Roland Burris Has Already Constructed His Terrifying Death Chamber

  oh so he's a psychopath

Wonkette grave-robbing operative “Vasyl” sends us this hilarious bit of information about your would-be new junior Senator from Illinois, Roland “Don’t Lynch Me” Burris: “Just so you know, that nice old black man who is set to become the next US Senator from Illinois is well prepared. He has already built a tombstone — actually, more of a monument — with all his accomplishments listed on it. Planning ahead, he has left extra space for additional accomplishments. Also, Roland Burris’s children? They’re named Roland II and Rolanda. No joke.” HMM… It appears that there is much to learn about this so-called “Roland Burris.” [Flickr]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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105 comments

  1. chascates

    Does this mean Illinois has more corrupt politicians than Alaska? Or is it just because Illinois has more people to start with?

  2. Vanity Smurf

    [re=207022]SayItWithWookies[/re]: They’re for the grandkids to put plastic flowers in when they come visit the grave.

  3. bhosp

    LOLOL at the nickname there.

    “Don’t lynch me, bro!” needs to become an internet tradition, so I can get familiar with it.

  4. Doglessliberal

    I worry when living people start building monuments to themselves. Does he sign his correspondence “Your Exalted Leader”?

  5. el_chupacabra

    hmm. that thing looks ripe for vandalism. how hard would it be to knock one of those pillars over–bring down the roof. not hard i suspect. hey… i live in Illinois…

  6. SayItWithWookies

    [re=207032]Vanity Smurf[/re]: I think they should be larger and bellow flame while a giant hologram head of Mr. Trailblazer himself hangs between them imparting words of wisdom.

  7. Bruno

    I wish I had so many accomplishments that I needed extra space called “Other Major Accomplishments” on my tombstone. Sorry to rain on the parade here, but couldn’t you just say “Minor Accomplishments”? (Fewer letters = Savings on tombstone carving costs)

  8. magic titty

    So … he basically just screwed Clyde “The Glide” Drexler out of his epitaph?

    Fucking dickhead.

  9. magic titty

    [re=207046]Bruno[/re]: Maybe it’s a resume, assuming that ‘cryogenics thing’ really takes off.

  10. Trollop

    My favorite part is the bench, so visitors are able to sit and reflect on the myriad accomplishments of the Burrises. Wonder if he already has the granite engraver hired to add ‘First African-American in Illinois to … buy a Senate seat from Blago’

  11. Vewol Mevemont

    Why do megalomaniacs always have such horrible taste in design? This monument looks like an overwrought outhouse.

  12. Hamster

    Jesus, he needs a couple radon detectors for that fucking thing. Where is the button that makes Jor-El talk?

  13. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=207051]Pat Pending[/re]:
    Brilliant idea! We can make fortune selling cheese monuments to Packer fans.

  14. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=207050]magic titty[/re]: I was more concerned about Bill Walton, but yeah, that was my point.

  15. donner_froh

    Blago might have wanted to appoint Ray Burris, hard-throwing right hander for the Chicago Cubs during the 1970s.

  16. sevenrepeat

    They shouldn’t burris him, oops, I mean bury him underneath. They should prop his rotting carcass up on the bench so that passer byers can stop and chat with him and enjoy his pearls of wisdom while drinking a hot cup of joe.

  17. slavojzizek

    Breaking news: Vicki Iseman suing the New York Times, presumably for pointing out that John McCain has a plastic middle age blonde fetish.

  18. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=207063]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: My thoughts exactly. All it’s missing is a lovely Johnny On The Spot to make the whole abomination complete.

  19. Come here a minute

    [re=207055]actor212[/re]: Have a seat … but not in the back! You are the Rosa Parks of marble memorial bus stops.

  20. 4tehlulz

    [re=207061]kapish[/re]: If Caroline Kennedy built her own tomb ahead of time, would that mean she’s qualified?

  21. sarcasticusername

    this goes a long way toward explaining why the hell he’d want this senate seat, he clearly needed a little more crazy to to fill up that space on his tomb shrine.

  22. grevillea

    [re=207068]sevenrepeat[/re]: By the time he has some more Major Accomplishments, they’ll need to embalm him for visitors to view, a la Lenin.

  23. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=207061]kapish[/re]: It doesn’t matter. JFK had shit-sack experience, but he still got in because he was a Kennedy and for no other reason. You have to keep Kennedys in office. IT IS TRADITION PEOPLE.

  24. jagorev

    [re=207034]Bruno[/re]: I believe National Review will post damning evidence that he paid for this tombstone with a subprime mortgage from Fannie Mae arranged by the ACORNS and enabled by the Community Reinvestment Act, because he’s black and urban and all that.

  25. Bruno

    [re=207085]grevillea[/re]: Damn, was just about to mention Lenin and Ho Chi Minh. Now those guys know how to create a tomb. There’s still time for Burris to expand parts of this with glass coffins for him & his misses

  26. Fivetree

    Where was this picture taken? In Egypt? In the Valley of the Kings? Seriously, when he dies do his wife and children and servants have to be slaughtered so they can be buried with him? What is up with the Roland and Rolanda shit? I know Senators are, by definition, egotists but this is batshit crazy stuff.

  27. Tom

    From covering Burris back in the 80s, I recall him as simultaneously a nice guy and something of an egomaniac. He was personable, seemed to know what he was doing, and tended to refer to himself in the third person A LOT. So this pre-tomb doesn’t surprise me. He did get elected to statewide office several times, but kept running long after he stopped winning, becoming one of those guys whose first two names are “Perennial Candidate.” Still, in picking a qualified senator, Blagojavich could have done much worse.

  28. Paul Tardy

    So if you kick over a grave marker, and the person whose grave is being marked is still alive, have you desecrated the dead? Just asking?

    Is Burris among the pre-dead?

    “Burris-henge”, I like that.

    “monumental hubris” – you mean monumental hu-Burris

    It’s good to have a Senator that knows how to watch his spending, did he pay for it with a home equity loan? Anyway nice to see that he is not leaving his heirs with the responsibility of building a monument to himself.

  29. crikey_booya

    Looks like there is plenty of room to chisel “First African American from Illinois to be refused a seat in the US Senate.”

  30. Scandalabra

    This sort of self-aggrandizement is worthy of the great Jayne Mansfield, but not a US senator. My living will instructs my friends to throw my ashes out with the morning’s coffee grounds and last night’s vodka bottle.

  31. Bruno

    OK, it is settled. He must be undead, i.e., a Zombie Senator.

    Karl Rove, I suspect you can have a long future advising this man.

  32. TJBeck

    [re=207154]Paul Tardy[/re]: I was thinking the exact same think. I want to knock the shit out of this thing, or at the very least carve a bunch of swear words into it with a grinder. I mean, I guess it’s still vandalism, but not grave desecration.

  33. regisgoat

    [re=207170]Scandalabra[/re]: Actually, I’ve been to Jayne Mansfield’s tasteful gravesite in Pen Argyl. It was nothing like this egotastical monstrosity, evincing as it does Ambrose Bierce’s idea that “the mausoleum is the final and funniest folly of the rich.”

  34. President Beeblebrox

    So why is there a birthdate on the “his” end (“ROLAND W. BURRIS, ESQ. AUGUST 3, 1957″) but not on the “hers” end (“BERLEAN MILLER BURRIS, R.N., PH.D. MASTER OF ARTS IN BIBLICAL STUDIES A SERVANT OF GOD”)? Is his wife one of the Undead?

    At least Leona Helmsley had the good taste to put an oak door on her mausoleum…

    http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/03lW1ZGeaXaSV/610x.jpg

  35. kapish

    Oh, I agree that you have to keep Kennedys in office! Tradition totally rules.
    A big tomb ahead of time is always a nice touch though. Mine will be made from adobe – with vegas, latias, anat.

  36. Chief Grinning Eagle

    I want my epitaph to read: “I expected a mausoleum, and all I got was this lousy grave!”

  37. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=207063]Vewol Mevemont[/re]: I don’t think it goes nearly far enough. The gray is staid and it would be tasteful if it was 1000000000% smaller. I figure if you are going to built a tomb, make it REALLY garish, you know? Black or white marble with pink and gold accents. Sheesh. Have Russian mobsters taught us NOTHING?

  38. Toomush Infermashun

    Wait, I think that’s the bar I usually drink at after work…or is it before work…anyway, set me up again….

  39. President Beeblebrox

    [re=207238]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Well, the Мафия have taught us to get 2x life size laser-engraved portraits of ourselves on our tombstones, preferably clutching the keys to the last Mercedes we drove before our untimely demise, and a big huge gold Orthodox cross on top of everything…

  40. Jollity

    If you went to visit that thing at the right time, you could doubtless see a homeless person asleep under there. Or teenage goths, doing whatever necro-nerdy things they do. Two groups of people who support Burris already.

  41. ivenson

    [re=207267]Jollity[/re]: I have no doubt that, if you set up 24 hr surveillance, you could get some excellent shots of Burris himself sitting on that bench and reflecting on his own accomplishments. Nutjob.

    It really needs some shiny brass or mirrors to complete the effect, though.

  42. pourmecoffee

    You know what word you don’t often see on a grave? Comptroller. You know what word I am certain that you never see three times on a grave, except here? Comptroller.

  43. President Beeblebrox

    [re=207295]pourmecoffee[/re]: It’s certainly the only gravestone/mausoleum I’ve ever seen with bullet points. Sort of like a carved PowerPoint presentation.

  44. Jollity

    [re=207288]ivenson[/re]: Perhaps that’s why there aren’t any homeless people cuddling bottles/teenage goth couples sharing an uncomfortable fumble under there right now. That valuable bedspace is being hogged by Burris. That’s no way to treat the homeless and goth communities! I’ll have to retract my statement about their support if he carries on like this!

  45. Kotter

    [re=207089]jagorev[/re]: And even better, it’ll somehow involve registering “Mickey Mouse” and “Jive R. Turkey” as registered voters in urban Chicago!

  46. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=207315]Kotter[/re]: Wow. ACORN. Jesus, that feels like it was more than a couple of months ago.

  47. shelwood

    [re=207219]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Just so no one else is left boggling at the idea that Mr. Burris is 51: he was actually born in 1937.

  48. Kotter

    [re=207317]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Indeed. I still can’t believe that an election cycle that epic and dramatic ever came to end. :p

  49. Bruno

    [re=207236]Darehead[/re]: I guess he expects Roland Jr. and Rolanda to never have lives of their own and be forced to be buried next to Mama & Papa, leaving their babies cold somewhere else.

    Seriously, I never got why someone thinks their decomposing body deserves to take up valuable real estate for eternity. If I don’t get the cement shoes treatment, I want my dust scattered near Barry’s granmas. Much classier

  50. Bruno

    [re=207219]President Beeblebrox[/re]: ‘Servants of God’ are not Born, they are created.

    Plus, its well established by now she is also the Zombie wife of the Zombie Senator

  51. President Beeblebrox

    [re=207340]shelwood[/re]: Yes, I misread his birth year, having been overawed by the two panels of his Other Major Accomplishments.

    Hm, he’s not going to be able to carve ” • FIRST AFRICAN-AMERICAN SENATOR FROM ILLINOIS” on his death-tomb, thanks to Carol Moseley Braun. But he is good at parsing out his firsts, like being the first non-CPA member of the Illinois CPA Society, so mebbe it’ll be ” • FIRST MALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN SENATOR FROM ILLINOIS”?

  52. Bruno

    [re=207378]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I think he can still get away with saying he the first from Illinois – after all Barry isn’t from Illinois, he was born in Kenya.

  53. Bruno

    [re=207378]President Beeblebrox[/re]:
    • FIRST former non-CPA member of the Illinois CPA society to become the first african-american US senator born in Illinois to be nominated to the senate by our Serbian overlord

  54. JoeWiseGuy1

    All Y’All aint seein the BIG picture… All yur seein iz the Servant’s Quarters that iz behin Blagojevich’s “Death Monument”. Da picture yur seein iz takin from the furst step of Blagojevich’s monument, which iz still under construction. That monument iz lik the tower of Babel rizen to the heavens (need to read the Bible about that tower).

    Blagojevich built Burris’s monument cuz Burris aint got insight fur that, or anything. That iz y he wuz Comptroller. (HAR! HAR! HAR!)

  55. Unindicted Co-Conspirator

    [re=207097]Fivetree[/re]:
    It’s in Oak Woods Cemetery
    1035 E. 67th Street
    Chicago
    About a mile south of the University of Chicago.

  56. moredcai1945

    Building your own fancypants tomb before you’re dead obviously isn’t that uncommon. I remember seeing a photo of Col. Harland Sanders visiting his own crypt while he was still very much alive. But this is a bit much. Burris may be clean in reputation, but his ego is more than intact. And Roland II and Rolanda? Very Michael Jackson of him.

  57. Kotter

    In addition, Burris remarked that he couldn’t have possibly made contributions to Blagojevich’s re-election campaign as MSNBC questioned because “[he] don’t have that kind of money”. Right.

    You stay classy, Roland.

  58. hambone

    I wonder whether the reason Burris is working hard to get his appointment approved, is JUST to have it carved on his tomb as another accomplishment.

  59. Crys Talon

    Hmmm lets erect a giant granite genital with our name on it and chisel our accomplishments onto it……….all the while being under the scrutiny of millions…….You should have put I’m a dumbass right next to your name

  60. Brian Richard Allen

    Fivetree says he knows that “… senators are, by definition, egotists but this is batshit crazy stuff.”

    Gee whiz, Fivetree, you’ve used a few reundancies, there.

    But then, redundacies be damned, eh? Let’s not lose the mood!

    So, throw in a 55-odd millions of, “morons,” of “criminal aliens” and of “felons” — and five million “crypto-fascists,” several score millions of “sufferers of the FasciSSocialist Psychosis” and of “Bush and Palin Derangement Syndrome,” some “Gore-Bull Warmingistas!” (And, while on the subject of the intra-party likes of ol’ Al-Fredo Gore-leone, there, at least a dozen, “world’s most dangerous dullard’s”)

    Then add scores of thousands of “recidivist,” a couple of hundred thousand apiece of “looter” and “liar” and “thief” and “serial war-profiteer” (the Kennedy and Johnson Crime families leap to mind) and “warmonger” (the Kennedy and Johnson Crime families leap to mind) and (more often as not at the same time) “traitor,” of “mass-murderer” and “co-serial-rapist.” (Of state and feral gummint employees, page boys and interns but also, systematically, of the United States Constitution) — and a million “dhimmicraps.”

    And you have by now already pretty well described the United States Congress, Supreme Court, mobbed-up-unionized dhimmicrap-activist commandeered feral bureaucracy, every fiat feral bench and almost every president from the perpetrator of the world’s greatest-ever Ponzi Scam and traitor, Roosevelt (and his richly Soviet-agent larded “administration — still insidiously and deadly-dangerously well-established and self-perpetuating at Foggy Bottom) — through the hopelessly habitually-drunken, Johnson, the haplessly hatred-driven dirty little commy bast**d, Carter and the execrable Billy-Bubbah Blythe (Alias: “Cli’ton”) and his loathsome and fearsome FBI-Files owning and, “miraculously” soon-to-be secretary of state, (now THERE’s a coincidence!) “spouse:” Missus Billy-Bubbah Blythe. (Refer to: “world’s most dangerous dullard’s,” above)

    And now (if we haven’t Left anyone out) we’re Right up to the present pretender to the office once so squalidly be-squatted and be-manured by a number of the above.

    To, that is, the self and own culture loathing, Stalinist-Saul-Alinsky lick-spittle/rabble-rouser and all-around mobbed-up Marxist murtadd Muslim Arab-African: ol’ Missus B Hussein bin B Hussayn bin Hussayn Muhummad Ubama, herself — and with HER rollicking-with-ratbags and razor-thin resume-equipped … um … um … erghh — agh … um … aghhhhhh-um …. “spouse!”

    God save our beloved fraternal republic.

    God save us all!

    And a Happy New Year to us all.

    Cordially

    Brian Richard Allen
    Los Angeles – CalifUBAMAcated 90028 — & the Far Abroad

  61. Chautauqua

    How are they going to get him under that edifice? Maybe, a reporter can ask him the square footage and ala John McCain, he’ll muble around for a sec and say: I’ll have a staff member get back to you.

  62. Holden Caulfield

    [re=207976]Brian Richard Allen[/re]: Roosevelt (and his richly Soviet-agent larded “administration — still insidiously and deadly-dangerously well-established and self-perpetuating at Foggy Bottom)

    Wait, there are 100 year-old zombie communists that still work at the State Department who were hired by FDR? Awesome!

  63. hambone

    Wow, another thing to carve on his memorial–”Sold his soul”! What feisty sort wouldn’t want that carved on his tombstone?

  64. TNT

    I love this guy! Contrast his mausoleum with the burial sites of George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Henry Thoreau, Frederick Douglas … shoot, compare it to the tombstone itself of MLK Jr. In all cases, Burris’s stands out. The best thing is to know that in 50 years or so when people walk by, they’ll either say “Look at that … I never heard of that guy” or “Was that the idiot appointed by that crazy governor Blago-whatver?” And in 100 years or less, he’ll be a footnote, if that. While the real accomplishments of Washington, Lincoln, Douglas, MLK, and others with a more modest sense of themselves will continue to live on and influence others for many more years.

  65. shari74

    There’s something about the tomb deal that reminds me of another Burris type gentleman attorney in California. I think it’s a geno-type or something in the brain scan. This attorney was a very powerful attorney with the State of California with offices near the capitol. Everybody knew him. I was a paralegal that worked in the are. He had a big throne that he sat on when he had clients into his office. He would bring them in, then he would get up on his throne, which was about 4 feet off the ground, and sit there and cast his eyes downward on them. Something seriously disturbed going on here. This gentleman also had a questionable policy of honesty. We’ll never know.

    And then there is the fact that early onset dementia takes on many forms.

  66. sailingthestyx

    guy should have followed my lead: small wooden dance floor and a urinal; just to be accommodating to all those who held less in their hearts than love for me…

  67. HanFuzzy

    What no-one has asked yet is:

    What are those little buttons on the front of each casket for? What happens when you press them? Are they doorbells for Mr. & Mrs. Zomburris? Do they trigger a recorded “first African-American to speak from the grave in Illinois” message? Do they start up a holographic biopic?

    Or are they meant to be nipples? Is the mausoleum mammary-inspired, rather than the standard phallic symbol?

    Actually, they open a secret door to the hidden treasure chamber of the Knights Templar. (Burris is, of course, the first African-American Knight Templar – but that’s a secret order, so he can’t carve that in stone for all to see. It’s what one of the blank spots represents. Do I need to mention that he serves the Order as their non-CPA comptroller?)

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