top shelf.”

Yeah and I love how you can see that on 3 of the shelves, the books all look exactly the same, like Laura the Librarian noticed they had all that embarrassing empty space, so she ordered the complete Reader’s Digest Collection of Classics That Nobody Reads, with genuine 24-carat gold lettering on beautiful cowhide bindings etc.

Cape Clod December 31, 2008 at 12:21 pm

I was hoping that he would move back to Greenwich, CT and drop that lame ass, phony Texas accent just to show the world what a complete, absolute fraud of a human being he is.

S.Luggo December 31, 2008 at 12:26 pm

[re=207443]magic titty[/re]: I like the Martian hat he’s wearing in the photo. It explains so much about his presidency.

sevenrepeat December 31, 2008 at 12:27 pm

do you think the giant empty bowl perched above W’s head is symbolic?

lin December 31, 2008 at 12:28 pm

It was a set. He bought it right after he and Karl interviewed for the job with George Schultz and got the go ahead. The set wasnt even completed before he took office. It was a place where he could Reaganesquesly chop wood, but he fucked things up so bad nobody gave a shit, so he never went back.

dannygutters December 31, 2008 at 12:34 pm

are you crazy, you can’t write memoirs on a ranch!

actor212 December 31, 2008 at 12:36 pm

[re=207465]ph7[/re]: Bow-wow-wa-chica!

actor212 December 31, 2008 at 12:37 pm

[re=207480]Cape Clod[/re]: Connecticut has an income tax! You know what these Republicans are like!

JoeWiseGuy1 December 31, 2008 at 12:39 pm

Hey Y’all, iz it jist me or did y’all notice when “BIG Oil” Bush came into office gas prices shot up? Now he iz leavin the prices drop bak down to about the same level.

Hmmm… Maybe that iz how he can afford the new place near Dallas. Oh yeah, can we mak a citizin arrest on him fur not wearin a seatbelt while he iz drinkin and drivin?

shortsshortsshorts December 31, 2008 at 12:40 pm


Doglessliberal December 31, 2008 at 12:43 pm

[re=207475]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: of course, because if you need more oil for jet fuel, you just drill. It will last forever!

chascates December 31, 2008 at 12:47 pm

From the Wikipedia entry for Prairie Chapel Ranch:
“Overnight visitors stay in the main house . . . or in a double-wide five-bedroom three-bath mobile home, decorated in an early Pottery Barn motif according to a staffer.”
Now that’s real Texas class.

MARCdMan December 31, 2008 at 12:50 pm

[re=207495]chascates[/re]: That double-wide was probably Jenna’s wedding night lovenest.

p-Sludge December 31, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Famous republican aristocrat sir charles barkley was arrested for DUI. just DUI? Maybe pedo bear would be interested in checking his trunk?

AnnieGetYourFun December 31, 2008 at 12:54 pm


It’s that Chinese girl who actually sang at the Olympics, right? I knew she’d find a purpose in life.

Miller December 31, 2008 at 12:59 pm

He’s abandoning Crawford because too many hippie douchebags know the address. Plus when the Depression hits do you think he wants Cindy Sheehan and every unemployed person out in front of the ranch in mockingly named Bushville tin tenement shacks? No, best to go live in the housing development where blacks weren’t allowed to live from 1950-2000.

robanybody December 31, 2008 at 1:04 pm

So he’s selling the image ranch Rove conjured for his presidential run, and now he’s moving in next to the Clampetts in high-class Dallas where he belongs. Rosita will clean the house, including his beer-vomit, which will be on her daily chore list, and Jorge will keep up the yard. He’ll spend his off-hours reminiscing with Hannity and Rush about how he saved America, and his Bush Institute will focus on discouraging family planning in the world’s poorest nations and mounting behind-the-scenes strongarm campaigns to kill pesky environmental laws. Cheney and all the others will drop by regularly to plot the next Freedom War, scheduled to take place as soon as his brother Jeb is sworn in. No surprises, I would guess.

Or, I don’t know, maybe he’ll just drink a lot and abuse his wife and family.

actor212 December 31, 2008 at 1:07 pm

[re=207496]MARCdMan[/re]: That’s no way to talk about her sex toys…double-wide, indeed!

TeddyS December 31, 2008 at 1:10 pm

You Libtards are wrong again! Our fine, Christian President is appropriately moving to a secure location in Dallas, which is still in Texas, by God! He will be able to see Texas from his front porch! You thought he was going to cave in to his old snotty preppy upraisings and move back to the root cellar in the fambly mansions in New England. Nope. He’s the genuine real deal, a real American. Mission Accomplished!

shortsshortsshorts December 31, 2008 at 1:25 pm

[re=207500]Miller[/re]: Dude we’ve all been tolerating you posting your damned blog on this site for a long time, and then I noticed that you have a big list of “liberal wankery” blogs on your blog thing, and Wonkette isn’t listed.


hockeymom December 31, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Each one of those books is hollowed out and is hiding a bottle of Jim Beam.

[re=207497]p-Sludge[/re]: Barkley left the republican party. Don’t know if he’s a dem or a paultard now, just guess that he realized that he was black and wtf.

undermedicated December 31, 2008 at 1:29 pm

[re=207461]choinski[/re]: I agree, what the fuck is up with his wearing a box on his back while he drives his F-150 around the compound? Presumably it’s not only for transmitting commands to his earhole, but is also transmitting the video feed from his fake eyeball to a monitor in Dick Cheney’s man-sized safe, from which the Prince of Darkness is whispering gently that Georgie should turn left to run over some Mexican or old lawyer or something. Or maybe just to head into town and pick up a fresh pair of TRUCKNUTZ.

Vanity Smurf December 31, 2008 at 1:29 pm

[re=207449]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: For those of you raised in the city, 1600 acres is NOTHING in Texas. There are ranches in Texas that are larger than the whole fucking state of TAXACHUSETTS. That whole ranch, house included, isn’t worth much more than 2 million dollars — on a good day. It’s fucking Crawford.

Vanity Smurf December 31, 2008 at 1:32 pm

[re=207469]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Are you from Fort Worth?

Monsieur Grumpe December 31, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Yeah Miller. Double what the Shorts said.

HuskyMescan December 31, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Republicans use ranches and children as political props. Of course!
F-150′s suck cockass. Dodge Rams and TruckNutz 4 Evah!

Cape Clod December 31, 2008 at 2:42 pm

[re=207461]choinski[/re]: [re=207534]undermedicated[/re]: It’s an electronic communications leash the Secret Service put on him. When pictures of him appearing to have a hump during the debates with Kerry, the speculation was that he was using the same device as the one in the picture above. They are about the same size.

plowman December 31, 2008 at 2:45 pm

Poor Libtards, 1600 acres ain’t SHIT in Tejas! I got PISTOLS that’ll shoot further than that…

JoeWiseGuy1 December 31, 2008 at 3:11 pm

That dare box on hiz bak iz a empty shoe box jist in case someone else tosses shoes at him. He iz a re-gifter…

HuskyMescan December 31, 2008 at 3:14 pm

[re=207614]Cape Clod[/re]: Yup, and they recently uncovered what the device was:

sanantonerose December 31, 2008 at 4:00 pm

The fat bald guy in that pic. Is that Powell’s pal? The one that Ross Perot hates so much?

TeddyS December 31, 2008 at 4:31 pm

If 1600 acres ain’t shit in Texas, then I assume that the village idiot is moving to a 1600-acre spread in Dallas?

Hedley Lamar December 31, 2008 at 11:29 pm

[re=207502]robanybody[/re]: Damn, that’s about as good a prediction of the future as I’ve ever read. Well done.

iburl January 1, 2009 at 12:25 am

As a Dallasite in my formative years, i love this sentence:)

“Now that he no longer has to keep up even an appearance of normalcy or sanity, he’ll be moving to Dallas.”

schvitzatura January 1, 2009 at 6:44 am

Prairie Chapel will be disassembled, brick by environmentally-conscious brick, and shipped south for reconstruction on the Alto Chaco in Paraguay.

Scooter January 1, 2009 at 9:47 am

Whatever will become of the horses? Ya know, every bona fide cowboy has his favorite horse he can’t live without. Remember all those pictures of Whistleass riding his horse? Yeah, me neither. Surely a big brave Texan like Dubya isn’t AFRAID of horses is he?

dijetlo January 1, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=207441]actor212[/re]: Guckert/Gannon beat you to the punch babe.

smellyal8r January 1, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=207444]EnBuenOra[/re]: Uhhh…actually that’s the direct quote from Laura Bush. Word in Texas is that she hated going to that dust pile (and having to summer there).

DustBowlBlues January 1, 2009 at 11:28 pm

I vote that he turn his pretend ranch into a museum dedicated to the armadillo.

DustBowlBlues January 1, 2009 at 11:39 pm

For all the talk about clearing brush, did anyone ever notice that the moron doesn’t know how to use a chain saw? He pulls is toward him. His poor Secret Service agents probably all thought, “great. Not only do I have to risk taking a bullet for this infantile asshole, I might have to lose a limb to protect that nitwit.”

He was, is, and always be a spoiled, mediocre trust fund baby who throws tantrums until he gets his way and likes to pretend he’s a cowboy by wearing that silly hat. As Bill Maher pointed out, “When you dress like a cowboy and you aren’t, then it’s a costume. You might as well be dressed like a pirate.

prophet1195 January 2, 2009 at 11:43 am

Bush sold the ranch to Jeb fer some purty beads an a chunk of turquoise.

Chief Grinning Eagle January 2, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Gee, there I thought W planned to die and take the Crawford Ranch with him. How disappointing.

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