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'I wish I knew how to quit you.'One of the only nifty things about our soon-to-be-former President George W. Bush was his ranch house in Crawford, Texas. It was environmentally awesome, you see! Geothermal heat, underground rainwater collection tanks, native plants all over the place, built out of cheap local limestone — Prairie Chapel Ranch was Bush’s secret hippie paradise. Sometimes when he acted like a real jerk, all lying us into war and bombing places and extraditing terror suspects to scary Polish prisons and using the Constitution as a snot rag, we would think, “Well, he can’t be one hundred percent awful, because look at that tastefully decorated (ignore the old-lady chairs in that photo) and relatively small house he spends all his time in.” Now that he no longer has to keep up even an appearance of normalcy or sanity, he’ll be moving to Dallas.

It’s still not as stunningly vulgar as John Edwards’ dirt palace/masturbatorium, but George Bush’s new mansion does heat and cool itself using a special kind of fuel made from distilling the tears of orphans. CRIPPLED ORPHANS. CRIPPLED ORPHANS WHO WERE ABANDONED BY THEIR PARENTS BECAUSE THEY “WEREN’T PRETTY ENOUGH.”

He’ll hold onto the Crawford Ranch, but never visit it again, until his stocks tank and he gets a margin call and has to sell the thing for $400.

For Bush, Happy Trails to Crawford [Washington Post]

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75 COMMENTS

  1. It bears comment that his whole “brush clearing” kabuki show was nothing but a scheme to punish reporters covering him by forcing them to stand out in the hot sun while he did something boring. In this way they hoped to discourage the best and brightest from desiring the gig and asking questions that he might find discomfiting. Worked pretty well, when one looks back on it all. In other words he’s a sick fucking sadist. I’m sure I’m the first to point that out.

  2. I thought he was going to convert the house to a refrigerated repository for discarded embryos taken from fertility clinics nationwide, to be used to fuel a Snowflake Baby factory, which will be built on the site he formerly used to “clear brush.”

  3. Don’t forget about the suite they built for when Uncle Cheney or the Bush Daughters come to visit, complete with medical lab a la Dr. Mengele, Tibetan pleasure swings, baptismal pool (for waterboarding), extensive butt plug collection, whips, chains, restraints, and of course, sound proofing.
    Let’s all hope this shrine to shitasticness was built atop a portal to the Other World, whence comes the Great Cthulu, the Eater of Souls, to be Laura’s new masseur and pool being.

  4. [re=207438]Mr Blifil[/re]:
    So what is Bush going to do with himself without any brush to clear? Probably take up painting those plywood cutouts of fat ladies bending over for his front lawn. The neighbors are going to love that.

  5. And when he wants to read My Pet Goat cover-to-cover (not just selected chapters which undermine his understanding of the whole piece) it’s a short jaunt over to his personal library, which will be empty even during office hours because dick cheney will have shredded or magnetized all the paper and hard drive records of the last eight years.

  6. This story gives me a little nagging feeling that Bush hasn’t been completely honest with us, the American people for the past eight years, though I am probably just paranoid.

  7. This probably won’t be the last we hear about the Crawford Ranch. Some GOoPer with more money than sense will buy it with the same logic Todd MacFarlane used to buy the Barry Bonds “73” baseball.

    Then stories will come out about how it was used as a “relaxation” ranch by NAMBLA, er, GOP operatives and all the ranch hands were prepubescent young boys.

  8. I’m not so much disturbed by the 4,000 square foot house in Crawford as much as I am the jaw-dropping almost SIXTEEN HUNDRED ACRES surrounding it. Mind you, that’s probably where Cheney buried all the bodies of those who hath offended.

  9. Crawford will be the future site of the Bush Presuhdenchul Liberry, complete with the largest Crayola collection in the world. Cheney will dedicate the Cthulu Wing, Rumsfeld will dedicate the Shub-Niggurath Annex.

  10. The picture really shows his life is another version of ‘The Last Picture Show.’ He’s the ignorant asshole whose family gets him out of scrapes and into the big time. But he knows deep down that he’s just an asshole and hates everyone else for knowing it too.

  11. We really have to ask ourselves what the hell this is about. Is the place indefensible from intruders? Is the secret service saying “we cannot be responsible for your safety if you’re there”? Or is it Pickles who said “fuck it, I’ve had it, the place is too remote”? Or is W. in some kind of frail health and has been forbidden to uproot trees and torment animals by his doctors? Or does Barney need dialysis 3 times a week and they have to be in Dallas so it can happen?
    I do like the idea of the place as being designed as a boot camp for reporters, or a place to roast foreign dignitaries in the blazing sun until they’re ready to give in to the Iraq invasion (as seen in the movie W.).

  12. [re=207445]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:

    …those plywood cutouts of fat ladies bending over for his front lawn.

    If you are hunting fat guys, these are referred to as “decoys”.

  13. [re=207463]Doglessliberal[/re]: I hear ya. I used to live in Austin and worked in the Hill Country, so I know of those big-ass ranches. It just about killed me when Georgie said that he and Laura liked to have neighbors “drop by” when they were in residence at Prairie Chapel. Doubtless “dropping by” entailed use of a helicopter or private jet.

  14. [re=207453]wheelie[/re]: “The stepladder for Bush’s bookcase can’t have gotten much use, unless he stashes his porn mags on the top shelf.”

    Yeah and I love how you can see that on 3 of the shelves, the books all look exactly the same, like Laura the Librarian noticed they had all that embarrassing empty space, so she ordered the complete Reader’s Digest Collection of Classics That Nobody Reads, with genuine 24-carat gold lettering on beautiful cowhide bindings etc.

  15. I was hoping that he would move back to Greenwich, CT and drop that lame ass, phony Texas accent just to show the world what a complete, absolute fraud of a human being he is.

  16. It was a set. He bought it right after he and Karl interviewed for the job with George Schultz and got the go ahead. The set wasnt even completed before he took office. It was a place where he could Reaganesquesly chop wood, but he fucked things up so bad nobody gave a shit, so he never went back.

  17. Hey Y’all, iz it jist me or did y’all notice when “BIG Oil” Bush came into office gas prices shot up? Now he iz leavin the prices drop bak down to about the same level.

    Hmmm… Maybe that iz how he can afford the new place near Dallas. Oh yeah, can we mak a citizin arrest on him fur not wearin a seatbelt while he iz drinkin and drivin?

  18. From the Wikipedia entry for Prairie Chapel Ranch:
    “Overnight visitors stay in the main house . . . or in a double-wide five-bedroom three-bath mobile home, decorated in an early Pottery Barn motif according to a staffer.”
    Now that’s real Texas class.

  19. “CRIPPLED ORPHANS WHO WERE ABANDONED BY THEIR PARENTS BECAUSE THEY “WEREN’T PRETTY ENOUGH.”

    It’s that Chinese girl who actually sang at the Olympics, right? I knew she’d find a purpose in life.

  20. He’s abandoning Crawford because too many hippie douchebags know the address. Plus when the Depression hits do you think he wants Cindy Sheehan and every unemployed person out in front of the ranch in mockingly named Bushville tin tenement shacks? No, best to go live in the housing development where blacks weren’t allowed to live from 1950-2000.

    http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/

  21. So he’s selling the image ranch Rove conjured for his presidential run, and now he’s moving in next to the Clampetts in high-class Dallas where he belongs. Rosita will clean the house, including his beer-vomit, which will be on her daily chore list, and Jorge will keep up the yard. He’ll spend his off-hours reminiscing with Hannity and Rush about how he saved America, and his Bush Institute will focus on discouraging family planning in the world’s poorest nations and mounting behind-the-scenes strongarm campaigns to kill pesky environmental laws. Cheney and all the others will drop by regularly to plot the next Freedom War, scheduled to take place as soon as his brother Jeb is sworn in. No surprises, I would guess.

    Or, I don’t know, maybe he’ll just drink a lot and abuse his wife and family.

  22. You Libtards are wrong again! Our fine, Christian President is appropriately moving to a secure location in Dallas, which is still in Texas, by God! He will be able to see Texas from his front porch! You thought he was going to cave in to his old snotty preppy upraisings and move back to the root cellar in the fambly mansions in New England. Nope. He’s the genuine real deal, a real American. Mission Accomplished!

  23. [re=207500]Miller[/re]: Dude we’ve all been tolerating you posting your damned blog on this site for a long time, and then I noticed that you have a big list of “liberal wankery” blogs on your blog thing, and Wonkette isn’t listed.

    Dick.

  24. Each one of those books is hollowed out and is hiding a bottle of Jim Beam.

    [re=207497]p-Sludge[/re]: Barkley left the republican party. Don’t know if he’s a dem or a paultard now, just guess that he realized that he was black and wtf.

  25. [re=207461]choinski[/re]: I agree, what the fuck is up with his wearing a box on his back while he drives his F-150 around the compound? Presumably it’s not only for transmitting commands to his earhole, but is also transmitting the video feed from his fake eyeball to a monitor in Dick Cheney’s man-sized safe, from which the Prince of Darkness is whispering gently that Georgie should turn left to run over some Mexican or old lawyer or something. Or maybe just to head into town and pick up a fresh pair of TRUCKNUTZ.

  26. [re=207449]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: For those of you raised in the city, 1600 acres is NOTHING in Texas. There are ranches in Texas that are larger than the whole fucking state of TAXACHUSETTS. That whole ranch, house included, isn’t worth much more than 2 million dollars — on a good day. It’s fucking Crawford.

  27. As a Dallasite in my formative years, i love this sentence:)

    “Now that he no longer has to keep up even an appearance of normalcy or sanity, he’ll be moving to Dallas.”

  28. Prairie Chapel will be disassembled, brick by environmentally-conscious brick, and shipped south for reconstruction on the Alto Chaco in Paraguay.

  29. Whatever will become of the horses? Ya know, every bona fide cowboy has his favorite horse he can’t live without. Remember all those pictures of Whistleass riding his horse? Yeah, me neither. Surely a big brave Texan like Dubya isn’t AFRAID of horses is he?

  30. [re=207444]EnBuenOra[/re]: Uhhh…actually that’s the direct quote from Laura Bush. Word in Texas is that she hated going to that dust pile (and having to summer there).

  31. For all the talk about clearing brush, did anyone ever notice that the moron doesn’t know how to use a chain saw? He pulls is toward him. His poor Secret Service agents probably all thought, “great. Not only do I have to risk taking a bullet for this infantile asshole, I might have to lose a limb to protect that nitwit.”

    He was, is, and always be a spoiled, mediocre trust fund baby who throws tantrums until he gets his way and likes to pretend he’s a cowboy by wearing that silly hat. As Bill Maher pointed out, “When you dress like a cowboy and you aren’t, then it’s a costume. You might as well be dressed like a pirate.

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